Prying priorities

I suddenly miss the days when I used to write a long-ass status report of my year come its end. Those were the days na masipag pang mag-blog ang mga taong kakilala ko, my friends, my writer contacts, even my non-writer contacts, basta marami. Early 2000s, and I was in my late 20s back then, so siyempre marami pang energies. Come early 30s, same same. We have a lot of things to say -- and we still do -- but we also had more time, opportunity, and chance to write them all back then. 

Iba na kapag kalakarang 40s ka na pala. I started out this decade of my life having much to say pa rin, pero parang few and far between na rin ang blogging ko by that time. Life always gets in the way of things, and so does work. While I'm ever so grateful to the universe na hindi ako nauubusan ng life experiences to write about at hindi ako nauubusan ng raket para mabayaran ko ang mga bayarin ng buhay, oras lang siguro ang hihilingin ko sa ngayon para lang mabalikan ang ilang bagay na gusto kong balikan sa buhay.

Pero hindi pa rin naman guarantee ito. May oras ka nga, pero minsan, iba ang gusto mong gawin din. Magpahinga is on top of that list, tumunganga sa kawalan habang nagmumuni-muni is another, and read books is the close third. Siyempre, hindi pa rin nawawala ang buhay at kabuhayang package stuff, siyempre, so pasingit-singit lang silang lahat diyan. Ang tanong lang: ano ang sisingit saan? 

Priorities. Minsan, iyan ang tinatapon natin sa mukha ng ibang tao para maipamukha natin sa kanila kung ano ang mahalaga sa atin, o kaya'y maningil para masabi nila kung mahalaga ba sila sa buhay mo. Ilang relasyon na rin ba ang pinagdaanan ko na may mga singilang ganito. Meron diyang nagsabing priority daw niya ang mga anak niya, kaya ang pag-deal sa lovelife issues ay hiwalay sa pag-deal sa issues niya sa bahay nila. On the one hand, I somewhat understand this. But on the other, it's also strange to see how things can get categorized that way with her. Ibig sabihin, hindi niya balak pagkrusin ang landas ng dalawa. Nakakatawa, eh paano yun, hahatiin niya ang sarili niya? Hindi naman ako naniningil sa kanyang bigyan niya ako ng panahon, pero binabato niya lagi sa akin na ang priority daw niya ay ang mga anak niya. Did I tell you na may malaking disconnect sa communication sa taong iyon? That's why it was easy to severe ties with that one. I lost 100k in that transaction, by the way, but I just chalked it up to a bad investment, which bought me crucial life lessons in life that are priceless. So ganun na lang 'yun.

Meron namang kabaligtaran dati ng priority singilan, pero hindi pa nga paniningil eh. Biro mo, tatakbo ang isang linggo, dalawa tatlo, isang buwan, dalawang buwan, ni walang communication sa iyo ang jowa mo. Paano 'yun? Magtataka ka na lang kung may jowa ka pa, kung buhay pa ba siya o kung na-abduct na ng alien. Hindi naman priority ang hiningi ko sa kanya, kundi basic decency lang sana, na sana sumagot sa text at tawag ko, para lang malaman kung buhay pa siya, at para malaman ko kung may jowa pa ako! Nakakaloka di ba. May pinagdadaanan lang daw siya, at may dini-deal with lang daw. Pero for 3 months walang comms? Panalo, di ba. Children, before the word "ghosting" was invented, I was freaking living it!!! And this was late 2000s, okay? Kalerks.

Hay, priorities. Noong nagtuturo pa ako sa UP, itong kabarkada ko noong college  na ni-recruit ko ring magturo doon sa alma mater namin, sinabi niyang mas priority na niya ang magkaroon ng tahimik na karaketang estado sa buhay, at ang pagtuturo doon ang nakita niyang magbibigay sa kanya nun. "Dito na tayo tatanda," sabi niya. I panned left, panned right, zoomed in and out sa isip ko sa mga makakasama namin doon sa aming "home for the aged" na 'yun, and I was like HELL NO in my mind. I still wanted to work outside of that office, I still want to travel while working and doing stuff, and I certainly don't want to be tied down to the puny suweldo there kung gusto kong mas umasenso sa buhay. Biro mo, I left an international NGO job that pays me nearly 30k a month, which is huge for 2004 ha, to having a starting salary of what, 17k a month, not even enough to cover my rent and bills at that time. It's a miracle I was able to pull that off before (I had two more jobs back then, mind you), and after 8 years of teaching, my suweldo was just around 35k lang yata, can't even remember kung net or gross pa ito. And with the political bickering happening there, where your promotion to a higher rank (ergo higher pay) solely depends on how good you ass-kiss people in power there, I was like, duuuude, I am SO NOT GROWING OLD HERE. Kaya like a bad lover who didn't take care of you, it was easy for me to up and go din from that relationship, probably the longest one I've had in my life (work-wise and relationship-wise na rin!). And that dude who said na tatanda siya doon? Mas nauna pa siyang nawala doon sa akin, simply because he didn't finish his MA on time, which was a requirement for a professor to teach there. So much for commitment, huh. Well, that guy had problems naman talaga in that department, commitment, so I wasn't surprised at all. 

Priorities. These days, ano ba ang priorities ko? At least wala na akong puprublemahing jowa na maniningil ng ganito. Alam kong mahirap maintindihan minsan ng isang nilalang na kailangan ko ng panahong mapag-isa para makapagsulat, pero at least naiintindihan ito ng kaulayaw ko sa buhay ngayon. Mahirap nung umpisa, pero naintindihan na niya ngayon, ngayong nakakaapat na taon na kaming magkasama, kasi talaga namang work-in-progress pa rin ang pagkakakilala niyo sa isa't isa. Pero masaya ako na naiintindihan na niya, at hindi niya ako sisingilin na i-prioritize ko siya, samantalang ang time away ko from her ay time na gumagawa ako ng pera para sa akin, sa kanya, sa aming lahat. Kaya naiintindihan na niya ito. Nakakaloka lang kung may jowa kang hindi naiintindihan ito, ano?

Naalala ko nga 'yung kuwento nila sa asawa ni National Artist for Literature NVM Gonzalez, na may dedicated wife siyang gumagawa ng lahat sa buhay, para siya, wala siyang ibang gagawin kundi magsulat nang mapayapa sa writing room niya. On the other side of this coin, isa sa mga hinahangaan kong Pinay writer na si Kerima Polotan Tuvera naman, naisingit ang pagsusulat sa gitna ng pag-aalaga sa mga anak, pamamalantsa, pagluluto, at paggawa ng iba pang gawaing bahay habang nagaganap ang domestic duties niya in full force. Wala siyang katulong sa bahay, may asawa pero dahil sa mga dekada '70-'80 ba sila nagsama, panahon ito na hindi shared responsibility ang house duties sa mag-asawa. Siguro tumulong din kahit papaano, pero iba pa rin kapag nanay ang nagpatakbo ng bahay. 

Two coins, one currency. Alin doon ang papahalagahan ko? May panahon kasing parang NVM ako, na mag-isa ako sa buhay, single, kaya nakakapagsulat nang malaya sa bahay kong may writing room. May panahon din namang Kerima ang peg ko, na maraming kailangang gampanan sa buhay pero nagsisingit pa rin ng konting panahon para makapagsulat. Hay. 

These days kasi, lalo na nung pumasok ang dekadang ito, iba na ang nagiging temperament ng buhay. Nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong makapagsulat din ng bonggang-bongga, dalawang libro pa nga ang kinalabasan, pero may panahon ding wala akong panahon sa pagsusulat kasi ang kabuhayan package ay kung saan-saang lupalop ako dinadala. Na of course, hindi ako nagrereklamo, dahil ito naman ang gusto ko sa buhay, di ba? Careful what you wish for, right? Ito na nga 'yun, kaya masaya rin ako na naganap din iyon kahit papaano, natikman kumbaga. May isang friend nga ako na writer din at kapwa NGO worker, sabi niya, tapos na ang mga araw naming nagpapakadakila para sa sining at sa bayan, at kailangan na naming mag-focus sa pagpapayaman. Ewan kung naganap na sa kanya iyon mula nang huli kaming mag-usap, pero sana nga ay maginhawa na rin ang buhay niya tulad ng naging maginhawa ang buhay ko.

Well, 2018 na. Hindi pa rin ako mayamang-mayaman, pero nakakaluwag naman ako sa buhay na ngayon. Natapos ko nang bayaran ang condo ko, kaya maluwag na ako sa aspetong iyon, at may seguridad na ako sa isipan kong may titirhan akong hindi ako palalayasin kung hindi ako nakabayad ng renta. Priorities? Kailangan ko pa ring kumita, kaya ine-explain kong mabuti sa asawa ko na kailangan kong umalis paminsan-minsan kapag may raket, o kailangan kong maglaan ng oras sa trabaho kaya hindi ako makakasama minsan sa kung anuman ang kailangang gawin sa bahay, at naiintindihan niya iyon. Ang priority lang naman namin siguro ay ang maalpasan ang isang araw, linggo, buwan o taon na walang nagkakasakit sa amin, walang nagugutom, walang nadedehado. Hindi lang kasi kami dalawa sa buhay, apat kami, kasi may dalawa siyang anak. Priority namin na mapalaki na maging mabuting mga tao at mamamayan itong dalawang bata in our care. Na sana naman ay maganap.

Ilang tumbling na lang, 2019 na. Tapos panibagong dekada na naman ang susunod. Papasok na ako sa aking golden decade soon. Hindi ko alam kung maghahanap pa ako ng mga priorities sa panahong iyon, o kung may panahon pa akong mapapag-isipan ko ang mga bagay na ito. Pero definitely, hindi siya titigil. Walang titigil sa kalakarang ito ng buhay. Delayed man ng konti o pasingit-singit, okay pa rin. Basta ang mahalaga, buhay ka at humihinga. 

Although napapaisip din ako sa sinabi ni Ricky Lee dati, nang interbyuhin ko siya for a newspaper feature dahil nag-launch siya ng bagong libro. Ang pagsusulat sa kanya ay parang paghinga. I used to feel that way, too. But that definitely has changed for me. And I don't know what the culprit is, that was responsible for that change. Siguro isa, may napapansin din ako lately. Dati, blogging lang ang dahilan kung bakit ako nag-o-online, at nakaka-offline ako nang bongga. Sa 24/7 connectivity natin these days kasi, I think may isang obvious na mistress na umaagaw ng atensyon ko at nagde-demand ng time na makaulayaw ko siya: social media. Kung FB friends tayo, napapansin mo bang hindi na ako masyadong pumupunta doon lately? Mas nasa litrato ako, binabalikan ko ang purity ng online documentation of life kasi sa Instagram. Toxic na pati sa FB, lalo na nitong nakaraang dalawang taon. Hindi rin nakakatulong na nagkaroon tayo ng sobrang toxic online environment dahil sa trolling. Ang troll parang bodyguard ng kabit mo e, na mananakot sa iyo kapag hindi mo ginawa ang gusto ng kabit mo: na magbabad ka sa piling niya sa araw-araw. Parang nawala na ang original novelty of keeping in touch sa social media. Kaya parang nawawalan na ako ng gana sa kanya. Well, I guess sa FB lang naman, pero kasi ang dominante niya sa buhay natin, di ba? Kaya nakakaloka lang minsan.

Hay naku. Priorities. Ano nga ba? I guess it's more like distractions for me, na nauubos ang oras ko minsan sa nakatunganga ako sa social media, pa-scroll scroll. Minsan talaga, kailangan ng unplugging, lalo na't gusto mong magsulat. Saka ka na makisakay ulit kapag nakaahon ka na. Kaya iyan ang naging strategy ko most times this year. Saka parang gusto ko na ngang ibahin ang galawang online ko, kasi nga marami akong nami-miss gawin, at marami akong kailangan ihintong gawain. Priorities. Paglilinis at pag-streamline ng buhay siguro ang kailangan from time to time. And I need to do that soon.

Anyway, sorry at mahabang rant yata itong naisiwalat ko dito. Blame it on being cooped up here at home for almost two weeks now, kasi nagka-sprain ako, and hindi pa yata siya magaling kaya hindi ko maiapak pa. Kaloka. Kaya dito ko muna pagmamasdan ang mundo ko, mula sa bintana ko, dahil priority ko ngayon ang magpagaling -- para makalarga ulit nang bonggang bongga sa buhay.

Happy holidays, folks. 

From my window to yours. Bowie says hi!
[Dec 2018 Marikina]

to be a woman in 2018 Philippines

Lately, this opening line from Pablo Neruda's poetry echoes in my mind: 

"It so happens I am tired of being a man."

It's from a piece called "Walking Around" included in the Il Postino OST where famous people read his poetry. Samuel L. Jackson read this one. Powerful.

I echo this because, in this time and era, I share similar sentiments: 

It so happens that I am tired of being a woman. 

In a time when misogyny got an unexpected boost, in this patriarchal country where all closeted sexists suddenly outed themselves and spew vitriol after vitriol against women of all kinds, one gets bombarded by words words words from people who suddenly showed their true colors to you. I am getting tired of listening to them, reading their posts on social media, and being beside them. 

As an identifying feminist, I have been around this kind of misogyny all my life. It somehow contributed to my raison d'être, my reason for being. If only I can control it. If only I can fight it. In my own little way, I try. In anything and everything I do, I try to infuse feminism in my work. In some instances, it fails. But in most cases, it wins. 

However, little did I expect that it will take its toll on me one day. All because of one entity: the troll.

So many people now feel empowered anonymously by this information highway we call the internet. And another kind of animal is shitting all over it: the troll. I've been reading so many reports coming out of western media these days, talking about Russian troll farms that influenced American society the past two years. You know in some aspects, we're ahead of them for about a year or so, because I've already read so many reports about local troll farms since last year. Yes, we have our own.

Jim said it simply, and said it best:
"The internet is vicious!"
Indeed. I miss this show grabe.

Troll farms. Who would have predicted this kind of kalakaran today, no? I wonder what the communication theorists-psychs-social scientists would say about this. Hello, Marshall McLuhan, Stuart Hall, Stephen Covey, anyone? What do you think po? Hay naku. I don't think the inventors of the internet wanted their information superhighway to turn towards this direction. And neither did we passengers/passersby/digital motorists.

This is how I've been feeling lately: like a driver catching snags along the way, no thanks to unexpected potholes and bumps I find all over. Life's not smooth-sailing all the time anyway, but adding such potholes don't help the journey one bit -- especially if you're just doing your job along the way.

It is tiring. But I've met several advocates in Thailand last year who say the same thing -- and encouraged me to just go on. Write. Post. Think. Say. It's easier said than done sometimes, especially if you get threatened by an extended offline physical threat because of something you posted online. Yes, it has become this crazy.

Renewal: This is where I got it last year.
I was in Thailand for a lecture gig and attended
this Asia Pacific Feminist Forum by accident,
as an aside, since I was already there.
The best accidental decision I've done in years.
In this session, I was able to process many things
that have been bothering me. And I came home
renewed, and with hope again. Yes indeed,
the universe still conspires.
[September 2017 Chiang Mai, Thailand]

Look at me, extolling the virtues of social media as eliminating the traditional media gatekeepers in my lectures some 10 years ago, proudly stating to Asian neighbors in an Indonesian conference that Filipinos have a great knack at this thing called social media that we were declared the social media capital of the world 10 years ago. And 10 years hence, where are we now? Cultivating troll farms to destroy honest people and create lies. And in the middle of that, amplifying misogyny and anything anti-women. Woo-hoo progress.

How can you not be disheartened by that? We were already feeling major gains, and then we get back to a square one slump. It used to be, two steps forward and one step back. At least there's movement, no matter how slow. But today, it seems like it's one step forward and two steps back. Where are we headed if the path is this way?

I dread to answer that question right now. It's International Women's Day today, 2018. A far cry from 2008, of course, with all the technological and societal advancements. But we get a new kind of crying from all the anti-women online harassment and trolling and shit. Realizing this is indeed tiring.

So please, universe, fortify me more. FORTIFY US. In this day and age of fakery, let the genuine efforts shine. And please, deliver us from trolls. 

We women get our strengths and inspiration from fellow women.
Glad to have met one such woman who urged me to
NOT STOP WRITING. Rock on, ladies! And thanks.
[September 2017 Chiang Mai, Thailand]

thank you providence, thank you clarity

Errands, work meeting, home improvement stuff, consultancy tasks, preparing for a trip. These line up my day today yet I want to stop and smell the aroma of coffee for a while and park my thoughts here.

Like I am soooo up to here with stuff to do regarding work alone (imagine me holding my hand at the level of my eyes). But yes, I still want to share stuff here with you guys. For the simple reason that I am truly appreciative of honest and kind gestures. And I want to close this month on a positive note, despite some negativity that accompanied the beginning of it.

Those who have been reaching out to me in various social media and on email, thank you. Your messages of support and your kind words are precious to me during the time that I had that momentary personal crisis a few weeks back. Emphasis on the momentary, for when the truth revealed itself unto me, there's really nothing I could utter other than what Alanis once sang: THANK YOU PROVIDENCE. 

Overnight, truths were revealed. Received an ounce of prevention: always worth more than a pound of cure, as they say. So thank you. Thanks to the universe for dropping the bomb on me at the time that I needed to be shattered from an ongoing illusion, an illusion that could have shattered me more if it has engulfed me totally in the future. Thanks to divine intervention for showing me that linkages had to be severely severed, for my sanity, because the setup is just totally insane. I am ever so grateful for the universe for sending me these sets of friends, colleagues, and confidantes that I have in my life right now, people who provide precious perspectives, who accompanied me in nights of frowning and laughed with me in evenings of comebacking chuckles. 

And to the strangers who volunteered information and the lurkers who came out just to give virtual hugs, positive vibes, and pats on the back, muchas gracias, merci beaucoup, thank you very much, maraming salamat. I can't thank you enough. I never realized the extent that my writing/blogging has reached, and I never thought that my stories have been reaching out to you guys as well, enough to resonate familiar feelings and elicit empathy, to offer your sincerest sympathies at a time when I thought the world would darken a bit again. The universe really provides when you least expect it. You guys totally rock. Thanks.

And with that, we now have clarity. Thank you, as always, for clarity, universe. Hard packaging, this one, but thanks for its speedy delivery, and for the unapologetic unraveling, before it was way too late.

And now, MOVING ON...

Sharing with you two of my latest November articles for POC Pinoy LGBT channel: one about homophobia in commenting on relief effort frustrations, and another is a reflection on turning the Maximo Oliveros film into a stage musical. I should have two more articles coming up to end the month so let's see when that will be posted.

Happy reading, guys. And thanks once again. For real.

The odds are always ever in my favor. And in yours, too. As long as we do good, good karma will never leave us. So folks, do good. Do more good. Good is always rewarded. Please keep that in mind.

Always.

See you next month.

 

Down with duplicity. Carry on with being cutesy.

Went forth and multiplied

While many folks from Metro Manila are currently enjoying their four-day long weekend starting today, I decided to just stay home and not roll with the crowd flowing out of the metro. This is just like holy week hello. I usually jump the holidays before or after, and I rarely go during. I guess I'm lucky enough to afford that because of the nature of my work and our schedules so yes, I consider myself lucky.

Decided to also beef up my online presence again. I'm doing multi-tasking stuff here again as usual. I am writing my usual contributing writer articles then also checking papers from school then also tinkering with my blogs and doing this whole ginormous project of transferring my content from Multiply.Com. Ever since they announced they're shutting down, it just boggled me how years of content could be shifted out of there.

I started  my leaflens multiply account as an offshoot of this one. I wanted a more dynamic site and that one was a portal of sorts. Before social networking sites became popular like Facebook, we had Multiply because it combined social networking and blogging. You get to add photo albums and have specific sections for reviews. That's what I'm doing now, shifting out the film reviews I did and dumping them all to my film review blog. Also my book and TV reviews I am dumping them all into my media and pop culture blog. But the blog posts I am not sure about.

sometimes it's better to blog in private

What I liked about Multiply is it could also control who gets to see your content. If you feel like posting a blog entry to be viewed by the public or by specific contacts only (just like in Facebook), then you could control it. Only your contacts or specific contacts could see some posts. Thing is, I blogged very privately in that space and I'm not so sure if I should dump them back here in such a public space. But still, it will be archived in a chronological order still, so old posts will still remain as old posts -- buried. Hm I don't know. Should I?

A lot of the things I blogged about there focused on one past relationship, something which I don't really want to bring back anymore. Yes, even the memories. Yeah, me, someone who has been journaling like crazy since I was in high school and who keeps all of these personal historical archives of mine up to now, contemplating on deleting several portions of my life as documented in that blog journal. I don't know. The jury is still out. Should I publicize those posts or not? Remains to be seen.

In the meantime, just enjoy the long weekend folks. Stay safe. And yes, thanks for reading.

"Ang buhay ay economics"

Before I start my already late-starting work day today, let me just dust off a few thoughts here.

I don't know about you but for the past few months since late last year, I've been growing tired of being on Facebook. As a media advocate, I find its usefulness, sure, but I also see where it fails sometimes. In the age of social networking, sometimes we also become anti-social at times, huddled over our tiny screens in order to look at things happening not in front or beside us but just right there, in front of that tiny screen, where hundreds of "friends" are connected to you on a daily basis. Sometimes you forget that one, two, three friends just with you at that moment, in the flesh; you'd rather stay online with the hundreds that couldn't provide you a hug when you need it most in an instant, but you share your current status with them anyway.

Of course, that's the exaggerated part. I like the immediacy of things when it comes to being in touch with my relatives, mostly those who are not in this country. Our connections are strengthened online sometimes, as it is very heartwarming to be in touch with them. I love it when I could see what's happening to my one and only sibling in California or my kooky relatives somewhere else in North America. That's when social should be social -- for keeping in touch with loved ones.

I am a fan of communication. Like my old beeper(!) message said, "Make contact. If not, it's an awful waste of space." Thank you Carl Sagan and Jodie Foster for that. :)

But also, there are friends, and even relatives, that you don't really care much about, let alone be curious enough to know their daily goings-on in their lives. But you still remain connected. Once in a while, silence online is also very appreciated, and I get that. This is also why I stopped sharing my info to everyone. I made stricter posting rules and only a select could see certain select material. This is tricky especially for someone like me who juggles many kinds of networks and different kinds of people in one lifetime. There are those who might be offended if I unleash my ex-Catholic schoolgirl angst so I tone it down with my banned super-personal list. There are those closeted homophobic people who treat me as a friend but I know when they turn their backs, they still wish I could be with a man instead of being that lesbian that they know, so I put posts in my banned LGBT mode sometimes. 

Of course it's a no-brainer to self-censor posts for underage people so I made a childproofing list as well which I discussed with some of their parents, to explain to their young ones why they can't see most of my posts (and awww this is heartwarming to me, to have such kiddies wanting to connect with me that much). 

There are also touchy ex-coworkers or colleagues that added you even if, offline, they don't really socialize with you outside. What's up with that, right? I appreciate more some whom I've met online but who sincerely put out a decent conversation than those offline posers; those online peeps I keep. And of course there are those idiots who get swayed to the dark side and see me with slanted eyes now even if I didn't do anything to them, just because some Darth Vader-ish entities influenced their force. For that, I like the FB restricted feature a lot. For the rest of the populace, there's the hide button to make them vanish from my feed.

Of course there are also those people that you just block outright, or you remove totally from your network even if they added you in the beginning of your naive FB starting days. Aside from the Voldemort-ish ones with the slew of dementors, I'm talking about exes, friends of exes, girlfriend/s of exes and psycho people who think you are/were after their exes or something and all other related entities. My very first girlfriend and her partner were the very first ones who added me on FB years ago when I was a newbie. My ex, having that sense of entitlement that I will just add her, didn't send a message of hello or whatever, after all these years -- more than a decade, even -- of non-communicating (thank goodness). Her partner was the one who had the decency of sending a short note, the gesture of which I truly appreciated but not the content (After years of silence, her note contains something like: "Hi! Nice to see you here on FB. Hey, I saw the pictures of what you've been doing for the past years. Glad you turned out fine."). Turned out fine? Condescending much? She was the reason my ex and I didn't work out and why I got dumped so what's a gal gotta do? In naive FB days, one just rolled her eyes, shrugged, and clicked "add friend" and that's it. And then click "hide." And oh, smile because, upon seeing their lives, it is quite dull compared to mine heheh. So maybe that's what she meant by me "turning out fine." Life is peachy, and karma's a bitch who's on my side haha!

Sometimes I think about these things and just contemplate on making things simple: just remove undesirables, period. Fallen friendships, relationships gone sour, throw, thrash, erase. But in this day and age of social computing, it doesn't add up to simply block, erase or delete a connection in cyberspace. Not that you are very concerned with what other people will say but sometimes there are repercussions that affect other repercussions, and the lesser of two evils is to just keep them there. But still, hide them. Or reclassify in partially blocked listings like what I do.

Who's in your food chain, really? 

[At the Mind Museum in Taguig / March 2012]

I started feeling iffy about FB late last year when I was waiting for someone to connect with me there. But then again, I also found it irritating when I see other undesirables connecting with her as well, in that space. More importantly, I found it doubly irritating when I know she is online yet she doesn't make an effort of communicating with me when we both know that we are expecting her to get in touch, because the last part of our conversation was always uttered by me. Taking turns, and waiting for replies to your messages, messages that are left unanswered for hours, days, and weeks. I am a fan of communication so this kind of silence? Yeah, it bothers me. A lot.

FB used to be a space we mocked but we also fancied a bit because, whether we liked it or not, we were communicating really well in that space. Until she failed to communicate, with me, I should add. And I didn't know how to handle such silence because it deeply affected my psychological well-being at that time. I'm not so sure but maybe it still does affect me sometimes to this day. I don't know. She has long apologized about this but to take her that long, like really long, to realize that she hurt someone with this silence is something that should make me wake up and click some buttons. Delete? No, not that harsh. Removed her already from my list of close friends, people who mean so much to me that I don't mind seeing their every online move. But not hers, not anymore. I've already assigned her to the usual news feed scroll, something which I don't really check on a regular basis anymore except for the latest news, translating to me not totally knowing what's up with her on a regular basis anymore (as I also am not in the habit of checking out people's spaces and lingering there). But the times that I do chance upon her on my list, I don't know, it reminds me more of how our friendship turned a bit sour because of her silence. And I don't think I like rekindling that taste. So yes, click hide, on her.


I had two interesting conversations with good friends lately about this. One of my bffs assessed that I am not over some people I've severed ties with in the past, she says, that's why I am still affected by them. I asked her to clarify what "not yet over" meant because I certainly have no hang-ups about those past relationships anymore, meaning a severed friendship remains severed and never to be repaired, and a shattered love will happily remain shattered and not to be recycled even in cases of emergencies and such. In short, I don't feel for these people anymore yet the pain that our pasts brought upon me sometimes still make me wince upon remembering. And that's all. Because perhaps I am a sensitive person that sometimes I flashback vividly to bygone times or hurtful times upon the touch of a remembrance.  And that's my curse -- I remember things too much, vividly, because this damn brain doesn't have an off-switch. And that's just that. But my bff, she says I have to admit that I am not over these people, and she says that is that. 


But another friend clarified that analysis brightly for me. Ang buhay ay economics, Libay. Lahat kasi 'yan may silbi pa sa atin, she said. To equate everything in life as something economically useful was something new to me. But maybe not, just paraphrased. My academic theory-head friends used to discuss this thing called capital -- cultural capital, academic capital, social capital, whatever. Meaning people use certain things for certain gains, hence capital. But perhaps more clearly, people hold on to things involuntarily or voluntarily because of some economic gain they will get out of it. I asked my friend -- who is a bad-ass statistician on the side, by the way, and an astrologer hehe -- to explain in economic terms this "probably I'm not yet over my exes" thing my bff concluded. She just simply asked: What's in it for you if you still remember the pain of the past? I told her that sometimes, it makes me write things, write deeper, more heartfelt material, if I tap into the inkwell of my past hurts. And she merely shrugged: Economics. That's your creative capital. So that string you still keep that ties to them is merely for that. It doesn't mean you still love them or want them back. Kumbaga, may silbi lang kasi 'yun sa iyo. Economics nga. Life is a bunch of economics. Life is economics!

Did I say she could also become a modern-day philosopher? Hehe I love my queered friends. To death!

Ang buhay ay economics. Latest truth unraveled. [Butter Diner QC / May 2012]

So yeah, to assess this whole FB business and seeing that girl I used to have relations with, especially "seeing" her being silent, is definitely something that doesn't make me calculate for a clearer picture. I've actually seen that a long time ago, even before this year started, actually. My friends have seen it, too. Sure, like the rest, we keep them there, because in the grand scheme of things, it is more economical to just let them be. For those I can't afford anymore, severed! Already cut ties. Once in a while, I will dip into the economics of things again with her, and maybe that's what I'm doing here now. Who knows?  

My girlfriend also knows about this as she simply stated: Writer ka, e. You feel things. But also, you're more of a thinking person. You think about these things a lot. Plus she added You are a thinking person, and I am more of a feeling person. Kaya bagay tayo. We complement each other.


PAK! Need I say more? I am a lucky person to have found someone who understands, who feels, and who thinks -- and who communicates that to me. On a regular basis. FB or no FB, yes, we are connected. Indeed. And actually, to tell you the truth, aside from my relatives and close friends, she is one big reason why I am still on FB. Even if Twitter is more our thing, well, one can't have too many social networks to link with each other when you're in a long distance relationship. Whatever works, man. Whatever works.

good morning skyping [May 2012]

 

Ang buhay ay economics indeed. May silbi ang bawa't tawag, bawa't connection, bawa't text, bawa't message. Sa ngayon, ang pinaka may silbi na lang ang pinagtutuunan ko talaga. Because in the end, economics also translates to choosing your emotional baggage well. And since this year, you know I decided to travel light, but meaningfully. 

So yes, that's still the plan, Stan. As for FB, bah, yeah, hide button, U I like. But if you really want to know what I think, it will be on Twitter. :) 


 

Fancy a new look?

I tend to be such a square when it comes to redesigning this space. If you've been following -- and I thank you ever so deeply for that -- then you'd notice. If there's one thing I'm vanilla about in life, it's this whole web design business thing, designing by myself, that is. I'm not such a techie as my other dyke friends and so I tend to stick to whatever's familiar and well, manageable, in such a short time. And yeah, thank goodness I ain't no vanilla when it comes to other things, eh? Yes, yes, silly, I'm talking about sex. Haha!


But it has been a year since a lot of things happened in my life. This space also tends to get an overhaul whenever major changes in my life happen, mostly in the department of fancy affairs. Fancying someone, I mean. Yes, I am all Lip Service-y right now as I just finished the last 2 eps before the 6th and final ep, the season ender next week. Yeah, the accent rubs off, even in writing. I guess my brain and my tongue combined are talented like that, in another kind of non-kinky application. I kid you not. Heheh. :)


Well, the basic color palette I've grown to love is still there. Basic autumn is the season of my life and hence I follow its color scheme. My early favorite color of blue has been reverted to its complementary orange this latter part of my life, which is better. Funny how I've managed to pull out from the blues and surf amongst the oranges in life, eh? I've noticed that early on. And thank goodness it changed. If not, my condo would have been all-blue now instead of this bright orange that welcomes guests inside. Good transition.


And of course, there's that header photo. I also change that once in a while.

This photo means a lot. It was taken when I was in Singapore last February, for a pre-Valentine date with a girl that would turn out to be my girlfriend right now. We went there both to sort things left unanswered, face to face, here in Manila last January. And it was the best fucking trip of my life so far. Yes, I think I will love Singapore extra-special because of the meaning it gave me. Yes, I am a traveler that way, not your garden variety tourist preoccupied with appearances but more of an inner traveler more mindful of the experience rather than the souvenir. You can read about those thoughts in my travel blog. Here. 


I also liked that there's this lotus in bloom and lotus closed, side by side, juxtaposed meanings. I love it. Symbolized who I was, who I am, and who I'm going to be in the next few moments, I suppose, in relation to her, in tandem with her, her that I fancy upon going to that trip,  and her that I ended up loving as soon as we parted. Yeah, that's her and me -- closed, opened up, still guarded, but ever so ready. 


I'm glad. Ever so glad. Things happen for a reason. Trips materialize if they're needed. And some things just fall into place when you thought they wouldn't. Story of my year so far. And what an awesome and fucking helluva year this is turning out to be. And I am loving every moment of it. Each one. I kid you not.


So here's to new things, to redesigning things, to recalibrating things, and to celebrating them still. Don't get tired to party, even if the celebration changes styles. As long as the participants are still cool, then the fun and intensity won't wane. 


Yes, I am living life, because it is indeed short. 


Seizing!

note to self mode and all that fortify jazz

We really have to listen to the universe sometimes. Like today.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)

Sunday, Dec 11th, 2011 -- You could feel stuck behind a wall of worry as you hold on to old beliefs that aren't relevant to your current situation. Nevertheless, you may still create convincing stories to justify your fears today. But self-doubt isn't helpful and only increases your sense of isolation. Rather than looking back to the past, envision the future just as you wish to see it. Focusing on positive affirmations is smarter now than playing into a more negative outlook.

So there. Yes, heeding!

Plans have been changing on a daily basis, but I'm glad some things just pop out of nowhere and just shake up my world in more ways than one. The only catch is, sometimes di yata kinakaya ng powers ko, all that shaking and shoving and shriveling. Man I need strength! Of the emotional kind! But yes, getting there, getting there. As a good friend pointed it out to me, "You're not depressed; you're just very sad." Hm may difference pala? Hahaha now I know! But yes, kidding aside, that really is good to know. Oh well.

It's really good to get in touch with people that care. I sometimes tend to focus on certain individuals that I seem to neglect others around me, other people who actually turn out to care more for me than those fuckers I've been focusing on pala, for so long. Life lesson learned the hard way there, and I'm glad the universe is kicking in to help me on that one. So I am thankful indeed.

It's kinda like that main Project Fortify photo I posted here a few weeks ago. Which turns out to be a manifesto of a conscientious design company in the US. If I love their manifesto in their photo-poster, what more the video version:

And it has biking to boot! Man I soooooo love this! Added it to my favorites on my Youtube channel.

Here's that photo again:

Oh yeah, I also jazzed up my channel, after years of being dormant. I decided it's time to update it and it's a good thing some of my works are online na pala. So linking lang ang kailangan and then some more uploading. But it's also good that Youtube also jazzed up their design so it really looks like a sleek pang-demo reel type of site na for me. Which is why I revived it. Take a look here.

Ayuz.

I think 2012 is promising to be a better year for me, this early. There are signs and yes, brass rings that, if I don't grab, I might regret missing them. We'll see. And yes, sometimes, there are neglected things I need to pick up again, forgotten projects that need to be revived, ignored personas yearning to be involved again. Yes, I am listening, fueling, rewiring, reprogramming things to accommodate all of them. As in ALL. No kidding.

I also have to remind myself never to repeat what mistakes I committed this past year. Lovable ones notwithstanding, and regrettable ones that need not be repaired.

Sige let's do this. HOO-HAH!

Life is short. Let's dance.
(at UP CMC audi / December 2011 photo by Maya)

going offline

In the middle of a busy busy week but a news item suddenly made me stop and stare at the clouds again...and ponder.

An online friend and contact, AJ Matela, just passed away. All so sudden a news. And I thought he was on his way to recovery, as he documented his ordeal about his sickness and stuff. Too bad he didn't make it.

He ran the blog Bakla Ako, May Reklamo? or in English, I'm Gay, Got a Problem with That? The local lgbtq blogosphere just lost one important voice.

This bit of news makes me think that life truly is short. So no more dilly-dallying. Just do what you can and exert every effort. Nothing is wasted along the way anyway, since whatever lessons you pick up on your journey would always be great fuel to the fire that will next propel your journey towards a different or farther direction.

In short, let's keep moving, folks. Like what they sang in Rent, there's no day but today.

Life is short. Go live it.

I will. I am.

No journey ends. Like what Semisonic sang,
every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
(somewhere in GenSan/ August 2011 photo by Ned)

slow down, you move too fast...*

You've got to make the morning last, as that Simon and Garfunkel song said. Feeling groovy talaga. (*or 59th st. Bridge Song talaga ang title ng song na itey, trivia lang).

Decided to stay put today and breathe. So many stimulants all around and sometimes, that's what makes Manila more exciting, as two of my island-originated (okay Dumaguete) friends told me last week. But like I told them, that's what also makes me want to escape Manila from time to time, even though I know I thrive in this kind of cosmopolitan/urban set-ups, especially when it involves media and arts stuff, my main domains of existence.

Manila by night. Or Manila Bay lang.
(at the Harbor Square CCP / July 2011)

So many things happening in my universe. It's July so that means it's Cinemalaya month here, the yearly independent digital film festival organized by the cultural institutions of the government, namely FDCP and CCP, its main venue, way over there in far Manila along Manila Bay (hence we nickname it cinemalayo -- cine too damn far! At least for us QC peeps, and me Marikina pa!) Some friends -- my film barkada -- have films included in the festival as special screening entries, not necessarily in the main competition, and we made sure to catch them. One is Local Girls by Ned Trespeces and Onnah Valera, the same team that gave us My Fake American Accent, their Cinemalaya entry a few years back. Another that we made sure not to miss is the very camp/kitsch 2-years in the making gay zombie comedy film Zombadings: Patayin Sa Shokot Si Remington written and produced by Raymond Lee.

At the baywalk area, with (L-R) erstwhile dynamic duo Ned and Onnah
and our former student now our reliable co-worker Nessa,
the editor of their film. (photo by xe /
July 2011 Harbor Square CCP)

And then of course, there's the academic mode of the festival handled yearly by our senior film faculty, my idol Sir Nic Tiongson, meaning the Cinemalaya Film Congress, the 2-day forum-filled conference featuring discussions on aspects of cinema etc. I've been constantly involved in this since it's flattering that I earned Sir Nic's trust in handling work stuff here, so he always gets me as a rapporteur to document panel proceedings but since last year, I've elevated into being an actual moderator of several panels, which is cooler because I don't get to take home work assignment teehee.

Taking a late lunch break and early drinking sesh with the bekis
(as I ogled an actress at the next table aheh.heh.heh).
(L-R) Our co-faculty and co-queer friend Joni
with his partner Bryan, and a ham Xe.
They served as rapporteurs this year.

These gigs are good when you have good people to work with, actually. It's also a bonus if they're your friends and if they treat you as friends. So that's good.

Other involvements continue, like my favorite LGBTQ writing for POC. My latest article is here ("The young and the restless who grew up queer") and that's a 2-part article. I might also start a cross-posting thingie somewhere but I have yet to think about that venture.

I'm also enjoying Twitter lately, to my surprise. I found that it could be a very good repository of useful links I could use later on for reference and stuff. Sometimes I also try to talk to individuals there, like a "think out loud" type of status posting, without irritating people like on Facebook. I don't know, it's just a social experiment. What are these platforms for but to test our capacity for language, discourse and conversations with them, di ba? Anyway, if you want to follow me, find @leaflens there. No one else with that name but me.

Academic life is picking up now that we're into the second month of the semester, nearing midterms time. But I'm liking the way I scheduled my life there at the uni now, since I could also have more time to do other things, mainly write. Haven't really been doing a sit-yo'-fuckin'-ass-and-just-write-dammit! type of writing lately but I am getting there. I guess I just need to "quiet a few crying lambs" (to borrow that line from Jodie Foster my love's film) somewhere in my metaphysical state chenelyn and all that jazz, first and foremost. It's blocking a few things but I'm unclogging, I'm unclogging.

H: Are the lambs still crying, Clarisse?
Me: hay naku Hannibal, anu fi?
Lecter-an mo nga mga imbey na 'yan
nang mashokot! Chos.
(at the UP Open University celeb chenes,
UP Los Banos / 2009 photo by Kwami)

In between all of these things are picked up interactions, revived ones actually, with old friends and colleagues, most of whom are either queer or queered, so that's cool, too. Sometimes, it's also a welcome change to come out of social hibernation and find such gatherings again (especially now that we're finding common frenemies heheh but I digess). So that's really cool.

Of course I still wish that a few people who left the vicinity of my orbit could or would come crashing back to my existence (or I crash theirs), but we all know that that's quite hard to attain lately, so we make do with what we could in terms of keeping in touch. But I'm still longing for that day when we could exchange physical hugs again, have meaningful conversations face to face. Well, who knows, sooner than later. In life, as always, new chapters have yet to be written, and new sequels have yet to be filmed. So I believe that reunion tours are still possible for making beautiful music together. Don't you think?

With this life, as I've seen, anything is really possible and thus you should be ready to find surprises and stuff like that. And it's really a reinforcement that life is short, so we better live it. Even if it means going out of your comfort zones. That's actually my project lately (oi Taurus, good luck to me!!!). And I've also been seeing it all around me: people do move on (from jobs), people actually cope with moving (even if they miss their old environs), people would bend over backwards to get what they want (well, sometimes in a bad way, but what the hey), and people actually strive to make better contributions in their spheres of existence even if others outside of the circles don't understand it. Lately, I've been in this "What for?" mode, you know, like you find yourself asking why are people doing such things for, what are they trying to achieve, what is the point of their efforts, and all those things. I don't know, existential angst biting lately, like hard, especially when I ride U.P. jeeps and see enthusiastic students rushing to class, then at the back of my mind I wonder if the government could keep them when they graduate since there might not be jobs available for them in the future, and all that socioeconomic intersectioning shit (I've been falling into this "trap of thinking" also, lately). Di ba? WHAT FOR?

But when I analyze it further, maybe it just boils down to finding the middle ground between passion and contentment. In between that range, I guess there's happiness, fulfillment, excitement, drive, all things nice. I think my problem lately is that I am only operating on a half-and-half mode, like half-passion and half-contentment, so I don't arrive at something more concrete in the middle. Hah, look at me share with you guys this very private realization, but I realized that some of you out there might also be feeling the same way (especially if you're way way waaaay beyond burnout mode already, comme moi), so maybe you could pick up a few thoughts here and there from this space, much like how I have been trying to pick up a few thoughts somewhere else to digest for my own sanity. And it's good that I've been getting that back -- sanity I mean, a more "sober" way of looking at things, of processing stimulants. Also hard to find kindred souls to process things with, but I'm glad my ever-reliable set of kindred spirits are still there, whether near or far. I love you guys. Really.

I think what I need right now in my life is another big bang.
Like really. As in, huge. As in, now nah!
(at the American Museum of Natural History, New York /
March 2010 photo by x)

So what's next? I don't know. I don't really know. While that might sound so scary, that could also sound exciting, or even thought-provoking. Let's see where these paths would take me this year, up to the next. We also make things happen, and let's see if we could find more wormholes to traverse into, in order to discover more universes out there that might have a better time-space continuum.

Allez.

when ranting is good for the health...

I decided to rant in a major way about writers and their (our) woes to our national hero, Jose Rizal, on the occasion of his 150th birthday today. I popped it out in my Culture Popper blog to be more precise. Read that here.

In terms of writing, relevance and being queer, I also made a happy-first-year-anniversary article about my favorite writing gig of late, the Philippine Online Chronicles' Pinoy LGBT Channel. Read about that here.

I was with my good friend B last Friday, my editor in that POC channel. And as usual, we talked (er, ranted?) about the latest goings-on in the local LGBTQ (or to be more appropriate, Manila-based) circles. Too many controversies going on to contextualize in this space. What I could just say is this: thank goodness for disengagement! Too many hypocrisies flying around and about. Makes me think if we would be able to achieve real solidarity, after all, in my lifetime. Oh well. If not here, then maybe elsewhere.

So this is where June Pride Month enters. I'll be celebrating it outside Manila. Of late, I think I prefer to circulate in old-but-new spaces with old-but-also-new queer people in my circles. I'm talking about attending the Baguio Pride Network's LGBTQ Pride March in Baguio before June ends. I bumped into them BPN peeps last April when I went up there with my superfriend L, and it's really refreshing to talk with queer people with no agendas or airs whatsoever.

It'll also be a good end to my half-a-year travel frenzy, this Baguio trip. I'm trying to formulate newer ruminations about such inner journeys so I made a travel blog last April in Tumblr, but I decided to migrate that to Wordpress instead. Haven't updated it yet but you can still read the earlier posts here.

It's the start of the semester here as well. I still can't shake off my vacation mode. That's what I'm talking about up there, the half-a-year travel frenzy. Been to lots of outside Manila places in that short span this year, mostly with my favorite kindred travelmate. So this Baguio trip, the second for the year, should conclude that -- for now. I don't know if I'm going to do any traveling again for the rest of the year, but I don't think I want to, yet. Well, unless there's work-related all-expenses paid traveling again, why not. And/or unless my favorite kindred travelmate returns, that's when I'll do some serious (personal) traveling again. But until then, maybe I'll just hibernate here at home and do some ruminations of the half a year that passed, among other ruminations.

Sometimes, it's nice to be anti-social, or just be with a handful of specific souls you want to share moments with. Thanks to the souls who have been reaching out to help lessen some sadness in me lately. I heart you all. And yes, more chats and rants soon.

Maybe for now, I'll just rest.

barely breathing

No, I haven't fallen into a ravine of forgetfulness. I was just merely trying other platforms.

And with that, a cross-post. Here's me trying out this Tumblr thing, making a new Leaflens offshoot that's meant to be a travel blog which will also collapse an earlier food blog I started. It's at Leaflens Lamyerda, with a longish entry about my latest travel -- to the beach of San Juan, La Union.

I am also in Twitter universe now. Add me up as @leaflens. Still trying to get the hang of it. Bear with me.

And in a few minutes, I turn 38. Not a good age to be queer in the Philippines but it's a great year to be alive on earth.

Just saying.

bowing down to the universe, ready for the next cycle.
(San Juan, La Union / April 2011 photo by superfriend L)

here we go again

Yes, it's official: I am burned out.

Yes, I am owning it. Openly.

Let's just call a spade a spade, shall we, and let it all out in the open. The first step in eliminating a problem is identifying it, right? So there you go.

respite from daily existence
(at blacksoup with beers and fellow angst(y) babes
/ Feb2011 photo by superfriend L)

Look at what a disturbed power nap made me do. And the disturbance had to come from pretentious people who always tell you they got your back when in reality they have been putting daggers in it relentlessly. And yes, they only call you up when they need something from you. Like I said, pretentious. That is why when the term "collegiality" is thrown around me, my involuntary reflex is to gag.

Yes, because I am burned out.

Another thing that prompted this was the realization that I am bending over backwards for reasons that are not fun. And it's not like the MRT/LRT fare hike will be halted when I do this bending over backwards thing. I don't see the purpose of it sometimes, now most times, but right now ALL TIMES.

Yes, because I am burned out.

Well, I can bend over, backwards, forwards, all wards, where wards, whardsevers... if only it's fun. Like during sex. Or if I get paid well to do it. Hm. Don't mind me; my brain just farted.

Sorry for this crap. I just need to dust off something from my system. And this blog is my dust-buster. So bust bust bust...

*

Speaking of which, this month, February 2011, marks the sixth year, yes 6th year, of the existence of this Leaflens space here in blogger. But if you look at my earliest posts here, you'll know that they were merely transferred from an older blog under blogcity.com, hence that tag.

So yay, happy birthday blog!

To take you down memory lane, it's funny to note the very first blog posts/transfers I did here, since some of them actually resonate with me today, and some situations are somewhat repeating themselves. Strange world...

On a more national scale, Feb 2005 was the month when the Valentine's Day bombings happened in Makati EDSA, the reason why I stopped riding buses in Manila. The entry bomb recalls that.

On a more personal note, some relationship wrap-ups were happening then, but I guess I was blogging about them blindly, which wasn't healthy. Mapagkumbaba entry shows that. Also stop which was a saner take on things.

On a work mode level, that was also the time when I and fellow sisters in solidarity were put in a two-month limbo regarding the fate and future of our work existence. Content narrates the first angst lashing out and by any other name would smell as sweet narrates the second one. Sadly, this situation is being repeated, as we speak, in this same space, with new people being put in limbo. Awwww. Group hug, you gals.

But of course, the typical post would always narrate myself talking to myself, like this self-discourse I had about art in maikli lang ito. And it's interesting because six years later, I am *still* having this exact conversation with myself!!! Like last week lang! Specifically, this conversation was also connected to reasons of my being burned out, especially when one wise colleague simply mumbled during lunchtime "What's first, art or tenure?" I love intelligent mumbles, pramis.

Haaaay.

Interesting, eh?

But wait, that doesn't mean that I started blogging in 2005 only. Back in 2001 or 2002 I think, I also opened up my very first blog ever here in blogger when it wasn't still very tech-friendly like today and when it was owned by some start-up group called Pyro. It was actually called Leaflets but I already deleted that one eons ago. But I also blogged heavily in a locally made effort during the early days of blogging when this writer started a blog specifically for writers. It was very simple and tech-friendly to non-techies so I signed up to test it.

Sadly, that platform ceased to exist even before I was able to salvage most of my entries there. I started blogging there in 2003 and that blog had the address of jotjotjot.forwriters.org if I am not mistaken. But the blog's actual name is Chez Moi. And I was able to archive most of it here in blogspot, too, but in a different site.

This was the very first entry in jotjotjot, and if you're also interested to read my other entries from June 2003 to May 2004, it's all here. Go crazy. Remember, The L Word was still new then, and I was chronicling it like crazy, as well as my favorite Queer As Folk. And before I labeled my film reviews "Cine Chichirya" in my blogs, I labeled them "The Spoiler Room." Self-explanatory.

*

Like that song said, come with me and you'll be
in a world of pure imagination... or something.
Escapist mode turned on. Chim-chiminee-chim-chiminee-chim-chim-cherooo...
(at the CCP complex / Jan2011 photo by superfriend L as well)

So yes, I blog when I'm escaping to do things I'm supposed to do. Or it serves as a temporary sand bar to rest on before diving back to the murky waters called society.

Hmm. Right now, chocolate truffles ice cream, my latest favorite, doesn't seem to do much comforting for this current state I'm in. I guess I have to get out of my hibernation cove and seek for the ultimate fool-proof comfort food of all time -- barbecue. Yes, what time is it? Half an hour before five. Yes, street food barbecue stands should be fanning the charcoals by now. Okay I will scavenge. Isaw here I come. Grill for me, baby.

Ciao bellas.