15 February 2005


i'm not sure why depressing things happen to us lately. the violent streets, as a friend put it last night, is ripe with disaster. imagine, that bomb in a bus under the mrt ayala station could have gone off on a sunday when i could have been alighting from the train to go to my sunday afternoon tutorials. kaboom me, diba? but no, it goes off on a valentine holiday, and yet another blasts in a tricycle right outside gaisano mall in davao an hour later or earlier, methinks. again, within this "special day." special indeed, for it will mark horrifying dates for the families of the dead. they will mark all souls day during valentine's from now on. horrific. so to quote the black eyed peas here, where is the love, man? i don't know.

people killin' people dyin'
children hurt and you hear them cryin'
can you practice what you preach
and would you turn the other cheek
father father father help us
send some guidance from above
'cause people got me got me questionin'
where is the love?

as i was listening to a piano player play burt bacharach early last night, i told my friend that in the '60s or '70s, they sang what the world needs now is love sweet love. and then some thirty-plus years later, the black eyed peas are still wondering where is the love. in three decades, we haven't found it. what does that say about our humanity?

i don't know.

can you smell... martial law? i'm too young to remember, but i read history books. start reading.

i decided not to be unhappy anymore. yes, i believe you can decide on those things. if you can decide what pair of shoes goes with what outfit, you can decide what expression to wear on your face in the coming days. but within this social milieu, it's hard to contextualize things. sometimes, personal takes are lost in the larger perspective of things. you begin to question purpose, intent, outcome, and process. i know i should not be swallowed by such dictates -- mind over matter, mind over feelings. but i don't know where the pinch is coming from. all i know is that i want to be relieved of it already.

if i am just doing this for material, then so be it. if that is how people see this, then so be it. people are diverse, opinionated, and come from different angles of experience. who am i to argue if they are right or wrong? who am i to challenge them if they want to believe in their own version of reality? all i know is that i do what i feel is right for the time being, for me. selfish sounding, sure. but in the end, whose life is this anyway? certainly not theirs. so i am here to reclaim it. life's too short to wallow on muddy waters. i could be the next victim of some tragic social flaw tomorrow. so what's the point of not doing the things you want to do right now? yes, away with melancholy. trash depression. flush out guilt. exorcise doubt. easy to say, hard to fulfil, but we're trying. we should all try. we should. right now. i refuse to be part of some mind trap. as en vogue sang, free your mind and the rest will follow. go to the gym, meet new people, keep busy with work, reconnect with friends, follow your art. do anything to get 'un-stuck.' accept things for what they are. we cannot change people overnight, and we should not demand people to change for us for whatever purpose. life is a neverending negotiation of needs and wants, so let's just all try to find the balance of things for harmonious co-existence.

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