Never the has-been, always the passer-through

Of all the biggest career epiphanies I'd get naman lately, it had to be from a freaking Quentin Tarantino movie pa. Well, not really a direct influence there, but it was a jumping off point to where the enlightenment hit me.

The movie was ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD and it's about how Leo DiCaprio's actor character laments becoming a "has-been" since he always plays the bad guy in movies and TV shows during the golden era of Hollywood TV. There's a storyline there where he accepted being the star of spaghetti westerns as a raket, the same move that made Clint Eastwood famous early in his career. Pagbalik niya sa Los Angeles, Leo's character didn't know what's next in his life after that Italian stint. He's not sure whether there are more roles available for him in the ever-changing entertainment landscape and such. So that's how his career discourses ended in that film.

The concept of the "has-been" has actually been bugging me for some time now. When my partner asked me recently "So ano ba talaga ang gusto mong gawin sa buhay now or next?" iisa lang ang lagi ko namang sagot diyan: ang magsulat.

Magsulat, meaning I'd really like to go back to doing literary stuff. My mind has been churning out bits and pieces of stuff that will enhance or end current unfinished stories in my head, things I jotted down a decade ago, or even more, mga obrang naiwanan na dahil kailangang kumita ng pera.

And that's always the rub here, di ba. May naiiwan talagang gawain, all for the sake of making money. 'Yun nga lang kasi, it's not really just about making money to pay the bills ang peg ng in-between writer life ko kasi. It's also about making a difference, no matter how minuscule.

And that has always defined my career choices, if ever you could call it that. Sometimes, I find myself in the right place at the right time in history. When Edsa Dos happened, I was having the time of my life as a legitimate newspaper section editor, working with hardened journalists who laugh at politicians' death threat letters. Before that, I was given the chance to bloom as a film writer/analyst of film-related collaterals and materials (AVPs, film scripts, PRs, etc.) and more, in a film and TV production company. Then there's this one gig I traded for a chance to be part of a "video documentary for social change" inter-country (Asian) workshop: being a section editor of the then newly established website of the Phil. Daily Inquirer newspaper. Well, little did I know that, years later, that time during Edsa Dos, my entertainment editor stint, the publisher of that newspaper is the one who established PDI naman anyway. So I was able to work with a legend pa rin pala! And then that docu workshop naman led me to meet people who would later intersect with my TV life when I transitioned to being a TV show director -- and not by my choice, mind you. I have two college barkada running a children's show, at nasita sila ng Siyete for also directing it. So they needed a third party outsider, and I was the best candidate they could think of -- kasi wala akong Dos ego unlike our other barkadas hahaha, and also keri ko ang low-budget indie-setup shoots (i.e. shooting with little budget on a very limited time frame, like 8am to 6pm lang then pack-up naaaa). And well, that truly worked for me, for a while. It's because it's a children's show, which also gave us the chance to teach kids on air. Moreso when I started scriptwriting the two shows after the one I directed. 

Diyan pa lang, puno na ang plate ko e. If you ask me what did you do in your life and did you enjoy it? Ang sagot: E di ayan, ang dami, and hell yeah, masaya! Again, I was at the right places at the right moments, and with the right availability at that. Teaching was also like that for me, though that one I really pursued, unlike those that were offered to me for consideration. I never really thought of being a prof, a full-time one at that, kasi ayoko ring matali sa institusyon lang lagi. Kasi nga I'm not like that. I like to be in a company that lets me work on several things, too. And UP also gave me that, kasi nakakaraket pa rin ako sa labas and all, hindi lang ako tali sa loob -- kasi the innards truly suck, if you're just there. Either lalamunin ka ng sistema to be as corrupt as they are, or you'll get tired of it and leave (which is what I did).

When a door closes, another one opens.
Life is full of doors, that's why.
[Taken in Disneyland in California 2010] 

So now na tapos na lahat ng mga ito sa buhay ko, what happened next? Well, the early to mid-2010s were as equally exciting, to say the least. I was part of a good media and gender women's empowerment campaign which I helped Rappler fly off the ground, then I was also tapped to teach media literacy modules for a traveling lecturer gig by DepEd-attached government agency NCCT. That was also wonderful; I got to travel the country for a while, to teach parents, teachers, and students about media and being literate about it. Saya lang. Sumasabay pa doon minsan ang isang teaching gig din sa foreign lands, where I was tapped by an international feminist NGO to do feminist digital storytelling lectures for their workshops din. And that was also meaningful work for me, even if they were all short-lived.

See, that's the thing with me. I don't mind doing short-lived things for as long as they are meaningful and worthy, and they help people gain insights about, well, being better humans, I suppose. All of my work stuff is advocacy-related, in a way, whether directly or indirectly kasi. Early on, alam ko nang ganun ang gusto kong puntahan kasi. Maybe I was burned by the idea I saw in my parents' generation, na they stuck to just one job and one company their whole life, and then they end up feeling bitter about it when it wrapped up. 

So sa ganyan nangyayari ang ganap ng pagiging "has-been" for me: when you buy into one strand and then you miss doing it or feeling mo nalipasan ka na kasi hindi ka na tina-tap or ini-involve. I understand where the generation of my parents are coming from in terms of how they decided on career choices. Iba kasi ang panahon nila. Kaya bilang Gen X-er, we were caught naman in the middle of feeling guilty about not having one stable job all throughout yet at the same time we also relish jumping from one new experience to the next. 

I had this conversation once with a former UP classmate who didn't finish his degree here kasi na-petition na sila sa USA. He told me how he sometimes envy us na ka-batch niya kasi we were able to pursue at least one clear linear career na media-related. Kasi nga media majors kami (i.e. masscom-film), na-pursue namin ito in bits and pieces. Siya daw kasi, sa natapos niya sa US, ang nangyari is paycheck-to-paycheck ang career movement niya, tatalon siya kung saan mas lucrative, and secondary concern na lang 'yung kind of company/job it is. Tinanong niya ako if may "dollar-sign-eyes" na daw ba ako kaya ko tinatanong ito. Kasi that time, I surveyed a handful of my peers, mya kaibigan nga from media school, to see if they are doing well abroad. I was also considering that back then, 2010 to be exact, thinking na baka nabigyan ako ng chance silipin ang New York at California for enticement baga. Pero iba-iba nga ang nakikita kong kuwento ng mga peers ko sa iba't ibang parte ng mundo. Iba-iba rin ang nagiging life choices, of course. 'Yung iba nga nahihiyang mag-share ng real score, kasi taliwas sa training namin. 'Yung iba naman, proud kasi hindi ka dapat tali sa training para umalagwa ang buhay mo doon (speaking to a fellow masscom grad na naging news reporter pa nga dito pero moved to New Zealand to be with the jowa so she worked sa retail daw doon). Meron din naman akong naka-chika na fellow writer here na nagturo sa UP then umalis o inalis dahil nainis nga sa politics, pero lately she went back in naman, probably siguro nag-retire na kasi o wala na 'yung mag asungot doon sa kanya before. 

Ang daming kuwento, ang daming trajectories, mga kahenerasyon ko lang ito, at iilan lang ito. Kaya nga pakiramdam ko, 'yung sinasabi nilang "has-been" ay hindi applicable sa amin. Sa akin, at least, kasi nga, I was always what I now call as a "passer-through" or someone who passes through work stuff but also gaining much from it, hindi lang 'yung dumaan ka lang without stopping by, or without making a dent in people's lives. I believe naman I did, and don't take my word from it. Hear it from the people who come up to me, who message me, who send me greetings long after the gig has wrapped up, those who have been telling me that what I taught them or our work together was meaningful even if it was brief, etc. And I think I've collected enough of these sentiments to pull me out of ruts most times lately, lalo na't nag-iiba na nga rin ang temperament ko on what I want to do for work these last few years of this decade. 

Nag-iiba lagi ang mundo, nag-iiba lagi ang kalakaran. May mga nananatili pa ring gawain, pero mararami pa ring puwedeng gawin at maaaring puntahan. 'Yan ang maganda sa buhay ngayon. You can also create your own ways. Nabababad ako lately sa LinkedIn kakabasa ng stuff doon. At isa sa mga tumataginting na suggestion nila ay: "find your niche" o kaya "develop your personal brand and stick to it." Eh pucha if I did this pala eons ago, ano na ko ngayon? I'd rather be this hyphenated working person rather than being known for one thing and one thing only. Kaya hindi ako maka-fully agree dito sa personal branding shiz eh. Kasi my brand is eclectic, much like my faith, my beliefs, and my principles. Hindi kasi ako monolithic, eh, I'm not one sole structure of this or that alone. If we're talking about buildings, I'm probably a sprawling resort with various areas of interest, at hindi ako 'yung hotel lang o pool area lang o garden lang o cottage lang. You know what I'm saying? It's like that, eh. I'm like that. A freaking resort, preferably beachfront lol.

They used to have a different term for this kind of mentality decades ago, when I  was starting to become a professional. "Jack of all trades, master of none." And you know what? As I worked on many fields and things and domains, hindi ako nananatiling jack, eh. Pucha, queen ito, pare, queen! 'Yan ang alas ko hahaha! Hindi naman "expert" level ang aim dito eh, kundi acquiring multiple skills that will make you flexible to face anything. Kasi I also believe that those who self-label as experts are partly ego-driven na rin. Case in point: this former prof-colleague of mind who kept on harping na expert daw kasi siya sa documentary films kaya siya ang na-tap mag-judge ng isang docu video competition ng isang student org. OMG paulit-ulit niyang sinasabing "expert" siya sa docu sa isang meeting lang na 'yun. Naloka ako. Nasubukan na ba niyang umakyat ng rice terraces to shoot IP people, mingle with displaced farmers and farm workers, talk with HIV-positive people, interview abused children or descendants of Philippine heroes, to make documentaries? I have! Ang konsepto niya ng docu eh mga AVP, and that's effin' different no. Naloka ako sa "expertise" niya at nahiya naman ako sa mga nagawa kong docu in life grabe sorry eclectic ako eh. (/sarcasm if you don't get it LOL). Pero go, siya ang may tenure at ako wala hahaha. Such is life.

Well, 'yun na nga. Past na kasi. Sabi nga ng isang Og Mandino piece, "What is past is dead. Let the dead bury the dead." Very applicable for the negatron portions indeed.

So this is where I am right now, within the intersection of varied realizations that:
a) Ang dami ko na palang nagawa sa buhay potah hahahaha!
b) Maganda at maayos naman pala ang mga naiwan kong "trail" sa buhay, at
c) Gosh ang dami pang puwedeng gawin sa life.

Pero 'yun na nga, mabalik tayo sa isang universal concern: ang kumita ng pera habang ginagawa mo ang gusto mong gawin. Well, nandiyan pa rin naman tayo sa estadong 'yan. Pero now that I was able to clear out my mind about the streak of relevance I have in this vast universe, I guess I am more at peace with what to do next.

Never a has-been, always a passer-through. So I'm very open to the next stages where I will be passing in this lifetime. 

GAME!

This is me being eclectic. Story of my life, eh.
[Taken in Disneyland in California 2010]

Prying priorities

I suddenly miss the days when I used to write a long-ass status report of my year come its end. Those were the days na masipag pang mag-blog ang mga taong kakilala ko, my friends, my writer contacts, even my non-writer contacts, basta marami. Early 2000s, and I was in my late 20s back then, so siyempre marami pang energies. Come early 30s, same same. We have a lot of things to say -- and we still do -- but we also had more time, opportunity, and chance to write them all back then. 

Iba na kapag kalakarang 40s ka na pala. I started out this decade of my life having much to say pa rin, pero parang few and far between na rin ang blogging ko by that time. Life always gets in the way of things, and so does work. While I'm ever so grateful to the universe na hindi ako nauubusan ng life experiences to write about at hindi ako nauubusan ng raket para mabayaran ko ang mga bayarin ng buhay, oras lang siguro ang hihilingin ko sa ngayon para lang mabalikan ang ilang bagay na gusto kong balikan sa buhay.

Pero hindi pa rin naman guarantee ito. May oras ka nga, pero minsan, iba ang gusto mong gawin din. Magpahinga is on top of that list, tumunganga sa kawalan habang nagmumuni-muni is another, and read books is the close third. Siyempre, hindi pa rin nawawala ang buhay at kabuhayang package stuff, siyempre, so pasingit-singit lang silang lahat diyan. Ang tanong lang: ano ang sisingit saan? 

Priorities. Minsan, iyan ang tinatapon natin sa mukha ng ibang tao para maipamukha natin sa kanila kung ano ang mahalaga sa atin, o kaya'y maningil para masabi nila kung mahalaga ba sila sa buhay mo. Ilang relasyon na rin ba ang pinagdaanan ko na may mga singilang ganito. Meron diyang nagsabing priority daw niya ang mga anak niya, kaya ang pag-deal sa lovelife issues ay hiwalay sa pag-deal sa issues niya sa bahay nila. On the one hand, I somewhat understand this. But on the other, it's also strange to see how things can get categorized that way with her. Ibig sabihin, hindi niya balak pagkrusin ang landas ng dalawa. Nakakatawa, eh paano yun, hahatiin niya ang sarili niya? Hindi naman ako naniningil sa kanyang bigyan niya ako ng panahon, pero binabato niya lagi sa akin na ang priority daw niya ay ang mga anak niya. Did I tell you na may malaking disconnect sa communication sa taong iyon? That's why it was easy to severe ties with that one. I lost 100k in that transaction, by the way, but I just chalked it up to a bad investment, which bought me crucial life lessons in life that are priceless. So ganun na lang 'yun.

Meron namang kabaligtaran dati ng priority singilan, pero hindi pa nga paniningil eh. Biro mo, tatakbo ang isang linggo, dalawa tatlo, isang buwan, dalawang buwan, ni walang communication sa iyo ang jowa mo. Paano 'yun? Magtataka ka na lang kung may jowa ka pa, kung buhay pa ba siya o kung na-abduct na ng alien. Hindi naman priority ang hiningi ko sa kanya, kundi basic decency lang sana, na sana sumagot sa text at tawag ko, para lang malaman kung buhay pa siya, at para malaman ko kung may jowa pa ako! Nakakaloka di ba. May pinagdadaanan lang daw siya, at may dini-deal with lang daw. Pero for 3 months walang comms? Panalo, di ba. Children, before the word "ghosting" was invented, I was freaking living it!!! And this was late 2000s, okay? Kalerks.

Hay, priorities. Noong nagtuturo pa ako sa UP, itong kabarkada ko noong college  na ni-recruit ko ring magturo doon sa alma mater namin, sinabi niyang mas priority na niya ang magkaroon ng tahimik na karaketang estado sa buhay, at ang pagtuturo doon ang nakita niyang magbibigay sa kanya nun. "Dito na tayo tatanda," sabi niya. I panned left, panned right, zoomed in and out sa isip ko sa mga makakasama namin doon sa aming "home for the aged" na 'yun, and I was like HELL NO in my mind. I still wanted to work outside of that office, I still want to travel while working and doing stuff, and I certainly don't want to be tied down to the puny suweldo there kung gusto kong mas umasenso sa buhay. Biro mo, I left an international NGO job that pays me nearly 30k a month, which is huge for 2004 ha, to having a starting salary of what, 17k a month, not even enough to cover my rent and bills at that time. It's a miracle I was able to pull that off before (I had two more jobs back then, mind you), and after 8 years of teaching, my suweldo was just around 35k lang yata, can't even remember kung net or gross pa ito. And with the political bickering happening there, where your promotion to a higher rank (ergo higher pay) solely depends on how good you ass-kiss people in power there, I was like, duuuude, I am SO NOT GROWING OLD HERE. Kaya like a bad lover who didn't take care of you, it was easy for me to up and go din from that relationship, probably the longest one I've had in my life (work-wise and relationship-wise na rin!). And that dude who said na tatanda siya doon? Mas nauna pa siyang nawala doon sa akin, simply because he didn't finish his MA on time, which was a requirement for a professor to teach there. So much for commitment, huh. Well, that guy had problems naman talaga in that department, commitment, so I wasn't surprised at all. 

Priorities. These days, ano ba ang priorities ko? At least wala na akong puprublemahing jowa na maniningil ng ganito. Alam kong mahirap maintindihan minsan ng isang nilalang na kailangan ko ng panahong mapag-isa para makapagsulat, pero at least naiintindihan ito ng kaulayaw ko sa buhay ngayon. Mahirap nung umpisa, pero naintindihan na niya ngayon, ngayong nakakaapat na taon na kaming magkasama, kasi talaga namang work-in-progress pa rin ang pagkakakilala niyo sa isa't isa. Pero masaya ako na naiintindihan na niya, at hindi niya ako sisingilin na i-prioritize ko siya, samantalang ang time away ko from her ay time na gumagawa ako ng pera para sa akin, sa kanya, sa aming lahat. Kaya naiintindihan na niya ito. Nakakaloka lang kung may jowa kang hindi naiintindihan ito, ano?

Naalala ko nga 'yung kuwento nila sa asawa ni National Artist for Literature NVM Gonzalez, na may dedicated wife siyang gumagawa ng lahat sa buhay, para siya, wala siyang ibang gagawin kundi magsulat nang mapayapa sa writing room niya. On the other side of this coin, isa sa mga hinahangaan kong Pinay writer na si Kerima Polotan Tuvera naman, naisingit ang pagsusulat sa gitna ng pag-aalaga sa mga anak, pamamalantsa, pagluluto, at paggawa ng iba pang gawaing bahay habang nagaganap ang domestic duties niya in full force. Wala siyang katulong sa bahay, may asawa pero dahil sa mga dekada '70-'80 ba sila nagsama, panahon ito na hindi shared responsibility ang house duties sa mag-asawa. Siguro tumulong din kahit papaano, pero iba pa rin kapag nanay ang nagpatakbo ng bahay. 

Two coins, one currency. Alin doon ang papahalagahan ko? May panahon kasing parang NVM ako, na mag-isa ako sa buhay, single, kaya nakakapagsulat nang malaya sa bahay kong may writing room. May panahon din namang Kerima ang peg ko, na maraming kailangang gampanan sa buhay pero nagsisingit pa rin ng konting panahon para makapagsulat. Hay. 

These days kasi, lalo na nung pumasok ang dekadang ito, iba na ang nagiging temperament ng buhay. Nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong makapagsulat din ng bonggang-bongga, dalawang libro pa nga ang kinalabasan, pero may panahon ding wala akong panahon sa pagsusulat kasi ang kabuhayan package ay kung saan-saang lupalop ako dinadala. Na of course, hindi ako nagrereklamo, dahil ito naman ang gusto ko sa buhay, di ba? Careful what you wish for, right? Ito na nga 'yun, kaya masaya rin ako na naganap din iyon kahit papaano, natikman kumbaga. May isang friend nga ako na writer din at kapwa NGO worker, sabi niya, tapos na ang mga araw naming nagpapakadakila para sa sining at sa bayan, at kailangan na naming mag-focus sa pagpapayaman. Ewan kung naganap na sa kanya iyon mula nang huli kaming mag-usap, pero sana nga ay maginhawa na rin ang buhay niya tulad ng naging maginhawa ang buhay ko.

Well, 2018 na. Hindi pa rin ako mayamang-mayaman, pero nakakaluwag naman ako sa buhay na ngayon. Natapos ko nang bayaran ang condo ko, kaya maluwag na ako sa aspetong iyon, at may seguridad na ako sa isipan kong may titirhan akong hindi ako palalayasin kung hindi ako nakabayad ng renta. Priorities? Kailangan ko pa ring kumita, kaya ine-explain kong mabuti sa asawa ko na kailangan kong umalis paminsan-minsan kapag may raket, o kailangan kong maglaan ng oras sa trabaho kaya hindi ako makakasama minsan sa kung anuman ang kailangang gawin sa bahay, at naiintindihan niya iyon. Ang priority lang naman namin siguro ay ang maalpasan ang isang araw, linggo, buwan o taon na walang nagkakasakit sa amin, walang nagugutom, walang nadedehado. Hindi lang kasi kami dalawa sa buhay, apat kami, kasi may dalawa siyang anak. Priority namin na mapalaki na maging mabuting mga tao at mamamayan itong dalawang bata in our care. Na sana naman ay maganap.

Ilang tumbling na lang, 2019 na. Tapos panibagong dekada na naman ang susunod. Papasok na ako sa aking golden decade soon. Hindi ko alam kung maghahanap pa ako ng mga priorities sa panahong iyon, o kung may panahon pa akong mapapag-isipan ko ang mga bagay na ito. Pero definitely, hindi siya titigil. Walang titigil sa kalakarang ito ng buhay. Delayed man ng konti o pasingit-singit, okay pa rin. Basta ang mahalaga, buhay ka at humihinga. 

Although napapaisip din ako sa sinabi ni Ricky Lee dati, nang interbyuhin ko siya for a newspaper feature dahil nag-launch siya ng bagong libro. Ang pagsusulat sa kanya ay parang paghinga. I used to feel that way, too. But that definitely has changed for me. And I don't know what the culprit is, that was responsible for that change. Siguro isa, may napapansin din ako lately. Dati, blogging lang ang dahilan kung bakit ako nag-o-online, at nakaka-offline ako nang bongga. Sa 24/7 connectivity natin these days kasi, I think may isang obvious na mistress na umaagaw ng atensyon ko at nagde-demand ng time na makaulayaw ko siya: social media. Kung FB friends tayo, napapansin mo bang hindi na ako masyadong pumupunta doon lately? Mas nasa litrato ako, binabalikan ko ang purity ng online documentation of life kasi sa Instagram. Toxic na pati sa FB, lalo na nitong nakaraang dalawang taon. Hindi rin nakakatulong na nagkaroon tayo ng sobrang toxic online environment dahil sa trolling. Ang troll parang bodyguard ng kabit mo e, na mananakot sa iyo kapag hindi mo ginawa ang gusto ng kabit mo: na magbabad ka sa piling niya sa araw-araw. Parang nawala na ang original novelty of keeping in touch sa social media. Kaya parang nawawalan na ako ng gana sa kanya. Well, I guess sa FB lang naman, pero kasi ang dominante niya sa buhay natin, di ba? Kaya nakakaloka lang minsan.

Hay naku. Priorities. Ano nga ba? I guess it's more like distractions for me, na nauubos ang oras ko minsan sa nakatunganga ako sa social media, pa-scroll scroll. Minsan talaga, kailangan ng unplugging, lalo na't gusto mong magsulat. Saka ka na makisakay ulit kapag nakaahon ka na. Kaya iyan ang naging strategy ko most times this year. Saka parang gusto ko na ngang ibahin ang galawang online ko, kasi nga marami akong nami-miss gawin, at marami akong kailangan ihintong gawain. Priorities. Paglilinis at pag-streamline ng buhay siguro ang kailangan from time to time. And I need to do that soon.

Anyway, sorry at mahabang rant yata itong naisiwalat ko dito. Blame it on being cooped up here at home for almost two weeks now, kasi nagka-sprain ako, and hindi pa yata siya magaling kaya hindi ko maiapak pa. Kaloka. Kaya dito ko muna pagmamasdan ang mundo ko, mula sa bintana ko, dahil priority ko ngayon ang magpagaling -- para makalarga ulit nang bonggang bongga sa buhay.

Happy holidays, folks. 

From my window to yours. Bowie says hi!
[Dec 2018 Marikina]

missing windows

I missed my window for coffee today.

Over ice, near sunset.

So that's this chocolate drink I tried once, but they came out with a product that's part coffee, part chocolate milk, and part guarana. And I'm guessing it may not be as strong as the coffee I wanted to drink, but it's okay enough to consume as I work the night.

Sometimes it takes a while for me to work up the energy to work. I don't think this is about age (maybe partly) but it's like being prepared for the headspace for working on something. Especially if you're dealing with heavy development work here where your brain is the real weapon of (critical) mass emancipation, then you'll need to prep the body that houses it, and the surroundings that envelop it. So after running some errands outside, the body was kinda pooped on the inside. Rest, a bit of house cleaning, another shower, a late meal, and  then we're going back to the grind. But sometimes, the mind is still not up to it. I dunno. Sometimes, it's just like that.

There's always the option to work on other lighter things, with "lighter" being a relative term here. So maybe I'll just do that. And see where the night takes me, work-wise. Staring out at the window for a while helps, always. So I'll just do that for a while.

And blog a bit. So here we are.

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Charot.
Palubog na si juliet beks.
Magtrabaho ka na!

Have a good evening to all. Time for me to hit the salt mines. Night shift si bakla today, so gorabels.

jumpstart my art

And I'm quoting-paraphrasing another song there in the title. Natalie Cole, pare. Batang '80s din ako eh bakit ba.

Ayan. Handa, awit.





Heniweys, I needed to jumpstart my brain today before working, especially since I came from a semi-sick weekend. Been trying to fight off this nasty nasty cough that developed last week, during the time I had an urgent lecture gig pa naman. Fine timing, beks. Fine timing. But since the show must go on, on we went pa rin sa lectures, last week and even kahapon. Pero dahil recovering pa rin yesterday, napagod yata ang lungs ko kaya knockout ako agad kahapon. Not to mention na darating din pala today si monthly curse, kaya ayan, double KO lola mo. Leche.

Loving these travel lecture gigs courtesy of the DepEd-attached agency
called National Council for Children's TV. I love it that I get to
teach my media literacy advocacy to kids who need it.
Getting paid to do what you love is just great.
This here is for the NCR leg, Marikina chapter last week.

Ito yung biglaang sked last week, at sa Muntinlupa pa talaga.
Biglaan, as in, mam puwede ka bukas?
Hahaha kaloka, pero isa pala ito sa pinakamasayang division.
Sa traffic pauwi nawala ang boses ko, bad aircon
ng ride exacerbated the sore throat I've been
feeling days before. Kaya na-double whammy lola mo.

And yesterday's show that must go on, at the heart of Manila pa naman.
Sarap sanang maglayag doon if not for feeling sick
and the public transport strike pa.
Kaya uwi agad after lecture, pahinga fatale.

At muling nanumbalik ang magic antidote sa cough
na nadiskubre ko noong nagtatrabaho ako
fulltime sa feminist NGO noon:
 si Pei Pa Koa. Works like a charm, mga bes.
At available na siya sa Mercury yipeee!

Buti na lang at wala ulit skeds this week for lectures. But I'm bracing myself in the next 2-3 weeks kasi sunod-sunod ang peg. Kaya kelangang mag-ipon ng lakas at boses. Beat this fucking energy gap, beks. Huhubelles.

But I have to face my other gigs din naman kaya tuloy pa rin ang life. Ito nga lang ginagawa kong documentary film, masyado siyang kumakain sa headspace nang bongz, lalo na't I have to digest many concepts and jargon of a sector and make it palatable to all. At alam naman natin minsan ang development sector, bongga sa concepts na hinahagis-hagis lang left and right, mga concepts na hindi normally available sa mga garden variety conversations in life pero sine-sepak takraw lang nila like that. You know, mga terms like development justice, my fave capacity building,  or institutional architecture,  saka international collective advocacy, mga ganyan. Haha grabe I lurv my life: one end of the spectrum is kababawan showbiz pop culture and the other is palaliman sa konsepto development sector-United Nations level workload while ang midpoint is queer and academic tapos halo-halo na ang gitna hahaha. Brain, kaya mo pa??? 

Kaya yeah, kailangan ng bonggang bonggang buwelo kapag ito na ang haharapin kong trabaho pare. All the time. Para kang nagma-master's degree each time magha-handle ako ng feminist movement work hahaha. Trulagen collagen, 'yan ang feeling -- and I love it naman. Yun nga lang, kailangan ng extra bongz na preps ni headspace. Despite having coughs pa and this freaking dysmenorrhea.

Kaya ayan, kawayan mo na ang kape, beks.

Hellow phow. Geseng.

I love how all of a sudden, life could become quite busy. I was prepared to take it easy this month of Feb actually, which is what I did last January. I was even going back to my literary writings and personal projects I put on hold like decades ago. But no, gigs beckon, so sige na rin. Hindi tayo tumatanggi sa grasya, ever. Kaya tanggap lang ng tanggap hangga't kaya ng powers. 

Kaya lang, puwede bang mag-function nang walang monthly curse? Leche din kasi ito eh. Timing. Oh well papel. It's hard being a gurl.

Siya, sige na nga. Work na. Nagising na konti ang utak, so tipa na ulit.

Kape pa. 

in betweener

Mantakin mo nga naman. Ang tagal ko nang di nag-blog. Kahit bday ko yata walang pahaging na mas malalim except for thanking everyone in my universe hmmm. 

Iba kasing klase umeksena ang buhay lately. 

May konting drama-dramahan pero not the laslas kind. 

May konting echosera-han pero di naman fatale type.

May happy mode ever at happypekpek variation. Ever! Mawawala ba 'yun? Hehehe.

At meron ding busy-busy-han factor. Like now. 

Typing this right after having a meeting for a project and before diving into two other projects. Ako na ang mukhang project. Pino-project ko talagang yumaman lately, obvious ba? Hahaha hindi naman. Tanggap lang kasi ako ng tanggap ng grasya, at tulong ng tulong sa mga may pangangailangan. Ganyan lang naman talaga ang buhay, eh. 

Pero masaya ako. Sobra. Kuntento. Wishing for more on some aspects, but my totality is totally zen. Will share more insights later when I find the time. And I know eventually, I will, naman. Ako pa!

In the meantime, tuloy pa rin ang chikahan sa askfm, ang kulitan sa @leaflens Twitter, at ang mga analysis sa thepoc.net Philippine Online Chronicles Pinoy LGBT channel. At sa iba pa.

O siya, later ulit! 

Retro to grade

Was about to start my work day when I found my star readings amusing for today.

To wit:

General Daily Horoscope

We are eager to start something today, but getting a project off the ground may be more challenging than we expect. Although the enthusiastic Aries Moon strikes a background note of enterprising spirit coupled with impulsive behavior, we could run into complications from stressful lunar alignments with naysaying Saturn and go-for-it Mars. Additionally, confusion is in the air as cerebral Mercury prepares to turn retrograde on Thursday.

Taurus Wednesday, Feb 5, 2014

No matter how much you might want to focus on your feelings, it's challenging to stop your mind from spinning around in circles today. You are thinking about so many different things and the thoughts continue to fly by, just out of your grasp. Frustration arises if you attempt to make use of your fantastic ideas, but there's no reason to be overly concerned about productivity for now. Instead, just sit back and enjoy the show.

Cancer Wednesday, Feb 5, 2014

Your flexible attitude allows you to temporarily minimize an unresolved issue today. You can easily let go of emotions that were bothering you in return for a bit of spiritual refreshment and social enjoyment. However, you might not be ready to relinquish all your feelings, but at least set them aside for a while without judging anyone too harshly. Spending some quality time with your friends or family is more restorative if your heart is fully open to the experience.

Wala naaliw lang ako. Medyo swakers na naman eh. Retrograde na naman pala si pareng Mercury bukas kaya kelangang kumapit pa. Nang extra. At bonggang bongga.

Speaking of bongga, may nag-tag sa akin sa Twitter at FB nitong materyal na ito kanina. Hehe hangkyot ni Maxie the Musical kiddie dito sa vid na ito, gawa nina Jonas sa TLFshare hehe:



Paborito ko 'yung inlab siya sa kangkong. Halaman! Hahahahaha! Lavet! Sana dumami pa yan hehe. Gujab TLF! Wagi!

O siya, back to work. More laterz.

At happy February na rin pala yo. 

This is what "cute kahit stressed" looks like. Hahaha! Yeah. Ako nah.

don't dream hope's over

Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup? 

Obviously I'm soundtripping again as I type this. Waiting for the new year to commence in a few hours, and I can't fucking wait to leave 2013 already!!! If you've been following this space closely, you'll know why. And if you know me, yeah you'll probably know why na rin naman.

Just thought of stopping by here and doing some sort of yearly summary like what I've always done before in this space, and in my offline journals as well. But I think I'm getting too old for such recaps. Or maybe sentimental, I don't know. That's why I've limited my recaps to bite-size chunks instead. Besides, sometimes there are times when you just have to stop, park your thoughts for a while, stop typing, stop snapping pictures, just breathe and let the bad vibes out as you let the good atmosphere in. Things like that.

I realized that when I was in Bangkok earlier this month. There was one point where I was so excited by everything, by coming back there, by revisiting the familiar, that I wanted to snap and snap away, record each and every moment for freeze frame documentation forever. I stopped one time, inside Chatuchak Market, and just let my senses get tickled by everything, without reacting. And you know what? That felt good. So good.

Overload of the senses that is Chatuchak Market. 

Source of my cleansing ritual props today.

This was where I realized it: just stop and 

indulge the senses. Stop documenting! So I did. 

After the bite.

Mindfulness really grounds me. One at a time, as Buddhism taught me 

decades ago. "When you eat, just eat. When you walk, just walk."

Still true after all these years. And this is why it's very meaningful 

for me as well to be guided like this in my travel there. 

I am bringing this feeling here with me, in Manila, 

and wherever I may go next in life.

So yes, sometimes we have to stop and stare. Stop and breathe. Stop and look, listen, and just feel. Stop and feel.

I guess that's what I'm doing here. Stopping and feeling. Not giving in to thoughts that are still haunting me during these last few days of the year, not giving in to emotions that are stapled together with those thoughts. Not giving in. Sometimes you have to not feel as well. Just be. Just be there.

Something like that.

*

Speaking of being, I was being my fabulous self again this latter half of the month. I said I might not surface for air but thanks to some lightened work load sked, I was able to. But what preoccupied me naman was something I love anyway, so the past week or so didn't feel like work anyway, because it involved cinema.

Or more accurately, MMFF. Comme ca:

Photo op-ping in between screenings, here with other 

MMFF peeps and jurors and Miss Universe runner-up 

title holder Ariella...Arianna...shyet ano na nga ngalan niya? 

Lagi ko nalilimutan! Tatlong araw kami magkasama 

pero lagi ko nalilimutan. Kasi hanggang smile 

lang ako at natotorpe akong kausapin siya 

hahahaha lekat sa #dykewoes itey.

I blogged about it in my pop culture blog about how I was tapped to be a juror for this year's Metro Manila Film Festival Most Gender Sensitive Film Award. And awaaaaaard talaga ang nanalo! For the record again, HINDI KO BINOTO ANG GBBT okayyyyyyy? I have my own opinions about that film at mahirap talaga kapag outvoted ka. Democracy rules kaya ayun, olats lola mo hehehe. But the gig was fun naman while it lasted, kaya of course masaya pa rin ako sa overall experience. Cinema is my first love, after all, a love affair I've been having ever since I could remember -- a love affair that will only stop when I stop breathing.

Kilroy was there. Ebidensiya.

Akala ko wala akong kakilala sa jurors, 'yun pala 

andun si Sigrid, direktor ng ANG HULING CHA-CHA NI ANITA. 

First 2 days suffer kami sa super-cold office sa QC GAD 

ni Ms. Ruby. Kaya kelangang magkulitan selfie after the screenings 

-- dahil malayo rin ang yosihan to cope hahaha. 

We screened the indie category here.

The gender jury after the deliberations right after the 

3-day screening sa Podium naman. Ayaw talaga bumigay 

ni Direk William Mayo sa vote naming KIMMY DORA hahaha 

kaya sa GBBT sila pumanig. My tie-breaker didn't push through, 

but I knew it wouldn't. Hope against hope lang naman 'yun. 

Basta, kuwento ko sa 'yo 'pag nag-inuman tayo hehe.

Kaya ayan, napanood ko na sila at sinipag akong mag-full on review ng mga films pero mostly for my POC gig. Here's a line-up:

My 10,000 Hours review - Dapat panoorin mo ito!!! Good good film. Fearless forecast ko ito as best picture at hahakot ng awards hehe. And I was right!

Boy Girl Bakla Tomboy: Mula kalye hanggang pelikula, may pride ka pa ba? - my kinda review of GBBT and why it didn't merit any vote from me whatsoever sa aking gender jury duty. Again, I WAS OUTVOTED! Kaya ayan, di na nga ako nagpunta ng awards night sa Meralco Theater hehe. Kebs na, kahit tinawag pala nila ang name ko to recognize us jurors pala, sabi ng nanay ko kasi napanood niya sa TV ang awards night. Eh mas masarap mag-booking kesa sa um-awards night teh panu ba 'yan hahahaha but that's another story. Chos!

Our "Little Bossing" that could: Isang pahabol na pagpapahalaga sa lesbiyana - My review of MY LITTLE BOSSINGS and why I think you should catch it just because of Aiza's lesbian character there. 

Ang taunang MMFF 2013 at LGBTQ overview - Hmm mali yata ang titling ko nito, pero kebs! In here, I run down the queer characters depicted in the MMFF films, at least yung meron ha. Sareeeh wala sa Pedro Calungsod, unless! LOLZ. 

Fabulous redefined anew, aney, cinematic style naman this time. Alam na!

*

Speaking of redefined, may pahabol pang fabulous ang ilang kaibigan sa pagtatapos ng taon. Ayaw daw nilang tapusin ang taon nang hindi naitatali sa isa't isa. Kaya ayun, from Chiangmai to QC with love ang peg at voila! Two good friends got married, queer style!

Newlyweds Bing and Marion with Bing's tita and mommy, 

JJ and me in the multitasking ceremony.

Nakakatuwa naman ang love story ng dalawang ito. Dekada nang magkakilala pero di nila inakalang magiging sila. Gulat ang lahat, pero ako, pleasant surprise ito. Wala naman kasi talagang makakapagsabi sa atin kung saan magmumula o susulpot ang pag-ibig eh. Minsan nga, tinatawag ka na, di mo pa nakikita. Minsan huni pa lang, nabibingi ka na. Minsan pinapasilip ka ng kalawakan kung ano pa ang meron diyan sa tabi-tabi. Minsan naman pinapatikim ka pero sa kalaunan, ipapasuka sa iyo kasi masama pala sa sistema mo ang timpla. Minsan, nariyan lang pala sa tabi. Minsan, biglaang darating na parang bulalakaw tapos kailangan mong mag-isip nang mabilis kung sasabay ka ba sa andar nito. 

Fun times with old friends. With the addition of Lorna 

the ever-critic at the reception hahaha. 

I so miss hanging out with like-minded fun queer peeps.

And everybody liked my "new" style hehe. 

Cuteness overload daw aney? Pak na pak.

Iba-iba 'yan para sa bawat isa sa atin. Kaya wala talaga tayong karapatang maghusga ng nararating ng lovelife ng bawat tao. Unless nakakasakit na ito sa kanya, at saka ka mag-intervention. Pero until then, hayaan mo silang matuto ng kailangan nilang matutunan, at hayaan na lang natin silang maramdaman ang nais nilang maramdaman. Ganun na lang.

'Yan ang tinutukoy ko sa not dreaming that hope is not over. Hope is never lost, never gone. Anuman ang naganap sa atin sa taong ito, isa lang ang lagi nating binabaon, year in and year out: HOPE. Hope that better things will come our way, hope that there will be a spark of interest that might lead to greater things, hope that things will fall into place and everything touched by chaos will be orderly again, hope that we are still alive with our hearts beating and our brains thinking, hope that blessings will continue to fall in our universe, hope that there will be a string of tomorrows to do all the things we want to do and love doing. 

Hope. Iyan ang hindi dapat nawawala sa atin. Nakatatak nga 'yan sa braso ko, eh, di ba? Kaya nananatili sa aking reminder iyan, anuman ang naganap sa taong ito. Nakahanap ako ng jowa pero hindi rin naman pala kami compatible at pinalala ito ng distansiya. Naloko ako ng isang halimaw na nagpapanggap na anghel na magmamahal sa akin pero sinaktan lang pala ako. Umalis na ako sa isang trabahong minahal ko ng lubos ng halos isang dekada dahil ayoko nang malason pa ng sistemang bulok. Iyan lang naman ang road bumps ko sa taong ito. Major major kung tutuusin, pero kinakaya pa rin naman. 

Pero mas marami at mas marangya pa pala ang papalit diyan. Na ikinakagulat ko, up to this very moment, dahil walang tigil ang pagpapadala ng universe ng reinforcements sa kampo ko. As in! Kung trabaho sa trabaho lang naman, nagkaroon ako ng maraming kapalit na consultancy, na nag-ending na nga sa isa sa pinakamasayang consultancy ko sa ngayon sa Rappler. At sa pagpasok ng taon, marami pa ring nakalinya at patuloy pa rin ang ilang nasimulang consultancy ngayong taon. Kaya wala namang kaso sa larangang iyan. 

 Cleansing the surroundings, cleansing the soul.

What you reap, you sow. Plant kindness and compassion. 

Your rewards will be ever-fruitful. I kid you not.

Sa ibang larangan naman, nagagalak ako at laging nakaalalay sa akin ang mga bago at dating kaibigan pagdating sa pag-alo sa puso at katauhan ko. Resbak kung resbak, at nakakatuwang malamang they have my back. Suwerte ko sa larangang iyan at may safety net ako ng mga confidantes who give me sage advise. I am thankful. As for the real scores, ayan, score lang ng score hahaha. I mean I always find some person here and there to while away time, to pass the time, things like that, knowing full well na all is not lost naman in that department for me. 

Maybe because of the recent experience, I am just wary and careful, especially when it comes to commitment. I'd actually like to go back to the "I don't do girlfriends" Shane shiz I had before. Well, so far, it's working! Brian Kinney mode na lang ever, for now. Maximum amount of pleasure, minimum amount of bullshit should already be tattooed on my being next. Sometimes I keep forgetting that fact. That's why I keep getting hurt. But yeah, thank goddess for my friends. I love their infinite patience and love for me. I heart them back. 

There will always be balance. 

Keep the faith, even if resolve is sometimes thinning.

So for now, we just take it easy, have some vino at queso, let the universe unravel more of what's next for me in my ever-evolving but exciting life. I can't wait to gallop in the year of the horse. I hear Pegasus coming. As I repair my wings, he lends me his. Because goodness knows I'm always meant to soar.

So let's.

May the odds be ever in all of our favors this 2014. 

WORK IT!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, YOU FABULOUS PEEPS. 

KEEP IT REAL.

the (usual) calm before the (work) storm

Even the Catholic God rested on a Sunday, so methinks so shall I. Not that I'm a god, but oh you know what I mean.

But this is actually the calm before the next wave of work storm coming up for me this month. Halfway marker of the month now done, and we have just another half to conquer and finish many things that have started, continue those that are still ongoing, and make room for newer things that are falling onto my lap.

But first, a breather.

Sabi ng pinsan ko, memorya na daw nila ang iba't ibang hitsura 

ng tanawin sa labas ng bintana ko, dahil sa kaka-litrato ko 

dito at kaka-post. Hindi ko yata magagawang memoryahin ito, 

dahil sa araw-araw na pinapakita sa akin ng kalawakan, 

iba-iba pa rin ang aking nakikita. Depende lang siguro iyon 

sa lenteng gamit mo sa araw ng iyong paggising. 

Pero ang mas mahalaga, nagigising ka pa rin -- 

at namumulat na may nakikita.

Moments like today make me grateful that I have my own space, one I could truly call my own where I could retreat from the world after I've been exposed to it for a while. 

 And expose we did. This week, exposure was to a 

roomful of educators who want to learn more about 

other fields and improve their pedagogy. 

Also got a chance to hang out with old friends in the 

children's educ/lit field, in the process discovering 

new good places to eat.Gratis sharing, priceless learning.

Yes, I heart shrimp. Ever. Everrrrrrrrrrr.

Also got to hang out some more with my 

high school barkada. Letting them discover 

what our hometown now has to offer. 

And it indeed offers more. Our friendship is still kooky 

and comforting for me, actually, after all these years. 

Glad I feel that way.

Also a space where I could work from, where the creative juices continue to percolate, a space for brewing better thoughts. Lucky to have that in my life, and I am indeed thankful that this happened, this kind of security, at a time when I thought it was impossible. Yes, the universe guides you that way: unannounced blessings, just catch the manna from heaven, and we're all good. All very good.

The best decision I made in my life is to be independent 

and have a "room of my own" as Virginia Woolf called it. 

I've always believed her ever since; we all need that room, 

that space, that we could call our own. Glad I have mine.

Of course it's also well and good that my sanctuary is just a stone's throw away from small but necessary offerings modern civilization has to offer. Just experiencing small stuff that makes me happy makes my day. Yes, I am easy to please, I suppose. But maybe I am more of the type that appreciates all things big and small. So things are not lost on me, big or small gestures alike. 

Picking up where we left off with this. 

Stronger and more focused. 

One day at a time.

Again, feeling very lucky to have that occasional bonding of camaraderie with like-minded individuals. My ex-advocate chef friend got this idea of the older generations just coming together and hanging around in their resto. And it's turning out to be a great idea that I look forward to attending every month. Sometimes it's just nice to kick back, relax, eat, chat, drink and smoke with people in your immediate soul vicinity. Also good to reconnect with old acquaintances that sometimes turn out to surprise you in some ways. And it's also a good way to meet new people and to just relax with all of their stories and laughter engulfing you. It's a kind of recharge that a writer like me truly enjoys. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but yes, it is that: a recharging.

 Sigarilyas, mani, kuwento at tawanan, Silverbelles edition. 

And now, batteries are all set. This is the calm before the work storm. When tomorrow comes, things will start speeding up again. I couldn't be happier. I could never be more grateful. As a good friend said last night, this is just the natural order of things, the beginning of more manna, as they told me last month. I'm glad there are a few good souls out there who still offer perspectives during times when mine seem defective. Balance is aligned again, thanks to their help.

Tomorrow is another day. Be thankful for today. I know I am. And tomorrow, I will be, again.

And still, continue to experiment. 

See how things fit you, beks. Word.