31 December 2013

don't dream hope's over

Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup? 

Obviously I'm soundtripping again as I type this. Waiting for the new year to commence in a few hours, and I can't fucking wait to leave 2013 already!!! If you've been following this space closely, you'll know why. And if you know me, yeah you'll probably know why na rin naman.

Just thought of stopping by here and doing some sort of yearly summary like what I've always done before in this space, and in my offline journals as well. But I think I'm getting too old for such recaps. Or maybe sentimental, I don't know. That's why I've limited my recaps to bite-size chunks instead. Besides, sometimes there are times when you just have to stop, park your thoughts for a while, stop typing, stop snapping pictures, just breathe and let the bad vibes out as you let the good atmosphere in. Things like that.

I realized that when I was in Bangkok earlier this month. There was one point where I was so excited by everything, by coming back there, by revisiting the familiar, that I wanted to snap and snap away, record each and every moment for freeze frame documentation forever. I stopped one time, inside Chatuchak Market, and just let my senses get tickled by everything, without reacting. And you know what? That felt good. So good.

Overload of the senses that is Chatuchak Market. 
Source of my cleansing ritual props today.



This was where I realized it: just stop and 
indulge the senses. Stop documenting! So I did. 
After the bite.


Mindfulness really grounds me. One at a time, as Buddhism taught me 
decades ago. "When you eat, just eat. When you walk, just walk."
Still true after all these years. And this is why it's very meaningful 
for me as well to be guided like this in my travel there. 
I am bringing this feeling here with me, in Manila, 
and wherever I may go next in life.


So yes, sometimes we have to stop and stare. Stop and breathe. Stop and look, listen, and just feel. Stop and feel.

I guess that's what I'm doing here. Stopping and feeling. Not giving in to thoughts that are still haunting me during these last few days of the year, not giving in to emotions that are stapled together with those thoughts. Not giving in. Sometimes you have to not feel as well. Just be. Just be there.

Something like that.

*

Speaking of being, I was being my fabulous self again this latter half of the month. I said I might not surface for air but thanks to some lightened work load sked, I was able to. But what preoccupied me naman was something I love anyway, so the past week or so didn't feel like work anyway, because it involved cinema.

Or more accurately, MMFF. Comme ca:

Photo op-ping in between screenings, here with other 
MMFF peeps and jurors and Miss Universe runner-up 
title holder Ariella...Arianna...shyet ano na nga ngalan niya? 
Lagi ko nalilimutan! Tatlong araw kami magkasama 
pero lagi ko nalilimutan. Kasi hanggang smile 
lang ako at natotorpe akong kausapin siya 
hahahaha lekat sa #dykewoes itey.



I blogged about it in my pop culture blog about how I was tapped to be a juror for this year's Metro Manila Film Festival Most Gender Sensitive Film Award. And awaaaaaard talaga ang nanalo! For the record again, HINDI KO BINOTO ANG GBBT okayyyyyyy? I have my own opinions about that film at mahirap talaga kapag outvoted ka. Democracy rules kaya ayun, olats lola mo hehehe. But the gig was fun naman while it lasted, kaya of course masaya pa rin ako sa overall experience. Cinema is my first love, after all, a love affair I've been having ever since I could remember -- a love affair that will only stop when I stop breathing.



Kilroy was there. Ebidensiya.


Akala ko wala akong kakilala sa jurors, 'yun pala 


andun si Sigrid, direktor ng ANG HULING CHA-CHA NI ANITA
First 2 days suffer kami sa super-cold office sa QC GAD 
ni Ms. Ruby. Kaya kelangang magkulitan selfie after the screenings 
-- dahil malayo rin ang yosihan to cope hahaha. 
We screened the indie category here.

The gender jury after the deliberations right after the 
3-day screening sa Podium naman. Ayaw talaga bumigay 
ni Direk William Mayo sa vote naming KIMMY DORA hahaha 
kaya sa GBBT sila pumanig. My tie-breaker didn't push through, 
but I knew it wouldn't. Hope against hope lang naman 'yun. 
Basta, kuwento ko sa 'yo 'pag nag-inuman tayo hehe.


Kaya ayan, napanood ko na sila at sinipag akong mag-full on review ng mga films pero mostly for my POC gig. Here's a line-up:

My 10,000 Hours review - Dapat panoorin mo ito!!! Good good film. Fearless forecast ko ito as best picture at hahakot ng awards hehe. And I was right!

Boy Girl Bakla Tomboy: Mula kalye hanggang pelikula, may pride ka pa ba? - my kinda review of GBBT and why it didn't merit any vote from me whatsoever sa aking gender jury duty. Again, I WAS OUTVOTED! Kaya ayan, di na nga ako nagpunta ng awards night sa Meralco Theater hehe. Kebs na, kahit tinawag pala nila ang name ko to recognize us jurors pala, sabi ng nanay ko kasi napanood niya sa TV ang awards night. Eh mas masarap mag-booking kesa sa um-awards night teh panu ba 'yan hahahaha but that's another story. Chos!

Our "Little Bossing" that could: Isang pahabol na pagpapahalaga sa lesbiyana - My review of MY LITTLE BOSSINGS and why I think you should catch it just because of Aiza's lesbian character there. 

Ang taunang MMFF 2013 at LGBTQ overview - Hmm mali yata ang titling ko nito, pero kebs! In here, I run down the queer characters depicted in the MMFF films, at least yung meron ha. Sareeeh wala sa Pedro Calungsod, unless! LOLZ. 

Fabulous redefined anew, aney, cinematic style naman this time. Alam na!

*

Speaking of redefined, may pahabol pang fabulous ang ilang kaibigan sa pagtatapos ng taon. Ayaw daw nilang tapusin ang taon nang hindi naitatali sa isa't isa. Kaya ayun, from Chiangmai to QC with love ang peg at voila! Two good friends got married, queer style!


Newlyweds Bing and Marion with Bing's tita and mommy, 


JJ and me in the multitasking ceremony.


Nakakatuwa naman ang love story ng dalawang ito. Dekada nang magkakilala pero di nila inakalang magiging sila. Gulat ang lahat, pero ako, pleasant surprise ito. Wala naman kasi talagang makakapagsabi sa atin kung saan magmumula o susulpot ang pag-ibig eh. Minsan nga, tinatawag ka na, di mo pa nakikita. Minsan huni pa lang, nabibingi ka na. Minsan pinapasilip ka ng kalawakan kung ano pa ang meron diyan sa tabi-tabi. Minsan naman pinapatikim ka pero sa kalaunan, ipapasuka sa iyo kasi masama pala sa sistema mo ang timpla. Minsan, nariyan lang pala sa tabi. Minsan, biglaang darating na parang bulalakaw tapos kailangan mong mag-isip nang mabilis kung sasabay ka ba sa andar nito. 

Fun times with old friends. With the addition of Lorna 
the ever-critic at the reception hahaha. 
I so miss hanging out with like-minded fun queer peeps.

And everybody liked my "new" style hehe. 
Cuteness overload daw aney? Pak na pak.

Iba-iba 'yan para sa bawat isa sa atin. Kaya wala talaga tayong karapatang maghusga ng nararating ng lovelife ng bawat tao. Unless nakakasakit na ito sa kanya, at saka ka mag-intervention. Pero until then, hayaan mo silang matuto ng kailangan nilang matutunan, at hayaan na lang natin silang maramdaman ang nais nilang maramdaman. Ganun na lang.

'Yan ang tinutukoy ko sa not dreaming that hope is not over. Hope is never lost, never gone. Anuman ang naganap sa atin sa taong ito, isa lang ang lagi nating binabaon, year in and year out: HOPE. Hope that better things will come our way, hope that there will be a spark of interest that might lead to greater things, hope that things will fall into place and everything touched by chaos will be orderly again, hope that we are still alive with our hearts beating and our brains thinking, hope that blessings will continue to fall in our universe, hope that there will be a string of tomorrows to do all the things we want to do and love doing. 

Hope. Iyan ang hindi dapat nawawala sa atin. Nakatatak nga 'yan sa braso ko, eh, di ba? Kaya nananatili sa aking reminder iyan, anuman ang naganap sa taong ito. Nakahanap ako ng jowa pero hindi rin naman pala kami compatible at pinalala ito ng distansiya. Naloko ako ng isang halimaw na nagpapanggap na anghel na magmamahal sa akin pero sinaktan lang pala ako. Umalis na ako sa isang trabahong minahal ko ng lubos ng halos isang dekada dahil ayoko nang malason pa ng sistemang bulok. Iyan lang naman ang road bumps ko sa taong ito. Major major kung tutuusin, pero kinakaya pa rin naman. 

Pero mas marami at mas marangya pa pala ang papalit diyan. Na ikinakagulat ko, up to this very moment, dahil walang tigil ang pagpapadala ng universe ng reinforcements sa kampo ko. As in! Kung trabaho sa trabaho lang naman, nagkaroon ako ng maraming kapalit na consultancy, na nag-ending na nga sa isa sa pinakamasayang consultancy ko sa ngayon sa Rappler. At sa pagpasok ng taon, marami pa ring nakalinya at patuloy pa rin ang ilang nasimulang consultancy ngayong taon. Kaya wala namang kaso sa larangang iyan. 

 Cleansing the surroundings, cleansing the soul.

What you reap, you sow. Plant kindness and compassion. 
Your rewards will be ever-fruitful. I kid you not.

Sa ibang larangan naman, nagagalak ako at laging nakaalalay sa akin ang mga bago at dating kaibigan pagdating sa pag-alo sa puso at katauhan ko. Resbak kung resbak, at nakakatuwang malamang they have my back. Suwerte ko sa larangang iyan at may safety net ako ng mga confidantes who give me sage advise. I am thankful. As for the real scores, ayan, score lang ng score hahaha. I mean I always find some person here and there to while away time, to pass the time, things like that, knowing full well na all is not lost naman in that department for me. 

Maybe because of the recent experience, I am just wary and careful, especially when it comes to commitment. I'd actually like to go back to the "I don't do girlfriends" Shane shiz I had before. Well, so far, it's working! Brian Kinney mode na lang ever, for now. Maximum amount of pleasure, minimum amount of bullshit should already be tattooed on my being next. Sometimes I keep forgetting that fact. That's why I keep getting hurt. But yeah, thank goddess for my friends. I love their infinite patience and love for me. I heart them back. 

There will always be balance. 
Keep the faith, even if resolve is sometimes thinning.

So for now, we just take it easy, have some vino at queso, let the universe unravel more of what's next for me in my ever-evolving but exciting life. I can't wait to gallop in the year of the horse. I hear Pegasus coming. As I repair my wings, he lends me his. Because goodness knows I'm always meant to soar.

So let's.

May the odds be ever in all of our favors this 2014. 

WORK IT!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, YOU FABULOUS PEEPS. 
KEEP IT REAL.

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