Spring me back to life

Hindi naman sikreto sa atin na kalugmok-lugmok ang naging lagay ng mundo nitong nakaraang dalawang buwan, at ang masaklap pa nito, panahon ito ng tag-araw. Summer. Summer vacation. Summer outings. Walang nagbakasyon at siguradong walang lumabas, dahil bawal. Malas lang na natapat pa ito sa kaarawan ko, na ngayong taon ay itinakda na sa 47 ang numerong malayo pa namang buminggo. Pero hindi tayo bumibinggo sa buhay sa mga nakaraang buwang ito.

Maraming pagbabago sa larangan natin, sa buhay natin, sa parehong propesyonal at personal na bahagi. May masaya, may mainam, pero mas marami pa ring masakit at masaklap. Maraming nawalan ng trabaho, maraming hindi alam kung paano gagawin ang bagong moda ng pagtatrabaho, at may ilan ring hindi naman masyadong naapektuhan ng mga pagbabagong ito dahil tila sanay na sila sa kalakarang nilalapat sa atin sa ngayon. At marahil ay isa ako sa mga taong iyon. Medyo.

Iyong tinaguriang work from home, ako iyon. Matagal na. Mula nang huminto ako sa pagtuturo. Bago pa man din iyon, ganito na ang moda ko. Virtual worker, remote worker. Matagal na akong nagtatrabaho nang ganito. Ang kailangan ko lang ay sarili kong espasyo sa pagsusulat, sa pag-e-edit, sa pagta-translate, at kung ano-ano pang uri ng trabahong kaya kong gampanan nang hindi nakikipagharap nang deretsahan sa mga tao. Matagal nang ganito ang buhay ko. Naiiba lang paminsan-minsan kapag kinukuha akong magturo o mag-training ng iba't ibang opisina at organisasyon. Masaya naman din ang buhay na iyon, dahil nga hindi ka napipirmi sa isang lugar; dadalaw ka lang at muling aalis, uuwi. Pero dahil huminto ang kalakaran ng mundo, huminto din ang ganitong uri ng trabaho ko.

Pero di ko nga gaanong alintana. Bagkus, tila mas dumami pa nga yata ang trabaho ko at kliyente ko simula nang nagkaroon ng lockdown, anumang uri ng quarantine na ang nilapat at lumipas, narito pa rin ang mga kliyente ko. Suwerte akong nilalang sa larangang ito. 

Pero isa yata itong paraan din ng sansinukob para hindi ako masyadong malugmok sa lumbay, lalo na sa panahong ito na hindi ko maaaring magampanan ang lagi kong ginagawa sa tuwing nagkakaroon ako ng malaking pagkalugmok sa buhay, bunga ng pakikipaghiwalay sa isang kaulayaw o katipan. Alam mo 'yung sobrang tita na kantang "Downtown" na kinanta nina Angelina Jolie at Winona Ryder sa Girl, Interrupted? Theme song ng buhay ko iyon. 

When you're alone 

And life is making you lonely

You can always go 

Downtown

Kanta ito ni Petula Clark, 1964. Siguro kung dekada ka nang nagbabasa ng espasyong ito, ilang beses ko na ding nabanggit ito. Pero ngayon higit sa kailanman, mas totoo sana ang aplikasyon nito sa buhay ko. Kailangan kong lumabas, magliwaliw, aliwin ang sarili, magpagpag, mamayagpag. Ito ang paraan ko sa pagpapanatili ng katatagan ko ng kalooban, lalo na't tuwing nalulugmok ako dahil sa isang hiwalayan. 

Masama nga yata ang pagkakataong tumaon sa desisyong ito. Tinapos ko ang halos anim na taong relasyon ko bago nag-quarantine. Sadyang ganoon lang talaga ang buhay marahil, marami kang hindi magampanan at marami kang hindi matanggap, pati na rin mga bagay na hindi mabago--sa sarili mo at sa sitwasyon--kaya kailangan mong gawin ang mga nararapat mong gawin sa buhay, kahit alam mong masasaktan ka o makakasakit ka. Sa pagkakataong ito, marami naman akong babauning magagandang alaala, pero hindi lang talaga sila naging sapat para ipagpatuloy ko ang landas na tinatahak sana namin. Sa kabila ng lahat, sana ay nasa mabuti siyang kalagayan, at sana ay bumuti pa ang kalagayan nila. At iyon lang ang masasabi ko tungkol rito.

Nakakalungkot--na siguro, hindi rin, medyo--na marami din akong nakitang hiwalayan nitong panahon ng sapilitang pagkulong sa ating lahat. May isang manunulat na nagtapos ang kanyang kasal, kahit ang pagkakaalala ko ay kakakasal lang nila noong isang taon yata. Lalaki at babae ito. May isa akong kakilalang biglang nanahimik sa social media sa paninirahan niya sa ibang bansa; iyon pala, nagtapos na rin ang kasal niya sa isang kapwa lalaki rin, dahil nasa bansa silang puwedeng maganap ang ganitong unyon. May ilan din akong nabasang naputol bigla ang LDR, o ang pagli-live-in, naghiwalay ang landas na dating magkasama, na iba't ibang uri ng samahan: mga lesbiyana, nonbinary at hetero, hetero, mga bakla, marami. Tila napaligiran rin ako ng ganitong hiwalayan. Kaya siguro hindi ako masyadong sumadsad na, tulad nang dati, dahil nakakakita ako ng mga kabatak kong pareho din ang pinagdaraanan, tulad ko.

Di ko sana isusulat ito. Ayoko sanang ilabas siya. Pero ewan ko ba at bigla akong huminto sa pagtatrabaho ngayon hapon para lang maitaktak ko ito. Minsan kasi, parang masamang bara na nahihirinan ang pagkatao ko ng mga ganitong isipin at damdamin, at kinakailangan ko siyang ilabas para muli akong umusad, muling gumana. Kaya heto tayo ngayon, tumitipa.

Gusto kong magpasalamat sa mga tahimik na sumusubaybay pala sa akin nang di ko nalalaman. Natitiktikan na nilang hindi ako okay, at nagparamdam silang puwede ko silang lapitan. Akala ko ay naitatago ko ito nang mahusay, tinatawag ngang "cryptic post" ng isang kabatak na ginagawa ko daw sa Twitter. Wala namang kuwenta na sa akin ang Facebook kaya hindi ako doon naglalabas ng kung anu-ano. Pero sa Twitter, hindi ko rin pala naitatago. O sadyang malakas lang kumutob at makiramdam ang mga kakilala ko, mga kaibigang sa online lang nakilala, at mga kaibigang matagal na akong kakilala bago pa man naimbento ang social media, at mga kakilalang minsanang kainuman. May isa pa ngang frontliner na siyang pumuna kung kamusta ako, siyang doktor sa emergency room at katakot-takot na PPE ang suot sa araw-araw niyang kalagayan, siya pa talaga ang nagmensahe at nangamusta, sabay alay ng tenga at balikat kung kinakailangan daw. Touched. I am touched by such words of comfort and support. Thank you, my dear friends; your small efforts mean the world to me, and thank you for the offers and encouraging words. Truly. 

Maliban sa mga mababait na nilalang na ito na natagpuan ko at natagpuan nila ako sa mundong ito, nakakatulong pala na June Pride Month ngayon. Na nahihila-hila ako/kami sa mga usap-usapang pride sa buwang ito ay hindi na bago, pero ito pala ang mga makakapagpaalala sa akin na kinakailangan ko pang maging matatag at matibay, dahil hindi pa tapos ang laban. Sa pangkalahatan. Sa pagsasalita tungkol sa iba't ibang aspeto ng buhay-bahaghari, tila nabubuhayan ako ng loob sa ilang aspetong akala ko ay namatay na sa akin. Marami akong binabalikan ngayon na mga bagay na nabinbin at naiwanan, o sadyang isinantabi, o pilit kinalimutan, dahil sa iba ang naging lihis ng buhay ko nitong mga nakaraang taon. At may mga bago rin sanang landas na puwede pang tahakin, o puwede pa pala, mabigyan lang ng pagkakataong makausad muli.

Sa ganitong mga panahon at pagkakataon, bundok o aplaya ang katapat ng  katahimikan ng kaluluwa. Puwede na ring sine o siyudad na iba sa lugar ko. Nakakaturete na hindi ko sila mapuntahan, alinman sa mga ito. Pero kahit naman lumuwag na ang mundo, nakakatakot pa ding maglalalabas sa kung saan-saan. Hindi na muna. Gusto kong umabot sa kabaligtaran ng 47 -- 74. Kung dati ay may sarili akong taning sa buhay ko, na sinasabi kong hanggang 60 lang ako, latest expiration date bilang 65, hindi na yata ito totoo sa ngayon. Gusto ko nang lubusin kung hanggang saan ako puwedeng umabot. Ang nanay kong matibay nasa 75 na, bingo na, pero wala pa ring nakakatinag sa kanya. Mukhang ako rin ganito ang magaganap, aabot sa bingo bago mag-blackout. 

Kaya sige lang. Kung anuman ang kaharap pa, at kakaharapin pa, tataya at tataya pa rin naman. Hindi naman na bago iyon, dahil ito na ang naging kalakaran ko sa buhay dati pa: ang tumaya, kahit walang katiyakan sa kalalabasan. Ang sigurado lang naman talaga tayo sa mundo ay -- walang kasiguraduhan sa mundo. Anumang uri ng galawan ang maganap at magaganap pa, uusad at uusad pa rin naman ako. Tayo. 

Kaya sige lang, lipad, isip, namnam, hinto, iyak, tawa, ngiti, usad, ramdam, lakbay, hinga, pahinga. Repeat to fade.

Salamat sa pagbabasa. 

   

The gospel according to Olivia Pope

I've been watching Scandal slowly during the last quarter of 2018, always in between work breaks (during lunch or dinner breaks actually), but I was able to fully rush it when I got a sprain mid-December, so I was able to watch the show unfold until the second to the last season. Currently on the 7th and final season, and I'm already feeling sepanx with Olivia Pope and the "gladiators in suits" gang.

Love this ensemble. Too bad some of them dropped out one by one.
Ah, showbiz. Thanks to this site for compiling these quotes.

Katukayo ko pa naman si bakla, at naaliw ako nung tumambad sa akin itong characteristic niya:

Excerpt from this site. Hay katukayo, apir!

Hahaha that is SOOOO ME mga more than five years ago or so. Nothing but popcorn and wine for meals. Which horrified a certain someone when she met me, and dropped a quote of her own saying "Popcorn is not a meal" hihihi (she actually messages to check if I ate an actual meal). Nearly five years later, ayan, sweetheart ko pa rin siya, and we're eating much more than popcorn hehe. But I digress.

I love this show because I get many stuff here that makes me go "uh-huh..." and it's well-scripted and well-acted. OA lang 'yung dialoguing minsan pero kinekeri naman nina Kerry Washington kahit papaano. Uneven ang directing pace minsan, depende yata on who's behind the cam per episode. But that's TV life, kaya keri na rin.

Rule of thumb ko ito, bakla. Ever!
Thanks to this site for compiling these quotable quotes. 

But what I like about shows that make me think are the quotes and thoughts I get from them. Bibihira lang yata ang mga ito dumating sa buhay ko, na nagiging parte ng pilosopiya ko sa buhay. Last decade, it was the Warrick Brown philosophy that stuck to me, which is narrated in full here in this post. Warrick is that dude na namatay after some seasons sa original CSI, and the nugget na na-gets kong wisdom sa kanya back then is this simplicity: "Life's too damn short."

Life is too short indeed. Thus, it became a mantra. From the late 2000s to the early 2010s, I found myself doing more courageous things, calculated risks of course, being the Taurus-Ox that I am, but still, things that those around me didn't think I can/will actually do, or things I myself didn't think na I can pull off easily -- but I did! I've been busy taking risks and going into new things, that's why I also had some lag here in my blogging life. But that's totally fine, because we don't exist online only, right? Online is life, but offline is lifer! Chos.

And this is actually the reason why some work circles
tried to ease me out during this risk-taking era.
Bibihira kasi sa kanila ang may bite. Puro bark lang sila.
Alam mo 'yung tunog lata, walang laman sa loob? Yeah, that's them.
So I just up and left. Kebs! I can do many things in my life,
but kiss ass for promotion is not in my list, ever!

Late to the Shonda Rhimes party, I've been hearing/reading about this much-hailed TV exec na showrunner ng How To Get Away With Murder. 'Yun actually ang sinimulan ko sa Netflix na nagandahan din ako sa writing and of course Viola Davis in the lead haller. Pero nauumay ako sa style ng show minsan, also the storylines, kasi to quote one of the characters there named Bonnie, "whiny millennials" ang lagi niyang katrabaho hahaha. I feel ya Bonnie, I feel ya. And then, when they crossed one season with Scandal and saw OP strut her stuff, I was like "Ito muna panonoorin ko!" Kaya ayan, hindi ko na siya mabitawan pa. Later na kita babalikan, Lola Viola, and your whiny millennial law students lol. 

Since she heads a crisis management firm, I like how the show discussed the appearance of things in face of a scandal. It's deeper than branding, and certainly deeper than PR, and I love how they call it: OPTICS.

Optics. How would a certain thing, behavior or action look like to others, to specific target audiences, to the general population? I like it that there's a deeper discussion than mere surface optics, and you get to understand how the picture you see came to be, after the machinations worked to project it. 

Optics. I have been blinded by some people's optics, organizations as well, which projected one thing or another. And during this risk-taking era, I was able to "decode the Matrix" and see what was beyond the surface as well. That's why it was also easier to trade in some hats for other hats, work-wise. 

Love matters were the same. There was actually one instance where I should have trusted my gut more, something Olivia Pope always put forward, something that she swears by. I, too, used to feel this way, act this way even, sensing my gut feel of things, and then decide on walking out or staying put. I met this girl sometime in 2013 who turned out to be a player (neng, wala actually sa hitsura niya, kaya gulantang lola mo sa big reveal!). And I just discovered that she was playing me when another jowa of hers messaged me, saying na sila na daw. And to corroborate, I talked to this girl's circle of friends, mga pinakilala niya sa akin in the flesh pa ha, and this one friend confessed na lima daw pala kami na dine-date niya at the same time! Hahaha lima, motherfucker, lima! What fucking guts this girl has, no? Kakaiba. And the optics? I actually saw early on that this was not a "pang-forever" girl, but I still went out with her and all that shiz. Buti naman at ilang buwan lang naman kami actually, then pumutok na ang scandal. Kakaloka. Five at a time, man. So those kinds of girls really do exist. I thought my bullshit radar was up and running, but she was somehow able to smokescreen it. Pero hindi naman ako bentang-benta din kasi, so I guess my BS detection reserves kicked in pa rin that time. Good going, Taurus-Ox. 

While I admire what Jake was preaching here, sometimes it takes
a "bigger man" to simply step back and walk away. In my case,
a "bigger woman." I know I am owed, but the universe repays
 in great ways. It has happened before, many times,
so I know it can happen again. save myself the agony of tragic plots.

But the very OP nugget I was able to get from this show is this: 

"Change the narrative."

This means, you can change the way people see things, perceive things, interpret the story, scrutinize the narrative at hand. When OP had a client embroiled in a scandal, there are ways of "changing the narrative" that happened. Ano ang reason why, ano ang motivation, bakit ganun ang kinalabasan, ano ang prequel? Those are the narratives that they can change, in  order to change the conversation around the scandalous event at hand. 

And that hit me, hard. Oo nga, change the narrative. Kapag may hindi magandang aspeto, kailangang ibahin mo ang pananaw mo, shift perspectives, kasi mas lilinaw sa kabilang banda kung iibahin mo rin ang pagtingin mo sa ibang bagay, at kung ire-revise mo ang naratibong panghahawakan mo sa buhay. It's a reinterpretation actually of a motto I put in my first and only photo blog, now defunct, where I said "When life's a blur, refocus." This time, when you refocus, the picture gets clearer, but you can also change the picture altogether, and see something better. So in a way, yes, it's a bit deeper, and more insightful. And it works better for me.

Lahat kasi tayo, may dinadalang maraming kuwento sa buhay. Iba-iba ang subplot na dala-dala natin sa maraming sektor ng buhay natin. Merong nakakainis na kuwento sa trabaho, sa mga katrabaho, mga hudas na boss, mga katrabahong kailangan mong pagpasensiyahan. Sa bahay, ganun din, lalo na diyan, kasi book 1-book 2 etc etc ang mga naratibong minsan eh nagsimula bago ka pa ipanganak pero nadadamay ka unnecessarily sa mga dramarama ng ibang karakter sa buhay. Sa buhay pag-ibig ganun din siyempre, kasi may mga kuwento kayong pinanghahawakan nang magkasama, nang indibidwal, at iba pa. 

Kaya allergic din tayo sa stupid people and stupid things.
Stupid stories mostly. Stupid people with stupid stories take the cake.

Kuwento. Maraming kuwento sa buhay, sa bahay, sa labas, sa loob mo. Dala nating lahat ito. Kahit mag-self-evaluate tayo every year at sabihin nating "travel light" at ihahagis natin ang ilang emotional baggage na hindi na kailangan sa buhay, minsan naiiwan ang ilang hibla ng naratibo nito sa utak at puso natin. Paano nga ba alisin iyon?

And that's where OP comes in. Wala, stuck tayo, hindi natin maalis ang mga naratibong ito, ga-hibla man o ga-bungkos ang dami, andiyan sila talaga. Pero puwede mong ibahin ang tingin mo sa naratibo, ibahin mo ang ilang plot points, at puwede mong i-rehash ang ibang karakter. Change the narrative. Ibahin mo lang, kahit konti, ang plotting at blocking, at baka mas mapaayos mo ang problematic story na dala mo lang lagi, o nakikita. Who knows, baka gumaan pa ito, o maging parte ng bagong naratibong mas maganda ang structure, ang delivery, ang characterization, lahat. Nasa sa pagtingin mo ang pinagkaiba. Doon lang nakasalalay ang pagpapagaan mo ng sariling loob mo. Change the narrative. Change the damn narrative.

Goddesses know I carry a lot of narratives right now in my life, some I thought I already closed the chapter and shelved, some keep on rewriting themselves and thus surprising me still. Kuwento. Ano bang kuwento ang gusto kong dalhin pa sa buhay, sa susunod na taon, dekada, parte ng buhay ko? Ano bang kuwento ang gusto kong magtapos na? Ano ang mga gusto ko pang i-rewrite nang i-rewrite hanggang maging publishable na? The first order of business is selecting, the second is deciding. I don't really care right now about my optics, how people see me and my life. At 45, I've passed the point of no return when it comes to giving zero fucks about what people think of me. My work, my work ethics, and my professionalism all speak for themselves. I don't need to hard-sell that. I don't. At this point, I know what I'm worth, and I also know how to balance that worth to do worthy causes of work. It always has to be worthy. Alam ko hindi ko ikayayaman iyon, na inuuna ko ang work na dapat ay may worth. But that is my core, I think, saka nakakabalanse naman ako sa ibang paraan when it comes to monetary compensation. And I've already made peace with that within myself. 

Preach! My professionalism has principles, what can I say. Take it or leave it.

Perhaps a bigger strand of learning here also has to be about how people change their narratives and how the changes affect you. It's inevitable. If you revise, they can also revise. Nariyang may mga kakilala ka, kaibigan even, na umuusad sa ibang direksyon papalayo sa iyo, and that should be okay. Nariyang may mga get-togethers ng mga dati mong kasamahan sa kung saan na hindi ka naiimbita, and that should be fine. May mga proyektong kasama ka sa simula pero iniwanan ka na lang nila o kaya'y kinuha na lang 'yung kontribusyon mo tapos nilaglag ka na, and that should be fine pa rin, kahit nakakainis, but it speaks more about their professionalism (or lack of it) than yours, di ba? Ganun na nga.

Talagang ganun. It's inevitable that you also get rewritten out of other people's narratives, much like how you are rewriting them out of yours. And that should be fine, too. As I near my golden decade, I think it's a new life project to be unlocked: fine-tuning. You whittle down the parts you don't need, polish the parts that need polishing, and dust off what needs to be dusted off. Fine-tuning. It goes hand-in-hand with changing the narrative. And it's the operationalization of the process we call upgrading. Life upgrading. And that is always okay.

Note to self. Since 1995.

My twenties was all about "carpe diem"-ing things. Seize the day! (Shades of Dead Poets Society, I know.) My thirties was more like "No excuses, no apologies" (Hello Brian Kinney fans out there! Thank you QAF.) in tandem with that Warrick Brown philosophy of "Life's too damn short." And now, I think my forties is all about this: "Change the narrative." I am so pop cultured like that heheh. 

But such is life. This life. My life. And I appreciate how it has unfolded, so far. Now, looking forward to how it will still unravel. And maybe we'll discover another nugget na mage-gets natin mula sa iba pang produkto ng kulturang popular. In the meantime, let's just bring out some of that popcorn and red wine, please. 

Cheers, life! Thanks to Buzzfeed for this gif.

Ilang oras na lang, putukan na naman. Goodbye 2018 Hello 2019 ang peg. Ang bilis. Pero okay na rin, na ganito na kumakaripas ang oras, para mas madaling maalpasan ang kailangan nang malagpasan, para din marating na ang mga lugar na kailangan pang puntahan -- sa labas ng bahay mo, at sa loob ng buhay mo. Ikasa na 'yan, beks. Game!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, WORLD! OVER AND OUT -- AND PROUD.

What is it with beautiful boys and the beyond?

Sometimes, I hate hanging out at my office at the university, especially when the sun decides to give way to the moon, and I am still there to witness the transition.

Comme ca.

[September 2012 at the University of the Philippines Film Institute]

This is because sometimes, I still remember this boy who once climbed the side roof illegally to claim the frisbee that he and his friends were playing with, which happened to land right outside my window. Yes, climb, because my office is on the second floor of our film school building. And as I was staring out the window, he startled me when his head popped outside my window, sheepishly grinning at me at the knowledge of his illegal activity, but he knew that I will just smile back startled and shrug it off. And I did.

And this boy, he was a brilliant talent. During the time I started teaching, the institute also gave me a job as an academic coordinator, so I had close contact with the kids. More than a professor, perhaps the kids also saw me as a friend. When his best friend was in trouble, he ran to me for help and we tried to solve it. When it was his turn to be in trouble, somewhat, his best friend ran to me for help as well. And more than a professor, I helped them as a friend. Gaining their trust, he sometimes comes to me all excited, wanting me to see his extra-curricular film projects he created for the sake of creating images in film, just for the pure love of. And I was flattered that he valued my opinion and asked what I thought of these extra projects of his. They were all good, but I didn't give him all that. I wanted to teach him humility as well, so I encouraged him but did not praise him to high heavens. Because these kids -- like my generation before when we were also studying there decades ago -- they had the tendency to develop their egos first before their talents. Needless to say, this boy had a balance of both. All of these things sometimes makes me feel that it was worth it to give up my life outside the academe and focus on life inside the academe. If only for moments like these, you know. If only.

But still, this boy, we also officially helped him achieve the steps that led to his dreams -- the dream to be a good imagemaker, because he has a good eye, a promising young cinematographer in the making. An exchange scholarship abroad, a slot in a master class, we tried helping him. But sometimes, we figured that he also should try to help himself. But such is life, I guess.

Has a good eye. I should have said had. He had a good eye. Because he is not here with us anymore. Very early, he chose to go to the great beyond, where the films he planned to shoot we will not have the privilege to see anymore. One boy who went early towards the beyond. For whatever reason that tormented him inside, we have no privilege of knowing. But the time and talent he showed us and shared with us, the trust and comfort he afforded me during the time we were sharing a space during a certain time, perhaps that was enough. Perhaps that was just right, even if many people around him thought otherwise. A life wasted, a life full of promise. But I don't believe anything goes to waste in this world. Maybe that short, short life of his was enough to make tangents out there that will last beyond anyone's lifetime. And maybe we don't even have to question why.

Today, as I went about my way on the interwebs, I was also reminded of another beautiful boy. Like my previous student, this young man also decided to go to the beyond earlier than what we all expected.

 

I cannot remember what was happening here 

but I remember  we were having a good time. 

That you don't forget, especially when you are 

with unforgettable queer folks. 

[early 2011 somewhere in Cubao X]

I met this young man through one of my queer friends and colleague at the university. And during our first meeting, we already hit it off. He was here as an official participant of his government to some civil society program where university grads like him got the chance to work in developing countries to focus on the advocacies they are interested in. They had a hard time deciphering his language at first but since I have this special device embedded in my being to adopt and understand accents, I had no trouble understanding his Oz speak. And since he also identified as queer, like me, we hit it off even more. 

Soon, I learned that at a young age, he started a non-profit organization in his hometown to help underprivileged kids to have access to education and stuff like that. It was too bad that his org was small and can't accommodate foreign workers (I was contemplating on applying for an opening there early this year) but he promised to pimp me to the uni circles there as he said he believed in my talent and capacity. Very flattering. He was also constantly telling me to go visit him there in Melbourne since I will fit into the queer scene there perfectly, he said, as I've voiced to him several times that I don't think I fit into the queer scene in Manila anymore, or perhaps I'm looking for more, something else. He said I will feel at home there in Melbourne. He promised to tour me around if I did go there, and I was actually trying to save up to make that happen one day. But no more. Not that I don't have money but I don't have him anymore to tour me around. Because this beautiful boy, he also decided to go to the beyond, way earlier than we all expected.

He once told me that had I been a boy, he would have slept with me. 

And I said had he been a girl, I would have slept with him as well.

 So we became good friends hahaha! So no, nothing happened between us

but he slept with some other boy and I slept with some other girl 

and we told each other about it hehe. Queering friendships indeed. 

[early 2011 somewhere in Cubao X]

And as I sit here in the middle of the coffeeshop trying to suppress my tears due to his passing, I began to wonder what is it with these beautiful boys and the beyond, particularly this move to chase it way ahead than what is expected. Why jump the gun? Is there a race to begin with? But in my almost four decades of being on this earth, somehow, I understand. Perhaps because part of me echoes the sentiments of these beautiful boys, harboring secrets inside of them that cannot be broadcast in any social network of any kind. People are strange that way, and secretive. And that has to be respected, and not judged. No, no judgments. Any good book containing any tenet of faith will tell us that we have no right to judge because it is not in our place to do so. Whether one subscribes to any of these tenets or faiths, it doesn't matter. Perhaps basic human thinking should make us feel that each of us function differently from others, even if we have similarities of some sort as well. We cannot second-guess things, we cannot jump to conclusions about things. 

And yes, to tell you the truth, I understand. Because once upon a time, I was there, where these beautiful boys were. At that edge of jumping, of chasing the beyond, earlier than expected. It was often said and studied that those who are thinking of ending it do not really announce it to the world. They just do it. Life is not always happy and some of us have a hard time adjusting. I was half a step away from doing it. I almost did. But for the life of me, I don't know what made me stop, what pulled me back. And then it was just a matter of reframing things, of how I looked at the world. Like an imagemaker who had difficulty capturing a good picture, one adjusts the tools to make the vision clearer. Like what I've often said before, when life is a blur, refocus. But it took me decades to arrive at that new tenet, and it wasn't all that easy a journey, I should say.

Queers with beers in Baguio. Great times indeed. [June 2011]

 
But still, I guess the universe still wants me to do something else, that's why I'm still here. Whatever that is, I'm not yet sure. And perhaps the universe determined that these beautiful boys only needed to be here with us to shine as good examples, super bright lights to inspire us to do more. Perhaps that is their role in the great scheme of things. They are like those stars in the sky that has already collapsed a long time ago but their shine and sparkle are still there and still visible in the night sky. They are those stars. And we have to admire the sparkle. Yes, they still shine. They still do. And that is how they will be seen. 

To my queer mate, you go gently into that good night, you hear? I know you're up there smiling at us. Don't worry. After being sad for a bit, I will look up and smile back at you. Shoot me back a star in the night sky to say hello once in a while, okay? You take care, dude. You take care. We miss you.

And stay as queer as you are, okay dude? 

[June 2011 in Baguio City]

 

Be. Vibrant.

Posted this on my FB status earlier and my Twitter as well:

"Woke up with a feeling that the future feels hopeful. Aiming for it. Have a good week ahead, folks. Life is short; be vibrant."

Indeed, it feels like it. Perhaps it's because of the tall glass of homemade iced coffee I just had, that momentary peek I got of my girlfriend on choppy Skype earlier, or perhaps the excess two hours of sleep I got today (coming from an early semi-crash last night thanks to almost half a liter of watered down supermarket mix lime mojito), or whatever else that worked prior to the second I am typing this. But indeed, life feels good, hopeful and somewhat sunny, mimicking the weather we are having right outside my window here in the eastern part of Metro Manila.

The stars are also cooperating with their thoughts. Yes, I know these are not fool-proof messages from the universe but they are still nice to look at once in a while. Today's general readings said:

General Daily Horoscope Influences

What we do now has consequences in the future, and the ambitious Capricorn Moon reminds us that the most reliable way to ensure success now is to work hard until it pays off. Although the Moon symbolizes our fluctuating moods, we try to gain stability by building and reinforcing structures in our lives that don't change. Meanwhile, our assumptions are challenged today as logical Mercury aligns with evolutionary Pluto and revolutionary Uranus.

Work hard. Yes, doing that. Although sometimes it doesn't feel like it's paying off. But that's what being hopeful meant, also since I got quite a few insights yesterday from talking with my cousin. I was in our cousin's housewarming somewhere down south of Metro Manila the whole day yesterday, and it was quite a nice timing that I got to hang out with the Linsangans there in that sunny, quiet area. But that particular conversation I had with my cousin was the one that really gave me more hope that indeed, life doesn't need to be professionally stagnant. Yeah, listening, universe, listening.

And then my main sun sign Taurus had this to say:

Monday, Aug 27th, 2012 -- You may feel as if you are meeting resistance wherever you go when you would much rather be spending quality time with a close friend or partner. But others might seem emotionally cooler now as they set up roadblocks to delay your possible satisfaction. Try not to get too worked up over the stress. Instead, concentrate on the love that is in your life; celebrate the cup being half-full instead of complaining that it's half-empty.

Bull-headed, careful not to cross. Yep, check. 

Also steady and secure, therefore reliable and yes, for keeps.

 Yep, check and check. (May 2012 SM Marikina)

Yes, roadblocks. I've long identified them, where they're coming from, and why the people around me, especially those I never expected to act that way, throw these blocks along my way when, ever since I've been loyal a friend to them, all I ever did was remove blocks from their own paths in order for them to move on smoothly. But I guess that's over now. And last Saturday was full of moments that tested me to be stronger inside to mentally hurdle those blocks. Indeed, twas a success. And I could move on. And yes, the focus is on love these days, these weeks, these past few months. Love. It fuels me to move towards newer destinations. And I am liking the journey so far. I just hope she is, too.  
 
And then, ever since my astrologer-artist-prof friend laid out that I have another moon sign ascending eklat churvaloo (forgot what it's called) and that I should also check that out, I always check it na rin as well. Mine's Cancer pala. And my superfriend M actually wasn't surprised to learn of this as she said she sees Cancer traits in me pala, kasi pareho kami ng sister niya. So here's what Cancer said naman:

Monday, Aug 27th, 2012 -- Your emotional neediness could prevent you from finding happiness now, for it is not likely that others will meet your expectations. This is not as bad as it might sound since the real lesson here is about learning what you can give yourself. Use your time wisely to clearly define what you want from a relationship. If you are already in a close partnership of any kind, you may need to back off a bit to allow everyone involved more breathing room.

So this is where the fiercely loyal trait comes from pala. 

Aside from being nurturing and wanting to be nurtured. 

Okay, noted. (August 2011 somewhere in GenSan City)

Breathing room. A friend of hers advised me to give her that. Cancers tend to love fiercely pala, and sometimes that turns to smothering na pala. I don't want my nurturing to be smothering. After all, they say too much of a good thing is bad. I wonder if that is also advisable in love. Is there such a thing as being too sweet or loving too much? Hm, I don't know. But still, regardless of the advise, I will continue to give the kind of affection that I know, supply her with the kind of loving I know. But of course, being tempered to assess the new being being addressed, one should also be careful. Like the reading said, breathing room. We always take life one day at a time, like it says there in my blog motto. That, too, is applicable with love. And other things in life as well. 

The two readings have always been insightful to me, especially coming from this site I've been subscribed to for almost a decade na yata. It's cool. And nice to read naman. And it gives me a few thoughts to ponder on as I go about my day or as I assess my day at the end of it. And comparing these readings with what's happening in my life recently as well, well, they check out pretty well. Yes, sometimes I do think too much. But sometimes, you know, when I think, a lot of emotions also go with that activity. It's just that sometimes, it takes a brave soul to decipher that out, and an even braver one to accept it as such.

I'm glad that I'm surrounded with brave souls in my life right now. They may not be ever-present physically here, or may be located in different parts of the country and the world, but they are still there, and it's comforting to realize that. And for some of them to give me new things to ponder on, showing me that there are indeed many more roads to choose from other than the path I've been traversing of late, then it makes me really hopeful that there is life beyond where I am now. And I thank the universe for giving me all these clues, all these conversations, all these moments, all these feelings, and of course all these people.

So yes, life is short. Let's be vibrant.
 

And smile while traveling with the sun. 

(August 2012 somewhere in Paranaque)

You're so vain...

You probably think this post is about you... but wait Carly Simon, it is about me. Indeed hehe. 

Joke. Just wanted to share with you Outrage Magazine's feature on me. I was flattered to get an email from its editor and they interviewed me for it via email. Outrage has been out there for a while and I am glad that it exists.

Of course being who I am, I had tons of things to say that cannot be contained in one online section alone. So I decided to paste here our entire conversation via email, and highlighted my favorite part/s that they edited out in the final feature. Especially about that inspiration bit hehe. :)

Have fun. Live and learn, everyone. Plus, love. Yes, the verb.

    • When did you start becoming an LGBT advocate?

I guess before I labeled myself as an LGBTQ advocate, I was a women's rights advocate first. It's because growing up, I witnessed inequalities in my living spheres which were not giving justice to being a woman in Philippine society. Be it in school, the church, even in my own family, I see this gender imbalance. In the process, I didn't even know the definition of a feminist but I was already being a feminist at that time pala. This label I carried all throughout my life until I discovered that I prefer women than men before I turned 24. This was when the concept of lesbian-feminism was introduced to me. I guess it's not a far cry from what I have observed growing up as a feminist. Only this time, another layer was added to the feminist struggle: that of being a lesbian. In essence, you really don't just *become* an advocate of any sort unless you make it a point in your life to fight the social injustices and inequalities you see/ hear/ experience in your life and in the lives of others, even in a very simple manner, such as trying to educate people about gender inequalities or standing up to a person with macho thinking, things like that. Advocacy doesn't have to be grand, or grandstanding.

    • Who/What triggered you to be an LGBT advocate?

The same thing that triggered me to be a women's rights advocate: when I saw and felt social injustices for myself, this time because I identified as a woman-loving-woman already. Now the key word in that phrase is "love" but narrow-minded people just equate this love with just sex/lust, with abnormality, and with hate. And when I saw that many women like me were experiencing the same thing, I thought something should be done in order to correct these misconceptions and lies. I got particularly inspired when I saw organized groups of women -- not just your stereotypical stone butch type of women -- organize because they were lesbians. I met lesbians who were mothers, who were professors, who looked like your average girl next door. I saw that when I was introduced to the Baguio-based org Lesbond in 1997. And the same year, during the Manila June Pride March, I met and saw other groupings based in Manila. And then in 1998, there was this Asian Lesbian Networking Conference in QC where I saw other Asians and westerners of Asian descent who were lesbians. I realized that I am in good company, and that there's more to being a lesbian than just "merely" being with a woman. I learned issues, concerns, and human rights being denied us. I guess those events culminated into my becoming an advocate.

But there are different approaches to doing advocacy work. I am not like the usual hardcore (usually fulltime) advocate/activist out there. I try to do my advocacy directly in the work that I do, or integrate it in the arts I am involved in. For example, I think the biggest challenge still lies with how people are being misinformed about queers because of the way we are depicted/ represented in media. My being a queer advocate goes hand in hand with my being a media advocate. We should still do something in this sphere because media's far-reaching effect is undeniable. So whenever I work on TV or in print, I try to incorporate that kind of awareness either directly or indirectly depending on the medium. (We even tried to come out with the very first LGBT lifestyle glossy magazine before; these efforts are right up my alley. See this: http://leaflens.blogspot.com/2012/06/pride-on-pride-one.html )

And if that doesn't fly sometimes, that's the reason why I still keep a blog (the original leaflens at blogspot, up since 2005 but started way back in 2002 pa). Some exes in the past castigated me for being so out in the open in my blog. But what if, in a random search, some lesbian who feels lonely and who is looking for others like her to connect with find linkages through my blog? What if, in my random writings about lesbian lives, they also get encouraged to face their own lesbian life? You know, small stories could matter like that. And I have gotten many emails in the past from lesbians who tell me these things, like how my "simple blogging" over the years have affected them in some manner. Sometimes they even write to me for advice about their situations, usually about love, of course. Some readers I even met and became my friends eventually.

This is why I write the stories I write -- to be read by people who may have use for them, who may find something of value in my thoughts, who could use these thoughts and elevate them to better thoughts for their own good. Whatever helps.
 

    • What are the key issues you believe we should focus on in the LGBT community in the Philippines?

There are still a lot of issues we have to face but I think what we need to sort out first is how we work with each other, and how we will engage those within the LGBTQ community but who are outside the advocacy circles. There are more people outside than inside, and that has to be addressed. Sometimes there is some kind of inner discrimination happening here, an advocate/non-advocate divide, and advocates just tend to stay within their side of this line. We shouldn't be exclusionary like that because we're all in this together.

How will we reach everyone? Of course that's a challenge. That's why I think it's crucial to kind of segment our efforts first and then come together later on in a clearer forum/arena maybe where we can intersect our issues to achieve a common goal. For instance, there's a pressing need to address the HIV situation but in the gay/msm community first perhaps, and then bringing this campaign to a wider audience. I've seen that happen in a previous/ongoing campaign (is it called the Red Whistle? That could be a start). And then the lesbians also have to face certain issues within their sphere, for instance the problem of poorer lesbians who get discriminated in their jobs or workplace because they are lesbian. Upper class lesbians don't have this job security problem, but they still have their own issues, especially about coming out to their families and in the workplace as well. How could we help each other? The transwomen are a good example of how they are working within their own sphere in order to make some changes, and then translating that to a larger context by applying it to the larger LGBTQ community. Things like that.

But I think what's more effective is if we get the law on our side as well. Too many queers have been hurt by existing laws that harm us, or some laws are bent in order to harm us. Like those vagrancy laws they use to extort money from gay men, and also the absence of laws that recognize us as legal partners, or even as common-law partners. We should at least have that. Like when partners end up not having visitation rights when their partners get sick, just because they're not recognized by the law as an entity, that really irks me. Simple things like that should be addressed. This is why I think there should be some kind of anti-discrimination law, to protect us in social spheres, and to guarantee the practice of the rights denied us. We should really work on this ADB being passed; let's look beyond color/ political lines. Let's look at lives. Queer lives. Our lives. That's more important than politicking, di ba?

    • What disappoints you in the local LGBT community?

In general, I am sometimes disappointed at the lack of awareness of even just the gender-specific issues of certain sectors in the local LGBTQ community, but I know I shouldn't be. We shouldn't be outright judgmental in that manner because we also have to understand that each sector within the community has their own specific strategies for survival in a patriarchal, homophobic society such as ours. But if their lack of awareness already borders on hurting others, then that's where I draw the line. For example, there are lesbians who are victims of domestic abuse by their girlfriends. Isn't it basic human knowledge that we should love our partners and not beat them up to to a pulp, just because we sometimes feel that we need to be 'macho" or whatever. Or if there are "papogi" or pa-macho lesbians out there who will try to steal another person's girlfriend just to show/prove that they can, just to add to their so-called pogi points? Things like that irritate me.

As far as LGBTQ advocacy in the community goes, there are also major disappointments. I think we have to focus more on being issue-based rather than personality-based. Sometimes we are forgetting that we are fighting for a common cause and that it doesn't matter whoever gets shoved in the limelight. But the light blinds some of us, and therefore we often think that we should always be in it. Visibility is really great, especially with what's happening now in traditional media and new media technologies, but there should also be advocacy in this visibility we carry. There's a difference between being a public figure and being a celebrity.
 

    • What inspires you in the LGBT community? Why so?

I get inspired by the new people I meet, those who have just come out to themselves and are searching for their queer niche in the world. Sometimes they are curious and they ask questions. That is why I entertain some who come up to me or email me or read and comment on my blog or Twitter about queer stuff. This means people are willing to discover more and learn, and I am always for that, for education and learning. There are also those who want to start projects or are starting projects, and I also encourage that as well. Whatever helps raise our image is cool.

I also get inspired by those who have been there in the advocacy circles for ages yet they are still not tired to entertain the new ones. Like I said, we need to help each other because this is all our fight, "young" or "old."

    • What achievements are you specifically most proud of?

Achievements that I have garnered? Well, when it comes to my arts and work, I am most proud of recognition given by peers and esteemed individuals/ organizations/ institutions in the fields I am involved in. Just recently, my alma mater UP honored me with a UP Artist II award to recognize my body of work in the last 5 years which involves my directing/scriptwriting work for TV, my handful of short films/ documentaries and literary publications. To be honored this way as a UP faculty and a media/arts practitioner is something that elates me to this day. It means my life work is being recognized and I appreciate that very much. The same goes for my earliest award as well, my two Palanca Awards for literature. That somewhat validates that I am indeed an effective writer and I am happy with that kind of validation.

But this kind of recognition takes things to a higher level whenever the recognized work of mine is queer-oriented. An example of this is when my lesbian-themed screenplay was cited for an honorable mention in a national scriptwriting competition before. That somewhat validates the advocacy, that it's okay to write a film about lesbian lives. The same goes for my stories that get picked up for publication in book anthologies. I am happy whenever a story about the lives of women-loving-women get featured this way; this shows more visibility, and also educates others about us, about how we are. Hopefully, such exposures will lead to the eradication of discriminatory views against us. This is why I do the things I do, write the things I write.

But in terms of life in general, my achievement has always been simpler, I guess. I am a happy camper whenever I find a like-minded individual who shares life with me as a friend, a kindred spirit, and a lover. Sometimes it's rare to find all of that in one human being so it's quite an achievement if you bump into one of those in this lifetime. Luckily, right now, the universe paired me with such an individual and that makes me a very happy human. The real test of achievement is making it work. So far, so good.

    • How would you want for the LGBT community to know, and remember you?

Wow, existential. Hm I'm not sure. I think however they see me is up to them. But it wouldn't hurt if I am remembered as that queer woman writer who writes about women-loving-women in literature, online, and in blogs. And that queer professor who also tries to inculcate proper queer awareness in the university where she circulates.

Or if that's too much to ask, puwede na rin to be remembered as "that age-defying cute queer" hahaha! Chos! Shucks bahala na sila teh! Kebs. Basta happy-happy lang. Keri na anumang kembot. :)

    • Future plans as far as LGBT advocacy is concerned?

To just continue doing what I'm doing --  write stories and essays about queer women's lives. To continue what I've been doing in the past years. To keep my blog going. To still try to work within the realms of media in order to have a better representation of queers.

To just be. And to be there. //

I talk too much, 'no? Hehe. Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment.

Why do we weep?

 I know thee not, old man.
 - from Shakespeare's Henry IV part 2 Act 5 Scene 5


Tell me young folk, why oh why do you weep?

I sometimes weep for sane reasons. I also weep when reasons are insane.

I weep for the loss of humanity in others, when they know not what their actions do to the rest of their kin, their constituents, their governed. 

I weep for the loss of my own humanity when I realize that interacting with other humans make me lose sight of what it is to be human sometimes, especially when I interact with those who have no inkling of what it is to be truly humane. 

Yet I also weep for the gain of knowledge, the realization of a truth, the ascension of a thought long buried, only now (re)surfacing. 

I weep for the attainment of a feeling that makes me human again, making me sensitive to the world, to what makes it evolve, making me overcome those that pull me down to devolve with them.

We weep for any loss, any gain. We always weep. That is what makes us human; because we feel. To deny one of this action is inhuman. We should not defy what is in our nature, even if it is in our nature to be defiant.


Contradictions. Ironies. They also make us weep, or at least help us cope after we weep. Yes, after.

To realize that one is loved and yet one is doubted, to be cared for yet to be scrutinized, being in between makes one weep as well. Weep for what exactly, sometimes it's unclear. Sometimes the lack of clarity also makes us weep. But what makes us weep even more is the realization that things are crystal clear, so clear that you get surprised why you never saw things this clearly before. Yes, you also weep because you saw. You realized, you saw, and you felt. Then you wept. 

We are human. We weep. So let me. It is a release. And after, we rise.

We always rise.

"Ang buhay ay economics"

Before I start my already late-starting work day today, let me just dust off a few thoughts here.

I don't know about you but for the past few months since late last year, I've been growing tired of being on Facebook. As a media advocate, I find its usefulness, sure, but I also see where it fails sometimes. In the age of social networking, sometimes we also become anti-social at times, huddled over our tiny screens in order to look at things happening not in front or beside us but just right there, in front of that tiny screen, where hundreds of "friends" are connected to you on a daily basis. Sometimes you forget that one, two, three friends just with you at that moment, in the flesh; you'd rather stay online with the hundreds that couldn't provide you a hug when you need it most in an instant, but you share your current status with them anyway.

Of course, that's the exaggerated part. I like the immediacy of things when it comes to being in touch with my relatives, mostly those who are not in this country. Our connections are strengthened online sometimes, as it is very heartwarming to be in touch with them. I love it when I could see what's happening to my one and only sibling in California or my kooky relatives somewhere else in North America. That's when social should be social -- for keeping in touch with loved ones.

I am a fan of communication. Like my old beeper(!) message said, "Make contact. If not, it's an awful waste of space." Thank you Carl Sagan and Jodie Foster for that. :)

But also, there are friends, and even relatives, that you don't really care much about, let alone be curious enough to know their daily goings-on in their lives. But you still remain connected. Once in a while, silence online is also very appreciated, and I get that. This is also why I stopped sharing my info to everyone. I made stricter posting rules and only a select could see certain select material. This is tricky especially for someone like me who juggles many kinds of networks and different kinds of people in one lifetime. There are those who might be offended if I unleash my ex-Catholic schoolgirl angst so I tone it down with my banned super-personal list. There are those closeted homophobic people who treat me as a friend but I know when they turn their backs, they still wish I could be with a man instead of being that lesbian that they know, so I put posts in my banned LGBT mode sometimes. 

Of course it's a no-brainer to self-censor posts for underage people so I made a childproofing list as well which I discussed with some of their parents, to explain to their young ones why they can't see most of my posts (and awww this is heartwarming to me, to have such kiddies wanting to connect with me that much). 

There are also touchy ex-coworkers or colleagues that added you even if, offline, they don't really socialize with you outside. What's up with that, right? I appreciate more some whom I've met online but who sincerely put out a decent conversation than those offline posers; those online peeps I keep. And of course there are those idiots who get swayed to the dark side and see me with slanted eyes now even if I didn't do anything to them, just because some Darth Vader-ish entities influenced their force. For that, I like the FB restricted feature a lot. For the rest of the populace, there's the hide button to make them vanish from my feed.

Of course there are also those people that you just block outright, or you remove totally from your network even if they added you in the beginning of your naive FB starting days. Aside from the Voldemort-ish ones with the slew of dementors, I'm talking about exes, friends of exes, girlfriend/s of exes and psycho people who think you are/were after their exes or something and all other related entities. My very first girlfriend and her partner were the very first ones who added me on FB years ago when I was a newbie. My ex, having that sense of entitlement that I will just add her, didn't send a message of hello or whatever, after all these years -- more than a decade, even -- of non-communicating (thank goodness). Her partner was the one who had the decency of sending a short note, the gesture of which I truly appreciated but not the content (After years of silence, her note contains something like: "Hi! Nice to see you here on FB. Hey, I saw the pictures of what you've been doing for the past years. Glad you turned out fine."). Turned out fine? Condescending much? She was the reason my ex and I didn't work out and why I got dumped so what's a gal gotta do? In naive FB days, one just rolled her eyes, shrugged, and clicked "add friend" and that's it. And then click "hide." And oh, smile because, upon seeing their lives, it is quite dull compared to mine heheh. So maybe that's what she meant by me "turning out fine." Life is peachy, and karma's a bitch who's on my side haha!

Sometimes I think about these things and just contemplate on making things simple: just remove undesirables, period. Fallen friendships, relationships gone sour, throw, thrash, erase. But in this day and age of social computing, it doesn't add up to simply block, erase or delete a connection in cyberspace. Not that you are very concerned with what other people will say but sometimes there are repercussions that affect other repercussions, and the lesser of two evils is to just keep them there. But still, hide them. Or reclassify in partially blocked listings like what I do.

Who's in your food chain, really? 

[At the Mind Museum in Taguig / March 2012]

I started feeling iffy about FB late last year when I was waiting for someone to connect with me there. But then again, I also found it irritating when I see other undesirables connecting with her as well, in that space. More importantly, I found it doubly irritating when I know she is online yet she doesn't make an effort of communicating with me when we both know that we are expecting her to get in touch, because the last part of our conversation was always uttered by me. Taking turns, and waiting for replies to your messages, messages that are left unanswered for hours, days, and weeks. I am a fan of communication so this kind of silence? Yeah, it bothers me. A lot.

FB used to be a space we mocked but we also fancied a bit because, whether we liked it or not, we were communicating really well in that space. Until she failed to communicate, with me, I should add. And I didn't know how to handle such silence because it deeply affected my psychological well-being at that time. I'm not so sure but maybe it still does affect me sometimes to this day. I don't know. She has long apologized about this but to take her that long, like really long, to realize that she hurt someone with this silence is something that should make me wake up and click some buttons. Delete? No, not that harsh. Removed her already from my list of close friends, people who mean so much to me that I don't mind seeing their every online move. But not hers, not anymore. I've already assigned her to the usual news feed scroll, something which I don't really check on a regular basis anymore except for the latest news, translating to me not totally knowing what's up with her on a regular basis anymore (as I also am not in the habit of checking out people's spaces and lingering there). But the times that I do chance upon her on my list, I don't know, it reminds me more of how our friendship turned a bit sour because of her silence. And I don't think I like rekindling that taste. So yes, click hide, on her.


I had two interesting conversations with good friends lately about this. One of my bffs assessed that I am not over some people I've severed ties with in the past, she says, that's why I am still affected by them. I asked her to clarify what "not yet over" meant because I certainly have no hang-ups about those past relationships anymore, meaning a severed friendship remains severed and never to be repaired, and a shattered love will happily remain shattered and not to be recycled even in cases of emergencies and such. In short, I don't feel for these people anymore yet the pain that our pasts brought upon me sometimes still make me wince upon remembering. And that's all. Because perhaps I am a sensitive person that sometimes I flashback vividly to bygone times or hurtful times upon the touch of a remembrance.  And that's my curse -- I remember things too much, vividly, because this damn brain doesn't have an off-switch. And that's just that. But my bff, she says I have to admit that I am not over these people, and she says that is that. 


But another friend clarified that analysis brightly for me. Ang buhay ay economics, Libay. Lahat kasi 'yan may silbi pa sa atin, she said. To equate everything in life as something economically useful was something new to me. But maybe not, just paraphrased. My academic theory-head friends used to discuss this thing called capital -- cultural capital, academic capital, social capital, whatever. Meaning people use certain things for certain gains, hence capital. But perhaps more clearly, people hold on to things involuntarily or voluntarily because of some economic gain they will get out of it. I asked my friend -- who is a bad-ass statistician on the side, by the way, and an astrologer hehe -- to explain in economic terms this "probably I'm not yet over my exes" thing my bff concluded. She just simply asked: What's in it for you if you still remember the pain of the past? I told her that sometimes, it makes me write things, write deeper, more heartfelt material, if I tap into the inkwell of my past hurts. And she merely shrugged: Economics. That's your creative capital. So that string you still keep that ties to them is merely for that. It doesn't mean you still love them or want them back. Kumbaga, may silbi lang kasi 'yun sa iyo. Economics nga. Life is a bunch of economics. Life is economics!

Did I say she could also become a modern-day philosopher? Hehe I love my queered friends. To death!

Ang buhay ay economics. Latest truth unraveled. [Butter Diner QC / May 2012]

So yeah, to assess this whole FB business and seeing that girl I used to have relations with, especially "seeing" her being silent, is definitely something that doesn't make me calculate for a clearer picture. I've actually seen that a long time ago, even before this year started, actually. My friends have seen it, too. Sure, like the rest, we keep them there, because in the grand scheme of things, it is more economical to just let them be. For those I can't afford anymore, severed! Already cut ties. Once in a while, I will dip into the economics of things again with her, and maybe that's what I'm doing here now. Who knows?  

My girlfriend also knows about this as she simply stated: Writer ka, e. You feel things. But also, you're more of a thinking person. You think about these things a lot. Plus she added You are a thinking person, and I am more of a feeling person. Kaya bagay tayo. We complement each other.


PAK! Need I say more? I am a lucky person to have found someone who understands, who feels, and who thinks -- and who communicates that to me. On a regular basis. FB or no FB, yes, we are connected. Indeed. And actually, to tell you the truth, aside from my relatives and close friends, she is one big reason why I am still on FB. Even if Twitter is more our thing, well, one can't have too many social networks to link with each other when you're in a long distance relationship. Whatever works, man. Whatever works.

good morning skyping [May 2012]

 

Ang buhay ay economics indeed. May silbi ang bawa't tawag, bawa't connection, bawa't text, bawa't message. Sa ngayon, ang pinaka may silbi na lang ang pinagtutuunan ko talaga. Because in the end, economics also translates to choosing your emotional baggage well. And since this year, you know I decided to travel light, but meaningfully. 

So yes, that's still the plan, Stan. As for FB, bah, yeah, hide button, U I like. But if you really want to know what I think, it will be on Twitter. :)