I was watching CSI earlier, the original with my favorite cast, and I was down on the last episode of season 9. Catching up of course, since this season played way back in 2008, and I don't update myself that much unless I'm watching the show already. This was the episode where Warrick, the cool black dude with the cool eyes, was shot because of a mole in their office and standing up to a mob guy and all that. My heart nearly stopped. Noooooo, not Warrick! Sara left already! Not him! And then I segued into the episode opening of season 10 to see what happens next, to verify if indeed he dies. Yes, alas, he dies, and gets buried. And unlike in Filipino action movies or TV drama series, I know he will not make a comeback and live for another season. He remains dead, I'm sure. And he did.
The cool cat's exit. Photo from here.
It's just funny that I find him the one to die. He was the one who said a quotable quote for me at a time of my life when I needed to hear it. It's just simple, cliche, and basically rings of such truth.
There was one season, one of the earliest, where he took a fancy at this pretty African-American girl with the nice eyes, or that actress that played alongside The L Word's Tina in her earlier dyke film The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls In Love. This girl was playing a lounge singer, one of those sultry ones, like the scene and she stepped out of those early film noir films of the 1940s -- smoky, seductive, siren, sweet. And in that episode, the girl was also a cocaine addict of sorts, or maybe a user. Warrick discovered it, and was turned off.
There was a shot there where the girl was trying to woo Warrick back to liking her, but the addiction turned him off. The girl with the pretty eyes eyed him disbelievingly, her eyes asking why he's turning his back on her, and he sighed. And thus, he said one simple truth that stuck to me until now.
"Life's too damn short..."
And he then walked away from this beauty, this situation, and this circumstance. Just like that. Even if he had this huge attraction to the girl as well. Life over beauty? Perhaps.
And now, he dies. Tragic. The one who said life is too damn short is now dead. Imagine that.
Since I saw that episode many years ago, I felt like I've always been setting aside a lot of things in my life to do other things in my life, or most notably other things in other people's lives, specifically my past girlfriends. Often, I find myself putting aside my art, my hobbies, my interests and likes in favor of theirs. That or I just have this knack of finding women who are somewhat high maintenance in terms of relationships. Why is that?
Perhaps there's a thin line between being in love and being stupid, and I tread that line maybe too often. Maybe this is also the reason why I never want to get in touch with exes once the relationship is over -- I so do not want to be reminded of the things I gave up or the things I set aside out of stupidity-slash-love when we were together.
I know I can't blame that on anyone but me. It's because I also let it happen. Even the universe is guilt-free of that. I know the things that make me function highly reflect my being born a Taurus, but I also can't really peg things on that one reason alone. But yes, it gives one a clue. Clues, to be exact, of what to sort of expect, what to sort of think of, how to sort of behave under certain circumstances. Like living life and falling in like/in love/in lust.
But I guess I let those things happen because of this Warrick Brown philosophy as well. What are the chances? What are the odds? Love--or any permutations of it--is always a gamble, from day one of engagement. You take a chance and see where it leads you. And I guess this is also why I don't throw away or throw out any possibility of any kind of probability that gets thrown my way by the universe as well, no matter what the outcome in the end. Because life's too damn short. They sang it well in the musical Rent, one of my favorites of all time:
or life is yours to miss
no other road
no other day
no day but today
No day but today. Live in the now. Like that cliche goes, eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow... what? You may die? Perhaps. And this is what Warrick proved.
If I remember it right, I heard of Warrick's "philosophy" at a time when I was stuck in a relationship longer than I should have had. There was actually another pop culture moment that I could relate to, when I was still in this situation, that actually moved me to tears and to a huge realization that I have to move on, to get out, and to actually live the life I wanted to life for myself without giving a flying fuck about what others think, especially those women who were supposed to make me feel safe, as another pop culture reference once said (see Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps). This moment was a scene from the movie The Hours when Meryl Streep's character was standing in the kitchen and just began silently sobbing in frustration of her situation and her lesbian relationship. My goddess, when I saw that film, I actually felt her frustration, I could relate to it, and yes, I cried with her, silently as well, inside the cinema.
Yes, that is how films get to me. And that is partly why I eat-live-breathe-sleep-dream films. Since my youth. I could escape to them/with them, and I could actually relate as well. Ah, pop culture. You gotta love it once, twice, or sometimes. No escape.
immersing more John Steinbeck-created pop culture
with James Dean (Steinbeck Museum april2010 salinas, california)
And as I've theorized much lately in this space for months now, I am getting this realization of how life is just really too damn short right now. With the realization that I'm not getting any younger and my earth years are starting to catch up with my earthly body, there are several adjustments to be made, and I have been doing those, with favorable results, I might add. So that's good.
Adjustments about work and studies are also making themselves visible lately. And while there are professional engagements that I've regretted, there are also those I've cherished. This year is full of those engagements, I tell you. From the most simple ones like sustaining pro bono radio shows to losing mainstream big-paying connections while maintaining alternative small-paying ones, this year has been full of such challenges that never ends. Well, bring it on, I say! No day but today, folks.
Of course perhaps the bigger or biggest challenge that always challenged me to no end has something to do with matters of the heart. Just this past couple of days, I've been chatting to no end with two old friends that I've lost touch with over the years, and I was glad to reconnect with them now. One is brokenhearted but not broken in spirit, and I so need to learn from that. Ninja training mode, yes, and I picked up a new module from that situation -- auto-logic, or the philosophy of applying logic automatically to stressful situations that get thrown your way. Well, it makes sense since this culprit was a philosophy major hehe, one with a big IQ to boot. But for the EQ, ah, that's why they approach me for advise hahaha! Kidding. I heart my baby dyke friends.
The other friend I already learned a lot from, specifically since we've been talking about her own years-long dilemma which she happily and perhaps successfully overcame like last year or so. We were actually ruminating about our own personal struggles, comparing lessons learned from love/life by the Subic beach side just last month with another friend, in between work stuff. And their realizations even fueled my own fire more into believing that life, indeed is just too damn short to waste on waiting for someone to reciprocate, to wait for someone to instigate, to wait for someone to communicate, or to just wait, period. Waiting sucks. That is why we grab the bull by the horns or as another pop culture reference popularized it in the '80s film Dead Poets Society, carpe diem. Seize the day. Why? Because life's too damn short!
And this is why I take no chances in attraction. I've never actually waited; the universe provides. Not like manna from heaven sometimes, but they just arrive. Like comets. You should just know where specifically in the sky to look. And sometimes, it's also not about looking, but feeling. When you feel, then you look up, and then you see it, grazing the night sky. And then you smile.
But of course, you also take it in stride. No rushing into it, even if the manual says grab it by the horns. Sometimes you also let it unfold. Or you just let it be. You also don't have to play by the rules, by the usual standards that make the world go round. You can also create your own rules, do your own grabbing, your style, your way. I've always believed that desire has to be reinvented. Or else, I won't be with women today, right? But I also believe that love has to be reconstructed because the usual patterns might not apply to current situations at hand. Or something to that effect. Or maybe to lessen past hurts, the present needs to be readjusted, like constantly. Yes, passion can also be realigned as well -- or at least how it functions for you. No excuses, no apologies, as my fictional gay idol Brian Kinney once said in Queer As Folk. Yes, Brian, I am living it. Hard, and soft, at the same time. Hm.
Yes, still, the bottomline of all this is simple: life's too damn short. Live life to the fullest. Never be afraid of attraction. Never settle for status quo standards of desire, and pretty please, reconstruct and jazz up love whichever way you can, whenever you can. We're entering another decade in a few days. Who ever thought we'd reach this far? No one. So we move on, flow, smile, and live.
And dance like no one's watching.
[dec2010 hagikhikan 2010 photo b vlad gonzales]