Spring me back to life

Hindi naman sikreto sa atin na kalugmok-lugmok ang naging lagay ng mundo nitong nakaraang dalawang buwan, at ang masaklap pa nito, panahon ito ng tag-araw. Summer. Summer vacation. Summer outings. Walang nagbakasyon at siguradong walang lumabas, dahil bawal. Malas lang na natapat pa ito sa kaarawan ko, na ngayong taon ay itinakda na sa 47 ang numerong malayo pa namang buminggo. Pero hindi tayo bumibinggo sa buhay sa mga nakaraang buwang ito.

Maraming pagbabago sa larangan natin, sa buhay natin, sa parehong propesyonal at personal na bahagi. May masaya, may mainam, pero mas marami pa ring masakit at masaklap. Maraming nawalan ng trabaho, maraming hindi alam kung paano gagawin ang bagong moda ng pagtatrabaho, at may ilan ring hindi naman masyadong naapektuhan ng mga pagbabagong ito dahil tila sanay na sila sa kalakarang nilalapat sa atin sa ngayon. At marahil ay isa ako sa mga taong iyon. Medyo.

Iyong tinaguriang work from home, ako iyon. Matagal na. Mula nang huminto ako sa pagtuturo. Bago pa man din iyon, ganito na ang moda ko. Virtual worker, remote worker. Matagal na akong nagtatrabaho nang ganito. Ang kailangan ko lang ay sarili kong espasyo sa pagsusulat, sa pag-e-edit, sa pagta-translate, at kung ano-ano pang uri ng trabahong kaya kong gampanan nang hindi nakikipagharap nang deretsahan sa mga tao. Matagal nang ganito ang buhay ko. Naiiba lang paminsan-minsan kapag kinukuha akong magturo o mag-training ng iba't ibang opisina at organisasyon. Masaya naman din ang buhay na iyon, dahil nga hindi ka napipirmi sa isang lugar; dadalaw ka lang at muling aalis, uuwi. Pero dahil huminto ang kalakaran ng mundo, huminto din ang ganitong uri ng trabaho ko.

Pero di ko nga gaanong alintana. Bagkus, tila mas dumami pa nga yata ang trabaho ko at kliyente ko simula nang nagkaroon ng lockdown, anumang uri ng quarantine na ang nilapat at lumipas, narito pa rin ang mga kliyente ko. Suwerte akong nilalang sa larangang ito. 

Pero isa yata itong paraan din ng sansinukob para hindi ako masyadong malugmok sa lumbay, lalo na sa panahong ito na hindi ko maaaring magampanan ang lagi kong ginagawa sa tuwing nagkakaroon ako ng malaking pagkalugmok sa buhay, bunga ng pakikipaghiwalay sa isang kaulayaw o katipan. Alam mo 'yung sobrang tita na kantang "Downtown" na kinanta nina Angelina Jolie at Winona Ryder sa Girl, Interrupted? Theme song ng buhay ko iyon. 

When you're alone 

And life is making you lonely

You can always go 

Downtown

Kanta ito ni Petula Clark, 1964. Siguro kung dekada ka nang nagbabasa ng espasyong ito, ilang beses ko na ding nabanggit ito. Pero ngayon higit sa kailanman, mas totoo sana ang aplikasyon nito sa buhay ko. Kailangan kong lumabas, magliwaliw, aliwin ang sarili, magpagpag, mamayagpag. Ito ang paraan ko sa pagpapanatili ng katatagan ko ng kalooban, lalo na't tuwing nalulugmok ako dahil sa isang hiwalayan. 

Masama nga yata ang pagkakataong tumaon sa desisyong ito. Tinapos ko ang halos anim na taong relasyon ko bago nag-quarantine. Sadyang ganoon lang talaga ang buhay marahil, marami kang hindi magampanan at marami kang hindi matanggap, pati na rin mga bagay na hindi mabago--sa sarili mo at sa sitwasyon--kaya kailangan mong gawin ang mga nararapat mong gawin sa buhay, kahit alam mong masasaktan ka o makakasakit ka. Sa pagkakataong ito, marami naman akong babauning magagandang alaala, pero hindi lang talaga sila naging sapat para ipagpatuloy ko ang landas na tinatahak sana namin. Sa kabila ng lahat, sana ay nasa mabuti siyang kalagayan, at sana ay bumuti pa ang kalagayan nila. At iyon lang ang masasabi ko tungkol rito.

Nakakalungkot--na siguro, hindi rin, medyo--na marami din akong nakitang hiwalayan nitong panahon ng sapilitang pagkulong sa ating lahat. May isang manunulat na nagtapos ang kanyang kasal, kahit ang pagkakaalala ko ay kakakasal lang nila noong isang taon yata. Lalaki at babae ito. May isa akong kakilalang biglang nanahimik sa social media sa paninirahan niya sa ibang bansa; iyon pala, nagtapos na rin ang kasal niya sa isang kapwa lalaki rin, dahil nasa bansa silang puwedeng maganap ang ganitong unyon. May ilan din akong nabasang naputol bigla ang LDR, o ang pagli-live-in, naghiwalay ang landas na dating magkasama, na iba't ibang uri ng samahan: mga lesbiyana, nonbinary at hetero, hetero, mga bakla, marami. Tila napaligiran rin ako ng ganitong hiwalayan. Kaya siguro hindi ako masyadong sumadsad na, tulad nang dati, dahil nakakakita ako ng mga kabatak kong pareho din ang pinagdaraanan, tulad ko.

Di ko sana isusulat ito. Ayoko sanang ilabas siya. Pero ewan ko ba at bigla akong huminto sa pagtatrabaho ngayon hapon para lang maitaktak ko ito. Minsan kasi, parang masamang bara na nahihirinan ang pagkatao ko ng mga ganitong isipin at damdamin, at kinakailangan ko siyang ilabas para muli akong umusad, muling gumana. Kaya heto tayo ngayon, tumitipa.

Gusto kong magpasalamat sa mga tahimik na sumusubaybay pala sa akin nang di ko nalalaman. Natitiktikan na nilang hindi ako okay, at nagparamdam silang puwede ko silang lapitan. Akala ko ay naitatago ko ito nang mahusay, tinatawag ngang "cryptic post" ng isang kabatak na ginagawa ko daw sa Twitter. Wala namang kuwenta na sa akin ang Facebook kaya hindi ako doon naglalabas ng kung anu-ano. Pero sa Twitter, hindi ko rin pala naitatago. O sadyang malakas lang kumutob at makiramdam ang mga kakilala ko, mga kaibigang sa online lang nakilala, at mga kaibigang matagal na akong kakilala bago pa man naimbento ang social media, at mga kakilalang minsanang kainuman. May isa pa ngang frontliner na siyang pumuna kung kamusta ako, siyang doktor sa emergency room at katakot-takot na PPE ang suot sa araw-araw niyang kalagayan, siya pa talaga ang nagmensahe at nangamusta, sabay alay ng tenga at balikat kung kinakailangan daw. Touched. I am touched by such words of comfort and support. Thank you, my dear friends; your small efforts mean the world to me, and thank you for the offers and encouraging words. Truly. 

Maliban sa mga mababait na nilalang na ito na natagpuan ko at natagpuan nila ako sa mundong ito, nakakatulong pala na June Pride Month ngayon. Na nahihila-hila ako/kami sa mga usap-usapang pride sa buwang ito ay hindi na bago, pero ito pala ang mga makakapagpaalala sa akin na kinakailangan ko pang maging matatag at matibay, dahil hindi pa tapos ang laban. Sa pangkalahatan. Sa pagsasalita tungkol sa iba't ibang aspeto ng buhay-bahaghari, tila nabubuhayan ako ng loob sa ilang aspetong akala ko ay namatay na sa akin. Marami akong binabalikan ngayon na mga bagay na nabinbin at naiwanan, o sadyang isinantabi, o pilit kinalimutan, dahil sa iba ang naging lihis ng buhay ko nitong mga nakaraang taon. At may mga bago rin sanang landas na puwede pang tahakin, o puwede pa pala, mabigyan lang ng pagkakataong makausad muli.

Sa ganitong mga panahon at pagkakataon, bundok o aplaya ang katapat ng  katahimikan ng kaluluwa. Puwede na ring sine o siyudad na iba sa lugar ko. Nakakaturete na hindi ko sila mapuntahan, alinman sa mga ito. Pero kahit naman lumuwag na ang mundo, nakakatakot pa ding maglalalabas sa kung saan-saan. Hindi na muna. Gusto kong umabot sa kabaligtaran ng 47 -- 74. Kung dati ay may sarili akong taning sa buhay ko, na sinasabi kong hanggang 60 lang ako, latest expiration date bilang 65, hindi na yata ito totoo sa ngayon. Gusto ko nang lubusin kung hanggang saan ako puwedeng umabot. Ang nanay kong matibay nasa 75 na, bingo na, pero wala pa ring nakakatinag sa kanya. Mukhang ako rin ganito ang magaganap, aabot sa bingo bago mag-blackout. 

Kaya sige lang. Kung anuman ang kaharap pa, at kakaharapin pa, tataya at tataya pa rin naman. Hindi naman na bago iyon, dahil ito na ang naging kalakaran ko sa buhay dati pa: ang tumaya, kahit walang katiyakan sa kalalabasan. Ang sigurado lang naman talaga tayo sa mundo ay -- walang kasiguraduhan sa mundo. Anumang uri ng galawan ang maganap at magaganap pa, uusad at uusad pa rin naman ako. Tayo. 

Kaya sige lang, lipad, isip, namnam, hinto, iyak, tawa, ngiti, usad, ramdam, lakbay, hinga, pahinga. Repeat to fade.

Salamat sa pagbabasa. 

   

Gift of the decade, gift of the century

Disyembre na, and as usual, kagagaling na naman natin sa mga obligatory family gatherings na, kahit gusto mo lang magtago sa mundo sa kapanahunang ito sa Pilipinas, napipilitan kang lumabas just the same.

And as usual, may mga maririnig ka na namang hirit na hindi mo magugustuhan sa mga gathering na ito. Sa buhay na ito, sa mga pinagdaanan ko na, sa mga naitaguyod ko na sa buhay, marami na akong kayang palampasing mga salita, nakakasakit man o hindi. At napagtanto kong depende pa rin pala ito sa topic.

Naaalala niyo pa ba nung minsang umuwi akong luhaan muna sa isang yuletide family reunion dahil sa sinabi ng tita kong homophobic? Quits na, deds na siya ngayon eh.

Ngayon naman, may isa akong hindi mapalampas: ang panlalait sa naipundar ko sa buhay.

Kung lumaki kang sanay na binibigyan ng mga magulang ng kung anu-ano, suwerte ka. Gusto mo ng Voltes V na robot? Eto, iyo na. Gusto mo ng scooter? Eto, iyo na. Gusto mo ng iba't ibang Barbie doll? Eto, iyo na. May mga pinsan akong ganito lumaki; suwerte at tusô na rin siguro ang tito kong maaga pa lang ay nakapagpayaman na ng sarili. Kaya maliliit pa lang kami ng mga pinsan ko, may ganito na silang mga luho. Samantalang ako, laki ako sa kalye, at masaya na ako sa laruan kong lutu-lutuan gamit ang isang lumang lata ng Milo na walang takip, nakapatong sa mga batu-batong may tuyot na maliliit na sanga ng puno, panggatong. Hard-boiled egg lang naman ang lulutuin naming magkakalaro sa kalye, pero abilidad ang namamayani kung paano nga ba ito maa-achieve. At tuwang-tuwa na kami kapag nakakaluto kami nang isang itlog. Minsan, patintero ang laro namin, o kaya siyato. Minsan sipa, minsan agawan base. Masaya na ang buhay kalye ko noon. Pero siyempre iba pa rin sa 10-year old self mong nakakakita ng aluminum painted Voltes V robot na libo yata ang presyo, na binabalewala lang ng pinsan kong biniyayaan nito. Nakakalat lang sa sahig, kasama ng iba pa niyang laruang binibili sa department store noong '70s at '80s.

Pero paano kung biglang nawala lahat ng karangyaang ito? Paano kung nawala ang yamang pinambibili ng mga laruan nila? Ganito ang nangyari sa tito kong iyon, na mabilis yumaman pero mabilis ding naghirap. Ang apat niyang anak, mga pinsan ko, nanibago nang biglang lumipat sa maliit na bahay, at sa isa pang mas maliit, hanggang sa hindi na kayang umupa ng bahay ng tito ko para sa kanila kaya umuwi silang lahat sa bahay ng lola ko -- kung saan din ako lumaki. At hindi na siya umalis dito hanggang namatay na. Ang tatlo sa apat na anak ay nagsipaglisan, nagkanya-kanya na nang namulat sa mundo. Ang tanging naiwan ay ang biniyayaan ng scooter na pinsan ko, na ngayon ay may sarili na ring pamilya matapos magkaanak nang maaga sa buhay. Hindi na nila naabot pa ang naabot ng tatay nila sa sariling sikap nito, dahil nga sa pinalaki silang marangya at pabaya. Pero natututo na rin siya sa buhay, kaya nakikita ko kung paano siya nagtatrabaho bilang OFW paminsan-minsan.

Itong pinsan kong ito, 'yan ang unang walang K na taong pinagtawanan ang naipundar ko sa buhay. 

"Gaano kataas 'yang condo mo?"
"Mga 10 o 12 floors lang yata, mid-rise kasi."

Ang ideya niya kasi siguro ng condo, parang 'yung mga nasa Makati unang sumipot, mga 15-20 floors pataas, mga Cityland type siguro noong mga sinaunang panahong hindi ko pa alam kung ano ang konsepto ng condo.

Kakatawa itong pinsan kong ito. May ganang pagtawanan ang naipundar kong bahay para sa sarili ko, samantalang sila ng tatay niya ay nag-squatter na lang sa bahay ng lola ko, at nagpupumilit pang manatili doon nang hindi man lang nagbabayad ng kung anong mga bayarin, tulad halimbawa ng amilyar, mga ganyan. Mga adulting stuff baga. Kakatawa, no? Kapal din. Tapos ngayong may pag-uusap na hahati-hatiin na ang property na 'yun dahil binibili ng gobyerno ang right of way, nakikisingit sa parte niya itong pinsan kong ito. Sorry kung derogatory 'yung term, pero squatter pa rin ang peg, eh. Squatter na nga, entitled pa si mokong. Kasi nga nakatikim ng buhay marangya, tapos nawalan, tapos kinailangang bumangon mag-isa. Walang ibang mahihingian. Kaya ayan.

Kanya-kanya lang tayo ng buhay siguro, pero nasa sa iyo naman din iyan kung paano mo kakanain ang kahirapang ibabato sa yo. Nasa iyo rin iyan kung paano mo isasaayos ang buhay mo sa paraang komportable ka. 

In short, if this is the hand you're dealt with, how will you play your cards right? Fold, bluff, or fight on? Get the jackpot, or none at all. Win some, lose some. 

O, sino na diyan ang nagtrabaho nang matagal
para makabili ng sariling tirahan,
taas ang kamaaaaaaay!
[Marikina 2019 at my crib mothafucka!]

Recently, another dude also told me off about my condo. Maliit daw. "Sobrang liit!" parang ganun pa ang sinabi, siyang nakikitira lang sa malaking bahay ng lola niyang nakapangalan pa rin sa lolo niya, na siyang pinag-iinitang ayusin ng tatay niya para mailipat na sa pangalan nilang magkakapatid. May balak kasi ang tatay niyang ariin ang isang lupain sa ilang ari-ariang iniwan ng lolo niya bilang ebidensiya ng pinundar nito bago pumanaw. Ang lolo nilang iyon kasi, nilayasan ang unang pamilya at nagkaroon ng panibagong pamilya sa bagong probinsiya, namili ng kung anu-anong lupain, na pinagtayuan ng iba't ibang negosyo ng lolong maabilidad bago pumanaw nga. Ang sabit lang, itong tatlong anak ng lolo niya ay hindi magkakasundo. Kaya itong tatay lang niya ngayon ang sinusubukang maging peacekeeper para maisaayos ang mga titulo sa mga ari-arian na ito.

Nakakaaliw sanang pagmasdan lang ang mga pangarap nilang pinag-uusapan eh, makikinig ka habang pinaghahati-hatian na nila ang mga ari-ariang di pa naman nila pag-aari, pinaplano na kung ilang pintuan ang ipapatayong bahay sa isang lupa para tig-iisa silang pintuang magkakapatid, mga apo na ng lolong maabilidad. Nananahimik akong naghahapunan habang nag-uusap sila nang biglang tumingin sa akin ang tatay nitong dude na may mukha ng dismaya, dahil hinding-hindi raw siya bibili ng condo. Alam nilang nakatira ako sa condo, kaya tumingin sa akin. Di daw siya bibili ng condo, tulad ko, sabi niya. Tapos sabay chuwariwap nga nitong dude niyang anak at sinabi with utterly equal disgust in his face "Ang liit-liit!"

Compared to my condo and your insecure penis, my boy, ano ang mas maliit kaya, I wonder. No need to answer; this is self-explanatory. Ask Freud.

Natawa ako kasi, tulad ng una kong pinsang walang K magsalita sa naipundar kong tirahan sa sarili ko, itong dude na ito ay wala ring naipundar na anuman sa buhay. At past 30 years of age, pinaghihimay pa ito ng nanay niya ng isda para hindi matinik. And before you ask, no, hindi siya PWD of any sort. In fact, he finished high school and college but with much challenge (kick-out blues and such). He even managed to finish law school ages ago. But he remains jobless and directionless to this day. Poor unfortunate soul. Ito 'yung classic sa Pinoy culture na sinasabi nila dati pa, may joke na ganito nung '70s pa eh. Sabi:

Speaker 1: Pare, saan ka nagtatrabaho?
Speaker 2: Sa PAL.
Speaker 3: Wow, susyal, Philippine Airlines!
Speaker 4: Hindi, PAL. PALamunin ako sa bahay. Wala akong trabaho!

At proud pa siyang PAL siya, pare. That takes the cake, really. I swear.

Biro mo, si PAL pa talaga ang may ganang pagtawanan ako sa naipundar ko no. Samantalang siya, forever ding squatter sa bahay ng lolo niya. Ni walang ambisyong magpundar ng sariling bagay o kahit na career! (Deka-dekada na siyang walang trabaho, at ni hindi niya talaga nasubukang magtrabaho sa isang opisina man lang nang tunay, na fulltime, ha, like ever!). Tapos proud na proud pa siya sa pagiging freeloader niya, na lagi siyang nakakalibre, o niyayabang niya tuwing may nanlilibre sa kanya. Ang mukha niya grabe, mukha ng isang nakaisa sa kapwa dahil nailibre siya. Yeah, that kind. You know the type. PAL.

My condo might be small, but the feeling of satisfaction
it brings me every single day is immense.
To know that you live in your own space
and you made that happen is huge.
I mean sure, it's nice to be given a car
or a house by your parents or grandparents.
But to be able to buy a car or a house by yourself is different.
Only those who did that know this feeling,
and know that the level of peace of mind one gets
from such an achievement is immensely deep
and, to a certain extent, profound. 
[Marikina 2019 at my crib mothafucka!]

These types of people talaga, those who don't have anything to show for it, sila pa talaga ang may ganang magsalita nang akala mo eh pinaghirapan nila ang mga karangyaang tinatamasa nila, ano. Nakakatawa. At nakakaasar.

Ano ba ang reaksiyon mo dapat sa ganyan? Sa loob-loob ko nun, buti nga ako, tinulungan ako ng magulang kong magsimula ng ipupundar, tapos AKO NA ANG NAGTRABAHO PARA KUMITA NG PERANG IPAMBABAYAD KO SA PINUPUNDAR KO. Kaya nga I am so damn fucking proud of myself that I can now call myself a HOMEOWNER because I was the one who made it happen. ME! Konting tulong from my parents to jumpstart it, of course, but hell yeah, ako pa rin ang nagtrabaho para mabayaran ko ito in full motherfucker! 

Kaya the nerve of some of these asshats who say things like these talaga no? Hay naku. Tita Patolera mode na naman ako, I know. But this is a sore spot for me, specially because it undermines two things: one, how my parents smartly helped me to jumpstart things (and they didn't just give it to me on a silver platter), and two, my ability to see things through until the finish line (na hindi ko kailangang manggantso o magpalibre para magkapera para makabayad ng monthly amortization for 10 years).

Ang sarap sabihin sa dude na 'yun na, "Ay sorry naman, sensya na, 1.2M-ish lang yata ang kinaya kong kitain sa hard work ko over the years kaya maliit lang na condo ang nabili ko eh sarrehhh nahiya naman ako sa iyo na hanggang ngayon nakasahod pa rin ang kamay sa mga magulang at, what, nearly 40 years of age ba? Sarreeh nangangawit kasi kamay ko kapag nakasahod lang sa magulang ko eh, kaya ginamit ko sarili kong kamay sa pagtatrabaho instead, and also para maabot ko ang tsekeng binabayad sa akin at maabot ko rin ang perang ipapalit dito ng bangko tuwing suweldo. Sarreeh iba gamit ng kamay ko eh. Pang-abot din nga pala iyan ng tikets kapag boarding sa mga PAL flights ko -- oo, yung airline, I mean, na ilang beses ko nang nasakyan sa buhay kong ito dahil sa my work sometimes takes me to places that need an airplane to reach. Sarreeh. Sensya nuh.

Motherfucker.

And to close this rant post hahaha, here's a photo of my parents and me, an obligatory shot na may pa-frame pa nung developer when the unit was turned over to us.

My proud parents with a kabado me hahaha circa 2007.
I was like "Potaaaaah paano ko babayaran ang
12k+ monthly amortization nito sa
less than 25k kong UP prof sweldoooo!"
Abilidad, thy name is Bayli.
The Force is strong on that one.
And here we are. 
[Marikina 2019 at my crib mothafucka!] 

I love my parents. They always give me enough to get a headstart, but they also know how to let me be. I love it that they check up on me once in a while kung may pera pa ko and such. Nakaalalay pa rin sila siyempre, kahit na tumanda ka na. And not because handa sila to write me a check and all that jazz, no. We're not that kind of family. Hindi naman kami mayaman, at lalong hindi kami yamanin! Lumaki silang parehong middle class, from a brood of 5-8 siblings in a fam, mga galing probinsiya din ang mga grandparents ko who made a living here in Manila na, to reach middle class status na tama lang ang lagay sa buhay, enough to have a family na hindi titirik ang mata sa gutom. We're not like those families with huge ancestral houses, or those who have hectares of lands to keep for future generations to come and all that. My Cantor lolo was a lawyer, his wife a dressmaker. My Linsangan Lola worked in BIR yata, I think, some government office while her husband died early so we didn't get to meet him at all. We're the typical Filipino middle class lang, no special connections whatsoever, legal or otherwise. 

Kaya gusto ko rin 'yung feeling na hindi ko kailangang ilagay sa pakiramdam ng perpetual na pag-aalala sa akin ang mga magulang ko. Coming from our lineage of maabilidad na mga nilalang na kayang mabuhay mag-isa at kayang maghanapbuhay period, they very well know that I can stand on my own two feet, that I know how to earn enough money to live the life I want. Kaya no matter our flaws as a family, I'm glad we have this unit. It functions, it works, no fuss, no frills.

And I guess I'll wrap up 2019 with this old cigarette slogan of yore, since it best sums up my life journey so far: YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY!

That we have, universe. That we have.

I suppose this is indeed the gift of the decade -- to have your own home. But the gift of the century is more priceless than that -- the ability to make it happen.

And indeed, we did.

Okay 2020, I think I'm ready for you. Bring it on! //

The gospel according to Olivia Pope

I've been watching Scandal slowly during the last quarter of 2018, always in between work breaks (during lunch or dinner breaks actually), but I was able to fully rush it when I got a sprain mid-December, so I was able to watch the show unfold until the second to the last season. Currently on the 7th and final season, and I'm already feeling sepanx with Olivia Pope and the "gladiators in suits" gang.

Love this ensemble. Too bad some of them dropped out one by one.
Ah, showbiz. Thanks to this site for compiling these quotes.

Katukayo ko pa naman si bakla, at naaliw ako nung tumambad sa akin itong characteristic niya:

Excerpt from this site. Hay katukayo, apir!

Hahaha that is SOOOO ME mga more than five years ago or so. Nothing but popcorn and wine for meals. Which horrified a certain someone when she met me, and dropped a quote of her own saying "Popcorn is not a meal" hihihi (she actually messages to check if I ate an actual meal). Nearly five years later, ayan, sweetheart ko pa rin siya, and we're eating much more than popcorn hehe. But I digress.

I love this show because I get many stuff here that makes me go "uh-huh..." and it's well-scripted and well-acted. OA lang 'yung dialoguing minsan pero kinekeri naman nina Kerry Washington kahit papaano. Uneven ang directing pace minsan, depende yata on who's behind the cam per episode. But that's TV life, kaya keri na rin.

Rule of thumb ko ito, bakla. Ever!
Thanks to this site for compiling these quotable quotes. 

But what I like about shows that make me think are the quotes and thoughts I get from them. Bibihira lang yata ang mga ito dumating sa buhay ko, na nagiging parte ng pilosopiya ko sa buhay. Last decade, it was the Warrick Brown philosophy that stuck to me, which is narrated in full here in this post. Warrick is that dude na namatay after some seasons sa original CSI, and the nugget na na-gets kong wisdom sa kanya back then is this simplicity: "Life's too damn short."

Life is too short indeed. Thus, it became a mantra. From the late 2000s to the early 2010s, I found myself doing more courageous things, calculated risks of course, being the Taurus-Ox that I am, but still, things that those around me didn't think I can/will actually do, or things I myself didn't think na I can pull off easily -- but I did! I've been busy taking risks and going into new things, that's why I also had some lag here in my blogging life. But that's totally fine, because we don't exist online only, right? Online is life, but offline is lifer! Chos.

And this is actually the reason why some work circles
tried to ease me out during this risk-taking era.
Bibihira kasi sa kanila ang may bite. Puro bark lang sila.
Alam mo 'yung tunog lata, walang laman sa loob? Yeah, that's them.
So I just up and left. Kebs! I can do many things in my life,
but kiss ass for promotion is not in my list, ever!

Late to the Shonda Rhimes party, I've been hearing/reading about this much-hailed TV exec na showrunner ng How To Get Away With Murder. 'Yun actually ang sinimulan ko sa Netflix na nagandahan din ako sa writing and of course Viola Davis in the lead haller. Pero nauumay ako sa style ng show minsan, also the storylines, kasi to quote one of the characters there named Bonnie, "whiny millennials" ang lagi niyang katrabaho hahaha. I feel ya Bonnie, I feel ya. And then, when they crossed one season with Scandal and saw OP strut her stuff, I was like "Ito muna panonoorin ko!" Kaya ayan, hindi ko na siya mabitawan pa. Later na kita babalikan, Lola Viola, and your whiny millennial law students lol. 

Since she heads a crisis management firm, I like how the show discussed the appearance of things in face of a scandal. It's deeper than branding, and certainly deeper than PR, and I love how they call it: OPTICS.

Optics. How would a certain thing, behavior or action look like to others, to specific target audiences, to the general population? I like it that there's a deeper discussion than mere surface optics, and you get to understand how the picture you see came to be, after the machinations worked to project it. 

Optics. I have been blinded by some people's optics, organizations as well, which projected one thing or another. And during this risk-taking era, I was able to "decode the Matrix" and see what was beyond the surface as well. That's why it was also easier to trade in some hats for other hats, work-wise. 

Love matters were the same. There was actually one instance where I should have trusted my gut more, something Olivia Pope always put forward, something that she swears by. I, too, used to feel this way, act this way even, sensing my gut feel of things, and then decide on walking out or staying put. I met this girl sometime in 2013 who turned out to be a player (neng, wala actually sa hitsura niya, kaya gulantang lola mo sa big reveal!). And I just discovered that she was playing me when another jowa of hers messaged me, saying na sila na daw. And to corroborate, I talked to this girl's circle of friends, mga pinakilala niya sa akin in the flesh pa ha, and this one friend confessed na lima daw pala kami na dine-date niya at the same time! Hahaha lima, motherfucker, lima! What fucking guts this girl has, no? Kakaiba. And the optics? I actually saw early on that this was not a "pang-forever" girl, but I still went out with her and all that shiz. Buti naman at ilang buwan lang naman kami actually, then pumutok na ang scandal. Kakaloka. Five at a time, man. So those kinds of girls really do exist. I thought my bullshit radar was up and running, but she was somehow able to smokescreen it. Pero hindi naman ako bentang-benta din kasi, so I guess my BS detection reserves kicked in pa rin that time. Good going, Taurus-Ox. 

While I admire what Jake was preaching here, sometimes it takes
a "bigger man" to simply step back and walk away. In my case,
a "bigger woman." I know I am owed, but the universe repays
 in great ways. It has happened before, many times,
so I know it can happen again. save myself the agony of tragic plots.

But the very OP nugget I was able to get from this show is this: 

"Change the narrative."

This means, you can change the way people see things, perceive things, interpret the story, scrutinize the narrative at hand. When OP had a client embroiled in a scandal, there are ways of "changing the narrative" that happened. Ano ang reason why, ano ang motivation, bakit ganun ang kinalabasan, ano ang prequel? Those are the narratives that they can change, in  order to change the conversation around the scandalous event at hand. 

And that hit me, hard. Oo nga, change the narrative. Kapag may hindi magandang aspeto, kailangang ibahin mo ang pananaw mo, shift perspectives, kasi mas lilinaw sa kabilang banda kung iibahin mo rin ang pagtingin mo sa ibang bagay, at kung ire-revise mo ang naratibong panghahawakan mo sa buhay. It's a reinterpretation actually of a motto I put in my first and only photo blog, now defunct, where I said "When life's a blur, refocus." This time, when you refocus, the picture gets clearer, but you can also change the picture altogether, and see something better. So in a way, yes, it's a bit deeper, and more insightful. And it works better for me.

Lahat kasi tayo, may dinadalang maraming kuwento sa buhay. Iba-iba ang subplot na dala-dala natin sa maraming sektor ng buhay natin. Merong nakakainis na kuwento sa trabaho, sa mga katrabaho, mga hudas na boss, mga katrabahong kailangan mong pagpasensiyahan. Sa bahay, ganun din, lalo na diyan, kasi book 1-book 2 etc etc ang mga naratibong minsan eh nagsimula bago ka pa ipanganak pero nadadamay ka unnecessarily sa mga dramarama ng ibang karakter sa buhay. Sa buhay pag-ibig ganun din siyempre, kasi may mga kuwento kayong pinanghahawakan nang magkasama, nang indibidwal, at iba pa. 

Kaya allergic din tayo sa stupid people and stupid things.
Stupid stories mostly. Stupid people with stupid stories take the cake.

Kuwento. Maraming kuwento sa buhay, sa bahay, sa labas, sa loob mo. Dala nating lahat ito. Kahit mag-self-evaluate tayo every year at sabihin nating "travel light" at ihahagis natin ang ilang emotional baggage na hindi na kailangan sa buhay, minsan naiiwan ang ilang hibla ng naratibo nito sa utak at puso natin. Paano nga ba alisin iyon?

And that's where OP comes in. Wala, stuck tayo, hindi natin maalis ang mga naratibong ito, ga-hibla man o ga-bungkos ang dami, andiyan sila talaga. Pero puwede mong ibahin ang tingin mo sa naratibo, ibahin mo ang ilang plot points, at puwede mong i-rehash ang ibang karakter. Change the narrative. Ibahin mo lang, kahit konti, ang plotting at blocking, at baka mas mapaayos mo ang problematic story na dala mo lang lagi, o nakikita. Who knows, baka gumaan pa ito, o maging parte ng bagong naratibong mas maganda ang structure, ang delivery, ang characterization, lahat. Nasa sa pagtingin mo ang pinagkaiba. Doon lang nakasalalay ang pagpapagaan mo ng sariling loob mo. Change the narrative. Change the damn narrative.

Goddesses know I carry a lot of narratives right now in my life, some I thought I already closed the chapter and shelved, some keep on rewriting themselves and thus surprising me still. Kuwento. Ano bang kuwento ang gusto kong dalhin pa sa buhay, sa susunod na taon, dekada, parte ng buhay ko? Ano bang kuwento ang gusto kong magtapos na? Ano ang mga gusto ko pang i-rewrite nang i-rewrite hanggang maging publishable na? The first order of business is selecting, the second is deciding. I don't really care right now about my optics, how people see me and my life. At 45, I've passed the point of no return when it comes to giving zero fucks about what people think of me. My work, my work ethics, and my professionalism all speak for themselves. I don't need to hard-sell that. I don't. At this point, I know what I'm worth, and I also know how to balance that worth to do worthy causes of work. It always has to be worthy. Alam ko hindi ko ikayayaman iyon, na inuuna ko ang work na dapat ay may worth. But that is my core, I think, saka nakakabalanse naman ako sa ibang paraan when it comes to monetary compensation. And I've already made peace with that within myself. 

Preach! My professionalism has principles, what can I say. Take it or leave it.

Perhaps a bigger strand of learning here also has to be about how people change their narratives and how the changes affect you. It's inevitable. If you revise, they can also revise. Nariyang may mga kakilala ka, kaibigan even, na umuusad sa ibang direksyon papalayo sa iyo, and that should be okay. Nariyang may mga get-togethers ng mga dati mong kasamahan sa kung saan na hindi ka naiimbita, and that should be fine. May mga proyektong kasama ka sa simula pero iniwanan ka na lang nila o kaya'y kinuha na lang 'yung kontribusyon mo tapos nilaglag ka na, and that should be fine pa rin, kahit nakakainis, but it speaks more about their professionalism (or lack of it) than yours, di ba? Ganun na nga.

Talagang ganun. It's inevitable that you also get rewritten out of other people's narratives, much like how you are rewriting them out of yours. And that should be fine, too. As I near my golden decade, I think it's a new life project to be unlocked: fine-tuning. You whittle down the parts you don't need, polish the parts that need polishing, and dust off what needs to be dusted off. Fine-tuning. It goes hand-in-hand with changing the narrative. And it's the operationalization of the process we call upgrading. Life upgrading. And that is always okay.

Note to self. Since 1995.

My twenties was all about "carpe diem"-ing things. Seize the day! (Shades of Dead Poets Society, I know.) My thirties was more like "No excuses, no apologies" (Hello Brian Kinney fans out there! Thank you QAF.) in tandem with that Warrick Brown philosophy of "Life's too damn short." And now, I think my forties is all about this: "Change the narrative." I am so pop cultured like that heheh. 

But such is life. This life. My life. And I appreciate how it has unfolded, so far. Now, looking forward to how it will still unravel. And maybe we'll discover another nugget na mage-gets natin mula sa iba pang produkto ng kulturang popular. In the meantime, let's just bring out some of that popcorn and red wine, please. 

Cheers, life! Thanks to Buzzfeed for this gif.

Ilang oras na lang, putukan na naman. Goodbye 2018 Hello 2019 ang peg. Ang bilis. Pero okay na rin, na ganito na kumakaripas ang oras, para mas madaling maalpasan ang kailangan nang malagpasan, para din marating na ang mga lugar na kailangan pang puntahan -- sa labas ng bahay mo, at sa loob ng buhay mo. Ikasa na 'yan, beks. Game!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, WORLD! OVER AND OUT -- AND PROUD.

Homeowner, and a tale of lived beings

Hello. Are you still there? I'm coming back to say -- I still am.

Life has always gotten in the way of many things, we like to say, as humans. But then, I realized that, to be human, a living one, one needs to live a life. For us writers, we need to live life to write about life. And we need to have a life, in order to be able to write.

Confused? Don't be. Sometimes the most convoluted thoughts contain the simplest of truths. You just have to be more aware to figure it out. 

That's how life is, I suppose. A string of truths, hiding in plain sight, but we tend to overlook them, since there are so many distractions, preoccupations, and other things necessary or otherwise.

As a writer, one is also preoccupied with uncovering such truths, or creating to contribute to certain ones out there. But that kind of pursuit is sometimes halted by other things that need more attention at the moment, foremost of which is, as always, making money.

I've made a good deal of my own lately, actually, to the point that I was able to pay off my condo home loan ahead of time. Yes, that also happened: adulting, to the max. In fact, my 15 years-to-pay deal ended this week, after a whopping 10 years. Pucha, biro mo mehn, titulado na ko! I now have property to my name. When I used to teach in UP, I always got a bit sad come SALN-filling time, because I don't really have any assets to declare in that column, but in the liabilities column, there it always was: home loan condo. Well, no more na this year! Thanks to my parents who also had a hand in funding some of the amount that we always had recalculated whenever they had some windfall amount at hand, and also to my own windfall of rakets here and there, we were able to close the loan and the bank handed me my land title this week. 

So yeah, this week, let me add one more title to my list: homeowner. 

Titulado na lola mo, something better than a PhD methinks.

Nakakaloka. After ten years, kaya pala. To think that I "wasted" all those years in Quezon City, renting apartment after apartment, ranging from 8-10k a month, siguro dalawa na ang condo ko ngayon. Pero hindi ko rin naman magagawa ito noon, of course. I started living on my own independently, and like all early independents do, hikahos lang ang simula. I even had roommates in one house, so that we can all share the rent, bilang mga newbie independents kami. 

January 2008, ilang buwan pa lang mula nung turnover.
May sakit ako nito, pero nakakaginhawa sa
utak at kaluluwa na may tanawin akong ganito,
habang nagpapagaling. 

Pero hindi ko rin siguro ipagpapalit ang mga experiences ko na yun sa pagre-rent sa iba't ibang apartment, kasi they also had a hand in forming my character, and sharpening my being. Hindi rin naman kasi traumatic ang ibang moves na iyon, at ang iba pa nga ay looking forward pa ako sa move. Let me tell you some of them in a handful of nutshells:

Move 1: House to jowa's place

I was already working in a film production company in Ortigas when I wanted to move out of our Marikina house already. My father and I didn't get along so well sometimes, and also I felt that it's really time I had a "room of my own." We were in a 2-bedroom bungalow, the best my parents can afford as working middle class professionals back in the '80s, and they're still there now. I made working in Ortigas as a viable excuse for me to move out, but finding a girlfriend who was living in a 3-bedroom house made the move easier. Her mom's relatives owned the house, and she was looking after it, with the 2 other bedrooms leased out to 2 other women as tenants. I went to live with her in the 3rd bedroom, and it lasted for less than a year before we broke up. But after we broke up, the two tenants also ended their lease, and she had to move to Baguio to finish her law degree there. I took over her room as a tenant, and asked two of my close college barkada to rent the other rooms. And that was where our ConCon barkada was born -- in that halfway house in Naranghita.

The late '90s was a hoot. Our film barkada was still intact then.

Some of the housemates I had, and our frequent visitors.
All UP film college barkada, circa 1998.

Instaparty kapag may balikbayan sa amin. 

Instawild din kapag nag-inuman na. This was how Gen-X partied back then. 

But this was not the first time we had a halfway house of sorts, me and my college film berks. We actually had two, which I think prepared my parents for my eventual moving out for good. I think I have to include it here in my listing.

Move 0.1: Temporary (UP) Bliss

It was the sembreak of my last year of film school when my friends and I decided to share the rent in a unit inside the UP Bliss housing. Our film teacher sponsored a film to be done that time, script by my BFF and me directing, shooting in 16mm film ha. That would have been my first, prior to my 16mm film thesis sana, but the project fizzled out for reasons I can't remember anymore. But that several weeks in that UP Bliss gave us a taste of living independently, with roommates, paying bills like an adult, and I suppose it whet all our appetites.

Move 0.2: Mahiyain mode

Right after graduation, a handful of friends wanted to create a raket film production group, which was very rare pa back then (this is mid-'90s folks), and we decided to rent an apartment in Mahiyain street to have a headquarters. Well, we had a glorious first client which helped us pay the bills and rent, but everyone also had more glorious egos that clashed during work. So in short, that fizzled out faster than when it started.

Move 0.3: Maginhawa nga ba?

Another college friend of ours turned out to have his own fizzled film prod raket grouping, so he decided to tap me and my BFF to be new partners. We also tapped another film barkada, and this one was sturdier a samahan because our recruiter friend had a formidable work linkage in the form of this Fil-Canadian lady with a desktop publishing biz. She wanted to form a video production biz din, and she had the equipment, so we were the workers. Her huge home in Maginhawa had a small American-style garage at the back which actually could be converted into a 2-storey living quarters, so we lived there for a few months, too, as we made several rakets for her. But again, personalities crashed, as well as other things I can't recall anymore, and we ended up splitting from that setup, too, me and my BFF. So I went back to my parents' house for a while, until I made that pivotal Move 1. 

Kumu-conceptual photography with a tripod and SLR camera,
with legitimate celluloid film to boot.
Slight naubos pera ko sa kakapa-debelop ng rolyo noon,
but the memories are worth every analog print of it.

Historical preparations, ain't it? 

Move 2: Ex-jowa's house to new ex-jowa's house.

I think it has already been 2 years in that first house in Naranghita when I met a lawyer who became my jowa of 5 years. She was living in a compound owned by her ex's family, and in one of those doors, that ex of hers was also living there. And in another door, another lesbian lawyer was living there, too, who was the jowa of my jowa's ex. Magulo ba? Masusundan mo 'yan kung matalino ka, pramis hahaha! But things went bad with that ex of hers and that ex's jowa, who were living just next door to each other, literally. The jowa cheated, so my ex's ex wanted to move out of there. Meantime, we also wanted to move out already, so we three lesbians of Mabait street went and rented a new place in Mapagkumbaba street, up and down, one bedroom my ex's ex, and one ours. But that ex of hers found a new jowa and eventually moved out of our apartment. As for me, after 5 years, I also found a new me -- one that didn't want to be with her anymore. We were supposed to move into a new space actually, but that moved became a split into two different directions, not one, since I decided to split up with her, for good. 

I transitioned to many jobs during my stay with that 5-year jowa.
The last being this, as a n NGO worker in a feminist media int'l org.
Pivotal, those days. Which also meant I had to pause my MA studies,
since I had to juggle a home life with a really
high maintenance jowa back then.
Yeah, you get one of those from time to time.

As one of her last ditch efforts to keep us intact,
she allowed me to have a ConCon gathering with my
old film buddies again during our last years, since that was
my one reklamo during this relationship: na natanggal ako sa
sirkulo ng friends and arts ko when I was with her.
But even so, it wasn't really enough to make me stay.

My last months in that house, and that relationship.
'Twas when I realized I should love myself more. 

Move 3: Kamuning

My cousin-in-law's parents were renting out a duplex apartment somewhere in K-3rd street, and my cousin was living there with her young family of three in the smaller area. So I ended up renting the bigger area, all by my lonesome. That move was pivotal, since I was starting many lives back then: as a newly "singled" lesbian, a post-showbiz/media worker, post-NGO worker, and now a college professor, and also a new TV director. Which meant that the titser suweldo is not that ideal to keep an 8k a month rent, so I had to augment my income then. That Kamuning time was indeed such a busy time, so busy that my health suffered, so I ended up turning semi-vegetarian to have my lab results even out again. But then, cousin-in-law's parents decided to sell the house, and I had to vacate asap. Salamat ha. Thankfully, I found a new place in an old neigborhood.

The perks of renting a house all by your lonesome is you get to
decorate it however you want. So naturally, my artistic inclinations
arose that time, and I had a better canvas to explore.
Yes, those are windows. It's acrylic, so it washes off easily.

One of my prized possessions back then: a theatrical poster of Tomb Raider,
from my newspaper entertainment editor days. Sayang nasira.

Wherever I lived, even if it was temporary, I made sure it was homey. 

I also had preference for high ceilings.
Not a claustrophobic, but I dunno, I just felt like it.

Move 4: Naranghita part deux

A good deal of my teaching life was spent living in another part of Naranghita street, where the rent is basically the same as before. It's interesting to be back in the Anonas area at that time, a little bit older and wiser, but maybe still a bit stupid in the love department. See, when I was about to do Move 3, I met someone else right after I split with my ex of 5 years. She thought I two-timed her (at iyon ang pinagkalat niya sa mga tao), but that's not really the case (and I don't actually care kung ano ang pinagkalat niya sa akin, kasi I know the real score). This girl I met wasn't really such a good one for me, that's why the relationship never really became solid to begin with; it only served as a catalyst for me to jumpstart many things left dormant by the 5 year relationship. But she wasn't the sole catalyst, of course. Going back to the media grind also helped, thanks to my college barkada-slash-former housemates. But this girl just kept being present in my life, even after making Move 3. And she even came to me during Move 4, but only her things moved with me, because she stupidly moved out of her and her brother's own rented apartment back then, her without a plan, her brother moving into his own small apartment, so she ended up hauling her things in my place. "Pakilagay" lang daw, pero tuwing lilipat ako, nakikilipat din siya. The nerve, di ba. Even if I was already dating another person during this time, in this space, andiyan pa rin itong isa, nakikigulo. Hay naku, how did I even enter such predicaments back then is beyond me. All I know is that I'm glad they all ended.

Kahit katiting lang, dapat ang tirahan ko ay may bintana,
kung saan maaari kong matanaw ang langit at
ilang bahagi ng lupang may luntiang nagkalat.
Sa masikip na espasyong ito, puwede na
rin ito noon, pansamantala.

Ang chaka lang ng view, pero at least meron.

Dito ko muling naharap ang MA studies ko,
kaya naging espasyo ng pag-aaral ang bahay na ito.

Hindi ko alam kung premonition ito na hindi ako magtatagal sa espasyong ito,
pero hindi na ako masyadong ginanahan sa pagde-decor nito,
di tulad dun sa Kamuning dati. Kaya ganito lang
kasimple ang nilagay ko doon, para lang may bahid ng ako ang espasyo.

Ang lagi kong kasama sa mga paglilipat: ang pusa ko, at ang kurant ko.
Pareho nang wala sa buhay ko ngayon, kasi bawal na.

Move 5: Condo living

So finally, this is it, pansit! No more lingering ex-jowas to make sabit in this move, because this one is a purchase already. No more renting. No more sabits. The girl I was dating prior to this move, she also graced this space from time to time, but she had her own space with her son somewhere else. That immediately fizzled anyway, and then another person came into my life then. That one lived here for a good two years, before getting herself knocked up by a man. Galing, di ba? For a while I felt trapped here, since before, if an old relationship finished, I can also move out of the apartment and rent a new one. Not here. So what I did was, when I finally had enough cash, I disposed of all, I mean ALL, of my previous home furnishings, and replaced them with new ones: couch, TV display, TV, corner shelves, dining table, name it! Living room and dining room showcase ang change pare, even bedroom showcase. Mahihiya ang The Price is Right sa pinamigay ko nun. Pero na-cleanse na naman ang espasyo, at napalitan na ng ibang energies, kaya eto na siya, okay na.

At ngayon, akin na. Akin na talaga.

The moment I saw these kinda picture windows,
I was hooked. I knew I was home.

Ready for Occupy Marikina project again,
after 10 years of being in QC.
I mean, look at those windows, and the view!

Sa tuwing mag-eempake ako noon, feeling ko
sasadsad ako sa depression sa kung anumang kadahilanan.
Ewan ko ba kung bakit. Signos ng pagtatapos
siguro ng isang chapter, malamang. Pero itong hakot na ito,
wala, walang ganun. Kaya alam kong tama siya.

Mas marami nang puwedeng galawan, kahit papaano.
Level up na ang buhay, salamat sa kalawakan.

I always called this space my sanctuary, because it was. When the world is feeling mighty mighty low, at least I have a space I can retreat to, hibernate if you will, so I can recharge whatever needs recharging in my soul. For a time there, I also thought of this space as my Fortress of Solitude, because I lived here with no one and nothing but my thoughts, and Jor-el would be proud. Ninja training fortified. Before, I used to treat my temporary shelters as a respite, a stopover to wherever life will take me next, whatever I'm doing in life at that particular moment. But this time, no more of that. Having some kind of permanence also gave my being some peace of mind as I struggled to live here. 'Twas a struggle sometimes, indeed, especially financially, but I'm glad it turned out fine. Really fine.

And now, it's legally mine. 

No matter what the mood, the space is a safe one for me.
(Salamat din sa Rosco lighting gels swatch
na nakuha ko sa US sa eksperimentong ito).

I turned 45 this year. Sometimes I feel it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes all of these memories are crystal clear, sometimes they're just a blur. But when I recall the spaces I've lived in, it somewhat makes recollections easier, since there are automatic groupings, new chapter headings if you will, of this narrative I call my life. I guess now, now that this space is all mine, it's when Book Two starts naman. No more chapters. No more snippets. Sarado na ang unang libro, at panibagong simula na naman ang bubuksan nito sa buhay ko.

Sige lang. Andito lang ako, humihinga. Tignan natin kung ano ang maiuuwi ko naman ngayon, sa puntong ito ng buhay ko.

Siya nawa.

Kampai! At ibalik ang ibang kinaligtaan sa buhay.

And yes, thank you, you, for still reading this space. More to come. Pramis!