like it's the last night of the world

Sometimes when you sit alone at home and stare out into the world, you can't help but wonder where it will actually end, all of it, and when. The Mayans weren't able to predict it correctly. Perhaps nobody can.

Can you?

Sometimes I stare out into the world and try to feel where I should go. Sometimes I wonder where I should be. But most times, I just question why am I here, in this spot, at this certain point in time. Yes, sometimes overthinking kills the hell out of me.

But that's not why I'm writing here. I'm writing here to get a grip of myself. I want to see if the mixture of emotions I've been having this whole month is still here. Sometimes the mix is good, sometimes it's not. It all depends on what I use to contain it. Shaken, not stirred, as James Bond always says. Yes, they leave me shaken up a bit, even if I don't give a stir. Crazy that.

Life is just one big bar. What's your poison of choice? As for the bartender, it's a dash of melancholia, on the rocks.

Sometimes I wish that deleting bad feelings is 

as easy as deleting finished appointments 

in your smartphone. For cleaner internal 

hard drive storage. But no.

*

Akala ko, all this time, ako lang ang nakakaramdam ng ganito, nakakaranas ng alaala kung kailan masaya ang Pasko, at kung kelan ito huminto sa pagiging masaya. Maraming tao ang nag-aakalang Scrooge lang ako. Di nila alam na malalim ang back story nito. 

At nagulat ako noong isang araw nang madiskubre kong di lang pala ako ang nag-iisip ng back story na ito.

Ang pinsan kong bagong kasal, noong reception nila, nang nagbibigay na silang mag-asawa ng pasasalamat, nagulat ako nang banggitin niyang "may Pasko ulit sa Project 4." Muli kasing umuwi ang kapatid kong nasa America na at ang Tita kong nasa Canada na, para sa kasal niya. Grabe, nagulat ako sa komento. Doon kasi talaga nakaangkla lahat para sa akin. Sa side ng tatay ko, ako ang unang apo, paborito daw ni Lola, sa bahay niya kung saan ako lumaki. Maliit pa lang ako nang ipanganak itong pinsan kong ito. Ang nanay niya ang pinakabatang kapatid ng tatay kong panganay. Parang nakatatandang kapatid ko lang ang nanay niya. Kaya laging ang Pasko, sa bahay ng Lola ko, sa Project 4.

Masamang magkumpara, oo, pero mas masaya lagi ang Pasko dito sa bahay ng Lola ko. Ewan ko ba kung bakit. Siguro kasi halos mga kabatak ko ang mga pinsan ko dito na mas bata sa akin lahat. Di tulad sa pamilya ng nanay ko na ikalawa sa bunso na walong magkakapatid. Kaya lahat halos ng pinsan ko sa kabila, matanda na rin. May mangilan-ngilan akong kabatak dito pero ewan ko ba kung bakit parang mas feel ko ang Pasko sa kabila. Dahil na rin siguro iyon kay Lola, saka kay Lolo.

Nang ipetisyon ni Ninang ko sina Lolo at Lola noong kolehiyo ako, doon na huminto ang Pasko sa Project 4. Kanya-kanyahan na lang minsan. Dalawa sa tita ko, nasa Canada na. Di naman kami close sa pamilya ng tito ko. Ang pinakabata kong tita, na nanay ng kinasal nga, paminsan-minsan din ay nagsasama-sama kami. Pero mula nang nawala na sina Lola, parang wala na rin ang Pasko.

Nang magsarili na rin ako, lalong tumingkad ang kalungkutan ng Pasko. Nasa "reality bites" household ako noon nakatira kung saan mga kabarkada ko noong kolehiyo ang kasama ko nang matanggap ko ang balitang namatay na daw si Lola. Mahigit 10 years ago na ito. Hanggang ngayon, di ko pa nadadalaw ang puntod niya sa Toronto. Last year naman, si Lolo din. Dalawa na silang dadalawin ko kapag nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong pumunta doon. Hay, ang daming closure na kelangan pa rin sa buhay. Sa tanda kong ito...

 Sneak peek of kulit, Cantor style.

Pasko sa Project 4... 'Yan ang back story ng Scrooge mode ko. Well, medyo. Siyempre may ilan pang plot points na kelangang idagdag, pero gets na naman ang esensya kahit papaano. Ganyan lang naman 'yan. Di totoong di ako maka-Diyos o di ako naniniwala sa kapanganakan ni Jesus. Naniniwala ako. Iba lang ang napapaalala sa akin nito sa panahong iyon kasi. Sensya na kung parang damay-damay ang dating. Hay melankolya nga naman...

*

Speaking of God, at the family reunion of the other family the other day, my tita handed me a rainbow-colored rosary as a gift and said "Libay, do you know that I'm praying for you everyday?" The cousin I'm close to in age -- and in thinking -- stared at me as I registered bewilderment. I thought I misread my reaction but I asked a lesbian friend later that night about the situation. "Ay, di ka tanggap bilang lesbiyana?" Wala na namang ibang reading iyon, di ba? And all this time, I thought this side of the family has already gotten over themselves and "accepted" me for being a queer/lesbian. I thought wrong. 

I don't know why but for the life of me, I felt part of my universe crash. I really don't know why. 

So I decided to leave the shindig early and hang out with a couple of lesbian friends. After all these years, you'd think I'd be immune and callous enough not to mind such a comment. But I still cried in the taxi. Fuck it. Fuck it fuck it fuck it. Why this crash?

That's the last time I'm attending that thing. 

Wait. Come to think of it, that's exactly the same reason why I stopped attending that thing during the earlier days of my being a lez. My unenlightened older cousins were intriguing my mom about my "coming out." Leche sila. I told them that if they have questions, address it to me. Deja vu pala ito. Leche. Leche leche leche.

One for the books, man. One for the books. 

*

Maraming salamat at pinagdarasal niyo ako. Marami rin naman taong nagdarasal para sa akin. Ang kaibigan kong pastora, na lesbiyana nga pala kaya may hotline siya kay God, isa iyon. Siyempre lalo na ang girlfriend kong ministry singer, lagi iyon, pinagdarasal niya ako. Mga lesbiyana ito, po. At marami pang iba. 

Sana lang tita, hindi mo ako pinagdarasal dahil sa lesbiyana ako. Sana ipinagdarasal mo ako dahil gusto mo akong magkaroon ng good health, ng success pa sa career ko, more awards pang matatamasa pandagdag sa meron na ko, mga ganun baga. Huwag lang dahil sa gusto mo akong kantutin ng lalaki.

Maraming salamat po. 

* 

It's a good thing my girlfriend is in town. Her presence makes me feel comforted during such crazy times. I just wish I could freely come to their house and ask for a hug. But of course that's not very possible, given certain circumstances. But I am still comforted by the thought that she's just there, sharing the same space as I am, somewhat. No timezone difference. Reachable, almost but not quite, yet in touch. And I love our bonding moments, so far, however few and far between they seem to be this season. It's the holidays, so I don't mind. Duties first before anything else. And I respect that.

The couple that inks together... 

oh I don't know. Make something up. 

Masakit pa eh lech.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to write more to wrap up this one heck of a year. Yeah, heck is an understatement. These past years since the new decade began, things have been a myriad of crazy and cool things. Sometimes they get mixed up as well, in my head and within my surroundings. 

Anyway, I'm just thankful for whatever graces the heavens showered unto me, all the things I got because the universe conspired. Glad to have met the people I did, and to reforge bonds with some of the mainstay cast of my so-called cinematic life. Life is but a stage, as Shakespeare said anyway, so hey, perform like there's no tomorrow! But then again, be glad there is -- a tomorrow.

The sun will come up...tomorrow. Yes, Annie, still hanging on. Come what may.

After all, tomorrow, like happiness, or a chance of a new life, or the choice to continue on with the challenges of life, is always a day away.

Yep. Come what may indeed.

 When life makes you frown, just blink.