Para kay Mang CV

Sinimulan kong buksan ang pahinang ito para magsulat ng isang post tungkol kay Mang CV. Pero parang tila nailabas ko na yata kagabi ang anumang raw emotions na kailangan kong mailabas. Kaya ire-repost ko na lang dito yung nilagay ko sa Instagram/FB kagabi, matapos ko siyang dalawin sa huling pagkakataon sa mundong ito.

Paalam, Mang CV. At salamat. Maraming salamat.

Yung eksenang pasko ng pagkabuhay ngayon pero galing ako sa patay. Paano, nag-roll credits na kasi si Mang CV, dakilang property custodian sa UP Masscomm Film dept kung saan ako nag-undergrad na naging UP Film Institute kung saan ako nagturo. Nakita ko ang parehong side ng film at mahalaga ang naging function ni Mang CV sa buhay film namin, mula sa panahong kinakapa ko ang pag-develop ng Tri-X roll ko sa darkroom hanggang sa naging honor ma-refer ng batchmates mo na "wow para ka nang si Mang CV" dahil kayang-kaya ko nang kapain ang Bolex cam nung nag-spaghetti ang 16mm film sa loob nito isang beses na nagshu-shoot ako ng film thesis ko, hanggang sa pagtambay naming barkada sa room niya after class para manood lang ng koleksiyon ng rare films na di namin nahihiram sa labas tulad ng mga pelikula ni Zhang Yimou, Francois Truffaut at marami pa, hanggang sa inatasan akong maging head ng academic programs and research division ng Film Insti nang naging faculty ako, narinig ko ilang beses sa buhay na ito ang suporta niya na "sige, ako bahala" kapag kailangan ko ng tulong niya. Cool lang siya at mapagpasensiya lagi, kaya kinainis ko nang may isang lecturer dati na nakawala ng library book dahil pinatong daw niya sa mesa ni Mang CV expecting him to return it pero nung nawala, si Mang CV pa ang pinapabayad niya at di niya inako ang kasalanan. Kaya tuwing nakikita ko ngayon ang lecturer na ito, na sinipa namin pero pinulot ng ibang departamento, ito ang naaalala ko lagi. Di ko na alam kung ano ang naging resolusyon doon pero sana ang mga taong tulad ni Mang CV ay nirerespeto. Nalulungkot ako ngayon dahil di man lang ako nakapagpaalam at nakapagpasalamat nang husto o pormal sa mga mabubuting budhi na staff nang bigla akong mag-alsa balutan sa pagtuturo. Pero alam kong alam niyang kailangan ko na kasing tumalilis noon; minsan, kailangan mong mag-exit frame bigla sa ilang eksena sa buhay. Kaya ngayon ako nagpaalam, at alam kong cool lang siyang tatango na "okay lang" sabay ngiti. Paalam Mang CV. Regards mo ko kay Ma'am Ellen, Sir Hammy at Sir Joven diyan. Cut ka na dito, pero take 2 ka na diyan, change location lang. Ingat po.

A lesson in character design a.k.a. Paano ka nakakatulog sa gabi?

Bilang manunulat, kuwentista, at kumukuha ng mga imahe at galaw ng tao sa camera, lagi akong curious sa kung paano gumalaw ang isang tao. Noong nag-aaral ako ng film nung undergrad, napasok sa isip ko 'yung thought na "Lahat ng tao, may kanya-kanyang kuwento 'yan." Sa pagsakay ko sa bus, jeep, fx o taxi, mas madalas gusto kong nakatanaw sa bintana para nakikita ang tanawin, pero madalas, tinitignan ko rin ang mga tao, ang expression sa mukha nila, ang kilos at bihis, ano ang dala at sino o ano ang tangan nila. Tapos mapapaisip ako, "Ano kaya ang kuwento ng aleng ito? Ng manong na iyon? Saan galing itong bata? Saan pupunta itong matanda?" 

Bilang estudyante at later on guro ng scriptwriting, mahalaga ito. Character design. Mas interesado ako sa pelikulang character-driven kesa plot-driven kasi mas may lalim ang karakter. Kahit flawed sila, tatakbo ang kuwento, aabangan mo ang magaganap. Mas naging mahalaga ang pagtingin ko sa character design noong napasok ako sa mundo ng literatura. Thoughts, emotions, unreliable narrator, stream of consciousness, mga ganyan, mahalaga sa mundo ng fiction writing lalo na, dahil ikaw ang diyos sa isang mundong iyong isusulat, at ikaw ang magpapaandar sa mga galaw at iniisip ng karakter mo sa isusulat mong short story o nobela. At dahil hindi ito makikita agaran di tulad ng script na magiging pelikula, kailangan mas malaman ang pag-disenyo mo ng character para malinaw kung bakit sila ganoon.

At iyon din naman ang concern ko in real life. Bakit ganoon kumilos ang ibang tao? Bakit niya nagawa ang mga ginawa niya? Ano ang motivation niya at pinili niya ang choices na pinili niya, kahit alam niyang nakakasakit, o makakasagasa ng ibang tao, ganun. Kaya ako fascinated sa mga psychological thrillers at sa mga crime shows siguro. Inaalam nila kung bakit ganoon ang takbo ng utak ng tao. Bilang communication major na film ang focus, tapos later sa MA ay creative writing na fiction ang focus, mahalaga ang mga tanong na ito sa paglikha ng obra, kaya naging part and parcel na ng pagkatao ko ang maging curious sa tao at pagkatao ng iba.

Kaya rin ako mangha sa mga taong alam na dapat nila ang mga ethical at moral concerns ng buhay, pero nilalabag pa rin nila ito. Tulad na lang nitong Napoles at pork barrel case sa atin lately. I mean, paano nakakatulog ng mapayapa ang mga taong ito knowing na ninanakawan nila ang gobyerno at taong bayan ng pera, at pinambibili nila ng bahay, kotse, condo sa US, ganyan, samantalang kapag nag-drive around sila sa Maynila, makakakita sila ng walang kapararakang kahirapan. Wala ba silang konsensiya? Di ba sila nababagabag? At ang isang lagi kong tanong: PAANO SILA NAKAKATULOG SA GABI NANG MAPAYAPA? Like aren't they bothered? 

Mamatay na ang mga manloloko.

Minsan na kaming namangha sa isang karakter na ganyan noon. Noong mga early 2000s, 'yung mga kabarkada kong taga-Masscomm na karamihan film major din ay naloko ng isang mala-Napoles na karakter. Isa lang siya, journ major yata if I'm not mistaken. Undergrad pa lang kami, jowa na siya ng isa naming barkada sa film. Needless to say, parang we all "grew up" together in UP. Mga kabatak for life na ang peg namin, at madalas nga kaming magkita at magsama-sama noong mga panahong okay pa kaming lahat sa isa't isa. 

At siguro dahil sa sobrang okay at kampante na nga kami sa isa't isa, saka nangyari ang betrayal sa amin doon. Nagsimula ito sa bigas. Oo, bigas. Like rice. Na nagiging kanin.

Nakakatawa. Ang ilan sa amin ay may mga jowa na. Early 2000s ito. Nasa 2nd relationship ako noon with my ex of 5 years, at dahil mas matanda siya sa akin at bilang lawyer, nasa investment at pagpapalaki ng money ang moda niya. Itong journ major na gel, naging asawa na ng film major naming barkada na boy. Nilapitan kami nito para sumali sa isang business scheme thing. Mahilig siyang magluto, at may parang self-business eklat siyang nagbe-bake siya ng specialty niyang cheesecake. Na patok naman at kami-kami laging umoorder sa kanya. Nanay mode ang drama ni journ major sa amin. You know the type. Laging may ganyan sa barkada, mother hen ang peg. Siya iyon.

So si mother hen, nilapitan ang jowa ko at nag-offer ng business. Mag-invest daw siya ng konti sa isang rice dealer na kakilala niya, si Mang Domeng, sa isang nearby province, Cavite or Laguna ganyan. Parang magbibigay ka ng cash para ipapaikot o gagamitin yata ni Mang Domeng kapag may harvest or something, tapos after a certain time, lalago ang pera mo ng ilang percent. Nagbigay yata ang ex ko ng 5k ganyan, tapos after 2-3 weeks, binigyan niya kami ng cheke worth 10k na yata. So parang ganun ang scheme. 

Mother hen also did that to others. Naging spokesperson testimonial ang lawyer ex ko. Yung isa kong barkadang dude na may gf din nun, ganun din pala ang nangyari yata. Pero ang biggest testimonial niya ay yung Ilongga naming kabarkada na taga-ABSCBN. At dahil buryong na siya sa dos, gusto na niyang mag-ipon para gumawa ng sariling home business din tulad ni mother hen. Siya naman is like a gourmet pasta maker chenes. Kaya masarap kapag magpa-party kami lagi noon kasi nga may cheesecake supplier at gourmet pasta supplier kami sa barkada. At ako naman ang dakilang bartender inventing new cocktail drinks o supplier of new red wine labels na nasasagap ko sa paligid hehe. So yun.

Sa lahat sa amin, si Ilongga ang kumarir nitong bigas investment scheme. She was really hell-bent on earning money. It came to a point daw na she skips meals just to save up sa money para ilagak sa investment para tumubo ganun. Oo adik din kaming mga barkada, ganyan mag-isip minsan hehe film major eh. Creative topak is our birthright. I can't remember lang how much ang nailagak niya dito, pero naaalala ko na umabot yata siya sa more than 30k or something.  Mga 60k na nga yata, or more. I think my ex mga 25k naman yata or thereabouts. Basta ganyan. Take note, early 2000s ito kaya malaking halaga ito noon. Php25 pa lang yata ang flagdown rate sa taxi noon, unlike now na Php40. Gets?

Akala namin, wagi ang naratibo. Until the checks started bouncing. Ayan na ang major conflict ng drama. Unti-unti, nakikiusap siya na huwag na munang mag-encash kami nang sabay-sabay para mapondohan daw ni Mang Domeng nang maayos. Hanggang sa hindi na namin siya mahagilap nang madalas. Pero minsan sumasagot naman sa text. Kung hindi siya, yung asawa niya ang tinetext namin. Pero walang kaalam-alam ang asawa niya sa nagaganap na talbugan moda. 

Finally, our Ilongga girl decided na something's fishy. And as a true-blue barkada, we all met up and discussed this scheme. Doon kami nagkaalaman na lahat nga kami halos ay nagoyo ni mother hen. Kami na barkada niya since college, siya na umarte sa CCP award-winning short film project namin sa directing class dati, siya na kumanta ng musical score ng award-winning film namin na 'yun, siya na nagluluto ng pagkain at official caterer namin sa mga film production namin noong college, siya na tinutulungan namin ang cheesecake business by referring her to others for orders. Ginoyo niya kami, mga kabatak ng asawa niya. 

Don't take the blue pill.

But we are not film majors for nothing. So we wrote our own script and hatched up a plan of entrapment. Hey, we don't watch a lot of espionage films for nothing, too. They called it Operation Bigas Guinamus. Or ginamus ba? I can't remember pero it's an Ilonggo term, and I forgot na rin the meaning now. Basta 'yan ang plano: na we will try to entrap her and make her confess about these things. 

So here's how Operation Bigas Guinamus went: our Ilongga called around sa supposed na mga ka-choir nitong si mother hen and inquired about her whereabouts, cross-referenced her sked dun etc to monitor movement, called around sa iba pang mga supposed clients ni mother hen to discover if indeed supplier nga siya ng cheesecake sa mga lugar na sibasabi niya etc. It's to establish if sinungaling siya o nagsasabi ng totoo. And Ilongga found out na most of the press release ni mother hen ay drowing: peke ang mga kliyente, hindi na siya miyembro ng choir, etc etc etc. Character build-up starts by researching on back story. And we got it: she was lying. 

My two friends naman na mga taga-GMA7, sila ang magpo-pose na new clients na mag-i-invest kuning kay mother hen. Sila ang magdadala kay mother hen sa Teacher's Village apartment ng mga taga-siyete tapos doon, bigla kaming aapir to corner her. Nasa tabi-tabi lang kami ng village. Ako, ang specific role ko, imi-meeting ko yung asawa niya dahil kunwari mag-uusap kami ng possible production raket kasi pareho kaming cinematog ang focus noong undergrad so I played around with that, na I need a trustworthy cameraperson for my next project eklavu. So I met him at Chocolate Kiss while the others were luring his wife sa apartment. And then ang moda ko, aayain ko muna siya na dumaan sa apartment to meet up with the others kasi kasama rin ang ilang barkada sa raket na iyon kuning kuning. So ayun.

Tapos nung andun na sa apartment ang mag-asawa, we all appeared. Surrounded them. Kabog! And then doon na nilabas ang hinaing kay mother hen. Gulat si hubby siyempre. Ang dialogue niya, "Bakit sila, sila pa? Mga barkada ko yan! Mga kaibigan natin noon pa!" Ganyan. Siyempre the biggest axe to grind is Ilongga, dahil nga sa aside from interacting with mother hen about this bigas investment ek, naging extra close sila ni mother hen nung time na yun at parang naging bffs. 

And all the time this was transpiring, I was totally transfixed kay mother hen. I was looking at her, her twitches, her eye movements, her hands, her feet, paano siya gumalaw, mannerisms, body language, the works! I wanna know how such a character functions. PAANO KA NAKAKATULOG SA GABI, GAYONG ALAM MONG NANLOLOKO KA NANG GARAPALAN? That was the question in my mind, a question left unanswered. She just stared at us blankly, no expression sa face, not even remorse. Wala. Nada. Nothing. Naiyak na nga sa frustration ang hubby, pero wala pa ring sagot ang walang katapusan niyang tanong na "Bakit? Bakit mo nagawa ito? Bakit? Sila pa? Bakit?"

At doon nag-roll credits ang pelikulang ito.

After this, pinagtawanan na lang namin nang humupa na ang mga bagay-bagay. Kasi wala namang naging resolution na tunay. Kinontak daw ni mother hen si Ilongga lang and tried to win her friendship back. Pero kami, wit! May naibalik na konting pera yata, pero di ko na maalala. Kung familiar kayo sa ponzi scheme, ganito lang yata ang naganap sa amin. Hindi totoo si Mang Domeng. In fact, sabi nga ng friend ko, "Eh baka kinuha lang niya yun from sinandomeng, yung uri ng bigas." Honganoh! At natawa na lang kami. During the entrapment operation, the hubby mentioned "na naman" giving us clues na naganap na pala ito dati. Pero nakalimutan ko na if someone cared to ask what the past instances were. Me, I was just transfixed at how such a character functions, and how such a character is designed. Scriptwriter to the core lang ang peg.

Ah, Operation Bigas Guinamus. That was a funny chapter of my life.

 No liars. Bawal basura.

Kaya until now, fascinated pa rin ako sa mga taong ganito. Harap-harapan na nanloloko, nanggagago, may sinasabing bagay pero may iba palang kasabay o ibig sabihin. Fakers, schemers, lalo na yung gumagawa ng elaborate schemes and scenarios just to make people believe them, sila dapat ang magtrabaho sa networks at mag-pitch ng storylines sa mga boss. Kasi magaling silang gumawa nito. Ang pinagtatakahan ko lang, wala ba silang mga konsensiya, knowing full well na nakakasakit sila ng tao, na nanloloko sila ng tao, ganun? 

Sa kakapanood namin ng pelikula at sa kaka-chika na rin ng iba't ibang professionals, sinasabing may tawag kasi dito: sociopath. O kaya psychopath. They know full well what they are doing but there's somehow a disconnect sa kanilang interpretation of ethics and morality -- or these concepts are absent from their being, hence they just do what they think is right. At kapag nahuli siya, ang laging excuse is "they're only human" o "tao lang" or" i make mistakes" or "hindi ako perfect" etc. Who's talking about perfection? Who's talking about being human? Ang mistake, yung kunwari naglalakad ka na may dalang isang tasang kape at natabig mo ang isang tao at natapunan siya ng mainit na kape. Oops sorry, mistake. Ang mistake, hindi sinasadya. Ang paggawa o paghabi ng mga kuwento, elaborate schemes and scenarios to build up a web of lies para pagtakpan ang ginagawa mo, sinasadya iyon, hindi iyon mistake. Objective mo talagang manakit. Tulad ng pag-assassinate kay JFK, ganun. O kaya yung pag-atake sa New York nung 9/11 ganun. Did we hear Lee Harvey Oswald say "Oops sorry I'm only human, I shot the president." or did we hear Bin Laden say "My bad! The plane with the terrorist crashed the World Trade Towers. I make mistakes." Mistakes? Mistakes are for the innocents who slipped. If you are aware of what you are doing, you are not innocent. You are deliberately evil. You are a monster. HALIMAW KA. 

Sasawsaw ka pa ba sa sinawsawan ng iba? Kadiri. Hepa yan.

Nakakaloka ano. Naalala ko lang lately ang ganitong mga exercises in character design, characterization and personality flaws. May ginagawa kasi akong kuwento. Kaya as usual, pinaghuhugutan ko na naman ng inspirasyon ang mga taong nakakasalamuha ko sa buhay.

In the immortal words nga ni pareng Jim Morrison, people are strange. And as long as they are, I'll keep on writing about them, perhaps until I've figured them out -- somewhat.

Tipa tipa lang pag may time beks. Iwas na lang sa mga mukhang mabait pero psycho pala. 

Not my loss. Yours.

shopping for phds

since my insomnia is back since yuletide 09, and since the internet is back, too, since last week, i am now able to spend some time surfing for things. right now, i'm shopping for phds.

at pan de amerikana
blogging during the pepeng chorva
about the ondoy chorva

yes, as in PhD baga. dagdag na pagpapakadalubhasa. colleagues like doc nic tiongson gave good advise but... i dunno, it's the production persona in me, or the creative persona, or maybe both, pero talagang di ko bet ang purely theoretical and research-oriented program. borlogs to the max itey teh. i really need something to produce creatively, kaya wala, i will stick to my original plan. sabi niya kasi, iba namang field ang kunin ko which will enhance my cinema teaching/filmmaking persona chuva daw, para ibang perspectives naman, so ang top recommendation niya ay anthropology, sociology second.

kaya pala marami sa masscomm ang kumukuha ng anthro o socio. ito ang advise sa kanila. pero dahil sa may sarili akong isip, i'll still go with my original plan: creative writing pa ring walang kamatayan. ayoko na yatang lumayo sa kal, kasi doon may creative production din like film. saka tried and tested na ang phd nila doon kaya i'll go with that. it doesn't hurt that i also know the people there already. saka may gameplan na ako dati pa sa thrust ng tatahakin kong sulatin doon kung sakali.

ang original plan ko talaga is to take a second MA talaga na malikhaing pagsulat naman, but everybody disagrees dahil wala na naman daw akong kelangang aralin sa larangang ito dahil marami na akong alam. ngek. flattered ako sa comments pero ba pa rin ang may pormal na gabay ng aral sa panulat e. para patas lang, inaral ko ang english then filipino. pero wit nga sabi ng mga tanders hehe. ayoko namang straight phd na malikhain kasi i'll be skipping a lot of essentials na sa MA level ko makukuha. wa na. saka sabi nga ng friend kong faculty sa departamento ng filipino, sino daw ba ang makukuha kong titser na okay doon sa MA hehe. kaya kahit siyang taga-doon e dini-discourage ako. now that's a bad sign, ain't it? heheh. good thing i have a lot of friends in a lot of places...

ondoy-damaged deped textbooks
in front of dswd office in marikina

heniwey, solb na ko sa desisyong ito. kebs sa kanila. basta, PhD in Creative Writing pa rin ang gegetlakin ng lola mo. dahil sa kuwentista ako, hindi na fiction ang focus ko kundi creative nonfiction, tutal doon naman ako napapunta eventually sa course ng pag-lie low ko sa fiction. ewan, mas makulay at mas excited ako sa larangang ito lately kaya heto, gusto kong karirin hehe. at least may production, kahit may theoretical and research courses din na included. balanse. all theoretical and no creative makes bayli a... boring academician mwahahahahah. and we don't want that heheh. cheka.

siya sige, hangga't libre aral ako sa peyups, getlak lang ng getlak. maybe after this phd, if ever i'm still teaching in peyups, i'll getlak the second MA in malikhaing pagsulat na ever. bakit ba, gusto ko e. at dahil may phd na ko by that time, wa na say ang mga tanderiffics ever. ayuz.

achieve!

natapos din si vakler

me at the dumaguete writer's workshop
some ten years ago, as a fiction fellow.

the much-awaited ten--errr, eleven na nga pala--year ordeal was finally put to an end last wednesday afternoon, the sked of my MA thesis oral defense. yes, oral defense as they call it in CAL where i have been taking up my masters degree in english studies major in creative writing at the department of english and comparative literature for eleven years. eleven frakking years, man. kung nanganak ako noong 1998 ay may pinapaaral na akong grade 5 sa elementarya ngayon noh! may ganung factor! hahahahaa. pero tangeeenaaaa natapos din!!!! woot!

sadyang anti-climactic itong defense ko dahil nga sa tagal. nagkaroon pa ng panibagong external conflict at the last stretch of this decade-long dramaturgy of mine during my birthday. poootangeena birthday na birthday ko noong abril, naglalalakad ako para maghabol ng UP officials para sa shortcoming ng isang departamento na di naman ako ang may kagagawan. well, thank goddesses na-achieve naman ang objective, at na-resolve lahat at wala nang loose ends. hay.

happy lang yung defense. my thesis adviser, dr. jing hidalgo, is a longtime teacher and well, colleague na ring matatawag siguro, since 1997 UP national writers' workshop days pa namin in cebu and baguio where i became a fellow. in fact, in baguio, she was the one who encouraged me to take up an MA in CW. i'm glad i took her advice. masaya ang CW life for me heheh. kaya i'm still there now. well, at least part of me does that to this day. yey.

it was a hoot to hear ms. jing do the defending for me sometimes hehe. i so love her. may kinda CL slash CW dichotomy kasing nangyari with the presence of another colleague na naging friend na rin dati, si ruth pison who teaches CL at the english dept. she was my panelista kasi maalam sa gender theories chenelyn. i took my postcolonial literature undegrad back subject under her when i began my MA in 1998 at sobrang aliw ang learning experience doon. happy siya. it was cool to hear the pros and cons of the CL thinking and the CW thinking in one table. super happy learning experience for me. wala, tawanan lang kami ng tawanan in between comments hahaha!

no frills ang defense. no pakain chenes unlike eons ago, kasi nga alam ko, bawal na ito sa kayoopehan. ni magkape nga, ayaw nila, so tipid ako hahaha! ms jing didn't want long elaborate powerpoint presentations so a 2-pager thingie was fine for me, then the rest of the work, sila na gumawa hahaha!

aliw din ang observations ni celeste flores coscolluela, fellow CW major ko na kinontratang maging critique. siya ang nag-provide ng hetero side of comments. well, hetero din naman yung kay ruth pero iba ang atak ng lola mong yon, mas sa teorya-teorya chorva nga at reality of things (mga tanong na "may lalaki bang ganyan?" and stuff. hahaha so ruth! funny.) kaya si cel ang by default na hetero commenter chenes. tapos si vlad gonzales served as the dean's rep at aliw din ang comments niya ha. dami ko napulot kay koya hehe. haylavet. textmates na kami hahaha! chos. dati ko pa namang kakilala si koya vlad, mga panahon pa noong nabuo yung akdang bayan writer's org, short for artista para sa kultura at dalumat ng bayan kung saan kami kasapi. man, sayang talaga yung grupong yon. tsk. oi may bagong libro nga pala si koya vlad published by milflores, buy kayo. buy ako next next week, pahuhupain ko lang ang kaguluhang bookstore dahil magpapasukan na. google niyo na lang yung title, haba e.

aliw din si mam jing sa comments, of course, especially her panalong wrap-up on the "what's next" on my plate chorva. panalo! basta, if you know her, you know na she's a CW-CL goddess by default. kaya nga lagi kapag may nagtatanong sa akin kung sino ang okay kuning titser sa MA doon, lagi kong sinasabing kahit ano'ng ituro ni ms jing, enrollan mo! same comment ko actually yan kay mam betsy enriquez dito naman sa cmc hehehe. basta, alam mong may mga gurong sulit enrollan at kritikal ito lalo na at MA ka at hindi galing sa paryentes mo ang pang-tuition mo kundi sa sarili mong bulsa. poonyemas masakit ang 500 pesos per unit sa MA ha! may 1 or 2 courses nga ako dating nakuhang i wanted a refund, but that's another story na lang for next time.

haaaay... poonyemas puwede na ko mag-kikay ulet! hahaha. hamfanget ko na noh dahil sa thesis na toh!!! okay kaya papagupit na akey, ukay ng new clothes, at back to workout moda olympic level. as in!!! oo vain ako to a certain extent bakit ba! hahaha! and back to my house repairs na din, na inuunti-unti ko dahil mas may kelangang unahin sa buhay minsan, tulad nitong MA.

hm napaisip ako doon sa what's next a. actually, parang alam ko na pero so many colleagues are against it. i want to have a second MA kasi, this time malikhaing pagsulat naman. didibdibin ko ang pagiging bilingual writer literal hehe. wala, gusto ko lang, bakit ba. actually, muntik ko na ngang inabandona itong CW thesis at magshi-shift na sana ko dahil nababagot na nga ako noon sa "philippine literature in english," kung di lang ako tinalakan ng ilang upfi colleagues (even the dean breathing down my neck! dean nic, that was.) at pinandilatan ng mga film dyosas like mam gigi na tapusin mo na yaaaaan hahahaha! salamat sa talak! haylavyoooo all! oo, ganun kami magmahalan sa upfi, karinyo brutal hahaha! chos.

so yan ang life hehe. yes, okay na ko. sobrang okay, pare. SOP. hahaha. chos.

so sa pagtatapos ng post na ito, share ko lang dito yung aking naging super short and sweet na presentation of my thesis project chorvaloo. short and fast lang ito pramis, like hayden kho's "performance." charot!!!

oo bangenge pa ko.

salamat nga pala sa mga friendsheeps ko na bumati sa fezbuk at sa offline life, sa mga actual na dumalo at nanood for moral support or to jot down notes for their own pending MA CW fiction thesis defense hehehe. :)


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MA CW Thesis Oral Defense Presentation
27 May 2009

F L Y L E A F
libay linsangan cantor

This thesis, a collection of 17 short stories, is called Flyleaf. I used the flyleaf metaphor of the blank pages of books where sometimes, as readers, we use these blank pages at the front or back of the book to jot down our notes or thoughts or maybe reactions to what we have read in the book – provided of course we own the book and don’t vandalize others’ property. Sometimes, the notes we jot down surprise us, for they could be rather insightful, meaningful, but most of all, we jot down these notes to sometimes make sense of what we just read. This is what I am hoping my collection would do – make sense
of what it is to be a lesbian in contemporary Philippine society as narrated through the stories in this collection.

In my introductory essay, I tried to locate myself as a lesbian writer in Philippine literature in English. This is because, as I have studied in the past, there is an obvious absence of lesbian voices in this field. I found a handful of stories with lesbian content and also know of only a handful of lesbian-identified writers like myself who create lesbian-themed fiction or creative nonfiction in English. But compared to gay-themed writings or gay-identified writers, we lesbians lag so far behind in numbers.

I also tried to deconstruct what that identity means, to be a “lesbian writer,” to understand where my poetics are rooted or grounded, which I believe is primarily influenced and enhanced by tenets of lesbian feminism. And as a writer, I also wanted to locate where my audience is. I know for a fact that there is an audience out there for this kind of material, an audience primarily composed of women like me – women who identify as women and as lesbians, who look for and yearn to read about themselves and their experiences—or our experiences—in Philippine literature.

I tried to analyze why I write the way I write, as my stories sometimes unfold differently from one another. There are stories that are metafictional and there are stories that are traditional. I concluded that this is because perhaps I also need to relate my stories to a “more traditional” type of audience, the audience I also hope to reach with my stories, which are non-lesbians. But as a storyteller exposed to various media such as cinema, I also like to discover and experiment with new ways of telling or retelling a story, much like how I also like to discover and experiment with new ways of showing a story via the audiovisual medium when I shoot as a filmmaker.

So what kind of experiences and stories are here? In the beginning, I tried to map out the life of several contemporary middle-class educated lesbians living in Metro Manila who work in the fields of media and the arts. But upon my consultations with my adviser, it was best to flesh out just one persona from these different stories, for it was noticed that there was a dominant voice emanating from most of the stories. Thus, the order of the stories were rearranged and presented as how you all read them in the manuscript.

The individual stories narrate one persona’s experiences that span almost ten years, set during this decade. The development is in accordance with the main persona’s discovery of her lesbianism. In the beginning, she is presented as a twentysomething heterosexual woman who discovers that her more authentic sexuality is that of a lesbian. We see this persona undergo happy and horrible relationships; we see her being single alone and being single with friends both straight friends and friends belonging to the LGBT community; and towards the end, we see her as a thirtysomething lesbian at the beginning of a more domesticated life with a partner as they try to begin a family, which includes having a child.

In between these experiences, there are, of course, the staple stories of discrimination directed towards lesbian women (particularly feminine-looking lesbians), and we see how this persona struggled with these discriminatory experiences, particularly being verbally taunted or sexually harassed because she is a feminine-looking lesbian, and even being raped because she is a lesbian, period. As I wanted to reflect real-life lesbian narratives in my fiction, I included a balance of happy stories and not-so-happy ones in order to fully characterize how this certain Filipina lesbian lives in this day and age. //


okay lang mag-comment, kahit nega. ako si miss workshop, kaya you can comment away :)

high-powered

“Yesterday’s incident [involved] really high-powered firearms and the level of violence, which the UP police is not probably used to dealing with,” Puno said.

but sometimes, i also want to deal with my UP work with high-powered weapons. puwede ba yun? pahahagingan ko lang ang mga diva at feelingero't feelingera. at mga makukulit. puwedeh? puwedeh?

hmp.

mabuti pa, makinig na lang kami sa stars.

Taurus Horoscopes

(Apr 20 - May 20)

For the Week of Nov 10th, 2008 -- You could be taking relationship matters too seriously this weekend. I know that this is an important subject, but if you're trying to set up plans for the rest of your life, this isn't the time to do it. Enjoy the moment, whether you are single or with a partner, and let the future of your personal life sort itself out later.

ako rin. solo matter:

Taurus Horoscopes

(Apr 20 - May 20)

Tuesday, Nov 11th, 2008 -- Relationships may have made your past few days rather wild, but now you could be relieved as you are let down to the ground rather gently. Today you are able to make good decisions based on knowledge and common sense, for the Moon's return to your sign can increase your sensitivity. Be careful, though, not to get too complacent or you could miss an important opportunity.

note to self ito, delivered from the heavenly bodies about, um, a heavenly body heheh.

ayuz.

UP survey..kasi centennial na!

sige na nga patulan ko ito... --------

Sa Mga Tiga-UP…Happy Centennial!

1. Student number?
---- 90-chenescheneschenes

2. College?
---- 90-92: college of fine arts 92-95: college of masscomm 98-present (mrr!): college of arts and letters

3. Ano ang course mo?
---- BA Film and Audiovisual Communication, and soon MA English Studies major in Creative Writing

4. Nag-shift ka ba o na-kick out?
---- obvious ba? oo naman nag-shift ako

5. Saan ka kumuha ng UPCAT?
---- oh man. di ko na maalala. sa math building yata

6. Favorite GE subject?
---- all arts and humanities-related GE i like. mga punyetang natsci yan mamatay na nag-imbento niyan (but i loved the physics part tho. physics nut ako e hehe)

7. Favorite PE?
---- tap dancing pare, kaya mo yun?

8. Saan ka nag-aabang ng hot guys/girls sa UP?
---- tila walang hot guys and girls akong pinansin noon. halaman ang drama ko nung college e. ni sexual orientation di pa nga defined e

9. Favorite prof(s)
---- si prof. agustin "hammy" sotto, ang walking encyclopedia of philippine and world cinema. sumalangit nawa...i miss sir hammy... wala siyang katulad grabe, bilang guro, mentor at bilang tao. walang kupas... at saka pala si prof. luna sicat ng PI 100 ko. men hot siya when she was still single hehehe :P at saka si national artist napoleon abueva pala. cool siya kasi sa class niya (materials 1) ako natauhan na ang visual art na gusto kong pagtuunan ng pansin ay 3D /sculpture chenes baga. laos ako sa 2D e

10. Pinaka-ayaw na GE subject.
---- mga natsci lalo na yung punyeterang sts na yun leche

11. Kumuha ka ba ng Saturday classes?
---- hindi ko maalala. hindi yata

12. Nakapag-field trip ka ba?
---- oo yung PE 1 class ko nag-trekking kami sa mount famy sa laguna. tapos nagswim sa waterfalls dun.

13. Naging CS ka na ba or US sa UP?
---- yeah. may geek mode ako e, but not all the time

14. Ano ang Org/Frat/Soro mo?
---- wala. mas masaya noon na walang org kasi patay lang ang mga film orgs nung panahon ko kaya sa huge barkada namin sila sumasama hehehe. although i tried out for the UP Rifle Pistol Team and got in, pero turn off ako sa militar mode nila kaya umalis ako. saka dun sana sa UP Astronomical Society (yes i am a geek like that) kaya lang strict ang tatay ko at di ako pinalalabas past 10pm. goodbye stargazing. although weird kasi lagi akong napapagkamalan na member ng APO. weird.

15. Dorm, Boarding house, o Bahay?
---- bahay pare. taga-mkna lang kami kaya 40min away from katips

16. Kung walang UPCAT test at malaya kang nakapili ng kurso mo sa UP, ano yun? (Given ang mentality mo nung HS ka)
---- fine arts pa rin kasi yun talaga type ko e, advertising. kaya lang nung panahon ko, parang nalugaw utak ko sa FA kasi di balanced ang analytical chenes doon, puro artsy chenes

17. Sino ang pinaka-una mong nakilala sa UP?
---- yung taga-samasa na cute girl na parang head ng block namin chenes

18. First play na napanood mo sa UP?
---- di ko maalala...dami ko napanood e. hm siguro yung starring si adriana agcaoili na ang plot ay pipnagsususpetsahan siyang aswang sa isang barrio. i fell in love with her there sa galing nya.

19. Saan ka madalas mag-lunch?
---- sa casaa (porkchop rules) at saka sa beach house (bbq rules)

20. Masaya ba sa UP?
---- nung nag-masscom na ako, oo. di ko masyadong enjoy ang fine arts days ko, except sometimes lang

21 . Nakasama ka na ba sa rally?
---- yes during the US bases kickout chenes rally

22. Ilang beses ka bumoto sa Student Council
---- kapag meron sige boto

23. Pinangarap mo rin bang mag-laude nung freshman ka?
---- hindi naman ako ganun ka-geek. basta kung umabot e di abot but i won't bend over backwards to get it, unlike some of my students hahahaahaha aminin!!!!!!!

24. Kung di ka UP, anong school ka?
--- malamang UST kasi nakapasa rin ako doon sa fine arts e.

---------

ay, bakit walang pinaka-ayaw na prof na tanong? hahaah kasi too many to mention ang sagot!

teacher tumbling series episode 1

now i know why teachers get mad incessantly and want to blow themselves up and just shatter to smithereens (or they wanna do that to their students). hay.

may ganun kanina sa Film 10 class ko, the GE course for non-film majors. since 70 percent of the class is made up of UP freshies -- yes, straight out of haiskul layp -- they're still below par sa usual maturity rate. but being UP students, you kinda expect them to jack up a few notches or so up that scale because they have some kind of academic x-factor.

but nooooooooooo. may isa lang kanina na tumambling ako nang tanungin niya ko ng:

"mam, wala ba kayong ibibigay na...incentive o ganun, sa perfect attendance?"

tangina, ano to, haiskul??? may bonus points at medal pag wala kang absent sa tanang buhay haiskul? potah. nalurkey ako dun.

at tinanong niya yan dahil delinquente siyah. as in, uber delinquent to the max. he thought he could make a 4-minute film production overnight. i guess he's not listening well in class because i always tell them that i give them days off to work on their damn projects, not to go malling forever. most of the other kids were able to pull it off, with some really really pulling it off well that i wanna offer them to shift to our course! may future sa pelikula! but of course i don't say that out loud, that's kinda unethical. mej. bantayan ko na lang na mag-shift sila...

hay nakuh. what do i do with these ones? sagot ko lang sa kanya, ang incentive sa kanya ng perfect attendance ay yung marami siyang natutunan sa pag-attend niya ng klase! tangina. ano ba tong mga batang to! at naaasar ako kasi siya yung nag-express noon na gusto niyang mag-shift dito. kaya sabi ko nga sa kanya, dito pa lang sa Film10 di niya pinagbubutihan, what more sa higher film courses na mas demanding sa oras, talino and most of all -- maturity! jeezus fuck! i swear, ito ang topper ng aking teaching experience on hearing the most bizarre question from a student. trés bizarre super! incroyable!

wala. nabuang talaga ko dun. it's rare that i get wengkwengk questions from students but i'm just worried about education in general in this country because they seem to be increasing, these wengkwengkkids. hay nakuh... ewan.

hm, speaking of wengkwengk kids, tatlong cmc students na pala ang na-expel because of plagiarism. hah, if you guys think we're not serious in these things and you could get away with it, think again. sabi nga ni dean, kahit ilang sems na nakalusot kayo pero na-trace pa rin, deds pa rin. remember, nababawi ang bachelor's degree due to plagiarism. it already happened before. yes, here in UP. yes, here in CMC.

kaya laging mag-sariling sikap. walang mapapala sa pagkopya sa iba.

deal breakers

attention university of the philippines diliman smokers!!!!

my former teacher who works at the registrar's office just told me that peyups is about to unleash a new university-wide ordinance that will again signify that the university is taking a few dozen steps back into the dark ages.

after banning alcohol in the campus (the one that comes in bottles as hard or soft), they are now going to enforce daw the no smoking ordinance chenes anytime soon. which means no more yosi breaks anywhere in the campus. in effect na naman ito in several areas, like bawal na sa loob ng enclosed airconditioned rooms and such places. pero now, even in the freaking parking lot iba-ban na daw. pati daw mga kotseng napapadaan lang sa campus that happened to have a smoker smoking inside the moving vehicle will be banned. what the fuck di ba? labo kaya nun. imagine being stopped by security like this : "bos, bawal pasok UP kung di mo patayin sigarilyo." labo.

again, when i heard this, like when i first heard that alcohol is banned on campus, napabulalas ako ng "huwaaat? kelan pa tayo naging ateneo?" not to offend our jesuit-trained friends but hey, at least doon kasi may grounds kung bakit may such bans sa mga vice products like alcohol and yosi. even miriam already did that and it was quite a struggle there as narrated before by ms gigi francisco. the truly feminist ones of that school indeed put up a fight! pero wala rin, the "cleaner" people won and when we were in miriam for a meeting before, we had to walk more than a hundred steps towards a small patch of land with a small tent thing near the creek place designated as the only smoking area of that campus. ang labo. i asked if peyups will implement the same thing, put up tents and designated smoking areas and such, and my teacher is not yet knowledgeable about the details of the fine print. shit hits the fan itish!!!

well, let me tell you, that just sucks. i mean, thanks for being concerned about people's health and all, but the point of being people is just that: we are free to choose whatever the hell we want to do, buy, eat, drink and all so long as we are not directly harming people in any way. but outright banning? man, that's just the pits. para siyang censorship during the time of the dictatorship. bawal kahit ano, lalo na kritisismo. labo.

sa upfi na lang where i work, deds na kapag may ganyang chorva. like our meetings and even thesis defense comes to a halt when majority of the faculty decides to have a yosi break, and of course we allow ourselves that, as a release and break from the work and all. hey, it's not like we're smoking marijuana or anything like that di ba? ewan. labo. sabi ko nga kay mam heidi who told me, malaking away itoooooooo. tignan na lang natin how cao will handle this one! faculty una niyang kaaway dito patay siya hahahahahah! tabako pa naman tinitira ng iba riyan. hay nakuh.. hm man, speaking of that, i miss my panatelas... makabili nga.

this smoking thing came to my mind because i was watching the season2 rerun of sex and the city earlier and the ep was the one where carrie first meets aidan and she tries to switch off smoking just because he hates smokers. something like that. sabi nga niya, how much was she willing to trade off or sacrifice for a cigarette. pero tama rin naman siya e. dapat people will accept you no matter who you are, and you just do minor alterations to fit each other's lives in a relationship. to demand for a wardrobe overhaul would be criminal. that means you went into a relationship and wanted to control your partner's everything to suit your own thing. now that is just not sound, just and correct.

sabi nga ni billy joel "don't go changing to try to please me...i love you just the way you are." now if some person told you that, how much of that is true kaya? i've seen friends do 180 degree turns just to please their mates. i, for one, used to do that in the past but thank goddess i snapped out of it. if you meet somebody whom you think you could be with but they demand so many changes from you that you won't even recognize your own self once they are done with you, man, better get the hell outta there. some friends naman were just so dying to be changed that they welcome this kind of overhaul 100 percent. again, to each their own, man. to each their own.

sometimes in order to fit into a beloved's beliefs, you change your own to suit his or hers. perhaps we could chalk it up to symbiosis, but if it becomes too much that you lose your identity, now that's just plain weird. are you willing to do that? if you ask me, after 4 major relationships in this lifetime, no. clarification: not anymore. yes, folks, i was once a sap. too much of a sap, to be exact, that's why i am doing my own overhaul. i owe my intelligence that.

i've always gone by the rent credo of "i'm looking for baggage that goes with mine" because you really cannot separate people from their past, let alone their baggage, no matter how hard they pose the opposite. but if you seek to help your partner with their baggage and attack you for it, man, that's just weird, di ba? labo nun pero i've seen many friends attacked by their mates because of that. same here.

my friends and i have been talking before about this, na ano nga ba ang deal breakers namin when it comes to relationships. iba iba ang sagot diyan, siyempre depende sa mga current nilang kasama o mga nakasama na nila before. i know jealousy is one, lack of honesty and trust is another, and of course who could ever forget non-attentiveness of the other's concerns? or downplaying other's concerns as if theirs is more important than yours. like i had this ex whom i wanted to make damay sa akin regarding a family problem, concerning my mom pa no less, and all she did was dismiss me needlessly and said that more destitute and poorer people in the philippines have bigger problems than me because these people don't have their own houses and their lands are being snatched away from under their noses blah. which got me thinking, na hey, wala rin naman akong sariling bahay a (at that time) so what the fuck? but hey, you know what happened to that relationship. i was really glad i got out of that zombie mode.

so if i find myself treading on familiar grounds again, perhaps it's time to just up and leave, right? maybe. well, let's see how much of a deal breaker this is, because it is sounding to be like one...

sad.

that's why i never believe in soulmates. my friend teta once asked us that before, what we think of that concept. i said i believed no one person has one soulmate, for i believe people have chunks of one soul embedded in them, and it's just about finding the biggest chunk of the same soul in a person. kaya it's possible they could relate to more than one person because more than one came from the same soul, or they share the same soul fragments. something like that. kaya wala yung concept na "she's the one" blah for me. if you find someone sharing the same chunk of soul with you, no matter how big or small the chunk is, it's up to you two to work things out if you belong to each other for a long time or a short time only. then you move on. kaya dapat open tayo lagi sa moving on phase and we shouldn't be stuck with the "waaah it didn't work" stage, whether moving on means finding another person or enhancing your own persona -- but i prefer the latter, actually.

pessimist as it may sound but there will always be more people who will break the deal for you rather than make the deal. that's why we shouldn't be so closeminded about meeting new people or being with other people. dapat bukas tayo sa ganung posibilidad. saka dapat lagi ang bottomline dito e improvement of one's self, kasi yan naman talaga ang tunay na bottomline, kahit ano pa man ang deal na ma-break ninuman.

RIP sir joven velasco

tragic news of the day. this just in.

my friend dang texted me if i already knew of sir joven's death. he passed away this morning, died in his sleep or something like that. which means i guess it's a cardiac arrest or something like that. tragic. sad. wake will be at his house yata tonight sa #44 aberdeen st. proj8 if you kids wanna go visit. starts at 7pm daw, according to upfi director anne, who's a good friend of his.

sir joven was the teacher of some of our generation as well as this new one i'm also teaching. he's a good teacher and the kids love him, that's because unlike some motherfucking professors out there, he is not madamot to share his knowledge, wit, humor and experience to his students. and he's also fun to be with as a colleague, as i found out later when i was already at this side of the teaching fence. saka masaya siya ka-deal when it comes to teaching stuff. in short, he is a clear team player who really wants to help the kids and the institute, unlike some motherfucking professors out there whom we just love to hate. minsan nagtataka ako bakit hindi sila ang kunin na ni lord please lang ipagnonovena ko pa yan at yung mga talagang gustong tumulong pa ang inuuna niya sa checklist niya...nakakainis. life's not fair!

hay...

something happened din sa tenure chenes niya before. he was a lecturer first who became a full-time faculty, at dapat lang dahil may K siya to be that, unlike some motherfucking professors out there. i can't seem to say that enough, can i? nakakainis kasi ang contrast e, nabubuwisit ako! or maybe this is how i deal with this certain type of grief... hay ewan.

dati kasi, nagkaroon ang sangka-akademyahan ng stupid rule na tinatawag na "up or out" meaning lahat ng guro may taning, kung hindi susunod sa ilang oppressive na patakaran. isa bilang fulltime faculty, kelangan dapat makatapos ka ng MA degree within 5 years from the date you've been hired or else ligwak ka at demote to lecturer part-time status. tapos pa, kung natapos mo naman ang MA mo, you hae 3 years naman to fulfil the criteria for getting tenure, meaning getting a permanent teaching post para di ka rin maligwak. that means submitting a creative work or publishing an academic paper in a reputable journal of writing of some kind local or international. kaloka maging guro di ba? as if ang taas ng sweldo dito sa peyups...hay.

unfortunately, naabutan si sir joven ng up or out rule na yun, at for a while he distanced himself sa institute until i told anne to persuade him to teach again as lecturer, kasi alam ko capacity niya at sayang siya and the kids love him and benefit form him greatly. so i was so happy when he agreed naman, kaya ayan lagi na siyang full load, minsan nga ino-overload ko pa upon his request din naman kasi, kasi nga he likes to teach. sinabi ko nga sa kanya one time, bakit di niya tapusin na lang din talaga yung MA na iniwan niya para maibalik namin talaga siya bilang faculty na ulit, dahil sobrang kapos sa faculty na tulad niya ngayon sa institute. natawa siya at sabi niya e tinatamad na daw siyang tapusin at saka he only has a few years left to go na lang naman daw, meaning few years na lang e retiring age na siya, ire-retire na siya kusa ng peyups kahit gusto pa niyang magturo, like what happened to mam ellen. yun din sayang yun... but she needs her rest more than anything, with her health and all. anyway...

i was talking to anne about this, even tried to make him at least a substitute faculty para maging fulltime siya, seeing na kulang sa faculty now dahil nag-leave si ed lejano and si roland aalis ulit and all, wala, ligwak din, di daw puwede because of that stupid rule thing na nakaka-influence din sa life now. hay... pero last i heard, sabi ni anne, he was actually reconsidering it, and thinking of finishing the darned MA once and for all... men, sayang. sayang talaga. minsna talaga unfair... kainis...

hay...

rest in peace, finally, sir. we'll miss you...

i know where i'm going tonight. so many friends and colleagues are already asking... what a freaking time to get together... i hate it when the reason is a wake, and the death of someone we care about... hay...

ce n'est pas juste.

sooooooooooooooo...

...tell me what you want, what you really, really want...

i wanna...i wanna...i wanna...i wanna...

wa. wa na.

wa nang papanoorin. kakatapos ko lang i-marathon ang CINEMALAYA 2007 sa peyups. kung sino man ang gumawa ng simple animation teaser ng UP Cineastes na may cinemalaya vinta boat at si oble na tumatakbo at ang cine adarna na lumilipad, award ito ati! i'm so proud of you guys. very creative.

sorry i can't say the same about your organizing. madaming nagreklamo -- at nag-blog ng reklamo nila -- during the PISAY showing. make this a part of your assessment sana and next time, mas pro tayo dapat. keri?

so sisimula na ba natin ang rebyu? minabuti ko munang panoorin lahat para creative analysis ang gagawin ko. compare and contrast baga, parang requirement ko sa klase ko, only this time, i didn't require them to do that. mas focused kami sa writing and production aspects. konti lang ang critiques. kaya yan.

*

kaya yan ang una kong tanong sa umpisa kasi parang maraming hindi malinaw sa mga entries, at sa mga winners. saka ko na uuriratin sa individual reviews ko. minsan kasi nakaka-hyper lang na sasabihin mo sa sarili mo na "HUWAAAAT! NANALO YAN NG BEST ___ AWARD???? HUWAAAAY???" o kaya tatanong mo rin ang "HUWAAAT! BAT DI ITO ANG NANALO NG BEST ___ AWARD???" medyo maraming ganun this year. pero malamang ang sagot niyan ay isa rin sa kung ano ang marami ngayong taon -- mega unholy alliances (of indie+mainstream lore) and super-strategic casting (aktres ay anak ng sino? festival director? anu daw? cebu? b?)

chos.

basta.

*

at least this year, may attempts of indie naman sa materyal at execution, unlike last year na hello, itatanong mo kung sino nga ang nag-sponsor ng mga pelikula. star? viva? unitel? e parang produkto nila e, at parang produkto ng mga CDGs nila, na pinaghirapang i-brainstorm ng mga utaw para ma-achieve ang glossy look and story. grabe lang sa pagka-mainstream last year. walang lumipad.

this year, meron naman. tulad ng may pagka-neo-realist approach ng TRIBU ni jim libiran. at ang sobrang talagang totoong true to life approach ng acting-directing sa ENDO ni jade castro. sa wakas dude, natupad na rin ang pangarap mong maging direktor! nakasama ko kasi siya some years ago sa cdg ng isang soap at napaa-distinct ng conversation namin na iyon na nilalahad niyang gusto niyang maging direktor, at saka ni-reveal niya na weird siya kasi tuwing manonood siya ng pelikula sa dvd, sinasabayan niya ng director's commentary chenes. so at least something paid off for the dude. but more of that later. congrats jade.

tuwa din ako sa mga kidz ko kasi karamihan sa kanila ay nag-participate sa paggawa ng ibang pelikula. revelation itong si cha, a brilliant feminist writer na student ko dati sa 3 classes na. lost ako sa kanya dati dahil sobra siyang shy at walang confidence sa sariling gawa pero sa totoo lang, isa siya sa mataas na bingyan ko ng grade sa script at production classes kasi maganda ang style ng bata at mas importante, may sinasabing makabuluhan. pero aktor siya ngayon dun sa TRIBU, at R-18 performance to boot. i'm glad she's coming out of her shell, finally. i hope the others like her will, too. pero huwag lang masobrahan na they end up sobrang bilib sa sarili. ang dami kasing ganun sa kanila ngayon e, naturingang sobrang bata.

pero i'm glad they also have more chances to participate these days. thanks to the boom of the music video genre and the indie full-length digi scene, mas marami na silang natututunan sa labas ng klasrum na i hope bumabalanse sa natututunan nila sa loob. minsan nga lang, naaadik sila sa labas at kinukutya na ang loob. di rin naman maganda yun. pero kanya-kanya lang priority yun, i guess... still, i wish them the best, and i hope they take care of themselves and their peers, na walang dayaan at sungitan. sa dami na ng opportunities nila ngayon, share share na dapat ang mode, di tulad dati noon sa amin at sa ibang older and slightly younger batches na kahit naturingang barkada or kaibigan, nagdadamutan, to the point of saksakan pa, figuratively speaking. kaya tignan niyo na lang sila ngayon... hay. sad lang. di na yata matatakasan na ang film dept/film school/institute na iyon ay microcosm talaga ng philippine showbiz, mainstream man o independent. as in, noon hanggang ngayon.

oh well...

flashback lang. naaalala ko lang when we were in our final year of school noon. a bunch of them friends na paminsan-minsan e sumasama sa amin ay characterized na member ng isang elite exclusive club na sila-sila productions ang dating. ang iba sa kanila'y kilala na at may posisyon na sa creatives ng telebisyon samantalang ang iba ay nag-iba ng direksiyon at pamumuhay. kilala sila bilang raketeros. at noong 1994, rare na may mga avp rakets and all ka, kasi kokonti lang ang ganun, kaya damutan sa info ang labas ng karamihan sa kanila. at itong club na to, gumawa rin sila ng sarili nilang mga productions outside class requirements, for creativity purposes baga. wala namang prublema doon. in fact, natutuwa kami kasi at least may iba sa amin na ganun. dati kasi, kapag sobrang nangangailangan ka lang ng pera, doon ka lang raraket, hindi tulad ngayon na binabalanse ng mga bata ang raket at school. mas ginugol namin ang oras sa pag-aaral at panonood ng sandamakmak na pelikula at pag-attend sa mga art chenes to make us wholesome creative artists baga. and have fun with friends to boot. the lunch bunch! yan ang grupo ko. mas buhay pa kami sa patay na UP Cineastes noon at mas fun at aktibo sa naghihingalo at pinipilit kaming i-recruit na UP Cast noon. e kinse kaya kami, plus yung ibang minsanang sumasama from younger and older batches. so isang org na kami diba? pero keri lang. friends pa rin kaming lahat kahit iba-iba ang goals namin bilang barkadahan at individuals.

one day, they decided to open up their "membership" to other classmates. isa-isang nilapitan at kinausap ang mga chosen ones. komento ng karamihan sa amin "ano sila, diyos?" dahil nga sa namimili daw sila ng "best of the best" chenes. ako naman, i was just taking it all in stride, at natatawa lang ako kasi parang ang immature ng set-up. at saka aliw at kuntento na ko sa buhay ko noon kaya di ako bothered ng ganitong ka-showbiz-ang chenes (which actually proved as a useful training for me when i went deep into showbiz work myself -- survival jacket ko siya, up to now).

one day, their kinda "creative leader" approached me and talked to me, recruiting me. it was just so absurd i felt like we were inside a fellini film, 8 1/2 to be exact, dahil medyo surrreal na theatrical na mind-boggling siya na ewan, just like the movie. out of curiosity and just to humor myself, i asked him kung bakit ako ang isa sa napili nila. our conversation went like this, kinda, not verbatim:

SYA: i think you will be an excellent addition to the group.
ME: (natatawa) puwede bang magtanong? bakit ako napili niyo?
SYA: (napapa-smirk) come on libay, i think you know. do you need your ego boosted?
ME: (lalong natatawa) oo e, sige nga.

and he went on and on about how i have good production skills, skills behind the cam, cinematog, writing din, etc etc blah blah blah bilog bilog ulo etc.

grabe. naaalala ko lang to ngayon. napaka-surreal ng moment na iyon. i never realized how power-hungry my batchmates were at that time...and even up to now. i remember that recruiting guy when i saw him just trying to figure out why oh why i was having dinner and conversation in a long table where manay lolit solis and presidential son mikey arroyo were also seated, and right across me pa. this was years ago when i worked in a newspaper and we interviewed him after the edsa dos event. he looked like he was intrigued but in a jealous showbiz kind of way, you know? funny. little did he know that had he asked, i would have traded places with him that time, because i have had enough of storm signal number 30s by that time...sa totoo lang. not to mention the pasta of that resto sucked to high heavens. ilang beses pa kong inudyok ni manay na kumain, nahahalata niya atang di ko makain, nahiya lang ako at nagpakalango sa iced tea.

hay naku, i would have never survived that moment if i didn't use the knowledge i learned from mam malou's acting class back then: project! hehe. chos.

freshie froofroo flashback

this morning the college had its general freshman orientation program. as usual, the auditorium was filled with the freshies while the lobby was filled with their parents, guardians and what have you. this is my second year of seeing this thing.i find it great and weird at the same time.

back in the day, when i was a freshie, it wasn't like this. information wasn't spread around as fast as today, that's why you had to be extra mindful of every post, flyer or announcement your home college/department would release. word of mouth is more reliable then. now, it's not. heck, even orgmates don't communicate well with each other, much less their outer world. wala e. kakaiba na yata ang mga bata talaga ngayon. or kakaiba na ang maging bata sa panahon ngayon. masyado silang maraming resources at their disposal, marami ring tao na magbibigay ng resources sa kanila, kaya things like looking at the nittygritty of things they take for granted. how sad. is this the generation that will inherit the earth. hm. just a thought.

i think they are super spoiled. oo nga't meron diyang kasama ang mga nanay at tatay ang kahenerasyon ko pero hindi ganitong kasa-kasama kahit saan. nakakaloka lang. dati, pinagtatawanan ka sa peyups kung may bitbit kang paryentes, kaya nga pinsan ko ang binitbit ko, kasi naman mas maalam siya sa peyups dahil third year na siya nun. sensible di ba?

pero pareho pa rin ang nakikita ko sa mukha nila. katulad din ng nakita ko noon sa amin. takot, saya, kaba, excitement na pinaghalu-halo. pride na nakapasa ka, lalo na't nakapasa ka sa quota course sa first choice mong course at college. astig na pala ito pero clueless ako noon when the reg assistants were gushing about it during enrollment. well.

merong iba ngayon, nag-aastig-astigan. kinekeri kahit obvious na kabado. mas appreciate ko pa yung matanong e, talagang honest sila sa approach nila. those are the ones i tend to keep an eye on, kasi may potential.

iba na rin ang impression pala sa cmc ngayon. maingay. well, dati pa naman. pero dati, mas nangingibabaw ang isang bagay. when asked what she thought of cmc people, my fine arts friend said "hmp. kala mo mga foreigner mga tao dun ingles ng ingles." sadly, wala nang ganyan ngayon sa cmc. ibang lengguwahe na ang mga bata. gudlak kung makakita ka ng nagsasalita ng hindi nagku-code switching for 30 seconds.

pero ang gusto ko ngayon, helpful ang mga tao sa paggabay sa freshies. dati kasi patigasan talaga e. paiiyakin ka pa. pinakamalaki nilang warning: huwag tatanungin kung nasaan ang "room TBA" para di ka mapagtripan. true enuf... parang di na ito true ngayon.

*

so what was it like when i was a freshie? it was the tail end of summer and the decade just turned. the world was tuning off new wave and about to turn on to grunge. i was happily enjoying the real fresh air of the acad oval back then, months before a major earthquake hit, ruining the summer capital, and a year before mount pinatubo showered the metro with grey ash. it was snowing ash.

but that's a flash forward.

i was a mighty introverted shy skinny girl back then, a far cry from my outward persona now. as in, super far far out. nagbotohan nga yung high school friends ko to see sino sa amin ang pinaka-nagbago the most. so aside from my sexuality of course, ako ang awardee nito dahil nga sa dati, pag tumatawa ako, wlang sound. i hated recitation kasi papagalitan ka ng madre pag mahina boses mo at di ka marinig sa harap. as in, mega-quiet talaga ko. kaya nga one of my profs sa fine arts before, si castaneda, i remember telling him "sir, magshi-shift na ko sa masscom" at sagot niya "ha? e masalita mga tao doon! kelangan magsalita ka!"

yan. that was my image sa fine arts for the first 2.5 years of my peyups life -- hindi nagsasalita. at pag nagsalita, especially pag nagmura, major event. ngayon, wala, laos, sampu sampera ang pagkaingay ko at ang pagmumura bwakanang...hehe.

i came from a high school that was just starting out to bloom in population, and we were only 49 students in the batch when we graduated. there was even a time that i was seriously considering giving up peyups to study in another diliman college because most of my friends were accepted there. yeah, i was the only one in the barkada who got in. that was kinda scary. to come from a tight-knit high school and then thrown in the mega-structure of UP...man.

the thing i liked about UP was the fact that you remained anonymous. save for a few familiar faces from high school (older batches) and some GE classmates. other than that, i can sit anywhere and read or chill out with my walkman and nobody would care. that's one thing i liked about UP -- nobody cared whether you sit anywhere, provided you don't get in the way of people. actually, dala ko yan hanggang ngayon.

noon, phenomenon na rin ang maraing koreano pakalat-kalat sa campus. i don;t know if they were enrolling as exchange students like now, pero grabe lang sa deluge din to dati. minsan a korean woulds trike up a conversation with you sa sunken garden, kahit nananahimik kaming nagsa-sound trip ng fine arts classmates ko at nagwa-watercolor ng landscape plate. i remember this naughty korean boy trying to chat up my classmate who didn;t know how to brush the dude off, so i helped. nagpapakilala siya, so sabi ko "her name is suzanne." "suzanne?" sabi niya. "yeah, suzanne, suzanne vega." tawa kami lahat. syempre lost siya. sensya sya, album ni suzanne nakapasak sa tenga namin those days. pero uso na rin ang "teach korean english" rakets noon. pero ewan ko ba, i never really got to like them, until now. sorry but there are nationalities and countries na di talaga ko interesado. ewan ko kung bakit.

at saka ewan ko kung meron pa nito ngayon (parang wala na) pero may parang church group org dati na sa may grandstand ang congregation, tapos they really run after you and ask you to join their bible study. isyu dati ito na parang kulto na ang dating e. sadly, one of my high school batchmates joined this, at puta ang kulit lang niya, stalker mode. to the point na iintayin niya ko sa classroom ko after class para i-recruit sa bible study. e punyeta mahilig akong dumaan sa may sunken kasi ang booksale outlet lang sa vicinity noon ay sa vinzon's lang. kaya lagi akong biktima ng mga recruitment na yan. pero wit! magwawagi ba sila sa isang true blue agnostic! laos. dude, true blue catholic school girl rebel ini, no amount of religious blah would convert me, unless i seek it.

hm ano pa ba ang eksenang freshie ko? ay, isa pa pala, muntik na kong atakihin sa puso sa 2nd floor ng AS kasi may ale na nakaitim na duguan na naglalakad na nakatapak na naka-bestidang luray-luray... isang hapong tag-ulan pa naman. yun pala punyeta UP Repertory promo ng isang play. punyeta.

speaking of AS corridors, i hated it whenever richard gomez would pass by, sometimes with john estrada in tow. there was literally a swarm of students following them, naglalakad. as in, talagang sinusundan siya ng crowd literally. naisip ko nun "hangtatangah din pala ng tagapeyupz."

and back then, i wasn't really enamored sa kanya. kahit mas gwapingsters siya noon kesa ngayon. hm. goes to show ang tagal ko na palang lesbiyana, di ko pa alam. nuninuninu...

pero at least hindi ako nagpapa-edit ng production ko sa mga tao sa network dibahhhh...hehehe. among other stories.

ang gusto kong ka-batch si harlene bautista. kasi tahimik lang din siya. at nang makainuman ko minsan, ma-angst na artist na tao pala. keri. hm, sabagay lahat naman yata sila sa teatro noon ganun. at least nag-mellow down na sila.

*

first time kong pasukin ang cine adarna, then known as film center, ay dahil required kaming panoorin ang PRIVATE SHOW ni chito rono. fell in love with jaclyn jose's talent, and first time to watch a movie like that, with pure unadulterated skin and movements. hayep. wala na ang virgin eyes...

first time ko ring makakita ng nakalundoy na mga patotoy sa stage play ni anton juan. funny how later on he'll be a friend and he'll narrate stories about how construction worker patotoys just seem to keep coming his way...aaaah too much information! but that's anton for you.

*

first time nag-lantern parade? dun ko na-feel na fine arts nga ako. we made some thingies na required plates at required iparada sa lantern parade. nakakatuwa kasi participant ka, pero nakakapagod din. and incidentally, first time ko ring ma-harass ng fratmen, who shouted bastos comments at us girls sa parade. at may tagay silang mga bote ng red horse. puwede pa kasi ang alak sa campus nun e. scared ako dun chong.

*

ang dami talagang firsts sa freshman life sa UP. yung iba traumatic, yung iba useful, yung iba nakakatawa, yung iba nakakaasar. sana lang alam pa ng mga bata ngayon kung paano idi-distinguish ang one from the other.

ikaw, what's your UP freshie memory?