tick tick... huh?

It's strange. I just finished watching Tick, Tick... Boom, Lin-Manuel Miranda's film take on Jonathan Larson's bio-stage musical. It's good, really nice. Poignant, now that you know the back story of it all, or perhaps the forward story of it. Fast-forward to his almost 36th birthday, as Rent is about to break out to become the breakout of all breakouts of that time for him. But sadly, he wasn't there to see it. Tragic.

What's strange, funny in a non-funny-haha way, and perhaps inspiring-ish, is that it's strange how I discover his work at a time when perhaps the universe wants to tell me something. Like I was, what, just a newly outed lesbian during the late '90s. Some smart dykey kiddo introduces the musical to me, in tapes, I think. Like cassette tapes. And I've never identified with any artistic work more than I did with that creation at that time -- and oh, Reality Bites, man. Well, after all, these are cultural products of my time, like Gen X time. Power to the Gen Xers, baby! That's us. That's me!

I just find it fascinating how some people are so absorbed with making it with an age deadline. Like, you know, self-imposed.

"I want to make my first million at 30!"

"I want to have my own car at 25!"

"I want to do my art before I turn 40!"

Yadda yadda yadda. You know how it is.

Such an obsession with age. And this race against age. What's up with that? I never could fathom that. Or perhaps I'm one of the lucky ones who never had to. After all, some things fell on my lap during certain stages in my life that, if you look back now, indeed seemed a bit... ahead. Of my time? Nah. Just... maybe ahead. Or like, I dunno... Nauna akong nakarating doon bago ang iba. Bago ang lahat? Hindi naman.

Well, hindi naman kasi ako obsessed sa age race na ito, to begin with. Or even career race, as well. Like back in film school, UP CMC Film Dept pa lang noon, I had friends, classmates, who were already hell-bent on their career track even before we graduated. Heck, they already ACTED the goddamn part even before we left the campus, you know. Like ang angas na, ang snob na, ang diva na, ang attitude na. Sure, there's something to admire with these people. But I question the way they pave their paths kasi. I don't believe in stepping on other people just to get your way. So I ceased being friends with the likes of these. Them. Medyo marami sila, eh. Eh ang lola mo, nag-segue.

Sure, we were all film majors. But I also developed this sudden talent to write. Well, not that I haven't been doing this sort of thing. I was doing some things back in high school. I've long been writing journals back when it was still not icky to call them diaries. I mean hey, after all, Anne Frank set the bar high, y'know. Rest in power.

So with this writing thing, not that I was a newbie or an overnight sensation. Heck, I cringe and shiver at the thought of being regarded nga as a sensation... even if that was what happened during my turn at the UP National Writers' Workshop in Baguio, my first literary workshop ever, back in '97. A year after Rent debuted on Broadway, at wala pa akong kamalay-malay sa kanya. March 'yung sa Baguio, so I was what, 23 pa lang mehn. I entered two short stories in Filipino, one about this someone committing suicide, and the other is a children's story about environmentalism. The second one was okay, it was supposed to be my film thesis back in MassComm, pero na-reject. So I turned the script into a short story instead. Pampadagdag lang actually sa submissions, because they needed two to workshop. I only had that one, the more controversial one, "Si Joe Cool Kasi."

Do you know how controversial that was? You know, you had the likes of Dr. Jing Hidalgo, theater stalwart Anton Juan, I think national artist NVM Gonzales, feminist writer Lilia Quindoza-Santiago, sino pa ba andun? Basta, ang dami ng panel eh, people I just met at that time, kasi wala naman ako sa literary circle, malay ko ba. Galing showbiz lola mo, so sina Ms. Boots Anson Roa ang mga nakakakila sa akin, mga ganyan, galing sa showbiz work ko sa Premiere Productions. 

So this is what went down. Hindi ugali sa workshop na alam kung ano and gawa nino. Pseudonyms kami lahat, para objective ang analysis. Big reveal lang kapag 2nd week at 2nd work mo na yung wino-workshop, saka pa lang magpapakilala. Tapos puwede ka nilang tanungin about your work. Eh kasi sa sobrang baffled sila sa naratibo ko, may gusto silang malaman. So it required revealing the author na. Excited kasi ang discussion. The story is about a person who committed suicide, and she was talking to someone na pinagbilinan niya sa suicide note, a best friend, pero di siya naririnig o nakikita. Now the way the story went, hindi mo alam if multo ba siyang nagmo-monologue na di nakikita ng iba or what. And then it led to the discourse na baka naman hindi dalawang tao ito, kundi iisa lang. Aha! Tatalino mag-isip ano? So sila-silang literary greats, they were debating the merits and details of my narrative. Man, I tell ya, debating! Ang init lang ng usapan grabe! At sabi nga nila, magpakilala na ang author para malinawan silang lahat dahil walang makakatulog sa gabi kakaisip hahahahahaha. So I did. Tapos nagpalakpakan sila grabe. Nakakaloka. I can't forget that moment, ever. Sobrang... kakatuwa. Kaka-humble. Kaka-proud. Ewan. Basta. 

Suffice it to say that that Baguio event was a big turning point for me. It somehow legitimized that I can be a writer pala -- of literature. I mean, sure, my film teachers have always praised my stuff, the biggest and maybe one of the earliest compliments I got for my writing was in scriptwriting class. And then I got picked pa for a special advanced screenwriting workshop sponsored by the French Embassy. I thought scripting for film and TV would be my world. Medyo-medyo, later, oo. Pero may pivot muna pala sa literatura.

At the age of 23 pala, napuri ako ng mga literary greats, na hindi ko pa alam na greats pala sila. I was elated and humbled at the same time. At 23. And I never really pegged my age to be important then. Basta andun ako, in the here and now, enjoying the space, absorbing the events, relishing the learnings communicated my way. Ang saya, ang sarap, nakaka-proud. Na may kaya kang gawin sa sarili mo, without connections, and to be praised for your work -- lauded, even -- oh man, 'yun pala pakiramdam ng jackpot.

But wait, there's more! Meron pa pala. Big reveals.

Pivotal talaga ang 1997. So siyempre nag-Abril, ang 23 naging 24. At ang Marso na-fast forward sa Setyembre, September 1 to be exact, ang laging araw ng award-an ng Don Carlos Palanca Memorial Award for Literature. Malay ko ba kung ano 'yun. Well, oo, the year before, alam ko na. I submitted a script, try try lang. Saka some chaka-chaka poetry, juvenile stuff. Try try lang. Olats. Eh nitong 1997, sinali ko itong dalawang na-workshop sa Baguio. People encouraged me to enter them, so I did. Pero ang mas gusto ko talang prize eh sa scriptwriting category, kasi nga alam ko yun ang strength ko. Pero lo and behold, maikling kuwento category pala ang kokorona sa akin. Pareho silang nakasungkit ng premyo. Third prize pareho. Keri lang. Di naman kailangang first. In this world kasi, a Palanca is a Palanca is a Palanca. By any other position would smell as sweet. Hahaha sorry Shakespeare, pa-plagiarize kay Juliet.

So I was an adult, and I won two Palancas na. All before I turned 25. So major achievement pala 'yun. I didn't know, man. Like I said, I never put stock in this age race in my life. No biggie. But then, a year later, ewan kung nag-25 na ba ako nun or what. Oo yata, nag-birthday na ko. Sinali ko naman ang isang full-length script sa annual FDFPI screenwriting compet. 'Yan 'yung ang tawag na ngayon ay FDCP, 'yung office ni Liza Diño now. One of the 10 honorable mentions, out of hundreds that regularly apply. Again, accolades. At age 25. And it was at that awarding ceremony that I outed myself to my mom. Well, push and pull, man. But that's for another post.

Again, ayan, edad na naman. So 25 na ko. May awards na ko, paano ba 'yan. Tapos mga year 2000 I finally had my script work aired on TV. Epol/Apple, sa Dos. It felt nice. Y2K, turn of the century ba, the millennium eklavu, basta. I turned 27 then. I can legit call myself a scriptwriter na, paid at that. Then I quit that to pursue a newspaper job. A friend referred me to an opening, a pivotal one pala na madidiskubre ko na lang later how, parang 'yung pagpasok ko sa literary world na wala akong kakila-kilala sa kanila pa. Ito naman, what, I was 27, 'til 28. I became the entertainment editor of a small tabloid-size newspaper called Pinoy Times, owned by PDI founder Eugenia Apostol. And then nag-EDSA Dos. The paper had a role there, if you remember your Erap impeachment senate hearing case chuva. Yes, children, parte ako sa dahilan, ish, kaya napatalsik si Erap sa Malacañang hahaha. Sorry not sorry. Plunderer eh. Hay, Pilipinas kong minumutya... but that's another post again.

Again, babalikan na naman natin ang edad. Late twenties na pala ako, pero di ko naman masyadong naramdaman. Nakatungtong na ako ng trenta, the big 3 0 na much celebrated ng iba, much dreaded, or much whatever. Much ado about nothing naman for me. Ewan ko ba. Sabi ko sa inyo walang rele itong age race na ito eh. I'm just glad things happened the way they did in my life. Saka ko na babasahan ng iba pang theoretical analysis kung ano ang naging epekto sa akin niyan regarding professional and personal ties, relationships, and stuff like that. Meron, actually, now that I'm plotting it like this, na about and around the age race thing, thanks to Jonathan Larson's Tick Tick lintik na muni-muni. Ayan, napa-recall tuloy ako ng sarili kong boom booms ng life.

So yeah, ang bagets pa pala nun, no? Come to think of it. At 23, at 25, at 27. Every two years may ganap, beh! Hanep no. Tapos ang susunod nang ganap ay yung sa pagtuturo na. Aughts na rin, 2005 to be exact. That same year kinulit-kulit ako ng mga leche kong kabarkada noong college na magdirek sa Siyete daw. Kasi nasisita na sila ng accounting hahaha. Puro sila-sila ang nasa payslips, director slash writer slash EP slash AP whatever. So I reluctantly agreed to take it on. Bakit ba. Wala namang mawawala. Not that I haven't been directing anyway. Dami ko nang na-direct na docu saka AVP as rakets back then. So TV directing is just another form. Gorabels.

So again, back to that age race. Ilang taon na ba ko nung nagdirek ako? If 2005, that's 32. The same age and year I became a university professor with the lowest ranking ever: instructor. Naabot ko naman ang pagiging assistant prof, pero hindi ko rin naman hangad yung mga title-title na yun. Gusto ko lang namang magturo, ganun lang kasimple ang objective eh. Yung ibang tao pala kasi sa akademya, as I found out, iba ang obsession. Full professor, merit promotions, chenes chenes. Siguro keri lang sila dun, kasi dun tutok ang career nila. But I never really sought out to be that kasi e, you know. Just like how the trajectory of my so-called career came. I go where I feel like going, or where the universe nudges me towards, tanggap lang nang tanggap, trial and error. Masaya naman eh, basta kumikita ako ng pambayad sa Meralco at rent, gora. Basta may makabuluhan akong naiko-contribute sa mundo dahil sa trabaho ko, gora. Ganun lang naman eh. Unlike my film classmates na hell-bent. Ayan, at that age, thirtysomethings na kami, may ulcer na, may sakit sa kidney, sa kung saan pa, naoperahan, etc. Mga stress-related sicknesses. Media life pressures. Mga sickening paths to stardom. I don't wanna even go there. Ibang post na lang din yun. Basta in short, ayoko ng naging buhay nila. Kahit mga naging direktor eklat eklat sila. Di naman yun ang aim ko anyway.

Ngayon ko nga lang napapagtanto na ang big deal nga pala when you frame achievements via age, no? Pero OA lang kasi yung obsession dito. Mga 20 under 20, 30 under 30, mga linshak na countdowns na ganyan sa mga glossies. Kakatawa. Well, okay lang naman ako sa mga crucial pivots ng life ko. So marami-rami na rin pala akong naabot at narating sa murang edad pa lang. Ngayon ko lang nakikita nga how big of a deal it was. At 23, 25, winning awards. At 27, 32, being in mainstream media. Kakaiba, no. Kakaiba.

Kaya siguro ang petiks lang ng pakiramdam ko now, at 48. Dalawang kandirit na lang, half a century na ko, pare. Pero wala naman akong hinahabol pa. Wala akong obsession. Yung iba naman, may mga obsessions pala na being the first naman. Na again, it doesn't really matter to me. The first lesbian to do this do that. The first woman to be like this like that. The first Pinay to achieve this achieve that. Ewan ko ba, sa inyo na 'yan. Sino ba nagsabing may karera ang buhay, at dapat nating unahan ang isa't isa? Like that age race, I never could really fathom this race to be the first at something. May contest, teh? I didn't get the memo.

Basta ako, chill lang. I'm zen, I'm happy. Be nice. Be kind. Magkaiba 'yun ha. Exist within, reverberate throughout. Ganun lang. Waves. Comes and goes, crests and troughs. Try to surf life. Hang ten lang lagi. Sana. Sure, may wipeouts. Pero natututo ka kasi for the next steps, for the next waves. So it comes, and it goes, and it comes again, and it goes again. But you're still there, breathing, alive. And free.

So, may idadagdag pa ba ako sa roster, now na may nahakot na naman pala ako sa buhay regarding age-pegged accolades and milestones? Hm, petiks lang. Bago ako umalis ng peyups nga pala, after teaching for 8 years, na-bestow-an lola mo ng titulo ng UP System: Artist 2. Na dapat 2010 na award siya, pero 2011 ata dumating dahil delayed, o 2012 na nga yata. So sige, sabihin na nating 2012 ang awarding. Anong ganap? I was 39 na at that time, UP Artist II pare. Biggie ito sa system, so keri na rin. Then a year later, before turning 40, I up and left hahaha. Without a kabog. Kapag puno na ang salop, sabi nga kasi ni FPJ dati. Layas na lang ang queen of walkout hahaha. But that's for another post again.

Nang lumipas ba ang 40, may bagong ganap pa ba? Oo naman, may pahabol pa pala si universe na di ko naman namalayan, damay lang ba. Mga 2014 pala yun, a year after my short stint sa Rappler, na-award-an pala 'yung trabaho ko dun. Damay lang sa accolades, Spark Media Excellence eklavu. I didn't even know may ganun. Sinali ng mga bagets ang brand marketing campaign na pinangunahan ko doon. Again, di ko rin naman hiningi 'yun. Pinasubok lang sa akin ni Maria Ressa nung pumunta ako dun para interbiyuhin siya for the CCP Encyclopedia of Arts, isa siya sa toka ko sa raket na 'yun. Matagal na kasi akong binebenta sa kanya ng common good friend namin, as a lifestyle and entertainment beat editor dapat, papabukas pa lang si Rappler baby niya. Di naman naganap. Pero yun nga, that time na pinuntahan ko office niya, humingi ng tulong si ati. Alam niya yatang feminista rin ako tulad ng friend namin, eh ganun yung campaign, tapos lifestyle pa, women empowerment. Attend daw ako ng event and tingnan ko lang if bet ko. Pina-meeting ako sa mga bagets in-charge doon sa campaign. Attend naman ng event si bakla, gora naman ng meeting si bakla, getlak naman ng project si bakla. Sayang, raket eh hehe. Saka ganda ng bayad so go! Kaya after my peyups titser life, balik media ang raket ulit. And I couldn't be happier.

O e teka, anong edad na ko nun sa Rappler? If 2014, alam ko nag-birthday na ko, nasa somewhere in Samar-Leyte ako for a Typhoon Yolanda book project, tawag mga bagets, winsung daw kami sa somewhere sa Singapore awards eklat. O siya, teynks for the FYI. Kakatungtong ko lang ng 40 nung hinila ako ni Maria sa baby niya, so 41 ako nung nanalo kami ng something something. Ewan, nasa LinkedIn ko yung details, tingnan niyo na lang hehe. Pero ayan, oo, wala pa ring humpay, may humabol pa pagtungtong ng kuwarenta. Kahit di na bagets, may nagegets pa rin. Kereh.

O ayan na. Age race, age milestones, chenes chenes. May hihingin pa ba ko? May ipagdarasal pa ba sa universe? Wala naman. Mga bonus naman na kasi yang mga ganyan ganyan sa buhay, award award. Kaya kuntento naman ako. Happy kaya ako sa life stages ko, kuntento ako sa life journey ko. Hits and misses, I won't trade them for anything. Choose your own adventure ito, eh. Lifelong. And I'm liking the trajectory, so far, of my narrative arc of life. Maganda ang plotting, pasado kay ma'am hahaha. Char.

Siguro ang aim na lang ng life now, na tatapak na tayo sa tapwe, ay ang yumaman hahaha. Doesn't hurt to ask! And it doesn't hurt to have it. It's security, baby! Sa totoo lang, yung nagsabi na money doesn't buy you happiness, tanga lang niya at di niya alam kung paano mag-spend hahaha. Not in a materialistic way, hey. Basta. But that's for another post na lang din. Hahaha daming digressions ihhh. Bakit ba. Blog ko to eh. So there.

Anyway, konting tumbling na lang, Abril na. Tapos 49 na ko. O di ba, itong Tick Tick Boom eh 29 si bakla na nag-a-a-angst sa buhay, kesyo wala pa siyang nagagawa sa buhay, samantalang si Stephen Sondheim daw eh 27 nung unang lumabas yung obra niya eklavu, West Side Story nga ata yun. Ewan. Age obsession, is it an American thing? Now that it's like 20 years apart kami muling nagtagpo, 29-49, ano na ang ganap, koya? Napaisip ako sa mga nilalaman ng musika niya, nilalahad ng kuwento niya, pinapakita ng pangarap niya. Na ang bottomline ay: hindi libreng mangarap. Kailangan mong paghirapan. Siyempre, hard work naman talaga ang susi sa lahat. Pero kasi iba yung minamadali mo sarili mo. Parang ang stressful lang nun. Nagpa-panic siya sa pagiging 30 and wala pang ganap. Well, kanya-kanya na lang tayo ng tahak, beks. I'm happy with my trajectory. Sa totoo lang, nakaka-relate ako sa sitwasyon mo sa Nueba York noon. Been there been that! LOL. Pero at some point, we need to grow up. And I'm glad I did.

I have a secret. Aaminin ko na, na nung pinapakinggan ko ulit ang Rent in my 40s, you know whose musings made more sense now to me than anyone there? Yung vini-vilify nilang si Benny.

What happened to Benny

What happened to his heart

And the ideals he once pursued...

Kanta mo nga. Pero alam mo, his idea made the most sense!!! That concept of the cyber arts building? That was golden!!!

You want to produce films and write songs?

You need somewhere to do it!

It's what we used to dream about

Think twice before you pooh-pooh it

You'll see boys

You'll see boys

You'll see - the beauty of a studio

That lets us do our work and get paid

With condos on the top

Whose rent keeps open our shop

Di baaaaaa. Parang matagal ko nang pangarap yan, isang building na may business para sa mga biyaning: may mini-sinehan, cafe, tugz-tugz club, self-service laundromat, a 7-11 hehe, tapos nakatira ka sa taas, penthouse. Langya. I swear, nung narinig ko ulit ito, I caught myself saying... ang tatanga naman ng mga whiny 'Muricans na 'to hahaha. Nanglilimahid na kayo ihhhh, di pa ba mag-iisip kumita ng pera? Hahaha. Ewan. Pero of course, the original intention of this character and his ideas is not lost naman sa akin. Para lang itong nung pinanood ko ulit from season one ang Sex and the City nung mga late 30s na yata ako. Muntik ko nang batuhin ang TV at nabubuwisit ako kay Carrie hahaha na parang, ayan kasi, labo mo teh, gaga ka eh, arte-arte, kaya urong-sulong sa yo si Big. Hahahahaha naintindihan ko na si Big!!! Eh kung kalukadidang ko rin kasi si Carrie, malamang binato ko ng sapatos yan sa inis at sa arte hahahaha. Binato ng Blahniks niya hahaha kainiz. Hay. Ewan. Life.

Yeah, I grew up. I freaking grew up. That's life. My life.

Anyway, it's nearly 4am as I wrap this up. I closed up shop at 11ish kasi, had dinner after that, decided to watch a movie para ma-digest ang food before I sleep, kaya nag-ending tayo kay Academy Awardee filmie na iti. Tick Tick nga. Infernez kay lolo mong Lin, maganda nga siya. Dazurv ang noms. So abangan na lang natin next week ang resulta.

Kaya heto, napasulat ako ng muni-muni, kahit near 2am na, dapat natutulog na ko. Eh may nasundot sa utak ko itong pelikula, sa puso pati, sa diwa at kaluluwa lalo. Kaya heto tayo, tumitipa.

At oo, kahit para doon lang, maraming salamat, JL. Tagal ko nang di nagtitipa nang matagal, nang mahaba. May nag-udyok din nung isang araw. Nasusugan lang ulit ngayon. So perhaps I really needed to see that film at the time I did. I don't know why. Again, perhaps the universe is telling me something. What it exactly is, is a mystery I'm happy to leave at that, for now -- a mystery.

And hey, if you're still here after all this, thanks for reading.

Nyt world.

Ang pilosopiya ng "Puwede Na" o "Puwede Pa Pala"

Minsan, bilang mga nilalang na madalas malinlang -- kagagawan man natin o hindi ang dahilan -- nahuhulog tayo at naiiwan sa ilang pilosopiya ng buhay na maaaring nakakapilay sa kilos natin o nakakaparalisa sa diwa. Mula sa malalaking bagay hanggang sa pinakamaliit, minsan may mas nananaig na isipin: "puwede na 'yan" o "puwede naman pala 'yang ganyan" o kaya'y "puwede pa pala" o "puwede pa" depende sa sitwasyon at larangan.

Tulad halimbawa nito, noong nagpapalit ako ng sapin sa mesa kung saan ako nagtatrabaho sa araw-araw ngayon. May malaki akong rainbow flag na pinabili ko pa sa kapatid ko sa California, ang alam ko, dahil matagal na ito at hindi pa uso ang Pride March bazaar nung bagong lipat ako dito sa condo ko mga 11 years na ang nakakaraan. Oo tama, 11 years, birthday ko sa espasyo ko nga pala ngayong buwan, dahil ito ang naaalala kong buwan ng turnover/paglipat ko dito: October 2008.

Archival kalkal: 

Ang orihinal na espasyo ng tipahan, at ang ilang eksperimentong 

paglaladlad ng bahagharing bandila sa may bintana. 

Na may pakyut na mukhang butchy sa baba riyan ay 

minor detail na lang. [Marikina life circa early 2010s]

Kaya mga late 2000s ko nakuha ang una kong malaking rainbow flag, na may kasamang rainbow peace flag din na sa sala ko nilalagay. Pinalaba ko muna itong peace flag dahil ten thousand years ko na siyang nakakalimutang ipalaba. Kaya sa lugar niya, dito ko nilagay muna ang isang magandang habi tapestry gawang Narda na nabili ko sa Baguio mga magsasampung taon na rin ang nakaraan. 

Habi ng Narda sa Baguio, na sabi ng ilang kaibigan ay huwag 

na raw suportahan dahil may labor issues ang kumpanyang kilala 

sa ganitong larangan. Sana naman wala nang problemang ganun ano. 

Sayang naman sila. Anyway, nabili ko ito mga 2011 yata 

nung dumaan ako dun pabalik mula Sagada yata. 

Sometimes memories fail me but life details remain etched 

in my being. Puno siya, na rainbow-ish, kaya sakto 

sa akin. [Marikina 2019]

May isa pa akong malaking pride flag na nabili ko naman noon sa Malate na Pride March. May entrepreneurial tomboys na gumawa ng booth sa Orosa-Nakpil na kanto kaya kumuha ako ng isa. Naaalala ko ang taong iyon dahil iyon ang unang tanong gamit ko ang DSLR kong bagong bili. Debut siya sa pride nun. Kaya magaganda din ang kuha ko sa taong iyon.

Archival kalkal: 

Ito 'yung flag mula Malate, sa dati kong opisina sa Peyups 

ko nilagay nung nagtuturo pa ko doon. Bago mag-Xmas party ito, 

cowboy daw costume ng departamento namin kaya ayan, 

Brokeback Mountain ang peg. [UPFI circa early 2010s]

Tapos mga dalawang Pride March ago yata, basta nung unang sampa sa Marikina ng parada, bumili ako ng lesbian pride flag naman. Ito 'yung gradations of pink na flag. Nilagay ko rin kasama ng habing Baguio. Sila muna ang nasa pader ko sa sala-kusina.

Tanaw ng pahingang mapayapa sa diwa. [Marikina 2019]

Tapos ngayon, eto nga. Naghahanap ako ng puwedeng sapin sa mesa, at naisipan kong gawin itong pride flag bilang tablecloth. Ito ang sinasabi kong "Puwede naman pala" kaya ayan na siya. Sa mga napagpilian, isa ang nailagay, at itinago muli ang isa. May mas maliit kasi akong rainbow flag na binili din sa Marikina Pride March kaya ito ang nakasabit sa Rainbow Writing Room ngayon. Kaya ibang gamit muna ang mga dati.

Kaya kadalasan, hindi naman kailangang gumastos at bumili nang bumili. Kapag nagdadaan ako sa mga mall sa bandang house stuff, nakaka-tempt kasing bumili nang bumili ng mga bagong bagay, mga magagandang disenyo, o mga bagong gamit. Pero minsan, ang mga lumang gamit ay may gamit pa rin naman, kaya di rin sila dapat agarang tinatapon o tinatago lang. Minsan, kailangan mo lang sigurong magkalkal ng mga natatagong bagay-bagay sa mga sulok ng kabinet o lalagyan, at may makukuha kang kung anu-ano na puwede mo pang gamitin sa buhay. 

A gathering of Puwede Pa stuff in life. 

Rearrange. [Marikina 2019]

Siyempre, marami ka na ring mga bagay na puwede nang itapon, dahil hindi na sila puwedeng gamitin pa sa kung anumang kadahilanan. O ayaw mo na silang nasisilayan pa. 

Hindi dahil sa "puwede na" ang napipili mo ay mababaw na ang kaledad ng bagay o gawain na iyon. May iba't ibang uri ng pagka-puwede na ng ibang bagay kasi. Ang pinaka-ayoko dito ay 'yung trabahong tamad na "puwede na 'yan, submit mo na" na madalas kong sermon sa mga estudyante ko dati. Iba ito sa deklarasyong "Puwede!" kung saan hindi mo inaakalang ang nagawa mo pala ay may benepisyo o ganansiya, X-factor kumbaga, kaya kahit ikaw mismong lumikha ay nagulat sa nagawa mo. Kaya iba ang "Puwede!" na iyon kaysa sa "Puwede na..." na pilosopiya. 

Kaya ngayon, bago magtrabaho, nakahanap pa ako ng paraang "Puwede pa pala" ang ilang bagay na nakatago lang sa dilim dito sa bahay, mga akala mo'y di mo na muling mailaladlad dahil wala nang pagkakataon. Iyon lang din pala ang nakadikit sa pilosopiyang "Puwede pa pala" -- ang mabigyan lang ng panahon at pagkakataon ang ilang bagay na akala mo'y patapon na dapat. Puwede. Puwede pa. Puwede pa pala.

Parang buhay at pag-ibig lang naman din 'yan, di ba. Ay, puwede pa palang maging masaya sa buhay. Ay, puwede pa palang ganito o ganun ang relasyon pero may konting iniba lang, pero puwede pa. Ay, puwede rin palang gawin ang ganitong trabaho dati sa bagong kalakaran ngayon, puwede na rin. 

Puwede, puwede pa. Ang isa palang kakabit niyang konsepto ay adjustment. Puwede na, adjust ka lang ng konti -- o ng malaki. Puwede pa ito, adjust ka lang ng slight or with all your might dahil may kakapusan ka sa resources o may sentimental value kasing nakadikit sa ayaw mong bitawan. Puwede na 'yan -- kasi ayaw mo nang mag-adjust pa dahil di mo na kaya o wala ka nang maitutulak pa. Puwede na rin -- kasi tinatamad ka nang mag-adjust at maghanap ng alternatibo kaya touch-move na 'yan kung chess ang laro ng buhay. Puwede pa pala -- kasi ayaw mong mag-adjust sa bago kaya hawak mo pa rin ang luma, may silbi man ito o wala na. 

Sa lahat ng uri ng "Puwede na" dito, iisa lang ang nangingibabaw: na ayaw mo pang sumuko, ayaw mong sukuan ang isang bagay o sitwasyon o trabaho o tao. Puwede pa eh, kaya tuloy lang ang gamit, ang larga, ang interaksiyon. Tuloy lang. Dahil parang buhay, tuloy-tuloy lang ang andar nito, sumabay ka man o hindi, handa ka man o hindi. So, sino ang mag-a-adjust, sabi nga ng isa Ms. Universe meme. Ikaw ba, o ang mundo? Tanungin mo si Miss U.

Catch up on your missed Pinoy memes in this post, 

where I got this pic. Google mo na bakla, 

ikaw na mag-adjust.

Kaya gusto ko rin ang pilosopiya ng puwede, dahil hindi ito agarang nagsasabi ng oo o hindi. Nasa gitna kumbaga, parang puwede pang isipin o puwede pang isali. Under consideration. Hindi siya agarang nega, dahil may kakabit siyang pag-asa, katiting man o ga-higante. Gray area of life, 'ika nga. And also, gray area for being, for existing. It's ironic how sometimes, life is more colorful to exist within these gray areas, because things have this tendency to be shaded or tinted toward a different look: dagdagan mo ng puti, tinted lighter. Kung itim, shaded darker. Parang mindset lang din, di ba? Grays. Puwede nas. Same same.

Kaya sige, gora lang, larga lang, life. Okay na ako dito sa grays, basta huwag lang mabalik sa lalim ng mga kadiliman.

Kape na, rainbow.

the glad of small things

Forgive me, Arundhati Roy, for paraphrasing your novel title for my blog post title, but there's no other phrase that encapsulates this moment right now for me.

As I posted on Instagram, I do not want to be one of those assholes who always complain about not being able to write any shit, because of certain "requirements" they may need in their writing life. I have acquaintances who are like this: 'yung kailangang maayos ang desk, bago ang wallpaper sa desktop ng laptop, naka-program ang meditative music, may sinding scented candle/incense sa room, sealed shut for silence, walang tao sa paligid, etc. etc. etc. This list goes on, depending on the person. Kanya-kanya na lang tayo ng arte, of course, and I know walang basagan ng trip. Pero iba kasi 'yung laging nagrereklamo at naglalagay ng self-obstacles na ganito (na requirements daw) tapos walang nagagawang pagsusulat ni isang pahina ang ending. 

I know this all too well because I was also like this before, but I think I had minimal needs than some of my more demanding colleagues. I recall those times in my earlier independent living life when the only requirement I wanted to have was a desk in front of an open window where I could see the blue of the sky, some greens of tree leaves, and whatever else is there on the land beneath the two. It didn't even have to be elevated, that room, and being on the ground floor was fine for me. 

There were times when I only got the desk in a stuffy room without a window, and my nights turned into days since sa gabi ako nakakapagsulat, powered by this new concoction back then known as Starbucks frap. There were times that I got the window, too, but the view was utterly limited, and in between slivers of glass they funnily called jalousies (Like are you jalous with da view? Cheret!).  And there was even a woebegone time when I indeed got the desk, the big window with the sky view and the trees of the neighbors were right in front of the wall and all, but on the other side of that wall, in between those trees planted on the house beside mine, there's the maniacal idiot son of my landlady who practices shooting his fucking live pistol with live fucking bullets. So siyempre, isara ang bintana para hindi ka ma-TV Patrol mamayang alas-sais dahil sa namatay ka sa ligaw na bala, no? Tengene that. Those were the fucking days talaga, I swear.

But this, now? No. I'm glad. I'm glad that this "small thing" I "require" of life is already here, always within my reach. And in the 10 years that I have been staring at this space, I indeed feel bad that I have had moments when I felt that this wasn't enough.

Aren't you fucking glad na walang snow sa Pilipinas???
 I know I am! Hugs to my North American east coast
friends and relatives who could use some sun in their life
these past weeks. Stay warm! 

I guess it's true, what they say about people, then, once we get what we want, we tend to be more ambitious and aim for the bigger things. In certain circumstances, this is an admirable action. But in some, maybe we have to be reminded that we should also be grateful enough that we have what we have, at this moment in time. For life will never really reveal to us what's the next scene coming, much more if we're cast in that scene. So better have a go at it, this current scene, embrace it while you still can, and settle for what you've got at the moment, to do what needs to be done.

I've been feeling these things the past few days because I also got affected by the films I've been seeing lately. I've been watching the Academy Awards nominated films and there were some there that featured the lives of writers. What particularly got to me was the author Lee Israel's life, as played by Melissa McCarthy, the comedian who wasn't funny here, because Lee's story is downright gut-wrenching -- at least for a writer like me who can sympathize, empathize, relate and feel with her and her situation.

Brilliant writing deserves the Oscar nomination for best adapted screenplay.
Galing din ni Melissa dito umarte, deserved that acting nom din.
It's about this real-life writer, a biographer, who was running low on funds,
so she started forging fake literary memorabilia, writing letters na kunwari
sinulat ng mga sikat na tao like Dorothy Parker and other celebs.

That's her original writing nook. It's literally a nook, no?
No windows or anything like that.
Lamp at typewriter lang, buhay na.

I've always thought that it's a romantic concept to be living in New York with your own apartment and be a writer at the same time. But the New York writer life I've been seeing in some films is downright depressing. Why is that??? It's certainly not New York's fault, is it? Or maybe I'm just being naïve about this, and their individual situations. Of course I am. Kaya nga romantic ang peg, di ba?

Para lang siguro 'yang mga past moments of let's-give-up-Manila-and-move-to-a-more-artistic-place moments that I also felt together with some friends, or they felt it and na-infect ako. Like ever since I became a U.P. Writing Workshop fellow back in 1997 sa Baguio, it has always been Baguio for most of us. Wow sarap dito magsulat, lamig, daming pine trees, nakaka-inspire and all that chereret. Nung naging fellow naman ako ng National Writers Workshop nina Ma'am Edith Tiempo sa Dumaguete, nag-iba rin ang ihip ng chika. Wow ang laidback lang dito cool mehn sarap lang magsulat ng tula at kuwento game hithit pa more blah. Of course, I have to mention that these thoughts were uttered by us when we were in our twenties. Madali pang magkaroon ng ganitong thoughts given that age.

But as I grew older, the temperament also changes, as expected. When I got this condo joint, it was really swell. That was 2008, and life was also taking me to many places -- including California and yes, New York, too. I once thought of abandoning this place to uproot myself, for many reasons other than writing, but as we now know it, that never happened, of course.

I'm still here.

But there were times when I had to hibernate away from this place, too, and that's quite understandable. There was that time I got allergic to sunsets here, of all things ba naman. Imagine that. So siyempre, naghahanap ako paminsan-minsan ng ibang location kung saan puwedeng mag-moment anew.

I don't know why, but being in front of a beach helps me think clearly and helps me finish manuscripts faster, too. I was in my thirties already when I felt this, and actually did this, when I spent some time going to Puerto Galera not to swim or drink and be merry, but to plant my feet on the sand while I write in a makeshift table-desk there somewhere, staring out at the open seas from time to time. That was how I was able to finish my masters thesis, a full-length screenplay, and an academic paper presentation during those times. Magnificent.

I don't really know what my forties are making me feel about such "writerly things" actually, but the window view writing mode remains. I don't really need to be here in my home to do that, too. In fact, I love the concept of "coffice" or "cofficing" where you work in a café with a window view somewhere, and lately, co-working spaces also need to have that requirement if I am to work there in those spaces. 

I guess it just really boils down to taming one's temperament, just to get things done. I realized that I have actually turned into one of those asshats indeed, those I chided for being too maarte in their requirements, not realizing that it's happening to me, too. Hay naku Bayli.

Well, I'm choosing. Now. I'm great with being here, in front of this view, too. But I'll be mixing up some views once in a while, too, just to shake off monotony that inevitably seeps in. Good enough deal, yeah? Yeah.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, it's high time to go back in there and write.

WRITE!

Just don't rain on my parade, ayt?
 I don't wanna be S.A.D.-ish again.
Or anymore.

missing windows

I missed my window for coffee today.

Over ice, near sunset.

So that's this chocolate drink I tried once, but they came out with a product that's part coffee, part chocolate milk, and part guarana. And I'm guessing it may not be as strong as the coffee I wanted to drink, but it's okay enough to consume as I work the night.

Sometimes it takes a while for me to work up the energy to work. I don't think this is about age (maybe partly) but it's like being prepared for the headspace for working on something. Especially if you're dealing with heavy development work here where your brain is the real weapon of (critical) mass emancipation, then you'll need to prep the body that houses it, and the surroundings that envelop it. So after running some errands outside, the body was kinda pooped on the inside. Rest, a bit of house cleaning, another shower, a late meal, and  then we're going back to the grind. But sometimes, the mind is still not up to it. I dunno. Sometimes, it's just like that.

There's always the option to work on other lighter things, with "lighter" being a relative term here. So maybe I'll just do that. And see where the night takes me, work-wise. Staring out at the window for a while helps, always. So I'll just do that for a while.

And blog a bit. So here we are.

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Charot.
Palubog na si juliet beks.
Magtrabaho ka na!

Have a good evening to all. Time for me to hit the salt mines. Night shift si bakla today, so gorabels.

the thank you list

In less than ten hours, I'll be passing another earthly milestone in this universe: turning 42. While I'm still freshly near the bigger milestone that is 40, I thought I'd make a quick list of things that I am grateful for, so far, in this surprisingly fantastic life I'm having.

1. Thank goddess I'm still alive.

I've had friends, colleagues, acquaintances and relatives who passed away too soon, in this lifetime. A younger cousin, a UP Baguio writer's workshop co-fellow, and lately a professor colleague who encouraged me not to leave teaching, to name a few. Why one's life journey ends while others continue remains a mystery that doesn't require us to solve. It's just like that, and so be it. 

That's why I'm thanking the universe that I remain alive up to this point. Because there was a time when I wish I weren't. I even wrote a short story about it. Hell, that short story even won me my first Palanca, you know. But those thoughts, thankfully, remain in my literature, and not in my real life. Because there's so much to live for, apparently, and so much to experience, accomplish, and feel. And I'm glad I still have the chance to do all those, now.

What an "interesting" way of reminding you about life 

than writing about death, particularly those 

lost in tragedy. Gives you another way of looking 

at life, loss, and the world between it. 

[November 2014 Yolanda book launch in Ortigas]

2. Thank you courage and kickass-ery.

I don't know where I get it, but I thank the universe that I have some form of courage to do the things I did in my life, to stay in situations when I should have left, and to leave even when others said stay. It takes guts to pick up and leave, and it takes guts to stay put as well. 

Also, there are some instances when you needed more than courage -- you needed to be kickass. So I also thank the universe for developing some kickass-ery in me, this creature who started out as an introvert in her early life. Who would have thought, pare? 'Yan ang lagi kong naiisip kapag napapaisip ako sa mga sinuong kong kung anu-ano sa buhay na ito. Glad I came out of them alive, in one piece, and sane. Not to mention fabulous, but I'm already bragging na. So stop.

Yumu-UN lola mo. Yun na! 

Courage also meant weaving in and out 

of different work industries and sectors in this lifetime,

and enjoying every bit of experience along the way.

[November 2014 At the 

UN Convention Center in Bangkok, Thailand]

3. Thank you, open-mindedness.

What I learned in the last two decades of my life is that no matter how solid you think your beliefs, principles and foundations are, there is always room to wiggle in some stuff that could enhance those beliefs, principles and foundations. And there will always be room to deconstruct some of those pillars without destroying the whole system structure. The key here is having an open mind. And boy, was my mind open or what! From job decisions to personal paradigm shifts, I don't think I could have accumulated the snippets of lessons I have if my mind were not that open to begin with. I'm glad it was. Still is! 

Open-mindedness certainly helped me answer 

the questions in last year's guesting sa show ni Kuya Boy. 

[June 2014 at ABS-CBN studios]

4. Thank you family, relatives and silent supporters

I'm also thankful that my nuclear family is still around and very supportive of all the efforts I've been doing in my life. I am extra lucky that there is no issue about being queer in my nuclear family. My mom, pop and sis get it. Some relatives get it, too. And for those relatives who don't, I'm still thankful that they're there by blood relations only, so don't force me to have friendly relations with you as well, especially if you talk about me behind my back.

And those I don't know but who cheer me on and who are supportive of the things I do, read the art I create, or are genuinely happy for me when they practice being quiet spectators of my life, thanks din sa inyo. 

Isaw date with my mum. Yum! 

[2014 somewhere in Marikina]

5. Thank you friendsheeps of all sorts

What I've learned in this life is that you can't really have a steady stream of friends that will stick with you through thick and thin. That's because they also have their own issues and struggles to mind, so sometimes they have no time, energy or effort left to mind yours. Early in this life, I've had this steady stream but once opportunities came their way, they were too eager to abandon solid trust for anything that they glorified more. Money? Fame? Power? Credentials? I don't know. I guess I invested in the wrong people early in my life, treated some friends as my chosen family, only to be hurt by them, one by one, bit by bit. 

But I think they all serve a purpose, these friends, ex-friends, soon to be friends. People appear in your life when you need to learn a lesson, need your hand to be held, need your head to be challenged, need your soul to be stabled. And if they have done their role, then exit frame na sila. Ganyan lang naman talaga yata ang mga tao sa buhay mo, may panahong kailangan na silang mag-curtain call. And for those who have been sticking for far longer than you thought they originally would, be thankful na lang na they're still there.

So thanks, you guys. Big hug from moi.

Sapphic silverbelles in the Summer capital. 

[April 2015 Baguio City]

6. Thank you, brain.

Sometimes we take it for grated that we have a fully functioning brain that was able to withstand challenges in the academic and emotional fields. Even psychological or mental. Lalo na doon siguro. Kaya buti na lang at biniyayaan ako ng ganitong uri ng utak, na kayang magproseso, tumanggap, mag-isip, mag-muni-muni, at lumikha.    

Art meets advocacy in this anthology of LGBT writings. 

Buy the book! [August 2014 UP CWS]

7. Thank you, pag-ibig.

I guess it was a lucky call to not give up on love once more at the time I did. Or maybe it's called taking another chance. Like I've said in this space, I have no problem naman with being single. But it was really nice that I was able to gamble one last time with this thing called love, to see where a new journey could lead me, hand in hand with someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated in this lifetime.

At para sa mga inibig kong di pumatok, salamat na rin dahil walang katapusang materyal ang binibigay niyo sa aking inspirasyon para lumikha. Hihihi. Char! 

Matamis. Minsan strawberry. Minsan love life.  

Madalas ako at siya. Yihiiii!

[April 2015 Baguio city market]

8. To the girl who gets it

Thank you for being The Girl Without An Agenda to being The Girl Who Gets It. Andiyan ka lang pala sa tabi-tabi ng Marikina din. Bakit ngayon ka lang dumating sa buhay ko, sabi nga ng kanta. Siyempre charot yan, kasi if you arrived during the time the universe introduced us for the first time, hindi pa hinog ang bungang matamis nating tinatamasa ngayon. Salamat sa unang halik. Unli kiss ang kapalit niyan.

Nakakatawa pero nung isang araw ko pa iniisip 'yung dati kong listahan ng kung ano ba dapat ang minimum requirements ko sa isang partner. Sa listahang ito, may tumataginting namang pumasa dati, pero nawasak din paglaon ang samahang iyon. Ang pinagkaiba siguro ng checklist na iyon noon sa ngayon ay: wala nang masyadong compromise 'yung mga answers ko ngayon. Kumbaga, mas matured na siya, mas learned, mas wise. And most of all, mas peaceful siguro. 

To check those requirements sa isang partner:
-- dapat malambing sya.
-- dapat hindi siya praning
-- dapat out siya
-- dapat koboy siya
-- dapat hindi siya classist matapobre freak kundi patient and tolerant of differences
-- dapat into the arts siya, o naiintindihan niya ang importance ng arts
-- dapat sensitive siya sa needs mo
-- dapat honest siya sa feelings niya sa yo
-- dapat matino at masarap kausap
-- dapat tanggap niya kung ano ka
-- dapat she is a woman of her word. at walang third party. kahit ex-turned-friend pa man niya yun.
-- dapat hindi siya sinungaling
-- at dapat, gagawa siya ng effort para magwork ang relationship niyo.

Ikaw lahat iyan. This time, I have a feeling na mas malaki-laki at mas profitable ang ROI ko sa investment na ito, this time around. Dahil ikaw ikaw. Kaya salamat sa pagiging ikaw. Hashtag three hearts.

My statement shirts never lie. Ever. 

[2014 somewhere in SM City North EDSA]

9. Salamat, Pilipinas.

Ilang beses na kitang inisip iwanan, sa totoo lang. Pero may certain seduction kang kumakapit sa akin. Ilang bansa na rin ang napuntahan ko, at lagi kitang kinukumpara sa kanila, for better or for worse. Pero ngayon ko lang napagtanto na masaya din naman palang nanatili ako rito. Ito 'yung bahagi ng pinasasalamatan kong courage to stay sa itaas. Kasi kahit anong nangyayari sa iyo dati at ngayon, nandito pa rin ako. At salamat na rin naman, kahit minsan ay hindi masaya dito. Ewan ko ba, pero may hindi ako maipaliwanag na bond sa iyo, pero I'm also thankful that that bond exists. Saka ko na lang ide-decipher kung ano iyon. Probably isaw at crispy pata ang main ingredients nun. And beaches. But I speculate.

Yes, it's the pata. Sankapa! 

[2014 at Livestock QC]

10. Salamat, nega.

Sabi nga ng tattoo ni Angelina Jolie, what nourishes me destroys me. Buti na lang at hindi ako ganun. Well, except siguro kung nasosobrahan ako ng pagkain ng crispy pata. Sabi rin naman ng kanta ni Regine Velasquez, you make me stronger by breaking my heart. Doon relate ako. Kasi sa dami ng hurdles na kailangang talunin sa buhay, buti na lang at long-legged ang lola mo kaya kinakaya naman. 

There's always a way of learning from bad things. In fact, it's best to learn from the bad than the good, because you get creative in thinking about strategies and ways of scrutinizing and avoiding the bad. So okay na rin at may quota ng nega na dumating sa buhay na ito. Kasi kung walang nega, hindi mo rin maa-appreciate ang positive. Kaya good vibes just the same. Saka natututo ka rin to manage the nega. Negatrons transform! na lang ang peg -- transform to be a better fighter. 

Suwerte-suwerte lang kapag nakakasapul. 

O kaya may skill na kaakibat. 

Huwag kalimutan ang bow and arrow na lang. 

[2014 at Gandiva Cafe Ortigas]

*

There are more things to be thankful for, at mauubos ang blog na ito kung ililista nating lahat. But for the magic 42, this will do. 

For now.

See you on the other side. 

 Ang life parang photography. Shoot lang ng shoot. 

Develop from the negatives. Take nothing but great memories. 

Etch those images in your mind. 

[May 1999 somewhere in Dumaguete]

Buhay Bahaghari LGBT book launch Aug 27 at bts writer chika

At kinarir ko na namang muli ang pagsusulat ng press release para sa nalalapit na book launch ng aming ten thousand years before ma-publish na libro hehehe. Salamat sa superqueer efforts nina former deputy director ng UP Center for Women's Studies na si Prof. Eric Manalastas at POC Pinoy LGBT channel editor naming si Eva "Bubbles" Callueng, ipapanganak na rin ang librong last year pa namin hinulma, hininga, at ngayon iiire na! Ayan siya. 

Cute naman ng cover art hehe. Talagang rainbow kung rainbow. Some of the pertinent details of the launch are here:

Want to read 36 personal essays on what it’s like to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer in the Philippines today? Then get a copy of the book entitled BUHAY BAHAGHARI: THE FILIPINO LGBT CHRONICLES published by the UP Center for Women’s Studies. The anthology will be launched on Wednesday, August 27, 2014 at 1:30-3:30pm inside the UP Center for Women’s Studies premises (Magsaysay Ave. cor. Ylanan Road near the CSWCD/ MassComm/Music college buildings inside the Diliman, QC campus).

Lima pala ang kuwentong isinabak ko dito. Personal essays ang atak, sabi ni editor Bubbles. Dapat dito ko ilalabas 'yung isang bonggang-bonggang academic article kong icho-chopchop ko sana into bite-size friendlier forms pero sabi ng lola ko eh gumawa na lang ng bago dahil masyadong academic nosebleed 'yung lesbian indie film paper ko na 'yun hihi. So kebs na dun at kume-creative nonfiction na lang ang peg ng lola mo.

Yoiks may picture nga pala sa contribs page! 

Buti na lang cute 'yung napili sa akin. Charut! :P

Kaya as usual, I have to tap into the well of my persona during the time I wrote this. What else is new? Life provides the ink and I am merely the recorder. Here are some behind-the-scenes chika of those pieces:

"Showbiz people like us 1: we got our backs" is about my experience as a cultural journalist a.k.a. lifestyle and entertainment journalist featuring closeted people like us and how we kinda have to protect each other in the dog-eat-dog a.k.a. judgmental-hetero-eats-marginalized-queer world of showbizlandia.

"Showbiz people like us 2: gaydar me, gaydar you" is about how clueless peeps ask queers like me to "detect" suspected queers like me, a.k.a. kapag gusto lang mang-canfeermd! ng mga chismosa sa mga kloseta sa showbiz. Yes, this happens. True story.

"The tabloidization of the tomboy: (don’t) print us o lord" is actually the first piece I wrote solely for this anthology. This chronicles my experience when I showed up for an interview as an entertainment editor in a newspaper that turned out to be in tabloid format, so all media vs. queers baggage broke loose.

Siyempre mawawala ba ang mga love chronicles ng buhay? "To fight the unbeatable fight" is my muni-muni about having relationships with women who are closeted and how I negotiate my openly out self in there. "To reach the unreachable love" is the chronicling of my foray into lesbian LDRdom or long distance relationships before, during and after. 

Support for the book in the form of blurbs

 from varied queers and queer allies 

e.g. Boy Abunda, Dr. Margie Holmes, 

Aida Santos, Danton Remoto, Neil Garcia. 

Dumo-Don Quixote lang talaga ang peg? Ewan ko ba. Alam ko single na ako nung sinulat ko ang mga ito, lalo na itong dalawang love articles chenes. Sa tagal na nito, di ko na maalala exactly kung ano 'yung contribs ko at kung ano ang porma at ikot ng headspace ko nun hehe. Naaliw lang ako when I recalled what they were, so I reread them, and the ending of that unbeatable fight piece went something like this nga pala:

Ah, it’s a cycle, this closet of ours, of theirs. Is it somebody’s fault that we’re there, and is it somebody’s fault that it exists? Of course there is some fault somewhere. That’s why we fight an unbeatable fight sometimes. But still, we go on. Closet or no closet, we travel, until we find what what we’re looking for, or until we have to be found by someone looking for us.

She’s out there. Just walk.

Wow. Indeed. And now, here we are, months after I wrote that, I bumped into someone and someone bumped into me. I'm ever so grateful to the universe that I walked that day, that I decided to show up in that seemingly random business meeting, that I decided to get out of my hibernation and socialize with a new soul. That soul turned out to be the love of my life right now, my kindred of all kindred spirits, and all my obra I dedicate to her. Yes, pati na this book's contributions. Thank you, sweetheart.

Mantakin mo nga naman, how our life narratives turn out. Wala lang, natutuwa lang ako. I guess we still can't believe we found each other, na magkalapit lang pala ang orbits namin sa isa't isa, all this time, but we were not fated to meet until the moment we did. Happy. Happy lang talaga. :) Sorry sumingit talaga ang #inlabsiBayli peg ulit ahihihi. #akona

Heniweys hemingways, kitakits sa book launch. Bonggabels din naman ang line-up ng contributors dahil for the first time, reprezent! talaga ang L, G, B, at T ditech, pati na Q because of me. So there. Here's some more info on the book: 

Contributors come from different walks of life who also belong in different industries in society. Some of them are or have been active LGBT rights advocates. Their essays tackle topics like identities and struggles; tensions, anxieties, relations; challenges, changes and the community; and of course love and lessons that come with finding it, losing it, or keeping it. Some of the contributors include longtime queer advocates Fr. Richard Mickley, Chris Jo Salvatierra, Ging Cristobal and Bruce Amoroto; corporate professionals Fire Sia, Mel Abutin and Allan Carreon; development worker Miel Feria; former and current college professors Mikee Inton, Argel Tuason and  Lorna Israel; National Youth Commission’s Percival Cendana and Ernest Lucas; and Carlos Palanca awardees Shakira Sison, Libay Linsangan Cantor and Jhoanna Lynn B. Cruz, to name a few. The essays are written in Filipino and English.

Read the rest of my press release here sa pop media blog kesh. Sayang ang dami yatang di nakahabol sa deadline. Happy sana ito kung ang ibang kabatak ay nakapaglaan ng obra. Maybe a sequel should happen na lang. 

Hehe at sorry kung mayabang pero paminsan-minsan kailangan din nating ipagmayabang na may mga award-winning among the rainbow community, na hindi porke't queer tayo ay kalunos-lunos tayo at hindi fabulous. Excuse me! Hahaha. And the Palanca is always a good marker of an award for us queer writers. Congrats nga rin pala is in order for another win for one of us. Hm not sure if na-announce na niya ang pagkapanalo niya this year ulit pero CONGRATS MAMU! 'Yun muna hehe. You know who you are. Always proud of you. :)

Eclectic lot! Life is like a rainbow indeed -- you never know which hue will rule you at times. So best to be prepared. 

Congrats sa editing efforts ni Bubbles beks at nairaos din ito. Happy! :) Buy the book! Support Philippine literature and the Pinoy LGBTQ community.

Kitakits! :)