since i've been feeling a little down and out these past few days, i decided to jump the gun on a personal deadline and decided to buy that post-birthday gift i've been meaning to buy for myself since last year, actually -- a brand new home entertainment system, na cheap lang, yung mga 5.1 na mula quiapo ba, at saka mega-affordable but ever-reliable na new dvd player. yeah well, dahil sa motibasyon, i got them both na and spent this weekend setting them up. happy naman sa purchase. this consumer is satisfied. :)
to test the system, i had to pull out an original dvd first, at syempre rare ito sa collection ninuman, especially sa mga co-members ko sa "revenge of the third world" society of dvd buyers hehe. checking my collection, i saw my old love, QUEER AS FOLK. since i have the season two in original dvd from toronto, ito ang pinang-test ko.
bad move.
i ended up consuming three discs of several eps just yesterday and today. how i missed these guys, and gals. the fun, the wit, the sex, the ideologies, the advocacy, everything. it's everything i wanted in a queer-oriented show. too bad it's just made up of mostly gays with a very sub-subplot na lesbian couple doon. pero just the same, happy pa rin ang portrayal. read my postmortem of the show's season ender in a previous post.
sad lang ako kasi i miss the show, so much, at mas gung-ho ako dito kesa sa THE L WORD, mind you. why? because this one nga is well-written, has good character-driven stories, and good situations that show advocacy and fun. wala kasi minsan ang tlw nito e, which still leaves me sad. eto nga't kaka-kumpleto ko lang ng downloads ng latest season ng tlw and yet i don't find myself scrambling to watch it agad, much like how i would scramble to buy jeanette winterson's latest book to read. iba intensity. it's both lesbian-oriented yet the motivation or drive is not the same. sad. so sad.
bakla nga siguro ako talaga inside. i find some of the antics and life philosophies of the gay guys in the show both enduring and something to uphold. ewan ko ba, mas bet ko ang pamumuhay nila minsan, o kaya mas bet ko ang mga kuwento ng buhay nila kasi mas mukha siyang realistic at totoo. i'm not sure what makes the l word so unreachable to me, gayong dapat mas malapit sa akin ito dahil sa may kipay sila at may kipay din ako. hm... bad writing lang talaga, mama. qaf had better writers.
or maybe it's bigger than that. when i discovered qaf, it was during a certain time of my life when i was liking myself a lot, meaning i didn't give a fuck's fart about the rest of society telling me to conform to their standards and confirm to their expectations and shit like that. the brian kinney philosophy. i was like, hey, this pretty piece of meat is a fingering motherfucking lesbian and if you can't handle that, boohoo you. i had that attitude and showed it to the world, without giving a rat's ass on what they'll think. many a dodo contradicted me but the hell do i care. it's my keps and whatever makes it happy, labas na kayo doon. it's that simple.
ganoon din siguro sa buhay. i was also deciding whether to join the mainstream world or to remain in this side of the not-for-profit world of the arts and advocacy chenes. well, guess which side won. kaya even up to now, kahit nanglilimahid na ako sa hirap minsan sa pagiging guro sa peyups, so to speak, dahil sa sobrang baba lang ng bayad ever, go pa rin. happy pa rin. wala talaga akong drive to make limpak-limpak na pera. okay na ko sa manageable na life baga, basta it keeps me happy and sane. and if my partner of the moment didn't realize that and supported that, then wag na lang siguro. that was how i decided to walk away from the past relationship i had, kahit 5 years na siya. it wasn't so intellectually and artistically motivating for me. outta there. i never wanted an artistic death, so goodbye.
yun sigurong 'fuck the world' attitude ang miss ko sa qaf. sobra lang. siguro yun lang din ang attitude na miss ko sa sarili ko. iba talaga once you hit 30 and count up, up and up. iba ang challenges at obstacles to hurdle.i don't regret getting old; just not remembering certain attitudes lang siguro.
pero siguro ang qaf-like attitude na di ko binibitawan up to this day ay yung kelangan kong i-assert ang aking independence sa mga systems, na kahit belong ako sa isang system, di ako tali dito. ewan, hard to explain pero if you know me, maybe you'll get me. maybe.
or maybe not.
bahala na si batman bukas.
maybe it's time to face some truths that you are scared of saying out loud. but how do i do that without stepping on other people's toes, or hurting their feelings? mahirap. pero in the end, di ko na dapat ito iniisip, kasi dapat naisip na rin nila ito. kaya lang, di talaga natin mapipigil kung makasarili ang karamihan sa kanila diyan, di ba? mahirap.
hay.
nakakainis lang din whenever i still encounter super-deluded people, na kahit na-debunk na ang kanilang pagkatao, ganun pa rin mamayagpag. fuck them. they don't deserve the label "human being." mga gago kayo...
hay. hirap maging buddhist in times like these... hindi siya nirvana-inducing, sa totoo lang.
hay naku... om shanti na lang. wishing.
Showing posts with label The L Word. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The L Word. Show all posts
11 May 2008
17 September 2007
patalastas sa pagpapakadalubhasa
surveying my ten years' worth of stories, poems and what have yous here in my pandora's buxom of writings, i revisit some materials that i have long forgotten. and it makes me laugh sometimes, especially reading the earlier ones.
there's this sequence in THE L WORD where jenny the writer tries to enroll in a prestigious creative writing teacher's class, played by out bisexual comedian sandra bernard. when she finally gets in the class, i remember one session where the teacher scolded jenny. she said to her:
"You don't write [fiction]; you journal."
and that has resonated in me ever since i heard it. i've also been guilty of doing that a lot of times. sure, my personal experiences have been the jumping board of ideas for my fiction pieces but the thing is, i can't detach sometimes. that's the problem. kaya natatawa ako nang marinig ko yun sa show, tapos natatawa ulit ako ngayon remembering that while reading my stuff. nagse-select na kasi ako ng final candidates for my MA CW thesis, which will be a collection of my short stories in english. dapat a dozen lang ang gagawin ko, dyke's dozen baga hehe, pero mukhang kailangan kong dagdagan for the stupid page count requirement of a hundred. hm...
sayang. sarap sanang ipa-workshop itong mga kwento kong iba kasi gusto kong i-revise. was talking to my writer friend joel nga and exploring the possibilities of joining this writing group kaya lang mga filipino writers kasi sila mostly. although joel writes in english naman hm... we'll see.
also quite amusing to note his pasintabi kuwento, na i am "famous" daw in penguin cafe malate hahahaha. well, at least to the dykes who hang out there daw. now how come i never see these people when i visit there? hanlayo kasi ng lokasyon e. pumunta na lang kaya kayo dito sa qc mga hija? at dito tayo maghuntahan hehehe. i would love to hang out with fellow kabaros, always. you know me.
strangeness talaga yun hahahah. hay... famous ka jan. hahahaha. hm, makapunta nga malate hahahaha! sino sasama? chos.
there's this sequence in THE L WORD where jenny the writer tries to enroll in a prestigious creative writing teacher's class, played by out bisexual comedian sandra bernard. when she finally gets in the class, i remember one session where the teacher scolded jenny. she said to her:
"You don't write [fiction]; you journal."
and that has resonated in me ever since i heard it. i've also been guilty of doing that a lot of times. sure, my personal experiences have been the jumping board of ideas for my fiction pieces but the thing is, i can't detach sometimes. that's the problem. kaya natatawa ako nang marinig ko yun sa show, tapos natatawa ulit ako ngayon remembering that while reading my stuff. nagse-select na kasi ako ng final candidates for my MA CW thesis, which will be a collection of my short stories in english. dapat a dozen lang ang gagawin ko, dyke's dozen baga hehe, pero mukhang kailangan kong dagdagan for the stupid page count requirement of a hundred. hm...
sayang. sarap sanang ipa-workshop itong mga kwento kong iba kasi gusto kong i-revise. was talking to my writer friend joel nga and exploring the possibilities of joining this writing group kaya lang mga filipino writers kasi sila mostly. although joel writes in english naman hm... we'll see.
also quite amusing to note his pasintabi kuwento, na i am "famous" daw in penguin cafe malate hahahaha. well, at least to the dykes who hang out there daw. now how come i never see these people when i visit there? hanlayo kasi ng lokasyon e. pumunta na lang kaya kayo dito sa qc mga hija? at dito tayo maghuntahan hehehe. i would love to hang out with fellow kabaros, always. you know me.
strangeness talaga yun hahahah. hay... famous ka jan. hahahaha. hm, makapunta nga malate hahahaha! sino sasama? chos.
03 July 2007
7am thoughts
some thoughts at seven in the friggin' morning...
- from sex and the city, the episode where carrie reveals she has a fuck buddy and she tries to have a relationship with him outside the bedroom, to no avail.i like this ep because this is also where charlotte thinks of changing her dating habits as suggested by her friends, so she double-books two guys at magkakalintikan, and she concludes that she should not listen to her friends. hehehehe nakakatawa talaga yun.
but this is a good thought. it's a curious question to ask, because it forces you to re-examine the choices you have made over the years regarding your romantic partners.
i'm still re-examining. will keep you posted... but this time, i think the cycle is breaking. so i'm glad about that. i'm glad about a lot of things lately, and maybe that has something to do with the cycle... among other things.
yes, that's what you call a cyclical discussion with your self.
*
short clip on a film i saw last week...
PAN'S LABYRINTH
galing talaga ng mga mexicans mag-ilaw. di ko alam kung bakit may ganoong sensitivity. CSI Miami could actually use their services because to tell you the truth, i'm tired of their heavy-coated gradated yellow-amber tone filtering to achieve that sun-hot atmospheric sizzle. puwede kayang iba naman? just like i'm getting tired of the polarized cyan/high neutral density look of CSI New York, just to have that icey metallic detached nooyawk feel of sorts. da best pa rin mag-ilaw ang CSI Vegas, but i digress...
this mexican film is just plain excellent. storyline, acting (although the child protagonist could have used more oomph in terms of her acting projection -- kulang pa ng konti sa workshop, at sa guidance in directing). the vision is good, and to have that fairy tale thingie juxtaposed with the franco dictatorship chenes, ay caramba! perfecto. galeng! reminded me of LA VITA E BELLA (LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL) where the father told his kid a game/tale to hide the atrocities of the holocaust. tangina. yan ang konsepto! multi-layered, very textured plot, and good execution helped a lot din. pero to begin with, brilliant ang mga konsepto.
may ilang portions lang na parang slow ang dating, pero may payoff din ang style ng pagbabagal. the oveall effect was okay naman.
hm, can't wait for harry potter. the trailers are good. and we see more (well, more or less) of ralph fiennes in this one. yey.
*
pero nami-miss ko ang panonood sa teatro these months. tagal ko nang di nakakanood ng stage play. want to tonight, as two of my friends' plays are being restaged, kaya lang mga ati, hanlayoh kase ng ccp e. for a qc gal na nawalan na ng awto, e mahirap na lumipad sa maynila anytime my heart has whims of all sorts. argh. sorry ate liza, job, next time na lang... and sigrid, too. hm. sayang. kainizzz. kung wala lang lakad kinabukasan...
kaya lang gawad plaridel awarding kasi bukas e, at ang aawardan ay si ms cheche lazaro (broadcast kasi, tv, this year). so siyempre i have to be there, being cmc faculty and all, and also siyempre dahil sa nakasalamuha ko ang mga Probe-sters at si ms cheche sa bangkok before. so pay respects lang kumbaga. wanna watch? libre to. sa cine adarna gaganapin, pasok ka lang.
pero naboborlogs lang ako kanina why the peeps in charge want to set up the cams na bukas ng tanghali pa lang. i mean, hello, coverage lang ito ati, at saka video lang yan. and they won't require a whole deal of patching and laying cables and stuff for a freaking non-moving event! tapos 24-hour ahead set-up??????? e gagamitin ng lecturers namin sa class yung cam e...hay kakaibah. weird lang talaga yun. even if they're shooting using film, hindi ito magfa-fly. masyadong OC-ness lang yung early tech set-up na yun i swear. so no go.
*
and for more pictures, wala lang, share ko lang. sabi kasi ng isa diyan, hindi daw nagbago ang smile ko over the years. totoo ba? ngiti pa lang, libay na! hehe. hindi mapapagkaila...
29 years ago... (rite of passage, meaning no more red and blue crayons as writing thingies and moving on to mongol pencils! but more excitement for chinese garter games and monkey monkey anabel running games -- kasi tumatangkad na at humahaba na legs!)
and 9 months ago. (passage to righteousness, meaning starting the rebooting of grounded systems to pursue no-brainer payoffs but also let that go because of others' unmotivated hypocritical righteousness)
hm. you do the math. eh? hehe. la lang. that's called coded discombobulations hehehe. decode.
more vanity fair/fare at my multiply. link to your left.
*
and to wrap this up, yeah ly, mami-miss mo talaga ang penguin! nano-nostalgic ako doon when i think of the good ol' days of just hanging out natin nina pam. oh hey check out that digifilm nga pala ROME AND JULIET, she makes a cameo there hehe (she comes on to mylene dizon in her flowershop garden). plus a host of our other dykey friends make a cameo din dun hehe (spot the g-spotters! hahaha). watch it if only for that. forget the storyline tho.
thanks for that comment justwomyn. yeah, been accused of being a head-person din. tama ka. years of exposure will tame one down to take it easy na lang, hence my tagline sa profile.
ponpkpn, we at UP Sappho used to do a "connect the dots" game much like what alice on the l word did with her chart. mas organized nga lang sa kanya hehe. that was a fun pastime for us. at isa sa amin nga ang sinasabi mong hub hehe. pag nagsiuwian kayo ng sabay-sabay dito, ipapakilala ko kayo sa isa't isa hehehe. ay, yung isang kabanda ko, may pagka-hub ang lola hehe. kakaiba nga ang kabataan ngayon hane... hehe. at hindi ako hub. hehe. wala ko balak. i'm a private person chenes when it comes to my love life. a la jodie foster mode hahahahaha chos.
more comments! keep 'em coming.
"are we dating the same person?"
- from sex and the city, the episode where carrie reveals she has a fuck buddy and she tries to have a relationship with him outside the bedroom, to no avail.i like this ep because this is also where charlotte thinks of changing her dating habits as suggested by her friends, so she double-books two guys at magkakalintikan, and she concludes that she should not listen to her friends. hehehehe nakakatawa talaga yun.
but this is a good thought. it's a curious question to ask, because it forces you to re-examine the choices you have made over the years regarding your romantic partners.
i'm still re-examining. will keep you posted... but this time, i think the cycle is breaking. so i'm glad about that. i'm glad about a lot of things lately, and maybe that has something to do with the cycle... among other things.
yes, that's what you call a cyclical discussion with your self.
*
short clip on a film i saw last week...
PAN'S LABYRINTH
galing talaga ng mga mexicans mag-ilaw. di ko alam kung bakit may ganoong sensitivity. CSI Miami could actually use their services because to tell you the truth, i'm tired of their heavy-coated gradated yellow-amber tone filtering to achieve that sun-hot atmospheric sizzle. puwede kayang iba naman? just like i'm getting tired of the polarized cyan/high neutral density look of CSI New York, just to have that icey metallic detached nooyawk feel of sorts. da best pa rin mag-ilaw ang CSI Vegas, but i digress...
this mexican film is just plain excellent. storyline, acting (although the child protagonist could have used more oomph in terms of her acting projection -- kulang pa ng konti sa workshop, at sa guidance in directing). the vision is good, and to have that fairy tale thingie juxtaposed with the franco dictatorship chenes, ay caramba! perfecto. galeng! reminded me of LA VITA E BELLA (LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL) where the father told his kid a game/tale to hide the atrocities of the holocaust. tangina. yan ang konsepto! multi-layered, very textured plot, and good execution helped a lot din. pero to begin with, brilliant ang mga konsepto.
may ilang portions lang na parang slow ang dating, pero may payoff din ang style ng pagbabagal. the oveall effect was okay naman.
hm, can't wait for harry potter. the trailers are good. and we see more (well, more or less) of ralph fiennes in this one. yey.
*
pero nami-miss ko ang panonood sa teatro these months. tagal ko nang di nakakanood ng stage play. want to tonight, as two of my friends' plays are being restaged, kaya lang mga ati, hanlayoh kase ng ccp e. for a qc gal na nawalan na ng awto, e mahirap na lumipad sa maynila anytime my heart has whims of all sorts. argh. sorry ate liza, job, next time na lang... and sigrid, too. hm. sayang. kainizzz. kung wala lang lakad kinabukasan...
kaya lang gawad plaridel awarding kasi bukas e, at ang aawardan ay si ms cheche lazaro (broadcast kasi, tv, this year). so siyempre i have to be there, being cmc faculty and all, and also siyempre dahil sa nakasalamuha ko ang mga Probe-sters at si ms cheche sa bangkok before. so pay respects lang kumbaga. wanna watch? libre to. sa cine adarna gaganapin, pasok ka lang.
pero naboborlogs lang ako kanina why the peeps in charge want to set up the cams na bukas ng tanghali pa lang. i mean, hello, coverage lang ito ati, at saka video lang yan. and they won't require a whole deal of patching and laying cables and stuff for a freaking non-moving event! tapos 24-hour ahead set-up??????? e gagamitin ng lecturers namin sa class yung cam e...hay kakaibah. weird lang talaga yun. even if they're shooting using film, hindi ito magfa-fly. masyadong OC-ness lang yung early tech set-up na yun i swear. so no go.
*
and for more pictures, wala lang, share ko lang. sabi kasi ng isa diyan, hindi daw nagbago ang smile ko over the years. totoo ba? ngiti pa lang, libay na! hehe. hindi mapapagkaila...
29 years ago... (rite of passage, meaning no more red and blue crayons as writing thingies and moving on to mongol pencils! but more excitement for chinese garter games and monkey monkey anabel running games -- kasi tumatangkad na at humahaba na legs!)
and 9 months ago. (passage to righteousness, meaning starting the rebooting of grounded systems to pursue no-brainer payoffs but also let that go because of others' unmotivated hypocritical righteousness)
hm. you do the math. eh? hehe. la lang. that's called coded discombobulations hehehe. decode.
more vanity fair/fare at my multiply. link to your left.
*
and to wrap this up, yeah ly, mami-miss mo talaga ang penguin! nano-nostalgic ako doon when i think of the good ol' days of just hanging out natin nina pam. oh hey check out that digifilm nga pala ROME AND JULIET, she makes a cameo there hehe (she comes on to mylene dizon in her flowershop garden). plus a host of our other dykey friends make a cameo din dun hehe (spot the g-spotters! hahaha). watch it if only for that. forget the storyline tho.
thanks for that comment justwomyn. yeah, been accused of being a head-person din. tama ka. years of exposure will tame one down to take it easy na lang, hence my tagline sa profile.
ponpkpn, we at UP Sappho used to do a "connect the dots" game much like what alice on the l word did with her chart. mas organized nga lang sa kanya hehe. that was a fun pastime for us. at isa sa amin nga ang sinasabi mong hub hehe. pag nagsiuwian kayo ng sabay-sabay dito, ipapakilala ko kayo sa isa't isa hehehe. ay, yung isang kabanda ko, may pagka-hub ang lola hehe. kakaiba nga ang kabataan ngayon hane... hehe. at hindi ako hub. hehe. wala ko balak. i'm a private person chenes when it comes to my love life. a la jodie foster mode hahahahaha chos.
more comments! keep 'em coming.
25 June 2007
function vs. feeling + loathing the l word
question: do you need to feel first before you could function, or do you need to function first before you could actually feel something?
just a thought. what are yours on this? comment tag below or message board to your left. or leaflens at gmail. write on...
*
i don't know whose brilliant idea it was to show THE L WORD on cable tv in the philippines. but if SEX AND THE CITY gets bloody beeped because they say penis, vagina, and yes, even sex(!), imagine what more they would chop off the l word. no more than its essence lang naman. tangina.
just caught that big scene near the end of season 1, the opening of the provocations art exhibit and all the girlies and the boylets were there, of course. intense-filled episode this is, for this is the ep where all of the characters receive a major turning point: shane the playgirl exposes her heart on her sleeve and gets shot down for it bigtime; kit the hetero is getting swayed by the wooing of a drag king; bette the married one resists the call of temptation yet again from her carpenter mistress; tina who's married to bette discovers the affair and bursts; marina loonily plays the field to play her loony object of desire; loony jenny enters the scene with a boy date but meets her girl date and receives a call from sorry loony marina and ends up staring at her room with her girl date and boy date both in there -- dressed and asleep; dana gets torn between her crazy fiancee and an old-time friend who frenches her; and alice frenches long-time friend dana whom she has been pining for secretly all this time of bad plant and pay-off storyarcing.
yeah, talk about dyke drama. all of this happens in just one sequence! sankapa!
but three brilliant moments also happen in this episode, especially after this dyke drama sequence.
one -- bette goes home and finds tina. no words are exchanged much, only dagger looks from the aggrieved party that could be more aptly termed as longsword looks, and begging forgiveness looks from the guilty one. etc2ndave channel had the tenacity to edit out the most crucial part of this scene: the sex. yes, when tina finally let it all out and started hitting bette, bette retaliated by pinning tina down on the bed and, yeah, fucking her. just plain fucked her. but it was not for pleasure. no, it wasn't a pity fuck, either. it was an appease-forgive fuck. understand? if you ever experienced being in such an emotional state of rage/anger/frustration and had your lover-fighter pacify you with sex but not for both of your enjoyment but for something else, you will understand the poignancy of this scene. to those who cannot relate...lucky you.
two -- best friends dana and alice share a kiss but again, this gets chopped off. we only see alice hesitating a lot, trying to convince dana that the latter cannot marry because because because, and then *poof* and then we see a shell-shocked dana left on the porch while a flushed alice rushes off. the kiss between friends is not a new storyline but for those who were in this situation before, the scene will get to you, i'm sure.
three -- tina wanted to tell alice about bette's affair with candance. but instead of saying it out bluntly, she just cries, grabs a pen, goes to the board where the chart of lesbian lives are connected/linked together (who slept with whom and so on and so forth), draws a line from bette's name and tries to write "candace" at the other end of that line, but she breaks down crying even more after writing just "c" and "a", and alice consoles her. brilliant brilliant execution this is. now this is the perfect example of the "show, don't tell" tip. good good good.
*
is it this complicated to be a dyke? not really. well, okay, yes, but the complication is not solely owned by the gay world. it is this complicated to be a human being in love, in lust, in like and living life. it's that simple.
i guess that's why i asked if feeling comes first or function comes first. function, meaning we go about our daily routines or daily lives as individuals without feeling much for other people. feeling, meaning we go by how we feel for all things around us, especially the people we care for and nurture, or want to care for and nurture. what should come first, feeling or functioning? or do they go together? or should they even be together? hm.
i ask this because some people say they could function better if they could feel first, meaning they should feel something about their actions, work and whatnot before they could execute it or something like that. and then there are some people who say that in order for a person to function, they need to feel first in order to be functional. magkaiba yun e. and yes, some people say i belong to the second category of feel-function but i don't really know about that...
i don't know if i'm making sense here, but in my mind, what i want to say is clear. not sure if it's translating well...oh well...
i dunno. am i really trying to explore feeling and functioning, or am i talking about being fair game? well, maybe that's also within the periphery of my thoughts. but that might be another discussion altogether.
ahhh. ewan. haywire na rin yata ako from watching this episode earlier and being frustrated because of the cuts. it gives an awfully different narrative when they did that, sa totoo lang. hay...
but i could feel for these girls, really, especially now. that's what's great about this show as i watch it again and again. it gets better and it gets personal that i could actually forgive the bad writing in it and the contrived plotlines of some characters. i never knew these three moments would resonate with me better these days. maybe it's because i've also had similar moments, regardless of which character i could relate to. maybe relate ako sa lahat sa kanila. kakaiba talaga... kaya sometimes i hate this show, because it feels true, and it appears true, and i could relate to most of the plotlines and characters. kakainiz.
it doesn't help that one of my favorite songs in the soundtrack is the soundtrack of the final sequences of this particular ep...
kasi sa totoo lang, i am indeed caught in between all i wished for and all i need. kaya i love this song now more than ever, even if it makes the tear ducts function a bit.
but the thing is, i also need this thing that i wished for. this thing that i wish for, i feel for it, have always felt for it, before and up to now. this thing that i need is what i have and have been having in order to function for the past two years or so.
now only if i could have both. but the world doesn't really work that way. so i will always be caught in between. sometimes i mind, sometimes i don't mind. most times, i just try not to think about it.
hay naku, may god's love be with me talaga...
'til the next ep.
just a thought. what are yours on this? comment tag below or message board to your left. or leaflens at gmail. write on...
*
i don't know whose brilliant idea it was to show THE L WORD on cable tv in the philippines. but if SEX AND THE CITY gets bloody beeped because they say penis, vagina, and yes, even sex(!), imagine what more they would chop off the l word. no more than its essence lang naman. tangina.
just caught that big scene near the end of season 1, the opening of the provocations art exhibit and all the girlies and the boylets were there, of course. intense-filled episode this is, for this is the ep where all of the characters receive a major turning point: shane the playgirl exposes her heart on her sleeve and gets shot down for it bigtime; kit the hetero is getting swayed by the wooing of a drag king; bette the married one resists the call of temptation yet again from her carpenter mistress; tina who's married to bette discovers the affair and bursts; marina loonily plays the field to play her loony object of desire; loony jenny enters the scene with a boy date but meets her girl date and receives a call from sorry loony marina and ends up staring at her room with her girl date and boy date both in there -- dressed and asleep; dana gets torn between her crazy fiancee and an old-time friend who frenches her; and alice frenches long-time friend dana whom she has been pining for secretly all this time of bad plant and pay-off storyarcing.
yeah, talk about dyke drama. all of this happens in just one sequence! sankapa!
but three brilliant moments also happen in this episode, especially after this dyke drama sequence.
one -- bette goes home and finds tina. no words are exchanged much, only dagger looks from the aggrieved party that could be more aptly termed as longsword looks, and begging forgiveness looks from the guilty one. etc2ndave channel had the tenacity to edit out the most crucial part of this scene: the sex. yes, when tina finally let it all out and started hitting bette, bette retaliated by pinning tina down on the bed and, yeah, fucking her. just plain fucked her. but it was not for pleasure. no, it wasn't a pity fuck, either. it was an appease-forgive fuck. understand? if you ever experienced being in such an emotional state of rage/anger/frustration and had your lover-fighter pacify you with sex but not for both of your enjoyment but for something else, you will understand the poignancy of this scene. to those who cannot relate...lucky you.
two -- best friends dana and alice share a kiss but again, this gets chopped off. we only see alice hesitating a lot, trying to convince dana that the latter cannot marry because because because, and then *poof* and then we see a shell-shocked dana left on the porch while a flushed alice rushes off. the kiss between friends is not a new storyline but for those who were in this situation before, the scene will get to you, i'm sure.
three -- tina wanted to tell alice about bette's affair with candance. but instead of saying it out bluntly, she just cries, grabs a pen, goes to the board where the chart of lesbian lives are connected/linked together (who slept with whom and so on and so forth), draws a line from bette's name and tries to write "candace" at the other end of that line, but she breaks down crying even more after writing just "c" and "a", and alice consoles her. brilliant brilliant execution this is. now this is the perfect example of the "show, don't tell" tip. good good good.
*
is it this complicated to be a dyke? not really. well, okay, yes, but the complication is not solely owned by the gay world. it is this complicated to be a human being in love, in lust, in like and living life. it's that simple.
i guess that's why i asked if feeling comes first or function comes first. function, meaning we go about our daily routines or daily lives as individuals without feeling much for other people. feeling, meaning we go by how we feel for all things around us, especially the people we care for and nurture, or want to care for and nurture. what should come first, feeling or functioning? or do they go together? or should they even be together? hm.
i ask this because some people say they could function better if they could feel first, meaning they should feel something about their actions, work and whatnot before they could execute it or something like that. and then there are some people who say that in order for a person to function, they need to feel first in order to be functional. magkaiba yun e. and yes, some people say i belong to the second category of feel-function but i don't really know about that...
i don't know if i'm making sense here, but in my mind, what i want to say is clear. not sure if it's translating well...oh well...
i dunno. am i really trying to explore feeling and functioning, or am i talking about being fair game? well, maybe that's also within the periphery of my thoughts. but that might be another discussion altogether.
ahhh. ewan. haywire na rin yata ako from watching this episode earlier and being frustrated because of the cuts. it gives an awfully different narrative when they did that, sa totoo lang. hay...
but i could feel for these girls, really, especially now. that's what's great about this show as i watch it again and again. it gets better and it gets personal that i could actually forgive the bad writing in it and the contrived plotlines of some characters. i never knew these three moments would resonate with me better these days. maybe it's because i've also had similar moments, regardless of which character i could relate to. maybe relate ako sa lahat sa kanila. kakaiba talaga... kaya sometimes i hate this show, because it feels true, and it appears true, and i could relate to most of the plotlines and characters. kakainiz.
it doesn't help that one of my favorite songs in the soundtrack is the soundtrack of the final sequences of this particular ep...
In The Sun
(by Joseph Arthur)
(by Joseph Arthur)
I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in
May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you
I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake
May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you
'Cause if i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
If i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
You
I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me
May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in
May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you
I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake
May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you
'Cause if i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
If i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
You
I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me
May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you
kasi sa totoo lang, i am indeed caught in between all i wished for and all i need. kaya i love this song now more than ever, even if it makes the tear ducts function a bit.
but the thing is, i also need this thing that i wished for. this thing that i wish for, i feel for it, have always felt for it, before and up to now. this thing that i need is what i have and have been having in order to function for the past two years or so.
now only if i could have both. but the world doesn't really work that way. so i will always be caught in between. sometimes i mind, sometimes i don't mind. most times, i just try not to think about it.
hay naku, may god's love be with me talaga...
'til the next ep.
23 June 2006
para kay o - bati pa rin kita :) + some notes on lesbian feminism
para kay o na nabagabag sa aking sinulat noong isang araw:
pasensiya na rin at hihingi rin ako ng taos-pusong paumanhin kung masyadong mapusok sa pandinig ang naisulat ko noong isang gabi. wari'y bagung-bago pa lang sa kaisipan ko at damdamin ang mga pangyayaring naganap sa gabing tinutukoy ko kaya marami rin akong naisulat na tila di maganda. totoo ka, medyo iba ang dating sa aking pandinig ng iyong sinabi, pero siguro dala na rin ito marahil ng alab ng pag-iisip ko noong gabing iyon dahilan nga sa muli kong aksidenteng pakikisalamuha sa multong di ko na nais pa mang masilayan. di ko sinadyang maliitin ka o ang iyong sinabi. wala nga marahil sa konteksto ang pag-intindi ko nito. mabuti na lamang at naliwanagan mo ako. tanggap ko ang iyong pagpapaumanhin at sana'y tanggapin mo rin ang sa akin.
iba nga talaga marahil kapag pagkababae na ng isang babae ang nasasalanta -- tagos sa laman, tagos sa dugo, tagos sa isipan. ito siguro ang eksperyensiyang di kailanman maiintindihan ng mga lalaki. awtomatikong nagdidilim ang paningin ng babaeng niyuyurakan ng dangal, pagkatao at pagkababae -- at nakakalimot sa lahat ng tino at kalma. kaya paumanhin rin.
salamat sa patuloy na pagbabasa. at bati tayo ha. :) patuloy pa rin ako sa pagsuporta sa inyong mga adhikain at aktibidades. sabi nga sa mga lumang pelikula "siyang tunay."
*
i am reminded by all these of an episode on THE L WORD season 2 where bisexual writer jenny and lesbian heartthrob shane had a housemate who's a guy and a filmmaker. he hooked up hidden cams all over the house and filmed the girls' lesbian lives. soon enough, jenny discovered the scam and confronted the guy. while it might have appeared iffy and squeamish the first time i watched this (because i initially didn't like mia kirshner's take on the jenny character -- or maybe it was bad directing), going over the whole 3 seasons of the show last summer (to psyche me up in my lesbian-themed novel writing endeavor) made me appreciate mia's subtle style of acting na (yea, now i'm seeing it from the craft point of view, as a director).
and of course the dialogues given are the lines i have often repeated to others when it comes to issues of sexual harassment.
Jenny: "Do you have any sisters?"
Mark: "Yes, I have two younger sisters."
Jenny: "Okay. I want you to ask them a question. And the most important thing is that you really listen to their answer. I want you to ask your sisters about the very first time that they were intruded upon by some man or a boy."
Mark: "What makes you think that my sisters have been intruded upon?"
Jenny: "Because there isn't a single girl or woman in this world that hasn't been intruded upon, and sometimes it's relatively benign, and sometimes it's so fucking painful. But you have no idea what this feels like."
di ba? tama siya e. an eye for an eye kaya ang approach. e paano kung nanay mo yun, sister mo yun, anak mo yung na-harass? panu na? do unto others and all that karmic retribution blah.
that's basically it. men have no idea what it feels like. kaya gustong-gusto ko rin yung kanta ni madonna na "what it feels like for a girl." while i don't think these two women are trying hard to be feminists, the fact that they said these things make them automatic feminists in their own right... because i believe feminism is just that -- standing up to claim your rights to live a life that's secure, happy and free, and without fear of any kind.
"What It feels Like For A Girl"
[Spoken:] Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
'Cause it's OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like
Wouldn't you
What it feels like for a girl
Silky smooth
Lips as sweet as candy, baby
Tight blue jeans
Skin that shows in patches
Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl
Hair that twirls on finger tips so gently, baby
Hands that rest on jutting hips repenting
Hurt that's not supposed to show
And tears that fall when no one knows
When you're trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
What it feels like for a girl
Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl
In this world
Do you know
Do you know
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
What it feels like in this world
[Spoken:] Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
'Cause it's OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like
Wouldn't you
What it feels like for a girl
Silky smooth
Lips as sweet as candy, baby
Tight blue jeans
Skin that shows in patches
Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl
Hair that twirls on finger tips so gently, baby
Hands that rest on jutting hips repenting
Hurt that's not supposed to show
And tears that fall when no one knows
When you're trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
What it feels like for a girl
Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl
In this world
Do you know
Do you know
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
What it feels like in this world
amen to that, lola madonna. amen to that.
it's strange and weird enough as it is for women. what about women who love women pa? aye, there's the rub, 'ika nga ni shakespeare.
naaalala ko yung isang patawa ng ilang participants dati sa Asian Lesbian Networking conference na in-attend-an ko during the late '90s. we were talking about the levels of marginalization filipinas experience. sabi nga doon, "e babae ka na tapos lesbiyana ka pa, tapos poor ka pa, tapos disabled ka pa." sige, pagsama-samahin na ang lahat ng marginalization sa sangkatauhan. sabi nga namin, "ay kawawa naman" sabay tawa.
laughing at ourselves like that doesn't hurt sometimes. pero sadly, totoo pa rin itong patung-patong na marginalization na nagyayari. kaya mapapaisip ka pa rin talaga sa lagay ng mga bagay-bagay sa patriyarkal na lipunang ito e. hay.
oh well. siya, tama na muna ang mga muni-muning ito at manananghalian muna ako.
pero salamat sa mga komento ha. sulat lang kayo ulit kung nais niyong makisali sa talakayan dito.
*
it's strange and weird enough as it is for women. what about women who love women pa? aye, there's the rub, 'ika nga ni shakespeare.
naaalala ko yung isang patawa ng ilang participants dati sa Asian Lesbian Networking conference na in-attend-an ko during the late '90s. we were talking about the levels of marginalization filipinas experience. sabi nga doon, "e babae ka na tapos lesbiyana ka pa, tapos poor ka pa, tapos disabled ka pa." sige, pagsama-samahin na ang lahat ng marginalization sa sangkatauhan. sabi nga namin, "ay kawawa naman" sabay tawa.
laughing at ourselves like that doesn't hurt sometimes. pero sadly, totoo pa rin itong patung-patong na marginalization na nagyayari. kaya mapapaisip ka pa rin talaga sa lagay ng mga bagay-bagay sa patriyarkal na lipunang ito e. hay.
oh well. siya, tama na muna ang mga muni-muning ito at manananghalian muna ako.
pero salamat sa mga komento ha. sulat lang kayo ulit kung nais niyong makisali sa talakayan dito.
18 November 2005
no apologies: farewell to qaf
was planning on having a productive (work-wise) night checking papers but decided against it. after arriving from sm shopping and doing some chores here, just felt too pooped to check papers so decided to watch the last disc of QUEER AS FOLK season 5.
and i just have to do a post-mortem of that here. it can't wait, darlings.
i'm feeling mighty nostalgic because it was like i felt an end of an era when i saw the last episode of the last season. yes, this means this is it, folks. no more queers next year -- at least the ones from pittsburgh that we've fallen in love with.
there were so many changes, so many events and so many character developments but it was still well-made, i should say. of course, they faltered a bit in some areas. i, for one, still am iffy about how they handled the lesbian couple, although i think they took a page out of THE L WORD book and wrote it in here somewhere when mel and linds had some torrid sex (finally! note to gay producers: lesbians also fuck! haller. ano akala nila, we just cuddle and dream of having babies?). well. sige na nga. i watch this show for the storylines, the advocacy and the gay guys anyway.
this last season was also well-written, good story arcs. the advocacy reminded me of season three. how apt and timely. as usual, dami patama sa government. they really reflect what's going on in the USA and it was great. really. saka hindi bitin yung ending. they ended with michael's vo saying that whatever comes, we will survive or something like that. and that's so true. kahit ano pang conservatism and fundamentalism ang maghari diyan, lalabas at lalabas ang mga queers ng mundo. so there.
ang di ko magets ay hitik ang bawa't ep ng mga nilalaman. bawa't character nila, may nangyayari per ep. hindi tulad nitong kakatapos ko lang na tlw2. di ko magets kung ano gusto gawin ng mga byaning na writer na ini pero hayyyy... they're beginning to lose me, man. chaks ng mga storylines! at ang tagal ng unraveling ng characters while yung iba, pilit ang unraveling. hay. but that's another story. back to the gay guys.
gusto ko ang pagkakasulat ng show kasi buong buo ang mga karakter talaga. character-driven talaga. kaya ang ganda. wow. hay. may masasabi pa ba ako? spoilers kasi ito sa mga di pa nakapanood. pero thank goodness walang namatay, at buhay pa si brian, mari. :P muntik na kasi akong atakihin sa puso nang i-suggest niya na baka mamatay si brian. nyeta pag nangyari iyon ano. grabeh.
don't you just love brian kinney? i like his character. in fact, i want to be this character. i've been channeling him to train myself of the credo he lives by: maximum amount of pleasure, minimum amount of bullshit. i actually tried that last year but the thing is, hay honeys, i am still a freaking lesbian and drama comes with this territory, so unavoidable yun. although i think i have been able to channel a bit of him in me this year, so that's cool. especially in the work department, when i metaphorically implied to a superior to go fuck herself and when i fabulously acquired rapid, er, ascension in another and fabulously handled it well. fab. fab talaga.
thumpa-thumpa!
technicals-wise, i love the innovations in the shots and presentation. ganda. may kanya-kanyang style ang directors nila at oks siya. who could ever forget the season ender shot of season 3?
hot!
and of course, i love the way it was soooooo unapologetic when it showed sex. as in real people having sex. na alam mong nag-sex at nagse-sex talaga ang mga tao, kasi hindi sila naka-cover ng sheets pagkatapos or during, for heaven's sake. who makes love under the sheets???? saka yung maglalakad after sex na nakahubad at hindi magtatapis ng twalya o kumot. lam mo yun???? now this is accurate portrayal talaga of any sex scene out there, gay or straight! ang galing!
and to think this all started with a dorky version from the UK half a decade ago. muntik na kong bumili ng original dvd set ng uk pero buti na lang may nagpahiram muna sa akin dati. ang chaka chaka chaka ng treatment pero buti na lang at niremaster ng mga 'kano, so to speak. sabagay, dun naman magaling ang kano - sa pag-remake. but this time, the remake was waaay better than the original. the uk version was so heartless. equally daring but it had less heart. the US version had more heart - and groins and beefcakes and all the fabulous things we love.
jusme, tignan mo na lang yung version nila ng brian character, that dude on the right sa taas. i mean, haller, yan na ba ang pinakagwapo that manchester has to offer? ha? ha? please lang!
on a personal note, it was heart-wrenching to listen to most of the storylines of this last season because time and again, it hit close to home. super-close, especially when brian and justin were talking about getting together for good. brian said something like "you shouldn't change who you are or sacrifice what you want to do just because of love." man, how i could relate sooo much to that. i know how awfully hard it is for someone to sacrifice his (or her) art to be with someone lang ek. so damn hard. sometimes, you realize it too late, and the hurt gets so bad. but then, that's life. kaya it's such a grateful thing to find someone who truly understands who you are and what you do and supports you all throughout. and i am thankful for that now. saka isa pang line na sabi naman ni justin: "we don't need rings or vows to know we love each other. we already do" or something like that. again, kapow!
i've been rethinking that nga lately, e, my stand on gay marriage and my original stand on marriage per se as an institution (against). it's not really for everyone but to those who want it, i say give it to them, gay or straight. we all have the same human rights dapat kaya di dapat ito ipagkait. but as for me...hm. sometimes you find the perfect girl to marry but someone already beat you to it. parang yung kinanta ni lola alanis "it's meeting the man of your dreams and meeting his beautiful wife." isn't it ironic? more like tragic, man. more like tragic. so you just settle with what's available and make do with what you both have at the moment. if that is as good as it gets, then so be it. the important thing is, you're both happy and productive.
yeah, it's hard to decide which person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, especially in this set-up. the environ is volatile, very unpredictable. but still, life is a gamble. why waste time watching others play? get in the game. kaya game naman tayong lahat, dapat. pero dapat, kahit alam nating magiging talunan din tayo minsan, kelangan mag-effort din naman tayong manalo paminsan-minsan. patas lang.
dami kong natutunan sa show na ito. na-reinforce ang iba kong ideologies at nadebunk and ilang doubts while reaffirming things i strongly believe in (such as, lesbian and gay rights are human rights). and for that, i will forever be grateful.
strange as people
and i just have to do a post-mortem of that here. it can't wait, darlings.
i'm feeling mighty nostalgic because it was like i felt an end of an era when i saw the last episode of the last season. yes, this means this is it, folks. no more queers next year -- at least the ones from pittsburgh that we've fallen in love with.
there were so many changes, so many events and so many character developments but it was still well-made, i should say. of course, they faltered a bit in some areas. i, for one, still am iffy about how they handled the lesbian couple, although i think they took a page out of THE L WORD book and wrote it in here somewhere when mel and linds had some torrid sex (finally! note to gay producers: lesbians also fuck! haller. ano akala nila, we just cuddle and dream of having babies?). well. sige na nga. i watch this show for the storylines, the advocacy and the gay guys anyway.
this last season was also well-written, good story arcs. the advocacy reminded me of season three. how apt and timely. as usual, dami patama sa government. they really reflect what's going on in the USA and it was great. really. saka hindi bitin yung ending. they ended with michael's vo saying that whatever comes, we will survive or something like that. and that's so true. kahit ano pang conservatism and fundamentalism ang maghari diyan, lalabas at lalabas ang mga queers ng mundo. so there.
ang di ko magets ay hitik ang bawa't ep ng mga nilalaman. bawa't character nila, may nangyayari per ep. hindi tulad nitong kakatapos ko lang na tlw2. di ko magets kung ano gusto gawin ng mga byaning na writer na ini pero hayyyy... they're beginning to lose me, man. chaks ng mga storylines! at ang tagal ng unraveling ng characters while yung iba, pilit ang unraveling. hay. but that's another story. back to the gay guys.
gusto ko ang pagkakasulat ng show kasi buong buo ang mga karakter talaga. character-driven talaga. kaya ang ganda. wow. hay. may masasabi pa ba ako? spoilers kasi ito sa mga di pa nakapanood. pero thank goodness walang namatay, at buhay pa si brian, mari. :P muntik na kasi akong atakihin sa puso nang i-suggest niya na baka mamatay si brian. nyeta pag nangyari iyon ano. grabeh.
don't you just love brian kinney? i like his character. in fact, i want to be this character. i've been channeling him to train myself of the credo he lives by: maximum amount of pleasure, minimum amount of bullshit. i actually tried that last year but the thing is, hay honeys, i am still a freaking lesbian and drama comes with this territory, so unavoidable yun. although i think i have been able to channel a bit of him in me this year, so that's cool. especially in the work department, when i metaphorically implied to a superior to go fuck herself and when i fabulously acquired rapid, er, ascension in another and fabulously handled it well. fab. fab talaga.
thumpa-thumpa!
technicals-wise, i love the innovations in the shots and presentation. ganda. may kanya-kanyang style ang directors nila at oks siya. who could ever forget the season ender shot of season 3?
hot!
and of course, i love the way it was soooooo unapologetic when it showed sex. as in real people having sex. na alam mong nag-sex at nagse-sex talaga ang mga tao, kasi hindi sila naka-cover ng sheets pagkatapos or during, for heaven's sake. who makes love under the sheets???? saka yung maglalakad after sex na nakahubad at hindi magtatapis ng twalya o kumot. lam mo yun???? now this is accurate portrayal talaga of any sex scene out there, gay or straight! ang galing!
and to think this all started with a dorky version from the UK half a decade ago. muntik na kong bumili ng original dvd set ng uk pero buti na lang may nagpahiram muna sa akin dati. ang chaka chaka chaka ng treatment pero buti na lang at niremaster ng mga 'kano, so to speak. sabagay, dun naman magaling ang kano - sa pag-remake. but this time, the remake was waaay better than the original. the uk version was so heartless. equally daring but it had less heart. the US version had more heart - and groins and beefcakes and all the fabulous things we love.
jusme, tignan mo na lang yung version nila ng brian character, that dude on the right sa taas. i mean, haller, yan na ba ang pinakagwapo that manchester has to offer? ha? ha? please lang!
on a personal note, it was heart-wrenching to listen to most of the storylines of this last season because time and again, it hit close to home. super-close, especially when brian and justin were talking about getting together for good. brian said something like "you shouldn't change who you are or sacrifice what you want to do just because of love." man, how i could relate sooo much to that. i know how awfully hard it is for someone to sacrifice his (or her) art to be with someone lang ek. so damn hard. sometimes, you realize it too late, and the hurt gets so bad. but then, that's life. kaya it's such a grateful thing to find someone who truly understands who you are and what you do and supports you all throughout. and i am thankful for that now. saka isa pang line na sabi naman ni justin: "we don't need rings or vows to know we love each other. we already do" or something like that. again, kapow!
i've been rethinking that nga lately, e, my stand on gay marriage and my original stand on marriage per se as an institution (against). it's not really for everyone but to those who want it, i say give it to them, gay or straight. we all have the same human rights dapat kaya di dapat ito ipagkait. but as for me...hm. sometimes you find the perfect girl to marry but someone already beat you to it. parang yung kinanta ni lola alanis "it's meeting the man of your dreams and meeting his beautiful wife." isn't it ironic? more like tragic, man. more like tragic. so you just settle with what's available and make do with what you both have at the moment. if that is as good as it gets, then so be it. the important thing is, you're both happy and productive.
yeah, it's hard to decide which person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, especially in this set-up. the environ is volatile, very unpredictable. but still, life is a gamble. why waste time watching others play? get in the game. kaya game naman tayong lahat, dapat. pero dapat, kahit alam nating magiging talunan din tayo minsan, kelangan mag-effort din naman tayong manalo paminsan-minsan. patas lang.
dami kong natutunan sa show na ito. na-reinforce ang iba kong ideologies at nadebunk and ilang doubts while reaffirming things i strongly believe in (such as, lesbian and gay rights are human rights). and for that, i will forever be grateful.
strange as people
a fabulous farewell, folks. i'll miss ya lots.
05 November 2005
cue the pulse to begin
i had a very tiring day but i don't think i want to dwell on that. it's just so weird because in all my years of working in film and video production, this was the most tiring day of shooting i have ever had. worse than when we had to hang out in cavite or somewhere out of manila to babysit some artista for premiere before. worse than when we had to stay up late all night or something to wait for the director to finish the shoot and all. worse than the most indiefilm set-up of shoot (i.e. one woman crew) i have ever had. super. but i don't think i wanna elaborate on that here, really. i just want to... hay, tune out.
tune out, and tune in to something different. so when times are rough, we always run to old reliables. take your pick: yosi, liquor, new episodes of THE L WORD and QUEER AS FOLK, talking with your mom about something irritating.
all of the above.
while shopping for production stuff yesterday in quiapo, of course it would be against my nature not to check out my suki dvd stalls. and guess what i found. yeah, TLW season 2 and QAF season 5. yehei! originally, i just went to buy SMALLVILLE season 4 but thank goodness for queerily sharp eyes, eh. sarap! :)
catching up with the TLW girls was like catching up with old friends you've missed a lot. but it also means flaschbacking to times when you were watching the first season and things in your life funnily reminded you of certain episodes. and it's still doing that now so after 2 eps, i just had to stop watching and switch to the gay guys. but then, that, too, made me flashback quite a few scenes kaya, hay... mamaya na lang ulit. after i've lubricated my brain with this writing activity. (but i still protest the lesbian couple treatment in qaf and the phenomenally bad writer storyline of freaking jenny. puwede ba. naiinsulto ako as a lesbian short story writer ha! but i'm just in ep2 so we'll see...)
so pictures na lang muna. here's the LGBT NYT SA CONSPIRACY photos or as we organizers lovingly termed it, "titi-puki-nyt" hehe (second runner up: bukas LULU-HOK ang mga tala courtesy of omeng). note that not all performers are lgbt-oriented or identified. some are lgbt-friendly lang baga. bahala na kayo maghula kung sino.
hostsss with the mostsss...
roselle and melfrench were the hosts for the evening. super low energy mag-host ang lola dahil sick siya daw. low energies pa yang lagay na yan ha. hehe. and of course, this wouldn't be conspiracy if there was no double triple bookings for the night. so there's this katribu band at the back (who sounded like they borrowed their equipment from pinikpikan, sabi ni mel hehe) na sabi nila binuk ni vim for back-up. eh????????? wotevah. at wala pa tayo sa orange and lemons set ha. after us. devah.
neil gay-man
what's an lgbt writers night without neil garcia? so there he was, punctuating his readings with "okay, that didn't happen" or "okay, that happened." haha he was cute. with the beard and all.
double the fun
cutie james doble quoted a FINDING FORRESTER quote saying people go to poetry readings to get laid. REALLY??????? in the philippines, i really doubt that. although i saw quite a few that night who seemed to be getting pretty lucky...hmm...
joey b of a_b
joey baquiran. galing niya mag-tagalog tula talaga.
ralphie
good ol' ralph galan. whatever happened between the two of us as friends before, nakaka-miss siya as a friend. miss ko days namin just hanging out and cruising at malate. guess kung sino winona lagi. at sa mga afam. syempre hindi ako. hehe. (or, hindi pa teeheehee) ah, those were the days...
francis martinez
amboy ba siya? may accent eh. anyway, it's the guys who invited him naman e. i really don't know him.
butch francisco. teeheehee.
that's guerrero for you or as we recall calling him way back in our '97 UP writers workshop in baguio, barang. bakit nga ba barang? hm. kaming tatlo nina omeng ang masipag umupo weekly over lunch at magplanu nitong gabing ito. paid off naman pretty swell, methinks.
aries atienza
suki reader nina omeng and butch. he's nice.
nori de dios
haba ng dagli ng lolo ha. kaya di tuloy ako nakabasa! hehe. nah, kasalanan yun ng orangefarts and lemonheads talaga.
chameleon dance theater
i don't really understand why trained dance gay guys seem to have the same style... reminded me of this upbabaylan dude who used to dance a lot during pride marches. and jay cruz.
aida santos, extraordinaire
yep, the one and only. i'm glad she comes out and reads a lot these days. i like hearing her tell her own pieces.
germaine leonin
reading someone else's work. i wonder when she'll read her own.
mari santiago
reading her own. at napa WHOOOAAH! ang mga coorganizers kong tibakish-nd when she titled her poem 'internationale" hehe. love in the time of rallies baga ang drama? teehee. hey mare, ring me up for any nomo ha.
onti ng L no. hay. lagi namang ganyan sa mga events. sabi nga ng ex-boss kong malaysian na si susanna, "they should rename these events man. it should be LGbt lah."
tru. lalo na pag white party weekend. pagkakamali naming lumibot kami dati sa malate ng white party weekend, i swear. and ending up in, of all places, bed!!!!! suz.
malu
lola malu marin didn't really read. i don't think she's a literary person. nag-plug lang ang lola ng upcoming pride march chuvaloo.
strap it on!
dee of the society of transsexual women of the phil read a "vagina-less monologue" hehe. ang cute.
babes and mira and dude in square drum
sabi ni babes, sorry pero di pa raw siya nagta-transform sa other side hehe. is she sure???? hehe. ala lang. you know me, lagi naghahanap ng kakampi.
danicar mariano
she sang and read some octavio paz lines yata, if i remember it correctly.
dodong and celeste
tuck and patti, kayo ba yan? char!
the owdyens
enjoy naman sila
at ang dami nila hah! tiba tiba ang conspi.
it was a good night overall. i was happy even if i didn't get to read talaga. talaga. talaga! hehe bitter. wala lang, it was just touching to hear friends say na they stuck around because they wanted to hear me read. now that's friendship lah.
tune out, and tune in to something different. so when times are rough, we always run to old reliables. take your pick: yosi, liquor, new episodes of THE L WORD and QUEER AS FOLK, talking with your mom about something irritating.
all of the above.
while shopping for production stuff yesterday in quiapo, of course it would be against my nature not to check out my suki dvd stalls. and guess what i found. yeah, TLW season 2 and QAF season 5. yehei! originally, i just went to buy SMALLVILLE season 4 but thank goodness for queerily sharp eyes, eh. sarap! :)
catching up with the TLW girls was like catching up with old friends you've missed a lot. but it also means flaschbacking to times when you were watching the first season and things in your life funnily reminded you of certain episodes. and it's still doing that now so after 2 eps, i just had to stop watching and switch to the gay guys. but then, that, too, made me flashback quite a few scenes kaya, hay... mamaya na lang ulit. after i've lubricated my brain with this writing activity. (but i still protest the lesbian couple treatment in qaf and the phenomenally bad writer storyline of freaking jenny. puwede ba. naiinsulto ako as a lesbian short story writer ha! but i'm just in ep2 so we'll see...)
so pictures na lang muna. here's the LGBT NYT SA CONSPIRACY photos or as we organizers lovingly termed it, "titi-puki-nyt" hehe (second runner up: bukas LULU-HOK ang mga tala courtesy of omeng). note that not all performers are lgbt-oriented or identified. some are lgbt-friendly lang baga. bahala na kayo maghula kung sino.
hostsss with the mostsss...roselle and melfrench were the hosts for the evening. super low energy mag-host ang lola dahil sick siya daw. low energies pa yang lagay na yan ha. hehe. and of course, this wouldn't be conspiracy if there was no double triple bookings for the night. so there's this katribu band at the back (who sounded like they borrowed their equipment from pinikpikan, sabi ni mel hehe) na sabi nila binuk ni vim for back-up. eh????????? wotevah. at wala pa tayo sa orange and lemons set ha. after us. devah.
neil gay-man what's an lgbt writers night without neil garcia? so there he was, punctuating his readings with "okay, that didn't happen" or "okay, that happened." haha he was cute. with the beard and all.
double the funcutie james doble quoted a FINDING FORRESTER quote saying people go to poetry readings to get laid. REALLY??????? in the philippines, i really doubt that. although i saw quite a few that night who seemed to be getting pretty lucky...hmm...
joey b of a_bjoey baquiran. galing niya mag-tagalog tula talaga.
ralphiegood ol' ralph galan. whatever happened between the two of us as friends before, nakaka-miss siya as a friend. miss ko days namin just hanging out and cruising at malate. guess kung sino winona lagi. at sa mga afam. syempre hindi ako. hehe. (or, hindi pa teeheehee) ah, those were the days...
francis martinezamboy ba siya? may accent eh. anyway, it's the guys who invited him naman e. i really don't know him.
butch francisco. teeheehee.that's guerrero for you or as we recall calling him way back in our '97 UP writers workshop in baguio, barang. bakit nga ba barang? hm. kaming tatlo nina omeng ang masipag umupo weekly over lunch at magplanu nitong gabing ito. paid off naman pretty swell, methinks.
aries atienzasuki reader nina omeng and butch. he's nice.
nori de dioshaba ng dagli ng lolo ha. kaya di tuloy ako nakabasa! hehe. nah, kasalanan yun ng orangefarts and lemonheads talaga.
chameleon dance theateri don't really understand why trained dance gay guys seem to have the same style... reminded me of this upbabaylan dude who used to dance a lot during pride marches. and jay cruz.
aida santos, extraordinaireyep, the one and only. i'm glad she comes out and reads a lot these days. i like hearing her tell her own pieces.
germaine leoninreading someone else's work. i wonder when she'll read her own.
mari santiagoreading her own. at napa WHOOOAAH! ang mga coorganizers kong tibakish-nd when she titled her poem 'internationale" hehe. love in the time of rallies baga ang drama? teehee. hey mare, ring me up for any nomo ha.
onti ng L no. hay. lagi namang ganyan sa mga events. sabi nga ng ex-boss kong malaysian na si susanna, "they should rename these events man. it should be LGbt lah."
tru. lalo na pag white party weekend. pagkakamali naming lumibot kami dati sa malate ng white party weekend, i swear. and ending up in, of all places, bed!!!!! suz.
malulola malu marin didn't really read. i don't think she's a literary person. nag-plug lang ang lola ng upcoming pride march chuvaloo.
strap it on!dee of the society of transsexual women of the phil read a "vagina-less monologue" hehe. ang cute.
babes and mira and dude in square drumsabi ni babes, sorry pero di pa raw siya nagta-transform sa other side hehe. is she sure???? hehe. ala lang. you know me, lagi naghahanap ng kakampi.
danicar marianoshe sang and read some octavio paz lines yata, if i remember it correctly.
dodong and celestetuck and patti, kayo ba yan? char!
the owdyens enjoy naman sila
at ang dami nila hah! tiba tiba ang conspi.
it was a good night overall. i was happy even if i didn't get to read talaga. talaga. talaga! hehe bitter. wala lang, it was just touching to hear friends say na they stuck around because they wanted to hear me read. now that's friendship lah.
29 September 2005
channeling carrie
decided to surf the cable for the night for a nightcap earlier but failed in the csi double mission. replay ang csi vegas but saw something else: SEX AND THE CITY reruns preceded by a docu on it. the show ended sometime ago and i think they're rerunning the final season on hbo.
after about season 4, i think, i stopped watching this show because it stopped being witty and it just became...melodramatically fashionable. the wit took a vacation, the humor took a leave of absence and man, the shwe-shwes started claiming the show for the fashion element eklat. major turn off. for me, it has always been the story, witty dialogues and great characterization. c'est tout.
seeing the double-show tonight was great. it reminded me of the first seasons. i loved the book; kia lent it to me when she found it in their booksale warehouse "raid." season 1 and 2 reflected the book superbly but well, hollywood took over later on. and the fashion industry. dun na namatay ang interes ko. and besides, QUEER AS FOLK just came to my attention at that time so goodbye straight women, hello gay guys and token lesbian couple. then THE L WORD came and wow, wala na talaga ako sa het scene; traded manhattan maidens for los angeles lesbianics.
but the eps tonight were great. bumalik yung humor. and i didn't know na ang dami na palang nangyari sa girls. charlotte got married again to a sensitive bald guy, carrie's dating a russian artist but that fucker mister big's still leaving an imprint (i hate him to death and i hated her for hurting aidan the furniture maker -- the storyline was very close to home at the time of airing kasi nyeheheh), miranda got married to steve din pala after having his baby, and my idol samantha had stage one cancer removed. breast c siguro. she's in chemo now.
wow. talk about growing up. the show did just that. an ep just caught my attention one cable-surfing time years ago during the first season because that was the time i was being a siryus en dedikeyted writer and i was like making love to my computer na every night and writing the hell out of me. kaya relate ako dun kay carrie the writer in a sense. the grouping reminded me of my 2 high school friends na ka-chika ko during my het days when we used to meet like every tuesday night yata and talk about sexual encounters chuva. yea, just like what they were doing in the show. i was in my early twenties then and it was fun. the manhattan girls were in their thirties but the talk sounded the same. it was a blast.
so now i'm channeling carrie bradshaw and just typing away. and like a typical (filipino?) writer, there's a computer in front of me and an alcoholic drink by my side hehe. ching.
but i'm amazed. the good writing is back. i guess they really went overtime in brainstorming and tried to produce a memorable last season. pero ganun pa rin; the reasons why i fell in love with this show before were back, and more -- and updated. i mean, hey, samantha had cancer. shit, i can relate to that scare. it was just early this year when i went voluntarily for an ultrasound because i thought i felt something in my breasts. false alarm, thank goddesses (ang official finding: malaki lang ang suso mo hija, normal nodules lang yan. nyeta). but having women near my age getting breast cancer was just freaky. truly freaky. it reminds us that we're all creatures with indefinite but upcoming deadlines. that was a scary time, man. well, buti na lang nireimburse ng isis yung part ng medical expense.
and then there's charlotte and marriage, again, and having a baby. well, i gave up on having a baby a long time ago. college pa lang kami, tambay sa lobby ng masscomm e nadesisyunan ko na ito, na ayaw kong magbuntis. pero natatapat naman ako sa mga babaeng nais magbuntis... life is funny in a non-haha type of way sometimes, y'know.
tapos miranda and steve got married and looking for a house in brooklyn. i can just imagine my good friend in new york who underwent the same househunting scheme years ago with her partner. siguro she had the same picture there. i can imagine them like that, complete with the ket and the doggiedog. it made me nostalgic for her and i missed her company upon seeing that scene. i miss having conversations with good, decent, smart and funny people lately, and she's one of a kind in this sense.
interesting turn of events. now i'm curious how it ended. yea, i avoided the hullaballo when it ended kasi nga because of the shwe shwe rockwell fashionista crowd claiming. i just received constant updates from my sister in california who was texting me about the details. well, now i'm watching again. in the end, it's still the writing that matters. i already know these women. i want to know how it ends, and how they leave us. they left an imprint in me, at a time when i was looking for originality that spoke to me -- and it did. wow. i'm looking for the same thing now, but with the exlusive women flavor na. sadly, even TLW can't live up to that.
i need to write that show myself, i guess. wish me luck.
*
well, i had a nice day overall gastronomically speaking. had a meeting with a warner music exec while having prime rib steak and a nice lady client while having eggplant parmigiana. yum. it was a nice day. sayang hindi pa ready ang 16mm works ng students ko so we're seeing that next week. on friday, i deal with screenplays. argh. wish me luck. need betacarotene loading.
*
hey, a kyoto-based australian acquaintance of mine (the one who looks a lot like nicole kidman, no kidding) just emailed saying they'll be here in november. kewl! sayang hindi october, abutan sana nila yung feminista series sa bistro. yea darating din yung jap friend niyang kasama, the one who showed me her cellphone with a tv! as in tv! well, it would be nice to hang out with them again! looking forward to that.
and as we say goodnight...
ganoooooon? i hated FULL FRONTAL ha utang na loob! i demand a recount! hello garci...
after about season 4, i think, i stopped watching this show because it stopped being witty and it just became...melodramatically fashionable. the wit took a vacation, the humor took a leave of absence and man, the shwe-shwes started claiming the show for the fashion element eklat. major turn off. for me, it has always been the story, witty dialogues and great characterization. c'est tout.
seeing the double-show tonight was great. it reminded me of the first seasons. i loved the book; kia lent it to me when she found it in their booksale warehouse "raid." season 1 and 2 reflected the book superbly but well, hollywood took over later on. and the fashion industry. dun na namatay ang interes ko. and besides, QUEER AS FOLK just came to my attention at that time so goodbye straight women, hello gay guys and token lesbian couple. then THE L WORD came and wow, wala na talaga ako sa het scene; traded manhattan maidens for los angeles lesbianics.
but the eps tonight were great. bumalik yung humor. and i didn't know na ang dami na palang nangyari sa girls. charlotte got married again to a sensitive bald guy, carrie's dating a russian artist but that fucker mister big's still leaving an imprint (i hate him to death and i hated her for hurting aidan the furniture maker -- the storyline was very close to home at the time of airing kasi nyeheheh), miranda got married to steve din pala after having his baby, and my idol samantha had stage one cancer removed. breast c siguro. she's in chemo now.
wow. talk about growing up. the show did just that. an ep just caught my attention one cable-surfing time years ago during the first season because that was the time i was being a siryus en dedikeyted writer and i was like making love to my computer na every night and writing the hell out of me. kaya relate ako dun kay carrie the writer in a sense. the grouping reminded me of my 2 high school friends na ka-chika ko during my het days when we used to meet like every tuesday night yata and talk about sexual encounters chuva. yea, just like what they were doing in the show. i was in my early twenties then and it was fun. the manhattan girls were in their thirties but the talk sounded the same. it was a blast.
so now i'm channeling carrie bradshaw and just typing away. and like a typical (filipino?) writer, there's a computer in front of me and an alcoholic drink by my side hehe. ching.
but i'm amazed. the good writing is back. i guess they really went overtime in brainstorming and tried to produce a memorable last season. pero ganun pa rin; the reasons why i fell in love with this show before were back, and more -- and updated. i mean, hey, samantha had cancer. shit, i can relate to that scare. it was just early this year when i went voluntarily for an ultrasound because i thought i felt something in my breasts. false alarm, thank goddesses (ang official finding: malaki lang ang suso mo hija, normal nodules lang yan. nyeta). but having women near my age getting breast cancer was just freaky. truly freaky. it reminds us that we're all creatures with indefinite but upcoming deadlines. that was a scary time, man. well, buti na lang nireimburse ng isis yung part ng medical expense.
and then there's charlotte and marriage, again, and having a baby. well, i gave up on having a baby a long time ago. college pa lang kami, tambay sa lobby ng masscomm e nadesisyunan ko na ito, na ayaw kong magbuntis. pero natatapat naman ako sa mga babaeng nais magbuntis... life is funny in a non-haha type of way sometimes, y'know.
tapos miranda and steve got married and looking for a house in brooklyn. i can just imagine my good friend in new york who underwent the same househunting scheme years ago with her partner. siguro she had the same picture there. i can imagine them like that, complete with the ket and the doggiedog. it made me nostalgic for her and i missed her company upon seeing that scene. i miss having conversations with good, decent, smart and funny people lately, and she's one of a kind in this sense.
interesting turn of events. now i'm curious how it ended. yea, i avoided the hullaballo when it ended kasi nga because of the shwe shwe rockwell fashionista crowd claiming. i just received constant updates from my sister in california who was texting me about the details. well, now i'm watching again. in the end, it's still the writing that matters. i already know these women. i want to know how it ends, and how they leave us. they left an imprint in me, at a time when i was looking for originality that spoke to me -- and it did. wow. i'm looking for the same thing now, but with the exlusive women flavor na. sadly, even TLW can't live up to that.
i need to write that show myself, i guess. wish me luck.
*
well, i had a nice day overall gastronomically speaking. had a meeting with a warner music exec while having prime rib steak and a nice lady client while having eggplant parmigiana. yum. it was a nice day. sayang hindi pa ready ang 16mm works ng students ko so we're seeing that next week. on friday, i deal with screenplays. argh. wish me luck. need betacarotene loading.
*
hey, a kyoto-based australian acquaintance of mine (the one who looks a lot like nicole kidman, no kidding) just emailed saying they'll be here in november. kewl! sayang hindi october, abutan sana nila yung feminista series sa bistro. yea darating din yung jap friend niyang kasama, the one who showed me her cellphone with a tv! as in tv! well, it would be nice to hang out with them again! looking forward to that.
and as we say goodnight...
| Steven Soderbergh Your film will be 56% romantic, 27% comedy, 40% complex plot, and a $ 30 million budget. |
| Filmography: Sex Lies and Videotape, Traffic, Ocean's Eleven, Ocean's Twelve, Erin Brockovich, and various other homemade independent films. He may just want to follow you around for a few months and construct a film out of that. Your humor is either dry or non-existant, but your life is somewhat exciting romantically because you're "bad." At least you'll be surrounded by the best-looking people who will be cast as your friends, who in real life are probably just as good-looking. Then when he wins the Academy Award for your film, he won't have to make anymore "Ocean's" films. |
 |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The Director Who Films Your Life Test written by bingomosquito on Ok Cupid |
ganoooooon? i hated FULL FRONTAL ha utang na loob! i demand a recount! hello garci...
21 September 2005
martial law baby
decades ago today, the philippines was placed under martial law by a now-dead president. tyrant is more like it.
i've always been labeled as a martial law baby because i was born in april 1973. i was already in my mum's womb when it was declared. pero nang nagkamulat ako, puro dilaw na ang nasa kalye. i was 13 when cory aquino became president. so saan talaga ako belong? i don't know. actually, i don't care anymore.
thirtyplus years later, the country is still fucked up. i remember there was a time when i can convert one whole US dollar into pesos (twenty pesos) and i can even convert its smaller equivalents (dime, nickel, quarter). this was how i used to budget buying chocolate bars in vending machines inside clark air base in pampanga where my pop was stationed for a while as the manager of pldt. that was also how i budgeted how much was the cup of baskin robbins ice cream i was ordering (para hindi mapagalitan ni mommy na sobrang mahal). that was also how i computed how much i lost na in those huge pinball machines na pacman game sa bowling alley doon. i spent part of my childhood that way. now, i can't even keep up if the dollar is already 50 pesos or more, or if it already hit 60. hay naku. matutulad kaya tayo sa mga bansa tulad ng laos na ang denomination ng pera nila ay mas marami pa sa apat na zero dahil ganun kababa ang value ng pera nila? (yea, akala ko ang rich ng friend kong laotian when she showed me she had a 10,000 bill in her wallet. hindi pala).
anyway, why am i blogging this? i read a leaflet earlier kasi from...anak... one of those groups. anakbayan? something. inside UP, na martial law ek nga pala today, and they were encouraging people to march to oust gloria and wear red. so i wore my yellow-starred red shirt from hanoi that my friend dré gave me when she came home from vietnam dati. puwede na?
to answer your Q bjelland, anybody can write a lesbian story as long as the sensibilities of the story properly depict/reflect/uplift the lesbian experience. but that's just my opinion. crucial diyan yung uplift. dapat positivity naman ang maidulot ng new body of work sa lesbian literature ng non-lesbian writer. that goes for films, too. i'm just reacting on those macho men who try to interpret lesbian writings and infuse their own interpretations... kung interpretation nga bang matatawag iyon. what i mean is, adaptation na nga ini, di pa pinaghusayan. kung sinulat nila yun, ayos lang. look at kevin clark's... what's that film na may lesbian character? ewan ko. feeling ko forgivable yun pero he didn't try to reprsent naman the lesbian experience there e, parang a lesbian thru his eyes lang ang characterization so that's okay.
did i make sense?
parang yung sa pilot episode ng THE L WORD when one half of the lesbian couple was reacting to having a het male psychiatrist for their counseling session. e gets na gets naman ng doc yung lez experience so keri siyang pakinggan.
ay ewan basta yun na yun. hehe.
marami na namang nagsulat ng materyal na lesbian na di lesbian. si caroline hau yata may short story noon na ganito. parang ako, i have several published short stories with gay male leads. e hindi naman ako bakla in body (in spirit lang hehe). deva lola? so go write!
i've always been labeled as a martial law baby because i was born in april 1973. i was already in my mum's womb when it was declared. pero nang nagkamulat ako, puro dilaw na ang nasa kalye. i was 13 when cory aquino became president. so saan talaga ako belong? i don't know. actually, i don't care anymore.
thirtyplus years later, the country is still fucked up. i remember there was a time when i can convert one whole US dollar into pesos (twenty pesos) and i can even convert its smaller equivalents (dime, nickel, quarter). this was how i used to budget buying chocolate bars in vending machines inside clark air base in pampanga where my pop was stationed for a while as the manager of pldt. that was also how i budgeted how much was the cup of baskin robbins ice cream i was ordering (para hindi mapagalitan ni mommy na sobrang mahal). that was also how i computed how much i lost na in those huge pinball machines na pacman game sa bowling alley doon. i spent part of my childhood that way. now, i can't even keep up if the dollar is already 50 pesos or more, or if it already hit 60. hay naku. matutulad kaya tayo sa mga bansa tulad ng laos na ang denomination ng pera nila ay mas marami pa sa apat na zero dahil ganun kababa ang value ng pera nila? (yea, akala ko ang rich ng friend kong laotian when she showed me she had a 10,000 bill in her wallet. hindi pala).
anyway, why am i blogging this? i read a leaflet earlier kasi from...anak... one of those groups. anakbayan? something. inside UP, na martial law ek nga pala today, and they were encouraging people to march to oust gloria and wear red. so i wore my yellow-starred red shirt from hanoi that my friend dré gave me when she came home from vietnam dati. puwede na?
to answer your Q bjelland, anybody can write a lesbian story as long as the sensibilities of the story properly depict/reflect/uplift the lesbian experience. but that's just my opinion. crucial diyan yung uplift. dapat positivity naman ang maidulot ng new body of work sa lesbian literature ng non-lesbian writer. that goes for films, too. i'm just reacting on those macho men who try to interpret lesbian writings and infuse their own interpretations... kung interpretation nga bang matatawag iyon. what i mean is, adaptation na nga ini, di pa pinaghusayan. kung sinulat nila yun, ayos lang. look at kevin clark's... what's that film na may lesbian character? ewan ko. feeling ko forgivable yun pero he didn't try to reprsent naman the lesbian experience there e, parang a lesbian thru his eyes lang ang characterization so that's okay.
did i make sense?
parang yung sa pilot episode ng THE L WORD when one half of the lesbian couple was reacting to having a het male psychiatrist for their counseling session. e gets na gets naman ng doc yung lez experience so keri siyang pakinggan.
ay ewan basta yun na yun. hehe.
marami na namang nagsulat ng materyal na lesbian na di lesbian. si caroline hau yata may short story noon na ganito. parang ako, i have several published short stories with gay male leads. e hindi naman ako bakla in body (in spirit lang hehe). deva lola? so go write!
02 September 2005
in between waking and sleeping...
...sucks. big time. especially if your "higher powers" are somewhat going on and off the radar for some time now. paranormal is an understatement. hay. good thing i have cats here. sa totoo lang. wanted to get one more pa nga sana, earlier, when we saw kitties at malingap. i want a black kitty because it has blue eyes. hey, my eyes were blue when i was a baby. most people thought i was american when i was small. okay where did that come from?
waking or sleeping? tangna i need to acquire crystals. bigger ones. they helped before. wah. running out of incense, too. anybody out there going to thailand soon? magpapabili ako incense cones sandamakmak. email me. i'm serious. and colgate herbal na rin. :)
i am somewhat addicted to two reality shows lately, pero okay lang din na ma-miss. yeah you guessed it, Rock STAR INXS, before, i thought bakit kelangan nilang palitan si michael hutchence? walang makakapalit sa kanya! can those guys sing "need you tonight" and make you water-water down there? noooooo. syempre, as a default pinoy, i root for MiG ayesa, the pinoy-aussie dude who looks like a very lanky hobbit. i hope they kick that jd out na please lang. nuknukan ng yabang ang puta. saka si marty, parang botox ang mukha, hindi gumagalaw ang lines. walang lines! nalaglag kanina yung black dude. yeah i agree with his comment, mukhang may tinge of racial profiling don in a way. australia pa.
the other show? THE APPRENTICE. sinong nanalo last season??? i missed the ending pala. yung season with people like ivana, maria and company names apex and... i forgot the other one. anyone know? leave a message. oks yung laban this season, mga nag-college at hindi. lampaso mga nag-college hahaha.
hey, i did it. submitted a 50-page headstart for a novel. yeheyyy! shucks sana mapili. goddesses bless me please. and a bright idea by a bright person: gawin ko na lang itong novel as my MA thesis! yes! oo nga! para kasing ayoko nang balikan yung early shorts ko e. baka akalain nila wala na ko ibang nasulat sa life ko kundi yung nasulat ko nung first 3 years ko of being a literary writer, parang isang ikatlong titser dyan na nakapasa ng MA nya with a very very sucky collection that contained the same characters. same characters pare. hello imagination, nahan ka???? absent. reminds me of sarah shuster ni jenny sa THE L WORD. ngak.
i just realized it's a "-ber" month na pala. they've started counting the days til xmas on the radio. fuck. how i hated the yuletide ever. but i think that will change soon. somebody important to me right now was born around that time (as in pasko talaga) so i'm beginning to think that that holiday better focus on the thought that good people were born that day aside from jesus. so i'm gonna do just that. the script, the novel, the photos and the poems won't come out and fly (soar!) if it weren't for her. so thanks.
waking or sleeping? tangna i need to acquire crystals. bigger ones. they helped before. wah. running out of incense, too. anybody out there going to thailand soon? magpapabili ako incense cones sandamakmak. email me. i'm serious. and colgate herbal na rin. :)
i am somewhat addicted to two reality shows lately, pero okay lang din na ma-miss. yeah you guessed it, Rock STAR INXS, before, i thought bakit kelangan nilang palitan si michael hutchence? walang makakapalit sa kanya! can those guys sing "need you tonight" and make you water-water down there? noooooo. syempre, as a default pinoy, i root for MiG ayesa, the pinoy-aussie dude who looks like a very lanky hobbit. i hope they kick that jd out na please lang. nuknukan ng yabang ang puta. saka si marty, parang botox ang mukha, hindi gumagalaw ang lines. walang lines! nalaglag kanina yung black dude. yeah i agree with his comment, mukhang may tinge of racial profiling don in a way. australia pa.
the other show? THE APPRENTICE. sinong nanalo last season??? i missed the ending pala. yung season with people like ivana, maria and company names apex and... i forgot the other one. anyone know? leave a message. oks yung laban this season, mga nag-college at hindi. lampaso mga nag-college hahaha.
hey, i did it. submitted a 50-page headstart for a novel. yeheyyy! shucks sana mapili. goddesses bless me please. and a bright idea by a bright person: gawin ko na lang itong novel as my MA thesis! yes! oo nga! para kasing ayoko nang balikan yung early shorts ko e. baka akalain nila wala na ko ibang nasulat sa life ko kundi yung nasulat ko nung first 3 years ko of being a literary writer, parang isang ikatlong titser dyan na nakapasa ng MA nya with a very very sucky collection that contained the same characters. same characters pare. hello imagination, nahan ka???? absent. reminds me of sarah shuster ni jenny sa THE L WORD. ngak.
i just realized it's a "-ber" month na pala. they've started counting the days til xmas on the radio. fuck. how i hated the yuletide ever. but i think that will change soon. somebody important to me right now was born around that time (as in pasko talaga) so i'm beginning to think that that holiday better focus on the thought that good people were born that day aside from jesus. so i'm gonna do just that. the script, the novel, the photos and the poems won't come out and fly (soar!) if it weren't for her. so thanks.
12 April 2005
vanity unfair
a sincere goddess's beacon of light descended upon me a thought that has been long overdue:
such is the disease i am afflicted with now. for the past year. past two years. or more. i cannot recall. boredom information overload memory loss is a sure symptom of it. ay-ay-ay....
gosh...
drew, i think i was trying to be a model in the picture below hwehwehwehwehwe. this was in baguio, my film production company's boss' baguio vacation house, circa 1996. we just bought that top thingie i was wearing for 25 pesos (or rather, my friend made pilit na bilhin ko at isuot para mag-pictorial kami hahaha). kaya ayan. a camera and imagination with beer produces such records of posterity. punyeta, 27 pa ang waistline ko niyan!!!
eto pa isa:
this was then...
ehehe byaning na ko nito eh. look closely at the earrings, kung di kayo madokleng. :) upwritersworkshopwork.
this is now
wondering whether drinking a second cup of coffee is better than reading words full of surface tension sans grounding...
anyway, not to be totally incapacitated, read my analysis of THE L WORD put in an asian/pinoy context na lang. thanks to the L word meet-up group manila for your insights, gals. will show up in the next meet-up na, promise. :)
hmm, i like what my reading today implies:
"The last few weeks have been a time to rethink old ideas, reconsider plans and to travel mental territory already covered. Now, however, we are ready to apply what we've been thinking. Details will begin to take care of themselves and we'll be free to focus on the future."
methinks the stars are correct! winner! hay. as a friend used to say to me, everything will fall into place. i think they already are. i'm glad the universe has an ear pressed on the wall of my world to listen in, and actually did some shaking up to rock my world when it heard my pleas... thanks cosmos. may the force be with me talaga...
phvwuuung!!!
--- !!!!!!!analysis paralysis!!!!!!! ---
such is the disease i am afflicted with now. for the past year. past two years. or more. i cannot recall. boredom information overload memory loss is a sure symptom of it. ay-ay-ay....
gosh...
drew, i think i was trying to be a model in the picture below hwehwehwehwehwe. this was in baguio, my film production company's boss' baguio vacation house, circa 1996. we just bought that top thingie i was wearing for 25 pesos (or rather, my friend made pilit na bilhin ko at isuot para mag-pictorial kami hahaha). kaya ayan. a camera and imagination with beer produces such records of posterity. punyeta, 27 pa ang waistline ko niyan!!!
eto pa isa:
this was then...ehehe byaning na ko nito eh. look closely at the earrings, kung di kayo madokleng. :) upwritersworkshopwork.
this is nowwondering whether drinking a second cup of coffee is better than reading words full of surface tension sans grounding...
anyway, not to be totally incapacitated, read my analysis of THE L WORD put in an asian/pinoy context na lang. thanks to the L word meet-up group manila for your insights, gals. will show up in the next meet-up na, promise. :)
hmm, i like what my reading today implies:
"The last few weeks have been a time to rethink old ideas, reconsider plans and to travel mental territory already covered. Now, however, we are ready to apply what we've been thinking. Details will begin to take care of themselves and we'll be free to focus on the future."
methinks the stars are correct! winner! hay. as a friend used to say to me, everything will fall into place. i think they already are. i'm glad the universe has an ear pressed on the wall of my world to listen in, and actually did some shaking up to rock my world when it heard my pleas... thanks cosmos. may the force be with me talaga...
phvwuuung!!!
27 March 2005
latak thoughts for the day
obvious bang tumatakas ako sa mga serious brain work today? kasi naman, halos wala rin akong holiday na tinamo pala. been working. ni hindi ko nagampanan ang panonood ng first 5 episodes ng THE L WORD season 2 aarrrrgghh! will do that this week, promise. waaaaah. i miss these gurls na. wanna see na da latina, too, hehehe.
at least yung isa kong balak e ginawa ko. pinanood ko yung isang ellen degeneres stand-up act. hahaha kakatawa ang lola. kapag sumasadsad na pala ko sa kalungkutan eh si ellen lang ang solusyon. ayan, hapi na ulit ako. daig pa ang kumain ng tatlong gonuts donuts choco-filled donuts hehehe. uy, speaking of... di pala ko nakakain kanina. bought some yesterday when i went to the DIY hardware store in cubao. got me some light bulbs after manong the all-around electrician and repair guy nina ate mameng fixed the two defective sockets here. kaya oks na ulit. nagpalit-palit ako ng bumbilya at inayos ko na ang itsura. mom and pop passed by kasi kagabi to deliver an office desk and a side table drawer. alam mo naman haus namin sa marikina, repository ng old office furnitures, at lahat ng hindi gamitin doon na sa tingin nila ay puwede ko gamitin ay dinadala na nila rito. so ako naman, sige lang, accept lang ng accept. now i don't have to buy a computer table na. oks na ang set-up ko dito somehow. kinda like the old one actually.
nanood din pala ko ng tail ng isang CSI ep on cable after taking a bath. i also tried that movies dvd game ni drew, pang-party crowd nga siya. maganda siyang laruin ng concon hehe. speaking of, dumaan sina drew and rosa yesterday to pick up a couple of dvds they forgot to borrow the night before. i overcooked (portions, not the taste ha) some giniling and gulay dish thing kasi the other night, and tamang-tama nag-text sila na nagdo-dogsit pala sila sa haus ni maita nearby lang, so i asked them to come on over and eat dinner here. happy naman sila sa luto ko hehe. good to have catlovers as guests din pala, kasi aliw sila kay abi and vice versa. got tips from them too because abi's about to pop kitties na! ngyar! rosa wanted to have one pero ayaw ng nanay nya hehehe. oh, speaking of, that iranian lhasa dog thang nina mrs. tabanyong (?sp) na friend ni mommy e nanganak na pala yipeeeee so me have a doggie soon! yippie! i hope the kitties and the doggie would live harmoniously ever after... i'm excited! and just in time, too, when i am about to have more tambay time at home, yipeee! doggie!!!
quote of the night before: "that is one pregnant cat!"
it's been so long since i last had a pup. si drummer pa iyon. more than 4 years ago na yata iyon, a. now, it's an E na. kasi i name my dogs in alphabetical order mula kay archie na babae hehehe nung high school ako. and then there's books who lived for only 3 days with me kasi nag-xmas party sa bahay at pinakain ng mga hudas na pamangkin tots ng foodies at naimpatso at na-ded wah. cute pa naman yun. tapos the 2 dogs we got from cousin bebe yata, sina chaplin (after charlie) and kino (kino pravda, or film truth in russian, what we call as 'documentary'). obvious bang film student na ko nung dumating sila sa life ko? and then post college, there's drummer na kasama ko sa naranghita concon halfway house dati, hanggang sa mabait transfer. died of a virus caught in the streets of proj. 4. so now, it's an E. was thinking of ergo dati pa, pero echo sounds nice, too. greek mythology-ish rin. or maybe eros? hm, sino pa ba ang e sa myth? erin? brokovich? chaks. was thinking of emo but that's so american hahaha like yeah (insert arreneow accent here). ewok? in honor of star wars? hmmm... esep esep.
okay, after an hour of digby's donuts game play (yehei na-unlock ko sya! hackers of da world i lab yu!), maybe i'll get back to work. maybe. convince me. motivate me. inspire me. hm... what would inspire me...?
hmmm... does this remind you of something? *shuffle shuffle*
hmm, i dunno... can't get a clue...pace for the answer... *shuffle shuffle*
hehe. :P
esep esep.
at least yung isa kong balak e ginawa ko. pinanood ko yung isang ellen degeneres stand-up act. hahaha kakatawa ang lola. kapag sumasadsad na pala ko sa kalungkutan eh si ellen lang ang solusyon. ayan, hapi na ulit ako. daig pa ang kumain ng tatlong gonuts donuts choco-filled donuts hehehe. uy, speaking of... di pala ko nakakain kanina. bought some yesterday when i went to the DIY hardware store in cubao. got me some light bulbs after manong the all-around electrician and repair guy nina ate mameng fixed the two defective sockets here. kaya oks na ulit. nagpalit-palit ako ng bumbilya at inayos ko na ang itsura. mom and pop passed by kasi kagabi to deliver an office desk and a side table drawer. alam mo naman haus namin sa marikina, repository ng old office furnitures, at lahat ng hindi gamitin doon na sa tingin nila ay puwede ko gamitin ay dinadala na nila rito. so ako naman, sige lang, accept lang ng accept. now i don't have to buy a computer table na. oks na ang set-up ko dito somehow. kinda like the old one actually.
nanood din pala ko ng tail ng isang CSI ep on cable after taking a bath. i also tried that movies dvd game ni drew, pang-party crowd nga siya. maganda siyang laruin ng concon hehe. speaking of, dumaan sina drew and rosa yesterday to pick up a couple of dvds they forgot to borrow the night before. i overcooked (portions, not the taste ha) some giniling and gulay dish thing kasi the other night, and tamang-tama nag-text sila na nagdo-dogsit pala sila sa haus ni maita nearby lang, so i asked them to come on over and eat dinner here. happy naman sila sa luto ko hehe. good to have catlovers as guests din pala, kasi aliw sila kay abi and vice versa. got tips from them too because abi's about to pop kitties na! ngyar! rosa wanted to have one pero ayaw ng nanay nya hehehe. oh, speaking of, that iranian lhasa dog thang nina mrs. tabanyong (?sp) na friend ni mommy e nanganak na pala yipeeeee so me have a doggie soon! yippie! i hope the kitties and the doggie would live harmoniously ever after... i'm excited! and just in time, too, when i am about to have more tambay time at home, yipeee! doggie!!!
quote of the night before: "that is one pregnant cat!"it's been so long since i last had a pup. si drummer pa iyon. more than 4 years ago na yata iyon, a. now, it's an E na. kasi i name my dogs in alphabetical order mula kay archie na babae hehehe nung high school ako. and then there's books who lived for only 3 days with me kasi nag-xmas party sa bahay at pinakain ng mga hudas na pamangkin tots ng foodies at naimpatso at na-ded wah. cute pa naman yun. tapos the 2 dogs we got from cousin bebe yata, sina chaplin (after charlie) and kino (kino pravda, or film truth in russian, what we call as 'documentary'). obvious bang film student na ko nung dumating sila sa life ko? and then post college, there's drummer na kasama ko sa naranghita concon halfway house dati, hanggang sa mabait transfer. died of a virus caught in the streets of proj. 4. so now, it's an E. was thinking of ergo dati pa, pero echo sounds nice, too. greek mythology-ish rin. or maybe eros? hm, sino pa ba ang e sa myth? erin? brokovich? chaks. was thinking of emo but that's so american hahaha like yeah (insert arreneow accent here). ewok? in honor of star wars? hmmm... esep esep.
okay, after an hour of digby's donuts game play (yehei na-unlock ko sya! hackers of da world i lab yu!), maybe i'll get back to work. maybe. convince me. motivate me. inspire me. hm... what would inspire me...?
hmmm... does this remind you of something? *shuffle shuffle* hmm, i dunno... can't get a clue...pace for the answer... *shuffle shuffle*hehe. :P
esep esep.
17 February 2005
i see, wow! + fair + tlwseason2
just a few words before i go to sleep.
went to the UP fair this evening with lalaine and irene. they two wanted to eat at mommy thai's kitchen in peyups and go walking, but of course the walking part didn't materialize. i told them they can walk while i get henna tattoos inside the fair, but they ended up getting hennas as well. kaya hapi!
i got my usual design sa hands, the yoni plus the artist's palamuti improv. this one is better than the first. then i got my name in alibata alphabet in my upper arms. ayos! panalo! hm, will show this off tomorrow, makapag-sleeveless nga! hehe.
piktyuran ko na lang bukas then upload it here next time.
di ako nakapag-yearly ritual ng rifle pistol team shooting ko. sa friday na lang when we come back. nag-aaya ulit sila eh kaya babalik kami. maghihila pa ng ibang isis people after bellydancing class.
anyway, i just wanna share with you the feature that icwow did about me. they're information center womyn for womyn, a regional initiative by this korean girl in malaysia before and then they transferred here in manila, now run by manila friends. ayun. check out the feature about me. shyet narcissistic baga. wala lang hehe. it was a hoot answering the essay. had a fun time doing it hehe. intellectual foreplay baga. aba, kung may intellectual masturbation na nalalaman ang ibang pilopsoper, abah, ako ay intellectual foreplay naman hahaha. ayus! medyo mas in-depth na mas fun version siya ng ginawang interview sa akin ng fridae.com dati. yun naman, lgbt zine based in singapore. ewan ko nga ba paano ako nakontak dun, basta one day they just contacted me and made a feature about me. check it out here. di pa uso sa akin ang scanning pictures for uploading kaya wa photo dun.
invite ko rin kayo to subscribe to the e-bulletin please please please! it's a once a month free email newsletter about news concerning women loving women of all forms and permutations here in asia. regional nga kasi.
na-feature na rin nga pala dito yung isa kong essay before about discovering your identity ek and coming to terms with my sexuality chu. sa publikasyon nilang ito:
ayan. isang essay. read the book. download the pdf file here. basahin niyo na rin yung ibang entries from other asian countries. si ging ng leap may essay din diyan.
ayun...
and the final is.. nakita nyo na ba itoh????
sheeet panalo mga gelay! check out shane! hot!!! ahem, sino yang latina-looking gel sa kanan, ha? kanino kayang hada yan sa ating mga bida??? mabuti naman at may lesbian of color na dito, hindi lang biracial tulad ni jennifer beals. sana next time may pinay na rin, sa dami ba naman ng fil-am lesbians sa LA ano.
sha tulog na me. hwehwehwe.
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