Homeowner, and a tale of lived beings

Hello. Are you still there? I'm coming back to say -- I still am.

Life has always gotten in the way of many things, we like to say, as humans. But then, I realized that, to be human, a living one, one needs to live a life. For us writers, we need to live life to write about life. And we need to have a life, in order to be able to write.

Confused? Don't be. Sometimes the most convoluted thoughts contain the simplest of truths. You just have to be more aware to figure it out. 

That's how life is, I suppose. A string of truths, hiding in plain sight, but we tend to overlook them, since there are so many distractions, preoccupations, and other things necessary or otherwise.

As a writer, one is also preoccupied with uncovering such truths, or creating to contribute to certain ones out there. But that kind of pursuit is sometimes halted by other things that need more attention at the moment, foremost of which is, as always, making money.

I've made a good deal of my own lately, actually, to the point that I was able to pay off my condo home loan ahead of time. Yes, that also happened: adulting, to the max. In fact, my 15 years-to-pay deal ended this week, after a whopping 10 years. Pucha, biro mo mehn, titulado na ko! I now have property to my name. When I used to teach in UP, I always got a bit sad come SALN-filling time, because I don't really have any assets to declare in that column, but in the liabilities column, there it always was: home loan condo. Well, no more na this year! Thanks to my parents who also had a hand in funding some of the amount that we always had recalculated whenever they had some windfall amount at hand, and also to my own windfall of rakets here and there, we were able to close the loan and the bank handed me my land title this week. 

So yeah, this week, let me add one more title to my list: homeowner. 

Titulado na lola mo, something better than a PhD methinks.

Nakakaloka. After ten years, kaya pala. To think that I "wasted" all those years in Quezon City, renting apartment after apartment, ranging from 8-10k a month, siguro dalawa na ang condo ko ngayon. Pero hindi ko rin naman magagawa ito noon, of course. I started living on my own independently, and like all early independents do, hikahos lang ang simula. I even had roommates in one house, so that we can all share the rent, bilang mga newbie independents kami. 

January 2008, ilang buwan pa lang mula nung turnover.
May sakit ako nito, pero nakakaginhawa sa
utak at kaluluwa na may tanawin akong ganito,
habang nagpapagaling. 

Pero hindi ko rin siguro ipagpapalit ang mga experiences ko na yun sa pagre-rent sa iba't ibang apartment, kasi they also had a hand in forming my character, and sharpening my being. Hindi rin naman kasi traumatic ang ibang moves na iyon, at ang iba pa nga ay looking forward pa ako sa move. Let me tell you some of them in a handful of nutshells:

Move 1: House to jowa's place

I was already working in a film production company in Ortigas when I wanted to move out of our Marikina house already. My father and I didn't get along so well sometimes, and also I felt that it's really time I had a "room of my own." We were in a 2-bedroom bungalow, the best my parents can afford as working middle class professionals back in the '80s, and they're still there now. I made working in Ortigas as a viable excuse for me to move out, but finding a girlfriend who was living in a 3-bedroom house made the move easier. Her mom's relatives owned the house, and she was looking after it, with the 2 other bedrooms leased out to 2 other women as tenants. I went to live with her in the 3rd bedroom, and it lasted for less than a year before we broke up. But after we broke up, the two tenants also ended their lease, and she had to move to Baguio to finish her law degree there. I took over her room as a tenant, and asked two of my close college barkada to rent the other rooms. And that was where our ConCon barkada was born -- in that halfway house in Naranghita.

The late '90s was a hoot. Our film barkada was still intact then.

Some of the housemates I had, and our frequent visitors.
All UP film college barkada, circa 1998.

Instaparty kapag may balikbayan sa amin. 

Instawild din kapag nag-inuman na. This was how Gen-X partied back then. 

But this was not the first time we had a halfway house of sorts, me and my college film berks. We actually had two, which I think prepared my parents for my eventual moving out for good. I think I have to include it here in my listing.

Move 0.1: Temporary (UP) Bliss

It was the sembreak of my last year of film school when my friends and I decided to share the rent in a unit inside the UP Bliss housing. Our film teacher sponsored a film to be done that time, script by my BFF and me directing, shooting in 16mm film ha. That would have been my first, prior to my 16mm film thesis sana, but the project fizzled out for reasons I can't remember anymore. But that several weeks in that UP Bliss gave us a taste of living independently, with roommates, paying bills like an adult, and I suppose it whet all our appetites.

Move 0.2: Mahiyain mode

Right after graduation, a handful of friends wanted to create a raket film production group, which was very rare pa back then (this is mid-'90s folks), and we decided to rent an apartment in Mahiyain street to have a headquarters. Well, we had a glorious first client which helped us pay the bills and rent, but everyone also had more glorious egos that clashed during work. So in short, that fizzled out faster than when it started.

Move 0.3: Maginhawa nga ba?

Another college friend of ours turned out to have his own fizzled film prod raket grouping, so he decided to tap me and my BFF to be new partners. We also tapped another film barkada, and this one was sturdier a samahan because our recruiter friend had a formidable work linkage in the form of this Fil-Canadian lady with a desktop publishing biz. She wanted to form a video production biz din, and she had the equipment, so we were the workers. Her huge home in Maginhawa had a small American-style garage at the back which actually could be converted into a 2-storey living quarters, so we lived there for a few months, too, as we made several rakets for her. But again, personalities crashed, as well as other things I can't recall anymore, and we ended up splitting from that setup, too, me and my BFF. So I went back to my parents' house for a while, until I made that pivotal Move 1. 

Kumu-conceptual photography with a tripod and SLR camera,
with legitimate celluloid film to boot.
Slight naubos pera ko sa kakapa-debelop ng rolyo noon,
but the memories are worth every analog print of it.

Historical preparations, ain't it? 

Move 2: Ex-jowa's house to new ex-jowa's house.

I think it has already been 2 years in that first house in Naranghita when I met a lawyer who became my jowa of 5 years. She was living in a compound owned by her ex's family, and in one of those doors, that ex of hers was also living there. And in another door, another lesbian lawyer was living there, too, who was the jowa of my jowa's ex. Magulo ba? Masusundan mo 'yan kung matalino ka, pramis hahaha! But things went bad with that ex of hers and that ex's jowa, who were living just next door to each other, literally. The jowa cheated, so my ex's ex wanted to move out of there. Meantime, we also wanted to move out already, so we three lesbians of Mabait street went and rented a new place in Mapagkumbaba street, up and down, one bedroom my ex's ex, and one ours. But that ex of hers found a new jowa and eventually moved out of our apartment. As for me, after 5 years, I also found a new me -- one that didn't want to be with her anymore. We were supposed to move into a new space actually, but that moved became a split into two different directions, not one, since I decided to split up with her, for good. 

I transitioned to many jobs during my stay with that 5-year jowa.
The last being this, as a n NGO worker in a feminist media int'l org.
Pivotal, those days. Which also meant I had to pause my MA studies,
since I had to juggle a home life with a really
high maintenance jowa back then.
Yeah, you get one of those from time to time.

As one of her last ditch efforts to keep us intact,
she allowed me to have a ConCon gathering with my
old film buddies again during our last years, since that was
my one reklamo during this relationship: na natanggal ako sa
sirkulo ng friends and arts ko when I was with her.
But even so, it wasn't really enough to make me stay.

My last months in that house, and that relationship.
'Twas when I realized I should love myself more. 

Move 3: Kamuning

My cousin-in-law's parents were renting out a duplex apartment somewhere in K-3rd street, and my cousin was living there with her young family of three in the smaller area. So I ended up renting the bigger area, all by my lonesome. That move was pivotal, since I was starting many lives back then: as a newly "singled" lesbian, a post-showbiz/media worker, post-NGO worker, and now a college professor, and also a new TV director. Which meant that the titser suweldo is not that ideal to keep an 8k a month rent, so I had to augment my income then. That Kamuning time was indeed such a busy time, so busy that my health suffered, so I ended up turning semi-vegetarian to have my lab results even out again. But then, cousin-in-law's parents decided to sell the house, and I had to vacate asap. Salamat ha. Thankfully, I found a new place in an old neigborhood.

The perks of renting a house all by your lonesome is you get to
decorate it however you want. So naturally, my artistic inclinations
arose that time, and I had a better canvas to explore.
Yes, those are windows. It's acrylic, so it washes off easily.

One of my prized possessions back then: a theatrical poster of Tomb Raider,
from my newspaper entertainment editor days. Sayang nasira.

Wherever I lived, even if it was temporary, I made sure it was homey. 

I also had preference for high ceilings.
Not a claustrophobic, but I dunno, I just felt like it.

Move 4: Naranghita part deux

A good deal of my teaching life was spent living in another part of Naranghita street, where the rent is basically the same as before. It's interesting to be back in the Anonas area at that time, a little bit older and wiser, but maybe still a bit stupid in the love department. See, when I was about to do Move 3, I met someone else right after I split with my ex of 5 years. She thought I two-timed her (at iyon ang pinagkalat niya sa mga tao), but that's not really the case (and I don't actually care kung ano ang pinagkalat niya sa akin, kasi I know the real score). This girl I met wasn't really such a good one for me, that's why the relationship never really became solid to begin with; it only served as a catalyst for me to jumpstart many things left dormant by the 5 year relationship. But she wasn't the sole catalyst, of course. Going back to the media grind also helped, thanks to my college barkada-slash-former housemates. But this girl just kept being present in my life, even after making Move 3. And she even came to me during Move 4, but only her things moved with me, because she stupidly moved out of her and her brother's own rented apartment back then, her without a plan, her brother moving into his own small apartment, so she ended up hauling her things in my place. "Pakilagay" lang daw, pero tuwing lilipat ako, nakikilipat din siya. The nerve, di ba. Even if I was already dating another person during this time, in this space, andiyan pa rin itong isa, nakikigulo. Hay naku, how did I even enter such predicaments back then is beyond me. All I know is that I'm glad they all ended.

Kahit katiting lang, dapat ang tirahan ko ay may bintana,
kung saan maaari kong matanaw ang langit at
ilang bahagi ng lupang may luntiang nagkalat.
Sa masikip na espasyong ito, puwede na
rin ito noon, pansamantala.

Ang chaka lang ng view, pero at least meron.

Dito ko muling naharap ang MA studies ko,
kaya naging espasyo ng pag-aaral ang bahay na ito.

Hindi ko alam kung premonition ito na hindi ako magtatagal sa espasyong ito,
pero hindi na ako masyadong ginanahan sa pagde-decor nito,
di tulad dun sa Kamuning dati. Kaya ganito lang
kasimple ang nilagay ko doon, para lang may bahid ng ako ang espasyo.

Ang lagi kong kasama sa mga paglilipat: ang pusa ko, at ang kurant ko.
Pareho nang wala sa buhay ko ngayon, kasi bawal na.

Move 5: Condo living

So finally, this is it, pansit! No more lingering ex-jowas to make sabit in this move, because this one is a purchase already. No more renting. No more sabits. The girl I was dating prior to this move, she also graced this space from time to time, but she had her own space with her son somewhere else. That immediately fizzled anyway, and then another person came into my life then. That one lived here for a good two years, before getting herself knocked up by a man. Galing, di ba? For a while I felt trapped here, since before, if an old relationship finished, I can also move out of the apartment and rent a new one. Not here. So what I did was, when I finally had enough cash, I disposed of all, I mean ALL, of my previous home furnishings, and replaced them with new ones: couch, TV display, TV, corner shelves, dining table, name it! Living room and dining room showcase ang change pare, even bedroom showcase. Mahihiya ang The Price is Right sa pinamigay ko nun. Pero na-cleanse na naman ang espasyo, at napalitan na ng ibang energies, kaya eto na siya, okay na.

At ngayon, akin na. Akin na talaga.

The moment I saw these kinda picture windows,
I was hooked. I knew I was home.

Ready for Occupy Marikina project again,
after 10 years of being in QC.
I mean, look at those windows, and the view!

Sa tuwing mag-eempake ako noon, feeling ko
sasadsad ako sa depression sa kung anumang kadahilanan.
Ewan ko ba kung bakit. Signos ng pagtatapos
siguro ng isang chapter, malamang. Pero itong hakot na ito,
wala, walang ganun. Kaya alam kong tama siya.

Mas marami nang puwedeng galawan, kahit papaano.
Level up na ang buhay, salamat sa kalawakan.

I always called this space my sanctuary, because it was. When the world is feeling mighty mighty low, at least I have a space I can retreat to, hibernate if you will, so I can recharge whatever needs recharging in my soul. For a time there, I also thought of this space as my Fortress of Solitude, because I lived here with no one and nothing but my thoughts, and Jor-el would be proud. Ninja training fortified. Before, I used to treat my temporary shelters as a respite, a stopover to wherever life will take me next, whatever I'm doing in life at that particular moment. But this time, no more of that. Having some kind of permanence also gave my being some peace of mind as I struggled to live here. 'Twas a struggle sometimes, indeed, especially financially, but I'm glad it turned out fine. Really fine.

And now, it's legally mine. 

No matter what the mood, the space is a safe one for me.
(Salamat din sa Rosco lighting gels swatch
na nakuha ko sa US sa eksperimentong ito).

I turned 45 this year. Sometimes I feel it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes all of these memories are crystal clear, sometimes they're just a blur. But when I recall the spaces I've lived in, it somewhat makes recollections easier, since there are automatic groupings, new chapter headings if you will, of this narrative I call my life. I guess now, now that this space is all mine, it's when Book Two starts naman. No more chapters. No more snippets. Sarado na ang unang libro, at panibagong simula na naman ang bubuksan nito sa buhay ko.

Sige lang. Andito lang ako, humihinga. Tignan natin kung ano ang maiuuwi ko naman ngayon, sa puntong ito ng buhay ko.

Siya nawa.

Kampai! At ibalik ang ibang kinaligtaan sa buhay.

And yes, thank you, you, for still reading this space. More to come. Pramis!

entr'acte

It took me 8 years, 1 death, and hundreds of waking moments of wondering to finally synthesize one feeling to one conclusion: 

It was nothing but pure selfishness, and friendship was never part of that process.

I'm currently working on a project in a public coworking space right now, when I finally found that rationalization above about a certain thing in my life, one that has pierced my being from time to time, but one that never kept me down to begin with -- just momentary blindsided. Sort of.

And a thought also popped into my mind just a few moments ago, in connection with a stage play I was trying to write about that realization above -- a play that I penned some 10 years ago or so. This could be a beginning, a teaser, or something else entirely. Maybe something in between, too. Entr'acte. I'm not sure yet. Will decide later.

But this is how it goes:

“It took his death to finally untangle us from one another. Poignant enough, for it took his arrival to bind us together in the first place. And that is where our story began…where it also ended. Onscreen, and off.”

Yes, heartache prompts me to write. That was a huge one, but from a longtime friend, a friend of long ago. Heartaches caused by friends are sometimes more painful for me to feel. Maybe it's because I invested a different kind of value in there, as opposed to the value you invest in a job, your relationship with work, or even a lover or a partner. They have nuances, for me. 

But as I grew older, and more wiser, I realized that those values shift from time to time. And I think that one just shifted, magnanimously, as I sat here, working, thinking of other things, but those things suddenly caught my attention, and let me divert a bit.

So here we are.

I guess that's one less demon who stood up from the couch.

Good riddance, then. Good for me.

Swiped from Stuff No One Told Me.

Back to work, then.

misteryo ng mantsa

Kaninang naghuhugas ako ng pinggan at iba pang gamit pang-kusinang nasa lababo, nahirapan akong alisin ang mantsa sa metal tray ng oven toaster dahil sa nanikit na ito, 'yung sunog na parte ng karneng pinainit ko na dumikit at naiwan doon. Kaya kahit ilang pahid na ng "makabagong" dishwashing liquid ay hindi agad ito naaalis. Nakaka-ilang pasada na rin ako, sabay pasada sa iba pang kailangang hugasan, pero unti-unti lang natatanggal ang nanikit na mantsa. 

Dahil sa ang lalagyan ko ng sponge ay may natirang nanikit na sabong bareta sa gilid niya, naisip kong kayurin ang natitirang "makalumang" panghugas na ito ng pinggan, baka sakaling bumigay ang mantsa. At oo nga, sa mas kaunting pasada, naalis na sa wakas ang ilang beses ko nang pinasadahang mantsa ng tray. Malinis na itong muli.

Sa paghuhugas kanina, hindi ako ako kung wala akong maikokonektang muni-muni sa mga maliliit na bagay na ito, mga bagay na hindi naman talaga maliit kung tutuusin mo. Pero saka na iyon.

Nabuksan kasi kahapon ang isang lumang mantsa na ang akala ko'y natanggal na ng anumang ginamit kong pampasada dito. Naisip ko lang: kung ang mga pinggan ay may dishwashing liquid na puwedeng magtanggal ng mansta nito, ano kaya ang dishwashing liquid ng buhay na puwedeng magtanggal ng mantsa sa iyong pagkatao?

Tao ka pa ba kapag wala ka nang mantsa? Marahil, oo. Pero mas tao ka kung may mga mantsa ka.

Sa isang usapan ng pagkikita ng mga dating kaibigan bukas, nabanggit ng isa sa kanila ang isang mantsa kong akala ko'y matagal ko nang naalis: ang sakit ng betrayal ng isang natatanging kaibigan noong kolehiyo. Kinukumusta daw kasi ako ng kaibigang ito, at nagmungkahi ang kausap ko na isama ito sa kitakits bukas. Na siyempre ay tahasang tinutulan ko. Tinanong ako kung "ready na ba ako" na makita ang ex-friend na ito dati. Sa isang sadyang pagkikita, hindi ito usapin kung ready ako o hindi. Ang dapat na tanong dito ay: gugustuhin ko bang makitang muli ang isang kaibigang tinuring kong kapamilya ko, chosen family 'ika nga namin sa LGBTQ community, na betrayal naman ang sinukli sa akin sa ilang taong pagsasalba ko sa kanya, pagpoprotekta, pagtatanggol kahit siya ang nasa mali, dahil lang sa kapamilya ko siyang tinuring?

Matagal ko nang kinalimutan ito. Sumaya na in leaps ang bounds ang buhay ko matapos ang episode naming iyon. Nagkaroon na ako ng iba pang miyembro sa chosen family ko ngayon. Sa isang dekada halos na di pagkikita at walang komunikasyon, alam kong alam niyang malaki ang mantsang naidulot niya sa buhay ko noon. Na kahit ilang beses kong hugasan, nariyan at nariyan pa rin siya, nagmarka. Kaya over the years, natuto na lang akong isuot ang buhay na may mantsang kaakibat. Ganyan naman talaga kasi ang buhay. Kung giyera ito, battle scars ang tawag diyan. Diyosa lang ang taong walang battle scars sa buhay at mantsa sa pagkatao. Diyosa lang.

Pero dahil hindi tayo diyosa, nakakapag-move on naman tayo. Kahit nakalimutan mo na ang mga kaganapan noon, kahit ibinaon mo na ang sakit na naidulot sa iyo ng negatibong pangyayaring iyon, kahit na pinatawad at pinilit mo nang intindihin kung bakit nila nagawa ang nagawa nila sa iyo, sa paglaon ay may panaka-nakang alaalang sisipa sa iyo para awtomatikong itaas ang pader ng buhay mo para makaiwas sa baka-dumating na muling-delubyo. You learn from things, you carry the lessons, and you don't forget the consequences.  Yes, sometimes past hurts come back like they just happened yesterday. I feel this way whenever I get hurt by someone I truly cared for in my life. Especially people I deemed as my chosen family. 

Kaya no matter how I want to be zen about this and all that jazz, there really are some things that you can't easily meditate out of your system, in a snap. It has been nearly a decade, yes, and it has dissipated. But see, there's still a stain. Stain. Ang pangit pakinggan sa Inggles. "Blemishes" ang definition niya, parang tinaghiyawat ka lang at may naiwang scar na ikinapangit mo. Or maybe ikinaganda kung mahilig ka sa skin decorations and you treat flaws as design. Funny naman ang definition ng "mantsa" sa Tagalog wikipedia: 

"Ang mantsa ay mga duming-dungis sa anumang bagay tulad ng mga damit at tela, na karaniwang mahirap alisin kahit labhan, hugasan o punasan man."

Mas poetic in Filipino, no? Duming-dungis. 

Ang duming-dungis ko ay hindi na madumi, at hindi na rin madungis. Pero may bahid lang na naiwan, katiting. Tanggap ko nang kahit ikula ko pa ito, wala na itong pag-asa. 

Minsan, sa naging trato din sa akin ng tao, mahirap ding maghanap ng pag-asa, lalo na ng pag-asang itatrato ka nila nang mas mainam sa susunod. Matapos kang mantsahan, matapos nilang palipasin ang panahon, hindi ko na inaasahang kikilos sila para magkula. Sadyang ganyan lang talaga yata ang buhay. Sabi nga ng tatay at nanay ko noong iniyakan ko sila sa mga kaganapang ito nang mamantsahan ako noon, "Humanap ka na lang ng ibang kaibigan, anak."

At iyon nga ang nangyari. Hindi ko sinadyang humanap, pero ang kalawakan ang nagbibigay sa akin ng daan para mahanap ko ang mga nilalang na hindi basta-basta magbibigay sa iyo ng mantsa. And yes, to the universe, I am eternally grateful for that faith-in-friendship reboot. 

As for having faith that old friends will resurface and dust off what needs to be dusted off, I'll have none of that. In this life, I've learned that some people in your past would be better off to remain in the past. It's not about having second chances also. Because once you're scarred, then you're scarred. Would you let another scar happen? I guess it's also pretty simple: If I can choose my chosen family, then I can un-choose them, too. Because all this time, the one that I should have chosen -- and should always choose -- is me. 

I choose to live a life free from people who drag me down. 

I choose to live a life free from other people's baggage weighing down on me.

I choose to live a life full of people who also chose me.

I choose to live a life full of people who try to understand my shortcomings and celebrate my strengths.

That's how I choose.

I'm a Taurean so I have this tendency to wallow in things a little bit longer than some. I'd like to believe that I've wallowed enough on this past hurt for years and I'm only emerging from shaking it off my system. Yes, not totally, for there will always be that scar, that stain, 'yung mantsa sa pagkatao, pero hindi naman na ako dapat magpaapekto dito, as much as I can. Pero nakakagulat lang sa akin na parang apektado pa rin ako nang bumulalas ito kahapon. Marahil nga, dahil sa malalim ang pinag-uugatan nito, may mga natitira-tira pang talahib na kailangang tabasin. Lalo na't dahil nga sa pinili ko ang mga taong ito na miyembro ng pamilya kong tinuring.

Well, I'd also like to believe that I'm choosing better, that I've chosen better na, eventually. 

Naalala ko tuloy 'yung opening monologue ni Ewan McGregor sa Trainspotting:

No, I didn't choose heroin naman, mga teh. I chose to be the heroine of my life. O di ba. How about that? #sinopawitty

But I guess, in a way, I did choose a drug, things I got addicted to, in a manner of speaking, which eventually got a hold of me but in some circumstances, I was able to wiggle out my way. 

We all have varying addictions: I chose blind friendships in my twenties. I chose unsupportive relationships in my thirties. But during the late thirties and now I'm in my forties, I'm choosing self-improvement. Always. Some philosopher once said that religion is the opium of the masses. My new addiction is being zen about life. Same same?

*

I know there's also another thing I have to shake off in this new "Life Rewrites at 40: Zen and the Art of Self-Improvement and Self-Maintenance" edition: my tendency to be impatient with lower life forms, or people who have lower tolerance for diversity. I have to learn more how to retreat early when I see it's a losing battle. I should brush up on my Sun Tzu mode, because The Art of War is so much alive in this digital age we call the global village. Dahil gustuhin ko man o hindi, may peste pa ring mga kapitbahay.

And overcoming little hurts from little people whom I chose to be part of my chosen family. Yes, these two I could meditate out of my system. Just give me time. And no, this will not linger on like the lengthy example above. Because this time, there's no stain. I know this for a fact. Because I've finally found the dishwashing liquid of my life.

Meron naman pala. Andiyan siya sa tabi-tabi, katabi ko sa gabi.

Because when the universe conspires, 

the path clears up to your true destination. 

Never lose sight of your genuine way. 

(April 2015 Bencab Museum, Baguio City)

The profoundest of things you find in the most banal of chores. Story of my life. Mindfulness galore. 

And now, I have to choose work.

Later, universe. And thanks.

the thank you list

In less than ten hours, I'll be passing another earthly milestone in this universe: turning 42. While I'm still freshly near the bigger milestone that is 40, I thought I'd make a quick list of things that I am grateful for, so far, in this surprisingly fantastic life I'm having.

1. Thank goddess I'm still alive.

I've had friends, colleagues, acquaintances and relatives who passed away too soon, in this lifetime. A younger cousin, a UP Baguio writer's workshop co-fellow, and lately a professor colleague who encouraged me not to leave teaching, to name a few. Why one's life journey ends while others continue remains a mystery that doesn't require us to solve. It's just like that, and so be it. 

That's why I'm thanking the universe that I remain alive up to this point. Because there was a time when I wish I weren't. I even wrote a short story about it. Hell, that short story even won me my first Palanca, you know. But those thoughts, thankfully, remain in my literature, and not in my real life. Because there's so much to live for, apparently, and so much to experience, accomplish, and feel. And I'm glad I still have the chance to do all those, now.

What an "interesting" way of reminding you about life 

than writing about death, particularly those 

lost in tragedy. Gives you another way of looking 

at life, loss, and the world between it. 

[November 2014 Yolanda book launch in Ortigas]

2. Thank you courage and kickass-ery.

I don't know where I get it, but I thank the universe that I have some form of courage to do the things I did in my life, to stay in situations when I should have left, and to leave even when others said stay. It takes guts to pick up and leave, and it takes guts to stay put as well. 

Also, there are some instances when you needed more than courage -- you needed to be kickass. So I also thank the universe for developing some kickass-ery in me, this creature who started out as an introvert in her early life. Who would have thought, pare? 'Yan ang lagi kong naiisip kapag napapaisip ako sa mga sinuong kong kung anu-ano sa buhay na ito. Glad I came out of them alive, in one piece, and sane. Not to mention fabulous, but I'm already bragging na. So stop.

Yumu-UN lola mo. Yun na! 

Courage also meant weaving in and out 

of different work industries and sectors in this lifetime,

and enjoying every bit of experience along the way.

[November 2014 At the 

UN Convention Center in Bangkok, Thailand]

3. Thank you, open-mindedness.

What I learned in the last two decades of my life is that no matter how solid you think your beliefs, principles and foundations are, there is always room to wiggle in some stuff that could enhance those beliefs, principles and foundations. And there will always be room to deconstruct some of those pillars without destroying the whole system structure. The key here is having an open mind. And boy, was my mind open or what! From job decisions to personal paradigm shifts, I don't think I could have accumulated the snippets of lessons I have if my mind were not that open to begin with. I'm glad it was. Still is! 

Open-mindedness certainly helped me answer 

the questions in last year's guesting sa show ni Kuya Boy. 

[June 2014 at ABS-CBN studios]

4. Thank you family, relatives and silent supporters

I'm also thankful that my nuclear family is still around and very supportive of all the efforts I've been doing in my life. I am extra lucky that there is no issue about being queer in my nuclear family. My mom, pop and sis get it. Some relatives get it, too. And for those relatives who don't, I'm still thankful that they're there by blood relations only, so don't force me to have friendly relations with you as well, especially if you talk about me behind my back.

And those I don't know but who cheer me on and who are supportive of the things I do, read the art I create, or are genuinely happy for me when they practice being quiet spectators of my life, thanks din sa inyo. 

Isaw date with my mum. Yum! 

[2014 somewhere in Marikina]

5. Thank you friendsheeps of all sorts

What I've learned in this life is that you can't really have a steady stream of friends that will stick with you through thick and thin. That's because they also have their own issues and struggles to mind, so sometimes they have no time, energy or effort left to mind yours. Early in this life, I've had this steady stream but once opportunities came their way, they were too eager to abandon solid trust for anything that they glorified more. Money? Fame? Power? Credentials? I don't know. I guess I invested in the wrong people early in my life, treated some friends as my chosen family, only to be hurt by them, one by one, bit by bit. 

But I think they all serve a purpose, these friends, ex-friends, soon to be friends. People appear in your life when you need to learn a lesson, need your hand to be held, need your head to be challenged, need your soul to be stabled. And if they have done their role, then exit frame na sila. Ganyan lang naman talaga yata ang mga tao sa buhay mo, may panahong kailangan na silang mag-curtain call. And for those who have been sticking for far longer than you thought they originally would, be thankful na lang na they're still there.

So thanks, you guys. Big hug from moi.

Sapphic silverbelles in the Summer capital. 

[April 2015 Baguio City]

6. Thank you, brain.

Sometimes we take it for grated that we have a fully functioning brain that was able to withstand challenges in the academic and emotional fields. Even psychological or mental. Lalo na doon siguro. Kaya buti na lang at biniyayaan ako ng ganitong uri ng utak, na kayang magproseso, tumanggap, mag-isip, mag-muni-muni, at lumikha.    

Art meets advocacy in this anthology of LGBT writings. 

Buy the book! [August 2014 UP CWS]

7. Thank you, pag-ibig.

I guess it was a lucky call to not give up on love once more at the time I did. Or maybe it's called taking another chance. Like I've said in this space, I have no problem naman with being single. But it was really nice that I was able to gamble one last time with this thing called love, to see where a new journey could lead me, hand in hand with someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated in this lifetime.

At para sa mga inibig kong di pumatok, salamat na rin dahil walang katapusang materyal ang binibigay niyo sa aking inspirasyon para lumikha. Hihihi. Char! 

Matamis. Minsan strawberry. Minsan love life.  

Madalas ako at siya. Yihiiii!

[April 2015 Baguio city market]

8. To the girl who gets it

Thank you for being The Girl Without An Agenda to being The Girl Who Gets It. Andiyan ka lang pala sa tabi-tabi ng Marikina din. Bakit ngayon ka lang dumating sa buhay ko, sabi nga ng kanta. Siyempre charot yan, kasi if you arrived during the time the universe introduced us for the first time, hindi pa hinog ang bungang matamis nating tinatamasa ngayon. Salamat sa unang halik. Unli kiss ang kapalit niyan.

Nakakatawa pero nung isang araw ko pa iniisip 'yung dati kong listahan ng kung ano ba dapat ang minimum requirements ko sa isang partner. Sa listahang ito, may tumataginting namang pumasa dati, pero nawasak din paglaon ang samahang iyon. Ang pinagkaiba siguro ng checklist na iyon noon sa ngayon ay: wala nang masyadong compromise 'yung mga answers ko ngayon. Kumbaga, mas matured na siya, mas learned, mas wise. And most of all, mas peaceful siguro. 

To check those requirements sa isang partner:
-- dapat malambing sya.
-- dapat hindi siya praning
-- dapat out siya
-- dapat koboy siya
-- dapat hindi siya classist matapobre freak kundi patient and tolerant of differences
-- dapat into the arts siya, o naiintindihan niya ang importance ng arts
-- dapat sensitive siya sa needs mo
-- dapat honest siya sa feelings niya sa yo
-- dapat matino at masarap kausap
-- dapat tanggap niya kung ano ka
-- dapat she is a woman of her word. at walang third party. kahit ex-turned-friend pa man niya yun.
-- dapat hindi siya sinungaling
-- at dapat, gagawa siya ng effort para magwork ang relationship niyo.

Ikaw lahat iyan. This time, I have a feeling na mas malaki-laki at mas profitable ang ROI ko sa investment na ito, this time around. Dahil ikaw ikaw. Kaya salamat sa pagiging ikaw. Hashtag three hearts.

My statement shirts never lie. Ever. 

[2014 somewhere in SM City North EDSA]

9. Salamat, Pilipinas.

Ilang beses na kitang inisip iwanan, sa totoo lang. Pero may certain seduction kang kumakapit sa akin. Ilang bansa na rin ang napuntahan ko, at lagi kitang kinukumpara sa kanila, for better or for worse. Pero ngayon ko lang napagtanto na masaya din naman palang nanatili ako rito. Ito 'yung bahagi ng pinasasalamatan kong courage to stay sa itaas. Kasi kahit anong nangyayari sa iyo dati at ngayon, nandito pa rin ako. At salamat na rin naman, kahit minsan ay hindi masaya dito. Ewan ko ba, pero may hindi ako maipaliwanag na bond sa iyo, pero I'm also thankful that that bond exists. Saka ko na lang ide-decipher kung ano iyon. Probably isaw at crispy pata ang main ingredients nun. And beaches. But I speculate.

Yes, it's the pata. Sankapa! 

[2014 at Livestock QC]

10. Salamat, nega.

Sabi nga ng tattoo ni Angelina Jolie, what nourishes me destroys me. Buti na lang at hindi ako ganun. Well, except siguro kung nasosobrahan ako ng pagkain ng crispy pata. Sabi rin naman ng kanta ni Regine Velasquez, you make me stronger by breaking my heart. Doon relate ako. Kasi sa dami ng hurdles na kailangang talunin sa buhay, buti na lang at long-legged ang lola mo kaya kinakaya naman. 

There's always a way of learning from bad things. In fact, it's best to learn from the bad than the good, because you get creative in thinking about strategies and ways of scrutinizing and avoiding the bad. So okay na rin at may quota ng nega na dumating sa buhay na ito. Kasi kung walang nega, hindi mo rin maa-appreciate ang positive. Kaya good vibes just the same. Saka natututo ka rin to manage the nega. Negatrons transform! na lang ang peg -- transform to be a better fighter. 

Suwerte-suwerte lang kapag nakakasapul. 

O kaya may skill na kaakibat. 

Huwag kalimutan ang bow and arrow na lang. 

[2014 at Gandiva Cafe Ortigas]

*

There are more things to be thankful for, at mauubos ang blog na ito kung ililista nating lahat. But for the magic 42, this will do. 

For now.

See you on the other side. 

 Ang life parang photography. Shoot lang ng shoot. 

Develop from the negatives. Take nothing but great memories. 

Etch those images in your mind. 

[May 1999 somewhere in Dumaguete]

to be that kind of a woman

Happy International Women's Day today, Manila time. 

Coming from a night of hanging out with different kinds of women friends, it got me thinking earlier about the kind of women we have become, in comparison to the kind of girls we were before.

I have a high school friend who works as a nurse in one of those desert countries. Turns out we also have one more friend from high school who has the same job in the same country. We all met up for dinner, talks and laughs. Some smokes, too, yes, but only confined at the far end of the table where some of their kids were safe from second hand smoke. A couple of us had a few bottles, but not enough to give one a buzz. Save for me, everyone had a family. Some husbands were in tow, and one was left at home. One of us, the latecomer to the get-together, started lamenting about how she's the only "work slave" among us flexi time workers, she who has to keep a rigid work schedule atop of juggling her home life with her one and only child since they have no yaya or househelp anymore and the hubby works in night shift. Then somebody started talking about the healthy appetite of her kid, and then the mothers among them started comparing Cherifer stories of not giving/giving vitamins to their kids and the kid started gaining/losing their appetite, I cannot recall the combo. 

And then the fathers exchanged stories of how to address their juniors with the question of why "it" stands up every morning, and how the mothers among them can't directly accept the fact that their little boys are beginning to become little men. But we also have one mother there, but unmarried. She brought along her daughter, a college freshman, and we started teasing her about "When your mom was your age...nakuuu!" And the laughs never end for our group. All this happened in between the youngest tyke, my  mini-bff, tugging me along the restaurant's koi pond to check out the fish. And to educationally play with the tyke -- as I do with other kids -- I engage her in identifying the colors of the fishies and to count how many fishies are there. For a non-schooled tyke, her counting is awesome yet for the life of her mum, they couldn't comprehend why her color identification skills is only limited to the colors of her mum's bras, and identifying colors of other objects is always a failure. A child psychologist somewhere out there might have the answer, but we're not interested in that right now, at this phase. We just laugh at her cuteness.

That was my night. How was yours?

Waking up today, I thought of that: what became of us girls, giggly naughty ones in high school, who have now become full-fledged women, with careers and jobs and families and homes and cars and educational plans and children and aging parents or parents who left us already. Well, not really applicable to all. The single mom with the happy college freshie daughter has a boyfriend, and this lesbian is a happy single-and-mingle woman. Another member of the gang is, in fact, already in Australia, petitioned by her girlfriend there, because that's how awesome countries recognize our kind of relationship. No judgment in our group, just support. Not everyone really pursued the career we were thinking of having back in high school, while some of us went to have careers that we never thought in a million years we'd practice. Some actually want to change careers already, to pursue what they really want. But there's always this family balancing act that they have to consider.  

To be in the company of these girls who became women, it gets me thinking of the kind of woman I have also become. And it's strange to realize that there's not one kind of woman one becomes, but maybe several, all in one, at the same time. Intersections. Yes, I am a big fan of this concept. We do not live single issue lives, as Audre Lorde once wrote. As women, we also do not live single identity lives as well. Or sometimes, we also reject prescribed notions of womanhood that society tries to dress us up with, just because we have a vagina and not a penis. Strange to have the world reduced to what you have between your legs, not between your ears or what's near your lungs, right? But the world is funny and strange that way sometimes.

To tell you the truth, I've come to realize that I'm not that kind of a woman: the birthing kind. Even if my so-called "child-bearing hips" would make me a viable candidate, these hips have a longstanding contract with my vagina to not have anything bigger than a watermelon to grow inside and pass through them. Not that I'd choose or test to have a watermelon pass through there, no. Good god, what are you thinking?!? Kidding aside, no, even before I had a legitimate boyfriend, I've already decided back then, as early as my college years. This decision of not bearing a child in this lifetime was already made way ahead than my decision to become a writer, actually, or to pursue the career I have. I don't know but some decisions are easier to decide upon, just like that. But it doesn't mean that I abhor kids. In fact, my friends are amazed at the kind of patience I have with their kids. That's a totally different skillset, I remind them, and one doesn't have to be a mother to know how to interact properly with kids. I've actually had girlfriends before who were mothers, with kids of varying ages and sexes, yet they ask me some mothering tips on how to handle their kids or they let me handle situations with their kids because they're impatient about it. Imagine that. So yez, kidz skillset, I haz it.

And no, this decision doesn't connect directly to the fact that I decided not to be that kind of a woman: the man-loving kind. Give me credit for trying to follow the status quo of being in a boyfie-girlfie setup before, but give me bigger credit for defying that status quo. No, I don't defy for the sake of defying. It's just that I've come to realize, in the development of my persona, that being a woman who likes being with a woman is what makes me happy. Bonus points for not having straight situations some of my friends sometimes have. I luv yah my het friends but yeah, y'know what I'm talking 'bout. There was this one time that a friend, before meeting her boyfie, asked me to accompany her to Watsons to buy contraceptives. This was the same girl who, one morning, texted me to ask my feminist network where the morning after pill could be bought here in the country, but with the caveat that it's not for her. Why the disclaimer? Because by default, straight girls usually have such disclaimers embedded in them. I should know; I used to have them. To be a woman who wants to exercise her "god-given" right to have a safe and satisfying sex life, society puts obstacles in our paths sometimes, damning ones that make women feel guilty and shamed. No, I decided I'm not going to be that kind of a woman. So gay or straight, I exercised that right, and exercised safety at the same time. But now? My side of safety is a bit easier. As my good friend bought her condoms, I bought three kinds of mouthwash. "That's a lot of mouthwash!" she quipped. To which I replied "Because this is my kind of contraceptive, my friend." And we both laughed and went up to meet her boyfie.

Before going to Watsons, this friend actually chatted me up and asked how I am, and there's also a default question: how's your love life? A paired lesbian friend actually asked me that the other day, too, when I struck up a conversation with her. Sometimes I wonder about that question. Why are people so hung up on that part of us, the "love" life part. And this usually connects to the idea of having a partner or not. I wish when people ask about others' "love life," the answer would always be: "I'm totally fine. It's great! Because I love my life, and that's my love life!" Which is what I've always fought about, conceptually, in my mind, being that kind of a woman: the partnered kind. I've had my fair share of partnered years, clocked in and out of them. But what I've learned from those years was that I don't want a relationship status to define me. Sometimes I find it cute  that my coupled friends are obsessed with finding me a partner. (Partner agad? Puwede bang date muna, mga teh?) But there are also a handful who understand and respect me in my decision to be in a "single but not lonely" mode. Or rather, the "single but not alone" kind, as I always kid them that "Porke single, di ibig sabihin tigang, teh!" and it's always a hoot to kid about this. But none of them ever dared to ask if my joke was half-meant. But to the handful who know the truth, and who message me on Viber/FB/sms/email from time to time just to check up on me, I give them eternal hugs. Hashtag alam na. :)   



 

There are other kinds of parameters, barometers, litmus tests, and other standards that the world has on being "a certain kind" of a woman. I don't have a life mission to subscribe to them. I also don't have the aim of going against them. I just do what feels right to me, as a woman, and I just make sure I don't harm others in the process. Right now, I'm a woman who has her own place she calls her home, doing jobs that pay the bills while having enough left to splurge on occasional dates, does meetups with good friends and continue meeting new ones, enjoys the company of others and of herself, and very thankful to be (pa-)healthy, wealthy (in experiences) and wise (yeah, literal, lolz). Bonus points for being the creative kind and being tapped because of my talents and skills, and occasionally being flattered for my looks. Yes, at this point in my life, I am happy I am this kind of a woman: the fulfilled kind. I wish whatever you women out there have in your life, you will also be this kind, because it's the best kind of all, I think. The happiest.

Happy woman's millennium, my pals. Every second is ours. Claim it.