Homeowner, and a tale of lived beings

Hello. Are you still there? I'm coming back to say -- I still am.

Life has always gotten in the way of many things, we like to say, as humans. But then, I realized that, to be human, a living one, one needs to live a life. For us writers, we need to live life to write about life. And we need to have a life, in order to be able to write.

Confused? Don't be. Sometimes the most convoluted thoughts contain the simplest of truths. You just have to be more aware to figure it out. 

That's how life is, I suppose. A string of truths, hiding in plain sight, but we tend to overlook them, since there are so many distractions, preoccupations, and other things necessary or otherwise.

As a writer, one is also preoccupied with uncovering such truths, or creating to contribute to certain ones out there. But that kind of pursuit is sometimes halted by other things that need more attention at the moment, foremost of which is, as always, making money.

I've made a good deal of my own lately, actually, to the point that I was able to pay off my condo home loan ahead of time. Yes, that also happened: adulting, to the max. In fact, my 15 years-to-pay deal ended this week, after a whopping 10 years. Pucha, biro mo mehn, titulado na ko! I now have property to my name. When I used to teach in UP, I always got a bit sad come SALN-filling time, because I don't really have any assets to declare in that column, but in the liabilities column, there it always was: home loan condo. Well, no more na this year! Thanks to my parents who also had a hand in funding some of the amount that we always had recalculated whenever they had some windfall amount at hand, and also to my own windfall of rakets here and there, we were able to close the loan and the bank handed me my land title this week. 

So yeah, this week, let me add one more title to my list: homeowner. 

Titulado na lola mo, something better than a PhD methinks.

Nakakaloka. After ten years, kaya pala. To think that I "wasted" all those years in Quezon City, renting apartment after apartment, ranging from 8-10k a month, siguro dalawa na ang condo ko ngayon. Pero hindi ko rin naman magagawa ito noon, of course. I started living on my own independently, and like all early independents do, hikahos lang ang simula. I even had roommates in one house, so that we can all share the rent, bilang mga newbie independents kami. 

January 2008, ilang buwan pa lang mula nung turnover.
May sakit ako nito, pero nakakaginhawa sa
utak at kaluluwa na may tanawin akong ganito,
habang nagpapagaling. 

Pero hindi ko rin siguro ipagpapalit ang mga experiences ko na yun sa pagre-rent sa iba't ibang apartment, kasi they also had a hand in forming my character, and sharpening my being. Hindi rin naman kasi traumatic ang ibang moves na iyon, at ang iba pa nga ay looking forward pa ako sa move. Let me tell you some of them in a handful of nutshells:

Move 1: House to jowa's place

I was already working in a film production company in Ortigas when I wanted to move out of our Marikina house already. My father and I didn't get along so well sometimes, and also I felt that it's really time I had a "room of my own." We were in a 2-bedroom bungalow, the best my parents can afford as working middle class professionals back in the '80s, and they're still there now. I made working in Ortigas as a viable excuse for me to move out, but finding a girlfriend who was living in a 3-bedroom house made the move easier. Her mom's relatives owned the house, and she was looking after it, with the 2 other bedrooms leased out to 2 other women as tenants. I went to live with her in the 3rd bedroom, and it lasted for less than a year before we broke up. But after we broke up, the two tenants also ended their lease, and she had to move to Baguio to finish her law degree there. I took over her room as a tenant, and asked two of my close college barkada to rent the other rooms. And that was where our ConCon barkada was born -- in that halfway house in Naranghita.

The late '90s was a hoot. Our film barkada was still intact then.

Some of the housemates I had, and our frequent visitors.
All UP film college barkada, circa 1998.

Instaparty kapag may balikbayan sa amin. 

Instawild din kapag nag-inuman na. This was how Gen-X partied back then. 

But this was not the first time we had a halfway house of sorts, me and my college film berks. We actually had two, which I think prepared my parents for my eventual moving out for good. I think I have to include it here in my listing.

Move 0.1: Temporary (UP) Bliss

It was the sembreak of my last year of film school when my friends and I decided to share the rent in a unit inside the UP Bliss housing. Our film teacher sponsored a film to be done that time, script by my BFF and me directing, shooting in 16mm film ha. That would have been my first, prior to my 16mm film thesis sana, but the project fizzled out for reasons I can't remember anymore. But that several weeks in that UP Bliss gave us a taste of living independently, with roommates, paying bills like an adult, and I suppose it whet all our appetites.

Move 0.2: Mahiyain mode

Right after graduation, a handful of friends wanted to create a raket film production group, which was very rare pa back then (this is mid-'90s folks), and we decided to rent an apartment in Mahiyain street to have a headquarters. Well, we had a glorious first client which helped us pay the bills and rent, but everyone also had more glorious egos that clashed during work. So in short, that fizzled out faster than when it started.

Move 0.3: Maginhawa nga ba?

Another college friend of ours turned out to have his own fizzled film prod raket grouping, so he decided to tap me and my BFF to be new partners. We also tapped another film barkada, and this one was sturdier a samahan because our recruiter friend had a formidable work linkage in the form of this Fil-Canadian lady with a desktop publishing biz. She wanted to form a video production biz din, and she had the equipment, so we were the workers. Her huge home in Maginhawa had a small American-style garage at the back which actually could be converted into a 2-storey living quarters, so we lived there for a few months, too, as we made several rakets for her. But again, personalities crashed, as well as other things I can't recall anymore, and we ended up splitting from that setup, too, me and my BFF. So I went back to my parents' house for a while, until I made that pivotal Move 1. 

Kumu-conceptual photography with a tripod and SLR camera,
with legitimate celluloid film to boot.
Slight naubos pera ko sa kakapa-debelop ng rolyo noon,
but the memories are worth every analog print of it.

Historical preparations, ain't it? 

Move 2: Ex-jowa's house to new ex-jowa's house.

I think it has already been 2 years in that first house in Naranghita when I met a lawyer who became my jowa of 5 years. She was living in a compound owned by her ex's family, and in one of those doors, that ex of hers was also living there. And in another door, another lesbian lawyer was living there, too, who was the jowa of my jowa's ex. Magulo ba? Masusundan mo 'yan kung matalino ka, pramis hahaha! But things went bad with that ex of hers and that ex's jowa, who were living just next door to each other, literally. The jowa cheated, so my ex's ex wanted to move out of there. Meantime, we also wanted to move out already, so we three lesbians of Mabait street went and rented a new place in Mapagkumbaba street, up and down, one bedroom my ex's ex, and one ours. But that ex of hers found a new jowa and eventually moved out of our apartment. As for me, after 5 years, I also found a new me -- one that didn't want to be with her anymore. We were supposed to move into a new space actually, but that moved became a split into two different directions, not one, since I decided to split up with her, for good. 

I transitioned to many jobs during my stay with that 5-year jowa.
The last being this, as a n NGO worker in a feminist media int'l org.
Pivotal, those days. Which also meant I had to pause my MA studies,
since I had to juggle a home life with a really
high maintenance jowa back then.
Yeah, you get one of those from time to time.

As one of her last ditch efforts to keep us intact,
she allowed me to have a ConCon gathering with my
old film buddies again during our last years, since that was
my one reklamo during this relationship: na natanggal ako sa
sirkulo ng friends and arts ko when I was with her.
But even so, it wasn't really enough to make me stay.

My last months in that house, and that relationship.
'Twas when I realized I should love myself more. 

Move 3: Kamuning

My cousin-in-law's parents were renting out a duplex apartment somewhere in K-3rd street, and my cousin was living there with her young family of three in the smaller area. So I ended up renting the bigger area, all by my lonesome. That move was pivotal, since I was starting many lives back then: as a newly "singled" lesbian, a post-showbiz/media worker, post-NGO worker, and now a college professor, and also a new TV director. Which meant that the titser suweldo is not that ideal to keep an 8k a month rent, so I had to augment my income then. That Kamuning time was indeed such a busy time, so busy that my health suffered, so I ended up turning semi-vegetarian to have my lab results even out again. But then, cousin-in-law's parents decided to sell the house, and I had to vacate asap. Salamat ha. Thankfully, I found a new place in an old neigborhood.

The perks of renting a house all by your lonesome is you get to
decorate it however you want. So naturally, my artistic inclinations
arose that time, and I had a better canvas to explore.
Yes, those are windows. It's acrylic, so it washes off easily.

One of my prized possessions back then: a theatrical poster of Tomb Raider,
from my newspaper entertainment editor days. Sayang nasira.

Wherever I lived, even if it was temporary, I made sure it was homey. 

I also had preference for high ceilings.
Not a claustrophobic, but I dunno, I just felt like it.

Move 4: Naranghita part deux

A good deal of my teaching life was spent living in another part of Naranghita street, where the rent is basically the same as before. It's interesting to be back in the Anonas area at that time, a little bit older and wiser, but maybe still a bit stupid in the love department. See, when I was about to do Move 3, I met someone else right after I split with my ex of 5 years. She thought I two-timed her (at iyon ang pinagkalat niya sa mga tao), but that's not really the case (and I don't actually care kung ano ang pinagkalat niya sa akin, kasi I know the real score). This girl I met wasn't really such a good one for me, that's why the relationship never really became solid to begin with; it only served as a catalyst for me to jumpstart many things left dormant by the 5 year relationship. But she wasn't the sole catalyst, of course. Going back to the media grind also helped, thanks to my college barkada-slash-former housemates. But this girl just kept being present in my life, even after making Move 3. And she even came to me during Move 4, but only her things moved with me, because she stupidly moved out of her and her brother's own rented apartment back then, her without a plan, her brother moving into his own small apartment, so she ended up hauling her things in my place. "Pakilagay" lang daw, pero tuwing lilipat ako, nakikilipat din siya. The nerve, di ba. Even if I was already dating another person during this time, in this space, andiyan pa rin itong isa, nakikigulo. Hay naku, how did I even enter such predicaments back then is beyond me. All I know is that I'm glad they all ended.

Kahit katiting lang, dapat ang tirahan ko ay may bintana,
kung saan maaari kong matanaw ang langit at
ilang bahagi ng lupang may luntiang nagkalat.
Sa masikip na espasyong ito, puwede na
rin ito noon, pansamantala.

Ang chaka lang ng view, pero at least meron.

Dito ko muling naharap ang MA studies ko,
kaya naging espasyo ng pag-aaral ang bahay na ito.

Hindi ko alam kung premonition ito na hindi ako magtatagal sa espasyong ito,
pero hindi na ako masyadong ginanahan sa pagde-decor nito,
di tulad dun sa Kamuning dati. Kaya ganito lang
kasimple ang nilagay ko doon, para lang may bahid ng ako ang espasyo.

Ang lagi kong kasama sa mga paglilipat: ang pusa ko, at ang kurant ko.
Pareho nang wala sa buhay ko ngayon, kasi bawal na.

Move 5: Condo living

So finally, this is it, pansit! No more lingering ex-jowas to make sabit in this move, because this one is a purchase already. No more renting. No more sabits. The girl I was dating prior to this move, she also graced this space from time to time, but she had her own space with her son somewhere else. That immediately fizzled anyway, and then another person came into my life then. That one lived here for a good two years, before getting herself knocked up by a man. Galing, di ba? For a while I felt trapped here, since before, if an old relationship finished, I can also move out of the apartment and rent a new one. Not here. So what I did was, when I finally had enough cash, I disposed of all, I mean ALL, of my previous home furnishings, and replaced them with new ones: couch, TV display, TV, corner shelves, dining table, name it! Living room and dining room showcase ang change pare, even bedroom showcase. Mahihiya ang The Price is Right sa pinamigay ko nun. Pero na-cleanse na naman ang espasyo, at napalitan na ng ibang energies, kaya eto na siya, okay na.

At ngayon, akin na. Akin na talaga.

The moment I saw these kinda picture windows,
I was hooked. I knew I was home.

Ready for Occupy Marikina project again,
after 10 years of being in QC.
I mean, look at those windows, and the view!

Sa tuwing mag-eempake ako noon, feeling ko
sasadsad ako sa depression sa kung anumang kadahilanan.
Ewan ko ba kung bakit. Signos ng pagtatapos
siguro ng isang chapter, malamang. Pero itong hakot na ito,
wala, walang ganun. Kaya alam kong tama siya.

Mas marami nang puwedeng galawan, kahit papaano.
Level up na ang buhay, salamat sa kalawakan.

I always called this space my sanctuary, because it was. When the world is feeling mighty mighty low, at least I have a space I can retreat to, hibernate if you will, so I can recharge whatever needs recharging in my soul. For a time there, I also thought of this space as my Fortress of Solitude, because I lived here with no one and nothing but my thoughts, and Jor-el would be proud. Ninja training fortified. Before, I used to treat my temporary shelters as a respite, a stopover to wherever life will take me next, whatever I'm doing in life at that particular moment. But this time, no more of that. Having some kind of permanence also gave my being some peace of mind as I struggled to live here. 'Twas a struggle sometimes, indeed, especially financially, but I'm glad it turned out fine. Really fine.

And now, it's legally mine. 

No matter what the mood, the space is a safe one for me.
(Salamat din sa Rosco lighting gels swatch
na nakuha ko sa US sa eksperimentong ito).

I turned 45 this year. Sometimes I feel it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes all of these memories are crystal clear, sometimes they're just a blur. But when I recall the spaces I've lived in, it somewhat makes recollections easier, since there are automatic groupings, new chapter headings if you will, of this narrative I call my life. I guess now, now that this space is all mine, it's when Book Two starts naman. No more chapters. No more snippets. Sarado na ang unang libro, at panibagong simula na naman ang bubuksan nito sa buhay ko.

Sige lang. Andito lang ako, humihinga. Tignan natin kung ano ang maiuuwi ko naman ngayon, sa puntong ito ng buhay ko.

Siya nawa.

Kampai! At ibalik ang ibang kinaligtaan sa buhay.

And yes, thank you, you, for still reading this space. More to come. Pramis!

muni-muni morning

sa personal journal ko lang dapat ito, pero parang keri na ring i-share.

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9.03a

rainy cloudy mornings like these remind me of when I was small in project 4.

ito yung mga panahong may pasok at as usual, tinatamad akong gumising dahil antok pa ako, at ang gagawin ni lola e kukuha ng basang bimpo at pupunasan ako at bibihisan kahit kalahati ng katawan ko e tulog pa. Walang ligo, pag-uwi na lang from school.

Tapos pag naka-uniform na ako, magmumukmok akong maghihintay sa sala o a may labas ng schoolbus na jeep naman talaga dahil service jeep lang siyang for rent, tapos matutuwa ako kapag in-announce sa AM radio na walang pasok ang mga bata, elementary high school at kolehiyo.

Dali-dali kong huhubarin ang sapatos, medyas, uniform at ihahagis ito sa kung saan man puwedeng ihagis, at magbibihis ng sando o tshirt at shorts pambahay. Saka maglalaro ng jackstones, magco-coloring book o manonood ng cartoons sa TV kung meron nang ume-ere. Tapos hihintayin ko na lang ang katulong o ang lola namin na sumigaw ng “kakain na” ng tanghalian.

Habang hinihintay, makikipag-unahan naman ako sa kanilang kumuha ng ice candy o yelo para ihatid sa mga bumibili sa gate. Susubukan kong humingi rin ng chocolate ice candy kay lola pero pagagalitan niya ako at sasabihing “malamig ang panahon, umuulan na nga, mag-i-ice candy ka pa!” so babalik na lang ako sa kung anuman ang ginagawa ko, hanggang sa ipapalipat na ni lola ang TV sa kung saan mang channel naroon ang Student Canteen o Eat Bulaga kapag lampas alas-onse na. Kapag umere na ang mga palabas na ito, mag-e-expect na ako dahil pamaya-maya lang, meron nang sisigaw ng “kakain na!” at tatakbo ako sa aking designated seat sa mesa, sa right side corner ni lola na siya namang nasa dulo ng mesa, at katapat ko sa mesa si lolo, habang nasa kanan ko ang isa kong tita at nasa kabilang dulo ang bunso kong tita.

Gagayahin ko si lolo sa pag-upo sa mesa na nakatungtong ang kanang paa sa silya para ang tuhod niya ay naka-usli at nakapatong doon ang kanang braso ng kanang kamay na pinanggagamit niya sa pagkain, dahil hindi siya mahilig mag-kubyertos, pero pagagalitan ako ng tita ko sa tabi ko at sasabihing hindi proper way iyon ng pagkain ng isang dalaga. Seven years old lang ako nito ha.

-------

now you know what i'm thinking of every time i stare out into the window to look at the buhos ng ulan sa labas... well, at least one of the thoughts.

dugong: hay, sarap lang sa bahay 'pag umuulan, no?

yucky: oo nga e...

dugong: masarap kasi panalo 'yung view natin, 'no?

yucky: true ka jan 'te.




yucky: hindi siya gloomy sa feeling, ever.

dugong: korak. winner.

oso: pst, hoy kayo, lagi niyo na lang ako iniiwan sa mga chenelyn...

oso: sama ko...

farewell to my concubine...

...of ten years. or so.

the desktop.

yeah, i'm junking it. i need the space and a friend offered to buy, so i sold. of course reduced to more than half the price. but life has to go on.

as a writer, it is important for me to have a companion for moments when i need to record thoughts on tangible things. the trusty paper notebooks are still there, but there's nothing like the immediacy of this technology run by zeros and ones. different. digital.

ever since i lived on my own more than ten years ago, the project was to have this digital companion. my first fully-owned desktop computer. we had one at home but there was no way i was taking that with me, so i asked my cousin to create one for me. and he did.

that first model served its purpose. it became my music player and my connection to the world wide web. it produced drafts of manuscripts i published and other stuff that mattered. it was 1998. i was happy. life was simpler then. i was single, and had decadent friends, and trusty partners in crime. life was sweet.

and then came this old guy, my father's high school classmate or something, who also assembled better units. since my father was starting to get engrossed in the technology himself, he asked his friend to assemble a newer one, with a faster cpu and all stuff technically more modern. he then gave that model to me, and got my old one so the guy could chop it up (down?) or something. i was happier. there was a new OS happening that time, a higher pentium number, and more shebangs to play music and video. cool. that was 2001. i was happier. life was starting to get a bit complicated, due to a new presence in my life. again, i had a partner, and it was another chapter of my life being written. life was kind.

along came 2003. i suffered my very first computer crash. i was on my way to a new (revisited) gig when it happened. when i got home, it totally died on me. i wasn't able to save most of what i had from that first model in '98. i felt like i was robbed of property -- intellectual property.
eight month's worth of digital journals were gone, unrecovered. it was like i never existed for eight months, with my words just gone to digital limbo just like that. that was 2003, the time i was reassessing a lot of things in my life. i wanted out of a relationship, and was trying to find my self that got lost in limbo for the past years. things were not that happy. life was tricky.

but we manage, as always. the old unit gets rehashed, given a newer OS, and a newer lease of life. it served its purpose. it was great. still is. that was 2004, and now, 2008, i bid it farewell.

i know it'll be in good hands. stripped it off of things not going to be needed. retained things that will be needed, and enjoyed. a bonus for a friend.

this day and age of the ultra mobile lifestyle, i've decided to rework how i work things around here, to have better efficiency, to get best results, to have a happier time. this shift will serve that purpose. i know it will. still zeros and ones, but not alone, and definitely not lonely. excited is more like it.

we all have to move on, sooner or later.

and this is me, moving on, sooner than later. now.

farewell to a piece of me that never was.

knowing ortigas and taureans

was in ortigas earlier today to run a few errands. it's just amazing how different it is now than when i was last there some years ago to work.

yeah, flashbacking mode ito.

sa strata 100 kasi ako pumunta, sa office ng mega magazine (where i contribute as a writer now). strata 100 was my "old playground" to quote lola madonna, dahil dito located ang dati naming office na premiere entertainment productions (or PEP as we called it). the revival of one of the 4 influential film studios of the golden age of philippine cinema, pep was my home ng mga 2 years or so, in the mid-90s after i graduated from UP film.

gulat lang ako kasi hi-tech na sila. dati, pinagti-trip-an pa naming umakyat sa floor namin o bumaba gamit ang stairs. yes, bata pa nga kami noon... pero ngayon, hi-tech na ang elevator. you have to key in the floor number na gusto mong puntahan, not merely up or down. ngayon lang kasi ako nakakita ng ganitong elevator kaya nagulat akesh.

iba na rin ang paligid doon. syempre mas marami na siyang kainan. di tulad dati, kung sosyal na kapihan na disente ang pagkain at presyo ang type namin, sa au bon pain kami, this small french café sa may taipan place. hindi pa uso ang mga paborito niyong starbucks, seattle's best o figaro noon. kung mall naman, dalawa lang ang nilalakad namin: megamall o galleria. ngayon, may podium pa. di counted ang shang kasi malayo na siyang lakarin lalo na kung naka-corporate attire ka (which was our get-up back then).

nga pala, nadaan ako sa newly opened store ng radar pridewear sa poduim kanina. maganda siya. good luck girls!

kapag sweldo at trip naming mag-pig-out, sa el pueblo lang kami namimili ng kakainan. either tgifriday's lang naman yun or rack's. at pag inuman, lalo na happy hour, sa sidebar kami pumupunta. o kaya we carpool and visit our favorite haunt of all time, malate, where we hang out at café adriatico or somewhere else there, kung ano ang nice. episode and verve used to be nice, and used to be there. i'm not sure if it's still there.

those were really the days, eh?

nakakatawa lang. when my girlfriend and i made an appointment last year to see each other, ang marker namin ay "yung mcdo sa kanto sa likod ng megamall." being familiar with ortigas, alam namin agad kung saan iyon. everybody knows where that is. pero lo and behold, when we arrived, mcdo was no more...at isa na siyang malaking st. francis square chenes mall-y thing... funny talaga yun...and strange...for a while, na-lost akong nakatayo sa kantong iyon, figuring out what happened to the landmark i knew, and also figuring out where i could meet my girl at that area.

the landmarks of our youth are now being replaced by new landmarks of the youth of today. i guess ganyan lang talaga ang life. papalit-palit ng markers. for a taurus like me, that's both disconcerting kasi and exciting, depende sa sitwasyon.

was talking nga with a dear friend days ago about this. napaka-typical taurean ko nga raw. steady lang, di tulad ng iba naming friends na super-flash ang gusto, super-yaman, quick cash, quick fame, all that jazz. hindi kasi ako ganun e. at ayokong maging ganun. i'd rather be slow and steady, but sure of where i am, where i want to be, and where i'm going. if they want to live life in the fast lane, ako sa steady lane lang. kahit mabagal, i don't care. i'm in no rush to run my life. kaya okay na ko sa pace kong ito. deal with it.

kaya funny lang ulit when i had the chance to work again sa isang IT company sa ortigas ulit, this time sa JMT building ba yun? the one na katabi ng el pueblo na. even though i lasted in that stupid company for 5 months lang, nag-flashbacking mode ako ulit sa ortigas life ko noong mid-90s (mga early 2000s na kasi itong IT ek).

noong time naman na iyon, i was also active as a contributing writer of lifestyle and entertainment sections of a lot of publications both print and online. trip ko naman noon ang assignments na mag-review ng mga kainan. at isa sa na-feature ko ata noon ay yung tea parlor na struan and tang's located sa likod ng strata 100 kalye, sa katabing building nito. pero wala na rin iyon ngayon.

dami ko pang ibang napuntahan at na-review sa ortigas area din, pero sadly, wala na nga rin karamihan sa kanila. mabilis talaga ang turn-over sa food n beverage places na ganyan e. oh well.

ano na kaya ang hitsura ng ortigas when this decade is over? mabilis ang facelift ng places these days. sometimes, i wonder if we will ever catch up with all of them. but then again, do we need to?

la lang.