The '90s wouldn't be the '90s without that unmistakable angsty voice-with-a-yodel of Dolores O'Riordan. And it wouldn't be *my* '90s if their cassette tape wasn't inside the radio of my box-type car, driving around the traffic-less streets of Metro Manila, my heart heavy with some thought or other, my head rocking to their guitars and drums, my soul busy with processing whatever it is that needs processing at that time. The Cranberries were a good background soundtrack for that stage in my life back then.
It was 1993, 1994, 1995. The years when I traded my original college (Fine Arts) for another (Mass Comm) inside the same campus (UP Diliman). I traded my techpens, pencils, paintbrushes for an SLR camera and a video camera. It wasn't an easy transition, because it wasn't 100% sanctioned. New friends, new knowledge, and new music soothed me that time. Dolores became one of my anonymous best friends. And as a frustrated drummer, Fergal rocked for me.
I finished my 16mm film thesis back in '94-'95 with her singing in the background, started facing life after college in '95-'96 still with her in the background, and I even dragged one of my film school buddies to watch them live in concert when they came here in '96.
It was the first mosh pit of my life, that Cranberries Live in Manila concert. We were literally a spit away from her, her mic stand full of attached guitar picks which she plucked out like she was plucking petals from a flower. And some of those she picked she threw or handed to us in the front rows. Until later, I can't recall if it was her or the other guitarist who came out with a small box of those guitar picks, and threw them to us like we were children hungry for candy. Magaling akong sumalo sa ganyan beh! So ang dami kong nakuha at naiuwi. Pero mas precious yung inabot sa akin mismo ni Dolores that time. Transferring rental apartments in 10 years made me lose those mementos lang, which is sad.
But of course, this is sadder. To hear that she is gone. Playing When You're Gone now, because I just want to feel so fucking meta right now. This is actually one of my favorite songs of theirs. And Salvation, too.
Nakakalungkot. When you're in a stage of your life where you want to just let go of it all, here comes some pop culture snippets that will make you hang on, will make you want to hang on for a bit more, until you let go of wanting to let go, and just go on and move forward, wherever forward may lead you.
Their music was that to me back then. Isa sa mga kinapitan ko. Matinding kapit. At kapag ganoon kalalim ang kapit mo, tatatak sa iyo iyon hanggang sa pagtanda mo.
And here I am, manghang-mangha pa rin na nakaabot ako sa 44, dahil nga hindi ako bumitaw. Ilang tumbling na lang ngayong taon, 45 na ako. Siya, namatay kanina, 46 siya. Hindi pala kami nagkakalayo ng edad.
Salamat, little girl from Limerick. Your music will linger in me, within me, until letting go is not an option anymore, but a finality.
Showing posts with label favorites. Show all posts
Showing posts with label favorites. Show all posts
16 January 2018
23 April 2015
the thank you list
In less than ten hours, I'll be passing another earthly milestone in this universe: turning 42. While I'm still freshly near the bigger milestone that is 40, I thought I'd make a quick list of things that I am grateful for, so far, in this surprisingly fantastic life I'm having.
1. Thank goddess I'm still alive.
I've had friends, colleagues, acquaintances and relatives who passed away too soon, in this lifetime. A younger cousin, a UP Baguio writer's workshop co-fellow, and lately a professor colleague who encouraged me not to leave teaching, to name a few. Why one's life journey ends while others continue remains a mystery that doesn't require us to solve. It's just like that, and so be it.
That's why I'm thanking the universe that I remain alive up to this point. Because there was a time when I wish I weren't. I even wrote a short story about it. Hell, that short story even won me my first Palanca, you know. But those thoughts, thankfully, remain in my literature, and not in my real life. Because there's so much to live for, apparently, and so much to experience, accomplish, and feel. And I'm glad I still have the chance to do all those, now.
2. Thank you courage and kickass-ery.
I don't know where I get it, but I thank the universe that I have some form of courage to do the things I did in my life, to stay in situations when I should have left, and to leave even when others said stay. It takes guts to pick up and leave, and it takes guts to stay put as well.
Also, there are some instances when you needed more than courage -- you needed to be kickass. So I also thank the universe for developing some kickass-ery in me, this creature who started out as an introvert in her early life. Who would have thought, pare? 'Yan ang lagi kong naiisip kapag napapaisip ako sa mga sinuong kong kung anu-ano sa buhay na ito. Glad I came out of them alive, in one piece, and sane. Not to mention fabulous, but I'm already bragging na. So stop.
3. Thank you, open-mindedness.
What I learned in the last two decades of my life is that no matter how solid you think your beliefs, principles and foundations are, there is always room to wiggle in some stuff that could enhance those beliefs, principles and foundations. And there will always be room to deconstruct some of those pillars without destroying the whole system structure. The key here is having an open mind. And boy, was my mind open or what! From job decisions to personal paradigm shifts, I don't think I could have accumulated the snippets of lessons I have if my mind were not that open to begin with. I'm glad it was. Still is!
4. Thank you family, relatives and silent supporters
I'm also thankful that my nuclear family is still around and very supportive of all the efforts I've been doing in my life. I am extra lucky that there is no issue about being queer in my nuclear family. My mom, pop and sis get it. Some relatives get it, too. And for those relatives who don't, I'm still thankful that they're there by blood relations only, so don't force me to have friendly relations with you as well, especially if you talk about me behind my back.
And those I don't know but who cheer me on and who are supportive of the things I do, read the art I create, or are genuinely happy for me when they practice being quiet spectators of my life, thanks din sa inyo.
5. Thank you friendsheeps of all sorts
What I've learned in this life is that you can't really have a steady stream of friends that will stick with you through thick and thin. That's because they also have their own issues and struggles to mind, so sometimes they have no time, energy or effort left to mind yours. Early in this life, I've had this steady stream but once opportunities came their way, they were too eager to abandon solid trust for anything that they glorified more. Money? Fame? Power? Credentials? I don't know. I guess I invested in the wrong people early in my life, treated some friends as my chosen family, only to be hurt by them, one by one, bit by bit.
But I think they all serve a purpose, these friends, ex-friends, soon to be friends. People appear in your life when you need to learn a lesson, need your hand to be held, need your head to be challenged, need your soul to be stabled. And if they have done their role, then exit frame na sila. Ganyan lang naman talaga yata ang mga tao sa buhay mo, may panahong kailangan na silang mag-curtain call. And for those who have been sticking for far longer than you thought they originally would, be thankful na lang na they're still there.
So thanks, you guys. Big hug from moi.
6. Thank you, brain.
Sometimes we take it for grated that we have a fully functioning brain that was able to withstand challenges in the academic and emotional fields. Even psychological or mental. Lalo na doon siguro. Kaya buti na lang at biniyayaan ako ng ganitong uri ng utak, na kayang magproseso, tumanggap, mag-isip, mag-muni-muni, at lumikha.
7. Thank you, pag-ibig.
I guess it was a lucky call to not give up on love once more at the time I did. Or maybe it's called taking another chance. Like I've said in this space, I have no problem naman with being single. But it was really nice that I was able to gamble one last time with this thing called love, to see where a new journey could lead me, hand in hand with someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated in this lifetime.
At para sa mga inibig kong di pumatok, salamat na rin dahil walang katapusang materyal ang binibigay niyo sa aking inspirasyon para lumikha. Hihihi. Char!
8. To the girl who gets it
Thank you for being The Girl Without An Agenda to being The Girl Who Gets It. Andiyan ka lang pala sa tabi-tabi ng Marikina din. Bakit ngayon ka lang dumating sa buhay ko, sabi nga ng kanta. Siyempre charot yan, kasi if you arrived during the time the universe introduced us for the first time, hindi pa hinog ang bungang matamis nating tinatamasa ngayon. Salamat sa unang halik. Unli kiss ang kapalit niyan.
Nakakatawa pero nung isang araw ko pa iniisip 'yung dati kong listahan ng kung ano ba dapat ang minimum requirements ko sa isang partner. Sa listahang ito, may tumataginting namang pumasa dati, pero nawasak din paglaon ang samahang iyon. Ang pinagkaiba siguro ng checklist na iyon noon sa ngayon ay: wala nang masyadong compromise 'yung mga answers ko ngayon. Kumbaga, mas matured na siya, mas learned, mas wise. And most of all, mas peaceful siguro.
To check those requirements sa isang partner:
-- dapat malambing sya.
-- dapat hindi siya praning
-- dapat out siya
-- dapat koboy siya
-- dapat hindi siya classist matapobre freak kundi patient and tolerant of differences
-- dapat into the arts siya, o naiintindihan niya ang importance ng arts
-- dapat sensitive siya sa needs mo
-- dapat honest siya sa feelings niya sa yo
-- dapat matino at masarap kausap
-- dapat tanggap niya kung ano ka
-- dapat she is a woman of her word. at walang third party. kahit ex-turned-friend pa man niya yun.
-- dapat hindi siya sinungaling
-- at dapat, gagawa siya ng effort para magwork ang relationship niyo.
Ikaw lahat iyan. This time, I have a feeling na mas malaki-laki at mas profitable ang ROI ko sa investment na ito, this time around. Dahil ikaw ikaw. Kaya salamat sa pagiging ikaw. Hashtag three hearts.
9. Salamat, Pilipinas.
Ilang beses na kitang inisip iwanan, sa totoo lang. Pero may certain seduction kang kumakapit sa akin. Ilang bansa na rin ang napuntahan ko, at lagi kitang kinukumpara sa kanila, for better or for worse. Pero ngayon ko lang napagtanto na masaya din naman palang nanatili ako rito. Ito 'yung bahagi ng pinasasalamatan kong courage to stay sa itaas. Kasi kahit anong nangyayari sa iyo dati at ngayon, nandito pa rin ako. At salamat na rin naman, kahit minsan ay hindi masaya dito. Ewan ko ba, pero may hindi ako maipaliwanag na bond sa iyo, pero I'm also thankful that that bond exists. Saka ko na lang ide-decipher kung ano iyon. Probably isaw at crispy pata ang main ingredients nun. And beaches. But I speculate.
10. Salamat, nega.
Sabi nga ng tattoo ni Angelina Jolie, what nourishes me destroys me. Buti na lang at hindi ako ganun. Well, except siguro kung nasosobrahan ako ng pagkain ng crispy pata. Sabi rin naman ng kanta ni Regine Velasquez, you make me stronger by breaking my heart. Doon relate ako. Kasi sa dami ng hurdles na kailangang talunin sa buhay, buti na lang at long-legged ang lola mo kaya kinakaya naman.
There's always a way of learning from bad things. In fact, it's best to learn from the bad than the good, because you get creative in thinking about strategies and ways of scrutinizing and avoiding the bad. So okay na rin at may quota ng nega na dumating sa buhay na ito. Kasi kung walang nega, hindi mo rin maa-appreciate ang positive. Kaya good vibes just the same. Saka natututo ka rin to manage the nega. Negatrons transform! na lang ang peg -- transform to be a better fighter.
There are more things to be thankful for, at mauubos ang blog na ito kung ililista nating lahat. But for the magic 42, this will do.
For now.
See you on the other side.
1. Thank goddess I'm still alive.
I've had friends, colleagues, acquaintances and relatives who passed away too soon, in this lifetime. A younger cousin, a UP Baguio writer's workshop co-fellow, and lately a professor colleague who encouraged me not to leave teaching, to name a few. Why one's life journey ends while others continue remains a mystery that doesn't require us to solve. It's just like that, and so be it.
That's why I'm thanking the universe that I remain alive up to this point. Because there was a time when I wish I weren't. I even wrote a short story about it. Hell, that short story even won me my first Palanca, you know. But those thoughts, thankfully, remain in my literature, and not in my real life. Because there's so much to live for, apparently, and so much to experience, accomplish, and feel. And I'm glad I still have the chance to do all those, now.
What an "interesting" way of reminding you about life
than writing about death, particularly those
lost in tragedy. Gives you another way of looking
at life, loss, and the world between it.
[November 2014 Yolanda book launch in Ortigas]
2. Thank you courage and kickass-ery.
I don't know where I get it, but I thank the universe that I have some form of courage to do the things I did in my life, to stay in situations when I should have left, and to leave even when others said stay. It takes guts to pick up and leave, and it takes guts to stay put as well.
Also, there are some instances when you needed more than courage -- you needed to be kickass. So I also thank the universe for developing some kickass-ery in me, this creature who started out as an introvert in her early life. Who would have thought, pare? 'Yan ang lagi kong naiisip kapag napapaisip ako sa mga sinuong kong kung anu-ano sa buhay na ito. Glad I came out of them alive, in one piece, and sane. Not to mention fabulous, but I'm already bragging na. So stop.
Yumu-UN lola mo. Yun na!
Courage also meant weaving in and out
of different work industries and sectors in this lifetime,
and enjoying every bit of experience along the way.
[November 2014 At the
UN Convention Center in Bangkok, Thailand]
3. Thank you, open-mindedness.
What I learned in the last two decades of my life is that no matter how solid you think your beliefs, principles and foundations are, there is always room to wiggle in some stuff that could enhance those beliefs, principles and foundations. And there will always be room to deconstruct some of those pillars without destroying the whole system structure. The key here is having an open mind. And boy, was my mind open or what! From job decisions to personal paradigm shifts, I don't think I could have accumulated the snippets of lessons I have if my mind were not that open to begin with. I'm glad it was. Still is!
Open-mindedness certainly helped me answer
the questions in last year's guesting sa show ni Kuya Boy.
[June 2014 at ABS-CBN studios]
4. Thank you family, relatives and silent supporters
I'm also thankful that my nuclear family is still around and very supportive of all the efforts I've been doing in my life. I am extra lucky that there is no issue about being queer in my nuclear family. My mom, pop and sis get it. Some relatives get it, too. And for those relatives who don't, I'm still thankful that they're there by blood relations only, so don't force me to have friendly relations with you as well, especially if you talk about me behind my back.
And those I don't know but who cheer me on and who are supportive of the things I do, read the art I create, or are genuinely happy for me when they practice being quiet spectators of my life, thanks din sa inyo.
Isaw date with my mum. Yum!
[2014 somewhere in Marikina]
5. Thank you friendsheeps of all sorts
What I've learned in this life is that you can't really have a steady stream of friends that will stick with you through thick and thin. That's because they also have their own issues and struggles to mind, so sometimes they have no time, energy or effort left to mind yours. Early in this life, I've had this steady stream but once opportunities came their way, they were too eager to abandon solid trust for anything that they glorified more. Money? Fame? Power? Credentials? I don't know. I guess I invested in the wrong people early in my life, treated some friends as my chosen family, only to be hurt by them, one by one, bit by bit.
But I think they all serve a purpose, these friends, ex-friends, soon to be friends. People appear in your life when you need to learn a lesson, need your hand to be held, need your head to be challenged, need your soul to be stabled. And if they have done their role, then exit frame na sila. Ganyan lang naman talaga yata ang mga tao sa buhay mo, may panahong kailangan na silang mag-curtain call. And for those who have been sticking for far longer than you thought they originally would, be thankful na lang na they're still there.
So thanks, you guys. Big hug from moi.
Sapphic silverbelles in the Summer capital.
[April 2015 Baguio City]
6. Thank you, brain.
Sometimes we take it for grated that we have a fully functioning brain that was able to withstand challenges in the academic and emotional fields. Even psychological or mental. Lalo na doon siguro. Kaya buti na lang at biniyayaan ako ng ganitong uri ng utak, na kayang magproseso, tumanggap, mag-isip, mag-muni-muni, at lumikha.
Art meets advocacy in this anthology of LGBT writings.
Buy the book! [August 2014 UP CWS]
7. Thank you, pag-ibig.
I guess it was a lucky call to not give up on love once more at the time I did. Or maybe it's called taking another chance. Like I've said in this space, I have no problem naman with being single. But it was really nice that I was able to gamble one last time with this thing called love, to see where a new journey could lead me, hand in hand with someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated in this lifetime.
At para sa mga inibig kong di pumatok, salamat na rin dahil walang katapusang materyal ang binibigay niyo sa aking inspirasyon para lumikha. Hihihi. Char!
Matamis. Minsan strawberry. Minsan love life.
Madalas ako at siya. Yihiiii!
[April 2015 Baguio city market]
8. To the girl who gets it
Thank you for being The Girl Without An Agenda to being The Girl Who Gets It. Andiyan ka lang pala sa tabi-tabi ng Marikina din. Bakit ngayon ka lang dumating sa buhay ko, sabi nga ng kanta. Siyempre charot yan, kasi if you arrived during the time the universe introduced us for the first time, hindi pa hinog ang bungang matamis nating tinatamasa ngayon. Salamat sa unang halik. Unli kiss ang kapalit niyan.
Nakakatawa pero nung isang araw ko pa iniisip 'yung dati kong listahan ng kung ano ba dapat ang minimum requirements ko sa isang partner. Sa listahang ito, may tumataginting namang pumasa dati, pero nawasak din paglaon ang samahang iyon. Ang pinagkaiba siguro ng checklist na iyon noon sa ngayon ay: wala nang masyadong compromise 'yung mga answers ko ngayon. Kumbaga, mas matured na siya, mas learned, mas wise. And most of all, mas peaceful siguro.
To check those requirements sa isang partner:
-- dapat malambing sya.
-- dapat hindi siya praning
-- dapat out siya
-- dapat koboy siya
-- dapat hindi siya classist matapobre freak kundi patient and tolerant of differences
-- dapat into the arts siya, o naiintindihan niya ang importance ng arts
-- dapat sensitive siya sa needs mo
-- dapat honest siya sa feelings niya sa yo
-- dapat matino at masarap kausap
-- dapat tanggap niya kung ano ka
-- dapat she is a woman of her word. at walang third party. kahit ex-turned-friend pa man niya yun.
-- dapat hindi siya sinungaling
-- at dapat, gagawa siya ng effort para magwork ang relationship niyo.
Ikaw lahat iyan. This time, I have a feeling na mas malaki-laki at mas profitable ang ROI ko sa investment na ito, this time around. Dahil ikaw ikaw. Kaya salamat sa pagiging ikaw. Hashtag three hearts.
My statement shirts never lie. Ever.
[2014 somewhere in SM City North EDSA]
9. Salamat, Pilipinas.
Ilang beses na kitang inisip iwanan, sa totoo lang. Pero may certain seduction kang kumakapit sa akin. Ilang bansa na rin ang napuntahan ko, at lagi kitang kinukumpara sa kanila, for better or for worse. Pero ngayon ko lang napagtanto na masaya din naman palang nanatili ako rito. Ito 'yung bahagi ng pinasasalamatan kong courage to stay sa itaas. Kasi kahit anong nangyayari sa iyo dati at ngayon, nandito pa rin ako. At salamat na rin naman, kahit minsan ay hindi masaya dito. Ewan ko ba, pero may hindi ako maipaliwanag na bond sa iyo, pero I'm also thankful that that bond exists. Saka ko na lang ide-decipher kung ano iyon. Probably isaw at crispy pata ang main ingredients nun. And beaches. But I speculate.
Yes, it's the pata. Sankapa!
[2014 at Livestock QC]
10. Salamat, nega.
Sabi nga ng tattoo ni Angelina Jolie, what nourishes me destroys me. Buti na lang at hindi ako ganun. Well, except siguro kung nasosobrahan ako ng pagkain ng crispy pata. Sabi rin naman ng kanta ni Regine Velasquez, you make me stronger by breaking my heart. Doon relate ako. Kasi sa dami ng hurdles na kailangang talunin sa buhay, buti na lang at long-legged ang lola mo kaya kinakaya naman.
There's always a way of learning from bad things. In fact, it's best to learn from the bad than the good, because you get creative in thinking about strategies and ways of scrutinizing and avoiding the bad. So okay na rin at may quota ng nega na dumating sa buhay na ito. Kasi kung walang nega, hindi mo rin maa-appreciate ang positive. Kaya good vibes just the same. Saka natututo ka rin to manage the nega. Negatrons transform! na lang ang peg -- transform to be a better fighter.
Suwerte-suwerte lang kapag nakakasapul.
O kaya may skill na kaakibat.
Huwag kalimutan ang bow and arrow na lang.
[2014 at Gandiva Cafe Ortigas]
*
There are more things to be thankful for, at mauubos ang blog na ito kung ililista nating lahat. But for the magic 42, this will do.
For now.
See you on the other side.
Ang life parang photography. Shoot lang ng shoot.
Develop from the negatives. Take nothing but great memories.
Etch those images in your mind.
[May 1999 somewhere in Dumaguete]
19 June 2014
Full gallop it iz
Of course I'm so busy in life, that's why I'm here again! Lolz. If you've been following this, this is my ritual: "procrastinating" by blogging my muni-muni mode stuff when I have I-can-do-that-in-my-sleep type of work. Like LOTS! Like I'm so excited I signed up for a lot of things but a lot of things are also happening so fast that hey, sometimes we only have moments to breathe before the next episode.
But hey, I ain't complainin' ya hear? So grateful that I have such a cornucopia of stuff on my plate right now, in many aspects to boot. Work-wise, I've already concluded some, currently concluding a few, continuing some pa rin, starting on some new ones soon, and also trying to take huge ones in, like HUGE pare! Hahaha payaman factor ang lola mo these days which I don't know why hehe. But it's just good to be comfortable like that, in life's work stuff, and to not have insecurities and to not deal with others' shortcomings and destructive tendencies are such a relief for me. Iba na rin 'yung nakakapili ka na ng trabaho at/o pinipili kang katrabaho at ikaw ay kampante sa kalalabasan dahil inaalagaan kang tunay at sapat. So there.
As for the home front, I'm also happy and glad that things fall into place. I know this one deserves its own blog to begin with, but let me just say that it's such a surprise from the universe to have stumbled upon someone who is soooooooooo your match. I've long forgotten how it's like to be cared for and nurtured by a person who really embodies the term "partner" and who's also proud to carry the title "girlfriend" that I often find myself pausing and thinking if things are for real. If you know where I came from last year -- mula sa isang pirated na napeke ka sa samahan at isang pekeng siraulong lalo pang dadalawin ng karma-malas sa habangbuhay -- I was so ready to fully sign up and embrace the Brian Kinney-esque mode of my life for good, for all eternity teh! Ganun ang drama ng lola mo. Malay ko bang may mga nilalang pa palang maaasahang magmahal nang maayos at maaliwalas. Suwerte suwerte lang talaga. And... that's all I have to say about that. For now.
Tuwa lang din ako sa aspetong personal, tulad ng adbokasiya. Buhay pa naman ang bahay sa larangang iyan kaya gorabels lang to the best of my abilities lagi ang peg. Tulad kagabi, niyakag ako ni byuti Bemz from Ladlad to guest as the L rep sa The Bottomline ni Boy Abunda. So taping galore kami kagabi at abangan na lang ang mga sinabi ng aking, erhm, matatabil na ummm basta, pasaway mode hahaha. Lekat. Heniweyz next Sabado daw eere. Abangan niyo na lang.
Lumipas na pala ang birthday month ko at lumipas din ang Mayo at ang tag-araw nang walang kaabog-abog. Sabi nga ng isang gabay ko, i-celebrate ko daw ang last days of being 40 bilang feeling deprived ako sa masayang selebrasyon ng aking pagsalubong dito dahil sa kaganapan sa buhay ko last year na nakaistorbo ng major marker na ito. Kaya tama, 'yun nga ang ginawa ko. At malay ko bang may malaki palang sorpresang regalo sa akin ang kalawakan sa pamamagitan ng isang nilalang na buong summer kong kinilala ng husto sabay ng pagkilala kong muli sa sarili ko sa larangang ito ng samahan. Masaya siya, sobra. Pumunta kami sa kanila kung saan siya talaga nagmula, at natutuwa rin akong sa ngayon ay kapitbahay ko siya. 'Sensya na at talagang pinaninindigan ko ang hashtag invention ng mga kabatak kong #inlabsibayli hahaha. Ako na! #alamna.
I'm also so glad that I'm rediscovering friends' capacities as well, in terms of our professional and personal dealings. Also glad to stumble upon new workmates. Yes, I'm in such a good place now that I keep thanking the universe for clearing the skies there for me when I thought I'd have to deal with rainclouds for a long time. Yes, it's good. It's all good.
I hope you all are, too. More stories to come. In the meantime, hop on over to our refurbished POC Pinoy LGBT channel for more kuwentos. My Relationship 2.0 series is well on its way and I have three articles up, narrating the love I finally deserve plus the queer societal reboot that we seem to be having. Plus we're starting a new subsection called LGBT Erotica and I'm starting a column under that called "Kalibugan ng Kuwan" hihihi. Read my first article "Paano nga ba makipag-sex sa kapwa babae?" here.
Or maki-miron na lang sa @leaflens Twitter ko for more daily musings and kulitan. Visual version also available at my @leaflens Instagram account which I am also populating daily. Yes, I have to survive and I like making marks, so those are those.
Okay break time's over. Have a good one, folks. Over and out -- and proud!
Pause for a break. Or stop... in the name of love? Charut!
But hey, I ain't complainin' ya hear? So grateful that I have such a cornucopia of stuff on my plate right now, in many aspects to boot. Work-wise, I've already concluded some, currently concluding a few, continuing some pa rin, starting on some new ones soon, and also trying to take huge ones in, like HUGE pare! Hahaha payaman factor ang lola mo these days which I don't know why hehe. But it's just good to be comfortable like that, in life's work stuff, and to not have insecurities and to not deal with others' shortcomings and destructive tendencies are such a relief for me. Iba na rin 'yung nakakapili ka na ng trabaho at/o pinipili kang katrabaho at ikaw ay kampante sa kalalabasan dahil inaalagaan kang tunay at sapat. So there.
What is the path of least resistance?
Just flow, beks. Just flow. [April 2014 Baler Fish Port]
As for the home front, I'm also happy and glad that things fall into place. I know this one deserves its own blog to begin with, but let me just say that it's such a surprise from the universe to have stumbled upon someone who is soooooooooo your match. I've long forgotten how it's like to be cared for and nurtured by a person who really embodies the term "partner" and who's also proud to carry the title "girlfriend" that I often find myself pausing and thinking if things are for real. If you know where I came from last year -- mula sa isang pirated na napeke ka sa samahan at isang pekeng siraulong lalo pang dadalawin ng karma-malas sa habangbuhay -- I was so ready to fully sign up and embrace the Brian Kinney-esque mode of my life for good, for all eternity teh! Ganun ang drama ng lola mo. Malay ko bang may mga nilalang pa palang maaasahang magmahal nang maayos at maaliwalas. Suwerte suwerte lang talaga. And... that's all I have to say about that. For now.
#akona! Heart heart.
Tuwa lang din ako sa aspetong personal, tulad ng adbokasiya. Buhay pa naman ang bahay sa larangang iyan kaya gorabels lang to the best of my abilities lagi ang peg. Tulad kagabi, niyakag ako ni byuti Bemz from Ladlad to guest as the L rep sa The Bottomline ni Boy Abunda. So taping galore kami kagabi at abangan na lang ang mga sinabi ng aking, erhm, matatabil na ummm basta, pasaway mode hahaha. Lekat. Heniweyz next Sabado daw eere. Abangan niyo na lang.
Nanibago ako sa on-cam mode -- at sa pag-identify bilang L!
Lolz tago muna ang genderqueerness beks.
Haven't done this in a long while, tapos ganito pa ka-huge ang sabak hehe.
Heniweyz abangan sa huling Sabado ng June Pride Month sa ANC.
Di ko knows timeslot so google na lang.
[June 2014 photos swiped from Ladlad's Adel and Chris' FB tags/pages].
At bilang last salvo ni Psych Prof. Erik beki sa UP Center for Women's Studies,
may-I-attend kami nina Bubbles ng workshop chuvaness to enlighten
engender their staff and such chenelyns. Kamusta sa pikit factor bakla.
Ayan mas matino ito. Hate my hair noon hm. Cut na 'yan.
[May 2014 UP CWS]
Lumipas na pala ang birthday month ko at lumipas din ang Mayo at ang tag-araw nang walang kaabog-abog. Sabi nga ng isang gabay ko, i-celebrate ko daw ang last days of being 40 bilang feeling deprived ako sa masayang selebrasyon ng aking pagsalubong dito dahil sa kaganapan sa buhay ko last year na nakaistorbo ng major marker na ito. Kaya tama, 'yun nga ang ginawa ko. At malay ko bang may malaki palang sorpresang regalo sa akin ang kalawakan sa pamamagitan ng isang nilalang na buong summer kong kinilala ng husto sabay ng pagkilala kong muli sa sarili ko sa larangang ito ng samahan. Masaya siya, sobra. Pumunta kami sa kanila kung saan siya talaga nagmula, at natutuwa rin akong sa ngayon ay kapitbahay ko siya. 'Sensya na at talagang pinaninindigan ko ang hashtag invention ng mga kabatak kong #inlabsibayli hahaha. Ako na! #alamna.
Maganda ang araw kapag maganda ang iyong kasama.
Maaliwalas ang panahon kapag maaliwalas ang inyong pagsasama.
Siya nawa. [April 2014 Baler fish port]
Ang may kasalanan ng aking makasalanang bilbil ngayon.
Siya nawa. [April 2014 Sabang Beach Baler]
Kung ganito ba naman ang coffice mo araw-araw,
talagang gaganahan kang magtipa for life.
With bonus pako salad! [April 2014 Costa Pacifica Baler]
I'm also so glad that I'm rediscovering friends' capacities as well, in terms of our professional and personal dealings. Also glad to stumble upon new workmates. Yes, I'm in such a good place now that I keep thanking the universe for clearing the skies there for me when I thought I'd have to deal with rainclouds for a long time. Yes, it's good. It's all good.
Vast is the sky, beks. Ako na vast. Basta! [April 2014 Baler]
I hope you all are, too. More stories to come. In the meantime, hop on over to our refurbished POC Pinoy LGBT channel for more kuwentos. My Relationship 2.0 series is well on its way and I have three articles up, narrating the love I finally deserve plus the queer societal reboot that we seem to be having. Plus we're starting a new subsection called LGBT Erotica and I'm starting a column under that called "Kalibugan ng Kuwan" hihihi. Read my first article "Paano nga ba makipag-sex sa kapwa babae?" here.
Or maki-miron na lang sa @leaflens Twitter ko for more daily musings and kulitan. Visual version also available at my @leaflens Instagram account which I am also populating daily. Yes, I have to survive and I like making marks, so those are those.
Okay break time's over. Have a good one, folks. Over and out -- and proud!
Life is short. Dive! [April 2014 Ermita Hill Baler]
31 December 2013
don't dream hope's over
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup?
Obviously I'm soundtripping again as I type this. Waiting for the new year to commence in a few hours, and I can't fucking wait to leave 2013 already!!! If you've been following this space closely, you'll know why. And if you know me, yeah you'll probably know why na rin naman.
Just thought of stopping by here and doing some sort of yearly summary like what I've always done before in this space, and in my offline journals as well. But I think I'm getting too old for such recaps. Or maybe sentimental, I don't know. That's why I've limited my recaps to bite-size chunks instead. Besides, sometimes there are times when you just have to stop, park your thoughts for a while, stop typing, stop snapping pictures, just breathe and let the bad vibes out as you let the good atmosphere in. Things like that.
I realized that when I was in Bangkok earlier this month. There was one point where I was so excited by everything, by coming back there, by revisiting the familiar, that I wanted to snap and snap away, record each and every moment for freeze frame documentation forever. I stopped one time, inside Chatuchak Market, and just let my senses get tickled by everything, without reacting. And you know what? That felt good. So good.
So yes, sometimes we have to stop and stare. Stop and breathe. Stop and look, listen, and just feel. Stop and feel.
I guess that's what I'm doing here. Stopping and feeling. Not giving in to thoughts that are still haunting me during these last few days of the year, not giving in to emotions that are stapled together with those thoughts. Not giving in. Sometimes you have to not feel as well. Just be. Just be there.
Something like that.
Speaking of being, I was being my fabulous self again this latter half of the month. I said I might not surface for air but thanks to some lightened work load sked, I was able to. But what preoccupied me naman was something I love anyway, so the past week or so didn't feel like work anyway, because it involved cinema.
Or more accurately, MMFF. Comme ca:
I blogged about it in my pop culture blog about how I was tapped to be a juror for this year's Metro Manila Film Festival Most Gender Sensitive Film Award. And awaaaaaard talaga ang nanalo! For the record again, HINDI KO BINOTO ANG GBBT okayyyyyyy? I have my own opinions about that film at mahirap talaga kapag outvoted ka. Democracy rules kaya ayun, olats lola mo hehehe. But the gig was fun naman while it lasted, kaya of course masaya pa rin ako sa overall experience. Cinema is my first love, after all, a love affair I've been having ever since I could remember -- a love affair that will only stop when I stop breathing.
Kaya ayan, napanood ko na sila at sinipag akong mag-full on review ng mga films pero mostly for my POC gig. Here's a line-up:
My 10,000 Hours review - Dapat panoorin mo ito!!! Good good film. Fearless forecast ko ito as best picture at hahakot ng awards hehe. And I was right!
Boy Girl Bakla Tomboy: Mula kalye hanggang pelikula, may pride ka pa ba? - my kinda review of GBBT and why it didn't merit any vote from me whatsoever sa aking gender jury duty. Again, I WAS OUTVOTED! Kaya ayan, di na nga ako nagpunta ng awards night sa Meralco Theater hehe. Kebs na, kahit tinawag pala nila ang name ko to recognize us jurors pala, sabi ng nanay ko kasi napanood niya sa TV ang awards night. Eh mas masarap mag-booking kesa sa um-awards night teh panu ba 'yan hahahaha but that's another story. Chos!
Our "Little Bossing" that could: Isang pahabol na pagpapahalaga sa lesbiyana - My review of MY LITTLE BOSSINGS and why I think you should catch it just because of Aiza's lesbian character there.
Ang taunang MMFF 2013 at LGBTQ overview - Hmm mali yata ang titling ko nito, pero kebs! In here, I run down the queer characters depicted in the MMFF films, at least yung meron ha. Sareeeh wala sa Pedro Calungsod, unless! LOLZ.
Fabulous redefined anew, aney, cinematic style naman this time. Alam na!
Speaking of redefined, may pahabol pang fabulous ang ilang kaibigan sa pagtatapos ng taon. Ayaw daw nilang tapusin ang taon nang hindi naitatali sa isa't isa. Kaya ayun, from Chiangmai to QC with love ang peg at voila! Two good friends got married, queer style!
Nakakatuwa naman ang love story ng dalawang ito. Dekada nang magkakilala pero di nila inakalang magiging sila. Gulat ang lahat, pero ako, pleasant surprise ito. Wala naman kasi talagang makakapagsabi sa atin kung saan magmumula o susulpot ang pag-ibig eh. Minsan nga, tinatawag ka na, di mo pa nakikita. Minsan huni pa lang, nabibingi ka na. Minsan pinapasilip ka ng kalawakan kung ano pa ang meron diyan sa tabi-tabi. Minsan naman pinapatikim ka pero sa kalaunan, ipapasuka sa iyo kasi masama pala sa sistema mo ang timpla. Minsan, nariyan lang pala sa tabi. Minsan, biglaang darating na parang bulalakaw tapos kailangan mong mag-isip nang mabilis kung sasabay ka ba sa andar nito.
Iba-iba 'yan para sa bawat isa sa atin. Kaya wala talaga tayong karapatang maghusga ng nararating ng lovelife ng bawat tao. Unless nakakasakit na ito sa kanya, at saka ka mag-intervention. Pero until then, hayaan mo silang matuto ng kailangan nilang matutunan, at hayaan na lang natin silang maramdaman ang nais nilang maramdaman. Ganun na lang.
'Yan ang tinutukoy ko sa not dreaming that hope is not over. Hope is never lost, never gone. Anuman ang naganap sa atin sa taong ito, isa lang ang lagi nating binabaon, year in and year out: HOPE. Hope that better things will come our way, hope that there will be a spark of interest that might lead to greater things, hope that things will fall into place and everything touched by chaos will be orderly again, hope that we are still alive with our hearts beating and our brains thinking, hope that blessings will continue to fall in our universe, hope that there will be a string of tomorrows to do all the things we want to do and love doing.
Hope. Iyan ang hindi dapat nawawala sa atin. Nakatatak nga 'yan sa braso ko, eh, di ba? Kaya nananatili sa aking reminder iyan, anuman ang naganap sa taong ito. Nakahanap ako ng jowa pero hindi rin naman pala kami compatible at pinalala ito ng distansiya. Naloko ako ng isang halimaw na nagpapanggap na anghel na magmamahal sa akin pero sinaktan lang pala ako. Umalis na ako sa isang trabahong minahal ko ng lubos ng halos isang dekada dahil ayoko nang malason pa ng sistemang bulok. Iyan lang naman ang road bumps ko sa taong ito. Major major kung tutuusin, pero kinakaya pa rin naman.
Pero mas marami at mas marangya pa pala ang papalit diyan. Na ikinakagulat ko, up to this very moment, dahil walang tigil ang pagpapadala ng universe ng reinforcements sa kampo ko. As in! Kung trabaho sa trabaho lang naman, nagkaroon ako ng maraming kapalit na consultancy, na nag-ending na nga sa isa sa pinakamasayang consultancy ko sa ngayon sa Rappler. At sa pagpasok ng taon, marami pa ring nakalinya at patuloy pa rin ang ilang nasimulang consultancy ngayong taon. Kaya wala namang kaso sa larangang iyan.
Sa ibang larangan naman, nagagalak ako at laging nakaalalay sa akin ang mga bago at dating kaibigan pagdating sa pag-alo sa puso at katauhan ko. Resbak kung resbak, at nakakatuwang malamang they have my back. Suwerte ko sa larangang iyan at may safety net ako ng mga confidantes who give me sage advise. I am thankful. As for the real scores, ayan, score lang ng score hahaha. I mean I always find some person here and there to while away time, to pass the time, things like that, knowing full well na all is not lost naman in that department for me.
Maybe because of the recent experience, I am just wary and careful, especially when it comes to commitment. I'd actually like to go back to the "I don't do girlfriends" Shane shiz I had before. Well, so far, it's working! Brian Kinney mode na lang ever, for now. Maximum amount of pleasure, minimum amount of bullshit should already be tattooed on my being next. Sometimes I keep forgetting that fact. That's why I keep getting hurt. But yeah, thank goddess for my friends. I love their infinite patience and love for me. I heart them back.
So for now, we just take it easy, have some vino at queso, let the universe unravel more of what's next for me in my ever-evolving but exciting life. I can't wait to gallop in the year of the horse. I hear Pegasus coming. As I repair my wings, he lends me his. Because goodness knows I'm always meant to soar.
So let's.
May the odds be ever in all of our favors this 2014.
WORK IT!
Obviously I'm soundtripping again as I type this. Waiting for the new year to commence in a few hours, and I can't fucking wait to leave 2013 already!!! If you've been following this space closely, you'll know why. And if you know me, yeah you'll probably know why na rin naman.
Just thought of stopping by here and doing some sort of yearly summary like what I've always done before in this space, and in my offline journals as well. But I think I'm getting too old for such recaps. Or maybe sentimental, I don't know. That's why I've limited my recaps to bite-size chunks instead. Besides, sometimes there are times when you just have to stop, park your thoughts for a while, stop typing, stop snapping pictures, just breathe and let the bad vibes out as you let the good atmosphere in. Things like that.
I realized that when I was in Bangkok earlier this month. There was one point where I was so excited by everything, by coming back there, by revisiting the familiar, that I wanted to snap and snap away, record each and every moment for freeze frame documentation forever. I stopped one time, inside Chatuchak Market, and just let my senses get tickled by everything, without reacting. And you know what? That felt good. So good.
Overload of the senses that is Chatuchak Market.
Source of my cleansing ritual props today.
This was where I realized it: just stop and
indulge the senses. Stop documenting! So I did.
After the bite.
Mindfulness really grounds me. One at a time, as Buddhism taught me
decades ago. "When you eat, just eat. When you walk, just walk."
Still true after all these years. And this is why it's very meaningful
for me as well to be guided like this in my travel there.
I am bringing this feeling here with me, in Manila,
and wherever I may go next in life.
So yes, sometimes we have to stop and stare. Stop and breathe. Stop and look, listen, and just feel. Stop and feel.
I guess that's what I'm doing here. Stopping and feeling. Not giving in to thoughts that are still haunting me during these last few days of the year, not giving in to emotions that are stapled together with those thoughts. Not giving in. Sometimes you have to not feel as well. Just be. Just be there.
Something like that.
*
Speaking of being, I was being my fabulous self again this latter half of the month. I said I might not surface for air but thanks to some lightened work load sked, I was able to. But what preoccupied me naman was something I love anyway, so the past week or so didn't feel like work anyway, because it involved cinema.
Or more accurately, MMFF. Comme ca:
Photo op-ping in between screenings, here with other
MMFF peeps and jurors and Miss Universe runner-up
title holder Ariella...Arianna...shyet ano na nga ngalan niya?
Lagi ko nalilimutan! Tatlong araw kami magkasama
pero lagi ko nalilimutan. Kasi hanggang smile
lang ako at natotorpe akong kausapin siya
hahahaha lekat sa #dykewoes itey.
I blogged about it in my pop culture blog about how I was tapped to be a juror for this year's Metro Manila Film Festival Most Gender Sensitive Film Award. And awaaaaaard talaga ang nanalo! For the record again, HINDI KO BINOTO ANG GBBT okayyyyyyy? I have my own opinions about that film at mahirap talaga kapag outvoted ka. Democracy rules kaya ayun, olats lola mo hehehe. But the gig was fun naman while it lasted, kaya of course masaya pa rin ako sa overall experience. Cinema is my first love, after all, a love affair I've been having ever since I could remember -- a love affair that will only stop when I stop breathing.
Kilroy was there. Ebidensiya.
Akala ko wala akong kakilala sa jurors, 'yun pala
andun si Sigrid, direktor ng ANG HULING CHA-CHA NI ANITA.
First 2 days suffer kami sa super-cold office sa QC GAD
ni Ms. Ruby. Kaya kelangang magkulitan selfie after the screenings
-- dahil malayo rin ang yosihan to cope hahaha.
We screened the indie category here.
The gender jury after the deliberations right after the
3-day screening sa Podium naman. Ayaw talaga bumigay
ni Direk William Mayo sa vote naming KIMMY DORA hahaha
kaya sa GBBT sila pumanig. My tie-breaker didn't push through,
but I knew it wouldn't. Hope against hope lang naman 'yun.
Basta, kuwento ko sa 'yo 'pag nag-inuman tayo hehe.
Kaya ayan, napanood ko na sila at sinipag akong mag-full on review ng mga films pero mostly for my POC gig. Here's a line-up:
My 10,000 Hours review - Dapat panoorin mo ito!!! Good good film. Fearless forecast ko ito as best picture at hahakot ng awards hehe. And I was right!
Boy Girl Bakla Tomboy: Mula kalye hanggang pelikula, may pride ka pa ba? - my kinda review of GBBT and why it didn't merit any vote from me whatsoever sa aking gender jury duty. Again, I WAS OUTVOTED! Kaya ayan, di na nga ako nagpunta ng awards night sa Meralco Theater hehe. Kebs na, kahit tinawag pala nila ang name ko to recognize us jurors pala, sabi ng nanay ko kasi napanood niya sa TV ang awards night. Eh mas masarap mag-booking kesa sa um-awards night teh panu ba 'yan hahahaha but that's another story. Chos!
Our "Little Bossing" that could: Isang pahabol na pagpapahalaga sa lesbiyana - My review of MY LITTLE BOSSINGS and why I think you should catch it just because of Aiza's lesbian character there.
Ang taunang MMFF 2013 at LGBTQ overview - Hmm mali yata ang titling ko nito, pero kebs! In here, I run down the queer characters depicted in the MMFF films, at least yung meron ha. Sareeeh wala sa Pedro Calungsod, unless! LOLZ.
Fabulous redefined anew, aney, cinematic style naman this time. Alam na!
*
Speaking of redefined, may pahabol pang fabulous ang ilang kaibigan sa pagtatapos ng taon. Ayaw daw nilang tapusin ang taon nang hindi naitatali sa isa't isa. Kaya ayun, from Chiangmai to QC with love ang peg at voila! Two good friends got married, queer style!
Newlyweds Bing and Marion with Bing's tita and mommy,
JJ and me in the multitasking ceremony.
Nakakatuwa naman ang love story ng dalawang ito. Dekada nang magkakilala pero di nila inakalang magiging sila. Gulat ang lahat, pero ako, pleasant surprise ito. Wala naman kasi talagang makakapagsabi sa atin kung saan magmumula o susulpot ang pag-ibig eh. Minsan nga, tinatawag ka na, di mo pa nakikita. Minsan huni pa lang, nabibingi ka na. Minsan pinapasilip ka ng kalawakan kung ano pa ang meron diyan sa tabi-tabi. Minsan naman pinapatikim ka pero sa kalaunan, ipapasuka sa iyo kasi masama pala sa sistema mo ang timpla. Minsan, nariyan lang pala sa tabi. Minsan, biglaang darating na parang bulalakaw tapos kailangan mong mag-isip nang mabilis kung sasabay ka ba sa andar nito.
Fun times with old friends. With the addition of Lorna
the ever-critic at the reception hahaha.
I so miss hanging out with like-minded fun queer peeps.
And everybody liked my "new" style hehe.
Cuteness overload daw aney? Pak na pak.
Iba-iba 'yan para sa bawat isa sa atin. Kaya wala talaga tayong karapatang maghusga ng nararating ng lovelife ng bawat tao. Unless nakakasakit na ito sa kanya, at saka ka mag-intervention. Pero until then, hayaan mo silang matuto ng kailangan nilang matutunan, at hayaan na lang natin silang maramdaman ang nais nilang maramdaman. Ganun na lang.
'Yan ang tinutukoy ko sa not dreaming that hope is not over. Hope is never lost, never gone. Anuman ang naganap sa atin sa taong ito, isa lang ang lagi nating binabaon, year in and year out: HOPE. Hope that better things will come our way, hope that there will be a spark of interest that might lead to greater things, hope that things will fall into place and everything touched by chaos will be orderly again, hope that we are still alive with our hearts beating and our brains thinking, hope that blessings will continue to fall in our universe, hope that there will be a string of tomorrows to do all the things we want to do and love doing.
Hope. Iyan ang hindi dapat nawawala sa atin. Nakatatak nga 'yan sa braso ko, eh, di ba? Kaya nananatili sa aking reminder iyan, anuman ang naganap sa taong ito. Nakahanap ako ng jowa pero hindi rin naman pala kami compatible at pinalala ito ng distansiya. Naloko ako ng isang halimaw na nagpapanggap na anghel na magmamahal sa akin pero sinaktan lang pala ako. Umalis na ako sa isang trabahong minahal ko ng lubos ng halos isang dekada dahil ayoko nang malason pa ng sistemang bulok. Iyan lang naman ang road bumps ko sa taong ito. Major major kung tutuusin, pero kinakaya pa rin naman.
Pero mas marami at mas marangya pa pala ang papalit diyan. Na ikinakagulat ko, up to this very moment, dahil walang tigil ang pagpapadala ng universe ng reinforcements sa kampo ko. As in! Kung trabaho sa trabaho lang naman, nagkaroon ako ng maraming kapalit na consultancy, na nag-ending na nga sa isa sa pinakamasayang consultancy ko sa ngayon sa Rappler. At sa pagpasok ng taon, marami pa ring nakalinya at patuloy pa rin ang ilang nasimulang consultancy ngayong taon. Kaya wala namang kaso sa larangang iyan.
Cleansing the surroundings, cleansing the soul.
What you reap, you sow. Plant kindness and compassion.
Your rewards will be ever-fruitful. I kid you not.
Sa ibang larangan naman, nagagalak ako at laging nakaalalay sa akin ang mga bago at dating kaibigan pagdating sa pag-alo sa puso at katauhan ko. Resbak kung resbak, at nakakatuwang malamang they have my back. Suwerte ko sa larangang iyan at may safety net ako ng mga confidantes who give me sage advise. I am thankful. As for the real scores, ayan, score lang ng score hahaha. I mean I always find some person here and there to while away time, to pass the time, things like that, knowing full well na all is not lost naman in that department for me.
Maybe because of the recent experience, I am just wary and careful, especially when it comes to commitment. I'd actually like to go back to the "I don't do girlfriends" Shane shiz I had before. Well, so far, it's working! Brian Kinney mode na lang ever, for now. Maximum amount of pleasure, minimum amount of bullshit should already be tattooed on my being next. Sometimes I keep forgetting that fact. That's why I keep getting hurt. But yeah, thank goddess for my friends. I love their infinite patience and love for me. I heart them back.
There will always be balance.
Keep the faith, even if resolve is sometimes thinning.
So for now, we just take it easy, have some vino at queso, let the universe unravel more of what's next for me in my ever-evolving but exciting life. I can't wait to gallop in the year of the horse. I hear Pegasus coming. As I repair my wings, he lends me his. Because goodness knows I'm always meant to soar.
So let's.
May the odds be ever in all of our favors this 2014.
WORK IT!
HAPPY NEW YEAR, YOU FABULOUS PEEPS.
KEEP IT REAL.
20 January 2013
Never never getting lost
"I can see why you have trouble finding a happy thought. So many sad memories, Peter." - Tinkerbell (Hook, 1991)
This happens all the time. All the time. I take a break from working at home by having something to eat and eating it in front of the TV, cable on, scanning channels to temporarily watch for maybe 20-30 minutes or so, then back to work. But when a good film or show comes on, then all hell breaks loose in my work sked and I find my butt nailed onto the couch and my eyes glued to the screen while my imagination takes flight with the film I'm watching.
And this is why perhaps I have this personal relationship with films, filmmaking, watching films and absorbing films. Stories affect me, as they are universal, and they have some plotlines I could identify with, storylines that make me reflect on my own life as they run parallel with the film's.
So this sleepy Sunday afternoon, as I decided to indulge in my last cup of coffee for the day while eating cheezewhiz-stuffed pandesal, I decided to stay on and watch a 1991 favorite of mine: Hook. Directed by Steven Spielberg, the story is a take-off of the premise "What if Peter Pan grew up?"
Julia Roberts' Tinkerbell character made me sit up and reflect on what I'm writing here now. Hers is that quote above the post, when she was trying to teach Peter Pan how to fly again. All it takes is one happy thought, just one, to soar through the skies. And that line of hers hit me, like KAPOW!
So many sad memories, my dear. And yet we yearn to fly. Oh, what to do? Well, you know what -- replace the old with the new.
Life is full of half-enlightenments.
Push 'til you find them whole. [January 2013]
As I enter my fourth decade of existence this year, God knows how I've accumulated so many of those sad memories in my life. But the universe knows how to balance things out. I am glad that the cosmos is still sending me meteor shower upon meteor shower of good thoughts, happy experiences, and great new people along the way, to co-exist alongside the old and still happy ones, to make me grateful that each and every painful experience is a human reminder of why it is so peaceful to smile after you have cried, a jolt to make you feel alive again when you think life has pulled the rug from underneath you. To just be, to feel good, to reflect on the not-so-good stuff, that's how to fly. That's how to recharge those happy thoughts when they seem to be in low supply. To remind yourself that you still have many happy thoughts to create with people who are equally happy to be with you to create these thoughts, these memories. That's good enough for me.
And then of course, the realization that you, as you exist, as yourself, as who you are, you are someone else's happy thought. You, your existence, your person, you. You make someone happy. You make someone smile. And by thinking of that thought, that makes me extra happy. Extra extra extra. Yeah, read all about it. It's here. It's a full circle of having a happy thought -- your happy thought is this person whose happy thought you are a part of. Now that's happy, and grand.
So really, there's no need to be sad, to be depressed, to feel the negative vibes that sometimes sticks to your skin when you pass by a glob-full of negative people and negative places. These things, they get washed away eventually, and they don't sink in. Never should. Never should.
I have so many things planned, so many things I still want to do. That's a happy thought.
I have someone who cares for me deeply, who loves me no matter the distance, the space, the circumstance. That's a happy thought.
I have a handful of people I trust who trust me back, and they have my back wherever I want to fly. That's a happy thought.
I'm excited to see where life will still take me in the next decade of my life, and I'm excited to know that the person I love wants to still join me there, in my journey -- eventually ours. That's a happy thought.
See Bayli, so many happy thoughts. Now that's your fairy dust. FLY!
And them sad memories? Well, that's what fiction writing is for, right? Go type away. NOW NA! Expunge.
Second star to the right beks, and straight on 'til morning.
Don't get lost again.
Misspelled happy thoughts.
Pushed by sugar rush, good enough to last.
[July 2012 Marikina]
13 January 2013
Grab. Jump. Be.
Kamusta namang ang pambungad na blog ng bagong taon ay tungkol sa pagkawala agad.
Wala lang, nakakalungkot at nakakabigla lang din kasi kapag may tumatambad sa iyong balitang namatay na si ganun o si ganyan. Lalo na kapag may rele sila sa buhay mo.
Nitong linggong ito lang, early this week if I remember it right, si Susanna yung dati kong bossing na Malaysian sa Isis feminist NGO ay nag-post sa FB na namatay na daw yung isang kaibigan niyang Malaysian feminist din, si Yin San, na mas bata sa kanya at medyo kabatak ko rin ng konti. Nung huli kaming nagkita ni Yin San, andito siya sa Pinas dahil gagawa siya ng docu film tungkol sa women in politics kaya tumutulong ako sa kalakaran. Pero bigla siyang nahinto kasi daw kelangan niyang umuwi dahil sa treatment. Cancer yata ito, sa breast din tulad ni Susanna before, na na-treat naman yata. Sadly, di yata naagapan kay Yin San. Kaya ayun, wala na siya.
Kaninang umaga naman, nakakuha ako ng email tungkol sa isa sa mga best profs ko sa film undergrad ko, si Ma'am Ellen, namayapa na rin. Cancer din siya, matagal na. Di na yata kinaya ng katawan ang treatment. Napasulat nga tuloy ako ng blog tungkol sa kanya sa academic blog ko. Marami ring nagkomento nang i-post ko ito sa FB. Malungkot indeed.
Goes to show that life indeed is short, folks. Kaya kung may nega man, kelangang alpasan natin ito. Tulad nung Biyernes ng gabi, nakipagkita ako at ang isang kaibigan sa isa pang kaibigan dahil heartbroken. Nakipag-break ang jowa niya sa kanya via -- wait for it -- a text message. How idiotic. Over some beers, we were able to characterize this heartbreaker naman at mabuti na-lift namin ang spirits nitong heartbroken. When we were able to piece together a bad puzzle na we said she should be glad it's done, she said "Then it truly is a happy new year." Of course. New year, new beginnings. Lagi namang dapat ganun ang peg. I hope she'll be alright na.
I'm also glad to have interacted with people that matter over the yuletide holidays who are not based here anymore. My sister from California came home and left after the first week of this month. Same with my girlfriend who works abroad. Brief but meaningful encounters naman pareho with these two women I value in my life. Couldn't be happier.
But there was also a test of my zen mode when another balikbayan came home, but I limited my interaction with her. I think some issues could remain unresolved for a peaceful coexistence na lang. That was the bottomline there. Like I said, minimize the nega na lang, for a better life. Yes, sometimes you really have to choose your battles. Choose to interact with people that make you happy na lang. If not, then kebs.
Also opening the month are good news and hopeful opportunities. Actually, bago pa man nag-wrap up ang taon last year, may mga clues na. Ang isa dun ay travel. My paper got chosen sa isang international conference in Asia kaya may travel na naman tayo in that manner this year. Sana nga maganap ito. Tapos reigniting some old feminist media involvement again na kahit wa datung, happy naman ang mga interaksyones na nagaganap. Beneficial pa rin naman ito for the soul.
Grab by the horn lang lagi beks. Saka let's see where the wind blows this time, this year. This will be a year of many changes for me. Big time. Pinaghahandaan ko na. And I actually can't wait for all of them to happen. Kaya abang-abang na lang tayo at darating din 'yan.
May bago nga pala akong tattoo. Finally, nagpa-tatt kami sabay ni mahal. Ang saya! Bonding. Ang saket! Siyempre. Pero ganda na naman nung gumaling na. At eto, nag-iisip na naman ako ng next tattoo hehe. Pareho daw kami ng design sabi niya. Now that must be love hehe. Sige isip muna ng design.
Ikaw, kamusta ang new year mo so far? Sana masaya din. Let's make the most out of it. Life is short. Ang dami pang kelangang gawin sa buhay. Let's rock and roll!
Wala lang, nakakalungkot at nakakabigla lang din kasi kapag may tumatambad sa iyong balitang namatay na si ganun o si ganyan. Lalo na kapag may rele sila sa buhay mo.
Nitong linggong ito lang, early this week if I remember it right, si Susanna yung dati kong bossing na Malaysian sa Isis feminist NGO ay nag-post sa FB na namatay na daw yung isang kaibigan niyang Malaysian feminist din, si Yin San, na mas bata sa kanya at medyo kabatak ko rin ng konti. Nung huli kaming nagkita ni Yin San, andito siya sa Pinas dahil gagawa siya ng docu film tungkol sa women in politics kaya tumutulong ako sa kalakaran. Pero bigla siyang nahinto kasi daw kelangan niyang umuwi dahil sa treatment. Cancer yata ito, sa breast din tulad ni Susanna before, na na-treat naman yata. Sadly, di yata naagapan kay Yin San. Kaya ayun, wala na siya.
Kaninang umaga naman, nakakuha ako ng email tungkol sa isa sa mga best profs ko sa film undergrad ko, si Ma'am Ellen, namayapa na rin. Cancer din siya, matagal na. Di na yata kinaya ng katawan ang treatment. Napasulat nga tuloy ako ng blog tungkol sa kanya sa academic blog ko. Marami ring nagkomento nang i-post ko ito sa FB. Malungkot indeed.
Goes to show that life indeed is short, folks. Kaya kung may nega man, kelangang alpasan natin ito. Tulad nung Biyernes ng gabi, nakipagkita ako at ang isang kaibigan sa isa pang kaibigan dahil heartbroken. Nakipag-break ang jowa niya sa kanya via -- wait for it -- a text message. How idiotic. Over some beers, we were able to characterize this heartbreaker naman at mabuti na-lift namin ang spirits nitong heartbroken. When we were able to piece together a bad puzzle na we said she should be glad it's done, she said "Then it truly is a happy new year." Of course. New year, new beginnings. Lagi namang dapat ganun ang peg. I hope she'll be alright na.
I'm also glad to have interacted with people that matter over the yuletide holidays who are not based here anymore. My sister from California came home and left after the first week of this month. Same with my girlfriend who works abroad. Brief but meaningful encounters naman pareho with these two women I value in my life. Couldn't be happier.
Hanging out with my sis and my cuz in Malate. Glad this happened.
Helped me pagpag family nega with them. The Persian food also rocked.
But there was also a test of my zen mode when another balikbayan came home, but I limited my interaction with her. I think some issues could remain unresolved for a peaceful coexistence na lang. That was the bottomline there. Like I said, minimize the nega na lang, for a better life. Yes, sometimes you really have to choose your battles. Choose to interact with people that make you happy na lang. If not, then kebs.
Also opening the month are good news and hopeful opportunities. Actually, bago pa man nag-wrap up ang taon last year, may mga clues na. Ang isa dun ay travel. My paper got chosen sa isang international conference in Asia kaya may travel na naman tayo in that manner this year. Sana nga maganap ito. Tapos reigniting some old feminist media involvement again na kahit wa datung, happy naman ang mga interaksyones na nagaganap. Beneficial pa rin naman ito for the soul.
Grab by the horn lang lagi beks. Saka let's see where the wind blows this time, this year. This will be a year of many changes for me. Big time. Pinaghahandaan ko na. And I actually can't wait for all of them to happen. Kaya abang-abang na lang tayo at darating din 'yan.
May bago nga pala akong tattoo. Finally, nagpa-tatt kami sabay ni mahal. Ang saya! Bonding. Ang saket! Siyempre. Pero ganda na naman nung gumaling na. At eto, nag-iisip na naman ako ng next tattoo hehe. Pareho daw kami ng design sabi niya. Now that must be love hehe. Sige isip muna ng design.
Ikaw, kamusta ang new year mo so far? Sana masaya din. Let's make the most out of it. Life is short. Ang dami pang kelangang gawin sa buhay. Let's rock and roll!
Here we go!
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