all this rain is making me...

Maulang linggo ito. Manaka-nakang pagsilip ng araw ang ganap, pero mas namamayani ang bugso ng ulan. Tatlong magkakasunod na bagyo ba naman ang dumaan at dumalaw sa Pilipinas eh. Kumusta naman di ba. 

Pero maulan man, may araw pa rin. Hindi naman delubyo ang ibinabagsak ng kalawakan sa atin. Minsan, may mga bagong habi na tulay na kailangan nating tawirin. O kaya'y baging na ibinabagsak sa harapan natin, inaakit tayong kumapit para makalundag tayo sa ibang parte ng lupaing puwede pa nating tahakin, at siguro'y sakupin. Iyong lugar ba na hindi ikaw ang sinasakop, kundi ikaw ang inaantabayanan para sumali sa kanilang mundo. Ikaw naman na pilit nagpapaka-ermitanyo sa iyong kuweba ay naaakit lumabas, napapaisip kung panahon na nga bang muli para pulutin ang isang parte ng buhay na tinuldukan mo na. Magandang ideya bang bubuksan mong muli ang librong ibinaba mo na sa pahinang ayaw mo nang mabasa dati? Paano kung may bagong kaalamang mapupulot sa muling pagbukas nito? 

Kay hirap, ano?

*

Na-miss kong magsulat sa Filipino.

* 

Actually, nami-miss kong magsulat sa pen and paper, sa blank pages notebook ko with my .01-02 tech pen. Sige, mamaya.

All these screens in our lives!!! I hate the digital age sometimes. Sometimes lang naman. Wifi I love you.

*

What a year, what a month, what a week. Ang daming nangyayari sa buhay kaya minsan, hindi ka maka-stop and smell the roses ang peg. Pero nakaka-pause for a break ka pa naman para makapagyakapan at makipagdaldalan. Iyan ang maganda kapag ang iyong sinisinta ay naituturing mo ring mabuting kaibigan, confidante na puwedeng humimay ng mga stupid thoughts and profound thoughts mo, over coffee or beer. Minsan kasi, may mga kausap kang masayang kausap over coffee. Minsan may mga keri na kainuman naman. Suwerte at nakatagpo ako ng partner na pareho ang peg. 

Suwerte rin at ang partner ko ay pasensiyosa sa mga inarte at shortcomings ko, dahil siya rin ay may ganun at pasensiyosa din ako sa kanya. Talagang it takes two to tango, and it helps that we're peas in a pod. Never pala talagang nag-work sa akin 'yung opposites attract na peg. O kaya ay mas loud 'yung partner ko kesa sa akin, o ako ang mas loud kesa sa kanya. I think I've tried all of these, at ang pinaka-patok na formula pala ay 'yung pareho lang kayo ng timpla at ng temperament. Ito 'yung tipong if you want to have your solitude moment, gets niya. Gets ko rin ito sa kanya kasi may ganyan din siya. Tapos we can actually be "alone together" if ever there is such a concept. 'Yung tipong tahimik lang ako sa isang tabi at tahimik lang siya sa isang tabi, pero nasa isang espasyo kami. Kung di pa uso ang "alone together" then I guess we're inventing it, right now. And it's working.

Isa kasi 'yan sa mga hesitations niya sa akin when we first hooked up. Since I've lived independently and alone for years now, single man o hindi, she was scared of encroaching in my space and she was afraid of "losing herself" again in a relationship. You know how that is. Sometimes, even if your partner is not the dominant one, you tend to lose yourself in a relationship because you exist solely for it, and then you don't practice your individuality much. I think this is what other couples say as "the we we we" thing na puro we na lang at wala nang "you and I" or something like that. Pero I feel lucky now kasi we have both: we have our "we" moments and we also have the "you and I" moments. Nakakatawa nga kasi in the beginning, we were both afraid of "feeling clingy" and we were trying to self-check whether we were already like that. Nakakatawa kasi pareho kaming naging clingy to a certain extent and then we both backed off and analyzed it, and made it work na lang na hindi na garden variety clingy ang peg kundi our own version of "we time" hehe. Yes, believe me, it works. I don't know how, I still have no clear-cut guideline, but hey, it really works. The "we time" and the "me time" exists in one relationship. Mantakin mo nga naman.

Hay, the things you think about when it's raining. 

I guess mine is just clear: that I am in love with this woman, after 17 months from the first time I really met her, after 14.5 months of being a couple. Ours is not a perfect relationship (for one, pareho kaming poorita kalaw ledesma hahaha but hey we manage), but our bond is genuine -- and we make it work, regardless of several shortcomings. No pretense, no hidden agenda, no secret feelings, just all out and all open. We can even process past hurts together, and talk about possible incoming hurts and dissipate them before they even take shape. Man, kung sa mga dating relasyon, giyera patani na agad ang ganung mga budding possible conflicts, dito hindi. Ganun ang reaction din niya, kung sa mga dating relasyon niya eh away na daw agad ito. Pero sa amin, we talk about issues in an emotional way, but calm pa rin. And what she said stuck to me: na kung ganun namin i-deal ang possible conflicts (in a zen-ish way), then we're definitely gonna grow old together. My sentiments exactly. 

Year One celebration. (April 2015 Baguio)

I guess it pays to wait. She did. She even chose to be single for how many years just to sort things out about her. While me, I decided to just embrace singlehood since I never had any problem with being single naman anyway. Of course the usual loneliness and longing will pass by sometimes. Hindi naman puwedeng hindi dumalaw iyan. Pero manageable naman kasi siya. Up to you if magpapa-bully ka sa longing and loneliness kasi. Or maybe you just have to recalibrate your lenses and look at things differently siguro. 'Yung hindi mapagkuwari type (believe me, madaming ganun) pero 'yung kind na mapayapa ang pagtingin sa buhay at pagtanggap sa kapalaran. I can safely say na narating ko na kasi 'yun, at nakakatuwang malamang narating na rin pala niya.

Kaya eto, we're both boarding a new flight to destination unknown. Because this is the first time we're both having this kind of relationship -- na maluwag, ang zen, masaya, swak kami sa likes and dislikes (with a 5% margin of error),napapag-usapan ang conflicts, nabubura agad ang tampo mode, malambing at mapagmahal, at nagkakaintindihan sa maraming bagay na napapag-usapan -- and best of all, we're traveling light. Admittedly, we still have our own respective emotional baggage with us, na with the help of each other, we're slowly pushing off the counter, one by one. I don't think we will be meaty characters if we didn't have issues and struggles to begin with, but we're also human to know when we need to ask for help or admit defeat. 

Yeah, 17 months, and we can still talk like the way we did when we first met. Our supposed business meeting turned into a 5-hour friendly chikahan over coffee and cigs. Nakakatuwang kausap ang taong marami kang ka-share din sa venn diagram of your life -- peyups, masscomm grad, batang 90s etc. -- at nakakatuwa ring pakinggan ang mga unshaded unshared parts ng respective diagrams ninyo. I mean fotangenah, the fact na alam niya kung ano ang venn diagram says a lot! Hahaha sensya niya at talagang ang lola mo, kung anu-ano kasi ang pinatulan sa past! Kaya minsan, napapahirit nga kami ng ganyan, like: 

Her: Kelangan ko na uminom ng vitamin b complex para mas ganahan ang brain ko, or so I believe. Panacea lang ba ang peg.

Me: Gosh, I love it that I am with someone who uses the term panacea! Hahaha!

'Yan, ganyan, dami naming moments na ganyan, 'yung "I love it that I am with someone who understands/knows _____." Believe me, ang sarap ng feeling ng ganitong level of sharing. Or at least for me. And her. Kaya we know we work. And we know we will work, now and in the future. 

The fact that we both liked Mule pala in the '90s 

was like a huge bonding moment hahaha. 

Mag-jowang manginginom ang peg pare. 

(June 2015 abode)

*

Dami talagang naiisip kapag nakapagkape na ano? Super. Lalo na't bumalik na naman ang aking favorite coffee partner: si choco malt.

*

Tapos nung isang araw, my sister shared this on FB:

Which resonated with me. Because that was how I felt with her, my sweetheart, in the beginning. And hey, look how it paid off naman now.

Kaya another thing I'm mulling over lately is this decision to go back to a life I already left: the academe.

I guess it's not that easy to shake off a heartbreak especially when you're in a long-term relationship. Teaching in my alma mater for 8 years is the longest relationship I've kept in my life. And for them to fuck me over was just foul. I don't want to go into the nitty gritty details here, but the bottomline is this: Sometimes it's braver to just walk away. I've already done my serbisyong publiko enough in that stint, got awards and accolades to boot, but if colleagues are so insecure of me that they prefer to oust me, then so be it. Maybe being there is not really for me. Maybe I have better places to go to, better institutions where I could perform better, institutions that will nurture me instead of lead me to decay. 

This is what I'm talking about up there, actually, ruminating in Filipino. I've been invited to teach in a new college kasi...and I just accepted. Well, working on it. But it's 90% good to go, because they want me and they need me. Sure, another department in my alma mater also made ligaw to me like that. Kaya lang, nadismaya din ako doon in the end kasi they were still trying to play safe at hininto ang panliligaw sa akin nung tingin nila ay madi-displease ang powers that be na hate na hate ang magnanimity ko. Nakaka-disappoint lang siguro na sisiraan ka nila gayong wala ka namang ginagawang harm sa kanila. Minsan, nakakapagod ding lumaban, kahit nasimulan mo na. My dad even told me na by quitting, nagpapatalo ako sa kanila. Siyempre I don't believe that. Because I don't believe I quit; I just moved on, c'est tout. And that's all there is to that.

So yes, this new college, I guess I could say it. Miriam College. Department of Communications called me up, where a friend and colleague I met in the UNESCO Bangkok conference I attended two years ago invited me to teach. Forced actually hahaha kasi nga she knows the peyups narrative at di ko pa feel mag-teach ulit then. Mainit-init at greaseless pa ito nung year na nag-meet kami sa BKK kaya naikuwento ko sa kanila. It pays to network talaga in this life (story of my life) kaya ayan, new opportunities open. 

I just did a teaching demo sa kanila earlier this week and patok na patok naman sa kanila. They're excited to have me, actually, and I feel happy about that. Ang simple lang, pero ang saya. And yeah, I think this will be a good decision for me, sabi nga din ng sweetheart ko. Basta lang daw walang patulan sa mga possible hitad na baka magka-crush sa akin hahaha kaloka at may ganung factor. Love this woman to bits.

*

This past couple of months na nanahimik ako sa social media life are months na binalikan ko ulit ang isa pang old flame: filmmaking. 

Sino'ng butch? Astig si direk mode 

while fellow sapphic prod team member shoots. 

Pink peso at work here, and 

feminist filmmaking to boot. Lavet. 

(May 2015 Mandaluyong) 

My sweetheart engaged me to help their office realize a short film they want to show sa kanilang office anniversary event. So of course I helped. Kakatuwa ring bumalik sa buhay na ito from time to time. At dito ko din napatunayang my sweetheart and I could work together well, at walang pikunan in the middle of stressful situations. And most of all, hindi inuuwi ang pagod at stress sa bahay at naipapagpag namin ito para hindi sumama sa amin. 

Small rakets that count: showing day of the short film. 

I'm happier to help with my filmmaking skills in this manner, 

actually. While I enjoy mainstream efforts, I never really pursue it 

until it pursues me. I'm good with what life offers 

and I'm good with the offers I take on as well. 

(June 2015 EDSA Shangri-la)

Ang saya lang, to be with someone na magaan ang loob katrabaho, tapos jowa mo pa. The hardest part there is 'yung pagpipigil namin to show affection towards each other sa harap ng officemates niya hahaha. Heraf! Eh ma-hug at ma-kiss pa naman kami especially during moments when we need it (to deflect stress and negativities baga).

Pitik mode came back din when I photo-covered the event. 

Will work for food ang peg, basta si sweetheart ang kasama. 

Na-miss ko rin namang hagurin si Nona-cam ko. 

(June 2015 EDSA Shangri-la)

I guess this is why I can say I'm totally zen about this. Because the major parts of my life are working well right now. And working in sync pa. Harmoniously. Sarap lang teh. Sarap lang. Now I can focus on the "smaller" parts I've been neglecting for some time now, mainly fiction writing, or personal creative writing. Na sinisimulan ko na pramis!!! Hahaha baka singilin na naman ako ng aking guardian devangels diyan kasi tagal ko nang pangako ito hahaha. In fact, I set up a wattpad account for it to get me started again. Eto o, read muna previous material while I'm setting up the new ones k.

At ang isa ko ring kabatuhan sa larangang ito ay ang aking sweetheart. Editor ko na, content ka-chikahan ko rin. Hay, oo na, sorry at syrupy na talaga ito. When you speak the truth kasi sometimes, it just...resonates. I guess.

I don't know. I guess I've never been this happy yet in my life, kaya gusto ko lang i-share. Baka kasi may mapulot kayo. At hindi ako nang-iinggit ha. Pramis.

Heniweys hemingway, sige back to work muna akesh at mahaba na ang ruminations na itey. 

Be well, folks.

And be proud. Always. 

i hate it when a good writer dies

john hughes RIP
photo from the examiner.com

hindi pa nga ako nakaka-recover much from michael jackson's death--and then yung kay tita cory pa and all--heto na naman ang isang icon ng aking henerasyon na na-chugi kanina. at masama ang loob ko kasi scriptwriter din siyang tulad ko.

get to know john hughes in this new york times obit. nasa IMDB rin siya.

sino ba siya? if you are a cineaste, at least a true and unpretentious one, then you should know his films and the star that carried most of them, si molly ringwald.

SIXTEEN CANDLES was about a girl's 16 year birthday overshadowed by her elder sister's wedding preps. THE BREAKFAST CLUB was the quintessential brat pack "what if" movie (like what if you put diff stereotypes of high school peeps in one afternoon of detention) that really highlighted my generation. these films he directed, if i'm not mistaken, at least the breakfast club. but mostly, he wrote them. sample of others he wrote but not directed is the HOME ALONE series that made macaulay culkin a household name and another favorite, FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF which starred a very young and dapper matthew broderick, pre-sarah jessica days. hm teka siya rin ata direk nun...

and then there was my favorite SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL..

ah, watts...

seeing watts, played by mary stuart masterson, practice playing the drums in the opening sequence of this movie just got to me, solid at swak, and solidified my then burgeoning interest to learn how to play the drums (and i did, because the guitar doesn't love me). it helps ba na tombash-looking ang lola mary stuart ditey? yun ang archetype na gusto ngang i-achieve ng pelikulang ito, na the popular girly-girl doesn't get the boy in the end but the tomboy-looking one does. hehehe. kaloka. although secretly, i never knew then why parang mas excited ako kapag may screen time ang girly-girl na si amanda jones (lea thompson) at si watts hehe. but that's just me. :)

hindi na niya kailangang maging carlo j caparas level in the sense na napakaraming ginawang films pero sabi nga dito ni sir bien, hindi "important" hehehe pero it's the quality that counts. hughes has a clear-cut quality sa mga pelikula niya, dahil parang kakaibang teen flicks lang ang ginawa niya na tumatak sa pop culture forever. teen, but not bopper type, at walang weird music pero sobrang wapak ang mga soundtrack ng mga films niya. at ang gusto ko doon, buo ang characters. tight ang plot. walang loopholes. at nakakatawa na nakaka-touch na nakaka-relate ka kung kaedadan mo ang mga bida sa mga kuwento niya. e yun ako e, kaedad, kaya relate. ayan, naging drummer tomboy tuloy hahahaha!

hindi na siya ganoon ka-active sa showbiz nung late 90s til the time of his death, sa indie scene siya nagsulat mostly. i can understand why. scriptwriters are granted only with such an amount of patience for stoooopid people sa industriya, kaya feel ko kung nadismaya siya. (at wala, walang pinaghuhugutan ito, wala, wala! hehehe)

so to end this short tribute, repost ko yung blog entry go years ago sa isang weird start-up site named i.ph kung saan ako nag-try mag-blog din:

the breakfast club

June 26, 2005

a habit of mine when i’m alone in the house is to fall asleep with the tv on. i set the timer so that the tv will turn itself off in about an hour or hour and a half; enough time for me to sleep. when i’m alone, i don’t like to lie in bed surrounded by silence. i don’t know why; just a quirk, i guess. usually, i turn the set on mtv to get updated by the latest visuals and music as well.

last night, the yearly MTV MOVIE AWARDS was on. it showed a portion where they honored the cast of the film THE BREAKFAST CLUB. my thirtysomething generation surely remembers this film: a bunch of high school students with different personalities locked in detention for one day. marami nang ganitong film dati, hanggang ngayon. in fact, as a scriptwriter, ang dali ng ganitong story set-up ng drama.

i just can’t believe that was 20 years ago as molly ringwald said. siguro kung yung generation ngayon merong angelina jolie at sandra bullock, noong panahon ko, si molly ringwald ang reyna, kasunod lang niya si julia roberts. teen angst and all. sa kanya ka relate. thanks to the films of john hughes, buhay ang teen angst ng dekada ‘80.

so if that was 20 years ago, i was 12 then. that was a crucial period for us filipinos. i was 12 when the first edsa people power revolution happened. my lolo and family were all for marcos so we were draped in red and blue. our neighbors were in yellow. never really knew what that meant but it was okay then.

betamax pa ang mode of viewing films noon in video. i can’t remember if i saw this film on the big screen or in betamax. basta the thing is, napanood ko siya. and young as i was, naka-relate ako sa ilang angst ng mga tao sa pelikulang iyon.

i can’t recall much of what happened in the film. but i remember some of the emotions. i guess that’s what makes it important.

a film buff at heart

before i go to work today, i decided to spend some time here at cordi coffee riverbanks with their free wifi, also to consult with a student.

now that i'm alone with my thoughts again, happy. and i am so geeking out on this link that my friend indi gave me at facebook. a hollywood project where sikat celebs recreate still photos of hitchcock's movies. panalo!!!!!!!!!!!!!


here's jodie foster my love recreating tippi hedren in THE BIRDS.



and here's the original THE BIRDS still of the movie with tippi hedren.



get the picture?

shiyet ang gandang project nito!

renee zellweger recreating kim novak in VERTIGO.
talaga lang ha, zellweger! big shoes to fill!
kim novak yan noh!

i am such a *huge* hitchcock fan. i think he's one of the best directors in the history of cinema. i loved the way he dedicated his life to the craft by looking at how the form (technicals) would complement the story (through characterization and narrative development). and i loved how he improvised ways on how to film things, discovered ways on how to shoot scenes. kung kelangang baklasin ang wall, baklasin ang wall para makapasok ang dolly in/out ng camera! ganung level! siya ang isang tunay na matatawag na "film artist."

here's scarlet johannsen (sp?) and javier bardem
recreating grace kelly and james stewart
in my favorite hitchcockian film of all time --
REAR WINDOW. more than psycho,
i think this is hitchcock doing his finest.

and i can tell you where he appeared (cameo) in his films. well, at least 70 percent of his films, yung naaalala ko at napanood ko heheh. hinanap ko talaga siya ati! may checklist ako nito. geek!!!!

my kras keira knightley and a dark favorite
jennifer jason leigh recreating joan fontaine and
judith anderson in REBECCA.
lesbian subtext anyone? hehe.
yes may ganun ang film na toh.

my kabit charlize theron recreating DIAL M FOR MURDER.
na, if i remember it right, ni-remake at iba na
ang title dati starring a young gwyneth paltrow and
an old michael douglas. the title escapes me now...

emile hirsch and james mcavoy recreating
farley granger and robert walker in
another favorite, STRANGERS ON A TRAIN.
queer subext anyone? yes, this film reeks
of that, too. hm, maybe i should do a
queering hitcock paper? pero alam ko
nagawa na yun dati...

oh-em-gee gusto kong maging kalendaryo itoh!!!!!!!! for life!

hmp sige na nga, here's PSYCHO, with LA VIE EN ROSE's
marion cotillard recreating jamie lee curtis' nanay janet leigh
who was immortalized in the most famous shower scene in history.

check the link. marami pa hehe. :)

o sya,trabaho muna!

things that make you go hmmmmm...should i?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

utang na loob...

ayoko nang makakita pang muli ng yet another filipino film about poootangenang poverty in the philippines, with talamak na philosophical fellini-esque commentary about the "deviants"/outcasts of society in manila.

yoko nah!

huwag koya, hindi pa huli ang lahaaaattt!

oo, alam kong kelangan itong harapin pero uuuuutang na loob, marami pang aspeto ng pagiging pilipino at aspeto ng pilipinas ang puwede nating isapelikula.

PUWEDEH?????????????????????

at critically acclaimed ang mga itoh. minsan i wanna ask myself...

HUWAY????????

one word. serbis.

discuss. [yes, yes, joel, tama ka. hay...]

and no, no amount of jessiza zafra reviews will make me like this film. kahit i-justify pa niya. sige. kanya-kanyang chever.

hay...

tapos yung napanood ko kanina...

i heart mario o'hara but...babae sa breakwater... aaaaaaaaaaahhhh.

gusto ko malunod.

kuwento, kuwento, my kingdom for a kuwento(ng matino).

and no, don't give me that magical realism crapolah! potah.

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

don't mind me, my brain is constipated.

do you drugs?

kaya pala. this is what filipinos abroad feel whenever they attend film festivals in the country where they're at, at makakapanood ng pelikulang pinoy from the islands. syempre pinoy pride first, tuwang-tuwa...until the see the poverty chenes. na naman. for the umpteenth time. major export na nga natin lately ang poverty-stricken film subgenre. kaya the pinoy expats shy away from the fests na daw lately because of this.

and i feel for them. now. especially after a fellow scriptwriter imposed on me to make my middle class-upper middle class yuppie pretty femme lesbian characters into tumutoma sa kanto ng v.luna butch lesbian types na nakatira sa rundown apartments at malaki ang sociological background (read: poverty) issues.

puke.

puwede bah. hindi kita ka-subgenre!

my goddess, bigla kong na-miss ang mga tunay na guro ng pelikula, si sir hammy sotto. sir, wala kang kupas. wherever you are. hay...

why are the rotten ones the ones that are still alive????????????????

dites moi.

bakit ang mahal magpunta sa tagaytay?

some thoughts lang before i sleep.

i got some email replies today about tariff chorvas sa iba't ibang places sa tagaytay. akala ko naman mas mura ng di hamak dahil ito ang iniisip kong alternative sa baguio trip sana. huwag ka. sky high. mas mainam pa atang mag-baguio na lang ang byuti ko. sobra lang!

what i want is a simple single-room occupancy chorva with a view of something nice, preferably the taal chorva or whatnot doon. eh ang mahal potah. yung mura, wala namang view. hay. hirap.

may alam ka ba? pachika nga. kainis...

hmp. baka baguio rin kalabasan ko nito if ever. arrrrr.

gusto ko na magsulaaaaaaaaat!

*

just came from a shoot today. buti na lang pala at na-move ang editing for the upcentennial chorva to tomorrow. kung hindi, libay lupaypay ang drama ko ngayon. lurlur to the max, mega-lotlot itey. hay. pero tiredness pa rin. the shoot involved moving vehicles kasi, notably motorcycles (yes, dalawa sila) and a van. heraf. pero excited din ako makita kasi we have a new sfx guy on board, and i like the way he works. okay naman. ma-discuss ang lolo. i like that. e dapat lang naman e!

*

lesson learned din: don't party in malate with lgbt peeps the night before a shoot hehe. leaves you with a few hours of sleep lang. owenu! fun fun fun lang sa bed kagabi e. i miss club dancing like that. been ages! well, weeks actually ehehehe.

launch ng invoice magazine kahapon. tumambling lang ang predominantly gay crowd when the lezpinay dancers came out and, er, did their thang. hahaha! funny ito! nalibugan ata ang mga bakla sa sayaw na pangbyaning. hehehe char.

hay... so many gay guys, so few of us... lagi naman e. as my former isis boss once said, napakaliit ng letter L sa lgbt sa events na ganito. well... sayang. kung may third dimension pa ngayon, hane? ang sasaya lang ng mga araw na yon...

oh well...

but i had fun last night. was with friends, and that's what matters. happy kami. dance dance. yebah! sa susunod ulit. next stop: government!

o yung mga nais sumama diyan ha, maghanda na kayo hehehe. choz. pride season is on its way na, kaya dadami na naman ang ganitong mga chevers.

it's yay to be gay!

bakit bawal ang mani sa shoot?

konting aside lang sa trabaho today.

got this in my academic work email today. natawa ako hahaha. merits reposting.

-----------------------------
Dear Ma'am Libay:

I am _____, a sophomore Broadcast Communication major. As a requirement for Broadcast Communication 100 (Introduction to Broadcasting) under Prof. ____, my groupmates and I are currently doing a study which aims to find the etymology and rationale behind the media practice of the prohibition of eating peanuts during production.

In line with this, we would li ke to interview you regarding this tradition. We have learned from some of your Film 112 students that you are implementing this practice. Any knowledge that you can share with us regarding this would help a lot in our study.

Thank you very much, and we look forward to your favorable response.
-------------------------------


hm, bakit nga ba?

i never told my class that i am implementing this practice. pag naalala ko lang, saka ako nagre-react. hindi siya rule pero ayoko ring labagin kumbaga. mahirap na no. minsan, kakambal ng production ang murphy's law.

huwag. na. huwag.

nadatnan ko na ang praktis na ito sa shooting ng pelikula noon pa. 13 years old pa lang ako, tumatambay na ako sa rpn9/ch13 studios diyan sa lampas sa balara malapit sa peyups, at narinig ko iyan dati sa set ng soap operang tinatambayan ko dun. pero siyempre di naman tumatak sa akin ito.

fast forward to 1994. sa set ng isang music video shoot kung saan intern ako. nabanggit din ito ng ibang crew na kasabay kong pumapaypay ng uling na may baby oil (for lowtech fog machine fx). wala lang.

kahit mula 1992-1995 na nag-aaral na ako ng film and audiovisual communication sa peyups (matapos layasan ang fine arts), naririnig ko na ito sa mga kasamahan kong kaklase sa shoot-shoot namin. isa sa laging sinasabi, bawal magdala ng mani sa shoot. any junk food except for that. wala lang.

hanggang sa magtrabaho na ako sa pelikula, sa premiere productions, noong 1996. narinig ko na naman yan, lalo na sa set ng shinu-shoot naming pelikula ni cesar montano na si joel lamangan ang direktor. at pati sa iba pang set ng pelikulang shinu-shoot namin na hulma ng kung sinu-sinong direktor, narinig ko rin ito. wala lang.

ewan ko ba. sabi ni cenon, myth lang daw ito na pinauso ng isang OC na ayaw ng makalat sa set sa shoot.

bakit nga ba malas? ewan ko. kung magawan nga nila ng trace history ito, aba e gusto ko mabasa yun!

hehehe.

baka yung iba diyan, may alam o teorya. comment!

la lang.

okay back to work.

huy! ikaw din. :P

short-dipped

respite from work and escape from crazy women/crazy men at work (and there are a lot lately, i tell you) -- cine chichirya.

shorts muna. cinemalaya shorts, that is.

mabilis lang to. sobra. meryenda level.



CINEMALAYA SHORT FILMS 2008

ANDONG
d. Rommel "Milo" Tolentino

pitch: a scavenger boy, obsessed with buying a raffle ticket that could win him a tv set, does all things possible to achieve this simple yet touching goal

catch: editing needs a bit of polishing

i loved this one! never mind that non-professional actors were acting (somewhat) in this film. it appeared a bit natural nga e, parang docu style, lalo na yung nanay na nakukulitan sa anak niyang pabili ng pabili ng tv, at ng tiket para manalo ng tv sa raffle. classic! neorealism at its finest ito. siyempre natulungan ng magandang pulso for editing para lumabas ang story, at na-achieve naman. sobrang aliw ang treatment na magaan lang, walang paghuhusga, kahit na mahirap sila o ang sitwasyon, pinapakita lang as it is, unfolding lives, na walang filmmaker-from-the-upperclass-looking-down-on-filmed-subject-from-the-lowerclass mode, unlike previous cinemalaya shorts na nakita ko na sobra lang matapobre ang lenteng ginamit sa kamera. hay nakuh. pero si andong, deserve niya ang panalo niya. congrats sa inyo, nerissa!



ANG IBANG MGA PAMILYA (OTHER FAMILIES)
d. Joel P. Ruiz

pitch: sabi ng program "is about a woman who overcomes the grief of losing her adopted son"

catch: parang hindi nakita ang pitch na iyon

in UPFI, we have a subject called Film 175 Film and Literature where cross-disciplinary arts like cinema and literary works, particularly short stories and novels, are dissected and compared. siguro kelangang dumaan sa klaseng ito ang mga filmmakers kasi hinugot nila ang kuwento sa short story ni master literary storyteller jose "butch" dalisay, na if i am not mistaken, the title is "Some Families, Very Large."

hands down, sir butch is a master of the craft of the filipino short story in english, and his writings usually picture and sketch very vivid scenes and emotions that weave into thought-provoking stories. the weaving and such really works well with words on paper. sadly... this kind of weaving still has to be translated into visuals and sound. laglag lang ati. sobrang laylay ang pelikulang ito, dahil hindi niya na-achieve and sentiment na binabato ng short story. it didn't even have a life of its own, as what happens most times with film adaptations of literary works. but there's an art to it, adaptation and translation. mukhang kulang pa. hindi tumawid.



ANGAN-ANGAN (DREAMS)
d. Sheron R. Dayoc

pitch: sabi sa program "centers on a mute nine-year-old girl named Satra, whose determination to secure a good education reverberates clearly amid the strictness of her Yakan culture. The Yakan are one of the 13 Moro groups in the Philippines.
They mainly reside in Basilan, Mindanao."

catch: filmed with an audience in mind? hm.

ambivalent ako sa film na ito. it kinda appeared good to me in the beginning, kasi appreciate ko sobra ang films na nagpapakita ng iba't ibang kultura ng pagiging pilipino, hindi lang yung "modern" (read: american-influenced) culture natin ek. okay sana. pero nalabuan lang ako sa kuwento. maganda sana yung issues na ipinapasok dito, namely the right of the child to an education, and the gender roles handed down to us by tradition ek. kaya lang parang hilaw pa rin sa luto, kaya yung deliver parang di masyadong satisfying. it was also obvious that the filmmakers were in love so much with their "artsy" shots, and that usually kills the story. a film should have a balance of how a story will unfold utilizing the visuals. medyo kulang pa ito ng ganun. nag-take off siya, pero hindi lang lumipad ng husto.

hani, trabaho lang ha, walang personalan hehe :) congrats nonetheless sa inyo diyan sa zambales! make more films like these! hey, where's my tubbao? hehe :P



DIAMANTE SA LANGIT (DIAMOND IN THE SKY)
d. Vic Acedillo, Jr

pitch: sabi sa program "is about two brothers' journey to compete in a kite flying contest. But getting there takes some time. In the end, they face something unexpected and discover something more precious than winning."

catch: gano'n???? yun yun???

sa totoo lang, lost ako sa pelikulang ito. isang tumataginting na "hanubayunnnnnn" ang reaksyon ko when i watched this. may konsepto, walang kuwento. delikado. argh. for that, yun na ang review! bakit pasok to???

*tumbling*



ONLY GOD KNOWS
d. Mark V. Reyes

pitch: sabi sa program "focuses on the disturbing and gut wrenching tale about the realities of life in the sprawling metropolis of Manila."

catch: miscast ang cast sa urban poor setting

di marunong gumawa ng synopsis ang gumawa nito. it's more than that. it's about this nanay who has to face her demons and moral decisions of giving her son for adoption, out of extreme poverty, only to have that son sold to white slavery. and to a pedophile at that. harshness!

hambigaaaaat! di ba? pero effective siya. not new, typical story, sampu sampera na ang mga giving-up-or-selling-your-child-for-money chorva storylines sa philippine cinema (or asian cinema/third world cinema for that matter), pero this one, nadala ng good acting, thoughtful directing, at good-paced editing. never mind the shots. minsan may hindi kering anggulo pero sige lang. nadala ng aktres.

si angel aquino nga pala ang aktres. bothered lang ako kasi for an urban poor nanay, ang ganda ng highlights work sa hair niya, na halatang pina-parlor (sobrang shiny lang, ate). and of course her complexion, although minsan puwedeng lumusot ito na makinis ang mga nakatira sa slums ek (dahil may ganun namang mga tao talaga). o sige, half-keri. pero yung anak niya kasi, halatang slight malusog at alagang-alaga, kaya hindi believable na naghihirap sila at kelangan siyang ibenta. ayun lang naman ang beef ko. other than that, okay ang film na ito. the build-up of the anticipation, na alam mo nang gagawin niya, tapos yung pag-aagaw ng emosyon nung nanay na kineri ng akting ni angel, bet! winner ito. bigat lang, pero winner.



HULING BIKTIMA (THE LAST VICTIM)
d. Vitaliano A. Rave

pitch: sabi sa program "is a film noir style about a detective's last minutes."

catch: so ano'ng bago?

siguro ang bago e ang filmmakers ay enamored sa medium ng graphic novel, because it was obvious that they were making it appear like the visuals were straight out of graphic novels, lalo na't may pa-thank you sa isang graphic novel author sa credits na inspirasyon nila i'm sure (frank miller 'ata). kaya lang, kapag tinanggal mo ang graphic novel look and all, ano'ng matitira? walang kuwento ito, talagang gusto lang niyang magpakitang gilas na may alam sila sa cool, slick videography and editing. sadly, hindi kineri ng set, costumes (lalo na si detective na mukhang manong na naka-amerikana -- sa dark alleyways of dirty manila? wengk.) at ng boses ng detective (na hindi siya sounding detective! kulang sa bass). hm. sana lang maging mas orihinal pa ang filmmakers, meaning make this material closer to pinoy culture, para hindi siya mukhang american ripoff (which is what it is, actually). sayang ang slick equipment if it won't be put into good use.



MY PET
d. Anna G. Bigornia

pitch: sabi sa program "is a 7-minute animation about an 8-year-old girl and her relationship with her first pet, a chick, the subject of a class experiment."

catch: sana may light ang faces ng characters

other than that, keri ko ito. maganda na hindi talkie, and for an animation work, oks lagi iyon. maganda ang music, ang tema, cute ang animation work, pero bakit madilim ang fez? hm. masyado lang mahaba, feeling ko, for the kind of story it was trying to tell. sana mas pinaiklian pa para poignant, short and sweet. pero bet ko ang animation style. parang slight eastern european ang feel, pero pinoy ang textures. winner!



PANGGARIS
d. Dexter B. Cayanes

pitch: sabi sa program "is about a prostitute whose life changed when her mute sibling learned to talk, uttering only the word "panggaris."

catch: kulang sa kwento

sa totoo lang, di ko na talaga halos maalala itong short na to. i guess ganon siya tumatak (o hindi) sa akin. i just remember being unhappy in watching it. sorry alam ko hindi fair itong ganitong review pero i guess my reaction also speaks for the quality it has (or the absence of it).



TRAILS OF WATER
d. Sheron R. Dayoc

pitch: sabi sa program "is an experimental film about a young boy's emotion as seen through his make-believe story."

catch: kulang sa kuwento

di ko alam kung dahil sa huli-huli na ito at di ko masyadong keri ang kuwento, pero hindi ko na siya sobrang matandaan ang detalye. i guess ganoon din siya tumatak (o hindi) sa akin. noble and good intentions cited, at okay iyon. pero the art and craft of storytelling through film, kulang pa rin. could be improved. may promise naman e.



TUTOS (COST)
d. L.A. Yamsuan

pitch: sabi sa program "tells about the dynamics and complexities of a single father-daughter relationship in a postmodern patriarchal Filipino society."

catch: nachorva ko na ito bilang isa siya sa thesis ng nakaraang taon, at isa pa sa best thesis

the story is actually good. biases aside siyempre. i like the sensitivity of the camera handling and the editing, may pacing, at very mature ito. i also like the super subtle (call me overreading) na ang kuwento ay tungkol sa isang babae na puwedeng may leaning towards liking another babae. super subtle message, partly hidden, pero quite a bit obvious sa portrayal and acting. sinadya man o hindi, okay lang. ayun. basta. okay to. congrats, LA!

*


o sya, my break is over. discuss.

sanga-sanga sa daan

actually, it's more like baradong daan. i found myself going down the jeep ride home to walk. as in, from provident vill to the bayan area where i live. pramis. but it's just a short walk for me, kasi sanay na ko sa walks lately, thanks to my renewed workout sked sa sports center at sa gym nearby.

trapik kasi ng sobrang hinayupak. as in, nagsalubong na ang mga sasakyan. sanga-sanga na nga ang lanes. ang reason: may shoot daw sa may marikina bridge. not sure lang kung film o tv, pero sabi ng miron andun daw si robin padilla. tangna. kaya lesson here students: ayusing mabuti ang coordination with local authorities kapag may shoot, para walang cause ng traffic. dapat yata ilagay yan sa lessons ng lahat ng production classes. hay... kaninong kasalanan yang trapik? sa PM? hay...

naalala ko tuloy yung isang kwento ni...forgot...about shooting in new york. na sa sobrang sanay na ng mga tao sa film shoots sa kalye dun, all you have to do is go to the nyfilm commission's office to get permits and they will be the ones to reroute traffic lang to follow your shoot sked location at no hassle sa motorists o pedestrians. tapos yung mga tao, lakad lakad lang na dedma kahit mag-roll ka na. panalo di ba? at professional. dito, kanina, ang una atang nanonood e yung taga-trapik dapat. kainis. gusto ko ngang batukan nung dumaan ako, kasi sobrang luwag lang sa bridge paglampas sa location shoot. buset.

*

di lang daan ang sanga-sanga tonight. utak ko rin. in anticipation lang siguro sa paghahalo ng balat sa tatalupan soon. as in, talagang may tatalupan ng buhay somewhere soon... shit hits the fan ito. i can't wait to see when it happens. and of course, i'll make it happen, man. hehe. la vendetta mode ito e bakit ba. ako si jean garcia. chos.

ang warfreak ko. pero kasi, this is war. whatever form of discrimination thrown towards me, be it with a sexist or homophobic venom, kelangang labanan. the antidote of conservative attacks is knowing your rights and wielding them as shields.

basta. abangan. abangan kung sino dapat ang ipinapako sa krus. hindi dapat si kristo kasi e. let him walk, man. let him walk.

like i said, wake up and smell the centennial.

*

kakagaling ko kasi sa preview ng OROSMAN AT ZAFIRA kaya ako ginabi. slight sanga-sanga ang thoughts ko sa play cum musicale na itey. based sa classic text ni balagtas of course, kaya i love the lyricism of the lines. classic talaga magsulat ang lolo mo.

yun nga lang... ewan. gawan ko ba ng review? parang di ko trip e. di ko masyado naging bet yung direction kasi, saka yung story handling. i know the text is difficult, pero bakit si shakespeare nagagawan ng paraan, inggles man o isinalin (mostly ni rolando tinio noon)? i am lost. as in, la-lost ako sa pagsunod ng naratibo. what happened to that dramaturgy team? hm, strange.

pinanood ko lang ito dahil sa colleage namin sa upfi ang gumawa ng original music, si carol. oks naman. neo-ethnic music sabi sa pr. hm, yun na pala ang tawag dun. magaling ang ensemble sa music. reliable naman sa sangay na ito ang lola mong iyon. pero ang nag-standout sa akin dito ay yung nag-portray ng zafira. si cris villongco ba yun? yung apo nina armida ito, right? coincidence, ang tito niya ay magtuturo sa institute next sem hihihi at super happy ako na napapayag namin siyang magturo. pero secret muna itey. kunwari. charot.

grabe i like the way this girl acted out the part. as in, she sings and acts and emotes from the gut, the skin, the heart, and her energy emanates from her center, yung mula sa solar plexus baga. and she releases it and you feel it. galeng, lalo na yung may emote iyak parts chenes tapos okay din siyang mag-movement dance chenes na choreo ni dexter santos. man, she is good! super! kaya dedma na sa ibang uninspired performances, mostly ng ilang menchu sa cast, at sa weird story handling. see it if only for her. bet siya pramis grabe.

hm, mukhang madaming magagaling na actors ang lumalabas lately sa teatro a. that's good naman. kaka-miss din manood ng maraming stage performances. although parang ayoko nang manood ng isang play sa guerrero kapag preview lang. unang dress tech performance pala yun, kaya libre for peyups faculty. next time, we catch the gala or regular runs na lang. i don't mind paying for theater tickets.

last note pala sa orosman. si tuxqs ang nag-pd. i like his attack. post-apocalyptic indigenous neo-ethnic. pramis, ganyan ang feel ng costumes at pd! katsa meets mesh stockings with a lotta bamboo and walis tingting. sankapa! you gotta see it to believe it. ilao battala lights yet again. i always like his work anyway. i like what they both did to the large convex dome thingie na nagiging moon tapos nagiging sun, na movable sa backdrop. da best. gusto ko ng ganun sa bahay hehe.

*

tuwa lang ako sa class ko kanina. at least itong batch na ito ay di nawala sa landas sa pagrereport ng topic nila. unlike last sems na biglang itatanong pa sa akin in the middle of their reports "tama ba, mam?" abah, isa lang sagot ko riyan "ewan ko. dapat alam mo yan." kainis lang yung ganun minsan, tatanungin ka kung tama ang report nila. kaya nga sila pinagrereport e. para matuto naman sila sa sarili nila, at ma-share nila ang info sa peers nila.

i remember dati pa, may nag-report tungkol sa censorship at mtrcb sa isang class. kada banggit niya ng data, isusunod niya ang "um, di ko alam bat naging ganyan, basta yun na." buset. gusto kong isigaw, nag-report ka pa! tangna talagang level ng katamaran ng iba minsan. minsan iniisip ko, sayang naman pang-tuition nila. dapat ibigay nila sa mas deserving but poorer student na mas may drive matuto kesa sa kanila. ang dami kong ganitong students kasi lately e. ewan.

wake up and smell the tuition fee increase.

*

kakatuwa lang. nagsasanga muli ang daan ng mga former UP Sappho peeps. like last friday, at the lunduyan launch, nagulat ako when i saw charm, our baby dyke before sa sappho circa 1998. as in super baby. pero now, lady of the world na ang lola mo. she bloomed. i'm so happy for her. kala ko asa US siya pero she's here pala now. great to see you, charm.

another future date i'll be having is with another friend, celia, na nag-base sa KL last year. nakasalubong ko sa ym, at chika kami when she gets back here. dami daw kwento ng lola. update update ng life ulit. kia i also bumped into online, although short lang kasi patulog na ko nun.

*

may isa pa dapat akong update-an session tonight but my ka-date flaked out on me hehehe. parinig! charot. wala, chichika ko sana ang isang dear friend about some friends na nag-traydor sa amin at one point in our lives or so. kumbaga, reap the la vendetta mode ko na ito, ikukuwento ko lang sa kanya hehehe. la lang...

*

for those who think na nag-generalize ako sa inyo when i left the show, it wasn't really so. alam niyo ang common denominator nating lahat, and i'm not mad at you guys. not even remotely. so peace peace tayo, lalo na ngayon na wala na ang source of all evil sa lugar na iyan. dibala?

amen to that.

*

dami ba cryptic? ganyan talaga ang life, lalo na pag gusto mong gawing libel-free ang publication. hey, i know my ethics man, unlike some people we know out there...na kelangan pang i-validate ang existence nila by glorifying themselves in minute ways. kawawang mga nilalang...sana makapiling niyo na si lord, soon.


*

ayan na, sanga-sanga na rin ang tingin ko. sign off na.

later.

one more week...

and thunderbirds are...go! char.

kakabitin! dapat tapos na eh. di pa nangyayari. oh well...

kaya commercial muna.

finally, natapos din yung pinaghirapang tapusing pride9 video ng tfp. expect the full version in the next couple of days or so at youtube. in the meantime, check out the preliminary teaser na ginawa namin para makaabot sa team pilipinas outgames event sa bed malate last week. it's 2something minutes lang. the longer work naman is about 8something minutes, good na rin for a bunch of talking heads chever effect. had to oversee the direction of the postprod work of this one as the prod work was out of my hands. maganda naman ang kinalabasan, thanks to rovie's cool graphics work and toni's original music. yes, naging truli lesbianic production itich. sabi nga ni pau, "i love lesbians!" hehe ako rin.

lesson learned: again, never send a het girl to do a lez girl's job. char.

seriously.

hehe. >:P

naipalabas na naman nila yung longform vid sa palawan event last friday, yung erotica fundraising party, saka sa booklaunch nina danton and neil last night ng ladlad book3. people liked the vid at the booklaunch and at palawan. masaya naman. job well done for all. :)

oh my, never did i realize na may babylon in manila na pala in the form of p2! hanef! yes, babylon, as in queer as folk's babylon mga ati! para siyang ganun. grabe. kaya i felt at home hahaha. too bad my brian kinney bracelet was out of commission to re-live the chenes hehehe. pero syempre hindi naman ako wagi sa lugar na iyon dahil honorary gay man lang ako. kulang sa necessary equipment to function. keber lang. dance dance lang kami ng mga byaningskis doon ever. sarap lang.

how i wish may ganung lugar ulit kaming women loving women, parang third dimension noon or ladida. kahit sampu sampera na ang exclusives these days, iba pa rin yung may fixture na isang lugar na pupuntahan mo na alam mong lbtqi friendly siya.


anyway, less than a week na lang at magkikita-kits na tayo sa pride march. masaya ito mga ati!

in loving memory of

oh my. just saw the bad news about rene saguisag's wife passing due to a vehicular accident. that means lara's mom...is dead. oh man.

lara, if you're reading this, my deepest condolences...

geezus...

i don't think i can handle it if my own mom died. oh man. no, never. i have the right to go nuts if that happens. that's how much i love my mom, even if it's not too obvious most times. but she knows.

*

this piece of news got me thinking more of the thoughts i started thinking of back during the undas holidays.

as i made my way through the tombstones and mausoleums in cemeteries, i always see a common wording there: "in loving memory of." it was also so unfortunate that i attended the funeral of a 7-month old infant during undas, the child of my girlfriend's kabarkada. man, i tell you, there's nothing like seeing a small, small coffin like that... makes me think of life in retrospect talaga...

*

things like this always get me talking to my friends and acquaintances of our own time, should our time be up already, meaning time for wakes and mourning and all. like me, i've always said that i don't want an open casket during my wake. i don't want anybody peeking at my dead and lifeless mortician-beautified body and face during my wake. i want a closed casket, much like what journalist and cmc journ prof luis beltran had before when he died (and his favorite white cowboy hat was placed atop his closed casket). yun ang gusto ko. if people wanna see me, i'll make a video of myself talking about myself and addressing the wake audience, kinda like an avp running all throughout my wake. and then my girlfriend tells me that there's this company that already has that idea of a "package funeral service" where an avp of the deceased is thrown in. wokey, naunahan na naman ako sa ideya...pero okay lang. ang ideya ko lang naman ay sarili ko ang nagsasalita sa avp.

and then of course i don't want to be buried underground. i want to be cremated, and i want my ashes sent to NASA so a space shuttle mission could take it in space and throw out my ashes deep into outer space. and no, i am not kidding on this one. sabi ng girlfriend ko, magkakalat pa ko sa space niyan. sabi ko naman, not exactly, kasi baka ang ashes ko ang maging core ng isang future planet, nakatulong pa ako sa cosmos niyan at sa universe in whole. malay mo, maging new earth ang ashes ko, makatulong pa sa future human beings. and she agreed.

although now, i am rethinking that NASA concept. sabi kasi niya, she wants something naman daw as a marker for the loved ones she left to grieve for her, so kahit type din niyang ma-cremate like me, she prefers being in a mausoleum or something para may dadalawin ang loved ones niya, something to remember her by, a marker of her and all that. now i'm thinking of the same thing, na baka kelangan nga ng some kind of marker na puwedeng puntahan ng mga taong nais akong dalawin at alalahanin kahit isang araw lang sa isang taon. puwede na...

strange lang to put those words "in loving memory of." medyo hindi ko bet. i guess by that time, makakaisip na ko ng better wording which i will myself have inscribed in my lapida or whatnot. in loving memory...sigurado kaya yung namatay na he or she is thought of with love? e kung hate, contempt, disgust? ang labo nun di ba? kaya lang napakabait natin bilang catholic nation at by default nilalagay natin yung ganun sa mga lapida ng mga tao, kahit hindi nila deserving. e di ba nga turo sa atin ng simbahan ay mag-repent ka lang right before malagutan ka na ng hininga para ma-guarantee ka na sa heaven ka pupunta, kahit gaano pa kasama ang naging life mo sa earth.

hay... i don't believe in that one dahil naaasar ako sa repentance mode ng katolisismo, dahil by default nabubura lahat ng nagawa mo pag humingi ka ng tawad??? nakakainis. kaya i subscribe more to the hinduist concept of repaying in the next life regarding this one. meaning kung punyeta kang tae ka sa life na ito, next life mo ay putanginang ipis ka na tatapak-tapakan makailang ulit bilang retribution. at least in that belief, there is justice. and, like the buddhists, kung mag-try kang mag-meditate to achieve inner peace and a higher form of existence, mas bet. ibig sabihin, pinaghihirapan mo ang sarili mong salvation, unlike sa catholicism na hingi ka lang patawad sa diyos, walang kahirap-hirap, granted agad ang wish mo lang. hindi kabaitan ito e. spoiled bratisismo ito no. ibig sabihin, kahit makailang ulit kang magkasala, walang harm kung hihingi ka lang ng tawad sa diyos tapos ulit-ulitin mo yung kahayupan mo...where's the justice in that??? napakatamad na relihiyon talaga ng katolisismo...

but back to my query. sino ba dapat ang nasusunod, yung namatay, yung namatayan o yung mga kilala ng namatay na alam nila kung ano ang gusto ng namatay? i remember reading ms joanne maglipon's column way back when ishmael bernal died (teka, or was that lino brocka?). basta the one whose mother survived her son's death. she mentioned kasi na either ishma or lino...wait, now i remember, it was ishma, kasi the idea sounds so ishma-ish, na gusto daw niya, pag namatay siya, isuot sa kanya ang isang pink na underwater swimsuit /dive suit or something like that, basta para daw di siya magmukhang deds. tapos she and other ishma's friends were out choosing for a casket, tapos sabi nung isa "eto na lang o, kamukha nung kay lino" or something like that. basta, that column piece was so wonderful that it made me smile and sad at the same time. ms joanne narrated it so well.

before ishma died kasi, we were able to hang out with him at his old kanto bar in kalayaan called kasalo, kami ng ilan kong film major batchmates na naging housemates ko. it was just an open bar back in the mid-90s, parang bukas na pares eatery ang bar, at laging pula ang ilaw doon, na parang 70s pubhaus atmosphere. lokasyon nito doon sa kanto ng kalayaan at ng korean school na blue ngayon, pasok ka sa kalyeng iyon at nasa kanto iyon ng kalyeng iyon at ng first street parallel to kalayaan, which is maginoo yata.

bilang young film majors, nahihiya pa kaming lapitan siya minsan pag mag-isa siyang umiinom sa mesa at tulala siya o nakatingin sa kawalan na para bang nag-iisip ng bagong conflict sa film concept niya. minsan bubuyuin ko ang friends kong mas makapal ang fez at sasabihing "bilis! itanong mo na sa kanya kung ano ba talaga ang major conflict sa nunal sa tubig!" minsan naman nakaka-chika namin siya pero di lang ako sigurado kung naaalala niya kami kapag umaga, may flourescent light o daylight, bilang creatures of the night din kami tulad niya na nagha-hangout doon sa bar. mura kasi ang beer doon. siguro alam niyang taghirap at dugyot ang mga tunay na artist-filmmaker tulad namin kaya nagbukas siya ng ganung lugar para may matambayan ang mga tulad namin...at tulad niya.

kaya natuwa ako noong bumalik na ako sa peyups para magturo sa aking alma mater at makitang ang isang bahagi ng lumang film center ay binansagang "bernal gallery" in memory of him. as in, truly loving cinematic memory of him. noong una, naisip ko, bakit hindi kay lino brocka? pero sa kalaunan, naisip kong tama rin na kay ishma, dahil mas na-embody niya ang pagiging pasaway at nakiki-ride na may ere na humble na artist na filmmaker na tahimik at maingay na nagtataguyod ng mga naaapi at nasa marginalized sectors ng society, at di siya nahihiyang i-admit din ang mga kahinaan niya bilang nilalang na paminsan-minsa'y nalululong sa tawag ng laman o droga o natural high of artistry. yan ang ishmang naabutan ko. idol, sobra.

*

i have this ex naman who used to ask me na kung mamatay kaya siya, may pupunta kaya sa wake niya. hindi ko alam kung out of vanity ang tanong na ito o self-validation of one's worth, pero i guess it's both. hindi ko rin alam kung maiinis o maaawa ako sa kanya tuwing itatanong niya ito. sinabi ko na lang, sa pagkakakilala sa kanya ng mga tao, may pupunta sa wake niya, i'm sure. so na-pacify na siya ng sagot na ito.

ako, hindi ko na iniisip yan. i don't really care if people come to my wake or not. i'm just concerned if people will remember the works i did or the minute contribution i donated to this earth in whatever endeavor i am involved in. iniisip ko lang na sana may isang nilalang man lang na natulungan ako sa kanyang buhay o art sakaling mamatay ako. at sana, yung maiwan kong body of works ay makatulong din sa mga tao in a positive way. i guess yun lang ang iniiisip ko. happy na ako if i was able to affect a life in a positive way somewhere out there.

oh well. so on to life...

who wants to watch this? contact me asap

to my students (yes, i know you read this!) and my teacher colleagues (hm, i wonder who among them read this...), contact me asap if you want to watch this event. bilis. you know where to find me.

it sucks to be...here!

it sucks to be here! in hot manila, hot house, hot everywhere. well, not really hot.

wala lang. i'm starting to believe i'm built for a cool climate place, pero hindi niyebe-mode ha. i still hate winter countries. baguio-cold level is fine. hm, may UP naman din dun di ba...hmmm....

lamig kasi sa pinuntahan ko sa india that time i was there. parang baguio, chong. super. kaya sarap. sarap magsulat. sarap magbabad. sarap lang! ayan, sa sarap, nakatapos din ng nobela. bow! sabi ng ang isa kong kasama dun, expensive way to write daw yun. e wow, it works, e.

hm, reminds me, i might have to do the same thing when i write my thesis. need to be cold! as in.

magba-blog sana ko ng marami pero nawalan na ko ng gana when i found out that this free service is going to expire by the end of the year, so what's the point! maglilipat na lang ako hay.....

san ba maganda? suggest somewhere nga, yung hindi biglang mangbabawi ng free service. kainiz. maglilipat na namannnn! suckssss!

*

hay naku mga tao, bakit ba tanong kayo ng tanong kung kelan ako gagawa ng pelikula??? naaalibadbaran na ko. ganun ba talaga kataas ang demand? hehehehehehehe. chos.

nakukulitan na ko eh. cool lang. aabot din tayo diyan. di pa naman ako mamamatay bukas e, di ba? so don't rush me. charuz.

wala rin akong pakialam kung nauungusan na ko ng ibang tao kahit di sila karapat-dapat gumawa ng pelikula according to our opinionz. kayo talaga, nang-intriga pa. hayaan niyo na yung tao, e adik, e, nubah. bisyo niya yaaaaaaan!

para lang yang lechon manok phenomenon of the '80s and pearl shake drink phenomenon of the '90s. sa '00s, digital filmmaking phenomenon nyeehehehehhee. in the end, ang matitira ay yung matibay, malasa at may flavor. devah. so relaks lang, go see a movie. devah?

ako, relaks lang. may i watch a lotta movies ginawa ko sa india. sarap lang. at nag-starstruck mode kami when we saw some asian celebs like the hk director yon fan (nice sya, mej lolo na pero nice pa rin), the indian actor and now director aparna sen (starstruck kami pareho ni ellen ongkeko, fangirl mode kami, nagpapiktyur pa! hehehe), and si parinya beautiful boxer. pare, ganju sya in person. mas maganda pa siya sa mga retokadang artista dito. kaya lang afraid ako kausapin, baka i-muaythai ako e hahahahaha chos. nah, di lang siya mahusay mag-inggles kaya di ko makausap. syet umalis agad siya e kaya di kami nakapag-fangirl mode pictyurteking.

saka some familar names in the international women's movement and the academe din na nababasa ko sa mga journals and stuff. si joanna kerr, formerly ED ng AWID, andun. chong, lesbyana pala sha! at inaway-away niya intellectually yung isang gay guy na nagsabi na "why are all lesbian movies sooooo depressing???" kamukha ni pascale hehehe. pero mukhang uptight businesswoman by day na dominatrix mode pa-S&M bondage queen sa gabi, afraid, kaya di ako lumalapit sa kanya hehehe. tapos si helen hok-sze leung (ngyar, tama ba?) na film scholar chuvaness, na-meet ko. kala ko hk-based siya yun pala hk diaspora chenes pala, at taga-canada. aysus. pero bet na rin kasi i love her articles on queer cinema sa mga anthologies na nababasa ko. fun siya kasama dun pero masyado na siyang north americanized...saka the usual kawomenan chuva were there, like sina pinay cheekay sa apcwomen, saka si malay yuenmei na nakilala ko sa ap-ngo forum on beijing+5 before sa bangkok. happy naman to see familar faces there. at salamat sa roaming ni cheekay at nakitext ako nung naubusan ako ng load hehe.

hmm come to think of it, even though the focus and participants of the conference was south and southeast asia, marami ring nasa diaspora ang um-attend, at saka nakkatawa lang kasi the conf had a feeling of "my colonizer is better than your colonizer" or "my diaspora is more meaningful than your diaspora" chos. parang may ganun. kasi nga naman, india, hello, sobrang weird lang makita yung mixture ng british chuva and the ancient india chuva nila, unlike here sa pinas na...nasakop na talaga ang lahat, at wala na yatang mega-obvious bahid ng sariling atin sa kahit saan ka tumingin, maliban na lang siguro sa mga jeeps sa kalye... weird lang talaga yung feeling... kasi pag nagpunta ka sa thailand, kita mo ang thai-ness despite the modern chenes (although exception sila kasi di sila nasakop), sa hk ganun din, kita mo chinese-ness chos, saka india nga. hm... e tayo? waers te. parang walang natirang pinoy-ness sa paligid... hmm...laos tayo in that aspect.

that also showed in the multiplicity of our skin. when i was arriving, the airport people thought yata i was kinda indian kasi malalim ang eyebags ko ate! yun okay lang sakin, blend ako dun in that aspect. di lang ako nakadamit ng tulad nila. pasado na ko for an aryan indian type. tapos when i was hanging out with the beijing people, the indians thought i was also chinese! then when i hung out with a bangladeshi girl, an indian thought i was also from bangladesh! tapos may roommate akong pakistani at malaysian, at tinanong ako kung malaysian din ako, kamukha daw e. nung nagtabi kami ng vietnamese, akala rin ng isang puti dun, viet ako. nubaaaaaaah. then this old canadian lady chatted me up and thought i was thai. ngyark. e tapos nagsalita ako, hindi british english, hindi asian english, kundi call center american english. abah, lost na sila ever sa akin. tapos when i was roaming around the singapore airport mall, abah, hindi ako pinapansin ng mga pilipinong tagalog ng tagalog habang namimili ng pasalubong. parang akala nila, singaporean ako hehehe. weird. lalu na sa plane. ehehehe.

kaya ang laging tanong "where are you from, miss?" 

hm, taga-saan nga ba tayo? kaya gustong-gusto ko sa thailand e. doon kasi, mukha akong thai! pag bumibili ako sa market, tina-thai ako ng tindero, ati! pati sa mall, sa street vendors, ng taxi driver, everyone! aba, blend ang byuti ko dun!

hmm... daming naiisip pag nagta-travel ka talaga e, no? hmmm...

taga-saan nga ba tayo?

pero talaga lang, ati. di talaga ko makainom ng tea na may milk, te. sorry i'm not that colonized. as in. postcolonial mode na ako -- i moved on.

kayo, kelan kayo magmu-move on?

tarah!

*

hay...for the semana santa, dadayo muna ko sa malayo para magpahinga at maligo at mag-surf! yey. i luv my bos. may beachfront property sa la union! yey! gusto-kong-mag-swim-ming...yebah. kaya ayun. disappear mode na naman akesh. at sana...tantananannnnn bacolodddd! and iligannnnn! let's wish let's wish let's wish...

wish me luck!