to be a woman in 2018 Philippines

Lately, this opening line from Pablo Neruda's poetry echoes in my mind: 

"It so happens I am tired of being a man."

It's from a piece called "Walking Around" included in the Il Postino OST where famous people read his poetry. Samuel L. Jackson read this one. Powerful.

I echo this because, in this time and era, I share similar sentiments: 

It so happens that I am tired of being a woman. 

In a time when misogyny got an unexpected boost, in this patriarchal country where all closeted sexists suddenly outed themselves and spew vitriol after vitriol against women of all kinds, one gets bombarded by words words words from people who suddenly showed their true colors to you. I am getting tired of listening to them, reading their posts on social media, and being beside them. 

As an identifying feminist, I have been around this kind of misogyny all my life. It somehow contributed to my raison d'être, my reason for being. If only I can control it. If only I can fight it. In my own little way, I try. In anything and everything I do, I try to infuse feminism in my work. In some instances, it fails. But in most cases, it wins. 

However, little did I expect that it will take its toll on me one day. All because of one entity: the troll.

So many people now feel empowered anonymously by this information highway we call the internet. And another kind of animal is shitting all over it: the troll. I've been reading so many reports coming out of western media these days, talking about Russian troll farms that influenced American society the past two years. You know in some aspects, we're ahead of them for about a year or so, because I've already read so many reports about local troll farms since last year. Yes, we have our own.

Jim said it simply, and said it best:
"The internet is vicious!"
Indeed. I miss this show grabe.

Troll farms. Who would have predicted this kind of kalakaran today, no? I wonder what the communication theorists-psychs-social scientists would say about this. Hello, Marshall McLuhan, Stuart Hall, Stephen Covey, anyone? What do you think po? Hay naku. I don't think the inventors of the internet wanted their information superhighway to turn towards this direction. And neither did we passengers/passersby/digital motorists.

This is how I've been feeling lately: like a driver catching snags along the way, no thanks to unexpected potholes and bumps I find all over. Life's not smooth-sailing all the time anyway, but adding such potholes don't help the journey one bit -- especially if you're just doing your job along the way.

It is tiring. But I've met several advocates in Thailand last year who say the same thing -- and encouraged me to just go on. Write. Post. Think. Say. It's easier said than done sometimes, especially if you get threatened by an extended offline physical threat because of something you posted online. Yes, it has become this crazy.

Renewal: This is where I got it last year.
I was in Thailand for a lecture gig and attended
this Asia Pacific Feminist Forum by accident,
as an aside, since I was already there.
The best accidental decision I've done in years.
In this session, I was able to process many things
that have been bothering me. And I came home
renewed, and with hope again. Yes indeed,
the universe still conspires.
[September 2017 Chiang Mai, Thailand]

Look at me, extolling the virtues of social media as eliminating the traditional media gatekeepers in my lectures some 10 years ago, proudly stating to Asian neighbors in an Indonesian conference that Filipinos have a great knack at this thing called social media that we were declared the social media capital of the world 10 years ago. And 10 years hence, where are we now? Cultivating troll farms to destroy honest people and create lies. And in the middle of that, amplifying misogyny and anything anti-women. Woo-hoo progress.

How can you not be disheartened by that? We were already feeling major gains, and then we get back to a square one slump. It used to be, two steps forward and one step back. At least there's movement, no matter how slow. But today, it seems like it's one step forward and two steps back. Where are we headed if the path is this way?

I dread to answer that question right now. It's International Women's Day today, 2018. A far cry from 2008, of course, with all the technological and societal advancements. But we get a new kind of crying from all the anti-women online harassment and trolling and shit. Realizing this is indeed tiring.

So please, universe, fortify me more. FORTIFY US. In this day and age of fakery, let the genuine efforts shine. And please, deliver us from trolls. 

We women get our strengths and inspiration from fellow women.
Glad to have met one such woman who urged me to
NOT STOP WRITING. Rock on, ladies! And thanks.
[September 2017 Chiang Mai, Thailand]

jumpstart my art

And I'm quoting-paraphrasing another song there in the title. Natalie Cole, pare. Batang '80s din ako eh bakit ba.

Ayan. Handa, awit.





Heniweys, I needed to jumpstart my brain today before working, especially since I came from a semi-sick weekend. Been trying to fight off this nasty nasty cough that developed last week, during the time I had an urgent lecture gig pa naman. Fine timing, beks. Fine timing. But since the show must go on, on we went pa rin sa lectures, last week and even kahapon. Pero dahil recovering pa rin yesterday, napagod yata ang lungs ko kaya knockout ako agad kahapon. Not to mention na darating din pala today si monthly curse, kaya ayan, double KO lola mo. Leche.

Loving these travel lecture gigs courtesy of the DepEd-attached agency
called National Council for Children's TV. I love it that I get to
teach my media literacy advocacy to kids who need it.
Getting paid to do what you love is just great.
This here is for the NCR leg, Marikina chapter last week.

Ito yung biglaang sked last week, at sa Muntinlupa pa talaga.
Biglaan, as in, mam puwede ka bukas?
Hahaha kaloka, pero isa pala ito sa pinakamasayang division.
Sa traffic pauwi nawala ang boses ko, bad aircon
ng ride exacerbated the sore throat I've been
feeling days before. Kaya na-double whammy lola mo.

And yesterday's show that must go on, at the heart of Manila pa naman.
Sarap sanang maglayag doon if not for feeling sick
and the public transport strike pa.
Kaya uwi agad after lecture, pahinga fatale.

At muling nanumbalik ang magic antidote sa cough
na nadiskubre ko noong nagtatrabaho ako
fulltime sa feminist NGO noon:
 si Pei Pa Koa. Works like a charm, mga bes.
At available na siya sa Mercury yipeee!

Buti na lang at wala ulit skeds this week for lectures. But I'm bracing myself in the next 2-3 weeks kasi sunod-sunod ang peg. Kaya kelangang mag-ipon ng lakas at boses. Beat this fucking energy gap, beks. Huhubelles.

But I have to face my other gigs din naman kaya tuloy pa rin ang life. Ito nga lang ginagawa kong documentary film, masyado siyang kumakain sa headspace nang bongz, lalo na't I have to digest many concepts and jargon of a sector and make it palatable to all. At alam naman natin minsan ang development sector, bongga sa concepts na hinahagis-hagis lang left and right, mga concepts na hindi normally available sa mga garden variety conversations in life pero sine-sepak takraw lang nila like that. You know, mga terms like development justice, my fave capacity building,  or institutional architecture,  saka international collective advocacy, mga ganyan. Haha grabe I lurv my life: one end of the spectrum is kababawan showbiz pop culture and the other is palaliman sa konsepto development sector-United Nations level workload while ang midpoint is queer and academic tapos halo-halo na ang gitna hahaha. Brain, kaya mo pa??? 

Kaya yeah, kailangan ng bonggang bonggang buwelo kapag ito na ang haharapin kong trabaho pare. All the time. Para kang nagma-master's degree each time magha-handle ako ng feminist movement work hahaha. Trulagen collagen, 'yan ang feeling -- and I love it naman. Yun nga lang, kailangan ng extra bongz na preps ni headspace. Despite having coughs pa and this freaking dysmenorrhea.

Kaya ayan, kawayan mo na ang kape, beks.

Hellow phow. Geseng.

I love how all of a sudden, life could become quite busy. I was prepared to take it easy this month of Feb actually, which is what I did last January. I was even going back to my literary writings and personal projects I put on hold like decades ago. But no, gigs beckon, so sige na rin. Hindi tayo tumatanggi sa grasya, ever. Kaya tanggap lang ng tanggap hangga't kaya ng powers. 

Kaya lang, puwede bang mag-function nang walang monthly curse? Leche din kasi ito eh. Timing. Oh well papel. It's hard being a gurl.

Siya, sige na nga. Work na. Nagising na konti ang utak, so tipa na ulit.

Kape pa. 

to be that kind of a woman

Happy International Women's Day today, Manila time. 

Coming from a night of hanging out with different kinds of women friends, it got me thinking earlier about the kind of women we have become, in comparison to the kind of girls we were before.

I have a high school friend who works as a nurse in one of those desert countries. Turns out we also have one more friend from high school who has the same job in the same country. We all met up for dinner, talks and laughs. Some smokes, too, yes, but only confined at the far end of the table where some of their kids were safe from second hand smoke. A couple of us had a few bottles, but not enough to give one a buzz. Save for me, everyone had a family. Some husbands were in tow, and one was left at home. One of us, the latecomer to the get-together, started lamenting about how she's the only "work slave" among us flexi time workers, she who has to keep a rigid work schedule atop of juggling her home life with her one and only child since they have no yaya or househelp anymore and the hubby works in night shift. Then somebody started talking about the healthy appetite of her kid, and then the mothers among them started comparing Cherifer stories of not giving/giving vitamins to their kids and the kid started gaining/losing their appetite, I cannot recall the combo. 

And then the fathers exchanged stories of how to address their juniors with the question of why "it" stands up every morning, and how the mothers among them can't directly accept the fact that their little boys are beginning to become little men. But we also have one mother there, but unmarried. She brought along her daughter, a college freshman, and we started teasing her about "When your mom was your age...nakuuu!" And the laughs never end for our group. All this happened in between the youngest tyke, my  mini-bff, tugging me along the restaurant's koi pond to check out the fish. And to educationally play with the tyke -- as I do with other kids -- I engage her in identifying the colors of the fishies and to count how many fishies are there. For a non-schooled tyke, her counting is awesome yet for the life of her mum, they couldn't comprehend why her color identification skills is only limited to the colors of her mum's bras, and identifying colors of other objects is always a failure. A child psychologist somewhere out there might have the answer, but we're not interested in that right now, at this phase. We just laugh at her cuteness.

That was my night. How was yours?

Waking up today, I thought of that: what became of us girls, giggly naughty ones in high school, who have now become full-fledged women, with careers and jobs and families and homes and cars and educational plans and children and aging parents or parents who left us already. Well, not really applicable to all. The single mom with the happy college freshie daughter has a boyfriend, and this lesbian is a happy single-and-mingle woman. Another member of the gang is, in fact, already in Australia, petitioned by her girlfriend there, because that's how awesome countries recognize our kind of relationship. No judgment in our group, just support. Not everyone really pursued the career we were thinking of having back in high school, while some of us went to have careers that we never thought in a million years we'd practice. Some actually want to change careers already, to pursue what they really want. But there's always this family balancing act that they have to consider.  

To be in the company of these girls who became women, it gets me thinking of the kind of woman I have also become. And it's strange to realize that there's not one kind of woman one becomes, but maybe several, all in one, at the same time. Intersections. Yes, I am a big fan of this concept. We do not live single issue lives, as Audre Lorde once wrote. As women, we also do not live single identity lives as well. Or sometimes, we also reject prescribed notions of womanhood that society tries to dress us up with, just because we have a vagina and not a penis. Strange to have the world reduced to what you have between your legs, not between your ears or what's near your lungs, right? But the world is funny and strange that way sometimes.

To tell you the truth, I've come to realize that I'm not that kind of a woman: the birthing kind. Even if my so-called "child-bearing hips" would make me a viable candidate, these hips have a longstanding contract with my vagina to not have anything bigger than a watermelon to grow inside and pass through them. Not that I'd choose or test to have a watermelon pass through there, no. Good god, what are you thinking?!? Kidding aside, no, even before I had a legitimate boyfriend, I've already decided back then, as early as my college years. This decision of not bearing a child in this lifetime was already made way ahead than my decision to become a writer, actually, or to pursue the career I have. I don't know but some decisions are easier to decide upon, just like that. But it doesn't mean that I abhor kids. In fact, my friends are amazed at the kind of patience I have with their kids. That's a totally different skillset, I remind them, and one doesn't have to be a mother to know how to interact properly with kids. I've actually had girlfriends before who were mothers, with kids of varying ages and sexes, yet they ask me some mothering tips on how to handle their kids or they let me handle situations with their kids because they're impatient about it. Imagine that. So yez, kidz skillset, I haz it.

And no, this decision doesn't connect directly to the fact that I decided not to be that kind of a woman: the man-loving kind. Give me credit for trying to follow the status quo of being in a boyfie-girlfie setup before, but give me bigger credit for defying that status quo. No, I don't defy for the sake of defying. It's just that I've come to realize, in the development of my persona, that being a woman who likes being with a woman is what makes me happy. Bonus points for not having straight situations some of my friends sometimes have. I luv yah my het friends but yeah, y'know what I'm talking 'bout. There was this one time that a friend, before meeting her boyfie, asked me to accompany her to Watsons to buy contraceptives. This was the same girl who, one morning, texted me to ask my feminist network where the morning after pill could be bought here in the country, but with the caveat that it's not for her. Why the disclaimer? Because by default, straight girls usually have such disclaimers embedded in them. I should know; I used to have them. To be a woman who wants to exercise her "god-given" right to have a safe and satisfying sex life, society puts obstacles in our paths sometimes, damning ones that make women feel guilty and shamed. No, I decided I'm not going to be that kind of a woman. So gay or straight, I exercised that right, and exercised safety at the same time. But now? My side of safety is a bit easier. As my good friend bought her condoms, I bought three kinds of mouthwash. "That's a lot of mouthwash!" she quipped. To which I replied "Because this is my kind of contraceptive, my friend." And we both laughed and went up to meet her boyfie.

Before going to Watsons, this friend actually chatted me up and asked how I am, and there's also a default question: how's your love life? A paired lesbian friend actually asked me that the other day, too, when I struck up a conversation with her. Sometimes I wonder about that question. Why are people so hung up on that part of us, the "love" life part. And this usually connects to the idea of having a partner or not. I wish when people ask about others' "love life," the answer would always be: "I'm totally fine. It's great! Because I love my life, and that's my love life!" Which is what I've always fought about, conceptually, in my mind, being that kind of a woman: the partnered kind. I've had my fair share of partnered years, clocked in and out of them. But what I've learned from those years was that I don't want a relationship status to define me. Sometimes I find it cute  that my coupled friends are obsessed with finding me a partner. (Partner agad? Puwede bang date muna, mga teh?) But there are also a handful who understand and respect me in my decision to be in a "single but not lonely" mode. Or rather, the "single but not alone" kind, as I always kid them that "Porke single, di ibig sabihin tigang, teh!" and it's always a hoot to kid about this. But none of them ever dared to ask if my joke was half-meant. But to the handful who know the truth, and who message me on Viber/FB/sms/email from time to time just to check up on me, I give them eternal hugs. Hashtag alam na. :)   



 

There are other kinds of parameters, barometers, litmus tests, and other standards that the world has on being "a certain kind" of a woman. I don't have a life mission to subscribe to them. I also don't have the aim of going against them. I just do what feels right to me, as a woman, and I just make sure I don't harm others in the process. Right now, I'm a woman who has her own place she calls her home, doing jobs that pay the bills while having enough left to splurge on occasional dates, does meetups with good friends and continue meeting new ones, enjoys the company of others and of herself, and very thankful to be (pa-)healthy, wealthy (in experiences) and wise (yeah, literal, lolz). Bonus points for being the creative kind and being tapped because of my talents and skills, and occasionally being flattered for my looks. Yes, at this point in my life, I am happy I am this kind of a woman: the fulfilled kind. I wish whatever you women out there have in your life, you will also be this kind, because it's the best kind of all, I think. The happiest.

Happy woman's millennium, my pals. Every second is ours. Claim it. 

fabulous overload, Bangkok plus plus style

Blessings overload! Sabi nga ng isang good friend ko, sa mga na-experience kong chuvaness this year (as in chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvanessssss!), hindi puwedeng walang kapalit 'yan na ganansiya, sagana, kasayahan at yes, our ever-present fabulousness. Positivity abounds. All because good karma always has my back. Fist bump to that! Sige na nga, chest bump na rin.

Kaya eto, pres na pres at fresh from my trip to Bangkok while jumpstarting new consultancy work (workssss actually, dahil as of presstime, may bago na namang dumating!), sabay-sabay na namang umuulan ng ganansiya at kung anu-ano pa sa aking katauhan at sa aking kalawakan. Super grateful for this.

Unang balita, lumabas na nga pala ang panibagong bunga ng isang bagong consultancy work: 'yung article na binuno ko with a teammate sa Rappler. Eto siya: read it here. Naka-byline pala ako. Akala ko generic lang kami lalabas a la press release kyeme. But anyway, thanks for the byline kahit kulang at wala ang linsangan heheh. Check ko yan next time ha hmmm. 

WHIP IT Wednesdays ang gimik ng Pantene kaya ayan, kasalukuyang pinapahaba ng raket na ito ang hairlalu ko dahil naha-high ako sa mga new outlets where we could engender those that need engendering. Basta usapang gender at media, alam niyo naman lola niyo, ever-present. Kahit sa United Nations pa 'yan hehe.

Which brings me to why I was in Bangkok. For this:

Bangkok forum day 1: official participant ang drama. Kilroy was here. At hanlameg ng forum place naknantotchang. Good thing I brought a pampormang blazer.

Reconnected with longtime media literacy co-advocates Asuka from Japan, Australian Sally now based in Sri Lanka, and met new acquaintance Ada from Puerto Rico. Could you say "third wave feminism reprezent" hehehe. It's our turn, lolas.

Feeling UN mode ang lola mo. Perennial battle in understanding the French-to-English translator made me resolve to resume my French language lessons. At dahil present and future tense pa lang kaya kong salitain sa Pranses, aaralin ko ulit para matutunan ko na ang past tense conjugation hahaha. Le lekat.

Joined upon the encouragement of Sally and Asuka who are doublehandedly trying to revive the old network called ANWIC or Asian Network of Women in Communication, of which I am now a member. Also with older ANWIC members here from India and Thailand at the photo op booth. Win.

Da Pinoy tropa: Ms. Lydia of Miriam College and Ms. Olive of Women's Feature Service. Wala gusto lang namin ng photo op sa jutel na sushyal hehe.

Who would have thought that registering to be in this global forum by no less than UNESCO would entitle me to a sponsored trip. After I've already booked my ticket and lodging kasi, they emailed to sponsor it. So yehey gorabelles siyempre nubeh! Heheh. In exchange, they said I will be a speaker sa isang panel pero mej may kalabuan 'yung portion na 'yun. Pero anyway ayoko namang magsalita talaga. Sa ganyang mga conf, gusto ko lang makinig at mag-absorb ng stuff, and especially mag-process and of course mag-share sa mga utaw. Kaya livetweeting lang ang ginawa namin ng tropang ANWIC.

My day1 hotel before moving in to fancier sponsored one. May kasama naman pala akong babae dun kaya hindi malungkot ang gabi lolz. Hashtag huwat feminizm? Lolz. Gusto ko siyang nakawin actually hahaha makahanap nga ng ganyang shower curtain. Parang ang sarap maligo lagi 'pag si Marilyn ang katabi mo hahaha!

Fancier hotel had this morning view. Ah, cityscapes. Something close to my heart. Felt like home for a while.

Arrived over the weekend to have the pasyal portion over and done with before the forum started, wala akong ka-iti-itinerary sa pupuntahan actually. I just like roaming around this city because Bangkok reminds me of a better version of Manila in a way. Maybe it's because they're Buddhist? Maybe. So when I asked myself "Hm san kaya makapunta?" eto ang sagot sa akin ng universe hehe.

Dahil wala ngang itinerary, puntahan ang familiar. Pak na pak pa rin. First time I went to BKK was with Probe Media Foundation's Imaging the Mekong video docu workshop. Kay Ma'm Cheche Lazaro ko natutunan to pack lightly and carry a big big bag when going to Bangkok kasi pag-uwi mo, puno na ito. Siya nawa hahaha salamat sa Chatuchak nga, among other stuff from other places. 

Of course visit another familiar place. Na hanggang ngayon ay wala pa ring credit card option to pay hmmm lekat. Suot ko sa pride march ang mga nabili ko rito hehe.

Ang saya lang to reconnect with longtime kahenerasyon peeps working on similar media+gender issues and stuff. My, how time flies! Nasa Isis NGO pa ako noon when I met up with them and here we all are, 9 years later, still at it! Nakasama ko rin ang isang comm arts linkage sa dating mundo ko ng akademya at of course mga longtime independent women journalists/media educators from the older ranks. Happy naman ang peg. At least may ibang Pinoy. Akala ko lang kasi ako lang buti na lang hehe.

Chuma-Chang kasama ang mga chang. International inuman it iz.

At kunwari sume-selfie pero ang tututs, nagdo-document ng mga makitang tom-dee doon hehehe. Si ati waitress tom na tom pare. Tom=butch / dee=femme in Thai lingo.

Happy with my book finds. Oo libro talaga shina-shopping ko anywhere I may be in the world.

Found this really cool gemstone shop so decided to update my collection of charms and protections to help me ward away nega people who pretend to be non-nega in my vicinity. Been having lots of those chuvanesssssssss lately kaya kelangang i-level up talaga ang Protego totalum! spells para maprotektahan pa sa future against all forms and kinds of halimaws and insekyorays.

Yung dini-direk ko si ateh para maganda ang photo op documentation niya hihihi Kilroy was here mode.

Yung Sally and I can't believe how "modernized" old shopping centers are now hahaha naghahanap kami ng Greenhills tiyangge pero Shang Plaza mall ang peg na tumambad hahaha lekat.

Because of some political protests that happened before and during we were there, mobility was very limited. Which means I have to go back there na lang for real pasyal mode. Noted universe! Loud and clear.

So great the enlightenment that I got from going on this trip. Muntikan ko pa namang ikansela! Buti na lang beks! Intuition: trust it more next time nang di na tayo napapahamak galore.

At nakakatuwa dahil ang tingkad lang ng rainbowtatt ko lagi doon sa BKK hehe. Hm maybe it's a sign of something... Could be, who knows...


Hayst, winner talaga ang mag-travel. It clears the mind bigtime pare. Makabalik nga soon diyan, for more pasyal goodness. And for more enlightenment in general. Kob khun ka, Siam, maraming salamat.

At salamat pa sa mga dagdag na kyemerlu of life. So may isa nga akong organisasyong nilayasan na dapat this year pero talaga yatang once an Isis woman, always an Isis woman. Heto nga at mainit-init na kinokonekta na naman nila ako sa mga kausap naming kawomenan mula Australia dati. Naykupo, outback accent na naman lola mo nitoh! O siya gorabelles! Tatanggi pa ba ako sa grasya at ganansya beks! Getlak lang ng getlak, for more!

And indeed, my cup runneth over na nga as we speak. Kulang na naman ang 24 hours in one day, as I've always complained. So there. Bawal matulog beks. Work mode lang.

Pero sige lang universe. Ngayon ko talaga nakikita na marami, malawak at malaki pa pala ang kailangan pang ikutan at gawin sa buhay, lalo na nung matapos ang engagement kong pagkahaba-haba na pala na iniwanan ko na dahil sa lason na ang dumadaloy doon. Oo, iyan ang akademya para sa akin, at least sa pinanggalingan kong Hogwarts. Sa pag-alis ko doon, ngayon ko lang talaga nakikita kung bakit dapat pala inagahan ko ang pag-alis. Wala talaga akong panahon para sa mga kanegahan. Kaya as much as possible, bago pa man ako mabahiran ng lason, layas na lang ang moda. At oo, that's my biggest heartache this year. Now I can honestly say it. But I could also declare now that yes, like any other heartache, I'm soooo over it. So so so over it. And now, I could also honestly say na thank goddess I got out! I don't wanna grow old traversing the River Styx so near Hades, if you know what I mean. The Elysian Fields are ever-expanding pa pala so I have to keep my eyes on the real prize of life here. 

And that we are.

And as always, friendships -- real, genuine ones --abound. As of presstime again, meron pala kaming chika-kits ng mga haiskul friends soon because our Australian berks is back. So instant reunion naman ang peg hehe. Miss ko na mga gelay na ito kaya ayan, welcome break ito. And of course can't wait for the Silverbelles session this month naming mga 30++ aged biyanings hehe. Loving this circle as well. Yeah my life is good that way, being surrounded by souls of interesting folks.

So many great stuff happening. That's the way to wrap up this month, eh? And this year as well. Hindi pa nga tapos kaya di pa natin alam kung ano pang grasya at blessing ang aambon sa akin. Sabi nga, simula pa lang daw ito. Huwaw. Sige maghahanda na ako talaga para pag-arriba ng next year, mas bongga pa lalo ang Darna mode.

Ever! 

And this is what "thank you consequence" looks like. Om shanti.

monthly curse, centuries curse

My freaking period came in early today and I don't know why. I'm supposed to get it like next week pa but here it is, waking me up from deep slumber. And I hate it. And yes, that is why I call it the monthly curse. Once a month, I hate being a woman because of this. I'm sure many of you out there could relate. Group hug!!!

So what does this mean to me? Super-back ache, the lower region or whatever you call that area right above the butt. I don't get pains on my abdomen or that general area. I don't know why. It has always been like that for me, ever since I was in college. Back then, the pain was worse -- I literally can't get up from bed as I am rendered helpless from the waist down. I hated it. Now, it's not like that but it still hurts like hell. Well okay, sometimes I can't get up but it's not that worse. It depends on my physical well-being at a given time, I think. Since I have been working out regularly for the past two months, the pain is not that persistent. So I have to keep up with this workout thing for this curse. And yes, AlaxanFR is my best friend as well during these trying times. Yes, Manny Pacquiao, please keep on endorsing that pain killer. I heart you.

Ah, curses! Good thing it came today so I'll be freer to roam around next week yay! Next week is Pride Week since Pride March happens on December 4. Yeah yeah, I'm marching, I'm marching, get off my back heheh (or get me on my back? Hehe sorry can't resist the segue :P). Two good arguments by two queer women sold me on the idea this year, so... Well maybe a little bit of marching but you know me, ever the photo documentor, so I am ever-present and I roam around. So I'll be doing coverage work for my Pinoy LGBT stint at POC (haha yeah Queer Woman number 1 made argument#1 when she was running out of arguments to convince me to march: "Libay, please attend the Pride March because we need pictures for our articles!" Hahaha! I said "Sure, fine, okay, let go of my arm now." Chos! :P). But as usual, I document these things for my own pictorial archive of the LGBT movement here in the country. But we'll talk about that more next time.

So anyway, last Tuesday, I found myself in dirty, grimy Manila to collect some overdue writers payments and stuff. As I was walking along the Intramuros side where the Manila Cathedral is, I did a double-take because I saw something at the facade.

Look:

Can't see it? Let's take a closer look.

To the left, to the left.
Sorry Beyonce but it ain't about being bootylicious.

To the right (wing), to the right (wing)...
What's the freaking number for?
"Call us if you hate the RH bill, too,
so we can throw curses at these Damasos..."

I was like, what the fuck is that????????????? And yeah, I guess it's all about fucking, and being fucked, for centuries now. Centuries-old curse: religious intolerance!

Since I was preoccupied last weekend up to early this week, I didn't have time to update myself with local news. I was just mortified when my friends from the Reproductive Health advocacy circles started posting videos on Facebook about what happened last weekend.

This particular one interests me the most, since it was also edited out of convenience when this bit made it to the news.

And wait for what that guy shouts at 00:06:14 and 00:06:30. Yes, you have to hold on to your seats for that. Ready? Press play.





Did you miss it? That dude said "You should have told your mothers to have aborted you!" [06:14] and that lady said "Ask your mothers to abort you!" [06:30] and then the woman protester at the end just kept on saying how, in the depressed (poor) areas, you really can't do the natural method since it doesn't work, so she did pills and stuff.

Huwaaw! May ganung factor???? Away, Satan!!!!! *tumbling!*

So that explains that sign I saw at the facade. Freaky, huh?

But I like how the freethinkers just clapped their hands when those two peeps just shouted those lines. So, um, sir, ma'am, are you pro-abortion, then? Homaygad! Did your god hear you shout that? Tsk tsk. Say 10 Our Fathers, 20 Hail Marys and 30 Glory Bes now. Now nah. For salvation!

Hay naku. This is how warped this issue has become. But this still proves one point: that their freaking rosary is still inserted inside our freaking ovaries. Hate that.

All this Pro-Life/Pro-Choice/RH talk just makes me flashback in a weird way during this time I was with my film school friends when we were working with this Fil-Canadian lady producing a documentary for TV called "The Role of the Filipina in National Development" back in 1996. Oh man, I was what, 22 or 23 then? Jeez! And ever the videographer, I was carrying the camera and we walked inside Caritas Manila to interview some woman there who was supposed to give her insights about the docu topic. But just when we entered one of the offices, some crazy nun started showing us these huge posters of aborted fetuses which of course had to look all gory and icky and stuff. One even shoved this small figurine she was holding in her hand in my face while she was ranting about the "philosophies" behind those crazy posters. At first, I couldn't make out what that figurine was, but upon closer look, ah yeah it's that -- an aborted fetus. Made of rubber, I think. Or made of plastic, like them. If my life were a graphic novel then, that scene would have carried a panel with my thought balloon reading: What is this nun about??? Getmeouttahere! Now naaaaaa!

That was so fucking crazy. My girl friend was looking at it as well, and I could see that she was having a harder time hiding her disgust. My guy best friend was also looking but as usual, the artistically weird person that he is, he just absorbed the scene and played along with the crazy nun. When our shoot was over, of course we discussed it and just laughed at the incident. We even thought of comeback scenarios for that nun, if ever that moment gets replayed in our lives. My girl friend would tell the nun that she was having--hold your horses!--premarital sex with her boyfriend!!!! My guy best friend would tell the nun that--oh nooo!--he masturbates!!! So I kinda ran out of my own shock value excuse since, um, hm, I was still a virgin then and um, hm, I didn't subscribe to any kind of "label" then (but of course by default, people think I'm straight because I have big boobs. Yes, that's a valid equation/hypothesis/conclusion in the Philippines). But ah, a couple of years later after that incident, I guess I made my big in-yo'-face: I became a lesbian!!!!! Insert thunder and lightning here. Woooooo! My ticket to damnation! Yes, my friends and I are a merry bunch of sinners.

And a few weeks after that shoot, a campaign was launched and the country -- or at least Metro Manila -- soon became familiar with the terms "pro-choice" and "pro-life." Hmmmmmm... When was this? Fourteen years ago? Hmmmmmmm...

Cut to: present time.

Fourteen years after, nothing much has changed. Well, the world changed, in some parts. Like hey, look at what our main colonial master did -- they legalized freaking gay marriage? Good heavens!!!! While us, its former colonial subject, still have people banishing satan awaaaaaaay! because people want to use condoms. And protect women. And protect people. Generally.

Haaaay lost...

I never really had a clearer and bigger picture about how fucked up RH situations are in the world because of bigotry, prejudice and religious righteousness until I started being exposed to women's issues at my former NGO, Isis International. While working there, I came upon this group Catholics for Choice or something like that which had really cool campaigns about contraceptive use.

Look at their poster:



Cool, huh. Look at more here.

But that's the thing. How come those Damaso RH "protesters" were excluded from this so-called religious ritual? They are, after all, Catholics, too, as they said. But alas, there is a "right kind of Catholic" as that pro-life person said in the video. Hmmmm...

The right kind of Catholic. What is that? Beats me. I've lived in this country for 37 years now and I don't think I've seen the right kind of Catholic, yet. I didn't know that there was a right way and a wrong way of practicing your religion according to so-called religious leaders. Hay curses, foiled again.

I think the point here is, when are they going to open their eyes to the real realities of things? Like that poor woman from the urban poor sector said, their realities are different where they are. But these church-going people in Manila Cathedral have their own kind of realities, I guess. I just wish they won't impose their own kind of morality on others, you know. Especially on the poor and disadvantaged people. Hay...

Manila, my Manila, what will happen to you?

And going back to me, I guess every time, every month, I get this monthly curse, it's just sad to think that I don't even have a say in what goes on in my body, according to the laws of this land, according to the non-insinuated "laws" of the Catholic church. Who owns women's bodies? Sadly, in the Philippines, not the women.

And I get reminded of that ownership every month. Every. Freaking. Month.

Where's that freaking Alaxan?????? *pop*

gosh, i hope so! + on judging

sabi ng stars today...

Taurus Horoscope

(Apr 20 - May 20)

You may feel as if your life is opening up, so take time now to think about your future. Unfortunately, this can make you anxious, for your goals may be out of line with your current life circumstances. You could convince yourself that drastic action is needed to get back onto the proper path, but don't push so hard for change today. There will be time enough over the days ahead.

o sige ha. sabi mo. sana nga.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

*

intriga? intriga? ayoko na ng intriga. pero ang dami pa ring nanghihingi at naghihikayat at nag-uudyok.

isa lang masasabi ko sa inyo: NUBAH! LEAVE ME ALONE! mierda.

*

anak ng tokneneng. bakit ang hirap maghanap ng isaw sa marikina? hm...


*

i've been putting off something i want to write about for a while now, but maybe i have to. getit over with ika nga.

i recently watched this sex and the city ep with carrie walking in on samantha giving a blowjob to an express delivery guy. then the ep centered on friends judging friends. interesting.

lately, i felt some friends were also judging me, pero unfairly. but then again, judging is not always a fair exercise. you judge kasi you feel you are in a higher or better position than the one you're analyzing.

pero why do you judge another person? minsan kasi, napapagkalamalan nilang jina-judge sila when in fact gusto mo lang silang i-agit para magising sila sa pagiging dormant sa buhay nila or something, o kaya ipamukha mo sa kanila ang isang aspeto ng life nila na dapat e ginagawan nila ng paraan. minsan naman, you tell others, ay mayabang, ay show-off, ay bilib sa sarili, ay namedropper, etc etc etc. minsan valid ang uber-judging at ang ang ganitong observations kasi maraming tao ang ganito talaga ang ugali. pero paano nga kung supposedly e kilala ka ng taong nagja-judge sa yo?

sana naman huwag ganun between friends. between ex-friends, fine, judge all you can ang drama. between co-workers, go na go! every freaking day in my life, i have been judged by older and younger people who think they know better than me kahit hindi naman. kaya nga natatawa ako kapag nashoshoplak ko sila e. lalo na kung boss.

before, in an office, i had this horror of a boss na lahat ng officemate ko ay ayaw talaga sa kanya. kaya nung promotions time, nagka-lintik-lintik ang office na yun dahil sa fact na yun. lam mo na, office politics. pero ang di ko magets e before all that, she turned around and turned against me, when in fact ang ganda ng working relationship namin ng boss ko na yun. i didn't know where her judging mode came from, kaya na-demonize niya ko bigla. e sorry na lang siya at kampi ang buong office sa akin, kahit ang boss niya. labo. in the end, siya ang umalis. matira matibay. sino'ng natira?

i guess she knows that now. kaya nga nakakatawa last week. the northern winds blew her in and i found her going into my current office, looking for something and someone. and she couldn't even look at me, straight, diretso sa mata, while i was intently and genunely looking at her, trying to make polite, decent and humane conversation. but i guess those were not her forte kaya she couldn't even barely look at me. yung katawan nga niya di mapakali, parang gustong magtago sa likod ng mesa at cabinet. super nervous energy siya. grabe talaga ang mga tao...nakakatawa.

people are strange.

eto pa. i chatted with a friend and ex-co-worker recently about how our ex-co-worker made horrible judgements about me pala, at gina-groundwork niya ang ibang co-workers namin about this judging. kaya nga when shit hit the fan, akala nila galit din ako sa kanila. nilinaw ko naman na hindi. and everything's fine between us all. na-karma na kasi ang resident evil namin kaya masaya na at super-lovely na ang life ulit...

*as a friend, di ba i warned you that one day, your shit will jump and bite you in the ass if you keep on being the sonofabitch you are? well, i relish in saying I TOLD YOU SO! and there you go.* karma works.

but it never occurred to me that she will go to that extent of spreading false judgement when in fact, a straight-up one on one would have worked better. intact pa sana ang friendship namin, or a semblance of it. but still, i regret not losing people you treated as friends when they don't act like they're your friends pala. not my loss, ika nga. but a bigger loss is that other friend namin whom i treated as more than a best friend; i treated him as a brother, my twin brother. or in the words of heinlein's classic scifi novel stranger in a strange land, my water-brother. alas, cain and abel mode pala ang mangyayari. i don't know where his sense of judgement came from, but i certainly don't care now. again, their loss.

sometimes friends judge each other in different degrees. but to make a friend feel that your situation is lower than hers, man, that hurts. na para bang siya o ang buhay niya ang barometer ng isang aspeto ng buhay, tulad ng relasyon. in fact, problematic nga ang relasyon nila. and i am happy to note that kung nasaan yung problema niya, naroon ang sobrang kasayahan ng relasyon ko. kaya keber sa komento.

i shared this nga with another friend. sabi nga niya, judging na talaga iyon, kaya normal lang daw na na-hurt ako at hindi ako OA lang. sabi nga niya, minsan ang relasyon, wala sa quantity of time pero sa quality of time. my girlfriend and i happen to believe that, kaya nga happy kami e. sana this is well understood by all...

syempre i myself have been guilty of judging friends sometimes. pero madalas sa hindi, hindi nila nakikita na nagbibigay lang ako ng honest opinion about a situation or a factor of themselves. minsan kasi, they refuse to see their hidden section of their johari window kaya hindi nila alam na people look at them na pala in a weird way. during these times, i try to help by being brutally honest, pero in the end, ako pa pala ang masama.

minsan people, do a self-check of your own selves para people won't do it for you, or you won't be surprised what others really, really think of you, ha please?

oh well. yun lang. sometimes, you never know where the judging will come from, pero lately i've been hurt na galing sa mga taong tinuturing kong karugtong ng bituka ko. hm, masyado na yatang mahaba ang bituka ko e. sige, gagawa na ko ng chicharong bulaklak bukas...

*krrssshhhk*

penge sukang may kulay.

kill me now + electric jeep + prick flick + losing isaiah

just a little before i turn in.

still reeling from the effect of hyper-hyperacidity that attacked this stomach of mine last thursday. bad trip!!!!!! now i belong to the hyperacidity anonymous club. kainis. which means no more of my usual cravings of coffee, tea or alcohol. add to that the banning of yosi pa. kababalik ko nga lang eh, aalis na agad! wah! wala nang natira! sabi ng friend ko, bawal na din ang tomato-based stuff. anubayaaaaan. basta anything acidic daw. e ako pa naman si citrus freak ever, asim lover super, basta sour is the new sweet for me. grrrrr. like, i always have orange juice whenever i remember to have breakfast, suka as sawsawan, manggang hilaw (bagoong rocks!), my love affair with kamatis (salsa rules!). bawasan din daw ang dairy products, esp cheese (au revoir camembert et brie) and ice cream! puta naman o. kill me now. wala nang natira. tangina skyflakes at tubig forever ba drama nito!!! wah i protest!

mahilig pa naman akong kumain at magsampol ng world cuisines. kainiz. hirap ng ganitong limitasyon ah... bad treef.

*

anyway, speaking of trip, i want one of these for christmas:













cute yung pink! puwede pang-pride march hehe. more at marninay's multiply.

*

and this is why we heart gloria steinem:

I propose, as the opposite of "chick flick" and an adjective of your very own, "prick flick." Not only will it serve film critics well, but its variants will add to the literary lexicon. For example, "prick lit" could characterize a lot of fiction, from Philip Roth to Bret Easton Ellis and beyond. "True prick" could guide readers to their preferred non-fiction, from the classics of Freud to the populist works of socio-biologists and even Rush Limbaugh.

Most of all, the simple label "prick flick" could lead you easily and quickly through the thicket of televised, downloaded and theatrical releases to such attractions as:

All the movies that glorify World War II. ...All the movies that glorify Vietnam, bloody regional wars, and the war on terrorism. ...All the movies that portray violence against women, preferably beautiful, sexy, half-naked women. ... All the movies that insist female human beings are the only animals on earth that seek out and even enjoy their own pain. ...

award ang lola! read her full article on alternet.

nga naman. kung may chick lit, dapat may prick lit. it rhymes!

*

while resting from sickness, i caught LARRY KING LIVE on cnn and it had isaiah washington there. tama ba name, yung guy na na-fire sa GREY'S ANATOMY (sorry i don't watch the show) kasi he used the word "faggot" sa set. this caused a great furor dahil yung isang co-star niya ay napa-out bigla, si TR Knight (tama ba sp?) and i caught his interview sa ELLEN after this incident naman. tapos nag-deny si isaiah pero inulit niya sa GOLDEN GLOBES. grabe. ibang klase.

pero in fairness to him, he made a public service tvc under glaad.org and he underwent counseling daw. sige whatever.

man, nakakatawa yung mga arguments niya. he contradicts himself every after commercial gap, i swear. sasabihin niya apologetic siya dahil sa hindi daw niya alam ang gravity ng words, tapos after a gap sasabihin niya he believes words have power, tapos after another gap sasabihin niya we have to be careful of the words we use, tapos another gap (ang daming gaps ng cnn potah) sasabihin niya nag-iiba ang context ng words depende sa gumamit etc... i lost count na sa incredulousness ng kanyang statements.

e hindi na ko magugulat na ganito siya, medyo he fits the profile pala of your typical garden-variety american homophobe -- grew up in a so-called redneck state (texas, where their idiot president is from), had military training (don't ask, don't tell?) and is a family man chenes. larry king slightly wanted to refer if there were traces of racism naman sa firing niya. hindi masagot ng diretso ng lolo. he's african american kasi. pero malabo na ito this day and age sa showbiz, not with people like oprah and the hiphop moguls ruling the airwaves. ano sila hilo?

pero homophobia, oo. ito ang hindi pa nawawala sa society at large. theirs, and even ours. the whole world's, even. ganda lang ng CSI NY yesterday when this bigot who killed a tranny said "what i see, i done the world a big favor by killing him." sabi ni detective "and i'm doing it an even bigger favor" then locked him up. kabog ka.

wala e. kahit mag-atone siya sa sins niya, nabahiran na siya nun at hindi na iyon mawawala pa sa balat niya. mahirap talaga kapag nababahiran ka ng ganito. dapat matuto na talaga ang mga tao. hay... kairita panoorin pero i just had to, just to see how he will weasel his way out of it. to no avail. kahit si larry king napapa-ismid. luz.

reminded me of that great scene sa PHILADELPHIA where tom hanks the HIV-positive gay corporate lawyer shakes hands and meets for the first time denzel washington's lawyer for hire character. when tom said "i have AIDS" denzel slowly stops shaking hands, turns a bit, his back to tom, and slowly wipes his palm (yung pinang-handshake niya) sa pants niya. beautifully acted and directed scene. subtle yet strong ang impact. para kasing ganun yung fez ni isaiah most times, like denzel's face after that handshake. classic. bigotry at its finest.

to echo the slogans, HEY HEY! HO HO! HOMOPHOBIA'S GOT TO GO!

word.

*

okay gotta rest na. ciao.

it sucks to be...here!

it sucks to be here! in hot manila, hot house, hot everywhere. well, not really hot.

wala lang. i'm starting to believe i'm built for a cool climate place, pero hindi niyebe-mode ha. i still hate winter countries. baguio-cold level is fine. hm, may UP naman din dun di ba...hmmm....

lamig kasi sa pinuntahan ko sa india that time i was there. parang baguio, chong. super. kaya sarap. sarap magsulat. sarap magbabad. sarap lang! ayan, sa sarap, nakatapos din ng nobela. bow! sabi ng ang isa kong kasama dun, expensive way to write daw yun. e wow, it works, e.

hm, reminds me, i might have to do the same thing when i write my thesis. need to be cold! as in.

magba-blog sana ko ng marami pero nawalan na ko ng gana when i found out that this free service is going to expire by the end of the year, so what's the point! maglilipat na lang ako hay.....

san ba maganda? suggest somewhere nga, yung hindi biglang mangbabawi ng free service. kainiz. maglilipat na namannnn! suckssss!

*

hay naku mga tao, bakit ba tanong kayo ng tanong kung kelan ako gagawa ng pelikula??? naaalibadbaran na ko. ganun ba talaga kataas ang demand? hehehehehehehe. chos.

nakukulitan na ko eh. cool lang. aabot din tayo diyan. di pa naman ako mamamatay bukas e, di ba? so don't rush me. charuz.

wala rin akong pakialam kung nauungusan na ko ng ibang tao kahit di sila karapat-dapat gumawa ng pelikula according to our opinionz. kayo talaga, nang-intriga pa. hayaan niyo na yung tao, e adik, e, nubah. bisyo niya yaaaaaaan!

para lang yang lechon manok phenomenon of the '80s and pearl shake drink phenomenon of the '90s. sa '00s, digital filmmaking phenomenon nyeehehehehhee. in the end, ang matitira ay yung matibay, malasa at may flavor. devah. so relaks lang, go see a movie. devah?

ako, relaks lang. may i watch a lotta movies ginawa ko sa india. sarap lang. at nag-starstruck mode kami when we saw some asian celebs like the hk director yon fan (nice sya, mej lolo na pero nice pa rin), the indian actor and now director aparna sen (starstruck kami pareho ni ellen ongkeko, fangirl mode kami, nagpapiktyur pa! hehehe), and si parinya beautiful boxer. pare, ganju sya in person. mas maganda pa siya sa mga retokadang artista dito. kaya lang afraid ako kausapin, baka i-muaythai ako e hahahahaha chos. nah, di lang siya mahusay mag-inggles kaya di ko makausap. syet umalis agad siya e kaya di kami nakapag-fangirl mode pictyurteking.

saka some familar names in the international women's movement and the academe din na nababasa ko sa mga journals and stuff. si joanna kerr, formerly ED ng AWID, andun. chong, lesbyana pala sha! at inaway-away niya intellectually yung isang gay guy na nagsabi na "why are all lesbian movies sooooo depressing???" kamukha ni pascale hehehe. pero mukhang uptight businesswoman by day na dominatrix mode pa-S&M bondage queen sa gabi, afraid, kaya di ako lumalapit sa kanya hehehe. tapos si helen hok-sze leung (ngyar, tama ba?) na film scholar chuvaness, na-meet ko. kala ko hk-based siya yun pala hk diaspora chenes pala, at taga-canada. aysus. pero bet na rin kasi i love her articles on queer cinema sa mga anthologies na nababasa ko. fun siya kasama dun pero masyado na siyang north americanized...saka the usual kawomenan chuva were there, like sina pinay cheekay sa apcwomen, saka si malay yuenmei na nakilala ko sa ap-ngo forum on beijing+5 before sa bangkok. happy naman to see familar faces there. at salamat sa roaming ni cheekay at nakitext ako nung naubusan ako ng load hehe.

hmm come to think of it, even though the focus and participants of the conference was south and southeast asia, marami ring nasa diaspora ang um-attend, at saka nakkatawa lang kasi the conf had a feeling of "my colonizer is better than your colonizer" or "my diaspora is more meaningful than your diaspora" chos. parang may ganun. kasi nga naman, india, hello, sobrang weird lang makita yung mixture ng british chuva and the ancient india chuva nila, unlike here sa pinas na...nasakop na talaga ang lahat, at wala na yatang mega-obvious bahid ng sariling atin sa kahit saan ka tumingin, maliban na lang siguro sa mga jeeps sa kalye... weird lang talaga yung feeling... kasi pag nagpunta ka sa thailand, kita mo ang thai-ness despite the modern chenes (although exception sila kasi di sila nasakop), sa hk ganun din, kita mo chinese-ness chos, saka india nga. hm... e tayo? waers te. parang walang natirang pinoy-ness sa paligid... hmm...laos tayo in that aspect.

that also showed in the multiplicity of our skin. when i was arriving, the airport people thought yata i was kinda indian kasi malalim ang eyebags ko ate! yun okay lang sakin, blend ako dun in that aspect. di lang ako nakadamit ng tulad nila. pasado na ko for an aryan indian type. tapos when i was hanging out with the beijing people, the indians thought i was also chinese! then when i hung out with a bangladeshi girl, an indian thought i was also from bangladesh! tapos may roommate akong pakistani at malaysian, at tinanong ako kung malaysian din ako, kamukha daw e. nung nagtabi kami ng vietnamese, akala rin ng isang puti dun, viet ako. nubaaaaaaah. then this old canadian lady chatted me up and thought i was thai. ngyark. e tapos nagsalita ako, hindi british english, hindi asian english, kundi call center american english. abah, lost na sila ever sa akin. tapos when i was roaming around the singapore airport mall, abah, hindi ako pinapansin ng mga pilipinong tagalog ng tagalog habang namimili ng pasalubong. parang akala nila, singaporean ako hehehe. weird. lalu na sa plane. ehehehe.

kaya ang laging tanong "where are you from, miss?" 

hm, taga-saan nga ba tayo? kaya gustong-gusto ko sa thailand e. doon kasi, mukha akong thai! pag bumibili ako sa market, tina-thai ako ng tindero, ati! pati sa mall, sa street vendors, ng taxi driver, everyone! aba, blend ang byuti ko dun!

hmm... daming naiisip pag nagta-travel ka talaga e, no? hmmm...

taga-saan nga ba tayo?

pero talaga lang, ati. di talaga ko makainom ng tea na may milk, te. sorry i'm not that colonized. as in. postcolonial mode na ako -- i moved on.

kayo, kelan kayo magmu-move on?

tarah!

*

hay...for the semana santa, dadayo muna ko sa malayo para magpahinga at maligo at mag-surf! yey. i luv my bos. may beachfront property sa la union! yey! gusto-kong-mag-swim-ming...yebah. kaya ayun. disappear mode na naman akesh. at sana...tantananannnnn bacolodddd! and iligannnnn! let's wish let's wish let's wish...

wish me luck!