an opening of closures

Sa pagbubukas ng taon, marami rin ba ang magsasara?

Malamang, oo. Sa paligid ko, dalawang tindahan ang nakita kong nagsara. O isa lang pala, dahil iyong isa ikinagulat ko na lang na nawala na.

May sari-sari store dito sa may condo kung saan ako nakatira. Nakakatawang konsepto, sari-sari store, pero sa condo. Puwede na rin. Ganoon kasi ang dating ng tindahan ni Ate Vangie, na nagsimula itong kainan sa pagkakaalala ko mula nang lumipat ako dito noong huling bahagi ng 2000s. Wow, huling bahagi. Ang tagal na pala noon, ano. 

Hindi ko maalala kung kailan naging tindahan itong tindahan, pero convenient siyang puntahan lalo na't bibili ka ng load mapa-card man o 'yung pinapadala diretso sa cellphone. Card ang lagi kong kinukuha. Minsan, mga emergency supplies din na bigla kang nauubusan at may mini-krisis sa kusina. Nawalan ng catsup, baba. Nawalan ng evap pang-kape, baba. Nawalan ng suka, baba. 'Yun lang naman actually. At minsan, napapabili rin ng kung ano-ano. Kahit dumating na ang 7-Eleven sa kabilang building, dito pa rin ako kay Ate Vangie minsan kasi mas malapit. Mas convenient. At saka mas gusto kong tulungan ang mga maliliit na entrepreneur kaysa sa mga multinationals. Kalakarang kalye na rin siguro, bilang laki ako sa sari-sari store sa mga kalye kaya ayun, doon ako sanay.

Nagulat ako noong isang linggo, kakapasok lang ng taon. Bumaba ako para nga bumili ng suka, ano pa. Mga nakakalimutang bumili sa grocery run, o hindi pa kasi sked ng run, kaya pantawid ang ganito. Natigilan talaga ako nang makita kong wala nang laman ang unit na inookupa ng tindahan. Wala na si Ate Vangie. Hanggang sa pagtatapos lang pala ng taon siya nanatili, at hindi na sinimulan pa ang taon dito. Umalis na rin siya pagkaalis ng 2020. Saklap.

Napadaan sa tindahang sarado. 
Wala na ang suki.

Ewan ko ba pero nagitla talaga ako, natigilan. Marahil hindi na ako ganoon kasanay makita ang mabibilis na palitan ng mga tindahan dito o business. O baka kasi mas may koneksiyon ako dito kay Ate Vangie, na minsa'y akala ko hindi na makakabalik dahil na-stroke siya, talagang ngumiwi ang mukha niya at mahinang kumilos pero pilit na nagmanman ng paninda. Lahing Tsinoy si ate, sa tingin ko, baka kasingtanda ng nanay ko o malapit sa edad na iyon, lampas senior. Mabait siyang kausap, napapakiusapan pati, pero hindi madaldal masyado tulad ng ibang tindera sa tindahan. Sakto lang. Sapat.

Sayang.

Ito namang isang tindahan, minsan kong nabilhan ng marami-rami ring mga maliliit na muwebles, ilan ay para dito sa bahay ko, karamihan para doon sa bahay ng ex ko, para sa amin doon at sa mga anak niya. Malaki-laki rin ang nagastos ko sumatutal, pero lahat ng pinamili ko malamang lumutang na naman sa bahay nila noong Ulysses na baha. Dito sa akin, buo pa ang dalawang side table at isang bookcase na may salamin. Puwede na.

Ewan ko kung bakit hindi ko agad naisip na pumunta dito sa Crystal Lamp and Furniture store, pero ang tawag ko dito ay Anaishere, kasi may malaking trapal doon na nakalagay ang litrato ng may-ari, si Ana na parang tita age na upper middle class na Tsinoy din ang aura, tapos nakalagay "Ana is here" bilang reference yata sa lagi siyang hinahanap siguro sa isa pang furniture store na malapit lang doon sa kanya, sa kahabaan ng A. Bonifacio Ave na main road papasok at palabas ng Marikina. Dati yata siyang kasama sa Nemie Furniture, 'yun ang nasagap ko. Pero hindi ko sigurado siyempre. Context clues na lang base sa kuwento niya noong naroon ako at namimili kasama ng ex ko. At may pa-queer kindat pa nga siya sa pagkakaalala ko, may sharing din slight na openminded siya at mukhang supportive. Hindi ko na maalala ang ibang detalye, pero sabihin na lang nating natutuwa siya sa akin/amin at ally siya. 

Got this TV rack at half the price,
originally around 7k, I think.
Super-bargain! Closing out sale na pala.

Kaya nang pumunta akong muli after how many years, nagulat akong nakilala niya ako kahit may facemask ako. Last day na pala niya, magsasara na talaga. Buti naabutan ko pa, at nakapagpagawa pa ako ng inaasam kong bibilhin sana sa ibang malalayong furniture store pa. May isa ring naka-sale doon na kinuha ko na on the spot. Super bargain kasi. Kaya natuwa naman ako at nakakuha na naman ako ng mga maaasahang muwebles na galing lang din dito sa mga entrepreneur na sariling sikap imbes na sa mga SM-SM.

Siguro ganoon nga talaga minsan, may mga lugar na di na kakayanin kaya isasara na. May kalakarang hindi na kayang patakbuhin kaya ihihinto na. Nalulungkot lang ako na sa mga maliliit na negosyante ito nangyayari, at sa panahon pa ng pandemya talaga. Sad indeed.

Siguro affected lang ako dahil mabait ang mga taong ito sa akin. Kebs lang naman ako kung iba ito. Pero kasi, mababait sila, parang tita ko sila, may alaga, may paki, at hindi lang dahil bebentahan ka nila o bumibili ka sa kanila. There's something beyond that initial negotiation sometimes with people, and I felt that with these two women. Sayang.

Suki. That's the Filipino word for it. Suki kasi sila, suki ako. I don't even know if this word has an English translation. Customer doesn't cut it; it's deeper than that, and more meaningful to boot. Times like these I love our language. Mas maraming salitang mas niyayakap ka nang parang tao. May ganung factor. Para sa akin, at least.

Suki. Wala na ang dalawa kong suki. Di ko alam kung mapapalitan. Pero siyempre, iba na rin ang papalit. Ibang karakter, ibang kalakaran, ibang pakiramdam. Siguro, isasama ko na lang sila sa talâ ng mga nawala o nagsara sa buhay. Marami-rami na rin iyon, kung mula pa sa pagkabata ko titingnan. 

It's funny how this year opens with many closures. It's sad, actually. With what's still happening with the world, I hope the smaller people won't be affected like this much. But I know that's more of hopeful thinking than anything. Still, it's good to hope. Sometimes that's all we have to hold on to. Hope.

Hope for no more closures, perhaps. Closures due to loss. And hope for things to get better soon.

Please, universe?

Please.

booyah for brekkie

Cheers for cheerios!

Good for the heart! 

I'm not such a breakfast person, more like brunch, but there are times when you gotta eat in the morn to jumpstart your work mode. So here we are.

Though I also love all-day breakfast places, probably because I like eating breakfast, well, anytime nga! The concept is a good one, a novel one. Pero hindi pala siya novelty na bigla na lang nawawala. May sisipot at sisipot diyan sa tabi-tabi na ganyang place, and that's somehow comforting.

I still remember the very first all-day breakfast concept place na nakainan ko sa buhay ko. Sa Ortigas 'yun, mid-to-late '90s, a place like that opened sa El Pueblo Real, walking distance near my film office. Comforting siya, ewan ko kung bakit, or probably nadala din ako sa design ng blue and yellow, the usual decor for day-and-night type of places. Then a similarly sunny-decor place also opened dun sa Brick Road area sa likod ng Sta. Lucia Mall sa Marcos Hi-way. I tried it once lang, because if you're a commuter, hella place to commute to, during the '90s and early 2000s that area. Kaya luz.

But it's good that, thanks to these ride apps like GrabCar and Uber, I can now go to places where usually mahirap mag-commute papunta, lalo na kung di mo feel sumakay ng jeep kahit malapit lang dahil haggard ang mga biyahe sa rutang 'yun. Like this one we saw along Mayor Gil Fernando Ave, or formerly A. Tuazon Ave., dito sa Marikina.

That's my sweetie entering the place excitedly.
She had danggit in her silog minus the egg
while I sampled their eggs benedict on a pandesal.
OMG sarap siya bes! [June 2017]

Matteo's is a good place to eat, chika a bit, then run. The decor ain't much, and it doesn't make you wanna linger for longer. Other brekkie-style places are like that kasi, but this one, no. But it serves its purpose well, and more importantly, the food is great!

Lucky to have a partner who loves discovering eateries with me, and who loves all-day brekkie places, too. Not much of a morning person kami pareho, but all-day brekkie places are patok sa amin. So yeah, good match, eh? :)

And all is well in the universe.

Sige lafang na muna kesh. Kape later. And dive to work. 

Good morning, folks. Be well.

Sa pag-uwi

Minsan, aaminin ko, sa buhay kong ito, maraming pagkakataon na parang ayokong umuwi -- dahil nalulungkot ako sa paglalakbay patungo doon.

Walang pinipili iyan, dahil noon ko pa nararamdaman iyan, kahit saan man ako umuwi. Noong maliit pa ako, hindi ko gaanong ramdam iyan, dahil siguro sa bata pa ako at kulang pa sa muwang. Pero may konti-konting pakiramdam na rin na ganito. Maliit pa lang ako, papalit-palit na kasi ako ng bahay na tinutuluyan. Bilang unang apo sa mga Cantor, lagi akong kinukuha ng aking lola na nakatira sa Antonio Luna street sa Proj. 4 mula sa apartment compound ng mga Linsangan sa kabilang ibayo ng lugar na iyon, doon sa Bugallon street kung saan nakatira ang nanay at tatay ko mula nang ikasal at magsarili. Parang ang layo na sa akin iyon, kasi sa mumunti kong mga paa -- na kinakarga pa pala -- ay marahil limang libong hakbang iyon mula sa Bugallon hanggang sa A. Luna. Pero nang lumaki na ako, sampung minutong lakaran lang pala iyon mula sa isang bahay patungo sa kabila, at mas maikli pa kung sa mga eskinitang shortcut ka dadaan, na para kang pumasok sa rabbithole ni Alice at wala pang tatlong minuto, andun ka na sa kabilang plaza kung saan may see-saw, swing, at baras na laruan namin noon, katabi ng isang basketball court. Pero dahil hinarangan ng bahay yung eskinita, nawalan kami ng mas maikling daraanan kaya kailangan naming gawin ang tinawag ng nanay ko na "long cut." Kasi nga hindi "short cut." 

Long cut. Minsan, alam mong maikli ang daan papunta sa isang punto hanggang sa isa pa, pero mas pinipili mong magpasikut-sikot o magpaligoy-ligoy muna. Parang kapag galing ka sa libing o burol at sabi nila'y kailangan mong magpagpag muna bago umuwi, kadalasan ay hinahanap ko ang pagpag na iyon kahit wala naman akong pinanggalingang patay -- dahil minsan, pakiramdam ko ay parang may bahagi akong namamatay tuwing uuwi ako. Minsan.

Dahil sa parehong nagtatrabaho ang mga magulang ko noon, pabalik-balik ako sa lola ko hanggang sa ayaw na niya akong paalisin sana doon. Dahil matriyarkal ang bahay niyang iyon at mataray siyang babae, walang makapalag sa kanya, kahit ang panganay niyang tatay ko. Kaya tuwing may bahid na di maganda sa ugali ko noon, sinasabi niyang "spoiled ka kasi ng lola mo." Hindi ko naman naiintindihan pa ang ibig sabihin ng spoiled, kasi sa tingin ko, inaalagaan lang naman ako ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Siyempre, hindi pa hasa ang utak ko sa mas malalimang muni-muni, kaya sa mababaw na paraan ko ito naiintindihan, kung saan malinaw na itim/puti lang ang naghahari (nagrereyna?). Kaya sa naging paglalakbay ko noong bata pa ako, minsan ay di ko gusto ang pag-uwi sa isang bahay o ang pagpunta sa isa pa, lalo na nang nag-aral na ako. Dahil sa nasimulan kong mag-aral sa Quezon City, hindi agad ako pinaalis ng lola ko nang nakabili na sa wakas ng bahay na huhulugan ang mga magulang ko sa Marikina. Parang ang layo pa noon ng Marikina, liblib na lugar, walang masyadong bahay pa, puro lupa, at bakanteng lote na talahib. Ngayon siyempre, iba na ito, dahil baligtad na: puro bahay na, wala nang masyadong bakanteng lote.

Mula nang mamulat ako sa eskuwelahan noong limang taon pa lang ako, namulat din sa akin na puwede kong ituring na may dalawa akong inuuwian: ang bahay ng lola ko mula Lunes hanggang Biyernes o tuwing may pasok, at ang bahay naming pamilya sa Marikina tuwing weekend at bakasyon sa eskuwela. Parang ang saya-saya ko lang lagi tuwing uuwi ako sa Marikina, hindi dahil sa inaakibat ko ito sa presensiya ng mga magulang ko (na alam kong immature ang peg) pero ang ibig sabihin kasi ng pag-uwing iyon, wala na akong pasok sa eskuwelahang madalas ay nabu-bully ako. Kaya precious sa akin ang tuwing uuwi sa Marikina kasi kasa-kasama ko din ang nanay ko at kapatid tuwing Sabado dahil manonood kami ng sine sa Cubao, kahit underage ako para sa sine, kasi maraming kaibigang takilyera ang nanay ko. Minsan kapag Linggo naman, dadalhin kami ng tatay ko kung saanman may bagong restaurant o kainan na gusto nilang tikman. Kaya bata pa lang ako, alam ko na ang maraming fast food tulad ng Shakey's at Cindy's at alam ko na rin ang mga resto tulad ng Aristocrat at Barrio Fiesta. 

Nag-iba ang pakiramdam ng uwiang ito noong haiskul ako. Dahil sa nilalakad ko lang ang bahay namin mula sa nilipatan kong eskuwelahan sa Marikina na, parang pantay na lang ang palagay ko sa pakiramdam ng pag-uwi. Kahit noong nasa kolehiyo ako, hindi ko rin iniinda na ang pag-uwi o kung may pakiramdam ba ito ng saya o lungkot tulad noong elementary ako. Pero hindi rin naman malungkot tuwing pupunta ako sa lola ko, kasi nga paborito akong apo, maraming perks din iyon, at para ko na rin siyang naging pangalawang ina sa mga panahong iyon. Hindi ko lang maalis sa mura kong isipan na ang ibig sabihin ng pag-uwi sa Proj. 4 ay kaakibat ng may pasok kasi sa eskuwelahang di masaya para sa akin na pasukan.

Iba nga sa haiskul. Dumadalaw-dalaw pa rin kami kay lola pero mas madalas kapag may okasyon na lang, tulad ng birthday at lalo na kapag Pasko. Kaya ang alaala ko ng Pasko ay doon nakadikit sa bahay na iyon, sa side ng pamilyang iyon, dahil siguro sa mas maliit siya at intimate kami, di tulad sa Linsangan na napakarami kami at medyo matatanda na ang karamihan sa pinsan kong hindi ko pa nahahabol sa maturity man lang. Masaya naman doon dahil sa andun ang nanay kong mahal ko, pero mas masaya sa Proj. 4 dahil andun ang nanay ko at ang lola kong pangalawa kong ina. Kaya masarap umuwi sa Proj. 4 kung may ganung pakiramdam noon.

Siyempre iba na rin noong na-petition ang lola at lolo ko sa Canada, kung saan naroon na ang 85% ng nakalakihan kong pamilya sa A. Luna. Kaya may panahon ding malungkot nang umuwi sa Proj. 4, kahit dalaw man lang, lalo na nang mamatay na nga si lola at si lolo na rin, sa kalaunan. Pero may ganun nga yatang panahon, na kailangan mong tanggapin na minsan, masakit ang ilang pag-uwi. Pero iba 'yan nang natuto akong mag-solo sa buhay. Dahil sa siguro ay magkaugali kami ng tatay ko, di kami magkasundo madalas sa iisang bubungan habang lumalaki ako. Kaya mas ginugusto ko ang hindi pa umuwi noong pagkatapos ko ng kolehiyo. Siyempre, bilang lumalaking teenager, may kahalo itong pagtuklas sa mundo, na kadalasa'y di tugma sa mga patakaran ng tatay. Sinunod ko naman ang sinabi niya sa akin isang beses na nag-away kami, "habang nakatira ka sa bahay ko, susundin mo ako." Kaya umalis na lang ako, at naghanap ng sarili kong bahay, lalo na noong matapos na akong mag-kolehiyo. Na natagpuan ko naman, paulit-ulit, sa ilan ding apartment na nirentahan ko mula noong umalis ako sa amin. 

Nakakalokang isipin na ang minsan mong bahay-bakasyunang masayang inuuwian noong bata ka pa ay magiging mabigat sa damdaming uwian dahil sa ilang nakatira dito, na nakakasira ng pakiramdam mo sa tinutuluyan mo. Masakit sa aking isiping hindi na nga ako lumaki sa nanay ko habang bata ako, tapos eto at lalayasan ko na naman siya nang lumaki na ako. Parang kolehiyo lang talaga kami nagsama nang tunay at lubos. Kaya nga ngayong mas matanda na ako at mas nauunawaan ko na ang maraming bagay, mas madalas na akong "umuwi" sa kanya, ibig sabihin madalas kaming mag-hang out at magkita sa labas, at ihahatid ko lang siya pauwi, o kaya'y hihinto ako doon minsan para kumain ng luto niya o putaheng nadiskubre niya sa mga karinderya.  

Pero mula nang umalis ako sa bahay naming iyon noong 22 years old ako, hindi na ako bumalik pa at natulog doon. Ni minsan. Ewan ko ba pero may hinahanap na ding kalayaan ang utak at damdamin ko noon na parang hindi ko nakukuha sa bahay naming iyon noong lumaki na ako. At alam kong alam ng nanay ko iyon, kaya hindi sumama ang loob niya sa akin nang gawin ko iyon. Napapagod na rin siguro siyang maging referee naming mag-ama sa madalas na bangayan. 

Lumabas ako sa Marikina para mas mapalapit ako sa mga bagay na pinagkakaabalahan ko sa buhay noon, na pawang nasa Quezon City o karatig-siyudad nito. Nakailang lipat din ako ng apartment, sa sampung taong nilagi ko doon, na noong una ay may kasama ako sa buhay na ka-live-in na partner, na sa paglaon ay naghihiwalay kaya housemate naman na mga kaibigang matalik sa kolehiyo. Na nilayasan ko rin nang muling magka-partner, hanggang sa nagsolo na ako nang naghiwalayan din iyon. Noong mga panahong una kong ginawa ito, kahit minsan ay nahihirapan na ako sa gastusin at naiisip ko nang bumalik sa amin, minsang sinabi ng isang kaibigang matalik na "What price freedom?" Tama naman siya, at alam kong mas tama iyon. Kaya dedma na rin sa isa kong tita, ang pinaka-ate ng nanay ko, nang lagi niyang sinasabi sa akin na "may bahay kayo, bakit hindi ka doon umuuwi?" Naku tita, hindi kasi ako tulad ng mga anak mo, mga pinsan kong mas matanda sa akin, na kahit nag-asawa at anak na, diyan pa rin sa iyo lahat nakatira, at ikaw pa rin ang nagpapakain sa kanila hanggang sa ngayon. Ang kalayaan sa akin ay ang makahanap ng sarili kong pamamaraan para buhayin ang sarili ko, kahit doble-triple kayod minsan ang kailangan dahil sa may binabayaran akong renta sa bahay sa ibabaw ng mga bills na binabayaran nating lahat. 

Kaya siguro mas iba ang dating sa akin ng pag-uwi sa mga apartment noong solo na akong umuuwi doon, walang partner o walang housemate. Kung nagkaka-partner man ako, may sarili kasi siyang inuuwian kaya hati kami sa panahon sa mga tirahan. Pero lagi akong may sariling akin, at kung pupuwede nga lang, dito na lang sila sa akin tumira, dahil sa hindi ko naman kayang makitira minsan sa kung nasaan sila dahil nga sa may iba silang kasama sa bahay na kapamilya o kung anuman. Sa pag-uwi-uwi kong ito sa mga apartment ko, dito ko simulang naramdaman na masarap magkaroon ng sariling kuweba kung saan puwede ka munang magtago mula sa mundo at mag-muni-muni o mag-relaks lang nang walang inaalalang ibang tao. Nakukuha ko rin naman iyon kapag paminsa-minsan ay may partner ako, pero iba kasi kapag may kasama pa kaming iba sa bahay, tulad nang dating may partner ako at yung kaibigan namin ay housemate din namin. Nakukuha ko din naman iyon noong nagsisimula akong magsolo, lalo na noong may housemate ako at yun ang una kong tikim doon, na may sarili na akong mini-kuweba (kuwarto) sa isang bahay na kami lang ng mga kabatak ko ang nagpapaandar, hindi kami nakaasa sa magulang o sinumang mas mataas sa amin. Pantay kami, at kami ang may kontrol. 

Pero di ko alam na tuwing ihahatid pala ako ng mga magulang ko sa mga apartment ko, awang-awa ang tatay ko sa akin kasi nagrerenta lang ako. O kaya ay dahil hindi gaanong kapita-pitagan ang tinitirhan ko sa paningin niya? O ewan ko kung ano pa ang iba niyang dahilan, pero kinuwento ito ng nanay ko sa akin minsan kaya pumayag silang maghanap na lang kami ng mas permanenteng mauuwian ko, na palagay ko ay pagtanggap na rin nila na kailangan kong umuwi sa sarili kong tirahan na hindi sa kanila. At dahil sa napapagod na rin akong magbayad ng renta sa isang tirahang hindi naman sa akin, napagdesisyunan nilang tulungan ako sa paghanap ko ng condo para sa akin. Na natagpuan namin dito sa bayan naming muli, pero sa mas bungad, hindi sa malayuan tulad ng kung nasaan sila. Natutuwa siguro sila na mas malapit na ako sa kanila ngayon, simula nang tumira akong muli sa Marikina noong 34 na ako. Na hanggang ngayong malapit na akong mag-43, narito pa rin ako sa santuwaryo kong tinuturing na ilang barangay lang ang layo sa bahay namin.

Pero aaminin kong noong simula ng pagbalik ko dito, malaki ang kaakibat na lungkot minsan tuwing uuwi ako dito. Marahil nakadikit ito sa mga panahong hindi ko na gustong umuwi dito sa Marikina, sa bahay namin na nilayasan ko, at ang mga lumang pakiramdam na mabigat ay parang bumabalik-balik sa akin kahit na mas matanda na ako. Ano ba naman yun na ang angst ng 22 ay nararamdaman ko pa noong 32-39 na ako? Kahit noong 40. Paiba-iba yan kasi; minsan sobrang tuwa ko kapag uuwi ako dito, pero minsan sobrang lungkot ko tuwing uuwi rin akong mag-isa. May kinalaman ba ito sa pagkakaroon ng partner o wala? Minsan, oo, pero hindi naman yata lagi. Lalo na't noong nagkaroon ako ng mas batang partner na tumira sa akin dito nang halos dalawang taon, nahirapan akong ipagpag ang negatibo sa pag-uwi ko dito noong wala na siya. Kung noon, mas madaling ipagpag ang pakiramdam ng bigat dahil sa apartment lang iyon at puwede mo rin siyang layasan kapag nilayasan mo na ang isang relasyon, dito mahirap ayusin ang chi dahil sa dito na ako nakatira, binabayaran hanggang ngayon, na sa paglaon ay mapapasaakin din. Kaya talagang nakakaloka na para akong sinapian ng feng shui expert na inayos ko ang lugar ng mga gamit ko, eh saan ko pa ito iiikot sa liit ng espasyo kong ito? Na sa huli ay ang ginawa ko, pinalitan ko halos lahat ng kasangkapan ko dito sa bahay, basta lahat ng puwede kong mapalitan: dining table, couch, cabinet, shelf, parang engrandeng sale na hindi, kasi pinamigay ko lang naman lahat yun sa isang tita kong nangangailangan. Maganda rin ang timing ng pera noon dahil kinaya kong palitan ang mga ito. Pero dapat yata ay isinama ko ang kama dito sa pagpapalit na ito, ano? Pero mukha namang wala nang epekto ito, dahil sa nang umaliwalas na ang pakiramdam ko, marahil ay umaliwalas na rin ang kung anuman nanikit na negatibo sa tinutulugan ko.

Napakahabang naratibo nito, tungkol lang sa pag-uwi. Ewan ko ba pero naramdaman ko lang nung isang araw kasi ito, muli, na parang naiisip ko ang pakiramdam ng pag-uwi, mula Cubao lang naman, na naaalala ko kung gaano kalungkot minsan ang pakiramdam ko ng pag-uwi dito, dahil yata sa nag-iisa ako sa buhay. Pero hindi naman "hinahanap" ng sistema ko ang kalungkutang ito; napaisip lang ako na may kalungkutan nga pala dati na nararamdaman ako. Matagal ko na ring hindi nararamdaman ito kasi, mula noong 2011 siguro, matapos kong tuluyang mapagpag ang pakiramdam ng umalis na partner na tumira dito. Minsan, ang pag-uwi ko ay may kaakibat na lungkot pa rin, pero hindi na nakaangkla ito sa mas malalimang hugot di tulad noong mas bata-bata ako. Marahil ay naging komportable na ako sa kung anuman ang dumating na baraha sa akin sa buhay: single, hindi single, go. Hindi ko ikamamatay ang pagiging single pero hindi ko rin pahahabain ang isang relasyon kung ipit ako dito, di tulad ng ginawa ko noong bata-bata pa ako sa mga relasyon. At hindi na doon nakadikit ang kalungkutan ng pag-uwi, lalo na noong naging 40 na ako. Siyempre, sabi ng isa kong matalik na kaibigan dati, malungkot minsan kasi naghahanap tayo ng intimacy, kapalagayang loob, katuwang sa buhay, at lagi niyang pinipilit na, kahit ilang beses pang sumemplang ang mga relasyon ko, may nakatago daw diyan na "da wan" para sa akin/amin. Hindi ko na lang sinabi sa kanya na hindi naman ako naniniwala doon. Basta kung may dumating, meron. Kung wala, wala. At dapat kampante at handa ako doon -- na oo, noon pa naman ay kampante na at handa. Pero siyempre, paminsan-minsan ay maiisip mong mas masaya kung meron, pero hindi ibig sabihin nito ay malungkot kapag wala. Dapat masaya lang lagi ang peg. May pag-asa, pero huwag umasa. Kaya nga naka-tattoo sa akin yan: hope, and keep busy. Habang buhay, may pag-asa, pero huwag umasa nang umasa; dapat ang kaligayahan mo ay galing sa sarili mong balon. Huwag humukay sa iba.

Life rewrites at 40, sabi ko nga ilang taon na ang nakalipas. Wala na daw sa kalendaryo ito, sabi nila, pero nasa star charts pa rin naman ako, forever. Age of Aquarius na o kung anuman iyon na ineksplika ng kaibigan kong sumisilip sa mga ganitong astrological chart. May kaakibat daw na kalinawan ang maraming bagay kapag narating mo ang isa sa mga tinaguriang "age" na ito. Marahil ay ito nga ang nangyari sa akin. Wala na akong bahid ng lungkot sa pag-uwi na ang pinanggagalingan ay ang kawalan ng pag-ibig o pagkakaroon nito pero palpak naman ang pagtakbo. Marahil nga ay kailangan ko ng partner na mas nakakaintindi ng mga bagay-bagay na ganito, dahil siya rin ay may ganito sa sarili niyang mundo. Iyon ang masarap uwian -- yung tunay na nakakaintindi, na alam niyang kahit wala pa kayo sa iisang bubong, mayabong pa rin ang paglago ng tinanim niyong puno. At masarap uwian ang kasamang may pangarap: na isang araw, uuwi rin kayo sa iisang bubong na pareho niyong ginusto. Kaya kampante ako na there's a girl who really gets it, and gets it good -- and gets it for real.

Kaya hindi simpleng usapin ang tirahan, ang pag-uwi, ang pagtira, o mga kaakibat na bagay dito. Hindi tayo simpleng mga nilalang kasi, kaya kailangan nating maintindihan na iba-iba ang ibig sabihin ng mga bagay-bagay sa mga tao. Ewan ko kung bakit sumagi sa isipan ko ang lahat ng ito noong isang araw na hinahatid ako ng taxi pauwi: na naalala kong dati ay nalulungkot akong umuwi dito sa condo, pero parang ang tagal tagal tagal na nun. Mga 2012 nga pala mula nang maramdaman ko iyon, pero huling beses na nga iyon. Pero mas natuwa nga ako sa isiping hindi ko na nararamdaman ito, na kahit minsan ay malungkot akong uuwi, hindi ako nalulungot nang dahil sa pag-uwi. Magkaiba kasi iyon. 

Where will I take this post home? Nowhere, for now. Naisip ko lang mag-blog muli dito kanina, pagkagising ko, at ilabas itong naratibo ng pag-uwi na sumundot sa isipan ko noong isang gabi nga. Marahil ang nakukuha ko dito ay, hindi lang naman pisikal ang ibig sabihin ng pag-uwi. Metaphysical din siya, madalas philosophical, and sometimes, ethereal. They say that home is where the heart is. I believe that, but also, I think it's better to think that home is where your heart is, enveloped with peace of mind and calmness of soul, because it's not only love that you have to find a home for. So I think I'll just leave it at that, and say -- I'm back.

La luna e mio dio, I used to say upon learning Italian 

in HS (pardon the ungrammatical structure). 

The essence stays the same, year in and year out. 

It truly guides me home, wherever home might be. 

[March 2016 Marikina]

Yes, I'm back.    

Who woulda thought? It figures.

It's great to see the sun shining brightly today. 

 today's view from my bed

I swear, I've never been happier to see this sun shine. This week was just crazy. Super-duper crazy. I mean, who would have thought that we were gonna have another Ondoy in our midst, in the same lifetime??? I swear, 2009 was deja vu-ed all over again last Tuesday as Marikina experienced flooding again, but not that isolated. Sadly, this time, it was Quezon City that was hit hard first. Pictures coming out of my Twitter feed revealed knee-high, thigh-high, waist-deep, chest-deep waters in familiar territories I frequent, areas I never experienced to have waters that much before, like Philcoa for instance. That was crazy. 

Last Tuesday. Street at the back of my building is my barometer if things are worse. 

No flood, it's generally okay. Floods like this, then the river ran wild again.

In front of the mall, waters rose to waist-high, they said, many hours after I took this photo, 

making it impossible to pass through this area going in and out of Marikina.

Of course the usual suspects were already there on the list, like Pasig and us here in Marikina. But what surprised me this time was Cainta. I mean man, all points going inside this area from my area was all blocked by floods. This made me sad because I was hoping to get a glimpse of my girlfriend before she flies off to work again abroad. The last time I saw her was when her mother was laid to rest last Sunday. Never even got a chance to kiss her properly, just a simple goodbye beso, I think, and a quick hug. Even the hug felt obligatory since we were in their house and well, we are still on the down low there even if I think everybody already knows. You know how most families have the "don't ask don't tell" principle when it comes to these relationships. (wrote about that before: read here) We're not totally out to them yet so we're still playing it by ear. But I think her other family members already got the idea with my presence there during the wakes. I think I even sensed a nod of recognition from her kuya when he asked me to help him secure the pews on the church during the final mass. I appreciated that small gesture; meant a huge deal. Not sure about the dad, though, but I think her dear mom also gave the nod already before she left. (And, for a brief moment, after. Yes sometimes my senses are open that way, too.) Sometimes, you just feel these things, and you have to trust what you feel. I'm good with that. 

Thursday scene. Took a walk to survey things outside. 

River still overflowed overtaking the jog and bike lanes on the banks.

Things looking a bit ominous on the other side of the river. See the bar places 

at the left side getting overtaken by the river again. Goodbye inuman for now.

But well, I guess you can't fight with mother nature. I was just glad that she was able to make it out of their flooded town, and even gladder that her sis and dad were able to get back in unharmed. See, in times like these, abilidad talaga ang nangingibabaw, kasama na ang dasal siyempre, at ang kasagutan dito ng sumagot sa ating dasal. Told her to just have faith that they'll make it, because I know they won't get harmed. Yes, sometimes, you have to trust your instincts and have faith in things, too. 

My family is another story. Veterans of the Provident Village mishap, they learned already. My tita's house there is already abandoned and my tito's now with my cousin and my other cousin is settled somewhere else. Just one cousin left there and good thing they were able to go out before the waters rose again. Too bad for my other tita's house that got submerged again, this time in Twinville subdivision. I don't know what they'll do with that now. They were able to recover it last time. Well, we'll see. As for my folks, they're okay and good. Our house is in a higher area in our village so no worries there. 

Thanks to the weather bureau/science dept initiative Project NOAH, 

I was able to "spy"on my parents' house in reel-time to see if the area 

was affected by floods. Gotta love technology this way. 

Good thing I'm also in higher ground. Waters didn't even reach the lobby like before. Everything's back to normal and business as usual around this area so it's good. My favorite neighborhood coffice place was just closed the last time I went down so I don't know if they're open already. So I just decided to stay in today and write here.

Good thing my outside world connections were also intact during those times. I'm so fucking glad I got a cable TV subscription early this year, and decided to avail of it for one whole year. I was able to see what was going on around me, outside and everywhere. The great news footage were helpful to relay news to people who need it, who didn't have access. Also tweeted some photos of the floods to several news carriers so I'm glad my internet was alive and well during that time. Times like these, my internal media person kicks in talaga, the default set-up to report things happening. My inner (photo)journalist is still there, thank goddess. It comes in handy. And actually, I've been thinking of tapping into that more, but that's for another blogpost na lang.

photos processed via instagram

What a week. What a way to start a new month. Endings, washings, being knocked down but having the gall not to stay down. As always, we get up, and we just don't stand up, we walk and forge on ahead. We remember lessons from these circumstances, but we also learn how to move on. Like what the current affirmative posters circulating says, the Filipino spirit is waterproof. 

Not only waterproof but creative as well. As always. Photo grabbed from here.

Indeed, it is. Never believe otherwise.
 

haggard na me, tanga na u?

...also known as the globelines epic saga repair...

hay at last, my continuing saga with globelines' idiocy ended this week. it's supposedly my first week of classes but i decided to push it back to next week, also to give time to the kiddies to polish their projects, as i know, from experience, that the first week back after the yuletide holidays are the slooooowest sa kanilang katawan at lalo na sa utak (iyon ay kung hindi pa given na slowness talaga ang utak-utakan nila, but that's another angst post).


right before ondoy hit, mga 2-3 days before, i reported that wala kaming makuhang internet connection kaya supposedly, that saturday when ondoy hit, a repair crew were on their way here from mandaluyong. they called once to say they are on their way, and then after 3 hours, they called again to say they cannot make it due to the rising flood waters in mandaluyong. and of course, after that call, the rest is philippine natural calamity disaster history.

come october, i received my latest billing for the september cycle (my cutoff date is every 12th of the month) and i checked if i am being billed for the time i had no service (our condo buildings were all victimized without phone lines the rest of 2009 since september ondoy). we were all ready to take the consequences because we understood the enormous amount of time, effort and of course money the repairs would take. nag-swimming kaya lahat dito sa ground floor, na umabot hanggang kisame ng lobby ang tubig-baha, leaving the gym, day care room, the admin office, all elevators, function rooms, mailboxes, electricity and phonelines thingamajigs under the sea. ayuz. so kaya october and november passed and we still didn't have any phone lines, although the electricity and water supply came back and normalized mga within two weeks after ondoy so bet lang. the phone lines are a different story.

my dad has been a longtime manager of pldt all his working life before he retired and he knew about repairs and stuff like that, and he found a lot of anomalies both the building admins and globelines were doing which made subscribers like me suffer unnecessarily. in the end, globe had more problems than the admin side, as i found out the masaklap way.

two months and a day after ondoy, globe gave us all love letters and said that repairs are still ongoing and part of it is that we all need to have our phone number changed, a move which my father says is unnecessary because those are merely numbers assignment. during that time, we monitored the phone and found out that there was a dialtone already by november 26 but we cannot make outgoing calls or receive incoming ones; you just hear a recording from globe saying calls still cannot be made chenelyn. we also had to sign a form that we are okay-ing the new number reassignment and so i went to globelines in sm marikina to submit that form. that was december 4. they said in 2-3 days' time, my new phone number will be operational and thus my old package of phone line+broadband will resume automatically. in addition, a repair crew will visit my place and check my internet connection which i originally asked them to do before ondoy.

of course, hindi naganap iyon. nasa pilipinas tayo, remember? inept customer service land.

december 7, i discovered that i already have a working dialtone and i can call outside na. but the incoming, wala. so i called globe to ask about it, plus the internet thingie. may darating daw na crew in 2-3 days' time to see the problem. lumipas iyon at walang naganap. so tinesting namin. i asked my mother, who lives in a faraway and higher place village here in marikina, too, where i grew up, to call the new number and old number i had, just to see what's working. the old one isn't working, pero sa new one, may sumagot. aha, at ang sumagot... kapitbahay ko. sa higher floor than me. aba teka, malabo. so i reported this to globelines at least twice, and they have a term for it: interchange of numbers. so now, i don't know what number is working sa akin sa outgoing calls. i told them that i don't care if they give me my old number or another number, as long as i have a number and an internet connection!

again, hindi naganap ito... kaagad.

eto na. nakaka-apat na yata akong tawag sa globe at nakaka-tatlong bigay na sila ng customer reference number, dahil ilang ulit palang kinansela ang repair crew visit dito sa unit ko dahil may "ongoing system maintenance" sa buong building daw. ang bilin ko lang lagi, sana sa cellphone nila ako tawagan dahil di ko alam ano'ng phone number ang gumagana nga sa telepono ko. oo daw.

mapagpasensiya naman akong tao kaya dinedma ko na ulit ito, until i found out na may repair crew palang pupunta sana dito, at ang tinawagan nila ay ang phone number kong bago na sa kapitbahay ko bumabagsak. and what's worse is that nung hanapin daw nila ako doon para sabihing may system maintenance pa rin kaya di pa rin sila makakapunta, ang sagot ng isang taong nakausap nila na itago natin sa pangalang nicole eugenio ay "wala po siya rito" (meaning me, dahil they asked for me) at nang tinanong kung sino si nicole, sabi niya ay "pamangkin po niya ako." TUMBLING!!!!! dahil ang nakatira lang sa unit ko ay ako siyempre at ang girlfriend ko, at hindi nicole eugenio ang pangalan niya. HAGGARD!!!! at wala kaming paranormal resident by the name of nicole eugenio na kayang itaas ang telepono at sumagot. nubah!

so finally, nakarinig sa akin ang globe, thrice yata, reiterating na please, ano ba ang mahirap intindihin sa "tawagan niyo ako sa cellphone kapag pupunta kayo dito" dahil nga sa hindi sa akin bumabagsak ang landline calls kundi sa kapitbahay!!!! by that time, tinubuan na ako ng aking unang set of white hairs. pramis teh!!!!!!

ang ending, nagpunta dito ang globe once, right before christmas, kung kelan naman sumaglit kaming nag-late lunch sa mall sa tabi, and we were gone for like 30 minutes lang. no, they never called my cellphone. the next visit, right before new year, may dumaan daw ulit sabi ng lobby guard pero wala daw tao. e ang jowa was in the banyo naliligo dahil susunod siya sa akin sa riverbanks mall at kasalukuyan akong may student consultation meetings doon, kaya di naman alam kung ano'ng katok ang ginawa nila. again, they never called sa cellphone. hay... okay fine, baka nga naman di narinig dahil nasa banyo, so sige lang...

so eto na, nag-taning na ako. i called up again and dictated na, na hindi ako papasok sa opisina for them from jan 4-7 kaya dapat lumanding sila sa haybol ko sa days na iyon, kundi, i was already set on getting skycable with broadband, and a wireless bayantel landline. okay na ko, naidulog ko na sa universe, at ayoko na sa globe. pero jan 4, aba dumating, isang gusgusin-looking repairman at 6.30pm, naka-tsinelas. okay, inayos niya naman ang phone, at di ko talaga siya pinaalis hangga't di ko nache-check lahat ng kelangan i-check: incoming, outgoing, internet. all go. sige, lusot, alis na siya. all is good. farmville ako buong magdamag.

until the next day.

dahil nga sa gabi siya nag-repair at ang phone line box ko ay nasa loob ng kuwartong dark-colored walls, aba, nung umaga ko lang nakita na ang pag-yank pala niya sa aking phone box ay hindi maingat, at sa kasamaang palad, natuklap ng bonggang-bonga ang malinis at makinis na paint job ng wall ko. punyeta talaga. madilim kasi yung wall na iyon nung gabi dahil nasa gilid ng kama, kaya ayun... hay. naglunod na lang ako sa sine, chocolate mousse at isaw para mawala ang bad trip ko.

pero di pa diyan nagtatapos ito. dahil kinabukasan, biglang nawala naman ang net connection ko sa kalagitnaan ng aking surfing. at mga 2-3 days ko ring kinalabog ang aking techie friend na si roda for help, na nakatulong naman nung una, pero sa paglaon, pareho na kaming namisteryosohan sa prublema (pero i still love you roda just the same!!!! ililibre kita margarita sa susunod na pagkikita!)... until i tried to do a simple thing kanina right before this post. yung internet cable na naka-rekta from globe modem to my wifi router sa lan1 slot, i tried to put sa lan2 slots (kasi hanggan lan4 ang slots doon), wala lang, nothing to lose, and tatataaaaaaaaaaaaaan! eto na. tanga na me. haggard na u? okay na ang broadband life ko. kaya makakapag-blog na naman ako ng walang katapusan.

hayyyyyyyyyyst.

but wait, there's more!!!!!

aba hindi pa tapos ang pagtutuos sa globe!

as soon as the globe gusgusin guy fixed our phone last monday, i immediately went to sm marikina the next day with my mom to ensure that i will not be billed for the past month that they activated my phone (dec 5-7) until the time they actually repaired my phone (jan 4). too late kasi, dahil naka-receive ako ng automatically-generated phone bill covering november to december 09 asking me to pay my bill package worth 1k something. e gago ba sila, wala ngang phone line that time, e. ano babayaran ko? this is war!!!

in fairness naman to them, by november, right after we received that change of number letter, we received a billing statement enumerating their Globe Bangon Pinoy rebate package, and they gave us rebates na binawas-bawas sa supposed bills namin at the time na walang serbisyo, at ang sumatutal nga ng sa akin, may extra pa akong 400 pesos na sobrang binigay sa akin bilang rebate. tinawagan ko pa ang globe twice to check and recheck this, and to ensure na wala na talaga akong pending amount to pay, aside from studying and scrutinizing the itemized rebate billing statements they gave, which all looked proper and in order. wala naman daw akong utang o babayaran. so happiness, right? wrong!!!

when i went to sm marikina last monday, this newbie-looking customer service guy was assigned to me, at eto ang sample conversation namin.

siya: how can i help po?

me: kahapon lang ako nakabitan ulit ng linya kaya gusto kong ipa-adjust itong latest billing statement ko dahil wala naman ako dapat bayaran during this time.

kalikot siya sa computer, take notes-take notes, for 7 minutes. then...

siya: mam, eto po ang mga billing statements ng account ninyo, at may utang pa po kayong 400something pesos, dahil hindi niyo po nabayaran sa cut-off ninyong sept 12 to sept 26 na nag-ondoy.

me: huwat??? e ilang beses kong tinawagan ang globe, a, at sinabing wala na akong pending payment.

siya: ito po yung nakalagay sa account niyo, o (hinarap ang computer monitor sa akin).

me: e may rebate nga ako that time e, at may extra 400 pa ako sa inyo, so dapat mag-zero balance yun, kung may utang akong 400 at kayo may binigay na 400 sa akin, di ba? e wala naman yang utang na sinasabi mo sa any of my bill statements.

at this point, inulit-ulit kong tanungin kung nasaan yung sinasabi niyang utang at itinuturo niya ang isang accounting scheme na hindi lumabas ever sa mga statements ko. ever.

me: bakit ngayon ko lang nakita iyan? bakit wala iyan sa past two bills ko? saan niyo hinugot iyan? bayad na ako sa lahat, a!

siya: mam, i-disregard niyo na lang po ang last two bills ninyo dahil ito po ang mas tama. mali po kasi iyan.

me: ano????? paano naging mali ito????

siya: masyado pong mataas kasi ang naibigay sa inyong rebate kaya negative 400 pesos ang nakalagay sa account ninyo, kaya tignan niyo yung latest bill, nagdagdag sila ng 600 pesos na positive, para mawala yung negative.

true enough, may 600 pesos additional service doon covering nov-dec 09, basic phone package amount daw ito -- sa panahong walang teleponong gumagana sa akin!!!!!! nubahhhhhhh!

me: huh???? ano???? e bakit nila ako bibigyan ng mataas na rebate tapos babawiin din later?

eto ang tumbling niyang sagot.

siya: mam kaya nga po kami nandito para itama ang mga mali sa statement ninyo at para sagutin ang mga concerns ninyo.

me: ano??? ang sinasabi mo, may mali kayong ginawa, tapos kayo din ang tatama sa mali ninyo???

siya: opo.

me: ano'ng logic nun? e bakit kami ang magsa-suffer kung may prublema pala kayo!

siya: kaya nga po i-disregard niyo na lang ang last two statements ninyo kasi mali yun. ito pong nasa computer ang tama.

me: alam mo, parang walang logic ang explanation mo. bakit mali ang binibigay sa aming statements?

siya: hindi po perfect ang system.

ay naku, teh, makailang ulit kaming umikot sa mga ito, kaya after 30 minutes, i simply gave up, paid the damn 400 pesos daw na utang ko, and just made sure they won't bill me again for an absent phone service.

potah, sa bata ko pang ito, dahil lang sa kanila kaya ako tinubuan ng white hairs! tangeeena.

asar.

tapos ang pagtatapos, di pa pala nila in-activate lahat ng features sa package ko, namely the direct distance dialing, so i can't make calls to cellphones and long distance calls.

hay buhay sa pilipinas, hangsayasayaaaaaaa!

kaloka.

parang sarap tuloy mag-migrate, hane? parang masaya talaga sa vancouver...

ewan.

siya, iwan ko na muna ito ang magcho-chocolate mousse muna ulit akoh.

ay, happy new year nga pala.

sunday semi-sunrise musings over orange breakfast

it's eight minutes before nine in the morning of a sunday as i type this. and this is extraordinary given my circumstances.

i am so not a morning person but since i moved into this condo of mine more than a year ago, i find myself being more active in the morning, especially with my writing. be it journaling, my weekly column or scriptwriting chore and other writing things, i find the cool breeze of the morning invigorating my writing senses. and i like that a lot.

but today is different. i woke up by six or so, mainly because my girlfriend has a big day today and she has to wake up early to go. and it felt like a nice morning to work out, something i've been meaning to do again since the start of this year. i usually walk around marikina sports park which is less than five minutes away from my condo, and i thought i'd check it out and see if i could do that today.

i began my workout by dressing up properly and doing some sitting. yes, zen type of meditation sitting, also known as zendo. two months ago, i began joining the zen center sitting meditations there at provident village. i didn't know that place was there and yet i've known provident all my life, or since our relatives moved there when i was small and we visited them a lot. i was supposed to start on their beginner's module but i became busy that month and so i had to postpone the further sessions. i plan to join them at the next round, but it's sad that the zen center was one of the places devastated by ondoy. now they do the sitting somewhere else, and i did mine here at home first.

it was a good sit, enough to pump me up to walk. but alas, i could not do that at the sports park, still. a third of the middle greenery part is still occupied by tents that housed displaced families from the ondoy onslaught. i saw several morning joggers and walkers trying to get a feel of the sports park inside, from the outside. i actually saw a pair of walkers coming out of the park as i arrived there at the sides outside. i guess it's still not back to normal for some of us here in marikina. i wonder what will happen to those evacuees. i hope they get their lives back on track the soonest. i saw a lot of children there, and it's just not right to have those kids live like that. but what to do? it has been a month since the ondoy tragedy and yet many lives all over are still derailed. a colleague was right -- just what "normal" do we go back to after that? there's no answer for that yet.

so like the other joggers and walkers, i opted to walk around outside the sports park and along the streets near the market area and around. it was a good chance for me to check out our usual haunts, whether they are operational already or still shut down. i also passed some places where i discovered stuff, like a place that sold those tanned puto thingies i bought before, which i could also buy at the market. but this place seemed to be the source of the puto, so i bought it there. that was cool.

all in all, it took me at least an hour to walk all around the bayan area. and i ended up at the market, at the side where the fruits were sold. since i still owe my girlfriend some fruits pasalubong from last week, i thought of buying some now for her, so that when she comes home later, she'll have some fresh stuff to munch on. we've been munching on artificial snacks and processed food all week, since we went on a grocery shopping spree last monday. we didn't buy fruits and veggies because we weren't sure of our stay-home hours this week, but next week we already know, so there. trying out a grapefruit as i type this, along with the tanned mini-puto rounds with a sliver of cheese on top, and the 15-peso market carinderya spaghetti i have grown to love -- hence the orange breakfast.

more of our grocery shopping adventure and other grocery woes during ondoy are narrated here at leaflens karinderya. that's my new blog project, a narration of buhay-pinas and foodie stuff with photos. i've been meaning to try wordpress kasi dati pa pero cumbersome for a not-so-techie like me. kaya nung nagkaroon ng another option (from .org to .com nila) i tried it na. i mean to blog more these days actually, because that's one of the things i miss the most -- writing about stuff and having people read them. nakakatuwa nga na may followers na ang blog na ito officially. thanks for reading folks. and please feel free to comment. dialogue exchange is what i encourage in my blogs, too.

i think this is the start of a lot of starting things in my life. so many negativity has surrounded me this past semester in school and in other places as well, and i plan to shake off those negativity by doing new stuff and reactivating doing old stuff i love doing as well, such as writing here. i was just a bit saddened by those negativity since last wednesday, and i've already ranted about that to my closest friends. and now, i decide to leave all those behind, and leave this whole week -- and the whole bad semester -- behind. life's too short to focus on people whose main objective in life is to destroy people around them. my heart bleeds for them, they who have no happy hearts to begin with. i do not want to end up like them.

more adventures next time.

and thanks once again for reading, and for asking about my well-being and safety during these troubled times. be well, all.

non-sequitur-ian quickie-ness updates and such

again an update of sorts. thanks for reading, folks.

sunday early evening, nearly 7pm. wrapping up my wifi experience here at sm marikina, na buti naman pala at bukas. mahabang kuwento (or rerouting) kung bakit kami napadpad dito.

my gf and i were holed in sa sss village since wednesday night. we didn't go home at the condo sa bayan and sleep there. mainit at malamok, bad combination for our skins and sinusitis, lalu na't ang paligid ng bayan ay maalikabok na dahil sa nanigas na putik na naging dusty sa kapaligiran, tapos bumuhos pa ang ulang mula sa isa pang typhoon, si pepeng. kaya wednesday and thursday, doon lang kami sa parents ko. my friend abby, whose family also have a condo sa building ko, texted me na naibalik na ang kuryente sa buildings friday lunchtime. buti naman. pero dahil nga sa ulan, hindi na muna kami pinaalis ng parents ko, also a subtle way of saying they'll miss us siguro, kasi wala silang kakulitang iba doon sa amin. so we stayed until saturday afternoon, tutal birthday ng tatay ko noong sabado, so we spent some time with them muna. saka bumalik na ang cable tv nila, so babad kami sa harap ng history channel. ayuz.

he turned 62 this year. this was his rotc photo yata.
na-unearth ko lang sa photo album ng nanay ko na
pinatutuyo niya, nabaha kasi.

so saturday afternoon, we went back to our condo building to find that the elevator is wakwak pa kaya up several flights of stairs we climbed. kinakaya naman ng leg powers. handwritten announcements posted all over the walls announce of water supply being back na daw, pero not potable daw. no prob, since iba naman ang drinking water namin ever since. the first thing goldstar and i cleaned was the ref, of course. ang mga natirang food and other stuff ay nagmistulang science experiments ang hitsura, kaya mega-cleaning ito. happy naman. dinamay ko na sa linis ang aking library and other trash na kelangang itapon and stuff. then we plopped on the sofa bed and had a sci-fi movie marathon to relax.

tumawag nga pala ang relatives from canada. i forgot to inform them pala. worried pala sila since they can't call the house kasi nga putol pa ang phone lines. pero buti at nakalusot sila sa cellphone. so that's okay na.

dahil wala pang phone line, goldstar and i today decided to pack our laptops and go to pan de amerikana sana to eat late lunch and connect. but lo and behold, sarado pala sila ng alas-tres kapag linggo. luz. sobrang na-late ang lunch namin. we boarded a jeep going to bayan habang tinitignan namin kung saan may kainan na may wifi sa concepcion o sa bayan. wala. unfortunately, all our regular haunts sa bayan area ay sarado pa, notably bluewave mall. so we decided to check out the nearest mcdo sa amin na may wifi. wala, sarado pa rin. at buti na lang dumaan doon ang jeep instead of lumabas sa marikina bridge area palabas sa a. bonifacio avenue palabas sa barangka going towards katipunan and then cubao. sarado pala ang buong bonifacio area, at lahat ng gustong lumabas sa marikina na public utility vehicle ay naka-detour sa d. tuazon ave palabas sa marcos hi-way. hay, gudlak sa darating na linggong ito, work week at school week pa man din. trapik circa 1990s na naman ito, the return. hay... better recharge the ipods.

buti na lang at saglitan lang ang labas ko this week. apart from a class, a consultation and a thesis defense, stay put at home na lang muna ako ulit. may option na rin to take the lrt kahit hanggang katipunan. mas natitiis ko ang siksikan doon kesa sa makipagbangayan na naman sa mga jeep o fx. i think i'm too old for that. that, or kelangan ko nang mag-migrate sa isang bansang may train/subway system, kasi sa totoo lang, i really like riding the trains. hmmm... hello new york, isdatchu? chos.

kaya eto, imbes na bumaba kami sa mcdo, sabi ko tignan muna namin ang bluewave area. nang sarado ito, tinignan namin kung lalabas siya ng marcos hi-way. kaya we tried our luck to see if sm marikina is open, and buti na lang it is. so here we are. ewan ko lang ang pauwi na ruta dito, pero malamang sa marcos hi-way din ang daan ulit, o baka ginawa nilang one way ang bonifacio papasok sa marikina? ewan, bahala na. makikita namin mamaya.

natutuwa ako sa mga nakodakan ko digitally na old photo prints mula sa na-rescue ng nanay kong photo albums. i got that album scrapbooking thingie from her pala. pareho kaming mahilig sa ganun. ipo-post ko ang mga 'yun once i have better internet access.

i tried calling globelines kanina pero ilang beses akong na-hold tapos na-cut. cellphone pa naman ang ipinangtatawag ko kaya buset, mahal. buti na lang at sabi sa news, three pesos per minute muna daw ang phone calls sa cellphones dahil sa emergency chenes. pero di ito totoo. mga four pesos something kaya ang per call! mga manlolokong telco! kaya ayun, walang landline, walang broadband. follow up ko na lang middle of this week. looks like mapapabalik na naman ako sa pan de amerikana within the week to hook up on the web. hay...

medyo sinusubukan na naming mag-normalize ng buhay sa condo kahit medyo mahirap pa, unang-una dahil walang elevator. oh well. at least i am getting that exercise i've been meaning to jumpstart again. but boy, watta workout naman toh! ewan ko lang kung papayag din ang gasul delivery boys to climb up four-plus flights of stairs to make a delivery. malalaman natin sa wednesday...

laos din ang ilang delivery service. like kfc, which decided na halt ang lahat ng delivery sa marikina area, kahit sa areas na di affected o okay na. laos. kaya i had to go out to concepcion pa to buy chicken para pandagdag sa pastang niluto ni mommy last saturday for papa's birthday. happy naman. at least wala nang long lines all over sa concepcion.

iba naman ang kinakaharap namin sa bayan. super mega dust. kahit na-wash off na most ng putik, potah maalikabok pa rin, at ma-polusyon nang di ko mawari kung bakit. ewan. kaya gudlak na lang sa aking ilongsters. hay, better stock up on sinutab, my best friend...

kamusta na kaya ang mga pinsan ko sa paglilinis ng provident house nila? nanakawan daw sila ng stuff grabe. ito ang hindi ko maintindihan sa mga pinoy, e. down ka na nga, pagte-take advantage-in ka pa ng mga punyemas! parang yung mga taxi na namimili pa ng pasahero sa may meralco area. aba, hello, saan pa kaya pupunta itong mga ito! kakainis. tapos yung mga naglu-loot nga all over provident. grabe! nasalanta na nga ang kabahayan nila, nilooban pa! tangina talaga! ang labo. kaya nga minsan, di mo alam kung tutulong ka sa mga tao o huwag na lang, kasi kapag tumulong ka, hahablutin naman ang buo mong braso kapag inabutan mo ng kamay. maraming pinoy na ganyan e.

still, tutulong pa rin naman ako sa abot ng makakaya ko. eto nga't kahapon, sa paglilinis, nag-pack na ako ng mga damit na ibibigay ko sa relief operations. ida-drop ko sana sa gma kapuso foundation pero wa na, dito na lang diretso sa marikina mismo. tutal may mga nakikita akong kanya-kanyang start-up relief efforts sa simbahan, sa establishments at saan-saan pa. hahanapin ko yung nasa sports center bukas para mas malapit, kasi medyo marami itong damit na ipamimigay ko.

ikaw, baka may mga lumang damit ka rin, ipamigay mo na, kesa sa nabubulok lang sila sa cabinet mo. maraming taong walang naisalba, kahit damit man lang. imagine that. lalo na mga bata. kawawa. hay... kung marami lang akong pera, bibigyan ko pa sila.

natawa nga ako sa kuwento ng pinsan kong si gerry. nang makarating sila sa bahay ng sister niya sa valle verde, andun daw ang mga relatives ng brother-in-law niya, with food for the rescued provident peeps and clothes to wear. at di lang clothes na used ha, take note. mga branded pa nga daw, at mukhang bagong bili hehe. mga giordano, penshoppe 'ata. tapos may sapin sa paa din, at crocs pa! nung dumaan nga siya sa bahay para magkuwento, pinakita rin niya ang crocs niya hehehe. naaaliw siya. ang dami daw pagkain! mabuti naman at alaga sila. sosyal na relief goods ever.

ang isa ko namang kaibigan at co-teacher, si avie, ay nakaalis na ng tuluyan sa lubog pa rin niyang bahay sa pasig. lubog pa rin daw ang pasig, at bakit hindi, e ang daming tambak na basura doon kaya? ortigas area lang ang malinis sa pasig, sa totoo lang. ang pasig proper, napakarumi kaya. hay. hinakot na nila ang gamit daw, sa tulong ng ilang kaibigan din. nakatira siya ngayon sa nagmagandang loob na teacher niya noong undergrad, na dean na ngayon sa college of arts and letters. hinahanap na rin namin siya ng for rent na apartment o house malapit sa UP Diliman. kung may alam ka, pakitimbre naman sa amin, ha.

hay, nami-miss ko na ang aking regular life, ang aking online life. my farmville! waaah. wala na ang pangagarir nito. my mafia! may bago nang pupuntahan sa russia. hay. soon, we'll get back to where we once were.

o siya, saka na ulit. sumisipa na naman ang lamig sa ilong ko. makikipagtuos pa kami sa polusyon at alikabok sa daan. sa susunod na ulit.

life update, with the richard gutierrez subplot thrown in somewhere

this is an update of my previous post.

it's nearly 5pm on a wednesday afternoon as i type this. i am still taking advantage of the generous free wifi at the pan de amerikana marikina here in molave street (forgot the new name of the street but growing up, we knew this street as molave). i am seated right smack in the middle of the middle area of this humongous picturesque resto cozily hidden here in the heart of marikina. there's a children's party about to start to my left, where colorful balloons are painstakingly taped around the back rest portion of the batibot chairs in that covered section (i am at the sun-roofed section where the TV is). i'm glad that in other parts of marikina like this part, life goes on, and people are actually happy. that's good to know.

most of those not heavily affected are back, anyway, back to normal, back in business, like concepcion area, bay tree, and this area. and that's great. only the bayan area and, i assume, the bonifacio road and areas leading outside, passing provident village and barangka, are not yet operational. jeepney drivers say there is still heavy traffic there. so i'm staying put here and won't leave the city for now.

RELATIVES UPDATE:

-- tita coring in parang are now being helped by people clean up their muddy house. her daughter, cousin rona who works for WHO, is already there along with her french hubby, cousin-in-law xavier. they were actually the first casualty among us linsangan folks, for as early as 11am, their ref already started floating in flood water already inside their house. so that takes care of the santos brood on that side.

-- on the other side, in provident village, the other part of the santos brood, doc ricco's family, was rescued right around the time when cousin rey and cousin-in-law edward started their rescue mission to save the remaining gabriel brood in provident. okay na rin iyon.

-- as for the gabriels, cousin gerry filled us in yesterday morning on what happened to them. he passed by my parents house yesterday morning and we listened to his story. an initial account is already up on the web when a manila bulletin newspaper writer wrote their story via an interview with gerry's brother rey's wife monique, who posted this link in facebook. read about that here.

but it was gerry's account that got to me. he recounted how his brother, cousin rey, who already resides in bicutan, searched for a rubber boat and bought one to rescue their father, tito manuel, who was like 80+years old already, and gerry's family which included his wife syndie, my nephews teenager kurt and 8-year old joshua, and gerry's older sister, my cousin angie.

i'm sure by now that the kapuso actor richard gutierrez' story is known all over when he came with his speedboat and rescued co-actress cristine reyes who also lives in provident village. but richard was not alone. he arrived at the same time my cousin rey arrived with their self-bought rubberboat. richard and rey both entered provident village at the same time, and they were actually talking as to how they should approach this rescue and all, making small talk to ease the tension of their looming task ahead of them, i suppose. my cousins also said that richard brought the wrong kind of boat in this effort, as his was the hard wood type ba or something like that, which was hard to lift and all. but it got the job done, so i guess that was well and good for him. my cousin rey even joked that had he known that cristine reyes needed rescuing, he would have gone to fetch her himself hehe. of course this was in jest. i think linsangans are like that -- we still find humor in the direst of circumstances. or maybe it's a filipino trait. whatever. we're just glad they all made it out there.

but gerry narrated that it wasn't easy for them. his son kurt was already badgering them to leave when the waters were just thigh-high. since the gabriels were already used to their first floor being flooded, they just move stuff up on the second floor and wait for the water to subside. every so often, especially earlier in our marikina lives when the city was not yet a city and it was still under shitty leadership, provident would always be flooded a bit because it was near the wall near the marikina river or something like that. so my cousin gerry was unfazed, until the water rose as fast as an oil price hike in the philippine stock exchange or something. next thing they knew, they were already up there on the roof of the second floor, with my tito manuel and the rest of gerry's family.

good thing they were able to contact cousins rey and liza, their sister, who was married to edward. they were the ones who took turns riding the rubberboat to rescue the stranded gabriels on the roof, cutting up tree branches and even cables that were on the way. but when the water rose up higher, there was no need to cut wires. there was just a need to protect the boat. and this is where it gets all lord of the flies-ish/the beach-ish for me, when gerry shared that edward and rey had to carry a gun to protect their boat, just in case other trapped people started grabbing their boat away from them. true enough, as they entered the pitch black submerged village, man, people started to call on them and asked to be rescued, so they tried to steer away from the sides in case people started grabbing onto their boat and all. this is the real harrowing survival mode, where the line "it's every man to himself" was coined, i think. times like these, we all turn savage to save our own lives. good thing they found no need to use the gun.

i think this was like saturday evening already. there were still no rescuers in sight, and people were already trapped, cold and helpless. they actually went back several times daw to rescue others after keeping the gabriels safe. across their house is actress tessie tomas' house where her actress mother laura hermosa lived. i don't know who else lived there or if she still lived there (sometimes we see tessie crossing over to the gabriels' house to use the phone during the pre-cellphone days of the philippines) but her family members also asked my cousin gerry if they could stay there at my cousins' rooftop, as their house is not that high enough; it was submerged totally. so my cousin helped them and all in all, they were like 20 people atop that roof that were rescued. gerry tied bedsheets and curtains as makeshift ropes so that the others could hold on and cross over to where they were. but he found out that curtains and bedsheets get heavy when wet, so he snagged their cable TV cables and used that to make sturdier makeshift ropes, and that worked. they were able to hoist over people.

but he was actually disappointed at the younger people with him. i am 36 so gerry is about a decade or so older than me, i think, so he was like the uncle figure of some twentysomething people there, some of which were mega-buffed guys who spend more time at the gym than in the church. and these gym bunnies turned out to be scaredy cats because they can't swim!!! they were asking my cousin "tito gerry, ano gagawin natin 'pag tumaas pa ang tubig?" gerry had to pretend that he also didn't know how to swim in case these useless chunks of pseudo hunks clung onto him when they got scared. "ang lalaki ng katawan, baka malunod pa ko 'pag kumapit sila sa 'kin, 'no." we laughed at this. hay...

grabe din ang surroundings daw nung dumilim. they had a neighbor who bred dogs, and when the waters started to rise, their neighbor locked their seven dogs in a second floor room or something. but the water rose higher, and gerry could hear the frantic sound of dogs barking. as the waters didn't stop rising, the dogs' barks started to lessen, as one by one, they died, drowned. poor dogs. but many who were let loose survived. they saw several dogs swimming to save their own lives, or dogs clinging onto treetops daw. panalo ang man's best friend's instincts. natuwa kami sa kuwentong ito...

gerry showed me and my parents the beating he got from helping out others. he had huge palm-sized deep purple bruises on his leg, his back and elsewhere that he looked like a fraternity hazing victim. but he said he didn't feel anything during that time. it was when they were all safe and sound in his sister liza's house in valle verde (where they are still stationed) that he felt the tiredness, the ache, and all that. i think our cousin ricco and his family is also staying there at valle verde up to now. i'm not sure about this, but since it was also the gabriels that rescued them, they stayed there at valle verde din daw initially.

-- tita boochie and the orfinadas naman are all fine naman pala in vista verde in cainta, as they finally texted my mom yesterday afternoon. we never heard from them since this all started, and cousin gerry wanted to drive their truck there to check up on the orfinadas, which included my tito bong and their son hugo and hugo's wife and kulang-sa-family-planning brood of kids. good thing their house, which had a second storey, was located so far towards the end of the village that the harrowing floods didn't reach them anymore. but like the others, they were just as trapped inside the village. i was supposed to go with gerry for this mission visit but my father dissuaded us, saying it might be impossible for us to plow through the mud, even with that more than 6-wheeler truck gerry brought with him, so we scrapped the plan.

so that's all for the linsangans. we're fine. and oh yeah, monique just gave birth na. so rey is a dad times two na. yey. binyagan soon.

***

as for me, it's day four of having no working utilities in my condominium unit in marikina's bayan area. i pity my neighbors, especially those who don't have other relatives nearby. at least i have my parents' house to go to during the daytime where i can take a bath, eat hot meals and just rest, as the power in their area was immediately restored back (the area was minimally damaged). good thing the management was able to establish some sort of shower area near the swimming pool area where residents take their baths. since there is no electricity, no power powers the water pumps of our buildings. this is the reason why some of the ground floor units are still helpless in cleaning their units. as my girlfriend goldstar and i pass by their opened doors, we could see furniture, plasma flat screen TVs, matching fancy dishes, cute throw pillows and other things covered in murky brown. the official color of marikina is now murky brown. there are still muddy wet areas on the ground floor, and it's disheartening to see people lug water jars and mineral water liter bottles up several flights of stairs to get water from the water tank stationed downstairs at the driveway.

of course, that's the middle class story. upper middle class, if you will, and i'm sure some righteous makabayan activits, artists or scholars might look down upon these/our plight as "having it easier" than the rest of the poorer folks who got damaged by this typhoon just because we live in a condo. but i don't care about them now. let them intellectualize about this for their career all they want. i'm just writing this down as an experiential thing and, knowing that we are all humans, hope that others who are merely onlookers of this event actually start growing a heart and start caring for others, for once.

as my cousin gerry said, it was a good thing that he had well-off relatives, people who could buy a rubberboat just like that and help. money comes in handy, let's face it. he is grateful, as we all are, that everyone is safe. we just wish that more people had money din, so that they could help. and i'm actually happy that those who don't have much just come and volunteer their efforts. students have told me of their efforts to help in collecting relief goods, volunteering left and right, and all that. times like these that i am glad i am a teacher; i am proud to teach kids who have the brains and have the sense and humanity to use them for the good of all. times like these, i am assured that i went to the right career, so never mind the negativity that i see in academic politicking. i am there for the students, always for the students. and i am glad they are shaping up well. i have high hopes for these kids. i am so proud of them.

so with all these on my mind, heart and person right now, i don't think i could go back to my regular work routine as yet. times like these that i hate being in the media, too, as we were all asked to bump off our regularly scheduled stuff to give way to ondoy-related stuff. even the narartive plot of happy land, the children's tv show i write every week, will bump off a shoot to make way for a newer shoot of a newer script which involves an ondoy story and teaching kids how to be prepared in a disaster like this and all that. i told my executive producer that i am not yet in any manner able to write about this fictionally, as you could see from my blogs, with a very very tight window to write a full script to be shot in three days' time. she offered to write it for now, and i took her offer and thanked her. i don't think she is aware of what happened to me here, so she might see me as just a maarte diva writer. natawa rin ako sa isang text na nakuha ko from UP, where the librarian was asking me for updates on the library committee work. in times of disaster, they ask me about university committee work, after i told them earlier that i am still affected by this flood disaster? winner. later, they texted me and wanted to know what happened to me, so i filled them in. they will use the info for a report daw of what happened to masscomm people affected by this. i still don't know what the report is for.

hay... buti na lang walang pasok buong linggo. just saw in facebook from wendell that there is already a readjustment in the first sem sked of things. buti naman at umaksyon agad ang akademya. times like this, my sinking idealism for UP is kept afloat pa rin. buti naman.

no pictures for now, folks. the camera of my mind is already full of rolls to develop, but i don't think i have the heart to print them out, if you know what i mean. sure, i could sit here at pan and wifi all i want, but life is still not back to normal for me. maybe next week. we'll see. tonight, i decided to sleep over at my parent's house and not go back to my condo in bayan for now. i think my parents want it that way, too, so they could stop worrying about me and my girlfriend for now. so we're staying put.

it's half past six as i wrap this up, and the children's birthday party already ran out of parlor games and food. the cake was already cut and some guests are starting to leave. i may as well leave, too, in a while, and catch up on the news of the day later.

stay safe, everyone. thanks to those who messaged and texted. happy to know that you care.