waking up triggers and traumas

It's a Sunday as I type this, around four in the afternoon to be exact. It's a special day for Christ-loving Filipinos -- even those who support sons of dictators who had people killed -- because it's Easter Sunday. Easter nga ba? I have long shunned such practices of organized religions that I really can't recall some of 'em anymore. But it's what they call in Filipino as "Pasko ng pagkabuhay" dahil Jesus rose from the dead, after dying last Good Friday at around 3pm impunto. Kung paano nila narating na itakda ang saktong time of death ni Hesukristo is beyond me. Basta follow lang where He leads, ganun.  

But this is not a religious post. This is about another kind of awakening. Or reawakening perhaps, and not the kind that leads to enlightenment. Well, sort of, maybe. Kasi kahit papaano, naliwanagan na akong meron pa pala akong trigger na naiwan sa akin ng isang '90s trauma. Ish. Anak ng totchang sa layo 'no? To be exact, 1997 siya. Kung hihiramin ko ang Delorean ni Marty McFly, pwede kong tuntunin ang exact time and place when that trauma started this trigger. Hm, but do you really want to do that? Maybe for small ones that don't matter much -- until it triggers you nga. Siguro.

Listeners of our old podcast TitaTibx know very well na ako ang always triggeredt tita between the two us na host hahaha. Trademark ko na yata ang ma-trigger. May painuman pa nga daw minsan sabi nung isang listener, na tuwing mati-trigger daw ako, isang shot! Hahaha malalaseng kayong mga teta nyan hahaha. But eh, whatevs.

Anyway, I was quietly doing some relaxed work this afternoon when I recognized again a music sampling in one of the lo-fi playlists I love sa Spotify. See, I subscribe to all kinds of lo-fi instrumental beats kasi, na ito na pala ang tawag sa dati kong alam na chillout/lounge/triphop/trance and their intersections. LO-FI. Cute naman. Mood music rin, and I always tune in to the coffeehouse/cafe vibes, the upbeat beats, the chillax or lounge beats, mga ganyan, perfect background music for working without calling attention to itself. 

That is, until may sumingit na isang sampling sa isang song na tumugtog. At ang background ay naging front-and-center bigla.

In the '90s, back when people and posers lol loved going
to ABG's, I loved going to a bar called Lava Lounge
in Makati instead (less konyo, ish lol) because the DJ
was spinning vibes like these doon. There saka
sa Verve Room sa Malate ko lang naririnig 'yung ganito dati.
And no, I didn't go to raves. I didn't like techno techno lang kasi.

If you're not familiar to music sampling, it's a heavy hip-hop practice way before hip-hop was known as rap, like legit orig rap rap, y'knowwhatimsayin. I'm a huge fan of the genre when it evolved, and one trademark of the early days was getting some bars of music from an existing song and repeating it over and over to integrate it into a new song. Kaya siya sampling. 

Ito 'yung ginawa ni Vanilla Ice nung '90s sa "Ice Ice Baby" na 'yung umpisang beats niya is a sample of Queen and David Bowie's song "Under Pressure." Eh hindi nagpaalam si bakla hahaha kaya they sued him. Ewan kung sino nanalo, i-Google niyo na lang. But that, in a nutshell, is what sampling is all about. We hear this now everywhere, not just sa rap or hip-hop. Kahit mga pop songs ginagawa na 'yan. 

So apparently, this one song in one of the lo-fi playlists of mine had a sample that triggered a '90s memory for me. It's a Portishead sampling, isang grupong parang ninuno na rin nitong lo-fi of today. So siyempre, ang trigger at trauma ay ex-related lol, a tale of how I became an accidental kabit hahaha lekat.

In the '90s, kapag may ka-LDR ka, lalo na sa USA, mahirap mag-usap araw-araw. Mahal ang per minutong call, di pa naiimbento ang video chat let alone text (or hindi pa pinalalaganap ng Globe sa ibang networks ang SMS at wala pa ang Smart nito), aabot ng 3-4 weeks bago makarating ang love letter mong hinulog sa post office, pati package na cassette tape na pinag-record-an mo ng musings mo sa nyowa mo kasi mas tipid ito at mas marami kang masasabi sa isang 90-minute cassette kesa sa 9-minute phone call na almost 20x siguro ang presyo kesa sa presyo ng blank cassette at airmail stamp.

So when I met this girl who said she likes me pero meron siyang ka-LDR na parang papawala na sila kasi nga bibihira na silang mag-communicate kasi nga LDR heygard, I thought it really was the tail end na of their relationship. It was March 1997 when I met her. We broke up December 1997. In the middle of that, dun ko nadiskubreng accidental kabit ako, kasi kahit hindi pa naman siya official na hiwalay, may emotional connections pa rin pala naman, unlike what she implied the first time we got together. Of course she could refute this, but well, that's how it was impressed upon me. And people around her started saying na she should choose na  between the two of us, or to let go na lang of the one in the LDR kasi malabo nga ang LDR talaga, to begin with, or bahala siya basta huwag kaming kawawain pareho sa sitwasyong ginawa niya. I never pressured her to do any choosing, but I did chime in on the fact that she should tell the other one about me, and then saka siya mag-decide. After all, years later, I would develop this kind of nontrad thinking na it's okay to have multiple people in your life for as long as you all know each other's existence. Walang secret-secret. But of course, when you commit to being monogamous, then by all means uphold it naman. Ganun lang naman kasimple sa akin iyon.

Pero iba pala sa kanya. Or kanila.

All of a sudden, nagka-dilemma siya. Parang "torn between two lovers" ang peg na di ko magets. Sabi siya nang sabi na papawala na sila nung isa yadda yadda, pero as the months progressed, siguro may lumalamon sa kalooban niya kaya nag-iiba ang timpla niya dun sa isa. She finally got around to saying it in a cassette tape, and when the other one received it, she made the expensive call to Manila to say na she's going home sa Pasko and they should discuss muna in person before deciding on whatever. And I was like, e di good, sige gora 'yan. And she was thankful that I thought that way. At that point, I even told her keri lang if hindi ako ang wagi sa usapang ito, kung sila ang matuloy. Ang mas importante sa akin, honor the timeline na lang of deciding when the other one comes home.

But the plot twist is, bago dumating yung isa, this torn girl broke up with me bigla. Walang kaabog-abog. Doon ako nagulat. Ang ganda ng usapan, di ba? Adult-like. But I guess at the tender age of 23, you can't still be considered a full-ass adult, kasi malapit pa 'yung 23 sa 19, sa teen, teenager, like anak ng teenapay sa biglaang desisyong walang isang salita. Anyway kebs.

So the long and short of it is, I was staying in her room, in a 3-room old house where 2 of the other rooms were being rented out to other people ng nanay niya who owns the house, or tita yata, basta family. Para siyang caretaker occupying the 3rd room collecting rent. Wala 'yung isang renter for the yuletide holidays and the other room was locked na kasi kaka-move out lang nung andun. Nakakatawa kasi to add insult to injury, gusto niya doon din tumira itong balikbayan niyang ka-LDR sa same house where I was also living since we hooked up nung March. Wagi 'no? Ano 'to, Melrose Place??? Kaloka si ati. 

Pero siyempre bahay nila 'yun, wala pa akong means to move out somewhere dahil biglaan lahat, so sabi ko dun sila sa newly vacated room leche. So inari ko 'yung espasyo niya hahaha. Buset eh. Pero dahil nga andun lahat ng stuff niya, gusto niya doon kami mag-meetup, kaming tatlo, hang out and get to know each other, inuman ganyan. Ang ganda ng eksena di ba? Pampelikula ampota. Kung di ka gagawing serial killer character ng moment na 'yun, siguro unabomber pwede, na iisang tao lang ang target mong tsugiin lol. 

Ang haba ng back story ng trigger na ito, 'no? Kailangan kasi ng proper setup para mas maintindihan ang impact kung bakit trigger 'yung trigger. So eto na nga. Dahil parang mas matured ako at si balikbayan dun sa girl-in-1-degree-separation namin, open kaming ma-meet ang isa't isa at mag-usap -- which we did, later on, pero di namin sinama 'yung isang tanga hahaha. Kaba niya kung ano magaganap sa amin. But we just talked like the adults we are (or we're tying to be), and just concluded that such is life. Hinayaan ko na sila, and I told them to just leave me be. Na hindi namin parehong sinadyang manggulo ng anuman or manakit and stuff like that. In fact, enlightening siyang kausap, and she said the same about me. So keri naman kami. Balik tayo dun sa tanga hahaha.

So eto na. Kakarating lang nga yata ni LDR, gustong iuwi ni tanga sa room niya, mag-meet at inuman daw kaming tatlo. O e di sige, dala kayo bote, jamming tayo. Dun kami sa kuwarto niyang katiting, na mag-dalawang dipa ka lang eh sagad na ang wall-to-wall. May component siya na may CD at cassette player. Ikinasa niya ang isang CD na dala ni balikbayan as background while we were making tagay in between uncomfortable silences and tanga's attempts to lighten the obviously heavy walang-uuwing-buhay-dito situation. Being a semi-people pleaser -- or maybe para lang walang dead air sa aming broadcast day -- the ex raved and went on and on about her balikbayan's choice of music faves, mga inuwing CD ni ati from the yooseopey na parang di naman naririnig sa Top 40 Pinoy airwaves pa back then (or maybe sa niche lang like 99.5RT at NU107 lang ganyan). Isa na nga doon itong CD ng Portishead.

Now since I love lounge/triphop-y sounds like that, dapat nagustuhan ko siya di ba. I love their groove. It's just that this one song of theirs na sikat 'yung paulit-ulit na pinatutugtog ni tanga that night. And it stuck to my brain, and unfortunately, it stapled itself to this trauma file that this episode produced. That I didn't know all this time na, in the filing cabinet of my mind, andun pa pala itong stapled song na ito, naka-attach sa file ng particular traumatic moment na 'yun for me. So naturally, whenever I hear that song or even just a sample of it, my mind suddenly time-travels back to that night, that episode, that moment, that halukay-kalamay feeling happening on my insides, clouding my brain, and hurting my heart. And I didn't realize na may ganung effect pa rin pala now, pero not that powerful enough to knock my wind off. It's like a momentary stop lang, napapaisip ka, like biglang naalala ng utak mo o puso mo (o pareho sila, I dunno exactly) 'yung sakit ba. No, not the lost love or breakup or any romantic pining shit like that. Shit na lang 'yun sa akin now. It's all about me, the trigger, and how I was made to feel. Parang mas 'yun ang naiwang latak, I suppose.

But the effect, like I said, is not that impactful. In fact, it's like an echo of an effect na lang. Ito pala 'yung sinasabi nilang echo na lang, na parang alam mong andun 'yung tunog, pero wa ka na care sa pinanggalingan, pero minsan may naiwang tunog lang na kasingbilis mawawala kung gaano kabilis ding lumitaw ito. Echo nga eh. Hindi nagtatagal. Parang ganun na lang. So I suppose it's not entirely a huge trigger, like trigger-trigger, now that I write about it. It's merely like an echo of a trigger, latak siguro ng naramdaman noon, ganun na lang. 

Songs -- even samples of them --
could make you travel back to memories past.
Just gauge the kind of journey you'll embark on. 

It's strange how thoughts and feelings could play tricks on you sometimes. And it's also comforting, in a way, to know that such a monumental trigger of yore could be now reduced to an echo of its existence. Madaling mawala, sa isang iglap lang din ng paglitaw niya. And what's comforting about that is the fact that I GOT OVER IT. Kung anuman 'yung yucky episode na 'yun na ang sama sama sama sama sa pakiramdam mo at that time, isang blog post na lang siya ngayon. Like part of your personal narrative. Not a good part, but a part nonetheless -- one that made you, or makes you, what you are right now. The fact that I was able to overcome whatever it is that I needed to overcome that time, I did it mehn. Mas doon ako nako-comfort. I DID IT! Sabi nga ng isang friend sa akin lately, "Kaya mo 'yan, ikaw pa." Parang sa tingin niya, may track record na ako of surviving, I suppose. And yeah, I think I like that perspective and angle -- track record of survival. Overcoming. Being able to overcome. Becoming. Becoming stronger. Become you.

Ayus.

You know, that night, I kept on saying in between the uncomfy silence na this could all become a good scene for a movie script someday. And that's what I did with my anger, resentment, sadness, and brokenhearted grief that time -- I rolled it up into one giant ball of ink and used it to pen a screenplay that would later give me an honorable mention award at the 1998 Film Development Foundation of the Philippines' annual scriptwriting competition. Yes, children, pwede mong gawing art ang trauma, at puwede mo pang pagkakitaan lol. Pak na pak, 'no. 

Funny what an afternoon could bring. Amusing what life makes out of it, too. Mga patay na nabubuhay. Mga nabuhay na di rin naman nagtagal. Ang kamatayan ng pagdaramdam. Ang pagkabuhay ng tamang pakiramdam.

Word. ☮🧡🔥

Of Queen's Gambit moves and love gambles

Funny what binge-watching a Netflix series at the wee hours of Samhain would pop out: truths that kill regrets. It's Dia De Los Muertos, after all. 

Something has to die. 

And for me, what died but I'm not mourning over is the reason for the pain that still envelops me once in a while. All because of this pivotally poignant scene in The Queen's Gambit:

Moses Ingram (Jolene) and Anya Taylor-Joy (Beth).
Their chemistry works.

Love the way this scene was shot. The camera dollies in from a floor level angle, going toward the actors that play orphan pals Jolene and Beth, until it ends in this full shot of them sitting on the racquetball court floor. Jolene is the unofficial BFF of chess prodigy Beth, and they meet up years later when the former is working/studying to become a lawyer while the latter is trying to juggle her drinking and pill-popping habits with winning chess tournaments. 

This scene from the last episode is where Beth tells Jolene she needs the money to fly to Russia to compete with the greatest grandmaster there, and Jolene offers to share 3k to make it happen. And three grand is huge for the late '60s, when this story is set. 

Their conversation struck me hard. Jolene said Beth can pay her back when she wins in Russia. "What if I don't win?" replied the laconic prodigy. "It's still worth it," retorted Jolene, expounding on how they always got each other's back anyway, even if they're not physically together, or just because they're not related doesn't mean they don't support each other. Growing up as orphans in a Catholic-run orphanage had its challenges, but they coped.

Jolene's dialogue is just golden:

"For a time, I was all you had. And for a time, you was all I had. I'm not your guardian angel. I'm not here to save you. Heck, I can't even save me! I'm here because you need me to be here. That's what family does. That's what we are."

Gold. Can't get more sparkly than that.

And that's when I realized something, out of the myriad of love gambles I have had in this lifetime -- that a partner should be family, should be treated as one, and not as an entity that's separate from that concept. 

Family. How do we define it and how do we reinvent it -- as lesbians, as women, as Filipinos, as fortysomethings. It's different for each of us yet similar as well. Parallel, perhaps, I don't know. Sometimes you just need to be there for your partner, your girlfriend, the love of your life, whatever you term each other. Just be there. And being there means understanding what they need at a certain moment, at a precise turning point in their lives, during a phase whether challenging or celebratory. Just be there. And being there means understanding who your partner is, and what your partner really needs. Really, really needs -- according to who she is, not according to who she is to you.

Boom. Mic drop. Di ba lang.

But understanding doesn't often go hand-in-hand with loving, much less listening, more so being there, and caring. It's different. Alien, sometimes. Some say love and understanding are a package deal. Open the package and unbox something else, folks.

Truths.

There's this book that theorized our love languages, saying we all have variations. And by understanding love languages, we would achieve harmony in relationships. But often, what happens is that we impose our love language on our partner. We tend to forget that we sometimes speak differently when it comes to caring. Your version of care may not be applicable to her, or may not be what she needs at the moment, at that life stage, during that life phase. Are you mature enough to realize the nuances? 

But still, we insist. Even if our partners tell us otherwise, we still insist. And this has been the move that baffles me, each and every time a relationship is about to end on my part. I don't understand why it becomes difficult to see three, five, ten moves ahead, that we'll eventually be checkmated out of a mate, for real, if we don't check closely. If three moves are too demanding for some, how about one? Just one move, anticipate it next, before it's too late. One fucking move.

Sadly, life ain't a chessboard, 'no? Nyet.

No.

I'm not a big chess fan but I taught myself how to play this sport, just like I taught myself how to play that colorful Chinese Checkers boardgame lying around sa bahay ng lola ko where I grew up. My papa was a big fan and a player in his youth, that's why I hear about certain grandmaster names from him. Something something Kasparov, Spassky, Fischer, ganyan. There was a chessboard set kept in the house somewhere, and I found it interesting to play during my early years -- before the Atari arrived. But that's for another blog post. 

And little did I know that the basics of this game would serve as philosophical foundations I would enact in my lifetime. For instance, touch move ka na ba? Kasi may laro doon na once hinawakan mo ang piece, kailangan mong igalaw ito. Same with life; can you really "return to sender" many of your decisions, your actions, your thoughts, your words, kapag nailabas na? Madalas hindi. Napasubo ka na kung napasubo, kaya ituloy mo na lang at panindigan mo. Or, kung takot kang lumabas sa comfort zone, hanggang kailan ka mananatiling trapped sa square mo na 'yan? 

Touch move.

And making guesses, educational or intuition level man, also characterizes the game. Kapag sinabi ko ito, ano kaya ang sasabihin niya? Kapag ginawa ko ito, ito ang puwedeng maging resulta, saka ito, saka ito pa, hanggang sa dumating dito sa dulo, hanggang ito na ang ending. In scriptwriting and fiction writing, we call this the "cause and effect chain" of storytelling: ang isang cause ay nagiging effect, pushing the narrative forward. The effect of that cause then becomes another cause that produces another effect, and so on and so forth. Moves. Anticipate the moves. That's why chess players stare at the board for so long kahit akala mo walang nangyayari. Nasa utak nila ang laro; iniisip nila at ina-anticipate ang countermoves sa moves nila. 

You'll see that a lot in this 7-ep limited series. Which is finely acted, by the way, and I love the '60s chic and groove, plus the "quiet cinema" style of filmmaking it employed, which is often rare for TV series kasi nga TV needs constant "audio hooks" in the form of dialogues or overwhelming music. Pero minsan, tahimik lang ang eksena dito, and you can enjoy the visual spectacle neatly presented in a scene. Man, it made chess exciting, what can I say. Kahit hindi ka player, the characters will also hook you. So yes, it's that good, in my book.

Based pala siya sa isang 1983 coming-of-age novel.
It's super-feminist actually. 

At nakakaaliw dahil habang naaaliw na naman ako sa kakapanood ng series, deluge of nuggets rain on me like this current typhoon we're having.  

So this Queen's Gambit thing explained, according to this chess website:

The Queen’s Gambit is probably the most popular gambit. The objective of the queen’s gambit is to temporarily sacrifice a pawn to gain control of the center of the board. It's one of the most popular openings because of its attacking prowess. White will be attacking and it will be up to black to defend correctly. If you enjoy putting constant pressure on your opponent, then the queen’s gambit is a perfect opening for you.

Meaning ito ang ginagamit ng isa sa pagbukas ng laro, at doon na minsan natitimpla ang takbo ng laro at kung paano magre-respond ang kalaban. Di ba parang relasyon lang? Paano ninyo binuksan o sinimulan ang pagiging magkasama? At gaano ninyo katagal kinailangang kilalanin ang isa't isa? Ano-anong mga piyesa sa chessboard of your lovelife ang kinailangan ninyong i-sacrifice, i-give up, i-corner, i-rescue from being trapped? 

Puta napaisip ako dito lekat. Pampatulog lang dapat ang ilang episodes nito, pero I ended up binge-watching it because these truths suddenly appeared to me, like how the chessboard appears to Beth the prodigy in a hallucinatory way while she's on drugs. Watch it to know what I mean. Kahit hindi ka mahilig sa chess, itatawid ka ng show sa storytelling.

Tulad ng ginagawa ng mga chess players na pine-play out ang moves/games nila even after the game is done, manalo man o matalo sila, bigla kong naisip na i-play out ang mga naging opening ko sa lovelife, or opening nila, sino ba ang nagga-gambit sa amin, palitan ba, at ano na ang mga naisakripisyo kong piyesa para lang manatili sila sa laro, o manatili pa akong nakikipaglaro.

Di ba sabi ng isang quote,
"When love is no longer being served on the table,
it's time to get up."
Parang ganun ang nuggets na na-gets ko
sa show na ito as they're playing chess.

Alam nating maraming pagkakataon na kailangan ka nang umatras dahil natatalo ka na, na kahit anong uri ng remedyong gawin mo, wala eh, wala talaga, walang wala. Pero puwede itong gawin sa madiplomasyang paraan. Tulad ng itinuro ng orphanage custodian sa child chess prodigy noong umpisa pa lang, kailangan alam mo na kung kailan ihihinto ang laro.

"You have to resign now."

Resign. Resign the game. Stop it, if it's not worth killing your brain cells over na. Minsan ang hirap. Napako ka na sa pagkakaupo sa harap ng board, tulad ng napako ka na sa isang relasyong sa tingin mo ay hindi ka mabubuhay kapag nawala ito. Kaya kahit hindi na maganda sa laro mo, kapit-tuko ka sa partner mo dahil may pangangailangan itong naidudulot -- or so you think. Or so you are TRAINED or CONDITIONED to think.

Mahirap din naman kasi to just easily resign, admit defeat, add another failed relationship to your growing listahan sa tindahan ni Aling Nenang Sawi or whatnot. Minsan naman, may nagwo-work pa naman sa samahan ninyo talaga, kaya lang may mga dealbreakers ka ring hindi na mapalampas na. Kaya sometimes, nakikipag-break ka after 6 months lang, o minsan after 6 years, even 6 days kung talagang may kahindik-hindik kang di matanggap-tanggap. It's your stats. Depende talaga ang laro sa kalaro mo. Depende rin ito sa kung paano mo lalaruin ang laro, at ang kalaro mo.

Hay jusme. Love. Gamble. Same same. Anuna earth. How do we do diz.

Nakakaloka ang mga life revelations na ito. Grabe lang. Of course, this is not the first time I get inspired by pop culture fare or literature or art or theater and out pours nuggets of wisdom na na-gets ko sa mga works na ito, my favorite being the classic Warrick Brown philosophy I blogged way back 2010 pa about one of my favorite CSI characters. Puta, a decade ago na pala. Grabe lang, this earth. 

Family -- that's what we are, sabi sa Queen's Gambit. Family -- that's what we're not, sabi sa Bayli Gambit.

I resign.

It was easier to move when I saw it played out in front of me. I can see where she's heading, and I can see where she's not. Ayoko nang umabot sa mas madugo pang checkmate-an, kaya mas madiplomasyang paraan na lang ng pagtatapos ang naganap. But of course, diplomatic doesn't mean not equally devastating nor gut-wrenching. Hence the pain.

Life could still be a dream, sweetheart, 
to paraphrase that song.
Indeed, new ones can still be captured.
Abre los ojos. See better.

Well, in the immortal words of that song, here's where the story ends. But that's okay. Na-checkmate ka man ng buhay, laging andiyan lang ang laro. Up to you if you wanna pick it up. In the immortal words of yet another song, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Cause and effect. Just keep moving your narrative forward -- gambit or no gambit.

Anyway, have a safe week ahead of you. Ingat sa bagyo, folks. Over and out -- and proud. 

Spring me back to life

Hindi naman sikreto sa atin na kalugmok-lugmok ang naging lagay ng mundo nitong nakaraang dalawang buwan, at ang masaklap pa nito, panahon ito ng tag-araw. Summer. Summer vacation. Summer outings. Walang nagbakasyon at siguradong walang lumabas, dahil bawal. Malas lang na natapat pa ito sa kaarawan ko, na ngayong taon ay itinakda na sa 47 ang numerong malayo pa namang buminggo. Pero hindi tayo bumibinggo sa buhay sa mga nakaraang buwang ito.

Maraming pagbabago sa larangan natin, sa buhay natin, sa parehong propesyonal at personal na bahagi. May masaya, may mainam, pero mas marami pa ring masakit at masaklap. Maraming nawalan ng trabaho, maraming hindi alam kung paano gagawin ang bagong moda ng pagtatrabaho, at may ilan ring hindi naman masyadong naapektuhan ng mga pagbabagong ito dahil tila sanay na sila sa kalakarang nilalapat sa atin sa ngayon. At marahil ay isa ako sa mga taong iyon. Medyo.

Iyong tinaguriang work from home, ako iyon. Matagal na. Mula nang huminto ako sa pagtuturo. Bago pa man din iyon, ganito na ang moda ko. Virtual worker, remote worker. Matagal na akong nagtatrabaho nang ganito. Ang kailangan ko lang ay sarili kong espasyo sa pagsusulat, sa pag-e-edit, sa pagta-translate, at kung ano-ano pang uri ng trabahong kaya kong gampanan nang hindi nakikipagharap nang deretsahan sa mga tao. Matagal nang ganito ang buhay ko. Naiiba lang paminsan-minsan kapag kinukuha akong magturo o mag-training ng iba't ibang opisina at organisasyon. Masaya naman din ang buhay na iyon, dahil nga hindi ka napipirmi sa isang lugar; dadalaw ka lang at muling aalis, uuwi. Pero dahil huminto ang kalakaran ng mundo, huminto din ang ganitong uri ng trabaho ko.

Pero di ko nga gaanong alintana. Bagkus, tila mas dumami pa nga yata ang trabaho ko at kliyente ko simula nang nagkaroon ng lockdown, anumang uri ng quarantine na ang nilapat at lumipas, narito pa rin ang mga kliyente ko. Suwerte akong nilalang sa larangang ito. 

Pero isa yata itong paraan din ng sansinukob para hindi ako masyadong malugmok sa lumbay, lalo na sa panahong ito na hindi ko maaaring magampanan ang lagi kong ginagawa sa tuwing nagkakaroon ako ng malaking pagkalugmok sa buhay, bunga ng pakikipaghiwalay sa isang kaulayaw o katipan. Alam mo 'yung sobrang tita na kantang "Downtown" na kinanta nina Angelina Jolie at Winona Ryder sa Girl, Interrupted? Theme song ng buhay ko iyon. 

When you're alone 

And life is making you lonely

You can always go 

Downtown

Kanta ito ni Petula Clark, 1964. Siguro kung dekada ka nang nagbabasa ng espasyong ito, ilang beses ko na ding nabanggit ito. Pero ngayon higit sa kailanman, mas totoo sana ang aplikasyon nito sa buhay ko. Kailangan kong lumabas, magliwaliw, aliwin ang sarili, magpagpag, mamayagpag. Ito ang paraan ko sa pagpapanatili ng katatagan ko ng kalooban, lalo na't tuwing nalulugmok ako dahil sa isang hiwalayan. 

Masama nga yata ang pagkakataong tumaon sa desisyong ito. Tinapos ko ang halos anim na taong relasyon ko bago nag-quarantine. Sadyang ganoon lang talaga ang buhay marahil, marami kang hindi magampanan at marami kang hindi matanggap, pati na rin mga bagay na hindi mabago--sa sarili mo at sa sitwasyon--kaya kailangan mong gawin ang mga nararapat mong gawin sa buhay, kahit alam mong masasaktan ka o makakasakit ka. Sa pagkakataong ito, marami naman akong babauning magagandang alaala, pero hindi lang talaga sila naging sapat para ipagpatuloy ko ang landas na tinatahak sana namin. Sa kabila ng lahat, sana ay nasa mabuti siyang kalagayan, at sana ay bumuti pa ang kalagayan nila. At iyon lang ang masasabi ko tungkol rito.

Nakakalungkot--na siguro, hindi rin, medyo--na marami din akong nakitang hiwalayan nitong panahon ng sapilitang pagkulong sa ating lahat. May isang manunulat na nagtapos ang kanyang kasal, kahit ang pagkakaalala ko ay kakakasal lang nila noong isang taon yata. Lalaki at babae ito. May isa akong kakilalang biglang nanahimik sa social media sa paninirahan niya sa ibang bansa; iyon pala, nagtapos na rin ang kasal niya sa isang kapwa lalaki rin, dahil nasa bansa silang puwedeng maganap ang ganitong unyon. May ilan din akong nabasang naputol bigla ang LDR, o ang pagli-live-in, naghiwalay ang landas na dating magkasama, na iba't ibang uri ng samahan: mga lesbiyana, nonbinary at hetero, hetero, mga bakla, marami. Tila napaligiran rin ako ng ganitong hiwalayan. Kaya siguro hindi ako masyadong sumadsad na, tulad nang dati, dahil nakakakita ako ng mga kabatak kong pareho din ang pinagdaraanan, tulad ko.

Di ko sana isusulat ito. Ayoko sanang ilabas siya. Pero ewan ko ba at bigla akong huminto sa pagtatrabaho ngayon hapon para lang maitaktak ko ito. Minsan kasi, parang masamang bara na nahihirinan ang pagkatao ko ng mga ganitong isipin at damdamin, at kinakailangan ko siyang ilabas para muli akong umusad, muling gumana. Kaya heto tayo ngayon, tumitipa.

Gusto kong magpasalamat sa mga tahimik na sumusubaybay pala sa akin nang di ko nalalaman. Natitiktikan na nilang hindi ako okay, at nagparamdam silang puwede ko silang lapitan. Akala ko ay naitatago ko ito nang mahusay, tinatawag ngang "cryptic post" ng isang kabatak na ginagawa ko daw sa Twitter. Wala namang kuwenta na sa akin ang Facebook kaya hindi ako doon naglalabas ng kung anu-ano. Pero sa Twitter, hindi ko rin pala naitatago. O sadyang malakas lang kumutob at makiramdam ang mga kakilala ko, mga kaibigang sa online lang nakilala, at mga kaibigang matagal na akong kakilala bago pa man naimbento ang social media, at mga kakilalang minsanang kainuman. May isa pa ngang frontliner na siyang pumuna kung kamusta ako, siyang doktor sa emergency room at katakot-takot na PPE ang suot sa araw-araw niyang kalagayan, siya pa talaga ang nagmensahe at nangamusta, sabay alay ng tenga at balikat kung kinakailangan daw. Touched. I am touched by such words of comfort and support. Thank you, my dear friends; your small efforts mean the world to me, and thank you for the offers and encouraging words. Truly. 

Maliban sa mga mababait na nilalang na ito na natagpuan ko at natagpuan nila ako sa mundong ito, nakakatulong pala na June Pride Month ngayon. Na nahihila-hila ako/kami sa mga usap-usapang pride sa buwang ito ay hindi na bago, pero ito pala ang mga makakapagpaalala sa akin na kinakailangan ko pang maging matatag at matibay, dahil hindi pa tapos ang laban. Sa pangkalahatan. Sa pagsasalita tungkol sa iba't ibang aspeto ng buhay-bahaghari, tila nabubuhayan ako ng loob sa ilang aspetong akala ko ay namatay na sa akin. Marami akong binabalikan ngayon na mga bagay na nabinbin at naiwanan, o sadyang isinantabi, o pilit kinalimutan, dahil sa iba ang naging lihis ng buhay ko nitong mga nakaraang taon. At may mga bago rin sanang landas na puwede pang tahakin, o puwede pa pala, mabigyan lang ng pagkakataong makausad muli.

Sa ganitong mga panahon at pagkakataon, bundok o aplaya ang katapat ng  katahimikan ng kaluluwa. Puwede na ring sine o siyudad na iba sa lugar ko. Nakakaturete na hindi ko sila mapuntahan, alinman sa mga ito. Pero kahit naman lumuwag na ang mundo, nakakatakot pa ding maglalalabas sa kung saan-saan. Hindi na muna. Gusto kong umabot sa kabaligtaran ng 47 -- 74. Kung dati ay may sarili akong taning sa buhay ko, na sinasabi kong hanggang 60 lang ako, latest expiration date bilang 65, hindi na yata ito totoo sa ngayon. Gusto ko nang lubusin kung hanggang saan ako puwedeng umabot. Ang nanay kong matibay nasa 75 na, bingo na, pero wala pa ring nakakatinag sa kanya. Mukhang ako rin ganito ang magaganap, aabot sa bingo bago mag-blackout. 

Kaya sige lang. Kung anuman ang kaharap pa, at kakaharapin pa, tataya at tataya pa rin naman. Hindi naman na bago iyon, dahil ito na ang naging kalakaran ko sa buhay dati pa: ang tumaya, kahit walang katiyakan sa kalalabasan. Ang sigurado lang naman talaga tayo sa mundo ay -- walang kasiguraduhan sa mundo. Anumang uri ng galawan ang maganap at magaganap pa, uusad at uusad pa rin naman ako. Tayo. 

Kaya sige lang, lipad, isip, namnam, hinto, iyak, tawa, ngiti, usad, ramdam, lakbay, hinga, pahinga. Repeat to fade.

Salamat sa pagbabasa. 

   

The gospel according to Olivia Pope

I've been watching Scandal slowly during the last quarter of 2018, always in between work breaks (during lunch or dinner breaks actually), but I was able to fully rush it when I got a sprain mid-December, so I was able to watch the show unfold until the second to the last season. Currently on the 7th and final season, and I'm already feeling sepanx with Olivia Pope and the "gladiators in suits" gang.

Love this ensemble. Too bad some of them dropped out one by one.
Ah, showbiz. Thanks to this site for compiling these quotes.

Katukayo ko pa naman si bakla, at naaliw ako nung tumambad sa akin itong characteristic niya:

Excerpt from this site. Hay katukayo, apir!

Hahaha that is SOOOO ME mga more than five years ago or so. Nothing but popcorn and wine for meals. Which horrified a certain someone when she met me, and dropped a quote of her own saying "Popcorn is not a meal" hihihi (she actually messages to check if I ate an actual meal). Nearly five years later, ayan, sweetheart ko pa rin siya, and we're eating much more than popcorn hehe. But I digress.

I love this show because I get many stuff here that makes me go "uh-huh..." and it's well-scripted and well-acted. OA lang 'yung dialoguing minsan pero kinekeri naman nina Kerry Washington kahit papaano. Uneven ang directing pace minsan, depende yata on who's behind the cam per episode. But that's TV life, kaya keri na rin.

Rule of thumb ko ito, bakla. Ever!
Thanks to this site for compiling these quotable quotes. 

But what I like about shows that make me think are the quotes and thoughts I get from them. Bibihira lang yata ang mga ito dumating sa buhay ko, na nagiging parte ng pilosopiya ko sa buhay. Last decade, it was the Warrick Brown philosophy that stuck to me, which is narrated in full here in this post. Warrick is that dude na namatay after some seasons sa original CSI, and the nugget na na-gets kong wisdom sa kanya back then is this simplicity: "Life's too damn short."

Life is too short indeed. Thus, it became a mantra. From the late 2000s to the early 2010s, I found myself doing more courageous things, calculated risks of course, being the Taurus-Ox that I am, but still, things that those around me didn't think I can/will actually do, or things I myself didn't think na I can pull off easily -- but I did! I've been busy taking risks and going into new things, that's why I also had some lag here in my blogging life. But that's totally fine, because we don't exist online only, right? Online is life, but offline is lifer! Chos.

And this is actually the reason why some work circles
tried to ease me out during this risk-taking era.
Bibihira kasi sa kanila ang may bite. Puro bark lang sila.
Alam mo 'yung tunog lata, walang laman sa loob? Yeah, that's them.
So I just up and left. Kebs! I can do many things in my life,
but kiss ass for promotion is not in my list, ever!

Late to the Shonda Rhimes party, I've been hearing/reading about this much-hailed TV exec na showrunner ng How To Get Away With Murder. 'Yun actually ang sinimulan ko sa Netflix na nagandahan din ako sa writing and of course Viola Davis in the lead haller. Pero nauumay ako sa style ng show minsan, also the storylines, kasi to quote one of the characters there named Bonnie, "whiny millennials" ang lagi niyang katrabaho hahaha. I feel ya Bonnie, I feel ya. And then, when they crossed one season with Scandal and saw OP strut her stuff, I was like "Ito muna panonoorin ko!" Kaya ayan, hindi ko na siya mabitawan pa. Later na kita babalikan, Lola Viola, and your whiny millennial law students lol. 

Since she heads a crisis management firm, I like how the show discussed the appearance of things in face of a scandal. It's deeper than branding, and certainly deeper than PR, and I love how they call it: OPTICS.

Optics. How would a certain thing, behavior or action look like to others, to specific target audiences, to the general population? I like it that there's a deeper discussion than mere surface optics, and you get to understand how the picture you see came to be, after the machinations worked to project it. 

Optics. I have been blinded by some people's optics, organizations as well, which projected one thing or another. And during this risk-taking era, I was able to "decode the Matrix" and see what was beyond the surface as well. That's why it was also easier to trade in some hats for other hats, work-wise. 

Love matters were the same. There was actually one instance where I should have trusted my gut more, something Olivia Pope always put forward, something that she swears by. I, too, used to feel this way, act this way even, sensing my gut feel of things, and then decide on walking out or staying put. I met this girl sometime in 2013 who turned out to be a player (neng, wala actually sa hitsura niya, kaya gulantang lola mo sa big reveal!). And I just discovered that she was playing me when another jowa of hers messaged me, saying na sila na daw. And to corroborate, I talked to this girl's circle of friends, mga pinakilala niya sa akin in the flesh pa ha, and this one friend confessed na lima daw pala kami na dine-date niya at the same time! Hahaha lima, motherfucker, lima! What fucking guts this girl has, no? Kakaiba. And the optics? I actually saw early on that this was not a "pang-forever" girl, but I still went out with her and all that shiz. Buti naman at ilang buwan lang naman kami actually, then pumutok na ang scandal. Kakaloka. Five at a time, man. So those kinds of girls really do exist. I thought my bullshit radar was up and running, but she was somehow able to smokescreen it. Pero hindi naman ako bentang-benta din kasi, so I guess my BS detection reserves kicked in pa rin that time. Good going, Taurus-Ox. 

While I admire what Jake was preaching here, sometimes it takes
a "bigger man" to simply step back and walk away. In my case,
a "bigger woman." I know I am owed, but the universe repays
 in great ways. It has happened before, many times,
so I know it can happen again. save myself the agony of tragic plots.

But the very OP nugget I was able to get from this show is this: 

"Change the narrative."

This means, you can change the way people see things, perceive things, interpret the story, scrutinize the narrative at hand. When OP had a client embroiled in a scandal, there are ways of "changing the narrative" that happened. Ano ang reason why, ano ang motivation, bakit ganun ang kinalabasan, ano ang prequel? Those are the narratives that they can change, in  order to change the conversation around the scandalous event at hand. 

And that hit me, hard. Oo nga, change the narrative. Kapag may hindi magandang aspeto, kailangang ibahin mo ang pananaw mo, shift perspectives, kasi mas lilinaw sa kabilang banda kung iibahin mo rin ang pagtingin mo sa ibang bagay, at kung ire-revise mo ang naratibong panghahawakan mo sa buhay. It's a reinterpretation actually of a motto I put in my first and only photo blog, now defunct, where I said "When life's a blur, refocus." This time, when you refocus, the picture gets clearer, but you can also change the picture altogether, and see something better. So in a way, yes, it's a bit deeper, and more insightful. And it works better for me.

Lahat kasi tayo, may dinadalang maraming kuwento sa buhay. Iba-iba ang subplot na dala-dala natin sa maraming sektor ng buhay natin. Merong nakakainis na kuwento sa trabaho, sa mga katrabaho, mga hudas na boss, mga katrabahong kailangan mong pagpasensiyahan. Sa bahay, ganun din, lalo na diyan, kasi book 1-book 2 etc etc ang mga naratibong minsan eh nagsimula bago ka pa ipanganak pero nadadamay ka unnecessarily sa mga dramarama ng ibang karakter sa buhay. Sa buhay pag-ibig ganun din siyempre, kasi may mga kuwento kayong pinanghahawakan nang magkasama, nang indibidwal, at iba pa. 

Kaya allergic din tayo sa stupid people and stupid things.
Stupid stories mostly. Stupid people with stupid stories take the cake.

Kuwento. Maraming kuwento sa buhay, sa bahay, sa labas, sa loob mo. Dala nating lahat ito. Kahit mag-self-evaluate tayo every year at sabihin nating "travel light" at ihahagis natin ang ilang emotional baggage na hindi na kailangan sa buhay, minsan naiiwan ang ilang hibla ng naratibo nito sa utak at puso natin. Paano nga ba alisin iyon?

And that's where OP comes in. Wala, stuck tayo, hindi natin maalis ang mga naratibong ito, ga-hibla man o ga-bungkos ang dami, andiyan sila talaga. Pero puwede mong ibahin ang tingin mo sa naratibo, ibahin mo ang ilang plot points, at puwede mong i-rehash ang ibang karakter. Change the narrative. Ibahin mo lang, kahit konti, ang plotting at blocking, at baka mas mapaayos mo ang problematic story na dala mo lang lagi, o nakikita. Who knows, baka gumaan pa ito, o maging parte ng bagong naratibong mas maganda ang structure, ang delivery, ang characterization, lahat. Nasa sa pagtingin mo ang pinagkaiba. Doon lang nakasalalay ang pagpapagaan mo ng sariling loob mo. Change the narrative. Change the damn narrative.

Goddesses know I carry a lot of narratives right now in my life, some I thought I already closed the chapter and shelved, some keep on rewriting themselves and thus surprising me still. Kuwento. Ano bang kuwento ang gusto kong dalhin pa sa buhay, sa susunod na taon, dekada, parte ng buhay ko? Ano bang kuwento ang gusto kong magtapos na? Ano ang mga gusto ko pang i-rewrite nang i-rewrite hanggang maging publishable na? The first order of business is selecting, the second is deciding. I don't really care right now about my optics, how people see me and my life. At 45, I've passed the point of no return when it comes to giving zero fucks about what people think of me. My work, my work ethics, and my professionalism all speak for themselves. I don't need to hard-sell that. I don't. At this point, I know what I'm worth, and I also know how to balance that worth to do worthy causes of work. It always has to be worthy. Alam ko hindi ko ikayayaman iyon, na inuuna ko ang work na dapat ay may worth. But that is my core, I think, saka nakakabalanse naman ako sa ibang paraan when it comes to monetary compensation. And I've already made peace with that within myself. 

Preach! My professionalism has principles, what can I say. Take it or leave it.

Perhaps a bigger strand of learning here also has to be about how people change their narratives and how the changes affect you. It's inevitable. If you revise, they can also revise. Nariyang may mga kakilala ka, kaibigan even, na umuusad sa ibang direksyon papalayo sa iyo, and that should be okay. Nariyang may mga get-togethers ng mga dati mong kasamahan sa kung saan na hindi ka naiimbita, and that should be fine. May mga proyektong kasama ka sa simula pero iniwanan ka na lang nila o kaya'y kinuha na lang 'yung kontribusyon mo tapos nilaglag ka na, and that should be fine pa rin, kahit nakakainis, but it speaks more about their professionalism (or lack of it) than yours, di ba? Ganun na nga.

Talagang ganun. It's inevitable that you also get rewritten out of other people's narratives, much like how you are rewriting them out of yours. And that should be fine, too. As I near my golden decade, I think it's a new life project to be unlocked: fine-tuning. You whittle down the parts you don't need, polish the parts that need polishing, and dust off what needs to be dusted off. Fine-tuning. It goes hand-in-hand with changing the narrative. And it's the operationalization of the process we call upgrading. Life upgrading. And that is always okay.

Note to self. Since 1995.

My twenties was all about "carpe diem"-ing things. Seize the day! (Shades of Dead Poets Society, I know.) My thirties was more like "No excuses, no apologies" (Hello Brian Kinney fans out there! Thank you QAF.) in tandem with that Warrick Brown philosophy of "Life's too damn short." And now, I think my forties is all about this: "Change the narrative." I am so pop cultured like that heheh. 

But such is life. This life. My life. And I appreciate how it has unfolded, so far. Now, looking forward to how it will still unravel. And maybe we'll discover another nugget na mage-gets natin mula sa iba pang produkto ng kulturang popular. In the meantime, let's just bring out some of that popcorn and red wine, please. 

Cheers, life! Thanks to Buzzfeed for this gif.

Ilang oras na lang, putukan na naman. Goodbye 2018 Hello 2019 ang peg. Ang bilis. Pero okay na rin, na ganito na kumakaripas ang oras, para mas madaling maalpasan ang kailangan nang malagpasan, para din marating na ang mga lugar na kailangan pang puntahan -- sa labas ng bahay mo, at sa loob ng buhay mo. Ikasa na 'yan, beks. Game!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, WORLD! OVER AND OUT -- AND PROUD.

Prying priorities

I suddenly miss the days when I used to write a long-ass status report of my year come its end. Those were the days na masipag pang mag-blog ang mga taong kakilala ko, my friends, my writer contacts, even my non-writer contacts, basta marami. Early 2000s, and I was in my late 20s back then, so siyempre marami pang energies. Come early 30s, same same. We have a lot of things to say -- and we still do -- but we also had more time, opportunity, and chance to write them all back then. 

Iba na kapag kalakarang 40s ka na pala. I started out this decade of my life having much to say pa rin, pero parang few and far between na rin ang blogging ko by that time. Life always gets in the way of things, and so does work. While I'm ever so grateful to the universe na hindi ako nauubusan ng life experiences to write about at hindi ako nauubusan ng raket para mabayaran ko ang mga bayarin ng buhay, oras lang siguro ang hihilingin ko sa ngayon para lang mabalikan ang ilang bagay na gusto kong balikan sa buhay.

Pero hindi pa rin naman guarantee ito. May oras ka nga, pero minsan, iba ang gusto mong gawin din. Magpahinga is on top of that list, tumunganga sa kawalan habang nagmumuni-muni is another, and read books is the close third. Siyempre, hindi pa rin nawawala ang buhay at kabuhayang package stuff, siyempre, so pasingit-singit lang silang lahat diyan. Ang tanong lang: ano ang sisingit saan? 

Priorities. Minsan, iyan ang tinatapon natin sa mukha ng ibang tao para maipamukha natin sa kanila kung ano ang mahalaga sa atin, o kaya'y maningil para masabi nila kung mahalaga ba sila sa buhay mo. Ilang relasyon na rin ba ang pinagdaanan ko na may mga singilang ganito. Meron diyang nagsabing priority daw niya ang mga anak niya, kaya ang pag-deal sa lovelife issues ay hiwalay sa pag-deal sa issues niya sa bahay nila. On the one hand, I somewhat understand this. But on the other, it's also strange to see how things can get categorized that way with her. Ibig sabihin, hindi niya balak pagkrusin ang landas ng dalawa. Nakakatawa, eh paano yun, hahatiin niya ang sarili niya? Hindi naman ako naniningil sa kanyang bigyan niya ako ng panahon, pero binabato niya lagi sa akin na ang priority daw niya ay ang mga anak niya. Did I tell you na may malaking disconnect sa communication sa taong iyon? That's why it was easy to severe ties with that one. I lost 100k in that transaction, by the way, but I just chalked it up to a bad investment, which bought me crucial life lessons in life that are priceless. So ganun na lang 'yun.

Meron namang kabaligtaran dati ng priority singilan, pero hindi pa nga paniningil eh. Biro mo, tatakbo ang isang linggo, dalawa tatlo, isang buwan, dalawang buwan, ni walang communication sa iyo ang jowa mo. Paano 'yun? Magtataka ka na lang kung may jowa ka pa, kung buhay pa ba siya o kung na-abduct na ng alien. Hindi naman priority ang hiningi ko sa kanya, kundi basic decency lang sana, na sana sumagot sa text at tawag ko, para lang malaman kung buhay pa siya, at para malaman ko kung may jowa pa ako! Nakakaloka di ba. May pinagdadaanan lang daw siya, at may dini-deal with lang daw. Pero for 3 months walang comms? Panalo, di ba. Children, before the word "ghosting" was invented, I was freaking living it!!! And this was late 2000s, okay? Kalerks.

Hay, priorities. Noong nagtuturo pa ako sa UP, itong kabarkada ko noong college  na ni-recruit ko ring magturo doon sa alma mater namin, sinabi niyang mas priority na niya ang magkaroon ng tahimik na karaketang estado sa buhay, at ang pagtuturo doon ang nakita niyang magbibigay sa kanya nun. "Dito na tayo tatanda," sabi niya. I panned left, panned right, zoomed in and out sa isip ko sa mga makakasama namin doon sa aming "home for the aged" na 'yun, and I was like HELL NO in my mind. I still wanted to work outside of that office, I still want to travel while working and doing stuff, and I certainly don't want to be tied down to the puny suweldo there kung gusto kong mas umasenso sa buhay. Biro mo, I left an international NGO job that pays me nearly 30k a month, which is huge for 2004 ha, to having a starting salary of what, 17k a month, not even enough to cover my rent and bills at that time. It's a miracle I was able to pull that off before (I had two more jobs back then, mind you), and after 8 years of teaching, my suweldo was just around 35k lang yata, can't even remember kung net or gross pa ito. And with the political bickering happening there, where your promotion to a higher rank (ergo higher pay) solely depends on how good you ass-kiss people in power there, I was like, duuuude, I am SO NOT GROWING OLD HERE. Kaya like a bad lover who didn't take care of you, it was easy for me to up and go din from that relationship, probably the longest one I've had in my life (work-wise and relationship-wise na rin!). And that dude who said na tatanda siya doon? Mas nauna pa siyang nawala doon sa akin, simply because he didn't finish his MA on time, which was a requirement for a professor to teach there. So much for commitment, huh. Well, that guy had problems naman talaga in that department, commitment, so I wasn't surprised at all. 

Priorities. These days, ano ba ang priorities ko? At least wala na akong puprublemahing jowa na maniningil ng ganito. Alam kong mahirap maintindihan minsan ng isang nilalang na kailangan ko ng panahong mapag-isa para makapagsulat, pero at least naiintindihan ito ng kaulayaw ko sa buhay ngayon. Mahirap nung umpisa, pero naintindihan na niya ngayon, ngayong nakakaapat na taon na kaming magkasama, kasi talaga namang work-in-progress pa rin ang pagkakakilala niyo sa isa't isa. Pero masaya ako na naiintindihan na niya, at hindi niya ako sisingilin na i-prioritize ko siya, samantalang ang time away ko from her ay time na gumagawa ako ng pera para sa akin, sa kanya, sa aming lahat. Kaya naiintindihan na niya ito. Nakakaloka lang kung may jowa kang hindi naiintindihan ito, ano?

Naalala ko nga 'yung kuwento nila sa asawa ni National Artist for Literature NVM Gonzalez, na may dedicated wife siyang gumagawa ng lahat sa buhay, para siya, wala siyang ibang gagawin kundi magsulat nang mapayapa sa writing room niya. On the other side of this coin, isa sa mga hinahangaan kong Pinay writer na si Kerima Polotan Tuvera naman, naisingit ang pagsusulat sa gitna ng pag-aalaga sa mga anak, pamamalantsa, pagluluto, at paggawa ng iba pang gawaing bahay habang nagaganap ang domestic duties niya in full force. Wala siyang katulong sa bahay, may asawa pero dahil sa mga dekada '70-'80 ba sila nagsama, panahon ito na hindi shared responsibility ang house duties sa mag-asawa. Siguro tumulong din kahit papaano, pero iba pa rin kapag nanay ang nagpatakbo ng bahay. 

Two coins, one currency. Alin doon ang papahalagahan ko? May panahon kasing parang NVM ako, na mag-isa ako sa buhay, single, kaya nakakapagsulat nang malaya sa bahay kong may writing room. May panahon din namang Kerima ang peg ko, na maraming kailangang gampanan sa buhay pero nagsisingit pa rin ng konting panahon para makapagsulat. Hay. 

These days kasi, lalo na nung pumasok ang dekadang ito, iba na ang nagiging temperament ng buhay. Nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong makapagsulat din ng bonggang-bongga, dalawang libro pa nga ang kinalabasan, pero may panahon ding wala akong panahon sa pagsusulat kasi ang kabuhayan package ay kung saan-saang lupalop ako dinadala. Na of course, hindi ako nagrereklamo, dahil ito naman ang gusto ko sa buhay, di ba? Careful what you wish for, right? Ito na nga 'yun, kaya masaya rin ako na naganap din iyon kahit papaano, natikman kumbaga. May isang friend nga ako na writer din at kapwa NGO worker, sabi niya, tapos na ang mga araw naming nagpapakadakila para sa sining at sa bayan, at kailangan na naming mag-focus sa pagpapayaman. Ewan kung naganap na sa kanya iyon mula nang huli kaming mag-usap, pero sana nga ay maginhawa na rin ang buhay niya tulad ng naging maginhawa ang buhay ko.

Well, 2018 na. Hindi pa rin ako mayamang-mayaman, pero nakakaluwag naman ako sa buhay na ngayon. Natapos ko nang bayaran ang condo ko, kaya maluwag na ako sa aspetong iyon, at may seguridad na ako sa isipan kong may titirhan akong hindi ako palalayasin kung hindi ako nakabayad ng renta. Priorities? Kailangan ko pa ring kumita, kaya ine-explain kong mabuti sa asawa ko na kailangan kong umalis paminsan-minsan kapag may raket, o kailangan kong maglaan ng oras sa trabaho kaya hindi ako makakasama minsan sa kung anuman ang kailangang gawin sa bahay, at naiintindihan niya iyon. Ang priority lang naman namin siguro ay ang maalpasan ang isang araw, linggo, buwan o taon na walang nagkakasakit sa amin, walang nagugutom, walang nadedehado. Hindi lang kasi kami dalawa sa buhay, apat kami, kasi may dalawa siyang anak. Priority namin na mapalaki na maging mabuting mga tao at mamamayan itong dalawang bata in our care. Na sana naman ay maganap.

Ilang tumbling na lang, 2019 na. Tapos panibagong dekada na naman ang susunod. Papasok na ako sa aking golden decade soon. Hindi ko alam kung maghahanap pa ako ng mga priorities sa panahong iyon, o kung may panahon pa akong mapapag-isipan ko ang mga bagay na ito. Pero definitely, hindi siya titigil. Walang titigil sa kalakarang ito ng buhay. Delayed man ng konti o pasingit-singit, okay pa rin. Basta ang mahalaga, buhay ka at humihinga. 

Although napapaisip din ako sa sinabi ni Ricky Lee dati, nang interbyuhin ko siya for a newspaper feature dahil nag-launch siya ng bagong libro. Ang pagsusulat sa kanya ay parang paghinga. I used to feel that way, too. But that definitely has changed for me. And I don't know what the culprit is, that was responsible for that change. Siguro isa, may napapansin din ako lately. Dati, blogging lang ang dahilan kung bakit ako nag-o-online, at nakaka-offline ako nang bongga. Sa 24/7 connectivity natin these days kasi, I think may isang obvious na mistress na umaagaw ng atensyon ko at nagde-demand ng time na makaulayaw ko siya: social media. Kung FB friends tayo, napapansin mo bang hindi na ako masyadong pumupunta doon lately? Mas nasa litrato ako, binabalikan ko ang purity ng online documentation of life kasi sa Instagram. Toxic na pati sa FB, lalo na nitong nakaraang dalawang taon. Hindi rin nakakatulong na nagkaroon tayo ng sobrang toxic online environment dahil sa trolling. Ang troll parang bodyguard ng kabit mo e, na mananakot sa iyo kapag hindi mo ginawa ang gusto ng kabit mo: na magbabad ka sa piling niya sa araw-araw. Parang nawala na ang original novelty of keeping in touch sa social media. Kaya parang nawawalan na ako ng gana sa kanya. Well, I guess sa FB lang naman, pero kasi ang dominante niya sa buhay natin, di ba? Kaya nakakaloka lang minsan.

Hay naku. Priorities. Ano nga ba? I guess it's more like distractions for me, na nauubos ang oras ko minsan sa nakatunganga ako sa social media, pa-scroll scroll. Minsan talaga, kailangan ng unplugging, lalo na't gusto mong magsulat. Saka ka na makisakay ulit kapag nakaahon ka na. Kaya iyan ang naging strategy ko most times this year. Saka parang gusto ko na ngang ibahin ang galawang online ko, kasi nga marami akong nami-miss gawin, at marami akong kailangan ihintong gawain. Priorities. Paglilinis at pag-streamline ng buhay siguro ang kailangan from time to time. And I need to do that soon.

Anyway, sorry at mahabang rant yata itong naisiwalat ko dito. Blame it on being cooped up here at home for almost two weeks now, kasi nagka-sprain ako, and hindi pa yata siya magaling kaya hindi ko maiapak pa. Kaloka. Kaya dito ko muna pagmamasdan ang mundo ko, mula sa bintana ko, dahil priority ko ngayon ang magpagaling -- para makalarga ulit nang bonggang bongga sa buhay.

Happy holidays, folks. 

From my window to yours. Bowie says hi!
[Dec 2018 Marikina]

Homeowner, and a tale of lived beings

Hello. Are you still there? I'm coming back to say -- I still am.

Life has always gotten in the way of many things, we like to say, as humans. But then, I realized that, to be human, a living one, one needs to live a life. For us writers, we need to live life to write about life. And we need to have a life, in order to be able to write.

Confused? Don't be. Sometimes the most convoluted thoughts contain the simplest of truths. You just have to be more aware to figure it out. 

That's how life is, I suppose. A string of truths, hiding in plain sight, but we tend to overlook them, since there are so many distractions, preoccupations, and other things necessary or otherwise.

As a writer, one is also preoccupied with uncovering such truths, or creating to contribute to certain ones out there. But that kind of pursuit is sometimes halted by other things that need more attention at the moment, foremost of which is, as always, making money.

I've made a good deal of my own lately, actually, to the point that I was able to pay off my condo home loan ahead of time. Yes, that also happened: adulting, to the max. In fact, my 15 years-to-pay deal ended this week, after a whopping 10 years. Pucha, biro mo mehn, titulado na ko! I now have property to my name. When I used to teach in UP, I always got a bit sad come SALN-filling time, because I don't really have any assets to declare in that column, but in the liabilities column, there it always was: home loan condo. Well, no more na this year! Thanks to my parents who also had a hand in funding some of the amount that we always had recalculated whenever they had some windfall amount at hand, and also to my own windfall of rakets here and there, we were able to close the loan and the bank handed me my land title this week. 

So yeah, this week, let me add one more title to my list: homeowner. 

Titulado na lola mo, something better than a PhD methinks.

Nakakaloka. After ten years, kaya pala. To think that I "wasted" all those years in Quezon City, renting apartment after apartment, ranging from 8-10k a month, siguro dalawa na ang condo ko ngayon. Pero hindi ko rin naman magagawa ito noon, of course. I started living on my own independently, and like all early independents do, hikahos lang ang simula. I even had roommates in one house, so that we can all share the rent, bilang mga newbie independents kami. 

January 2008, ilang buwan pa lang mula nung turnover.
May sakit ako nito, pero nakakaginhawa sa
utak at kaluluwa na may tanawin akong ganito,
habang nagpapagaling. 

Pero hindi ko rin siguro ipagpapalit ang mga experiences ko na yun sa pagre-rent sa iba't ibang apartment, kasi they also had a hand in forming my character, and sharpening my being. Hindi rin naman kasi traumatic ang ibang moves na iyon, at ang iba pa nga ay looking forward pa ako sa move. Let me tell you some of them in a handful of nutshells:

Move 1: House to jowa's place

I was already working in a film production company in Ortigas when I wanted to move out of our Marikina house already. My father and I didn't get along so well sometimes, and also I felt that it's really time I had a "room of my own." We were in a 2-bedroom bungalow, the best my parents can afford as working middle class professionals back in the '80s, and they're still there now. I made working in Ortigas as a viable excuse for me to move out, but finding a girlfriend who was living in a 3-bedroom house made the move easier. Her mom's relatives owned the house, and she was looking after it, with the 2 other bedrooms leased out to 2 other women as tenants. I went to live with her in the 3rd bedroom, and it lasted for less than a year before we broke up. But after we broke up, the two tenants also ended their lease, and she had to move to Baguio to finish her law degree there. I took over her room as a tenant, and asked two of my close college barkada to rent the other rooms. And that was where our ConCon barkada was born -- in that halfway house in Naranghita.

The late '90s was a hoot. Our film barkada was still intact then.

Some of the housemates I had, and our frequent visitors.
All UP film college barkada, circa 1998.

Instaparty kapag may balikbayan sa amin. 

Instawild din kapag nag-inuman na. This was how Gen-X partied back then. 

But this was not the first time we had a halfway house of sorts, me and my college film berks. We actually had two, which I think prepared my parents for my eventual moving out for good. I think I have to include it here in my listing.

Move 0.1: Temporary (UP) Bliss

It was the sembreak of my last year of film school when my friends and I decided to share the rent in a unit inside the UP Bliss housing. Our film teacher sponsored a film to be done that time, script by my BFF and me directing, shooting in 16mm film ha. That would have been my first, prior to my 16mm film thesis sana, but the project fizzled out for reasons I can't remember anymore. But that several weeks in that UP Bliss gave us a taste of living independently, with roommates, paying bills like an adult, and I suppose it whet all our appetites.

Move 0.2: Mahiyain mode

Right after graduation, a handful of friends wanted to create a raket film production group, which was very rare pa back then (this is mid-'90s folks), and we decided to rent an apartment in Mahiyain street to have a headquarters. Well, we had a glorious first client which helped us pay the bills and rent, but everyone also had more glorious egos that clashed during work. So in short, that fizzled out faster than when it started.

Move 0.3: Maginhawa nga ba?

Another college friend of ours turned out to have his own fizzled film prod raket grouping, so he decided to tap me and my BFF to be new partners. We also tapped another film barkada, and this one was sturdier a samahan because our recruiter friend had a formidable work linkage in the form of this Fil-Canadian lady with a desktop publishing biz. She wanted to form a video production biz din, and she had the equipment, so we were the workers. Her huge home in Maginhawa had a small American-style garage at the back which actually could be converted into a 2-storey living quarters, so we lived there for a few months, too, as we made several rakets for her. But again, personalities crashed, as well as other things I can't recall anymore, and we ended up splitting from that setup, too, me and my BFF. So I went back to my parents' house for a while, until I made that pivotal Move 1. 

Kumu-conceptual photography with a tripod and SLR camera,
with legitimate celluloid film to boot.
Slight naubos pera ko sa kakapa-debelop ng rolyo noon,
but the memories are worth every analog print of it.

Historical preparations, ain't it? 

Move 2: Ex-jowa's house to new ex-jowa's house.

I think it has already been 2 years in that first house in Naranghita when I met a lawyer who became my jowa of 5 years. She was living in a compound owned by her ex's family, and in one of those doors, that ex of hers was also living there. And in another door, another lesbian lawyer was living there, too, who was the jowa of my jowa's ex. Magulo ba? Masusundan mo 'yan kung matalino ka, pramis hahaha! But things went bad with that ex of hers and that ex's jowa, who were living just next door to each other, literally. The jowa cheated, so my ex's ex wanted to move out of there. Meantime, we also wanted to move out already, so we three lesbians of Mabait street went and rented a new place in Mapagkumbaba street, up and down, one bedroom my ex's ex, and one ours. But that ex of hers found a new jowa and eventually moved out of our apartment. As for me, after 5 years, I also found a new me -- one that didn't want to be with her anymore. We were supposed to move into a new space actually, but that moved became a split into two different directions, not one, since I decided to split up with her, for good. 

I transitioned to many jobs during my stay with that 5-year jowa.
The last being this, as a n NGO worker in a feminist media int'l org.
Pivotal, those days. Which also meant I had to pause my MA studies,
since I had to juggle a home life with a really
high maintenance jowa back then.
Yeah, you get one of those from time to time.

As one of her last ditch efforts to keep us intact,
she allowed me to have a ConCon gathering with my
old film buddies again during our last years, since that was
my one reklamo during this relationship: na natanggal ako sa
sirkulo ng friends and arts ko when I was with her.
But even so, it wasn't really enough to make me stay.

My last months in that house, and that relationship.
'Twas when I realized I should love myself more. 

Move 3: Kamuning

My cousin-in-law's parents were renting out a duplex apartment somewhere in K-3rd street, and my cousin was living there with her young family of three in the smaller area. So I ended up renting the bigger area, all by my lonesome. That move was pivotal, since I was starting many lives back then: as a newly "singled" lesbian, a post-showbiz/media worker, post-NGO worker, and now a college professor, and also a new TV director. Which meant that the titser suweldo is not that ideal to keep an 8k a month rent, so I had to augment my income then. That Kamuning time was indeed such a busy time, so busy that my health suffered, so I ended up turning semi-vegetarian to have my lab results even out again. But then, cousin-in-law's parents decided to sell the house, and I had to vacate asap. Salamat ha. Thankfully, I found a new place in an old neigborhood.

The perks of renting a house all by your lonesome is you get to
decorate it however you want. So naturally, my artistic inclinations
arose that time, and I had a better canvas to explore.
Yes, those are windows. It's acrylic, so it washes off easily.

One of my prized possessions back then: a theatrical poster of Tomb Raider,
from my newspaper entertainment editor days. Sayang nasira.

Wherever I lived, even if it was temporary, I made sure it was homey. 

I also had preference for high ceilings.
Not a claustrophobic, but I dunno, I just felt like it.

Move 4: Naranghita part deux

A good deal of my teaching life was spent living in another part of Naranghita street, where the rent is basically the same as before. It's interesting to be back in the Anonas area at that time, a little bit older and wiser, but maybe still a bit stupid in the love department. See, when I was about to do Move 3, I met someone else right after I split with my ex of 5 years. She thought I two-timed her (at iyon ang pinagkalat niya sa mga tao), but that's not really the case (and I don't actually care kung ano ang pinagkalat niya sa akin, kasi I know the real score). This girl I met wasn't really such a good one for me, that's why the relationship never really became solid to begin with; it only served as a catalyst for me to jumpstart many things left dormant by the 5 year relationship. But she wasn't the sole catalyst, of course. Going back to the media grind also helped, thanks to my college barkada-slash-former housemates. But this girl just kept being present in my life, even after making Move 3. And she even came to me during Move 4, but only her things moved with me, because she stupidly moved out of her and her brother's own rented apartment back then, her without a plan, her brother moving into his own small apartment, so she ended up hauling her things in my place. "Pakilagay" lang daw, pero tuwing lilipat ako, nakikilipat din siya. The nerve, di ba. Even if I was already dating another person during this time, in this space, andiyan pa rin itong isa, nakikigulo. Hay naku, how did I even enter such predicaments back then is beyond me. All I know is that I'm glad they all ended.

Kahit katiting lang, dapat ang tirahan ko ay may bintana,
kung saan maaari kong matanaw ang langit at
ilang bahagi ng lupang may luntiang nagkalat.
Sa masikip na espasyong ito, puwede na
rin ito noon, pansamantala.

Ang chaka lang ng view, pero at least meron.

Dito ko muling naharap ang MA studies ko,
kaya naging espasyo ng pag-aaral ang bahay na ito.

Hindi ko alam kung premonition ito na hindi ako magtatagal sa espasyong ito,
pero hindi na ako masyadong ginanahan sa pagde-decor nito,
di tulad dun sa Kamuning dati. Kaya ganito lang
kasimple ang nilagay ko doon, para lang may bahid ng ako ang espasyo.

Ang lagi kong kasama sa mga paglilipat: ang pusa ko, at ang kurant ko.
Pareho nang wala sa buhay ko ngayon, kasi bawal na.

Move 5: Condo living

So finally, this is it, pansit! No more lingering ex-jowas to make sabit in this move, because this one is a purchase already. No more renting. No more sabits. The girl I was dating prior to this move, she also graced this space from time to time, but she had her own space with her son somewhere else. That immediately fizzled anyway, and then another person came into my life then. That one lived here for a good two years, before getting herself knocked up by a man. Galing, di ba? For a while I felt trapped here, since before, if an old relationship finished, I can also move out of the apartment and rent a new one. Not here. So what I did was, when I finally had enough cash, I disposed of all, I mean ALL, of my previous home furnishings, and replaced them with new ones: couch, TV display, TV, corner shelves, dining table, name it! Living room and dining room showcase ang change pare, even bedroom showcase. Mahihiya ang The Price is Right sa pinamigay ko nun. Pero na-cleanse na naman ang espasyo, at napalitan na ng ibang energies, kaya eto na siya, okay na.

At ngayon, akin na. Akin na talaga.

The moment I saw these kinda picture windows,
I was hooked. I knew I was home.

Ready for Occupy Marikina project again,
after 10 years of being in QC.
I mean, look at those windows, and the view!

Sa tuwing mag-eempake ako noon, feeling ko
sasadsad ako sa depression sa kung anumang kadahilanan.
Ewan ko ba kung bakit. Signos ng pagtatapos
siguro ng isang chapter, malamang. Pero itong hakot na ito,
wala, walang ganun. Kaya alam kong tama siya.

Mas marami nang puwedeng galawan, kahit papaano.
Level up na ang buhay, salamat sa kalawakan.

I always called this space my sanctuary, because it was. When the world is feeling mighty mighty low, at least I have a space I can retreat to, hibernate if you will, so I can recharge whatever needs recharging in my soul. For a time there, I also thought of this space as my Fortress of Solitude, because I lived here with no one and nothing but my thoughts, and Jor-el would be proud. Ninja training fortified. Before, I used to treat my temporary shelters as a respite, a stopover to wherever life will take me next, whatever I'm doing in life at that particular moment. But this time, no more of that. Having some kind of permanence also gave my being some peace of mind as I struggled to live here. 'Twas a struggle sometimes, indeed, especially financially, but I'm glad it turned out fine. Really fine.

And now, it's legally mine. 

No matter what the mood, the space is a safe one for me.
(Salamat din sa Rosco lighting gels swatch
na nakuha ko sa US sa eksperimentong ito).

I turned 45 this year. Sometimes I feel it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes all of these memories are crystal clear, sometimes they're just a blur. But when I recall the spaces I've lived in, it somewhat makes recollections easier, since there are automatic groupings, new chapter headings if you will, of this narrative I call my life. I guess now, now that this space is all mine, it's when Book Two starts naman. No more chapters. No more snippets. Sarado na ang unang libro, at panibagong simula na naman ang bubuksan nito sa buhay ko.

Sige lang. Andito lang ako, humihinga. Tignan natin kung ano ang maiuuwi ko naman ngayon, sa puntong ito ng buhay ko.

Siya nawa.

Kampai! At ibalik ang ibang kinaligtaan sa buhay.

And yes, thank you, you, for still reading this space. More to come. Pramis!