Of Queen's Gambit moves and love gambles

Funny what binge-watching a Netflix series at the wee hours of Samhain would pop out: truths that kill regrets. It's Dia De Los Muertos, after all. 

Something has to die. 

And for me, what died but I'm not mourning over is the reason for the pain that still envelops me once in a while. All because of this pivotally poignant scene in The Queen's Gambit:

Moses Ingram (Jolene) and Anya Taylor-Joy (Beth).
Their chemistry works.

Love the way this scene was shot. The camera dollies in from a floor level angle, going toward the actors that play orphan pals Jolene and Beth, until it ends in this full shot of them sitting on the racquetball court floor. Jolene is the unofficial BFF of chess prodigy Beth, and they meet up years later when the former is working/studying to become a lawyer while the latter is trying to juggle her drinking and pill-popping habits with winning chess tournaments. 

This scene from the last episode is where Beth tells Jolene she needs the money to fly to Russia to compete with the greatest grandmaster there, and Jolene offers to share 3k to make it happen. And three grand is huge for the late '60s, when this story is set. 

Their conversation struck me hard. Jolene said Beth can pay her back when she wins in Russia. "What if I don't win?" replied the laconic prodigy. "It's still worth it," retorted Jolene, expounding on how they always got each other's back anyway, even if they're not physically together, or just because they're not related doesn't mean they don't support each other. Growing up as orphans in a Catholic-run orphanage had its challenges, but they coped.

Jolene's dialogue is just golden:

"For a time, I was all you had. And for a time, you was all I had. I'm not your guardian angel. I'm not here to save you. Heck, I can't even save me! I'm here because you need me to be here. That's what family does. That's what we are."

Gold. Can't get more sparkly than that.

And that's when I realized something, out of the myriad of love gambles I have had in this lifetime -- that a partner should be family, should be treated as one, and not as an entity that's separate from that concept. 

Family. How do we define it and how do we reinvent it -- as lesbians, as women, as Filipinos, as fortysomethings. It's different for each of us yet similar as well. Parallel, perhaps, I don't know. Sometimes you just need to be there for your partner, your girlfriend, the love of your life, whatever you term each other. Just be there. And being there means understanding what they need at a certain moment, at a precise turning point in their lives, during a phase whether challenging or celebratory. Just be there. And being there means understanding who your partner is, and what your partner really needs. Really, really needs -- according to who she is, not according to who she is to you.

Boom. Mic drop. Di ba lang.

But understanding doesn't often go hand-in-hand with loving, much less listening, more so being there, and caring. It's different. Alien, sometimes. Some say love and understanding are a package deal. Open the package and unbox something else, folks.

Truths.

There's this book that theorized our love languages, saying we all have variations. And by understanding love languages, we would achieve harmony in relationships. But often, what happens is that we impose our love language on our partner. We tend to forget that we sometimes speak differently when it comes to caring. Your version of care may not be applicable to her, or may not be what she needs at the moment, at that life stage, during that life phase. Are you mature enough to realize the nuances? 

But still, we insist. Even if our partners tell us otherwise, we still insist. And this has been the move that baffles me, each and every time a relationship is about to end on my part. I don't understand why it becomes difficult to see three, five, ten moves ahead, that we'll eventually be checkmated out of a mate, for real, if we don't check closely. If three moves are too demanding for some, how about one? Just one move, anticipate it next, before it's too late. One fucking move.

Sadly, life ain't a chessboard, 'no? Nyet.

No.

I'm not a big chess fan but I taught myself how to play this sport, just like I taught myself how to play that colorful Chinese Checkers boardgame lying around sa bahay ng lola ko where I grew up. My papa was a big fan and a player in his youth, that's why I hear about certain grandmaster names from him. Something something Kasparov, Spassky, Fischer, ganyan. There was a chessboard set kept in the house somewhere, and I found it interesting to play during my early years -- before the Atari arrived. But that's for another blog post. 

And little did I know that the basics of this game would serve as philosophical foundations I would enact in my lifetime. For instance, touch move ka na ba? Kasi may laro doon na once hinawakan mo ang piece, kailangan mong igalaw ito. Same with life; can you really "return to sender" many of your decisions, your actions, your thoughts, your words, kapag nailabas na? Madalas hindi. Napasubo ka na kung napasubo, kaya ituloy mo na lang at panindigan mo. Or, kung takot kang lumabas sa comfort zone, hanggang kailan ka mananatiling trapped sa square mo na 'yan? 

Touch move.

And making guesses, educational or intuition level man, also characterizes the game. Kapag sinabi ko ito, ano kaya ang sasabihin niya? Kapag ginawa ko ito, ito ang puwedeng maging resulta, saka ito, saka ito pa, hanggang sa dumating dito sa dulo, hanggang ito na ang ending. In scriptwriting and fiction writing, we call this the "cause and effect chain" of storytelling: ang isang cause ay nagiging effect, pushing the narrative forward. The effect of that cause then becomes another cause that produces another effect, and so on and so forth. Moves. Anticipate the moves. That's why chess players stare at the board for so long kahit akala mo walang nangyayari. Nasa utak nila ang laro; iniisip nila at ina-anticipate ang countermoves sa moves nila. 

You'll see that a lot in this 7-ep limited series. Which is finely acted, by the way, and I love the '60s chic and groove, plus the "quiet cinema" style of filmmaking it employed, which is often rare for TV series kasi nga TV needs constant "audio hooks" in the form of dialogues or overwhelming music. Pero minsan, tahimik lang ang eksena dito, and you can enjoy the visual spectacle neatly presented in a scene. Man, it made chess exciting, what can I say. Kahit hindi ka player, the characters will also hook you. So yes, it's that good, in my book.

Based pala siya sa isang 1983 coming-of-age novel.
It's super-feminist actually. 

At nakakaaliw dahil habang naaaliw na naman ako sa kakapanood ng series, deluge of nuggets rain on me like this current typhoon we're having.  

So this Queen's Gambit thing explained, according to this chess website:

The Queen’s Gambit is probably the most popular gambit. The objective of the queen’s gambit is to temporarily sacrifice a pawn to gain control of the center of the board. It's one of the most popular openings because of its attacking prowess. White will be attacking and it will be up to black to defend correctly. If you enjoy putting constant pressure on your opponent, then the queen’s gambit is a perfect opening for you.

Meaning ito ang ginagamit ng isa sa pagbukas ng laro, at doon na minsan natitimpla ang takbo ng laro at kung paano magre-respond ang kalaban. Di ba parang relasyon lang? Paano ninyo binuksan o sinimulan ang pagiging magkasama? At gaano ninyo katagal kinailangang kilalanin ang isa't isa? Ano-anong mga piyesa sa chessboard of your lovelife ang kinailangan ninyong i-sacrifice, i-give up, i-corner, i-rescue from being trapped? 

Puta napaisip ako dito lekat. Pampatulog lang dapat ang ilang episodes nito, pero I ended up binge-watching it because these truths suddenly appeared to me, like how the chessboard appears to Beth the prodigy in a hallucinatory way while she's on drugs. Watch it to know what I mean. Kahit hindi ka mahilig sa chess, itatawid ka ng show sa storytelling.

Tulad ng ginagawa ng mga chess players na pine-play out ang moves/games nila even after the game is done, manalo man o matalo sila, bigla kong naisip na i-play out ang mga naging opening ko sa lovelife, or opening nila, sino ba ang nagga-gambit sa amin, palitan ba, at ano na ang mga naisakripisyo kong piyesa para lang manatili sila sa laro, o manatili pa akong nakikipaglaro.

Di ba sabi ng isang quote,
"When love is no longer being served on the table,
it's time to get up."
Parang ganun ang nuggets na na-gets ko
sa show na ito as they're playing chess.

Alam nating maraming pagkakataon na kailangan ka nang umatras dahil natatalo ka na, na kahit anong uri ng remedyong gawin mo, wala eh, wala talaga, walang wala. Pero puwede itong gawin sa madiplomasyang paraan. Tulad ng itinuro ng orphanage custodian sa child chess prodigy noong umpisa pa lang, kailangan alam mo na kung kailan ihihinto ang laro.

"You have to resign now."

Resign. Resign the game. Stop it, if it's not worth killing your brain cells over na. Minsan ang hirap. Napako ka na sa pagkakaupo sa harap ng board, tulad ng napako ka na sa isang relasyong sa tingin mo ay hindi ka mabubuhay kapag nawala ito. Kaya kahit hindi na maganda sa laro mo, kapit-tuko ka sa partner mo dahil may pangangailangan itong naidudulot -- or so you think. Or so you are TRAINED or CONDITIONED to think.

Mahirap din naman kasi to just easily resign, admit defeat, add another failed relationship to your growing listahan sa tindahan ni Aling Nenang Sawi or whatnot. Minsan naman, may nagwo-work pa naman sa samahan ninyo talaga, kaya lang may mga dealbreakers ka ring hindi na mapalampas na. Kaya sometimes, nakikipag-break ka after 6 months lang, o minsan after 6 years, even 6 days kung talagang may kahindik-hindik kang di matanggap-tanggap. It's your stats. Depende talaga ang laro sa kalaro mo. Depende rin ito sa kung paano mo lalaruin ang laro, at ang kalaro mo.

Hay jusme. Love. Gamble. Same same. Anuna earth. How do we do diz.

Nakakaloka ang mga life revelations na ito. Grabe lang. Of course, this is not the first time I get inspired by pop culture fare or literature or art or theater and out pours nuggets of wisdom na na-gets ko sa mga works na ito, my favorite being the classic Warrick Brown philosophy I blogged way back 2010 pa about one of my favorite CSI characters. Puta, a decade ago na pala. Grabe lang, this earth. 

Family -- that's what we are, sabi sa Queen's Gambit. Family -- that's what we're not, sabi sa Bayli Gambit.

I resign.

It was easier to move when I saw it played out in front of me. I can see where she's heading, and I can see where she's not. Ayoko nang umabot sa mas madugo pang checkmate-an, kaya mas madiplomasyang paraan na lang ng pagtatapos ang naganap. But of course, diplomatic doesn't mean not equally devastating nor gut-wrenching. Hence the pain.

Life could still be a dream, sweetheart, 
to paraphrase that song.
Indeed, new ones can still be captured.
Abre los ojos. See better.

Well, in the immortal words of that song, here's where the story ends. But that's okay. Na-checkmate ka man ng buhay, laging andiyan lang ang laro. Up to you if you wanna pick it up. In the immortal words of yet another song, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Cause and effect. Just keep moving your narrative forward -- gambit or no gambit.

Anyway, have a safe week ahead of you. Ingat sa bagyo, folks. Over and out -- and proud. 

The gospel according to Olivia Pope

I've been watching Scandal slowly during the last quarter of 2018, always in between work breaks (during lunch or dinner breaks actually), but I was able to fully rush it when I got a sprain mid-December, so I was able to watch the show unfold until the second to the last season. Currently on the 7th and final season, and I'm already feeling sepanx with Olivia Pope and the "gladiators in suits" gang.

Love this ensemble. Too bad some of them dropped out one by one.
Ah, showbiz. Thanks to this site for compiling these quotes.

Katukayo ko pa naman si bakla, at naaliw ako nung tumambad sa akin itong characteristic niya:

Excerpt from this site. Hay katukayo, apir!

Hahaha that is SOOOO ME mga more than five years ago or so. Nothing but popcorn and wine for meals. Which horrified a certain someone when she met me, and dropped a quote of her own saying "Popcorn is not a meal" hihihi (she actually messages to check if I ate an actual meal). Nearly five years later, ayan, sweetheart ko pa rin siya, and we're eating much more than popcorn hehe. But I digress.

I love this show because I get many stuff here that makes me go "uh-huh..." and it's well-scripted and well-acted. OA lang 'yung dialoguing minsan pero kinekeri naman nina Kerry Washington kahit papaano. Uneven ang directing pace minsan, depende yata on who's behind the cam per episode. But that's TV life, kaya keri na rin.

Rule of thumb ko ito, bakla. Ever!
Thanks to this site for compiling these quotable quotes. 

But what I like about shows that make me think are the quotes and thoughts I get from them. Bibihira lang yata ang mga ito dumating sa buhay ko, na nagiging parte ng pilosopiya ko sa buhay. Last decade, it was the Warrick Brown philosophy that stuck to me, which is narrated in full here in this post. Warrick is that dude na namatay after some seasons sa original CSI, and the nugget na na-gets kong wisdom sa kanya back then is this simplicity: "Life's too damn short."

Life is too short indeed. Thus, it became a mantra. From the late 2000s to the early 2010s, I found myself doing more courageous things, calculated risks of course, being the Taurus-Ox that I am, but still, things that those around me didn't think I can/will actually do, or things I myself didn't think na I can pull off easily -- but I did! I've been busy taking risks and going into new things, that's why I also had some lag here in my blogging life. But that's totally fine, because we don't exist online only, right? Online is life, but offline is lifer! Chos.

And this is actually the reason why some work circles
tried to ease me out during this risk-taking era.
Bibihira kasi sa kanila ang may bite. Puro bark lang sila.
Alam mo 'yung tunog lata, walang laman sa loob? Yeah, that's them.
So I just up and left. Kebs! I can do many things in my life,
but kiss ass for promotion is not in my list, ever!

Late to the Shonda Rhimes party, I've been hearing/reading about this much-hailed TV exec na showrunner ng How To Get Away With Murder. 'Yun actually ang sinimulan ko sa Netflix na nagandahan din ako sa writing and of course Viola Davis in the lead haller. Pero nauumay ako sa style ng show minsan, also the storylines, kasi to quote one of the characters there named Bonnie, "whiny millennials" ang lagi niyang katrabaho hahaha. I feel ya Bonnie, I feel ya. And then, when they crossed one season with Scandal and saw OP strut her stuff, I was like "Ito muna panonoorin ko!" Kaya ayan, hindi ko na siya mabitawan pa. Later na kita babalikan, Lola Viola, and your whiny millennial law students lol. 

Since she heads a crisis management firm, I like how the show discussed the appearance of things in face of a scandal. It's deeper than branding, and certainly deeper than PR, and I love how they call it: OPTICS.

Optics. How would a certain thing, behavior or action look like to others, to specific target audiences, to the general population? I like it that there's a deeper discussion than mere surface optics, and you get to understand how the picture you see came to be, after the machinations worked to project it. 

Optics. I have been blinded by some people's optics, organizations as well, which projected one thing or another. And during this risk-taking era, I was able to "decode the Matrix" and see what was beyond the surface as well. That's why it was also easier to trade in some hats for other hats, work-wise. 

Love matters were the same. There was actually one instance where I should have trusted my gut more, something Olivia Pope always put forward, something that she swears by. I, too, used to feel this way, act this way even, sensing my gut feel of things, and then decide on walking out or staying put. I met this girl sometime in 2013 who turned out to be a player (neng, wala actually sa hitsura niya, kaya gulantang lola mo sa big reveal!). And I just discovered that she was playing me when another jowa of hers messaged me, saying na sila na daw. And to corroborate, I talked to this girl's circle of friends, mga pinakilala niya sa akin in the flesh pa ha, and this one friend confessed na lima daw pala kami na dine-date niya at the same time! Hahaha lima, motherfucker, lima! What fucking guts this girl has, no? Kakaiba. And the optics? I actually saw early on that this was not a "pang-forever" girl, but I still went out with her and all that shiz. Buti naman at ilang buwan lang naman kami actually, then pumutok na ang scandal. Kakaloka. Five at a time, man. So those kinds of girls really do exist. I thought my bullshit radar was up and running, but she was somehow able to smokescreen it. Pero hindi naman ako bentang-benta din kasi, so I guess my BS detection reserves kicked in pa rin that time. Good going, Taurus-Ox. 

While I admire what Jake was preaching here, sometimes it takes
a "bigger man" to simply step back and walk away. In my case,
a "bigger woman." I know I am owed, but the universe repays
 in great ways. It has happened before, many times,
so I know it can happen again. save myself the agony of tragic plots.

But the very OP nugget I was able to get from this show is this: 

"Change the narrative."

This means, you can change the way people see things, perceive things, interpret the story, scrutinize the narrative at hand. When OP had a client embroiled in a scandal, there are ways of "changing the narrative" that happened. Ano ang reason why, ano ang motivation, bakit ganun ang kinalabasan, ano ang prequel? Those are the narratives that they can change, in  order to change the conversation around the scandalous event at hand. 

And that hit me, hard. Oo nga, change the narrative. Kapag may hindi magandang aspeto, kailangang ibahin mo ang pananaw mo, shift perspectives, kasi mas lilinaw sa kabilang banda kung iibahin mo rin ang pagtingin mo sa ibang bagay, at kung ire-revise mo ang naratibong panghahawakan mo sa buhay. It's a reinterpretation actually of a motto I put in my first and only photo blog, now defunct, where I said "When life's a blur, refocus." This time, when you refocus, the picture gets clearer, but you can also change the picture altogether, and see something better. So in a way, yes, it's a bit deeper, and more insightful. And it works better for me.

Lahat kasi tayo, may dinadalang maraming kuwento sa buhay. Iba-iba ang subplot na dala-dala natin sa maraming sektor ng buhay natin. Merong nakakainis na kuwento sa trabaho, sa mga katrabaho, mga hudas na boss, mga katrabahong kailangan mong pagpasensiyahan. Sa bahay, ganun din, lalo na diyan, kasi book 1-book 2 etc etc ang mga naratibong minsan eh nagsimula bago ka pa ipanganak pero nadadamay ka unnecessarily sa mga dramarama ng ibang karakter sa buhay. Sa buhay pag-ibig ganun din siyempre, kasi may mga kuwento kayong pinanghahawakan nang magkasama, nang indibidwal, at iba pa. 

Kaya allergic din tayo sa stupid people and stupid things.
Stupid stories mostly. Stupid people with stupid stories take the cake.

Kuwento. Maraming kuwento sa buhay, sa bahay, sa labas, sa loob mo. Dala nating lahat ito. Kahit mag-self-evaluate tayo every year at sabihin nating "travel light" at ihahagis natin ang ilang emotional baggage na hindi na kailangan sa buhay, minsan naiiwan ang ilang hibla ng naratibo nito sa utak at puso natin. Paano nga ba alisin iyon?

And that's where OP comes in. Wala, stuck tayo, hindi natin maalis ang mga naratibong ito, ga-hibla man o ga-bungkos ang dami, andiyan sila talaga. Pero puwede mong ibahin ang tingin mo sa naratibo, ibahin mo ang ilang plot points, at puwede mong i-rehash ang ibang karakter. Change the narrative. Ibahin mo lang, kahit konti, ang plotting at blocking, at baka mas mapaayos mo ang problematic story na dala mo lang lagi, o nakikita. Who knows, baka gumaan pa ito, o maging parte ng bagong naratibong mas maganda ang structure, ang delivery, ang characterization, lahat. Nasa sa pagtingin mo ang pinagkaiba. Doon lang nakasalalay ang pagpapagaan mo ng sariling loob mo. Change the narrative. Change the damn narrative.

Goddesses know I carry a lot of narratives right now in my life, some I thought I already closed the chapter and shelved, some keep on rewriting themselves and thus surprising me still. Kuwento. Ano bang kuwento ang gusto kong dalhin pa sa buhay, sa susunod na taon, dekada, parte ng buhay ko? Ano bang kuwento ang gusto kong magtapos na? Ano ang mga gusto ko pang i-rewrite nang i-rewrite hanggang maging publishable na? The first order of business is selecting, the second is deciding. I don't really care right now about my optics, how people see me and my life. At 45, I've passed the point of no return when it comes to giving zero fucks about what people think of me. My work, my work ethics, and my professionalism all speak for themselves. I don't need to hard-sell that. I don't. At this point, I know what I'm worth, and I also know how to balance that worth to do worthy causes of work. It always has to be worthy. Alam ko hindi ko ikayayaman iyon, na inuuna ko ang work na dapat ay may worth. But that is my core, I think, saka nakakabalanse naman ako sa ibang paraan when it comes to monetary compensation. And I've already made peace with that within myself. 

Preach! My professionalism has principles, what can I say. Take it or leave it.

Perhaps a bigger strand of learning here also has to be about how people change their narratives and how the changes affect you. It's inevitable. If you revise, they can also revise. Nariyang may mga kakilala ka, kaibigan even, na umuusad sa ibang direksyon papalayo sa iyo, and that should be okay. Nariyang may mga get-togethers ng mga dati mong kasamahan sa kung saan na hindi ka naiimbita, and that should be fine. May mga proyektong kasama ka sa simula pero iniwanan ka na lang nila o kaya'y kinuha na lang 'yung kontribusyon mo tapos nilaglag ka na, and that should be fine pa rin, kahit nakakainis, but it speaks more about their professionalism (or lack of it) than yours, di ba? Ganun na nga.

Talagang ganun. It's inevitable that you also get rewritten out of other people's narratives, much like how you are rewriting them out of yours. And that should be fine, too. As I near my golden decade, I think it's a new life project to be unlocked: fine-tuning. You whittle down the parts you don't need, polish the parts that need polishing, and dust off what needs to be dusted off. Fine-tuning. It goes hand-in-hand with changing the narrative. And it's the operationalization of the process we call upgrading. Life upgrading. And that is always okay.

Note to self. Since 1995.

My twenties was all about "carpe diem"-ing things. Seize the day! (Shades of Dead Poets Society, I know.) My thirties was more like "No excuses, no apologies" (Hello Brian Kinney fans out there! Thank you QAF.) in tandem with that Warrick Brown philosophy of "Life's too damn short." And now, I think my forties is all about this: "Change the narrative." I am so pop cultured like that heheh. 

But such is life. This life. My life. And I appreciate how it has unfolded, so far. Now, looking forward to how it will still unravel. And maybe we'll discover another nugget na mage-gets natin mula sa iba pang produkto ng kulturang popular. In the meantime, let's just bring out some of that popcorn and red wine, please. 

Cheers, life! Thanks to Buzzfeed for this gif.

Ilang oras na lang, putukan na naman. Goodbye 2018 Hello 2019 ang peg. Ang bilis. Pero okay na rin, na ganito na kumakaripas ang oras, para mas madaling maalpasan ang kailangan nang malagpasan, para din marating na ang mga lugar na kailangan pang puntahan -- sa labas ng bahay mo, at sa loob ng buhay mo. Ikasa na 'yan, beks. Game!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, WORLD! OVER AND OUT -- AND PROUD.