sabi sa commercial ni juday...

"madami ang magaling gumawa pero
konti lang ang marunong magturo"

tell that to our overconfident students!

kasi tama yan!

ilang batikang chenelyn ng pelikula na ang inimbitahan kong magturo sa aming film institute pero tumanggi sila dahil sa hindi daw sila marunong magturo. may ganun talaga. mahirap ituro ang ginagawa mo minsan. pero depende sa gawain din. tulad ng isang instructor ngayon na magaling sa isang larangan ng pelikula. kapag hinihiling kong magturo siya ng ibang sabjek, hindi niya talaga daw kaya. kaya naiintindihan ko naman iyon. kasi nga, ang tawag doon e "specialization."

kaya naiinis ako sa ilang mayabang na estudyante minsan na nagtatanong kung bakit si teacher ganito o ganyan e nagtuturo ng ganito o ganyang sabjek. ano daw ang k ng mga ito na magturo ng ibang ganito o ganyang sabjek na sa akala nila'y labas sa kilalang kaalaman at talento ng gurong iyon.

hindi pa yata alam ng mga ito ang "lumang uso" sa buhay ng henerasyon namin, ang konsepto ng MULTI-TASKING. saka kasi din MULTI-TALENTED din kami kaya ganun. kunwari, hindi lang ako photographer at filmmaker pero literary writer din ako.

kaya minsan napaka-wengwang ng ilang guidelines sa paghingi ng grant sa unibersidad. sabi dito, hindi ka puwedeng humingi ng grant para gumawa ng isang creative work kung ang gagawin mong work ay nasa labas ng iyong disiplinang pinagtuturuan.

HA???????

e patay na. sino na lang kaya ang puwede sa grant na yun?

ang mga nagtuturong manunulat, gumagawa rin ng pelikula.
ang mga nagtuturo sa pelikula, gumagawa rin sa teatro.
ang mga nagtuturo sa broadcasting, abogado rin.
ang mga nagtuturo ng peryodismo, nagtatrabaho din sa radyo at NGO

di ko magets. ang archaic ng parameters. well, tignan na lang natin if this works. abangan...

at habang nag-aabang, eto ang sabi ng manunulat na si bien lumbera na dati kong guro sa film theory and criticism class:


IMBITASYON SA FEBRUARY 29 INTERFAITH RALLY
Tula mula kay National Artist for Literature Bienvenido Lumbera

Bayang Filipinong ayaw nang pagago
Sa mga pakana ng gobyernong Arroyo,
Sa a-beinte-nueve (29) ng buwang Pebrero,
Dumalo sa rally at lalaban tayo.

Sobrang-sobra na ang ating tiisin,
Ang pangungurakot, pagsisinungaling,
Sagad hanggang buto, dapat nang matigil,
Di tayo aatras sa Pangulong Evil.


teka, san ba ito magaganap?

relate ako kay paulo coehlo and other writer blues

got this excerpt from his interview in goodreads.com.


GR: You have stated that each of your books was written over a period of only two to four weeks. Describe a typical day spent writing.

PC: When I finally feel I’m ready to embark on a new book, I always go through the following cycle that takes me from two weeks to a month. Before going to bed I have everything planned: I will wake up early and dedicate myself solely to the novel I’m writing. The only thing is, when I wake up I decide to browse through the net, then it’s time for my walk. When I come back I quickly check my mails and before I know it it’s already 2:30 p.m. and time to have lunch. After which I always take a sacrosanct nap. When I wake up at 5 p.m. I come back to my computer, check another set of emails, visit my blogs, read the news. Then it is already time for dinner—and at this point I’m feeling extremely guilty for not fulfilling my goal of the day. After dinner, I finally sit at my desk and decide to write. The first line takes a bit, but quickly I’m submerged in the tale and ideas take me to places that I never thought I would tread. My wife calls me to go to bed but I can’t, I need to finish the line, then the paragraph, then the page...It goes on like this until 2–3 a.m. When I finally decide to go to bed, I still have many ideas in my mind—that I carefully note down on a piece of paper. I know, though, that I’ll never use this—I’m simply emptying my mind. When I finally rest my head on my pillow I make the same oath—that the next day I’ll wake up early and that I’ll write the whole day long. But this is useless: The next day I wake up late and this cycle starts all over again.


wow. sapok ito, 'te!

kaya minsan, di maganda ang masyadong exposed sa internet. nakakatamad hehe. mas masipag pa mag-blog kesa magsulat ang iba minsan. including me. hehe.

kaya kelangan na naman tumambay sa nearest friendly neighborhood café to write. lalo na ng thesis. waaah. *pushing my pwet*

yun nah.

*

hm, may script akong sinulat eons ago entitled "kemikal." gawin ko na lang kayang nobela ito. slight kahawig sa "alchemist" di bala? and then i will change my name to "paula kwelah" hehehe.

nabubuang na ko.

*

actually, ang alam ko, sa ganung paraan din nasulat ni jk rowling ang harry potter. at least the first book or the subsequent outlines. tumambay siya sa london cafés.

dream ko pa ring makatambay isang araw sa isang parisian café while writing on my notebook journal. pag nagawa ko na yon, okay na ko.

*

aarrrgh kelan ako magkakaroon ng time magbasa! aarrrrgghh. i miss books. and their smell.

which reminds me. i have to pick up my powerbooks card renewal chever.

*

i recently found out from a writer friend that my ex of long ago conducted a sale of her stuff before flying out of the country. some of the things she sold were -- tadaaaan -- my books! the books i own, i mean, na nasa kanya pala. no wonder i lost some titles in my collection. natangay pala niya when we separated. and she sold them! the bitch.

at paano nalaman ng writer friend ko? kasi siya ang isa sa mga nakabili. pero di pa kami magkakilala at that time. kaya napaisip siya when he finally met me. sayang lang dahil na-resell niya ang books na iyon dati.

stranger than fiction indeed.

*

oo nga pala, the morning that the kmjs program was to air, their researcher texted me and said kinatay ng executive producer nila ang pink films segment where i was interviewed. nakatay daw ang ilang interviews, kasama na ang sa akin.

hmp. and to think i sacrificed a trip to dapitan that afternoon for them. laos. e di sana andami ko nang bagong cute plates ngayon. buset.

moments to ponder

i was ready to sleep about 2 hours ago but the rain kinda disturbed my chuva. so here we are.

or maybe it's my mind overflowing with thoughts about feelings my heart and soul cherishes right now.

i had a very interesting weekend and heard a lot of interesting words from people i found to be interesting and people who are interested in me and my well-being. things like "nahihirapan ako 'pag wala ka" or "na-miss kita" or "goodnight tita" or "uy, ang galing mo naman" were nice to hear.

nakakatuwa. at nakakataba ng puso.

ang pag-alaga at pag-aruga talaga ay mga bagay na madali akong masapul. ganun talaga e...

this was a nice long weekend of sorts.

saturday
- i was able to write something i've been meaning to write
- watched an enriching and exciting cultural show with dear friends
- learned just how someone i love value me truly

sunday
- met a very interesting celebrity who is actually sensible
- ate mega-delicious comfort food prepared by someone dear

monday
- had great finds of some neeed things
- sat in what might be a profitable future venture
- shared moments with friends' family

details soon. or some other time.

i'm dreading the work week facing me in the next two weeks. but this long weekend moments are great reminders that i should just smile in the face of detraction and tap into this positivity when negativity is thrown my way. these are the threads of my new cloak. and they better be careful--the material is stronger than wonder woman's wrist props.

in short, talbog pabalik sa kanila :P

writer geek

okay, so bakit after 2 beers before midnight e this is what i get:

65 words

Speed test

a freaking increase in speed power. speed of the fingers! ahah! mukhang may use ito in the near future hahahahaha chos! baby, after two bottles! hahahah.

*

wala lang. i find it strange na ang pampaantok ko of late ay computer and surfing (kasalanan ito ng broadband) instead of curling up on the couch with a good book. handami pa namang nakapila sa aking reading list kainiz. i just can't seem to get the reading groove goin' on in this new place, kahit na i super-set up na the reading room and all. super.

yes, folks, that is the geek i am (eh?). basta. i have 2 rooms in this new place, and the smaller one i converted into a library and reading room. also the laptop room siya. no internet wires para mas focused ako to write and work on things when inside there.

but the reading room/study also doubles as the black and white room, and the rainbow room at the same time. go figure. basta. pag napunta ka dito, you'll understand.

*

pampaantok ko lately itong geek haven site ng freerice.com. tangina it's a vocab-building site but at the same time, you donate grains of rice and help the UN donate rice to poor people. something like that. ang weird no, another form of armchair activism yet... well, i just hope it freaking works. just like the rest of 'em sites like these...

try mo. addicting. especially if you're like me who likes vocab reviewers and spelling bees and such. eh words e. siyempre naman, kasi writer ako eh. devah?

kasalanan mo to ms dj lush hehehe. i do this in between classes now. pampatanggal ng buryong sa eskuwelahan hahahaha chos.

isa munang patalastas

mga kafatid, watch kayo ng Kapuso Mo Jessica Soho this saturday 8.30pm sa GMA-7.

they did a segment on "pink films." ininterbyu nila ang ilang pink film directors like cris pablo and the one who did "ang lihim ni antonio." saka yung mtrcb chair. saka di ko na alam sino pa. at saka ako pala hehe.

isa sa mga tanong nila doon ay "ready na ba ang filipino audience manood ng pink films?"

buksan natin mga tv at ilagay sa kapuso para makita nila kung gaano karami tayo at gaano tayo ka-ready since last century pa. sipain pataas ang ratings to show we are here, agb-nielsen aside hehe.

go. :)

tapwe tanong

dahil nagpapaantok at ayaw nang magtrabaho muna hehe... nakaw sarbey mula sa downelink post ni ms dj lush

------

1. Is someone in love with you?
:: gosh, i certainly hope so! this girl na jowa ko. :)

2. Do you know anyone named Dan?
:: wala ata

3. What color is your couch?
:: slight orangey sa sala, black sa reading room

4. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?
:: oo. annoying ito.

5. What do you currently want?
::more time to do things

6. Favorite ice cream
:: used to be jamocha ng baskin

9. Does someone like you right now?
:: ewan ko. siguro yung love din ako hehe

10. Say you were given a drug test right now. Would you pass or fail?
:: super pass ateng. which reminds me, i better call my supplier...chos.

11. Favorite pop-tart flavor?
:: i don't eat this

12. Do you know anyone in jail/prison?
:: no but i want to send people i know in prison

13. What are your plans for the weekend?
:: quality time with my girlfriend

14. Do you like the color green?
:: depends on the shade but generally, yea

15. What is your dad's best friend's name?
:: i don't know who his best friend is right now so no

16. Favorite book right now?
:: wala pa

17. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
:: my mom

18. Ever driven into the ghetto to buy drugs?
:: pag feeling ko si angelina jolie ako playing GIA, oo :P

19. Last restaurant you went to?
:: counted ba ang javi's? i got my lamb fix there the other night hehe

20. Favorite kind of candy?
:: the one that doesn't taste like soap

21. Last voice mail you received?
:: wala akong ganun

22. What did you do last weekend?
:: went to my girlfriend's house to be with her and her family

23. What's the first thing you would do with five million dollars?
:: convert it to pesos so i could buy more things and give some to people i love, like my girlfriend and my mom. oh, and finally pay the bank thing for this condo para wala nang monthly-monthly

24. How many hours did you sleep for last night?
:: 8 ata

25. Milkshakes...or Blizzards?
:: both! but mostly, milkshakes rule

26. Who's the last person that you felt was stalking you?
:: i can't say. i think she's reading this hahahahahahaha >:)

27. Have you ever been on your school's track team?
:: yes, i was a meter-dash thingie runner chuva in high school, until the damn boobs grew. so that was the end of my teenage sports endeavors. asar

28. What jewelry are you wearing?
:: not into it anymore

29. What's your middle name?
:: bitch

30. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, would you?
:: oo naman. done that na before lotsa times

31. Favorite drink?
:: ice cold water

32. Do you swear at your parents?
:: swear with, oo. swear at, no.

33. Is your phone right beside you?
:: no

34. Last person you couldn't take your eyes off?
:: yung manong sa fx kasi mukhang mandurukot

35. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
:: i guess, kasi hindi ako makatulog e

36. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?
:: not really hehe

37. What is the color of your bedsheet?
:: blue and white ek

38. Have you ever crawled through a window?
:: crawled, jumped from, went through, yeah

39. Are you photogenic?
:: sana! haha

40. Are you single?
:: sabi nga ni lea salonga as kim sa miss saigon when confronted by that viet evil soldier dude "not anymore!"

41. Where do you spend most of your money?
:: on food! nay, on monthly amortizations! and bills!

42. What was the last thing you did?
:: listen if it's raining (it is)

43. Do you have a tattoo?
:: soon! pramis

44. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
:: what saturday mornings? i get up at noon on saturdays

45. Is there a secret you haven't told any of your friends?
:: if i tell them, e di hindi na secret

46. What time is it?
:: a lil over 1am

47. Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
:: oh yeah, and while i am driving! beat that!

48. What are you doing in 2008?
:: getting rid of emotional baggage i've been lugging for years. i wanna travel light this year.

49. What is your ringtone?
:: funny coincidence. it's SELLING THE DRAMA by live, which talks about fake christian televangelists fooling people with false faith. if only for these lines "now we won't be raped / hey hey / now we won't get scarred like that / hey hey"

damn christians

50. What were you doing at 2am last night?
:: figuring out why my blogpost won't appear

REPRINT: the Inquirer article

originally posted at leaflens.multiply.com
----------------------

since i intended this portal to be the repository of my stuff, i'll reprint the article i wrote which appeared in the lifestyle exclusives ng inquirer. i checked their website naman and it's clear na they don't put everything in there, lalo na itong special section. tama nga naman. i'll also add here the photo that accompanied the article (sorry mareng rovie, hindi nagamit yung kuha mo kasi lowres daw).

pero before that, share ko lang yung chika ng nag-solicit ng article, si ms linda panlilio, a fellow writer din.

Dear Libay,

Wow! What a wonderful piece! I loved it. Your article will help educate the homophobic public out there on LGBT issues. Thanks a lot! Am sure my Inq. editor, Cheche Moral, will like it too. I'm not touching it at all. Am leaving it to Cheche to make it fit in the space she has allotted for this special features issue. Would you like to send me a photo of yourself and Sarah? The other articles will have photos.

Btw, you'll be pleased to know that you will be in the company of great writers in the anthology I'm doing for Anvil. No less than National Artist Edith Tiempo is contributing--on her relationship with her students (mentor-"mentees"); Krip Yuson, on his pater-filios relationship with his kids; Sarge Lacuesta and Mookie Katigbak--on their bf-gf relationship; Joy Cruz on her "stepfamily"; Karina Bolasco, on being a single Mom to her daughters; Ed Maranan, Roweena Torrevillas, Barbara "Tweetums" Gonzalez, etc.

So please expand your Inq. article to 3,000 words, if possible, or at least to 2,000. Deadline is March 31. Meantime, thanks for being so prompt, and for your wonderful contribution.

Cheers!

Linda

sobrang nakakataba ng puso ang compliment na ito, coming from ms. linda. super.

at binigyan pa ko ng new deadline haha! ayuz.

but the inq sub-ed, ms moral, actually edited the article pero konti lang. ang ginalaw lang niya actually, yung last two lines. i was actually very very thankful dahil napaganda niya yung tuldok statement na nais ko sanang sabihin sa original article. dun kasi ako nahirapang i-phrase kung paano nga ba ie-end ito. i wanted to put in there kasi yung dating exploitative tagline about homosexual love sa US. at grabe, nakaka-high sakin yung ginawa niyang improvement. saka nilagyan niya ng subheads which i expected them to make. great! kewl din ito. yan ang editing.

eto ang labas. para sa mga di nakabasa, enjoy!

----------

[published 10 February 2008 Phil. Daily Inquirer Lifestyle Section Exclusives]

LIVING AND LOVING WITH LESBIAN PRIDE

By libay linsangan cantor

It has been ten years since I came out as a lesbian to my family and friends. but this is the first time I am coming out with a girlfriend who is as out as I am.

Confused? Don’t be. In the local lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community, relationships are one of three things: out in the open, discreet or closeted.

Being out in the open means there are no issues whatsoever that bother either party – no workplace homophobia to be fearful of, no disinherit-if-you’re-gay issues hounding their respective families, and it’s perfectly all right for each party to be seen as a couple in public. In short, it’s the love story with the possible “happily ever after” tag.

Being discreet means being out in the open is done in a limited fashion. People might not even notice that the couple is a couple unless they introduce themselves as such. This kind of relationships has some issues being considered. Issues may vary, depending on each party’s concern such as family, job security, public reputation or something else. This relationship is usually hidden from the heterosexual world but not from the LGBT world – a kind of “selective outing” is done.

A closeted relationship means not even the LGBT community is fully aware of its existence. People who are usually in a closeted relationship are also closeted LGBTs themselves. Aside from having the usual issues concerning work or family, there might be other bothersome factors or angles, such as having an illicit affair with one who is legally married or has another partner.

Not for me

My coming out in 1997 didn’t mean I was a closeted lesbian. It was just then that I discovered that heterosexuality isn’t for me, and the way I could express my love in honesty is by being with another woman. And on that fateful year, I met that woman – a lesbian woman. We were both alike at the time – so very feminine-looking girl-next-door types. She belonged in a lesbian advocacy group and was very out to everybody—except, it turned out, her family and relatives. That was why when I met her mother, I was merely the “designated best friend.”

I didn’t really know how to react to that. I mean, there I was, happily rejoicing my newfound final and real identity, but I cannot show it to the mother of my partner. We both couldn’t. Their family was just strict by nature and even her heterosexual cousins couldn’t overtly show their partners to their elders.

In less than a year, that relationship ended. I continued living my life outside of the closet and joined efforts of the LGBT community for positive visibility, especially in the media where I work. That became the focus of my lesbian feminist advocacy up to this very day. That means speaking about LGBT issues in public gatherings and appearing in media outlets like newspapers and TV. As a writer, I wrote about it a lot.

Highly patriarchal

But all that changed when I met my next partner, a closeted lawyer. Because hers was a highly patriarchal world, she said, we could never declare that we are a couple. So more than a best friend, sometimes my designation became a “personal assistant.” We knew some of her family members knew what we were really about—even if they never talked about it—but we kept it on the safe side nonetheless. This meant no more TV or print appearances for me, and my LGBT advocacy involvement lessened. That went on for half a decade.

When that relationship finally ended, it made me think long and hard on what I really want out of a relationship. I’ve thought of a few. I want to be proud of my partner as she is proud of me, and we both shouldn’t have issues of showing that love and care to the world. I want a bond devoid of paranoia; I don’t want my partner to be scared that someone might see us in each street corner or mall, and therefore will make every effort to keep us under the radar of everyone all the freaking time. I will support a partner who will support me, too, who understands our advocacy, and who believes in it fully. I want a partner who believes that relationships should have equity, aside from the usual requirements of trust, honesty, being caring and nurturing.

Proud

Happily, I’ve found all of that in my new partner, Sarah. She’s all that, and more. No paranoia, no excuses, no apologies. She doesn’t believe in closets, and neither do I. Thus, I can just be myself in public with her, and she is the same. It doesn’t bother us that we are a bit “different” from the rest of society – or are we, really?

In this day and age, love comes in all shapes and sizes, and this happens to be our “packaging” – two women deeply in love with each other. You can’t go wrong with love.

I am at peace. Finally, I am with someone who understands what this is all about – that living and loving outside of the closet is what it is about. Ours is a love that indeed dares to speak its name. //

there you go. mukha ba kong fil-am jan? hehe.

patay na naman! + on bookmarking

no, i'm not not in the mood for writing. in fact, i am, o. sobra.

look.
54 words

Speed test

i don't know if that is bad or so-so or okay, but what the hey.

try mo.

*

since i got my laptop gift from my uber-coolest ninang in toronto last late 2006, it was rare that i visited this old machine here. at old talaga. this desktop has seen me in about 4 rented apartments and been with me during two ex-girlfriends.

now, this is my fifth (and now permanent) abode it has seen (just how many i've had is another blog entry), and another current girlfriend (which i hope will stay with me longer than the others combined). i wonder what it will say to me if ever it could speak...

*

so these past few days, it has been a ritual of deletions. deletions to signify moving on. moving on without virtual memories still stored here. stored in a now cool and not dry place. this new place i want to keep in pristine, warm, friendly and serene atmosphere. and the atmosphere needs cleansing. and cleanse we did.

delete delete delete.

tonight, it was all about bookmarks.

someone once told me i could be OC in the computer. of course, since i've always treated my computer as my girlfriend talaga. sino pa ba ang kadamay ko when my heart got broken, my spirit weakened, my mind nearly giving out, and my person rejuvenated by things not yet lost to the dark side. how often has this machine recorded my thoughts for private musings and public consumption? sobrang daming beses na. too many to mention, and to count.

when i reviewed my old files here, i decided it's time to make new categories, new folders, new system of separating things. it was also time to delete old things, stuff that reminded me of horrible people, and tangible signals that comprised the horrific images of my past. delete delete delete.

chugi kayong lahat.

ngayon, napag-trip-an kong burahin na ang mga bookmarked blogs ng marami na either kakilala ko o kilala pero di close. sometimes i wonder why i bookmarked their sites; wala namang kakuwenta-kuwenta. pero ang iba e dead links na kaya talagang kelangan nang tanggalin.

sana lang ganito rin kadali tanggalin ang mga tao at kabuwisitang bumabagabag sa isang tao. minsan iniisip ko, sana totoo yung THE MATRIX, para iha-hack ko ito at hahanapin ang source ng mga taong walang kwenta at ma-delete sila forever, kahit sa recycle bin, temp folder at san pa man. ang sarap lang ng buhay kung ganun. sana iba na rin president evil natin kung ganun, di ba? matagal na siyang na-hack. or someone programmed a virus into her mole and it ate her head na by now.

ang saya saya ng imagination.

well, but we make do with what we have, and we deal with the fate the universe has given us. but of course, being humans, we refuse to sit down and let life pass us by. dahil tulad ng sabi ng reebok ad before, "because life is not a spectator sport."

tara, takbo!

gosh, i hope so! + on judging

sabi ng stars today...

Taurus Horoscope

(Apr 20 - May 20)

You may feel as if your life is opening up, so take time now to think about your future. Unfortunately, this can make you anxious, for your goals may be out of line with your current life circumstances. You could convince yourself that drastic action is needed to get back onto the proper path, but don't push so hard for change today. There will be time enough over the days ahead.

o sige ha. sabi mo. sana nga.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

*

intriga? intriga? ayoko na ng intriga. pero ang dami pa ring nanghihingi at naghihikayat at nag-uudyok.

isa lang masasabi ko sa inyo: NUBAH! LEAVE ME ALONE! mierda.

*

anak ng tokneneng. bakit ang hirap maghanap ng isaw sa marikina? hm...


*

i've been putting off something i want to write about for a while now, but maybe i have to. getit over with ika nga.

i recently watched this sex and the city ep with carrie walking in on samantha giving a blowjob to an express delivery guy. then the ep centered on friends judging friends. interesting.

lately, i felt some friends were also judging me, pero unfairly. but then again, judging is not always a fair exercise. you judge kasi you feel you are in a higher or better position than the one you're analyzing.

pero why do you judge another person? minsan kasi, napapagkalamalan nilang jina-judge sila when in fact gusto mo lang silang i-agit para magising sila sa pagiging dormant sa buhay nila or something, o kaya ipamukha mo sa kanila ang isang aspeto ng life nila na dapat e ginagawan nila ng paraan. minsan naman, you tell others, ay mayabang, ay show-off, ay bilib sa sarili, ay namedropper, etc etc etc. minsan valid ang uber-judging at ang ang ganitong observations kasi maraming tao ang ganito talaga ang ugali. pero paano nga kung supposedly e kilala ka ng taong nagja-judge sa yo?

sana naman huwag ganun between friends. between ex-friends, fine, judge all you can ang drama. between co-workers, go na go! every freaking day in my life, i have been judged by older and younger people who think they know better than me kahit hindi naman. kaya nga natatawa ako kapag nashoshoplak ko sila e. lalo na kung boss.

before, in an office, i had this horror of a boss na lahat ng officemate ko ay ayaw talaga sa kanya. kaya nung promotions time, nagka-lintik-lintik ang office na yun dahil sa fact na yun. lam mo na, office politics. pero ang di ko magets e before all that, she turned around and turned against me, when in fact ang ganda ng working relationship namin ng boss ko na yun. i didn't know where her judging mode came from, kaya na-demonize niya ko bigla. e sorry na lang siya at kampi ang buong office sa akin, kahit ang boss niya. labo. in the end, siya ang umalis. matira matibay. sino'ng natira?

i guess she knows that now. kaya nga nakakatawa last week. the northern winds blew her in and i found her going into my current office, looking for something and someone. and she couldn't even look at me, straight, diretso sa mata, while i was intently and genunely looking at her, trying to make polite, decent and humane conversation. but i guess those were not her forte kaya she couldn't even barely look at me. yung katawan nga niya di mapakali, parang gustong magtago sa likod ng mesa at cabinet. super nervous energy siya. grabe talaga ang mga tao...nakakatawa.

people are strange.

eto pa. i chatted with a friend and ex-co-worker recently about how our ex-co-worker made horrible judgements about me pala, at gina-groundwork niya ang ibang co-workers namin about this judging. kaya nga when shit hit the fan, akala nila galit din ako sa kanila. nilinaw ko naman na hindi. and everything's fine between us all. na-karma na kasi ang resident evil namin kaya masaya na at super-lovely na ang life ulit...

*as a friend, di ba i warned you that one day, your shit will jump and bite you in the ass if you keep on being the sonofabitch you are? well, i relish in saying I TOLD YOU SO! and there you go.* karma works.

but it never occurred to me that she will go to that extent of spreading false judgement when in fact, a straight-up one on one would have worked better. intact pa sana ang friendship namin, or a semblance of it. but still, i regret not losing people you treated as friends when they don't act like they're your friends pala. not my loss, ika nga. but a bigger loss is that other friend namin whom i treated as more than a best friend; i treated him as a brother, my twin brother. or in the words of heinlein's classic scifi novel stranger in a strange land, my water-brother. alas, cain and abel mode pala ang mangyayari. i don't know where his sense of judgement came from, but i certainly don't care now. again, their loss.

sometimes friends judge each other in different degrees. but to make a friend feel that your situation is lower than hers, man, that hurts. na para bang siya o ang buhay niya ang barometer ng isang aspeto ng buhay, tulad ng relasyon. in fact, problematic nga ang relasyon nila. and i am happy to note that kung nasaan yung problema niya, naroon ang sobrang kasayahan ng relasyon ko. kaya keber sa komento.

i shared this nga with another friend. sabi nga niya, judging na talaga iyon, kaya normal lang daw na na-hurt ako at hindi ako OA lang. sabi nga niya, minsan ang relasyon, wala sa quantity of time pero sa quality of time. my girlfriend and i happen to believe that, kaya nga happy kami e. sana this is well understood by all...

syempre i myself have been guilty of judging friends sometimes. pero madalas sa hindi, hindi nila nakikita na nagbibigay lang ako ng honest opinion about a situation or a factor of themselves. minsan kasi, they refuse to see their hidden section of their johari window kaya hindi nila alam na people look at them na pala in a weird way. during these times, i try to help by being brutally honest, pero in the end, ako pa pala ang masama.

minsan people, do a self-check of your own selves para people won't do it for you, or you won't be surprised what others really, really think of you, ha please?

oh well. yun lang. sometimes, you never know where the judging will come from, pero lately i've been hurt na galing sa mga taong tinuturing kong karugtong ng bituka ko. hm, masyado na yatang mahaba ang bituka ko e. sige, gagawa na ko ng chicharong bulaklak bukas...

*krrssshhhk*

penge sukang may kulay.

necessary no more: goodbye blog no. 2

i write for different reasons. i blog for different reasons.

necessary nonfiction

narrative recollections, recountings, recantings, and rewritings of stuff not or often told

after creating my first blog, i created my second. it was supposed to be a writer's project.

September 01, 2002

nonfictions...these are essays -- creative nonfiction narratives -- that i have written over the years and i felt like sharing them with the rest of you who don't have anything better to do or who have lots of surfing time and reading time on their hands so please indulge but but but please do not appropriate these notes as your own for the goddesses of copyright infringement are watching well sorry for the partypooper syndrome i just want to make sure that you know what you are doing for i know what i'm doing alright so here goes...

necessary...at the time i wrote them, i felt that they were necessary to write, necessary to comment about something and necessary to let the people know what i think about certain things so if you deem it necessary to read my stuff then go ahead but if not paalam na lang...

posted by libay at 9/01/2002 12:07:00 PM

since i just discovered the jazzed up essay genre now called nonfiction, i decided to give it a try.

BDAY ESSAY 2002 part one

24 april 2002 Wednesday 12.44a

as if I need the calendar to tell me what day it is. It’s my birthday, of course. And I’m turning 29 today. And that’s the last number of my membership into the generation x population. I’m in my late twenties, and next year, things are going to be different because it’s going to be a brand new decade for me. But let’s focus on the now.

I’m 29. so where does that leave me? Here, right smack in the middle of Metro Manila, Philippines, I think. But I’m starting to think globally now. I’m actually contemplating—nay, planning, to migrate to North America. Why? Well, they finally did it. The government is all fucked up, and it’s dragging the whole country down. Whenever I travel to different parts of the country and experience the sights and listen to the qualms of the townsfolk, I get really pissed off because simple governing should do the trick of having all of our lives here experience better things. But does that happen at all? Of course not -- only in places like The Fort, Rockwell and Marikina. Yeah, just when I was decided that I won’t come back there, it improves a heck of a lot. Geez, thanks.

BDAY ESSAY 2002 part seven -- last part

Possible birthday wishes of a late twenties lesbian:

-be with her sweetheart until she’s over a hundred years old
-get to sleep with Angelina jolie once before she turns 35
-open her own business, hopefully a café
-have her first novel published and sell a lot of copies
-win the lotto
-travel to paris with her sweetheart
-buy a brand new sports utility vehicle
-to be as thin as or as fit as Madonna
-have her own house with her sweetheart
-marry her sweetheart in Netherlands or wherever it’s legal
-have her lesbian screenplay realized into film

Important things I learned/realized today:

-A person’s extensive experience in a field doesn’t necessarily translate to his being talented in it. -Learning is very, very different from comprehension.
-Patient networking over the years pays off when you least expect it.
-You should never forget your first love, craft-wise (in my case, photography). Person-wise, yeah, junk it.
-Always be grateful for what you have.
-Never dwell on why you don’t have what you don’t have; you’ll just lose time thinking of how to actually acquire it/them.
-When you’re not that hungry at night, don’t order take-out food. The tendency is to finish it, and you’ll get fatter.
-I should talk to people in person more often.
-I should make it a point to go out with mom at least once a week.
-Music really puts you in a good mood.
-Reading books is still better than reading stuff on a computer screen (downloads form the internet). Books smell better, too. Plus you can lie down in bed pa.

posted by libay at 12/10/2002 08:26:00 PM

still, a blog is a blog.

January 25, 2003

for days now, i've been thinking of thrashing these online journals that i created, thinking that they might end up as some material for some psycho out there to use against me and my loved ones, but that's just me being praning --the product of watching too many CSI episodes, perhaps.

but i thought of just continuing one, one that doesn't have much flab, much flak, much arte. in short, simple lang. ewan ko if this will work. i don't even know if people would be interested to read this, but i'm keeping this for me anyway, so here goes...

i finally decided to keep this one. simple design but i don't mind. i like the colors i chose anyway. and it's for free. :) anyone out there who can give tips, i'm all ears (eyes pala on the net).

history: borrowed the name from an existing book by filipino scholar caroline hau, one of the most intelligent academicians i've met in UP. it's actually "necessary fictions" detaling historical fiction works by pinoy writers etc. i hope she doesn't mind my reworking her title in order to suit my history, or my documentation of it.

...

...

February 03, 2003

i discovered a new weblog site today called diaryland.com. cheesy sounding di ba, but it's a reactionary thing to this blogger thing we have here. for one, hindi siya technically peppered with jargon and all of these programming ekeks. simple lang siya, pero it's too simple naman! minsan feeling ko pang-hello kitty juvenile crowd siya. sa pangalan na lang eh "diaryland" ano ba yun!

pero i opened an account there because that's the tagpuan site of the philippine american literary house workshoppers na sinalihan ko, headed by cecilia manguerra brainard. i'm in an online creative writing workshop now with her plus other writers based in the states and here, and other places like si nadine sarreal sa singapore.

let's see.. there's susan evangelista, veronica montes, marianne villanueva, erma cuizon, and a guy named ben soriano na i've never heard of.

this sounds like fun. sana it is. i joined because i wanted to get back to the atmosphere of having someone critique your creative work on a regular basis, like my MA classes dati. discipline, man, need that to be able to finish my thesis.

hay thesis...but that's another story...

posted by libay at 2/03/2003 11:39:00 AM

a writer can't help but be personal with some posts. but still, the personal touch was related to nonfiction works, mostly reposts from offline ventures.

VERSION

Serenity. I never thought I’d achieve it, never thought I’d have it by my side each and every day of this stage of my life. But I have it, and I’m glad.

What was once an angst-ridden young woman turned out to be a sophisticated lady of cool. Indeed, as some termed me sophisticated, I winced at the thought, attributing it to the get-up I had that day, or night. Maybe my car, but not really. It’s just me and how I carry myself dressed the way I am.

Now, it’s not that simple anymore. Maybe it’s my aura; it has enveloped my being in a positive light. I am no longer one with the darker forces of my mind. Rather, I am one whose heavy side got enmeshed with my creative side, producing works that have significant meaning – without engulfing me in negativity or anything sinister, like before. Now, I am just me. Plain, simple me, on the outside. Still a very complex person, but that’s already a given. Complex without being negative, maybe that’s how I should say it.

Yes, that’s it, perhaps. I can feel it. It’s a new me. An improved version of my being… and I like it.

The sun is shining, the atmosphere is cool, the leaves are so green, and the sky is so blue. I am alone in a house with two floors and two rooms, but I am not lonely. The floors, the walls and the ceilings are white, and it bounces back sunlight all over. Just what I’ve always wanted: a natural reflector of white light, throwing me with the refracted spectrum of colors it hides in its path. I now bathe in these colors without knowing it exactly, without seeing it. But the most important thing here is, I feel it. I feel.

Space – I have lots of it now, share it with someone so dear to me now. No more of that hiding in a box thing and contemplating the troubles of the world in relation to the troubles in my mind. No more unnecessary guests this time, just the invited ones who are always welcome in our home, ones I hold dear in my midst.

It’s just a quarter past eight but I am not complaining. Gone are the days when I would make my bed my longtime companion for most of the regular world’s waking hours. Perhaps I have joined the regular world in this manner, sharing the same dimension at this certain time frame. But I don’t mind. When you have reached this far in life and achieved this much, you, too, would settle in with it, with what it has to offer now, regularly. Or maybe I’ve stopped being nonconformist.

Or maybe not. One look at my spouse would reveal that: she is as fine as I am, built the way I was built, and love the same way I love. In more ways similar to each other, but also contrast in a merry way, and that fuels this emotion engine we are on. And we love it, very much. That explains why we are here, now, in this space with the lovely atmosphere, better surroundings, and improved company.

There are times when I would miss the old ways, the old preoccupations, and the old habits. But one has to change with the tides of youth as it sails down the channel against our will. I have chosen to sail with her, my beloved. And even if our ship seems to be sailing in the same direction with the rest of the world’s, the journey is far more significant and far more interesting, intriguing even, because I am taking it with her. She, the love of my life, makes my travels fruitful, and my stopovers exciting. I adore her. And she adores me. There’s nothing more I could want. I am content.

(january2003)

posted by libay at 3/22/2003 09:01:00 PM

but sometimes, the offline ventures came from inner turmoils. and i don't think i want to recollect on those, again, anymore.

if language can elude you...

If language can elude you, it can certainly betray you. Purists will argue; they will say that no, it is not the words that betray you but the people who use the words are the ones to blame for that. And I think they are right. As I make words provide me with my daily sustenance, so are words used by some as weapons of soul destruction. Some have made a living out of that, not caring whether it will have long-lasting effects on whomever it is that they try to target with their words. Some have given care, most especially to the targets who become victims not by their choice. And some… some, like me, chose to use words to heal myself from wounds that words, too, have left in my being.

(06march03thesaddestdayofmylife)

so here we go again with that one sweep of the cleansing ritual. or in this case, a literal touch of a button and...delete it goes.

goodbye necessary nonfictions.

hello blogger, goodbye leaflets

the thing with this technology is, it's easy to delete.

comme ca.

and with that, i just deleted a blog i created some 3-4 years ago. one of those experimental things. i noticed that several of these old blogs are still connected to this new one, this same account. so i'm doing this ritual of cleansing and i'm deleting some i don't really, really need anymore...such as my very first blog.

leaflets

the fall of musings about anything under (and above and around) the sun, made by a floating leaf from an autumnless country - feel free to rake it in your yard ... or dispose of properly. no burning!

the year was 2002. i just heard of the thing called weblog from my two writer friends from the dumaguete workshop. they were apparently testing it already the year before. i was rather late in the game because i wasn't much of a techie. these widgets you're enjoying now were not there back then. suffer ang byuti ko noon dahil sa i wasn't so hot about html. but i came around and learned a few things. survival stuff for writers like me. and so, we had leaflets.

Saturday, August 31, 2002

tag-lagas na. it's autumn. and i am from a place where there is no autumn. our seasons give us few choices - it's either you're dry or you're wet. outside, and inside. what if you're not dry, or wet, and just plain...leafy? aye, there's the rub.

posted by libay at 8:50 PM

what is being leafy? anybody got any definitions?

mine: being leafy is being true to your self, being organic. you have something and it grows. if it detaches from your tree, the leaf of an idea floats around until someone will find them useful. and then, life is not extinguished from that floater but continued, in another form - pressed in one's notebook, garnished in one's dish, or just lying there in one's lawn, waiting for the next step of (d)evolution to chance upon it.

agree or disagree? spin a win...

posted by libay at 9:01 PM

still trying to get the hang of this new writing technology. but i am beginning to love it!

this is so seventies, don't you think? like the colors of autumn in your living room... or desktop. the colors of the ukay-ukay fashion, actually. very reminiscent of the interiors of this once hip place called lava lounge...

posted by libay at 10:08 PM

leaf of the day: santol.

have you ever wondered why the santol tree's leaf has bulutong-like things on its surface?

i like the fruit, too, especially if it's from the bangkok variety.

la lang...

posted by libay at 10:15 PM

it was a strange thing to write something personal online. at first, only a handful people read them. but that all changed when blogging spread like wildfire. at first, i didn't know how to control what to write. but later, i got the hang of it.

but there are times when sometimes, you don't want to read what you wrote before. so from this early sampler, that is all i have to retain. the rest, like the bad memories written it it, are now...deleted.

goodbye leaflets.

samu't saring suppositions

hm, that new sunsilk ad campaign's beginning to air teasers. yung merong "life can't wait" tagline. i wrote a short sidebar story about that in connection to their new image model. kung napuna niyo, si marimar yun. yeah, that's what i wrote. i interviewed her kasi for--oops, reveal na ba? sige na nga. one of my latest writing assignments for mega magazine is their next month's cover story, featuring marian rivera. yeah, i did her. i mean, the interview, her cover story. so there. abangan sa march.

pero okay yung teaser ng sunsilk. showing women who were partly defined by their hair like madonna of course, saka si marilyn monroe. hm, following their logic, dapat anjan si macy gray, but i'm not sure if she is sunsilk material.

pero parang mas excited ako sa next cover story assignment ko for them. pero saka na lang yun. tignan natin how that goes. i hope pretty well.

*

dapat gagawa rin ako ng sulat sulat tonight pero tinatamad na naman ako. hay. saka na lang siguro, pag maluwag na ang chuva ng utak ko. the morning was spent having a word war with someone i always have word wars with. i'm just so fucking tired of it kaya i decided to severe the ties. i hope ma-gets niya ang point this time. hay, heaven help me with this.

*

buti na lang may nearby gym dito sa tinitirhan ko ngayon. at least i can go there and work out anytime to release whatever chorva's bothering me inside. and that's what i have been doing nga. since i also live near the marikina sports center, minsan doon ako naglalakad para iba naman ang atmosphere. sarap lang.

nami-miss ko lang mag-arnis though. fire, kelan na tayo? can't wait! miss ko na kayo ni teacher hehe.

*

hay nako. hello garci just got upgraded to broadband. hello zte?

my poor, poor country. run by fools i did not vote for. mierda.

*

kaya sumama na sa rally sa friday! taralets!

whoever could get a hold of those "moderate your greed" stickers, kunan niyo ko ng tatlo. go.


*

natatawa ako sa latest controversy na napasukan ni leah navarro of the black and white movement. salingan mode with kuya mike defensor's wifey, si pretty julie. hihihihihi.

naaalala ko nung nag-guest si leah sa angladlad meeting isang sabado last year to elucidate on what the bwmovement is all about and the chacha chenes. ang pilyang mga bading na kasama ko, nagbubulungan sa likod. pagkatapos mag-lecture, bulong namin "o dali, request na kayo ng isang song number. all together now: je t'aime/ te amo/ i love you/ watashiwa anato aishetemasu/..." hihihi . funny. true enough, kinanta naman niya iyon sa isang past pride march hihihi. we heart leah.

although weird yung dati kong encounter sa kanya eons ago sa isang clandestine meeting called artista para sa pagbabago. i was working for pinoy times newspaper and dahil mga ta-artits ang organizers nitong anti-erap group na ito right before his ouster, ako ang napadala ng dyaryo to attend. at the end of the meeting, i chatted some of them there, at isa nga siya doon. and i made the mistake of being nice when i bade her goodbye saying "thank you ma'am." she glared at me, glared pare, her eyebrows naging unibrow, and said "don't call me ma'am!" afraid siya ati. hindi ko makakalimutan iyon sa life ko pramis. that, and the encounter with kuh that same night, but that's another story.

*

UP Fair na pala. are you going? tinatamad na ko mula nang naging bentahan fare na lang ang UP fair. it's not the same as before. although i just go every year to test my shooting skills with the rifle pistol team shooting booth ek. pero mula nang nagka-salamin ang lola niyo, di ko na nape-perfect ang rounds nila kainiz. oh well. there's always the balloon darts.

and there's no more booze! kids today will not ever experience the thing that is called the sidewalk slammer. this is like a special 5-shot drink featuring 5 diff hard drinks, all for a whopping 25 pesos. them after drinking the shots, you fall sa sidewalk sa kalasingan o tama hehe. slam! therefore. you get the picture.

now, hanggang kettle corn at churros na lang mga tao. at isaw. weh.

pero parang gusto kong i-try ngayon ang powerup wall climbing chenes. kasi medyo lumiit na pwet ko e hehehe. conscious! oo naman noh. haha.

*

valentine's na. yet another holiday to signify the loss of money. buti na lang at hindi kami masyadong ek ng aking better half sa holiday na itich. we can make our own valentine time anytime hehe.

gawd, i could just imagine the traffic this weekend. hay.

pero puwede ring alternative ang ANGLADLAD BUTTERFLY BALL this saturday sa government bar sa makati ave. punta kayo. renewal chenes ito of angladlad memberships pero open to all pa rin ito. starts 9pm. see you there. i'll be there. sana may ka-date ako... (hint hint).

*

hmm, i miss eating lambchops. san ba may masarap nito? penge leads folks. naghahanap na naman ako ng comfort food ko. this means i am really bothered inside. yeah, it's like that sometimes. kaya nga sinalubong ko ng gym kanina e. para kung sakaling mapasubo sa pagkain ng unhealthy comfort food, handa na ang aking cellulite. chos.

let's hope after tuesday, okay na ko. please please.

*

dear god, senator chiz is a guest sa game show sa dos. jeezus.

no, i didn't vote for him. did you?

*

yehey kumpleto na ang aking AVENUE Q mp3s! yey! :)

*

wow, may pinay westpointer graduate. pustahan tayo tibam yan hehe.

wala lang, naghahanap ng kakampi...

*

parang kanina, while updating myself with abscbn soaps, i was chatting with my writer friend na head writer ng LOBO. we were talking kasi na yung badingerz nagtitilian daw tuwing topless si papa piolo, kaya dagdagan daw, request nila. i told her naman "magkakaroon ba ng lesbyanang lobo? hehe." natawa sya at sabi "why not?" sabi ko baka ligwakin ng mga lolang kloseta doon hahahaha. afraid sila sa sarili kasi doon e hahahahaha charot! :P

*

tune out na.

sanga-sanga sa daan

actually, it's more like baradong daan. i found myself going down the jeep ride home to walk. as in, from provident vill to the bayan area where i live. pramis. but it's just a short walk for me, kasi sanay na ko sa walks lately, thanks to my renewed workout sked sa sports center at sa gym nearby.

trapik kasi ng sobrang hinayupak. as in, nagsalubong na ang mga sasakyan. sanga-sanga na nga ang lanes. ang reason: may shoot daw sa may marikina bridge. not sure lang kung film o tv, pero sabi ng miron andun daw si robin padilla. tangna. kaya lesson here students: ayusing mabuti ang coordination with local authorities kapag may shoot, para walang cause ng traffic. dapat yata ilagay yan sa lessons ng lahat ng production classes. hay... kaninong kasalanan yang trapik? sa PM? hay...

naalala ko tuloy yung isang kwento ni...forgot...about shooting in new york. na sa sobrang sanay na ng mga tao sa film shoots sa kalye dun, all you have to do is go to the nyfilm commission's office to get permits and they will be the ones to reroute traffic lang to follow your shoot sked location at no hassle sa motorists o pedestrians. tapos yung mga tao, lakad lakad lang na dedma kahit mag-roll ka na. panalo di ba? at professional. dito, kanina, ang una atang nanonood e yung taga-trapik dapat. kainis. gusto ko ngang batukan nung dumaan ako, kasi sobrang luwag lang sa bridge paglampas sa location shoot. buset.

*

di lang daan ang sanga-sanga tonight. utak ko rin. in anticipation lang siguro sa paghahalo ng balat sa tatalupan soon. as in, talagang may tatalupan ng buhay somewhere soon... shit hits the fan ito. i can't wait to see when it happens. and of course, i'll make it happen, man. hehe. la vendetta mode ito e bakit ba. ako si jean garcia. chos.

ang warfreak ko. pero kasi, this is war. whatever form of discrimination thrown towards me, be it with a sexist or homophobic venom, kelangang labanan. the antidote of conservative attacks is knowing your rights and wielding them as shields.

basta. abangan. abangan kung sino dapat ang ipinapako sa krus. hindi dapat si kristo kasi e. let him walk, man. let him walk.

like i said, wake up and smell the centennial.

*

kakagaling ko kasi sa preview ng OROSMAN AT ZAFIRA kaya ako ginabi. slight sanga-sanga ang thoughts ko sa play cum musicale na itey. based sa classic text ni balagtas of course, kaya i love the lyricism of the lines. classic talaga magsulat ang lolo mo.

yun nga lang... ewan. gawan ko ba ng review? parang di ko trip e. di ko masyado naging bet yung direction kasi, saka yung story handling. i know the text is difficult, pero bakit si shakespeare nagagawan ng paraan, inggles man o isinalin (mostly ni rolando tinio noon)? i am lost. as in, la-lost ako sa pagsunod ng naratibo. what happened to that dramaturgy team? hm, strange.

pinanood ko lang ito dahil sa colleage namin sa upfi ang gumawa ng original music, si carol. oks naman. neo-ethnic music sabi sa pr. hm, yun na pala ang tawag dun. magaling ang ensemble sa music. reliable naman sa sangay na ito ang lola mong iyon. pero ang nag-standout sa akin dito ay yung nag-portray ng zafira. si cris villongco ba yun? yung apo nina armida ito, right? coincidence, ang tito niya ay magtuturo sa institute next sem hihihi at super happy ako na napapayag namin siyang magturo. pero secret muna itey. kunwari. charot.

grabe i like the way this girl acted out the part. as in, she sings and acts and emotes from the gut, the skin, the heart, and her energy emanates from her center, yung mula sa solar plexus baga. and she releases it and you feel it. galeng, lalo na yung may emote iyak parts chenes tapos okay din siyang mag-movement dance chenes na choreo ni dexter santos. man, she is good! super! kaya dedma na sa ibang uninspired performances, mostly ng ilang menchu sa cast, at sa weird story handling. see it if only for her. bet siya pramis grabe.

hm, mukhang madaming magagaling na actors ang lumalabas lately sa teatro a. that's good naman. kaka-miss din manood ng maraming stage performances. although parang ayoko nang manood ng isang play sa guerrero kapag preview lang. unang dress tech performance pala yun, kaya libre for peyups faculty. next time, we catch the gala or regular runs na lang. i don't mind paying for theater tickets.

last note pala sa orosman. si tuxqs ang nag-pd. i like his attack. post-apocalyptic indigenous neo-ethnic. pramis, ganyan ang feel ng costumes at pd! katsa meets mesh stockings with a lotta bamboo and walis tingting. sankapa! you gotta see it to believe it. ilao battala lights yet again. i always like his work anyway. i like what they both did to the large convex dome thingie na nagiging moon tapos nagiging sun, na movable sa backdrop. da best. gusto ko ng ganun sa bahay hehe.

*

tuwa lang ako sa class ko kanina. at least itong batch na ito ay di nawala sa landas sa pagrereport ng topic nila. unlike last sems na biglang itatanong pa sa akin in the middle of their reports "tama ba, mam?" abah, isa lang sagot ko riyan "ewan ko. dapat alam mo yan." kainis lang yung ganun minsan, tatanungin ka kung tama ang report nila. kaya nga sila pinagrereport e. para matuto naman sila sa sarili nila, at ma-share nila ang info sa peers nila.

i remember dati pa, may nag-report tungkol sa censorship at mtrcb sa isang class. kada banggit niya ng data, isusunod niya ang "um, di ko alam bat naging ganyan, basta yun na." buset. gusto kong isigaw, nag-report ka pa! tangna talagang level ng katamaran ng iba minsan. minsan iniisip ko, sayang naman pang-tuition nila. dapat ibigay nila sa mas deserving but poorer student na mas may drive matuto kesa sa kanila. ang dami kong ganitong students kasi lately e. ewan.

wake up and smell the tuition fee increase.

*

kakatuwa lang. nagsasanga muli ang daan ng mga former UP Sappho peeps. like last friday, at the lunduyan launch, nagulat ako when i saw charm, our baby dyke before sa sappho circa 1998. as in super baby. pero now, lady of the world na ang lola mo. she bloomed. i'm so happy for her. kala ko asa US siya pero she's here pala now. great to see you, charm.

another future date i'll be having is with another friend, celia, na nag-base sa KL last year. nakasalubong ko sa ym, at chika kami when she gets back here. dami daw kwento ng lola. update update ng life ulit. kia i also bumped into online, although short lang kasi patulog na ko nun.

*

may isa pa dapat akong update-an session tonight but my ka-date flaked out on me hehehe. parinig! charot. wala, chichika ko sana ang isang dear friend about some friends na nag-traydor sa amin at one point in our lives or so. kumbaga, reap the la vendetta mode ko na ito, ikukuwento ko lang sa kanya hehehe. la lang...

*

for those who think na nag-generalize ako sa inyo when i left the show, it wasn't really so. alam niyo ang common denominator nating lahat, and i'm not mad at you guys. not even remotely. so peace peace tayo, lalo na ngayon na wala na ang source of all evil sa lugar na iyan. dibala?

amen to that.

*

dami ba cryptic? ganyan talaga ang life, lalo na pag gusto mong gawing libel-free ang publication. hey, i know my ethics man, unlike some people we know out there...na kelangan pang i-validate ang existence nila by glorifying themselves in minute ways. kawawang mga nilalang...sana makapiling niyo na si lord, soon.


*

ayan na, sanga-sanga na rin ang tingin ko. sign off na.

later.

channeling carrie: my book reviews on Mega Magazine's feb ish

eto naman bilhin niyo hehe. yet another article already out.


this time, it's about books. a writer friend of mine, who turned out to be on the editorial team, recruited me to be their regular book reviewer. new year, new gig, so i said what the hey, taraley!

and here it is na nga. my first attempt at reviewing books for them started in this month's issue, which is accidentally their 16th anniversary issue pala. great timing. bakit kaya tuwing naju-join ako sa isang endeavor e tumatapat ako sa anniv nito? strangeness lang.

sorry hindi pa updated ang website nila kaya i don't think you can see all articles online.

don't be fooled by the covers. i almost was. when i was at the grocery a few days ago, i saw an issue and thought of buying one na, kasi ang tagal dumating nung compli copy ko. but when i saw who was on the cover, lo and behold, buti na lang di ko binili. ayoko ng souvenir na yun noh, kahit pang-folio ko siya. ay basta.

this feb ish kasi came out in 10 different covers but one content lang, featuring 16 fashionable ladies chenelyn daw or something. take turns sa each cover baga. when i saw the compli copy, keri ko yung nasa cover somewhat: si bianca gonzalez. although mas bet ko yung ibang covers. sana yung si iza calzado na lang, or si bea alonzo. these two photograph well. i also like what they did to ruffa gutierrez and tweety de leon, although sobrang overexposed na kasi sila for my taste. at saka si tweety reminds me of a dear friend's ex, na naging slight ex from hell hehe. ching! so wa na. oks din yung kay anne curtis. ang senswal ng batang ire ay, pero sa media lang. nakita ko to minsan sa personal, parang anorexic. ang weird. sana kumain siya ng husto.

wait for next month's ish. mas exciting. ching! :P


*

it's just funny because i just did a semi-semi-marathon of SEX AND THE CITY last weekend (para ma-distract sa kabagotan sa waiting for globe chenes) and nag-swak siya sa season kung saan carrie was starting a new life. actually, all women were starting new lives at that point, at isa sa changes ni carrie ay ang pagsusulat sa -- tanaaan -- vogue magazine hehe. kaya relate ang lola mo hane? in experience lang naman. may parallelisms hehe.

nakakatawa rin kasi when she was undergoing these changes, she was 35. i'm turning 35 this year and i have been muni-muni-ing the same things she's been thinking about. again, parallelisms.

overload minsan manood ng show na to. after one ep kasi, i'd like to ruminate on the things that happened and all. saka relate ako sa writing mode ever niya hehe. we share a lot of writing habits. di ko na lang idi-divulge kung ano hehe pero tuwing makikita ko siya, natatawa ako hehehe. la lang.

man, i can't wait to see what they did with the movie version of this. now that i have to watch! sino sasama? taralets.

*

feedbacking.

tama chard, maling akala nga. grabe super high kami ni ellen ongkeko when we met aparna sen live in the flesh sa india. fangirl mode kami hahaha ang cheap! parang nung nakita ko yung si BEAUTIFUL BOXER na um-attend din dun. ang pretty niya pero afraid baka sikuhin niya ako ng muay thai style hahaha chos.

thanks for the comment misanthrope. yeah, i remember one of your profs (ruth) discussing how she didn't like dogeaters as well. pero binigyan naman niya ko ng related hagedorn materyales to help me with my book report hehehe. well, go figure...

salamat din sa pagbabasa joyjoy. hm, i look 10percent italian, eh? hehe sige explore natin ang ideyang yan. sabi nga ng gf ko, tama daw si mommy, mukha akong fil-am sa inquirer photo hahaha.

arrivederci!

read my article at the Sunday Inquirer today

share ko lang.

may article akong lumabas sa Sunday Inquirer dyaryo today, sa special section on alternative relationships within the Lifestyle Section (called Lifestyle Exclusives).

ang title ng article ko ay "Living and Loving with Lesbian Pride." John Silva also contributed an article about his longtime relationship with his partner Jonathan.

di ko lang sure kung available na siya online, pero wala pa yata. ewan ko kung nagiging available ang special sections na ganito online ever.

ang articles ay may photo heeehee :) ni-require kami ni linda panlilio, yung nangontrata sa articles. so i gave one na kuha ko noong pride march.

tinext ko sa nanay ko ito kasi di ako sure kung lalabas nga ito today. so binulatlat niya kanina ang dyaryo. when i asked kung andun nga, eto text niya:

"Meron. Kasalukuyan kong binabasa. May picture nyo ni Sarah. Mukha kang Fil-am."

hihihihihi you just gotta love my mom. i love her lots. :P

salamat sa mga nakabasa na. :) basa ka rin.

hexagram-in ko kayo kaya? i-ching! charot.

Thursday, February 7th, 2008 3:17am PST

Your Present Hexagram

Be on guard for careless or rebellious attitudes characteristic of youthful inexperience. Just as a youth requires instruction, this is a good time to focus on learning your lessons from a patient teacher or life experience. Is there a circumstance in your life, which you have failed to comprehend completely, perhaps because you have failed to appreciate its inherent complexities? Be respectful of anything or anyone who has something to teach you right now.

In order to be ready for challenging times, let education be a continuing part of your life. Be continually developing the strong mind and will necessary to carry one through confusing times. The wise realize that experience, especially difficult experience, is a powerful teacher. But we cannot be forced to learn, even from experience. Be a good student, one who delights in learning, one who nourishes his or her expanding awareness.

Examine your attitude for factors which limit your openness. Observe how you deal with the mistakes of others. You must let people live their own lives and learn their own lessons. Offer others your wisdom or advice, but only if they are receptive. Otherwise, give up trying to convince them that you are right - that is only exhausting and counter-productive. If people are not receptive, let them proceed - even into difficulty or dangerous circumstances. It is the only way they can learn - and without learning, no one can achieve success. This does not mean that you should not care -- just that taking care of someone too much can be harmful. Live and let learn.

Your Changing Lines

The Changing Lines are the part of an I-Ching reading that give the most powerful advice about a situation or issue, because they represent the factors that are causing things to change right now.

You have two Changing Lines. Either one or the other or some combination of both of them will be relevant.

The first changing line is line 1
Education begins with discipline. All progress requires some degree of order. It is the nature of youth to stumble into error through carelessness and playfulness; similar problems can plague adults as well. But while discipline is essential to achieve success, boring routines which choke off creativity should be avoided.

The second changing line is line 5
A fresh innocence brings good fortune. A lack of preconceptions, combined with a respect for life's teachers, will bring success to many endeavors. When you maintain a childlike openness of mind, you become a magnet for fresh insights and gain special glimpses into the real nature of things.

Your Future Hexagram

Truth involves establishing an aware relationship between your inner core and the circumstances in your life. Centering in truth involves the ability to perceive a fundamental wisdom, reflected within yourself - and also in others.

Truth is transformed into power when you disperse all prejudice and make yourself receptive to the world as it really is. This power can be a remarkable force indeed - yet is rarer than generally imagined. It can be maintained only by cultivating a genuine openness to things as they are - a willingness to see, rather than merely look.

Whenever your inner life is clouded, your influence in the world is under a shadow. If you are fearful, you will be attacked; if you cloak genuine mysteries in dogma, opportunities for new insight will be lost. If you vacillate in upholding your principles, you will be tested. Yet, when you are firm and strong, the power of truth can break through even the most stubborn minds.

In any debate, the power to perceive the truth in the other side's argument is essential to achieving success. It is possible to influence even the most difficult people, or improve the most difficult circumstance, through the power of universal truth - for truth is something to which all things naturally respond. Get in touch with that part of yourself that is aware of this universal force of truth. Cultivate this inner resource, and you will become adept at using it to bind others to a common purpose.

***

funny that my i-ching reading for today, the chinese new year day, is about things i am so preoccupied with these past 7 days: education, teachers, and prejudice. swak siya ati.

all i could say is that people here in UP need to WAKE UP AND SMELL THE CENTENNIAL! good luck sa atin sa next 100 years...

yun lang. bow. galit pa ako e. saka na chika.

thought ballooning mode

minsan kapag may kausap ka, gusto mong sagutin siya ng malutong na sagot na kalakip ang isang timba ng sarcasm dahil sa gusto mong itago ang isang dram ng pagkasuya at pagkaasar sa kanya at sa kanyang mga sinasabi.

pero kadalasan sa hindi, hindi mo na rin sinasabi ang nais mong sabihin, for several reasons: out of propriety, ayaw mo siyang mapahiya (kasi ambaitbait mo lang) o kaya ayaw mong pumatol sa lesser mortals.

usually, ang reason ko ay yung third: ayokong pumatol sa lesser mortals, kasi baka mawala ang goddess status ko. e sila nga nagga-goddess-goddess-an lang e, namamayagpag sa pagkukunwari, gayung demigod lang sila. sorry pero iba ang status ko. at ayokong bumaba sa lebel niyo. chos.

so ang ending, you end up thought ballooning, meaning kung may komiks artist na magdo-drowing ng eksena, may lalabas na cloud-cloud dialogue balloon na nakakabit sa iyo via some small circles na dikit-dikit to signify na you are saying something pero sa loob-loob mo lang. thought balloon ang tawag dun sa komiks world.

e sa dami ng naksalamuha kong mga balahura lately, i find myself thought ballooning. how i wish masabi ko sa kanila ang mga nais kong sabihin talaga, yung saloobin ko baga. pero dahil nga sa reasons stated above...wag na lang.

kaya ilalabas ko na lang dito... at kung ma-identify ninyo kung kanino dapat ito naka-address...ay, bow ako sa yo 'day! chos.

sana nasabi ko ito sa iyo...

1. "HA???? Expert ka saan? Ng ano???? Kelan pa????? Talaga????"

2. "Ang sabihin mo, naho-HOMOPHOBIC ka lang sa gawa ko!"

3. "Pero bakit nga kasi ginawa niyo yung pelikulang yun? What were you thinking?"

4. "Ikaw ba nasa wastong pag-iisip o sadyang pasosyal ka lang, ever?"

5. "Baka gusto mong magbihis ng iba paminsan-minsan..."

6. "Kahit saang anggulo mo tignan, talo ka, sa kontrata pa lang. Tanga!"

7. "Puwedeng lumayas kayo sa harap kong mga betlog kayo?"

8. "Wala kang utang na loob kasi. Hindi ka tunay na kaibigan. Hindi ko kailangan ng ganyan sa buhay ko."

9. "Hindi na kita kaibigan, matagal na, kaya huwag mo akong tratuhin ng ganyan."

10. "I think they put the A in biatch because of you. Ano?"

11. "Lolo, okay na, bilib na kami sa iyo; no need for grandstanding."

12. "Kelan ka na nga magre-retire? Sana now na."

13. "Hanggang ngayon ba ganyan ka pa rin? Madamot."

14. "Ano ka ba talaga, friend or foe? Di kita ma-define."

15. "Baka gusto mo namang mag-effort ng kaunti dito. Parang laging ako, a."

16. "Ganyan-ganyan ka na naman, tapos ilalaglag mo naman ako 'pag nagkaharapan. Malabo ka minsan e."

17. "Oh my god, ikaw ang anak ni Janice. Lumaki ka na. Ano'ng major mo?"

18. "Palibhasa mayaman kang puta ka. 'Tado!"

19. "Tangina kuya, magkaroon ka naman ng bayag paminsan-minsan. Pinapahiram na nga kita e, o! Nuba!"

20. "Ikaw na intel ka, halata ka na namin tanga!"

21. "Ate, baka gusto mong baba-babaan 'yang ilong mo. Hindi bagay. Mukha kang hamster."

22. "My god, buti na lang biniyayaan ka ng ganda, ateng. Nothing up there, e. Fair si Lord."

23. "Sigurado kang taga-UP ka?"

24. "This is just so The Devil Wears Prada. Kalurkey"

25. "Chong, lesbiyana ako. Huwag ka nang magpakyut. Sayang effort."

26. "Wala akong paki kung anak ka ni ninuman. Magtrabaho ka."

27. "Sino ka ba? Should I know you???"

28. "Ano fafa, kloseta ka pa rin? Sa porma mong yan?"

29. "Darling, mag-tic tacs ka, ha?"

30. "Ang pagsagot sa text ay senyales ng tamang etiketa ng komunikasyon. Gets?"

31. "Ano, mayabang ka pa rin? Gudlak sa life."

32. "Sir, bading ka ba? Lover mo? Curious lang ako."

33. "Hindi ka talaga cooperative. 'No? It must be genetic."

34. "Ateng, wala na si Lola Diva dito. Magbagong-buhay ka na rin. Di na uso ang diva dito."


35. "Ano ba talaga? Kayo ba?"

36. "Hindi ka naman tutulungan niyan e. Walang spine 'yan e."

37. "Turuan mo 'yang alaga mo. Maaga yang mag-e-expire kung ganyan siya ng ganyan."

38. "Baka gusto mo akong bigyan ng diretsong sagot lola."

39. "Huwag ka nang magmarunong. Wala ka namang alam e."


o sya yun na muna.