last night, at the bar*

How do you know if you're truly in love? 

Two ways. One, when someone from a table talks to her seatmate and they both look at you and smile, and then one looks back a little too often, often smiling, and you ignore it and down some more mango daiquiri and laugh with friends of your friend. Because you're already committed, so no. That's one.

Two is when, from another table, somebody tries to cruise you, smiling and stuff, and you ignore it, and then later wink at you, and then you ask your friend to please get the bill already so you could hightail it outta there. Because you're already committed, so no. 

Ah yes, I am in love. In love and in a relationship. A committed relationship. A monogamous but caring relationship. I think I prefer it that way for now. So does my love.

And as a sidebar, yes, you don't ogle at pretty things anymore, even in the name of eye candy. 

Congratulations, you have evolved.

*

Nakita ko nga pala ang isang "karibal" sa bar kagabi. 

Ay, mali, mali. Dahil di gumagala ang aking mata nga pala, di ko siya nakita. Bagkus, siya ang nakakita sa akin. Kinawayan ako, bumati, ngumiti. Nang di ko siya nakilala nang ilang segundo sa umpisa, binanggit niya ang pangalan niya.

Oo, sa loob-loob ko, alam ko ang pangalan mo. Iyan ang isa sa mga pangalan na naaalibadbaran akong marinig sa ngayon, sa totoo lang. Pasensiya na at dahil sa mga kaganapan noong nakaraang taon, naisama kita sa listahan ng mga nilalang na tinatakan ng mga pangalang di ko na gustong marinig kelan man. 

Pasensiya na, kalawakan. Mahina talaga ang pagtanggap ko sa mga taong walang delikadesang pag-usapan ang mga bagay-bagay na nakakadamay ng pakiramdam at kalagayan ng ibang tao, usap nang harap-harapan, walang bastusan, malinaw na latagan. Di ko gusto ang mga taong nasa likuran ko at nakikisawsaw nang walang pasabi sa sukang ako ang nagtimpla. Maghanap ka ng sarili mong chicharon, puwede? 

On second thought, kung ganun pala ang chicharon na isasawsaw ko sa sukang inalagaan kong timplahin, mabuti na lang at maaga-aga kong naisip na nakakatinga lang pala ito at hindi mabuti sa pangkalahatang kalusugan ko ito. Ayan ang biodegradable trash bin. Chicharon, meet bin.

PS Hindi ka Pilipino kung di mo naaarok ang importansiya ng pagtimpla ng tamang sawsawan ng iyong kakaining pulutan, ulam o meryenda. Aminin.

Pero di lang sa pagkain kasi kailangang tumimpla. Sa buhay lalo na. Di ba?

PS PS Oo nga pala, ngayon ko lang naalala. Hindi nga pala siya karibal, dahil sa pelikulang Pilipino, ang karibal ay gusto ng iniirog mo, kaya love triangle ang plot niyo. Pero kapag ang iniirog mo ay di naman talaga type ang "karibal" mo at pinagbibigyan lang niya ito dahil naging kaibigan niya ito, ano na ba ang tawag doon?

"Kawawa."

*Excuse me, natatapakan mo ang buhok ko. Haba eh noh?*

*

Sometimes, all you need is a good nightcap with the right company.

Never mind the vices. This temple of mine has been alcohol-free and nicotine-free since I turned 39 one and a half months ago. It is quite an achievement. No hard effort to stop; it just happened.

Kinda like love, I suppose; it just happens.


And so, as with all other things in life, you adjust.

*

Sa dami ng kaganapang nagsimula kahapon ng umaga hanggang magtanghali, maghapon at maggabi, iisa lang ang naiisip ko, na bitbit ko sa loob ng bar pagpasok ko, laman ng utak ko pagtambay ko doon, at dala hanggang pag-uwi.

At ito iyon: Suwerte ako. Masuwerte. Dahil masaya akong nakakakilos ng maluwag, nakakaupo ako sa lugar na nais ko nang walang kahirap-hirap, nakaraos ako sa mga una kong dekada sa buhay sa tulong at hirap ng mga taong minsa'y di ko naiisipang pasalamatan, at maligaya ako na naibabalik ko ang pagtulong sa mga nilalang na kailangan nito.

Ay, hindi pala siya isa lang. Marami pala, pinagsama-sama, tulad ng nararamdaman ko sa buhay ngayon. Masaya, mapayapa, minsan nababahala, pero ang karamihan ng pagkakataon ay sakto lang. Sakto. Pero ang pakiramdam, ang nararamdaman, hindi sakto. Sobra. 

Sobra-sobra nga, eh. Sobrang dami. Nakakaantig ng puso. Nakakabasag ng puso. Nakakataba ng puso. Basta, masaya ang puso. Mapayapa ang utak. Nagugulumihanan minsan ang kaluluwa, pero ayos lang iyon.


Overwhelming.


And yes, I like it that way.


Kampai.

*mga eksena isang gabi sa Fred's; lahat ng litrato kuha noong June 2012 Cubao X

this is not about...those?

Hahaha whatever those are!

Just stumbled upon this photo on Facebook and I thought it was appropriate for something I recently learned.



Di ba wagi?

Stumbled upon a friend this week and she told me that there's still this rumor being circulated about me pala, which has been like a lingering/pestering pus of a wound that wouldn't heal. And no, the wound ain't mine, mind you. Apparently, it's someone else's -- the rumormonger's.

In a cast of characters where the stranger is a person I don't know and I haven't met, and the friend is, well, my friend, the rumor apparently goes like this:

Stranger: Hey, do you know Libay from ___?
(it varies how I am introduced)

Friend: Yes, why?

Stranger: Hm, apparently, ___ (rumormonger) said that
Libay stole ___'s (rumormonger's) girlfriend.

Friend: Really?

Cue laughter here.

You know, I actually pity people who spread rumors about themselves. Because frankly, I don't see this as an act of spreading a rumor about me. Because if you dissect this rumor very well, like in a formalist analysis type of shitz as we do in the academe, I don't end up as the "bad guy" here. Pramis! Haba pa ng hair ko, to have someone's girlfriend dump that someone for me!!! O di ba? Haba ng hair ko! Ako na! Hahaha!

Di ba, if we expound, isn't it funny to spread that:

a) You had a girlfriend stolen from you???

b) You had a girlfriend who wasn't interested enough in you that she apparently was willing to get stolen??? By whoever! Not just me. Di ba? Credit some free will naman here to your ex!

c) You're the type of person whose girlfriends are willing to leave you (i.e. get "stolen") for other people???

d) You're the type of person whose idea of coping from a heartbreak is to identify a villain outside of your body and pin your insecurities of being dumped on this villain? A.K.A. me!!! Me=villain. Well thank you for making me Lex Luthor, but you ain't exactly Superman material, honey. You're not even Robin (sidekick) material. I mean haller, no Justice League or League of Extraordinary whetevers would recruit you, because... oh yeah wait, some group will actually recruit you! Because, as people around us (a.k.a. our common friends) described you years ago (when I didn't know you yet), you're a psychic/energy vampire daw! They coined the term, not me ha. (I am actually envious that I didn't come up with that description!) I actually didn't know what that meant when I heard writer friends describe you as such, but it means pala that by merely standing beside you, you suck the energy out of people beside you, because that's how negative you are daw as a person. Imagine that! I heard that even before I met you, and I heard it again when I finally met you and became your friend. During that time, I still treated you as a friend so I just shrugged it off whenever I would hear that from someone, until I proved to myself that you're not merely an energy vampire, but you are a dementor personified. Harry and Hermione would love to wave their wands on you, dear. Tsk.

e) And worse, this girlfriend, the one you said I "stole" from you, left you in 2008!!! Check the calendar. It's 2011 na. And you still talk about this ex getting "stolen" in 2008, during 2011??? Jeeezus H. Christ!!! This is soooo last decade! Chos.

Hm but wait, let me see. During the time that you said I "stole" your girlfriend, I actually had a girlfriend back then in 2008. In fact, when 2008 entered, I was with this girl and then we broke it off during the latter half of the year (and as your ex told us, meaning me and her friends, you guys split during the first half of 2008, during the time I was with this girl whom I became girlfriends with since 2007). But in less than a month, I had another girlfriend who stayed with me for the rest of 2008 and past that year as well, until the latter part of 2010. But again, after a month, I met this wonderful girl naman and we had a really, really great and super-loving bond which spilled over to the new year of the new decade of 2011. Meaning I don't really have a problem in this department of finding girls or girls finding me. Meaning I don't have to steal someone's girl in order to have a girl. It's as clear as day, hey. Heheh.

Soooobrang haba ng hair ko, pare. Hahahaha!

So hmmmmmmm, ano na, teh??? I don't know about you anymore, since I stopped being your friend the moment you fabricated this lie about me, about this stealing thing. But geez, kawawa ka naman. I pity you. You still have this issue to this very day??? What have you been doing all these years? Jeezus.

Like that sign said, haters, fools, and idiots. Apparently, this rumormonger is all three -- rolled into one. Yeah, those people. Haters, fools and idiots. Tsk. Such a pity. Learn from this, folks, and try to abide by karma's rules. The truth of the matter is, the kind of energy you emit (negative/positive) will be the kind of energy you will attract. So take heed, because the universe always listens -- and keeps tabs.

illustration by robert alejandro, swiped from a friend's account on FB

There are soooooooo many things to do in this world, soooo many wonderful things to accomplish, sooooo many sights to see, sooooo many wonderful tasks to ignite. It's a shame that they focus on negativity alone. No wonder the universe ain't so kind to these people. Well, we all choose our paths. I'm just glad they're out of mine.

So again, to reiterate:



Talaga! AKO NA! Heheh.

Rock on, folks! :)

mamatay na ang dumukot ng wallet ko

i was robbed the other day, no less inside my office at the good old university of the philippines film institute's academic division at the annex building of plaridel hall or the college of mass communication.

if you've been inside my office or our upfi offices, which colleague and film director ed lejano lovingly calls "bartolina," you'll see how small and difficult it is to maneuver inside, much less have more than two people there at a given time. students come and go inside half my office because i am the academic coordinator, meaning i head the academic division of upfi so everthing academic they ask me, have me sign equipment reservation papers etc. often, i see most students' eyes roam around the "decor" (eg. kalat?) of my room as i browse through their documents before signing them and such. no big deal.

but maybe this time, it was. even if i leave my office door open, the way leads to the common area where our secratary is stationed and where people converge coming out of their respective faculty offices or the technical room. and my room, when open, is so visible even from the corridor outside, kaya nga wala akong takas sa mga naghahanap sa akin. i can't close the door naman for privacy (except sometimes) dahil sira na for ages yung aircon na sine-share namin ng ka-duplex kong faculty room, which houses another colleague, 24oras/unang hirit director roehl jamon. kaya we'd rather conduct our businesses outside or tiis mode na lang dahil walang pera ang cmc pang-repair ng aircon.

and even if you're outside my door, you won't immediately see where i leave my bags. and where do i leave them? my small shoulder bag sling type ek i always hang sa makeshift coat hanger sa dulo ng desk ko, near the farthest kanto na ng office ko. my backpack naman sa baba nun, konti na lang at nasa ilalim na siya ng desk ko, na nasa dulo nga ng room.

i opened my backpack to get stuff and put the music cds i was lending to a friend that afternoon, and i distinctly remembering bringing the SATC OST which was on top of the cd pile on the table. then i prepared stuff and went outside my office, not bothering to close it, because i will just hold a 10-minute orientation session with students who will shoot their thesis this sem. i asked our secretary to eat an early lunch so by that time, she is already there na, which she was. when i went outside and inside the orientation room, just a few steps from my office, our secretary was still in her area.

when i got back, it was already 1pm and i prepared for my 1-4pm class. i just waited for my friend who arrived by 1.20pm or so, and told her about the cds and she could use my computer to do her music research while i hold class. i go out from time to time so i could see if my friend was okay or if she needed anything from me. i was showing her the cds but the SATC OST was not there. i asked her to search for it sa room ko pero wala siyang nakita.

flash forward to 7pm. i was about to pull out when i noticed my sling bag's zipper was open and the side zipper was also open. nakakadaya yung side zipper kasi nasa top din siya kaya napagkamalan sigurong main zipper. i looked inside and saw my wallet was gone. i searched for it in my backpack but it was not there. i searched everywhere, but it was not there. from 4.30-6.30p, i was busy hauling unwanted papers and files from my office and did some house cleaning so i know the wallet was not outside my bag.

it was then that i realized that i was robbed.

i guess it was fast, swift, and desperate. i would understand why someone would want to partake of other people's property. sabi nga sa police report ng diliman police station "unknown intruder entered vicinity with the intent of material gain." hanep sa wording, couldn't have said it better myself.

with the intent of material gain

we all have the intent of material gain. who doesn't? well, technically, dapat ang mga pari hindi dahil meron silang vow of poverty, at ang mga buddhist monks kasi nga material things will not lead them to nirvana. but the rest of us folks always have that intent of material gain.

i was just texting nga my pinsan the other day who was so keen (read: kulit) on recruiting me for some variation of a multi-level marketing or direct selling business whatnot. we had a text exchange, sabi ko i was busy and if only i had more time, i will sit with them and attend their orientation. he then said na that's life daw, dapat daw i make more time to make way for a job that will make me happy or something and if i want to make more money, then i should devote time daw to know how. slight na-offend ako, thinking if he really knew what i was doing. so i told him. i said i already have a job, at sa UP na lang nga, swamped na ako but i like it, because it makes me happy even if faculty sweldo is not so happy in terms of material gain (un-gain nga e). then i said, i am also happy with my other media engagements, because that makes me happy. meron din siyang sinabi about making money and getting rich. so in the end, ang sabi ko is this, complete with the miss universe crown and scepter:

with all the things i do, my aim is not really to get rich but to leave works that will enrich other people.

*bow*

in short, gusto ko kasi, yung ginagawa ko, may kabuluhan, may impact sa ibang tao, may importance. kahit ma-touch ka saglit ng isang article, mapatawa ka saglit ng isang skit, mapukaw ang isip mo ng isang insight na galing sa akin, happy na ko dun, material ungain notwithstanding. so ang ending, he said "okay, i understand." i guess that's the last i'll hear from him about that topic.

so to be violated and offended like that by the thief who stole my wallet, in no less than my office sa kapita-pitagang unibersidad ng pilipinas, na ngayo'y isa nang national state university dahil sa new charter, aba, ang galing. U.P. ANG GALING MO sabi nga ng mga banners, tarps, posters, shirt at flyers na nagkalat sa campus ngayon. ang galing mo, galing mong magnakaw sa baluarte natin na dapat ay protektado ng matinong pag-iisip at makataong pakikitungo. hindi pala.

it's just sad to think that this could happen in that place. i don't mind that i lost the cd, the wallet or the money. all of that i could replace. hassle lang of course yung nawalan ng pertinent documents like my health cards (philhealth and UP health service), the atms which i all had blocked and replaced, and my driver's license. also the other stuff i put there because i deem them important. i just with the thief would return those. i dont care if s/he keeps the money, the wallet and other things s/he may find useful, but i hope s/he returns the other things that are useful to me.

what i loathe here is the thought that someone in UP could do sometihng like this. of course not everyone is perfect, and the biggest thief of all was after all from UP (hello dictatorship). i think someone who does this is also sick in the head, so dapat magpatingin siya dahil mental health ito e. sana lang ma-realize niya before it's too late. kung student siya, sad naman. siguro hindi nga nila naiintinihan ang value ng pera, kung paano ito pinaghihirapan, dahil madali lang para sa kanila na kunin ang pera o gamit ng iba nang walang pakundangan. mas nalulungkot ako dito ng sobra. alam ko namang hindi ito gagawin ng colleague, dahil mas may material gain naman silang lahat kesa sa akin, at siyempre intact (kahit papaano) ang mental health nila. alam ko ring hindi ito gagawin ng mga kuya at ate na utility na laging pumupunta sa opisina para mangolekta ng basura, tumulong sa pagbubuhat at tumulong sa sekretasrya na magtimpla ng kape. alam ng mga taong ito (o at least ng grupong ito na kasalamuha na namin ng matagal na) ang halaga ng perang pinaghihirapan at pinagtatrabahuhan ng marangal, kaya hindi nila dudungisan ang sarili nila sa ganoong paraan. kung taga-labas naman ito, wala rin naman kaming magagawa dahil baka nga sinukuban iyon ng evil na ang sole intent ay material gain.

ayun lang. sana lang hindi siya estudyante, kasi nakakalungkot na hindi niya naiintindihan kung ano ang konsepto ng dangal, ng marangal na trabaho, at ng sakripisyo. kung estudyante nga iyon, naaawa ako sa mga magulang niya at sa mga nagpapaaral sa kanya. 'ika nga, sayang lang ang puhunan...

meredith brooks mode

sorry ha, but i just need to bitch -- publicly!

you guys, what do you think of writers who give advise on "writerly things" to another writer who obviously has had much more experience, exposure and education in the writing biz?

okay lang sana sa akin ito kung alam ko ang pinanggagalingan ng writer. kung mas keri siya sa akin sa grammar and all things about style, i'll listen to him or her, no problem. wala akong ego when it comes to workshopping my stuff because i really really crave for that because i want to make my works better. pero kung kini-critique niya ang isang literary material nang hindi niya inaalam kung paano ang approach ng literary material na iyon, medyo sablay yun, di ba? obviously, hindi pa siya nagdaan sa mga national writers' workshops at sa undergrad or postgrad literary writing classes dahil kung may enuf experience siya sa ganun, alam niya dapat how to ascertain the project of the story, 'ika nga ni mam jing hidalgo. kung naghahanap siya ng conventions sa isang genre na iba ang conventions, sablay. maghahanap ka kaya ng william gibson-ish stuff sa works ni shakespeare? maghahanap ka ng jeanette winterson-ish stuff sa works ni tom clancy? maghahanap ka ng tolkien-ish stuff sa works ni virginia woolf? sige, career-in mo yan at tignan natin kung di sumakit ang ulo mo!

ang tanga, no? hm. the thing about young writers these days is that there's such a lot of arrogance going around in their circles. sometimes, they're not in touch with what went before them. most times, they're pooh-pooh-ing the others that will come much later. i think tama si jologzboi when he said in the ccp literary forum we had that our generation is in the middle of the generations: hindi kami pasaway, alam namin ang mga canon and the anti-canon peeps that were and are ahead of us (and we respect them even if we are trying to 'subvert' some of them), and we are actually looking at the younger ones to give them advise and nurturing. e kung punyetang younger batch ito e pasaway naman? hay, never mind. i don't need you. we don't need you. leave me alone. go back to blogging or whatnot.

this is the time when you have to pull out your stuff and ride some kind of high horse din e, just to prove a point. sometimes, you realy need to do it -- you're forced to, eh.

hijo, mananalo ba 'ko ng dalawang palanca kung hindi ako akma sa literary writing world? maa-anthologize ba ako 6 times kung wala akong alam sa pagsusulat? think about it. sige, go back to copywriting...

hm. para yata itong yung mga tao na nagbibigay ng grammar advise when they themselves cannot even get their syntax straight. ako wala akong kiyeme to admit na i need help in english sometimes kasi naman it's not my first language at characteristic yan ng majority ng mundo na hindi english ang first or second language. sabi nga nung kanta, "tayo'y mga pinoy, tayo'y hindi kano, huwag kang mahihiya kung ang...grammar mo ay sablay." pero kung manglalait naman ang isang tao ng grammar ng iba samantalang ang saril niyang grammar ay sablay, aysus, wala nang mas sasablay pa doon, hane? my gash! i don't know for you, but with me, life is peach!

parang ito yung "so who is the beautiful girl of the dennis? is it you or is me? and the winner is me!"

o kaya yung "do you smoke? do you drink? do you drugs?"

hay naku, you can never can tell!

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!