waking up triggers and traumas

It's a Sunday as I type this, around four in the afternoon to be exact. It's a special day for Christ-loving Filipinos -- even those who support sons of dictators who had people killed -- because it's Easter Sunday. Easter nga ba? I have long shunned such practices of organized religions that I really can't recall some of 'em anymore. But it's what they call in Filipino as "Pasko ng pagkabuhay" dahil Jesus rose from the dead, after dying last Good Friday at around 3pm impunto. Kung paano nila narating na itakda ang saktong time of death ni Hesukristo is beyond me. Basta follow lang where He leads, ganun.  

But this is not a religious post. This is about another kind of awakening. Or reawakening perhaps, and not the kind that leads to enlightenment. Well, sort of, maybe. Kasi kahit papaano, naliwanagan na akong meron pa pala akong trigger na naiwan sa akin ng isang '90s trauma. Ish. Anak ng totchang sa layo 'no? To be exact, 1997 siya. Kung hihiramin ko ang Delorean ni Marty McFly, pwede kong tuntunin ang exact time and place when that trauma started this trigger. Hm, but do you really want to do that? Maybe for small ones that don't matter much -- until it triggers you nga. Siguro.

Listeners of our old podcast TitaTibx know very well na ako ang always triggeredt tita between the two us na host hahaha. Trademark ko na yata ang ma-trigger. May painuman pa nga daw minsan sabi nung isang listener, na tuwing mati-trigger daw ako, isang shot! Hahaha malalaseng kayong mga teta nyan hahaha. But eh, whatevs.

Anyway, I was quietly doing some relaxed work this afternoon when I recognized again a music sampling in one of the lo-fi playlists I love sa Spotify. See, I subscribe to all kinds of lo-fi instrumental beats kasi, na ito na pala ang tawag sa dati kong alam na chillout/lounge/triphop/trance and their intersections. LO-FI. Cute naman. Mood music rin, and I always tune in to the coffeehouse/cafe vibes, the upbeat beats, the chillax or lounge beats, mga ganyan, perfect background music for working without calling attention to itself. 

That is, until may sumingit na isang sampling sa isang song na tumugtog. At ang background ay naging front-and-center bigla.

In the '90s, back when people and posers lol loved going
to ABG's, I loved going to a bar called Lava Lounge
in Makati instead (less konyo, ish lol) because the DJ
was spinning vibes like these doon. There saka
sa Verve Room sa Malate ko lang naririnig 'yung ganito dati.
And no, I didn't go to raves. I didn't like techno techno lang kasi.

If you're not familiar to music sampling, it's a heavy hip-hop practice way before hip-hop was known as rap, like legit orig rap rap, y'knowwhatimsayin. I'm a huge fan of the genre when it evolved, and one trademark of the early days was getting some bars of music from an existing song and repeating it over and over to integrate it into a new song. Kaya siya sampling. 

Ito 'yung ginawa ni Vanilla Ice nung '90s sa "Ice Ice Baby" na 'yung umpisang beats niya is a sample of Queen and David Bowie's song "Under Pressure." Eh hindi nagpaalam si bakla hahaha kaya they sued him. Ewan kung sino nanalo, i-Google niyo na lang. But that, in a nutshell, is what sampling is all about. We hear this now everywhere, not just sa rap or hip-hop. Kahit mga pop songs ginagawa na 'yan. 

So apparently, this one song in one of the lo-fi playlists of mine had a sample that triggered a '90s memory for me. It's a Portishead sampling, isang grupong parang ninuno na rin nitong lo-fi of today. So siyempre, ang trigger at trauma ay ex-related lol, a tale of how I became an accidental kabit hahaha lekat.

In the '90s, kapag may ka-LDR ka, lalo na sa USA, mahirap mag-usap araw-araw. Mahal ang per minutong call, di pa naiimbento ang video chat let alone text (or hindi pa pinalalaganap ng Globe sa ibang networks ang SMS at wala pa ang Smart nito), aabot ng 3-4 weeks bago makarating ang love letter mong hinulog sa post office, pati package na cassette tape na pinag-record-an mo ng musings mo sa nyowa mo kasi mas tipid ito at mas marami kang masasabi sa isang 90-minute cassette kesa sa 9-minute phone call na almost 20x siguro ang presyo kesa sa presyo ng blank cassette at airmail stamp.

So when I met this girl who said she likes me pero meron siyang ka-LDR na parang papawala na sila kasi nga bibihira na silang mag-communicate kasi nga LDR heygard, I thought it really was the tail end na of their relationship. It was March 1997 when I met her. We broke up December 1997. In the middle of that, dun ko nadiskubreng accidental kabit ako, kasi kahit hindi pa naman siya official na hiwalay, may emotional connections pa rin pala naman, unlike what she implied the first time we got together. Of course she could refute this, but well, that's how it was impressed upon me. And people around her started saying na she should choose na  between the two of us, or to let go na lang of the one in the LDR kasi malabo nga ang LDR talaga, to begin with, or bahala siya basta huwag kaming kawawain pareho sa sitwasyong ginawa niya. I never pressured her to do any choosing, but I did chime in on the fact that she should tell the other one about me, and then saka siya mag-decide. After all, years later, I would develop this kind of nontrad thinking na it's okay to have multiple people in your life for as long as you all know each other's existence. Walang secret-secret. But of course, when you commit to being monogamous, then by all means uphold it naman. Ganun lang naman kasimple sa akin iyon.

Pero iba pala sa kanya. Or kanila.

All of a sudden, nagka-dilemma siya. Parang "torn between two lovers" ang peg na di ko magets. Sabi siya nang sabi na papawala na sila nung isa yadda yadda, pero as the months progressed, siguro may lumalamon sa kalooban niya kaya nag-iiba ang timpla niya dun sa isa. She finally got around to saying it in a cassette tape, and when the other one received it, she made the expensive call to Manila to say na she's going home sa Pasko and they should discuss muna in person before deciding on whatever. And I was like, e di good, sige gora 'yan. And she was thankful that I thought that way. At that point, I even told her keri lang if hindi ako ang wagi sa usapang ito, kung sila ang matuloy. Ang mas importante sa akin, honor the timeline na lang of deciding when the other one comes home.

But the plot twist is, bago dumating yung isa, this torn girl broke up with me bigla. Walang kaabog-abog. Doon ako nagulat. Ang ganda ng usapan, di ba? Adult-like. But I guess at the tender age of 23, you can't still be considered a full-ass adult, kasi malapit pa 'yung 23 sa 19, sa teen, teenager, like anak ng teenapay sa biglaang desisyong walang isang salita. Anyway kebs.

So the long and short of it is, I was staying in her room, in a 3-room old house where 2 of the other rooms were being rented out to other people ng nanay niya who owns the house, or tita yata, basta family. Para siyang caretaker occupying the 3rd room collecting rent. Wala 'yung isang renter for the yuletide holidays and the other room was locked na kasi kaka-move out lang nung andun. Nakakatawa kasi to add insult to injury, gusto niya doon din tumira itong balikbayan niyang ka-LDR sa same house where I was also living since we hooked up nung March. Wagi 'no? Ano 'to, Melrose Place??? Kaloka si ati. 

Pero siyempre bahay nila 'yun, wala pa akong means to move out somewhere dahil biglaan lahat, so sabi ko dun sila sa newly vacated room leche. So inari ko 'yung espasyo niya hahaha. Buset eh. Pero dahil nga andun lahat ng stuff niya, gusto niya doon kami mag-meetup, kaming tatlo, hang out and get to know each other, inuman ganyan. Ang ganda ng eksena di ba? Pampelikula ampota. Kung di ka gagawing serial killer character ng moment na 'yun, siguro unabomber pwede, na iisang tao lang ang target mong tsugiin lol. 

Ang haba ng back story ng trigger na ito, 'no? Kailangan kasi ng proper setup para mas maintindihan ang impact kung bakit trigger 'yung trigger. So eto na nga. Dahil parang mas matured ako at si balikbayan dun sa girl-in-1-degree-separation namin, open kaming ma-meet ang isa't isa at mag-usap -- which we did, later on, pero di namin sinama 'yung isang tanga hahaha. Kaba niya kung ano magaganap sa amin. But we just talked like the adults we are (or we're tying to be), and just concluded that such is life. Hinayaan ko na sila, and I told them to just leave me be. Na hindi namin parehong sinadyang manggulo ng anuman or manakit and stuff like that. In fact, enlightening siyang kausap, and she said the same about me. So keri naman kami. Balik tayo dun sa tanga hahaha.

So eto na. Kakarating lang nga yata ni LDR, gustong iuwi ni tanga sa room niya, mag-meet at inuman daw kaming tatlo. O e di sige, dala kayo bote, jamming tayo. Dun kami sa kuwarto niyang katiting, na mag-dalawang dipa ka lang eh sagad na ang wall-to-wall. May component siya na may CD at cassette player. Ikinasa niya ang isang CD na dala ni balikbayan as background while we were making tagay in between uncomfortable silences and tanga's attempts to lighten the obviously heavy walang-uuwing-buhay-dito situation. Being a semi-people pleaser -- or maybe para lang walang dead air sa aming broadcast day -- the ex raved and went on and on about her balikbayan's choice of music faves, mga inuwing CD ni ati from the yooseopey na parang di naman naririnig sa Top 40 Pinoy airwaves pa back then (or maybe sa niche lang like 99.5RT at NU107 lang ganyan). Isa na nga doon itong CD ng Portishead.

Now since I love lounge/triphop-y sounds like that, dapat nagustuhan ko siya di ba. I love their groove. It's just that this one song of theirs na sikat 'yung paulit-ulit na pinatutugtog ni tanga that night. And it stuck to my brain, and unfortunately, it stapled itself to this trauma file that this episode produced. That I didn't know all this time na, in the filing cabinet of my mind, andun pa pala itong stapled song na ito, naka-attach sa file ng particular traumatic moment na 'yun for me. So naturally, whenever I hear that song or even just a sample of it, my mind suddenly time-travels back to that night, that episode, that moment, that halukay-kalamay feeling happening on my insides, clouding my brain, and hurting my heart. And I didn't realize na may ganung effect pa rin pala now, pero not that powerful enough to knock my wind off. It's like a momentary stop lang, napapaisip ka, like biglang naalala ng utak mo o puso mo (o pareho sila, I dunno exactly) 'yung sakit ba. No, not the lost love or breakup or any romantic pining shit like that. Shit na lang 'yun sa akin now. It's all about me, the trigger, and how I was made to feel. Parang mas 'yun ang naiwang latak, I suppose.

But the effect, like I said, is not that impactful. In fact, it's like an echo of an effect na lang. Ito pala 'yung sinasabi nilang echo na lang, na parang alam mong andun 'yung tunog, pero wa ka na care sa pinanggalingan, pero minsan may naiwang tunog lang na kasingbilis mawawala kung gaano kabilis ding lumitaw ito. Echo nga eh. Hindi nagtatagal. Parang ganun na lang. So I suppose it's not entirely a huge trigger, like trigger-trigger, now that I write about it. It's merely like an echo of a trigger, latak siguro ng naramdaman noon, ganun na lang. 

Songs -- even samples of them --
could make you travel back to memories past.
Just gauge the kind of journey you'll embark on. 

It's strange how thoughts and feelings could play tricks on you sometimes. And it's also comforting, in a way, to know that such a monumental trigger of yore could be now reduced to an echo of its existence. Madaling mawala, sa isang iglap lang din ng paglitaw niya. And what's comforting about that is the fact that I GOT OVER IT. Kung anuman 'yung yucky episode na 'yun na ang sama sama sama sama sa pakiramdam mo at that time, isang blog post na lang siya ngayon. Like part of your personal narrative. Not a good part, but a part nonetheless -- one that made you, or makes you, what you are right now. The fact that I was able to overcome whatever it is that I needed to overcome that time, I did it mehn. Mas doon ako nako-comfort. I DID IT! Sabi nga ng isang friend sa akin lately, "Kaya mo 'yan, ikaw pa." Parang sa tingin niya, may track record na ako of surviving, I suppose. And yeah, I think I like that perspective and angle -- track record of survival. Overcoming. Being able to overcome. Becoming. Becoming stronger. Become you.

Ayus.

You know, that night, I kept on saying in between the uncomfy silence na this could all become a good scene for a movie script someday. And that's what I did with my anger, resentment, sadness, and brokenhearted grief that time -- I rolled it up into one giant ball of ink and used it to pen a screenplay that would later give me an honorable mention award at the 1998 Film Development Foundation of the Philippines' annual scriptwriting competition. Yes, children, pwede mong gawing art ang trauma, at puwede mo pang pagkakitaan lol. Pak na pak, 'no. 

Funny what an afternoon could bring. Amusing what life makes out of it, too. Mga patay na nabubuhay. Mga nabuhay na di rin naman nagtagal. Ang kamatayan ng pagdaramdam. Ang pagkabuhay ng tamang pakiramdam.

Word. ☮🧡🔥

deconstructing closets turned coffins

What can you say about a life that never had a chance to be lived? Lived out loud, lived in the open, and lived in peace, at peace, with one's being, choices, decisions. 

One could merely speculate.

When I outed myself back in the late '90s as a lesbian to my cousins, it's to react to a rather misogynistic post made by an older male cousin who's in the US military. Army or Navy I can't recall, but he's been there for a while. The post is just one of the maloko posts, like a picture of a jet/plane painted with some sexist shit, I think. Or homophobic, even, I can't recall anymore. Yeah, maybe it was some kind of gay-bashing, to be exact. The exercise is the equivalent of sharing FB posts or memes in your private egroup. In the late '90s and early 2000s, we cousins did that in a family yahoogroup. 

Of course, as a bourgeoning feminist, I won't have none of it. So I called him out, and in the process I outed myself. What if he was mocking lesbians, or women, and I happen to be both. I think I said something like that. So I asked for respect. And outed myself as an example. Would you malign me? Something like that.

Of course later in our annual year-end family reunions, it was a big topic. My sister and I have always said that the Linsangans had a faster network than the internet in spreading stories about whoever. And my outing was the big news of that season. Whoopteedo. Ugh.

Perhaps it's a matter of being uneducated much about the topic, or the world hasn't really Ellen-ified itself yet at that point -- or it hasn't trickled down to Pinoy culture yet -- but being LGBT is still such a scary topic to touch. Especially in a family that didn't have one rainbow carrier -- or so it seems. Maybe not having one that's obvious, I mean, for that outing produced four kinds of reactions from my relatives.

Reaction 1: The come-here-so-we-can-cure-you reaction.

I remember we were in the Provident Village house of my tita here in Marikina, one of the frequent venues of such reunions for it was big enough to hold all of us 7 families and sub-families down the generation line. I went to the long table where the food is served, and I think four female older cousins were there, huddled and talking about something. 

While I was deciding if I wanted to get fresh lumpia or not, one of them said "Huy Libay, 'lika nga rito... turuan ka namin maging tunay na babae. Hahahaha."

And in my mind I was like, oh, so I'm a fake woman now, just because I outed myself as a woman-loving-woman? Ah okay, sure, whatevs. 

I remember just smiling and walking away, munching on whatever it is that I put on my plate, stuffing my mouth with food in an attempt to not say anything scathing back at them. I kinda wanted to say sana "So nakaka-ilang tunay na orgasms na kayo sa life? Kasi kaming lesbians, ever single time, eh. Eh you?" But I didn't have enough raging lesbian-feminist energy that time, so I let it slip.

Reaction 2: The we're-laughing-behind-your-back reaction.

My mom was the second to the youngest of 8 siblings, so naturally I had nieces and nephews that were not too young I often mistake them as my cousins sometimes. One of them was a snarky little bitch, the daughter of an equally snarky cousin but wasn't bitchy at all to me or anyone. Maybe this niece got her bitch from her father's side, the good-for-nothing pogi tambay, her a product of unprotected neighborhood landian, you know the type. 

So this snarky bitch even had the gall to say, "Tita Libay, ano ka pala? Ano ka daw? Ano ka, eh. Ano... hahaha." It was like she was debating with herself -- as she was saying it to me -- if she'll tease me or not. And in my mind I was like, Child! Go back to where you came from. Not gonna interact with you, ever.

Reaction 3: The wish-I-were-you reaction.

That same reunion, I decided to just sit in corners and wait the whole event out until it's time to go home. But one of those corner hiding moments was disturbed by the wackiest cousin I had, the loudest even, and a bit bullying if you're an introvert or pikon, as she was a big joker and kidded everyone -- young and old alike -- without reverence to who she's poking fun at or anything of that sort. And it's always green joke central with her. 

With this kind of persona, you really can't tell if she's kidding you or not at a given moment. You know that kind? Yeah, we all had one of these in the family, right. That's why when she quietly sat beside me in that corner and told me she envied me because I can be who I am openly, I assessed like The Terminator assessing if he'll shoot a person if she's telling the truth or pulling my leg. After some time, I deduced that she was for real.

"Buti ka pa! Buti ka pa!" was her mantra on loop. Paulit-ulit ampotah. I didn't know exactly what she meant, so I asked bluntly. "Bakit, ikaw rin ba? Ano ka rin?!?!" And she beamed with pride that she could show me and only me, "OO 'no!" 

And then we got to discussing when she discovered she was one (high school pa lang daw o college yata, basta school-age post-puberty) and if she's sure (super-sure) and why she never pursued it. "Ano ka? Atakihin sa puso sina Mama, 'no!" Okay, so in a family where an unwanted pregnancy out of wedlock early in life won't warrant a parental heart attack but coming out as a lesbian would, okay then, so be it. 'Yan kayo, eh. 

And then I remember her changing her mantra on loop to "Galing! Ang galing! Galing! Tapang!" Paulit-ulit talaga ampotah ang kulit. But I suppose to someone who chose to closet herself for fear of losing many things, it was indeed a courageous effort. Sometimes I forget about that angle, given that, unlike her or some other relatives, I left home as soon as I could afford to live on my own, as soon as I could pursue being independent, 'yung ikaw ang bubuhay sa sarili mo ba. That kind. 

But maybe I'm just built differently than them, though. Or maybe I stopped subscribing to the usual societal scripts passed on from gen to gen in this society of ours that even a small show of independence is construed as an offense. It was her mother, after all, who also told me in a later reunion, this precious line: "Oy, may bahay kayo, bakit hindi ka dun umuuwi?" 

I swear, you can't make this shit up. 

Reaction 4: The we-don't-know-how-to-react reaction.

Of course, aside from these selected face-to-face reactions, there's always the behind your back reaction. And it has always been a given, for I understood that they don't perhaps know how to react to such a stimuli. Again, this is the late '90s, even early 2000s, and waving the rainbow flag is not as obvious as being pro-dictator's son and shit. 

*

Of course it's not all too bad. I indeed have some family members who were more welcoming than others, in ways they could show, albeit awkward. There were two memorable reactions here, as well, which took place way later already. And by way later, it was the late 2000s and mid-2010s na, when the world is slowly catching up to the better side of things. 

And also, I stopped attending those reunions after Reactions 1-4 happened. I only came back years later, for my mom's sake. And lo and behold, enlightenment of some sort. Ish.

Reaction 2.0 v1: The nice-to-meet-you reaction.

Of course it had to be my more enlightened cousins and cousins-in-law who welcomed my partner at that time with this greeting. [Also, did it matter na pare-pareho kaming UP graduates? Hahaha. Yes! In a way hehe. But I digress.] And it was genuine. 

Or maybe it was also baffling for them because they've always seen me as feminine-ish-presenting (i.e. an astig femme) when the Pinoy concept of the lesbian is merely the butch male-presenting pars na pars stereotype. And to bring to the party an equally feminine-presenting girlfriend in tow perhaps made it clear to them that I'm another kind of tomboy, you know. Whatever that kind is, I didn't care to dissect anymore at that point. Take it or leave it na lang, mga beh. Kebs na ko.

But still, I was glad to see their reactions. There's still hope. For some of them, at least. Kahit katiting.

Reaction 2.0 v2: The I'm-still-grappling-with-this-fact-but-you're-still-okay-naman reaction. 

I really can't fault some relatives if they can't cross over to the digital side of things and if they choose to live in analog, you know what I'm saying? To each their own. 

That's why it's funny when I brought my last partner and her kids to the reunion, the first time I did. And I labeled us as "rainbow family." But when an older cousin was mentioning us or calling us for the usual parlor games or such, she said, "O, Libay, sali kayo. And bring your... friend."

Hahaha that cracked me up. And just shrugged it off. Talagang may ellipsis pause siya pramis hahaha. We really can't expect progress from everyone. So gora lang. At least some of 'em are trying naman. Ten points for Gryffindor na lang.

*

Well, I suppose this flashback was triggered by the death of a cousin. Si Reaction 3. Stroke daw, but that's about all I know.

These later years, we've never really gotten together as a clan anymore, even years prior to the pandemic. Many of us have already left the country and stationed themselves in America or other parts of the world. And those who were left here also had their respective lives and networks of their own. So perhaps we don't have that old energy anymore of gathering up just like the old times. But that's actually okay. In fact, I only went to these shindigs in support of my mom. But even she is okay with not having these shindigs anymore. She's in touch with my titas anyway who are in the US (and yehey marunong na siyang mag-video chat sa messenger with them hihi), and some of them older titas already passed na. So I suppose that's that na, for her. And also for me. We see each other online, on Facebook, and that's okay naman na, I suppose.

Wala lang. I was merely wondering about Reaction 3, kasi from time to time, we still saw each other in the panaka-nakang reunions we have had before. She was telling me in secret where she "gets" her women na daw those days hahaha. Ang kulit pa rin ampotah. Prior to that, she was asking me where to meet women daw. Curious na si bakla that time siguro. That was the time of the makasaysayang Downelink of the aughts as I liked to call that site hahaha. Sabi ko mag-online siya dun, but I didn't think going online was her thing back then. Well, back before Facebook happened, anyway. And later, mukhang alam na rin ng iba sa fam 'yung tungkol sa kanya. Pero parang past fact na lang ang peg. Unrealized, kumbaga. Siya na rin mismo ang nagbabanggit. Or maybe dismissed na lang as the usual "lesbian phase" ganun. It's easier to digest in society kasi. Or easier to shrug off. Well, whatever works for her, I suppose. And the others.

And when her mom died and I went to visit with my partner then, 'yung dinala ko sa reunion as my rainbow fam ek, I saw na naman that spark in my cousin's eyes, the Reaction 3 spark. The wish-I-were-you spark. She was extra warm to me, and extra warm to my ex-partner. I suppose part of her had a coulda-woulda-shoulda moment in her. Now that her parents are gone, could she? Will she? Should she? I never knew anymore, for the clan already drifted apart, save for these occasional small-ish gatherings for a purpose or other. Well, mostly lamay. 

It's just strange that in this day and age pa rin pala, one could just go from the closet to the coffin. This really tells me that we still have a long way to go. As a culture, perhaps it's hard to reconcile being an LGBT member in the modern age and a Filipino trapped in traditional thinking. Even if some of us have it easy, easier pa nga, there are still some who still keep this thing under lock and key. 

And this is why I think we still have a long way to go regarding this advocacy. Eto nga't we're still grappling with sexist shit -- state-sanctioned at that -- what more homophobic shit, di ba? Hay naku, such is society. Kaya we all better vote the proper people this time. And maybe if some of us still remain to live in analog ways in the digital realm, that's okay -- for as long as there's also that good old-fashioned respect, and perhaps understanding, of why some people are the way they are, then that's good enough an existence. Live in harmony, and just don't step on other people's rights to be free, happy, and real. 

Respect pa rin. Don't just tolerate; understand. Anyway...

So long, cuz. RIP. Rakenrol ka na dyan, wherever you are. ☮

tick tick... huh?

It's strange. I just finished watching Tick, Tick... Boom, Lin-Manuel Miranda's film take on Jonathan Larson's bio-stage musical. It's good, really nice. Poignant, now that you know the back story of it all, or perhaps the forward story of it. Fast-forward to his almost 36th birthday, as Rent is about to break out to become the breakout of all breakouts of that time for him. But sadly, he wasn't there to see it. Tragic.

What's strange, funny in a non-funny-haha way, and perhaps inspiring-ish, is that it's strange how I discover his work at a time when perhaps the universe wants to tell me something. Like I was, what, just a newly outed lesbian during the late '90s. Some smart dykey kiddo introduces the musical to me, in tapes, I think. Like cassette tapes. And I've never identified with any artistic work more than I did with that creation at that time -- and oh, Reality Bites, man. Well, after all, these are cultural products of my time, like Gen X time. Power to the Gen Xers, baby! That's us. That's me!

I just find it fascinating how some people are so absorbed with making it with an age deadline. Like, you know, self-imposed.

"I want to make my first million at 30!"

"I want to have my own car at 25!"

"I want to do my art before I turn 40!"

Yadda yadda yadda. You know how it is.

Such an obsession with age. And this race against age. What's up with that? I never could fathom that. Or perhaps I'm one of the lucky ones who never had to. After all, some things fell on my lap during certain stages in my life that, if you look back now, indeed seemed a bit... ahead. Of my time? Nah. Just... maybe ahead. Or like, I dunno... Nauna akong nakarating doon bago ang iba. Bago ang lahat? Hindi naman.

Well, hindi naman kasi ako obsessed sa age race na ito, to begin with. Or even career race, as well. Like back in film school, UP CMC Film Dept pa lang noon, I had friends, classmates, who were already hell-bent on their career track even before we graduated. Heck, they already ACTED the goddamn part even before we left the campus, you know. Like ang angas na, ang snob na, ang diva na, ang attitude na. Sure, there's something to admire with these people. But I question the way they pave their paths kasi. I don't believe in stepping on other people just to get your way. So I ceased being friends with the likes of these. Them. Medyo marami sila, eh. Eh ang lola mo, nag-segue.

Sure, we were all film majors. But I also developed this sudden talent to write. Well, not that I haven't been doing this sort of thing. I was doing some things back in high school. I've long been writing journals back when it was still not icky to call them diaries. I mean hey, after all, Anne Frank set the bar high, y'know. Rest in power.

So with this writing thing, not that I was a newbie or an overnight sensation. Heck, I cringe and shiver at the thought of being regarded nga as a sensation... even if that was what happened during my turn at the UP National Writers' Workshop in Baguio, my first literary workshop ever, back in '97. A year after Rent debuted on Broadway, at wala pa akong kamalay-malay sa kanya. March 'yung sa Baguio, so I was what, 23 pa lang mehn. I entered two short stories in Filipino, one about this someone committing suicide, and the other is a children's story about environmentalism. The second one was okay, it was supposed to be my film thesis back in MassComm, pero na-reject. So I turned the script into a short story instead. Pampadagdag lang actually sa submissions, because they needed two to workshop. I only had that one, the more controversial one, "Si Joe Cool Kasi."

Do you know how controversial that was? You know, you had the likes of Dr. Jing Hidalgo, theater stalwart Anton Juan, I think national artist NVM Gonzales, feminist writer Lilia Quindoza-Santiago, sino pa ba andun? Basta, ang dami ng panel eh, people I just met at that time, kasi wala naman ako sa literary circle, malay ko ba. Galing showbiz lola mo, so sina Ms. Boots Anson Roa ang mga nakakakila sa akin, mga ganyan, galing sa showbiz work ko sa Premiere Productions. 

So this is what went down. Hindi ugali sa workshop na alam kung ano and gawa nino. Pseudonyms kami lahat, para objective ang analysis. Big reveal lang kapag 2nd week at 2nd work mo na yung wino-workshop, saka pa lang magpapakilala. Tapos puwede ka nilang tanungin about your work. Eh kasi sa sobrang baffled sila sa naratibo ko, may gusto silang malaman. So it required revealing the author na. Excited kasi ang discussion. The story is about a person who committed suicide, and she was talking to someone na pinagbilinan niya sa suicide note, a best friend, pero di siya naririnig o nakikita. Now the way the story went, hindi mo alam if multo ba siyang nagmo-monologue na di nakikita ng iba or what. And then it led to the discourse na baka naman hindi dalawang tao ito, kundi iisa lang. Aha! Tatalino mag-isip ano? So sila-silang literary greats, they were debating the merits and details of my narrative. Man, I tell ya, debating! Ang init lang ng usapan grabe! At sabi nga nila, magpakilala na ang author para malinawan silang lahat dahil walang makakatulog sa gabi kakaisip hahahahahaha. So I did. Tapos nagpalakpakan sila grabe. Nakakaloka. I can't forget that moment, ever. Sobrang... kakatuwa. Kaka-humble. Kaka-proud. Ewan. Basta. 

Suffice it to say that that Baguio event was a big turning point for me. It somehow legitimized that I can be a writer pala -- of literature. I mean, sure, my film teachers have always praised my stuff, the biggest and maybe one of the earliest compliments I got for my writing was in scriptwriting class. And then I got picked pa for a special advanced screenwriting workshop sponsored by the French Embassy. I thought scripting for film and TV would be my world. Medyo-medyo, later, oo. Pero may pivot muna pala sa literatura.

At the age of 23 pala, napuri ako ng mga literary greats, na hindi ko pa alam na greats pala sila. I was elated and humbled at the same time. At 23. And I never really pegged my age to be important then. Basta andun ako, in the here and now, enjoying the space, absorbing the events, relishing the learnings communicated my way. Ang saya, ang sarap, nakaka-proud. Na may kaya kang gawin sa sarili mo, without connections, and to be praised for your work -- lauded, even -- oh man, 'yun pala pakiramdam ng jackpot.

But wait, there's more! Meron pa pala. Big reveals.

Pivotal talaga ang 1997. So siyempre nag-Abril, ang 23 naging 24. At ang Marso na-fast forward sa Setyembre, September 1 to be exact, ang laging araw ng award-an ng Don Carlos Palanca Memorial Award for Literature. Malay ko ba kung ano 'yun. Well, oo, the year before, alam ko na. I submitted a script, try try lang. Saka some chaka-chaka poetry, juvenile stuff. Try try lang. Olats. Eh nitong 1997, sinali ko itong dalawang na-workshop sa Baguio. People encouraged me to enter them, so I did. Pero ang mas gusto ko talang prize eh sa scriptwriting category, kasi nga alam ko yun ang strength ko. Pero lo and behold, maikling kuwento category pala ang kokorona sa akin. Pareho silang nakasungkit ng premyo. Third prize pareho. Keri lang. Di naman kailangang first. In this world kasi, a Palanca is a Palanca is a Palanca. By any other position would smell as sweet. Hahaha sorry Shakespeare, pa-plagiarize kay Juliet.

So I was an adult, and I won two Palancas na. All before I turned 25. So major achievement pala 'yun. I didn't know, man. Like I said, I never put stock in this age race in my life. No biggie. But then, a year later, ewan kung nag-25 na ba ako nun or what. Oo yata, nag-birthday na ko. Sinali ko naman ang isang full-length script sa annual FDFPI screenwriting compet. 'Yan 'yung ang tawag na ngayon ay FDCP, 'yung office ni Liza Diño now. One of the 10 honorable mentions, out of hundreds that regularly apply. Again, accolades. At age 25. And it was at that awarding ceremony that I outed myself to my mom. Well, push and pull, man. But that's for another post.

Again, ayan, edad na naman. So 25 na ko. May awards na ko, paano ba 'yan. Tapos mga year 2000 I finally had my script work aired on TV. Epol/Apple, sa Dos. It felt nice. Y2K, turn of the century ba, the millennium eklavu, basta. I turned 27 then. I can legit call myself a scriptwriter na, paid at that. Then I quit that to pursue a newspaper job. A friend referred me to an opening, a pivotal one pala na madidiskubre ko na lang later how, parang 'yung pagpasok ko sa literary world na wala akong kakila-kilala sa kanila pa. Ito naman, what, I was 27, 'til 28. I became the entertainment editor of a small tabloid-size newspaper called Pinoy Times, owned by PDI founder Eugenia Apostol. And then nag-EDSA Dos. The paper had a role there, if you remember your Erap impeachment senate hearing case chuva. Yes, children, parte ako sa dahilan, ish, kaya napatalsik si Erap sa Malacañang hahaha. Sorry not sorry. Plunderer eh. Hay, Pilipinas kong minumutya... but that's another post again.

Again, babalikan na naman natin ang edad. Late twenties na pala ako, pero di ko naman masyadong naramdaman. Nakatungtong na ako ng trenta, the big 3 0 na much celebrated ng iba, much dreaded, or much whatever. Much ado about nothing naman for me. Ewan ko ba. Sabi ko sa inyo walang rele itong age race na ito eh. I'm just glad things happened the way they did in my life. Saka ko na babasahan ng iba pang theoretical analysis kung ano ang naging epekto sa akin niyan regarding professional and personal ties, relationships, and stuff like that. Meron, actually, now that I'm plotting it like this, na about and around the age race thing, thanks to Jonathan Larson's Tick Tick lintik na muni-muni. Ayan, napa-recall tuloy ako ng sarili kong boom booms ng life.

So yeah, ang bagets pa pala nun, no? Come to think of it. At 23, at 25, at 27. Every two years may ganap, beh! Hanep no. Tapos ang susunod nang ganap ay yung sa pagtuturo na. Aughts na rin, 2005 to be exact. That same year kinulit-kulit ako ng mga leche kong kabarkada noong college na magdirek sa Siyete daw. Kasi nasisita na sila ng accounting hahaha. Puro sila-sila ang nasa payslips, director slash writer slash EP slash AP whatever. So I reluctantly agreed to take it on. Bakit ba. Wala namang mawawala. Not that I haven't been directing anyway. Dami ko nang na-direct na docu saka AVP as rakets back then. So TV directing is just another form. Gorabels.

So again, back to that age race. Ilang taon na ba ko nung nagdirek ako? If 2005, that's 32. The same age and year I became a university professor with the lowest ranking ever: instructor. Naabot ko naman ang pagiging assistant prof, pero hindi ko rin naman hangad yung mga title-title na yun. Gusto ko lang namang magturo, ganun lang kasimple ang objective eh. Yung ibang tao pala kasi sa akademya, as I found out, iba ang obsession. Full professor, merit promotions, chenes chenes. Siguro keri lang sila dun, kasi dun tutok ang career nila. But I never really sought out to be that kasi e, you know. Just like how the trajectory of my so-called career came. I go where I feel like going, or where the universe nudges me towards, tanggap lang nang tanggap, trial and error. Masaya naman eh, basta kumikita ako ng pambayad sa Meralco at rent, gora. Basta may makabuluhan akong naiko-contribute sa mundo dahil sa trabaho ko, gora. Ganun lang naman eh. Unlike my film classmates na hell-bent. Ayan, at that age, thirtysomethings na kami, may ulcer na, may sakit sa kidney, sa kung saan pa, naoperahan, etc. Mga stress-related sicknesses. Media life pressures. Mga sickening paths to stardom. I don't wanna even go there. Ibang post na lang din yun. Basta in short, ayoko ng naging buhay nila. Kahit mga naging direktor eklat eklat sila. Di naman yun ang aim ko anyway.

Ngayon ko nga lang napapagtanto na ang big deal nga pala when you frame achievements via age, no? Pero OA lang kasi yung obsession dito. Mga 20 under 20, 30 under 30, mga linshak na countdowns na ganyan sa mga glossies. Kakatawa. Well, okay lang naman ako sa mga crucial pivots ng life ko. So marami-rami na rin pala akong naabot at narating sa murang edad pa lang. Ngayon ko lang nakikita nga how big of a deal it was. At 23, 25, winning awards. At 27, 32, being in mainstream media. Kakaiba, no. Kakaiba.

Kaya siguro ang petiks lang ng pakiramdam ko now, at 48. Dalawang kandirit na lang, half a century na ko, pare. Pero wala naman akong hinahabol pa. Wala akong obsession. Yung iba naman, may mga obsessions pala na being the first naman. Na again, it doesn't really matter to me. The first lesbian to do this do that. The first woman to be like this like that. The first Pinay to achieve this achieve that. Ewan ko ba, sa inyo na 'yan. Sino ba nagsabing may karera ang buhay, at dapat nating unahan ang isa't isa? Like that age race, I never could really fathom this race to be the first at something. May contest, teh? I didn't get the memo.

Basta ako, chill lang. I'm zen, I'm happy. Be nice. Be kind. Magkaiba 'yun ha. Exist within, reverberate throughout. Ganun lang. Waves. Comes and goes, crests and troughs. Try to surf life. Hang ten lang lagi. Sana. Sure, may wipeouts. Pero natututo ka kasi for the next steps, for the next waves. So it comes, and it goes, and it comes again, and it goes again. But you're still there, breathing, alive. And free.

So, may idadagdag pa ba ako sa roster, now na may nahakot na naman pala ako sa buhay regarding age-pegged accolades and milestones? Hm, petiks lang. Bago ako umalis ng peyups nga pala, after teaching for 8 years, na-bestow-an lola mo ng titulo ng UP System: Artist 2. Na dapat 2010 na award siya, pero 2011 ata dumating dahil delayed, o 2012 na nga yata. So sige, sabihin na nating 2012 ang awarding. Anong ganap? I was 39 na at that time, UP Artist II pare. Biggie ito sa system, so keri na rin. Then a year later, before turning 40, I up and left hahaha. Without a kabog. Kapag puno na ang salop, sabi nga kasi ni FPJ dati. Layas na lang ang queen of walkout hahaha. But that's for another post again.

Nang lumipas ba ang 40, may bagong ganap pa ba? Oo naman, may pahabol pa pala si universe na di ko naman namalayan, damay lang ba. Mga 2014 pala yun, a year after my short stint sa Rappler, na-award-an pala 'yung trabaho ko dun. Damay lang sa accolades, Spark Media Excellence eklavu. I didn't even know may ganun. Sinali ng mga bagets ang brand marketing campaign na pinangunahan ko doon. Again, di ko rin naman hiningi 'yun. Pinasubok lang sa akin ni Maria Ressa nung pumunta ako dun para interbiyuhin siya for the CCP Encyclopedia of Arts, isa siya sa toka ko sa raket na 'yun. Matagal na kasi akong binebenta sa kanya ng common good friend namin, as a lifestyle and entertainment beat editor dapat, papabukas pa lang si Rappler baby niya. Di naman naganap. Pero yun nga, that time na pinuntahan ko office niya, humingi ng tulong si ati. Alam niya yatang feminista rin ako tulad ng friend namin, eh ganun yung campaign, tapos lifestyle pa, women empowerment. Attend daw ako ng event and tingnan ko lang if bet ko. Pina-meeting ako sa mga bagets in-charge doon sa campaign. Attend naman ng event si bakla, gora naman ng meeting si bakla, getlak naman ng project si bakla. Sayang, raket eh hehe. Saka ganda ng bayad so go! Kaya after my peyups titser life, balik media ang raket ulit. And I couldn't be happier.

O e teka, anong edad na ko nun sa Rappler? If 2014, alam ko nag-birthday na ko, nasa somewhere in Samar-Leyte ako for a Typhoon Yolanda book project, tawag mga bagets, winsung daw kami sa somewhere sa Singapore awards eklat. O siya, teynks for the FYI. Kakatungtong ko lang ng 40 nung hinila ako ni Maria sa baby niya, so 41 ako nung nanalo kami ng something something. Ewan, nasa LinkedIn ko yung details, tingnan niyo na lang hehe. Pero ayan, oo, wala pa ring humpay, may humabol pa pagtungtong ng kuwarenta. Kahit di na bagets, may nagegets pa rin. Kereh.

O ayan na. Age race, age milestones, chenes chenes. May hihingin pa ba ko? May ipagdarasal pa ba sa universe? Wala naman. Mga bonus naman na kasi yang mga ganyan ganyan sa buhay, award award. Kaya kuntento naman ako. Happy kaya ako sa life stages ko, kuntento ako sa life journey ko. Hits and misses, I won't trade them for anything. Choose your own adventure ito, eh. Lifelong. And I'm liking the trajectory, so far, of my narrative arc of life. Maganda ang plotting, pasado kay ma'am hahaha. Char.

Siguro ang aim na lang ng life now, na tatapak na tayo sa tapwe, ay ang yumaman hahaha. Doesn't hurt to ask! And it doesn't hurt to have it. It's security, baby! Sa totoo lang, yung nagsabi na money doesn't buy you happiness, tanga lang niya at di niya alam kung paano mag-spend hahaha. Not in a materialistic way, hey. Basta. But that's for another post na lang din. Hahaha daming digressions ihhh. Bakit ba. Blog ko to eh. So there.

Anyway, konting tumbling na lang, Abril na. Tapos 49 na ko. O di ba, itong Tick Tick Boom eh 29 si bakla na nag-a-a-angst sa buhay, kesyo wala pa siyang nagagawa sa buhay, samantalang si Stephen Sondheim daw eh 27 nung unang lumabas yung obra niya eklavu, West Side Story nga ata yun. Ewan. Age obsession, is it an American thing? Now that it's like 20 years apart kami muling nagtagpo, 29-49, ano na ang ganap, koya? Napaisip ako sa mga nilalaman ng musika niya, nilalahad ng kuwento niya, pinapakita ng pangarap niya. Na ang bottomline ay: hindi libreng mangarap. Kailangan mong paghirapan. Siyempre, hard work naman talaga ang susi sa lahat. Pero kasi iba yung minamadali mo sarili mo. Parang ang stressful lang nun. Nagpa-panic siya sa pagiging 30 and wala pang ganap. Well, kanya-kanya na lang tayo ng tahak, beks. I'm happy with my trajectory. Sa totoo lang, nakaka-relate ako sa sitwasyon mo sa Nueba York noon. Been there been that! LOL. Pero at some point, we need to grow up. And I'm glad I did.

I have a secret. Aaminin ko na, na nung pinapakinggan ko ulit ang Rent in my 40s, you know whose musings made more sense now to me than anyone there? Yung vini-vilify nilang si Benny.

What happened to Benny

What happened to his heart

And the ideals he once pursued...

Kanta mo nga. Pero alam mo, his idea made the most sense!!! That concept of the cyber arts building? That was golden!!!

You want to produce films and write songs?

You need somewhere to do it!

It's what we used to dream about

Think twice before you pooh-pooh it

You'll see boys

You'll see boys

You'll see - the beauty of a studio

That lets us do our work and get paid

With condos on the top

Whose rent keeps open our shop

Di baaaaaa. Parang matagal ko nang pangarap yan, isang building na may business para sa mga biyaning: may mini-sinehan, cafe, tugz-tugz club, self-service laundromat, a 7-11 hehe, tapos nakatira ka sa taas, penthouse. Langya. I swear, nung narinig ko ulit ito, I caught myself saying... ang tatanga naman ng mga whiny 'Muricans na 'to hahaha. Nanglilimahid na kayo ihhhh, di pa ba mag-iisip kumita ng pera? Hahaha. Ewan. Pero of course, the original intention of this character and his ideas is not lost naman sa akin. Para lang itong nung pinanood ko ulit from season one ang Sex and the City nung mga late 30s na yata ako. Muntik ko nang batuhin ang TV at nabubuwisit ako kay Carrie hahaha na parang, ayan kasi, labo mo teh, gaga ka eh, arte-arte, kaya urong-sulong sa yo si Big. Hahahahaha naintindihan ko na si Big!!! Eh kung kalukadidang ko rin kasi si Carrie, malamang binato ko ng sapatos yan sa inis at sa arte hahahaha. Binato ng Blahniks niya hahaha kainiz. Hay. Ewan. Life.

Yeah, I grew up. I freaking grew up. That's life. My life.

Anyway, it's nearly 4am as I wrap this up. I closed up shop at 11ish kasi, had dinner after that, decided to watch a movie para ma-digest ang food before I sleep, kaya nag-ending tayo kay Academy Awardee filmie na iti. Tick Tick nga. Infernez kay lolo mong Lin, maganda nga siya. Dazurv ang noms. So abangan na lang natin next week ang resulta.

Kaya heto, napasulat ako ng muni-muni, kahit near 2am na, dapat natutulog na ko. Eh may nasundot sa utak ko itong pelikula, sa puso pati, sa diwa at kaluluwa lalo. Kaya heto tayo, tumitipa.

At oo, kahit para doon lang, maraming salamat, JL. Tagal ko nang di nagtitipa nang matagal, nang mahaba. May nag-udyok din nung isang araw. Nasusugan lang ulit ngayon. So perhaps I really needed to see that film at the time I did. I don't know why. Again, perhaps the universe is telling me something. What it exactly is, is a mystery I'm happy to leave at that, for now -- a mystery.

And hey, if you're still here after all this, thanks for reading.

Nyt world.

early morning dread

Ang ganda pa rin ng bahay ko. 'Yung pakiramdam na gigising ka at makakasilip ka mula sa bintana ng ganitong tanawin.

Good morning, sunshine.
[March2022 Marikina]

Peaceful.

Kahit higit isang dekada na 'ko rito -- nearly 15 years to be exact -- maganda pa rin ang gising ko sa umaga. At never kong na-feel 'yung early morning dread. Alam mo 'yun?

Buong buhay ko, ramdam ko ito, eh. Nung bata pa 'ko, gigising ako -- or correction, gigisingin ako -- dahil papasok na sa school. Mula sa earliest memories ko na 5 years old ako, katabi ni Lola sa kama niyang malaki, ramdam ko ang "dread" kasi nga parang tinatamad ka pang tumayo, inaantok ka pa at ayaw mo pang magising, at gusto mo lang matulog muna. 

Dread. 'Yung pakiramdam din na kasi di mo gustong pumasok sa school kasi may bullies, pagti-trip-an na naman nila ang high-tech mong relong bili ng Papa mo sa Japan trip niya, kasi may dice game. Bongga kasi 'yung ganito, sa Japan lang nabibili, wala pang for export, at bihira ang ganitong relo noong grade 4 ako, 10 years old, 1983. Panahon ng diktadurya pa rin. Minamando-mando ako ng mga tyrannical classmates kong mas malalaking bulas kesa sa akin. Sobrang bait kapag hihiramin 'yung relo ko, tapos halos ihagis nila pabalik sakin nang may poot kapag kukunin ko na. Yeah, dread. I dreaded that feeling of being bullied.

Dread. Akala ko noong elementarya lang itong pakiramdam na ito. Buong school life din pala. Siguro, part and parcel na ito ng pagiging estudyante, na dinisenyo ang early childhood life natin na ipilit ang pagpasok sa eskwela, whether you like it or not. Kukuha at kukuhaka ng edukasyon, by hook or by crook. Parang there's no other way of existing save for this one. Not that I dread learning, but I dread some "small" things associated with it lang, or perhaps I'm rebelling against these rituals. Like bakit hindi pwedeng after lunch ang classes? Pwede rin bang gabi lang? O kaya kahit late morning tawad na, mga 10am siguro simula, hindi yung pipilitin kang gisingin ng 6am (or 5 if malayo school mo sa bahay), tapos commute ka o ihahatid ka o susunduin ka ng school bus/van/jeep/tricycle service mga bandang 6-6:30 depende sa dami ninyo at sa ruta ng sasakyan papasok sa school mo. The more layo you are, the bigger your suffering. Olats ka. Basta makaabot lang sa 7-7:30am flag ceremony at hindi mamarkahang tardy, pilit kang gigising kahit tulog pa ang diwa mo.

Nawala nang slight ang dread na 'yan nung college, na hallelujah praise the godless society of UP na you can choose your schedule of classes pala!!! Freedooooooom! But no, kung wala kang choice at kailangan mong kunin ang dapat kunin, halakata, suffer ka sa 7am PE2 class na -- wait for it -- swimming!!! Sa second semmmmmm! Kung kelan malamiiiiiig! Lekat. O kaya kung may prof kang hinahabol o klase na umaga lang ang sked nila kasi, surprise (no) surprise, rumaraket sa labas ang titser mo after lunch hanggang gabi. Na saka ko lang nalaman kung bakit nung naging titser din ako dun -- baba sweldo, mehn. Di ka mabubuhay kung gusto mo ng konyo lifestyle hahaha. E kung simpleng tao ka lang naman at kaya mo ang payak na pamumuhay, aba gora! Natatanging guro awardee na 'yan, o ha! Chos. 

Pero kahit pala paglaki ko at ako na ang guro, minsan nga may early morning dread pa rin sa paggising. 'Yung tipong ang aga ng sikat ng araw pero kailangan mas maaga ka sa kanyang bumangon para makipagsapalaran sa sakayan palabas Marikina papuntang Katipunan Ave, tapos pila ulit sa jeep papasok peyups. Kelan-kelan na lang 'yan. Isipin ninyo 'yung palabas Marikina papuntang Ortigas na office kaya, na noong panahon ng late '90s at even early 2000s ay pahirapan pa rin kung wala kang tsikot. Suwerte ang may tsikot... o hindi rin. Kasi nung una, may tsikot akong pumapasok sa opis, pero sapalaran din sa traffic, ngawit paa sa kaka-menor, at gudlak na lang kung may maabutan kang parking spot na bukas pa along Emerald Ave. or thereabouts. 

Again, it's not that I don't like waking up to work. In fact, I loooove my work. It's simply this early morning dread of waking up way too early to overcome what you know will be obstacles to reaching your happy place of work. That's because some systems -- or many, perhaps -- in this country never work well. Back then, I should say. And to some extent, even some, now. There has been progress, for sure. Like for one, I'm happy about the invention of ride-hailing apps. Pero siyempre kailangan malaki-laki ang budget mo sa mahal nila di ba. Kaya yeah, hail for work-from-home setups na rin! 

Kaya wherever I find myself waking up during certain mornings, minsan makakaramdam ka ng dread na ito. Pero hindi rin pala ito exclusive sa kung ano ang gagawin mo sa araw o mga daily hurdles na haharapin at feeling mo ayaw mong gumising. Minsan, depende rin kung saan ka gumigising.

This was how I felt waking up sometimes beside an ex of mine, in their ancestral home na '70s pa yata tinayo. You know, sometimes houses have this feeling, that they make you feel this early morning dread. I don't know why. Maybe it's the way the sun shines inside the room, the way the rays hit your face or body while still asleep, or maybe the overall general feeling of discomfort that you don't know existed, pero napaparamdam sa iyo somewhat. Or maybe it's also the heaviness of their house, the decades of unresolved family issues, the ongoing family discrepancies, the neverending covert/overt family tensions. Negativities also permeate the air, and it was very obvious in that house. That big, once glorious, but now sad-looking house. Feeling ko nagpaparamdam din kasi 'yung bahay na hindi na siya inaalagaan nang husto rin. Kaya ganun na lang ang aura na namamayani doon. And siyempre, nagta-translate minsan ito sa early moring dread nga. 

Kaya sobrang happy respite lang tuwing uuwi o babalik ako dito sa bahay ko, sa kakarampot kong 40 square meters na existence, pero siksik naman sa aura ng maraming paghuhugutang peace of mind. Na minsan na akong nagkamaling nagpatira ako ng mga nilalang dito saglit na nakayurak ng aura na iyan, nang bongga, among other things na nasira nila sa bahay ko without remorse man lang. Nababoy baga. Kaya ayoko na, wa na. Kung magkakajowa ako ulit, live out pare, live out. Iba pa rin yung mag-isa ka sa bahay, but that's a philosophy for some other time.

Anyway, I just wanted to jot this down. Been a while since I went back to blogging. I was in the middle of working here on my bed this morning actually when I chanced upon that view outside my window, the sun shining and beckoning, making me feel like I want to rise up and face the challenges of the day -- sans remorse, sans regret, sans dread. And this, this is when I know I'm in my happy place. That feeling of waking up without that early morning dread. 

I'm home. ☮

an opening of closures

Sa pagbubukas ng taon, marami rin ba ang magsasara?

Malamang, oo. Sa paligid ko, dalawang tindahan ang nakita kong nagsara. O isa lang pala, dahil iyong isa ikinagulat ko na lang na nawala na.

May sari-sari store dito sa may condo kung saan ako nakatira. Nakakatawang konsepto, sari-sari store, pero sa condo. Puwede na rin. Ganoon kasi ang dating ng tindahan ni Ate Vangie, na nagsimula itong kainan sa pagkakaalala ko mula nang lumipat ako dito noong huling bahagi ng 2000s. Wow, huling bahagi. Ang tagal na pala noon, ano. 

Hindi ko maalala kung kailan naging tindahan itong tindahan, pero convenient siyang puntahan lalo na't bibili ka ng load mapa-card man o 'yung pinapadala diretso sa cellphone. Card ang lagi kong kinukuha. Minsan, mga emergency supplies din na bigla kang nauubusan at may mini-krisis sa kusina. Nawalan ng catsup, baba. Nawalan ng evap pang-kape, baba. Nawalan ng suka, baba. 'Yun lang naman actually. At minsan, napapabili rin ng kung ano-ano. Kahit dumating na ang 7-Eleven sa kabilang building, dito pa rin ako kay Ate Vangie minsan kasi mas malapit. Mas convenient. At saka mas gusto kong tulungan ang mga maliliit na entrepreneur kaysa sa mga multinationals. Kalakarang kalye na rin siguro, bilang laki ako sa sari-sari store sa mga kalye kaya ayun, doon ako sanay.

Nagulat ako noong isang linggo, kakapasok lang ng taon. Bumaba ako para nga bumili ng suka, ano pa. Mga nakakalimutang bumili sa grocery run, o hindi pa kasi sked ng run, kaya pantawid ang ganito. Natigilan talaga ako nang makita kong wala nang laman ang unit na inookupa ng tindahan. Wala na si Ate Vangie. Hanggang sa pagtatapos lang pala ng taon siya nanatili, at hindi na sinimulan pa ang taon dito. Umalis na rin siya pagkaalis ng 2020. Saklap.

Napadaan sa tindahang sarado. 
Wala na ang suki.

Ewan ko ba pero nagitla talaga ako, natigilan. Marahil hindi na ako ganoon kasanay makita ang mabibilis na palitan ng mga tindahan dito o business. O baka kasi mas may koneksiyon ako dito kay Ate Vangie, na minsa'y akala ko hindi na makakabalik dahil na-stroke siya, talagang ngumiwi ang mukha niya at mahinang kumilos pero pilit na nagmanman ng paninda. Lahing Tsinoy si ate, sa tingin ko, baka kasingtanda ng nanay ko o malapit sa edad na iyon, lampas senior. Mabait siyang kausap, napapakiusapan pati, pero hindi madaldal masyado tulad ng ibang tindera sa tindahan. Sakto lang. Sapat.

Sayang.

Ito namang isang tindahan, minsan kong nabilhan ng marami-rami ring mga maliliit na muwebles, ilan ay para dito sa bahay ko, karamihan para doon sa bahay ng ex ko, para sa amin doon at sa mga anak niya. Malaki-laki rin ang nagastos ko sumatutal, pero lahat ng pinamili ko malamang lumutang na naman sa bahay nila noong Ulysses na baha. Dito sa akin, buo pa ang dalawang side table at isang bookcase na may salamin. Puwede na.

Ewan ko kung bakit hindi ko agad naisip na pumunta dito sa Crystal Lamp and Furniture store, pero ang tawag ko dito ay Anaishere, kasi may malaking trapal doon na nakalagay ang litrato ng may-ari, si Ana na parang tita age na upper middle class na Tsinoy din ang aura, tapos nakalagay "Ana is here" bilang reference yata sa lagi siyang hinahanap siguro sa isa pang furniture store na malapit lang doon sa kanya, sa kahabaan ng A. Bonifacio Ave na main road papasok at palabas ng Marikina. Dati yata siyang kasama sa Nemie Furniture, 'yun ang nasagap ko. Pero hindi ko sigurado siyempre. Context clues na lang base sa kuwento niya noong naroon ako at namimili kasama ng ex ko. At may pa-queer kindat pa nga siya sa pagkakaalala ko, may sharing din slight na openminded siya at mukhang supportive. Hindi ko na maalala ang ibang detalye, pero sabihin na lang nating natutuwa siya sa akin/amin at ally siya. 

Got this TV rack at half the price,
originally around 7k, I think.
Super-bargain! Closing out sale na pala.

Kaya nang pumunta akong muli after how many years, nagulat akong nakilala niya ako kahit may facemask ako. Last day na pala niya, magsasara na talaga. Buti naabutan ko pa, at nakapagpagawa pa ako ng inaasam kong bibilhin sana sa ibang malalayong furniture store pa. May isa ring naka-sale doon na kinuha ko na on the spot. Super bargain kasi. Kaya natuwa naman ako at nakakuha na naman ako ng mga maaasahang muwebles na galing lang din dito sa mga entrepreneur na sariling sikap imbes na sa mga SM-SM.

Siguro ganoon nga talaga minsan, may mga lugar na di na kakayanin kaya isasara na. May kalakarang hindi na kayang patakbuhin kaya ihihinto na. Nalulungkot lang ako na sa mga maliliit na negosyante ito nangyayari, at sa panahon pa ng pandemya talaga. Sad indeed.

Siguro affected lang ako dahil mabait ang mga taong ito sa akin. Kebs lang naman ako kung iba ito. Pero kasi, mababait sila, parang tita ko sila, may alaga, may paki, at hindi lang dahil bebentahan ka nila o bumibili ka sa kanila. There's something beyond that initial negotiation sometimes with people, and I felt that with these two women. Sayang.

Suki. That's the Filipino word for it. Suki kasi sila, suki ako. I don't even know if this word has an English translation. Customer doesn't cut it; it's deeper than that, and more meaningful to boot. Times like these I love our language. Mas maraming salitang mas niyayakap ka nang parang tao. May ganung factor. Para sa akin, at least.

Suki. Wala na ang dalawa kong suki. Di ko alam kung mapapalitan. Pero siyempre, iba na rin ang papalit. Ibang karakter, ibang kalakaran, ibang pakiramdam. Siguro, isasama ko na lang sila sa talâ ng mga nawala o nagsara sa buhay. Marami-rami na rin iyon, kung mula pa sa pagkabata ko titingnan. 

It's funny how this year opens with many closures. It's sad, actually. With what's still happening with the world, I hope the smaller people won't be affected like this much. But I know that's more of hopeful thinking than anything. Still, it's good to hope. Sometimes that's all we have to hold on to. Hope.

Hope for no more closures, perhaps. Closures due to loss. And hope for things to get better soon.

Please, universe?

Please.

Now Showing: UlyssesPH a.k.a. Ondoy2020

Habang nilulubugan tayo ng araw kanina dito sa Marikina, marami na namang lumulubog na damdamin malamang. 

Na-Ondoy na naman tayo, take 2, at Ulysses is the name. Bokot.

Kuha mula sa bintana ko, Thur 12 Nov. 2020.

Habang sinusulat ko ito, may kuryente na sa paligid, pero pahirapang espesyal na naman ito sa paglalatag ng panibagong telco lines na nalunod sa baha kahapon. Noong 2009, inabot ako ng isang buwan bago ito maisaayos, at katakot-takot na pagtatalo sa mga customer service rep nila tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay. 

Iniisip ko pa lang na gagawin ko ito ulit, napapagod na 'ko. Nakakapanghina.

Pero tiyak walang katulad ito ng panghihinang nararamdaman ng mga kababayang nasalanta ng mga bagyong nakaraan at kasalukuyan. Mula sa Bicol hanggang dito sa Marikina at Montalban, nakakapagod na namang magsimula sa wala, at nakakapagod mawalan ng lahat. 

Nakakaawa.

Habang sinusulat ko ito, wala pa ring kuryente sa bahay ng mga magulang ko. Apektado ang hilera ng kalye nila ng kung anumang sira. Buti na lang at may mabuting kapitbahay na puwedeng mapagsaksakan para magampanan ang basic na pangangailangan. Ilang kalampag na ang ginagawa namin sa Meralco, pero naiintindihan ko namang tambak na tambak na sila ngayon dahil sa maraming kaganapan.

Lumubog na naman kasi ulit ang Marikina.

Nakakaloka. 

Kuha kanina, a night after the devastation.

At may pa-profound pa si pekpek sa putik na nalalaman.

Impromptu inspection mode ang ganap. So ayan.

Noong unang lipat namin dito noon, 10 years old yata ako, Marikina Valley pa ang nakalagay na address. Parang ang magical, kasi valley. Bahain din noon, at isa sa paboritong adventure namin noon ang lumusong sa ga-baywang naming baha. Malinis pa ang tubig noon, may mga isda-isda pa nga lalo na sa mga bakanteng lote, saka walang leptospirosis na nagaganap. Eto eh, buhay pa ko! At walang rabies. Rabid, oo, sa inept national government. But that’s another issue altogether.

Mabuti na lang pala at text-based ang mga trabaho ko lately, hindi masyadong kakain ng bandwidth. At LTE rin ang Marikina kaya sa Smart tayo naka-data. Puwede nang maitawid, pansamantala. Salamat din sa kaibigang nag-aalok ng wi-fi ampon mode sa panahong kakailanganin ko ng malaki-laking gigabyte.

Salamat din sa lahat ng nagpaabot ng words of concern. Sobra. Nakakataba kayo ng puso. Kahit simpleng “ingat” okay na, sa panahong ito ng social distancing. Reaching out means a lot, too. Lalo na’t aligaga ka and you’re trying to keep it together, despite what’s happening, and bracing yourself because you already know the climax and denouement of this plot.

Bracing for the rewrite. 

This is the strength I’m trying to gather right now. And those words add to the fortification of my soul — yet another type of strengthening I’ve been undergoing this year. There have been lots. And sometimes, I am getting tired. Too tired. But like the true Ox that I am, I plod on. And the true Taurus that I am, too, slow and steady does it.

And so, here we are.

Proceed. 

Shot earlier, a day after the wrath.

In the immortal words of Annie, 

the sun will come out tomorrow. 

It always does, beks. It always does. 

Kapit lang. Kapit lagi. 

PS Curious to see my documentation of Ondoy? Click here for my narration and photos.

Of Queen's Gambit moves and love gambles

Funny what binge-watching a Netflix series at the wee hours of Samhain would pop out: truths that kill regrets. It's Dia De Los Muertos, after all. 

Something has to die. 

And for me, what died but I'm not mourning over is the reason for the pain that still envelops me once in a while. All because of this pivotally poignant scene in The Queen's Gambit:

Moses Ingram (Jolene) and Anya Taylor-Joy (Beth).
Their chemistry works.

Love the way this scene was shot. The camera dollies in from a floor level angle, going toward the actors that play orphan pals Jolene and Beth, until it ends in this full shot of them sitting on the racquetball court floor. Jolene is the unofficial BFF of chess prodigy Beth, and they meet up years later when the former is working/studying to become a lawyer while the latter is trying to juggle her drinking and pill-popping habits with winning chess tournaments. 

This scene from the last episode is where Beth tells Jolene she needs the money to fly to Russia to compete with the greatest grandmaster there, and Jolene offers to share 3k to make it happen. And three grand is huge for the late '60s, when this story is set. 

Their conversation struck me hard. Jolene said Beth can pay her back when she wins in Russia. "What if I don't win?" replied the laconic prodigy. "It's still worth it," retorted Jolene, expounding on how they always got each other's back anyway, even if they're not physically together, or just because they're not related doesn't mean they don't support each other. Growing up as orphans in a Catholic-run orphanage had its challenges, but they coped.

Jolene's dialogue is just golden:

"For a time, I was all you had. And for a time, you was all I had. I'm not your guardian angel. I'm not here to save you. Heck, I can't even save me! I'm here because you need me to be here. That's what family does. That's what we are."

Gold. Can't get more sparkly than that.

And that's when I realized something, out of the myriad of love gambles I have had in this lifetime -- that a partner should be family, should be treated as one, and not as an entity that's separate from that concept. 

Family. How do we define it and how do we reinvent it -- as lesbians, as women, as Filipinos, as fortysomethings. It's different for each of us yet similar as well. Parallel, perhaps, I don't know. Sometimes you just need to be there for your partner, your girlfriend, the love of your life, whatever you term each other. Just be there. And being there means understanding what they need at a certain moment, at a precise turning point in their lives, during a phase whether challenging or celebratory. Just be there. And being there means understanding who your partner is, and what your partner really needs. Really, really needs -- according to who she is, not according to who she is to you.

Boom. Mic drop. Di ba lang.

But understanding doesn't often go hand-in-hand with loving, much less listening, more so being there, and caring. It's different. Alien, sometimes. Some say love and understanding are a package deal. Open the package and unbox something else, folks.

Truths.

There's this book that theorized our love languages, saying we all have variations. And by understanding love languages, we would achieve harmony in relationships. But often, what happens is that we impose our love language on our partner. We tend to forget that we sometimes speak differently when it comes to caring. Your version of care may not be applicable to her, or may not be what she needs at the moment, at that life stage, during that life phase. Are you mature enough to realize the nuances? 

But still, we insist. Even if our partners tell us otherwise, we still insist. And this has been the move that baffles me, each and every time a relationship is about to end on my part. I don't understand why it becomes difficult to see three, five, ten moves ahead, that we'll eventually be checkmated out of a mate, for real, if we don't check closely. If three moves are too demanding for some, how about one? Just one move, anticipate it next, before it's too late. One fucking move.

Sadly, life ain't a chessboard, 'no? Nyet.

No.

I'm not a big chess fan but I taught myself how to play this sport, just like I taught myself how to play that colorful Chinese Checkers boardgame lying around sa bahay ng lola ko where I grew up. My papa was a big fan and a player in his youth, that's why I hear about certain grandmaster names from him. Something something Kasparov, Spassky, Fischer, ganyan. There was a chessboard set kept in the house somewhere, and I found it interesting to play during my early years -- before the Atari arrived. But that's for another blog post. 

And little did I know that the basics of this game would serve as philosophical foundations I would enact in my lifetime. For instance, touch move ka na ba? Kasi may laro doon na once hinawakan mo ang piece, kailangan mong igalaw ito. Same with life; can you really "return to sender" many of your decisions, your actions, your thoughts, your words, kapag nailabas na? Madalas hindi. Napasubo ka na kung napasubo, kaya ituloy mo na lang at panindigan mo. Or, kung takot kang lumabas sa comfort zone, hanggang kailan ka mananatiling trapped sa square mo na 'yan? 

Touch move.

And making guesses, educational or intuition level man, also characterizes the game. Kapag sinabi ko ito, ano kaya ang sasabihin niya? Kapag ginawa ko ito, ito ang puwedeng maging resulta, saka ito, saka ito pa, hanggang sa dumating dito sa dulo, hanggang ito na ang ending. In scriptwriting and fiction writing, we call this the "cause and effect chain" of storytelling: ang isang cause ay nagiging effect, pushing the narrative forward. The effect of that cause then becomes another cause that produces another effect, and so on and so forth. Moves. Anticipate the moves. That's why chess players stare at the board for so long kahit akala mo walang nangyayari. Nasa utak nila ang laro; iniisip nila at ina-anticipate ang countermoves sa moves nila. 

You'll see that a lot in this 7-ep limited series. Which is finely acted, by the way, and I love the '60s chic and groove, plus the "quiet cinema" style of filmmaking it employed, which is often rare for TV series kasi nga TV needs constant "audio hooks" in the form of dialogues or overwhelming music. Pero minsan, tahimik lang ang eksena dito, and you can enjoy the visual spectacle neatly presented in a scene. Man, it made chess exciting, what can I say. Kahit hindi ka player, the characters will also hook you. So yes, it's that good, in my book.

Based pala siya sa isang 1983 coming-of-age novel.
It's super-feminist actually. 

At nakakaaliw dahil habang naaaliw na naman ako sa kakapanood ng series, deluge of nuggets rain on me like this current typhoon we're having.  

So this Queen's Gambit thing explained, according to this chess website:

The Queen’s Gambit is probably the most popular gambit. The objective of the queen’s gambit is to temporarily sacrifice a pawn to gain control of the center of the board. It's one of the most popular openings because of its attacking prowess. White will be attacking and it will be up to black to defend correctly. If you enjoy putting constant pressure on your opponent, then the queen’s gambit is a perfect opening for you.

Meaning ito ang ginagamit ng isa sa pagbukas ng laro, at doon na minsan natitimpla ang takbo ng laro at kung paano magre-respond ang kalaban. Di ba parang relasyon lang? Paano ninyo binuksan o sinimulan ang pagiging magkasama? At gaano ninyo katagal kinailangang kilalanin ang isa't isa? Ano-anong mga piyesa sa chessboard of your lovelife ang kinailangan ninyong i-sacrifice, i-give up, i-corner, i-rescue from being trapped? 

Puta napaisip ako dito lekat. Pampatulog lang dapat ang ilang episodes nito, pero I ended up binge-watching it because these truths suddenly appeared to me, like how the chessboard appears to Beth the prodigy in a hallucinatory way while she's on drugs. Watch it to know what I mean. Kahit hindi ka mahilig sa chess, itatawid ka ng show sa storytelling.

Tulad ng ginagawa ng mga chess players na pine-play out ang moves/games nila even after the game is done, manalo man o matalo sila, bigla kong naisip na i-play out ang mga naging opening ko sa lovelife, or opening nila, sino ba ang nagga-gambit sa amin, palitan ba, at ano na ang mga naisakripisyo kong piyesa para lang manatili sila sa laro, o manatili pa akong nakikipaglaro.

Di ba sabi ng isang quote,
"When love is no longer being served on the table,
it's time to get up."
Parang ganun ang nuggets na na-gets ko
sa show na ito as they're playing chess.

Alam nating maraming pagkakataon na kailangan ka nang umatras dahil natatalo ka na, na kahit anong uri ng remedyong gawin mo, wala eh, wala talaga, walang wala. Pero puwede itong gawin sa madiplomasyang paraan. Tulad ng itinuro ng orphanage custodian sa child chess prodigy noong umpisa pa lang, kailangan alam mo na kung kailan ihihinto ang laro.

"You have to resign now."

Resign. Resign the game. Stop it, if it's not worth killing your brain cells over na. Minsan ang hirap. Napako ka na sa pagkakaupo sa harap ng board, tulad ng napako ka na sa isang relasyong sa tingin mo ay hindi ka mabubuhay kapag nawala ito. Kaya kahit hindi na maganda sa laro mo, kapit-tuko ka sa partner mo dahil may pangangailangan itong naidudulot -- or so you think. Or so you are TRAINED or CONDITIONED to think.

Mahirap din naman kasi to just easily resign, admit defeat, add another failed relationship to your growing listahan sa tindahan ni Aling Nenang Sawi or whatnot. Minsan naman, may nagwo-work pa naman sa samahan ninyo talaga, kaya lang may mga dealbreakers ka ring hindi na mapalampas na. Kaya sometimes, nakikipag-break ka after 6 months lang, o minsan after 6 years, even 6 days kung talagang may kahindik-hindik kang di matanggap-tanggap. It's your stats. Depende talaga ang laro sa kalaro mo. Depende rin ito sa kung paano mo lalaruin ang laro, at ang kalaro mo.

Hay jusme. Love. Gamble. Same same. Anuna earth. How do we do diz.

Nakakaloka ang mga life revelations na ito. Grabe lang. Of course, this is not the first time I get inspired by pop culture fare or literature or art or theater and out pours nuggets of wisdom na na-gets ko sa mga works na ito, my favorite being the classic Warrick Brown philosophy I blogged way back 2010 pa about one of my favorite CSI characters. Puta, a decade ago na pala. Grabe lang, this earth. 

Family -- that's what we are, sabi sa Queen's Gambit. Family -- that's what we're not, sabi sa Bayli Gambit.

I resign.

It was easier to move when I saw it played out in front of me. I can see where she's heading, and I can see where she's not. Ayoko nang umabot sa mas madugo pang checkmate-an, kaya mas madiplomasyang paraan na lang ng pagtatapos ang naganap. But of course, diplomatic doesn't mean not equally devastating nor gut-wrenching. Hence the pain.

Life could still be a dream, sweetheart, 
to paraphrase that song.
Indeed, new ones can still be captured.
Abre los ojos. See better.

Well, in the immortal words of that song, here's where the story ends. But that's okay. Na-checkmate ka man ng buhay, laging andiyan lang ang laro. Up to you if you wanna pick it up. In the immortal words of yet another song, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Cause and effect. Just keep moving your narrative forward -- gambit or no gambit.

Anyway, have a safe week ahead of you. Ingat sa bagyo, folks. Over and out -- and proud.