muni-muni ng Maynila moments

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero naging sentimental ako bigla papunta dito sa Maynila ngayon. Habang tina-type ko ito, nakatambay ako sa Starbucks sa baba ng hotel na katapat ng US Embassy. Of course di ko sigurado ang upload time ko nito bilang wala namang free wifi sa Starbuko ever. Puwedeng mamaya pa pag-uwi ko o bukas na pagkagising ko. [ang nanalo: pagkauwi] Pero feel ko pa ring magsulat dahil feeling ko kaninang papunta dito, parang sasabog na ewan ang dibdib ko na di ko mawari. At tulad ng nakagawian ko dati pa, kapag may sasambulat sa katauhan ko, sa ganito ko nilalabas — sa pagsusulat.

Sta. Mesa pa lang kanina, medyo iba na ang pakiramdam ko. Di ko alam kung ano siya pero parang pinsan ng melankolya ang nararamdaman ko, na di ko rin mawari kung saan galing at mula saan siya hinuhugot. Pagbaba sa Nagtahan Bridge na una kong nadiskubre noong nagmamaneho pa ako ng isa sa mga kotse ng tatay ko noong ‘90s, nagsimula nang sumipa ang nostalgia na di ko pa rin nga mawari kung saan galing.

At pagkanan nito sa papunta ng UN Avenue dito nga sa Maynila, nagsimula nang bumaha ng mga pakiramdam at alaala na di ko alam kung bakit sila biglang bumuhos. 

Nariyang naalala ko ang dahilan kung bakit memoryang-memorya ko ang daan na ito, ang ruta mula Quezon City papuntang Maynila. Ang una kong girlfriend, ‘yung nag-aral ng law sa San Beda dati, ang nakapagpatatak sa akin sa ruta na ito. Dito siya nagmamaneho papasok sa law school dati. Unang tao siyang inibig ko sa tanang buhay ko kaya maraming maliliit na detalye sa buhay noon ang talagang tatatak sa katauhan ko, dahil nga sa ginagawa at/o dinadaanan ko sila dahil sa tulak o kabig ng pag-ibig. Kahit na, nakakatawa man, di ko na maalala pa ang ilang dahilan o detalye ng aming samahan, lalo na ng aming pag-iibigan, hindi ko pa rin malilimutan ang ilang detalyeng tumatak sa akin noong nagsasama pa kami. 

Siyempre mas nahasa sa akin ang rutang ito dahil ito rin ang ruta ko papuntang Malate, ang pugad ng maraming gabing paglalagi mula nang natauhan ako sa tunay kong pagkatao. Dito sa lumang Malate ko naramdaman na may lugar kung saan puwede kang gumala at walang gagalaw sa iyo kahit kakaiba ka sa tinaguriang “normal.” Ilang mga paglalayag din dito sa Malate ang ginawa ko noong kasagsagan ng 20s ko, na kay tapang kong magmaneho pauwi sa Quezon City matapos maging lango sa pag-inom ng bagu-bagong beer noon na San Mig Lite, na inom na lang ang nagiging kinakauwian ng sana’y landian sa kapwa babaeng di sumusubok maging mapusok. Beer ang best friend namin noon. Iyon ay kung wala kaming baong bote ng Absolut vodka sa sasakyan ko na ginagawan ng anumang concoction ng kabarkadang kapwa film major noon. 

Siyempre kung anu-anong kabulastugan at kagagawan ang naalala ko rin kasama ang barkada kong iyon, mga kasing-topak ko mula sa MassComm, mga taong di nabubuhay kung di nakakanood ng pelikula. Ilang beses din naming inikot-ikot ang Maynilang ito, para dumiskubre ng kung ano pa ang puwedeng diskubrehin dito, at kung anuman ang magpapadiskubre sa amin. Tulad ng unang beses kong nadiskubre kung gaano pala kahirap mawalan ng wallet dahil sa pagsunod-sunod (okay, stalk) sa isang magandang babaeng natipuhan ko. Na nakita ko bigla sa isang TV commercial ilang buwan ang makalipas. At ilang taon ang lilipas ay ipapakilala pala siya sa akin backstage sa isang theater production kung saan siya ang isa sa mga bida. Diyaske talaga ako magka-crush noon, sa mga sikat o sumisikat sa paglaon. Oh well papel. Memories. Walang nangyari sa amin kasi kinasal siya noon sa isang artistang lalaki. Hiwalay na sila ngayon, pero di ko na alam kung nasaan na si ati ngayon. Lesson learned: huwag ilalagay ang wallet sa back pocket kapag susubukang lumandi sa Orosa at Nakpil.

Nang nakaliko na nga ang taxi kanina sa UN Avenue proper, dito pa ako dinagsang muli ng ilan pang alaala ng lugar. Bakit nga ba ako nakakaalala ng nakaraan? Nadaanan ko ang Pius building na parang dorm, sa pagkakaalala ko, dorm ng best friend ng una kong ex na babae sa law school. Dinalaw o hinatid namin siya dito noon, at nanood pa nga yata kami ng play na gawa ng dormmates niya. Di ko sigurado. Pero sigurado ako na naalala ko rin ang isang kalye, San Marcelino ba o parang ganun, na doon naman nakatira dati ang isa kong matalik na kaibigan, kaibigang lalaking bi pero may fiancee na babae noong panahong iyon. Dito kami sa apartment nila dati sa San Marcelino o saan man tumatambay, nakiki-party kung may party. May asawa na ang fiancee niya na iyon, pero ang kaibigang bi guy ang hindi naikasal sa kanya, sa kung anumang kadahilanan. Hindi ko na inaalala pa ang kaibigang iyon ngayon pero naaalala ko ang mga kaganapang ito ng aming kabataan.

At dahil sa kabataan, ayan at naalala ko rin ang pinakabata kong naging girlfriend. Napadaan na kami ng taxi sa Assad o sa linya na iyon ng mga Indian restaurant at tindahan. Mahilig kaming pumunta dito at mag-food trip ng ex ko na iyon tuwing nagpapasama ako sa kanya sa opisina ng diyaryong pinagsusulatan ko ng column noon para kumuha ng tseke. Tapos kakain nga kami sa Indian carinderia. Tapos bibili ng anumang mapag-trip-an sa Assad na Indian products. Kaya naalala ko siya nang dumaan ako dito sa hilerang ito. 

Na ngayon ay naaalala ko rin siya, ngayong nakaupo ako sa tapat ng embahada. Birthday niya noong appointment ko para sa visa application interview dito, para pumunta sa New York para sa isang conference. Taunang malas at taunang suwertihan ang pag-approve ng US visa. Alam ng mga Pilipino iyan. Pero sabi nga ng batang ito — ang pinakabata kong naging girlfriend sa buhay ko — ay siya daw ang lucky charm ko kaya nabigyan ako ng 10 year multiple entry visa noong araw na iyon ng birthday niya, ilang taon na ang nakakaraan. Wala rin namang nangyari sa relasyon naming iyon, dala na rin kasi ng kabataan niya, na nagdulot ng mga walang kasiguraduhang aksiyon sa buhay niya. Muli, di ko na nga masyadong maalala ang mukha niya, ang hubog ng katawan niya, ang amoy ng balat niya, pero naaalala ko pa itong mga maliliit na detalye ng usapan namin sa mga lugar na ito.

Malilimutan ko rin ba ang kanto na iyan ng Orosa ba o Nakpil? Bocobo yata. Oo, Bocobo, na ang tumbok sa UN Ave ay Holiday Inn. Dati. Di ko pansin kung Holiday Inn pa rin siya ngayon. Pero naalala ko rin pala dati, sa mga panahong naglalayag ako dito dahil ang isa kong ex na abogado ay may appointment yata o anuman sa Dept. of Justice o parang ganun, na nasa malapit lang dito, tumambay muna ako sa isang Delifrance yata na katapat noon ng Holiday Inn nga sa may UN-Bocobo o parang ganung kalye. Tumatawid ako noon, dala ang backpack at mukha pa akong femme na femme, nang may Indiyanong nagtanong sa akin kung nasaan daw ba ang Holiday Inn. Natangahan ako at itinuro ko ang building sa likod niya. ‘Yun pala, iba ang dahilan. “Wanna go there with me?” Tarantadong hayup ka, sa loob-loob ko. Namimik-ap pala ang hayup. Binirahan ko nga ng layas. At saka ako tumambay sa kapihang nagpapanggap na Pranses, para hintayin ko ang ex kong may meeting noong mga oras na iyon.

Siyempre, malilimutan ko rin ba ang isang importanteng paghahabol sa Pride March ilang taon na ang nakakaraan (may dekada na nga yata) kung saan paliku-liko kami sa sasakyan niyang ako ang nagmamaneho, sumu-short cut dahil sa late na late na kami sa Pride March. Na wala siyang ganang puntahan dahil hindi naman daw siya out. Na wala siyang interes na makasama ko ang mga kaibigan kong nagmamartsa. Na wala siyang pakialam kahit importante sa akin ang mga kaibigan kong iyon dahil iilang beses pa lang naman kaming nag-martsa bilang UP Sappho Society, ang grupong kasama ako sa nagtayo. Ironic nga eh. Kung kelan namin itinayo ang out na out na grupo, at saka ako nagpakloseta, para lang makasama siya. Nang limang taon. Hanggang sa natauhan na lang ako, dahil hindi na ako makahinga sa loob. Ayoko na ng ganun. Ayoko na. Gusto kong huminga.

Parang ngayon. Gusto kong huminga. Kaya ako nagsulat. Dahil ang pagsusulat ay paghinga. Kaya narito ako ngayon, nagtitipa.

At speaking of pagtitipa, itong patambay-tambay ko na nagsusulat sa kapihan kasama ang computer, ginagawa ko rin ito kasama ang una kong ex. ‘Yung hinahatid ko nga sa law school. Naalala ko ang mga panahong nagsusulat kami sa mga kapihan, siya nag-aaral at ako ay nagsusulat ng mga obra. Diyan sa isang teatro dati, nagawi rin kami. Nag-teatro rin kasi siya, kaya kasama sa muni-muni ko ang mga araw na sinasamahan ko siyang tumambay sa Philamlife Theater. Dito rin iyon dati, sa UN Avenue nga, kasi dito tinanghal dati ang dalawang play niya, kasama sa tropa nina Anton Juan, na barkada namin noon sa UP Writers Workshop sa Baguio kung saan kami nagkakilala. Litratista at videographer tuloy ako ng mga dula. At naaalala ko ang mga panahong iyon dahil unang beses kong sumabak na kumuha ng litrato at video ng isang dula. Na nakakatuwa. Hay, ang daming alaala, sa kalyeng ito lang. Paano pa kaya sa ibang bahagi? Sa mga gusali na pati. 

Tulad niyan, isa pang nadaanan: Manila Doctors. Dati, di ko naman napapansin na may ospital pala diyan sa kanto na ‘yan malapit sa Taft. Kasi nga, rumaragasa lang ako lagi papuntang Malate o kaya’y lasing nang babalik at lahat ng madaanan ay blur na lang. Pero isang hatinggabi mga isa o magdadalawang taon ang nakakaraan, rumaragasa rin ako papunta sa ospital na ito nang dahil sa dugo. Blood bank, unang dalaw ko, sinamahan ko ang kapatid ng pinakahuli kong ex, dahil nagmamadali kaming bumili ng dugong kailangan ng ina nilang nakaratay dahil sa kanser. Na kahit ilang bag pala ang bilhin nila, nauwi rin sa pagpanaw ng ina. Sayang at di man lang ako napakilala nang husto sa ina niya noong may sakit. Sabagay, kloseta kasi iyon, pero alam kong alam naman ng nanay niya na kami. Sabi ng kapatid niya, tinanong daw ng nanay minsan kung kami nga ng ate niya. At siyempre, hanggang sa mamatay na ito, wala naman silang naisagot.

Ang labo, ‘no? Kung anu-ano ang naiisip ko, na karamihan ay nakadikit sa lovelife ko pala. Hindi ko alam kung bakit umeeksena ang Maynila nang ganito sa alaala ko, na kaakibat ng mga alaala ng pag-ibig kong nakaraan. Kung anuman ang dahilan at sumagi silang lahat sa isip ko kanina, sa ikli ng paglalakbay na iyon, ay di ko na lang muna aalamin. Basta nailabas ko sila sa dibdib ko, hanggang doon na lang muna ang akin nanamnamin.

Palagay ko, ibang uri ng pahinga ang nais ng aking kaluluwa. Kaya siguro ako kinakating umalis. Kinakati akong layasan ang Maynila ngayong taon, saglitan o pangmatagalan, di ko pa alam. Pero ang alam ko, parang kailangan ko muna siyang iwanan. Parang may kailangan pa akong ipagpag, sa malayo. At may kailangan pa akong itaktak, mula sa kaibuturan ng aking pagkatao. Na parang hinding-hindi ko magagawa kung ako ay nasa Maynila. Alam mo ‘yon? Minsan may ganung pakiramdam. Geographical cleansing. Hindi ko alam kung iyon nga ang tawag doon. Pero sa ngayon, ito lang ang nararamdaman ko.

Ayan, nailabas na. Sige, puwede na sigurong magpahinga. Saglit.

international fab, local pride

Konting work break muna for now despite the yule cold sniffles circulating here within my friends and fam networks. Bawal magkasakit mga teh! But mine's manageable so we still plod on. Timeout nga muna. 

Commercial first.

Happy to note that our local Whip It campaign for Rappler is getting international traction beybeh! Hehe happy about this, since this week's Whip It Wednesday content was a solo byline, my first for the site: "Multiple burdens: One struggle, one success for all" 

And yes, this time, they put in the "linsangan" there. My mom would be proud na. Yey.

Glad to have two good friends helping out with the interviews, superfriend K as always and pretty Jean from our kawomenan networks. Happy about the result of this.  

And then international media is picking the Pantene ad up! Some with specific mentions of our work back at Rappler, and then links to the earlier article helmed by me and a teammate. Yey!

Comme ca:

Saya lang this week hehe. 

And for more saya, last weekend naman was pride. Yung muntikan nang di matuloy, push pa rin ng mga beks! Gujab TFP. Maaasahan.

Some snippets: 

Can't stop pride! Sabi nga nina Myk sa Outrage Mag artik nila hehe. Agree beks! Good to see the old new banner parade again, in no less than Malate, our fave queer haunt of yore.

And we ended up in the Nakpil-Orosa courtyard, the site of so many queer happenings before.  Ah, twas nice to reminisce. A good part of my twentysomething fabulous self was spent here in these legendary streets. Witnessed my first Pride March here in 1997. Ano'ng dekada na??? LOLZ.

And twas nice to see old friends from the LGBTQ movement circles chenelyns of yore hehe. Ayan si Pedra Calungsod a.k.a. Mother Jessie.

 Photo op syempre ever hehe.

 Tireless pogi advocate Jonas hehe.

 Ang ilan sa mga former junakis ketch! Fab kids abound. Ipagpatuloy mga teh!

Kapatid na William transplanted from Baguio Pride March to Manila now. Hello hello welcome welcome.

 Ang mga lezziefonix katropa on Twitter and beyond! Char! Di niyo ko binigyan ng headgear wah!

Our favorite queer church peeps. Becuase they truly understand that God is not about hating. Ayaw ni Jesus nyan. MCC gospel is therefore inclusive of all, even non(practicing) Catholics/Christians like (zen-ish Buddhist-ish) moi.

 Ay teh, itaas mo ang bandera. Wagayway! Cute ni Oli dimple boy hehe.

 Si Kuya Gil ever, hehehe cute.

 Superfriend Pastora K. All the way!

 Ang Tropang Tibs ng Twitter, reprezent!

Old friend Fire. Miss ko na ka-hangout ang mare kong ito. Circa UP Sappho days pa teh! At hello kelan ire-revive ang queer arnis club natin??? Yes I wanna hit some sticks!

Longtime friend ang lurvlife philosopher-educator ko (dahil titulado siya literal sa mga larangang iyan hahaha!) Ms. Bubbles. Lafesh kami with her jowawitz and their babaylaners biyanings after.

Kilroy was here. As always.

More images pa on my FB sorry katamad ipost lahat dito hehe. Dami kasi. Dakilang coverage girl, as always. Try kong i-IG ito 'pag kaya na ng powers.

Also been doing visual snippets of my trip in Bangkok nga pala, unti-unti rin. Head over to my IG if you wanna see. Will also export that in my travel blog as soon as I've the powers to revive it na. Wait lang 'k, mahina powers ng lola.

Plus plus plus, we answer Mr. President's pag-pooh-pooh sa thought of kids growing up with queer parents. Shonga of the month, this. So we rebutt with my first POC Pinoy LGBT artik: "PNoy parenting and authentic family-building"

And also, our pride march article for POC: "Pushing for pride, march to mark"

Happy reading mga beks!

I am happy. Cornucopia overflow itey! The odds are ever in my favor. Always naman eh. Good karma rocks. 

Cuteness pays off. Lolz. Thanks sa pix N!

What is the essence of pride?

Buy me a beer and I'll tell you in 1,000 words or less.

But in Baguio.



Excited to see this one again. Skipped the one last year for reasons even international pride organizers couldn't fathom, especially those from the land of the maple leaf and mounted police. (Don't ask; buy me a beer and I'll whisper it to you. But the whole of Baguio already knows! Pfft.)

But the year before that was my first attendance of the Baguio march there. Just generally excited to see how pride is exercised there... because they do it better there. Ah, don't ask. Buy me another beer and I'll tell you for another 1,000 words. Okay, 2,000.

But we are still in tangent in some ways with some stuff down here in imperial Manila as well. At least when they *do* remember to invite people (especially longtime activists who have paved more ways for them to act that way today!). But hey, we can't always keep our hopes up, even if we are fighting for common goals but their tactics are so divisive, exclusionary, and -- dare I say it -- elitist. Ahahaha yes my darlings, that is not an oxymoron. Like what they sang in Moulin Rouge, "I only speak the truth..."



Welcome to Hypocrisy 101.

Well, maybe I am limiting myself to the university-based stuff, since that is my university and I would like to support our fellow queer members of the university student council this year. Yes, when they aren't run by extreme extreme extreme narrow-minded interpretations of dead philosophers' tenets, the USC is an okay entity. Yes, this merits another beer if you want me to expound, but this one has to come with bbq isaw.

Now you owe me a bucket of beer.

More later. But first, read how I connect LGBTQ pride with the relevance of our national hero's 150th birthday here. Worthwhile to engage in.

Later gators.

a funny kind of sad

And the soundtrack of this post is brought to you by the lyrically poignant duo from our favorite '80s musicians called Tears For Fears.

...welcome to your life/ there's no turning back...

Sometimes, the only way to cope with a stressful situation is to engage it full on, collide with it head on, like bungee jumping to conquer your fear of heights, in a manner of speaking.

So with the dreaded uber-commercial holiday that is Christmas, it's either integrate or isolate for me. Both tactics work every year, for the past decade (and more). Imagine being in a country where Christmas countdowns are done as early as September, and listening to Christmas songs extend up to January. I kid you not, folks. Try coming here in Manila to experience it. We put the jeez! in "Happy Birthday Jesus." Promise.

...acting on your best behavior/ turn your back on mother nature...

So yesterday, I was preparing myself to do the second "i" -- isolate, to just hibernate here in my cocoon I call home, but I remembered I have to see this movie sequel of a movie I so loved in my youth (review later). Plus I remembered I had to buy a few items at the mall. So the two-in-one mission pulled me out of the second "i" mode and engaged me totally with the first "i" mode - integration.

And what better way to integrate one's self in this stressful yuletide time than to go to a freaking mall. Stupid me did that - headed to the nearest SM mall here in Marikina where I was hoping to catch Tron Legacy in 3D. Alas, I came a little late so I decided to first check the department store for the items I wanted to get. And next thing you know, I gave in to getting more stuff that seemed to accumulate in my to-do list. And since I have this itch to tick off things in my to-do list immediately, haaaay... I ended up spending like 3 hours or so roaming around the mall buying the stuff I needed. Yes, perfect timing, huh. Amidst mommies running around getting gifts for their spoiled kiddies and daddies trying to convince mommies for unnecessary purchases, this queer girl was just walking around like a zombie, walking like she just didn't care, since she had her Ipod with her. And that's the trick with me, my coping -- music. Yes, I can see you, Christmas, but I can't hear youuuuuuu.

...into that void of silence / where we cry without sound...

And when I sat down to eat and journal in one of my favorite cafe corners at this mall, this music suddenly played:

and i find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying
are the best i've ever had

Yes, indeed, Roland and Curt, it's definitely a mad, mad, mad, mad world here in Manila during yuletide. Funny. A funny kind of sad, to rework your lyrics.

... high time we made a stand / and shook up the views / of the common man...

This was my view when I was sitting and journaling while waiting for my dinner to while away time before the next movie screening:



Lovely. Lights aren't uber-kill this year here. Not that I have a point of comparison. Or maybe my view obliterates the other tacky decor. Whatever. And from the photo, you would think that the mall is quiet and has less people. Wrong!

... these are the things i can do without / come on / i'm talking to you...

But one ever-reliable coping mechanism I have to combat this yuletide stress is channeling the downtown syndrome as I call it. I guess this is why I like living in a cosmopolitan place; this downtown syndrome works best in such places.

Petula Clark has this '60s hit or something, a song I really like since I was small. In a way, you can say that this is my own personal anthem:

When you're alone
And life is making you lonely,
You can always go downtown
When you've got worries,
All the noise and the hurry
Seems to help, I know, downtown

Just listen to the music
of the traffic in the city
Linger on the sidewalk
where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose?
The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles,
forget all your cares and go

Downtown, things'll be great when you're
Downtown, no finer place for sure
Downtown, everything's waiting for you

Don't hang around
And let your problems surround you
There are movie shows downtown
Maybe you know
Some little places to go to
Where they never close downtown

Just listen to the rhythm of a gentle bossanova
You'll be dancing with 'em too before the night is over
Happy again
The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles,
forget all your cares and go

Downtown where all the lights are bright,
Downtown, waiting for you tonight,
Downtown, you're gonna be alright now

And you may find somebody kind to help and understand you,
Someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to
Guide them along
So, maybe I'll see you there
We can forget all our troubles,
forget all our cares and go

Downtown, things'll be great when you're
Downtown, don't wait a minute more
Downtown, everything's waiting for you

And it was ever so poignant when Winona Ryder my love and Angelina Jolie my lust (yes, I am polyamorous that way, chos! :P) sang this in one of my favorite films of all time, Girl, Interrupted in a cute off-key tone hehe. Lavet!

they were singing to this other "inmate" friend
who was locked in isolation. man i love this scene!
photo from here.

Downtown. That's a good way of coping, especially if you're doing the integration mode thing. Listen to the rhythm of that gentle bossa nova indeed. Or in my case, the angst-ridden male singers of the '80s and '90s on my Ipod. Yes, TFF.

...you don't give me love / you give me pale shelter / you don't give me love / you give me cold hands / and i can't operate on this failure / when all i wanna be is / completely in command...

Don't ask me why I don't like Christmas so much. That is a long one. But aside from the obvious reasons -- crass commercialism and the forced-togetherness-rammed-down-your-throat-media-messages -- it's also about one ritual I don't give a damn about already. Sure, celebrate the birth of Christ but then, not everybody does, so why do we all have to celebrate it? Respect for those who don't follow this organized religion, please. I just want this season to pass without being reminded that He will come to Save Me and Redeem Me and all that jazz. Sorry agnostic girl speaking. Catholic school girl angst flashback mode.

... my features form with a change in the weather...

Hay, I can go on and on about this. But really, I just want a quiet space to be in, at this time of the year. So I guess I'll go into that isolation mode now, here in my cocoon I call home. Yes, I bah humbug, but I don't limit those who want to celebrate this season in full bloom. So I still accept gifts and greetings from well-meaning friends, acquaintances and relatives nonetheless. I could be a scrooge but I'm not totally cynically cold-hearted that way.

And that was one thing I like this year. Maybe some friends, as we all grow old gracefully, come to terms with lots of things in their lives, in our intertwined and tangential lives, that they send messages and feelers that, after all these years, they care, and they're there. For you. With you. This took me by surprise this year. A pleasant surprise at that, though.

... soon we will be older / when we gonna make it work?...

I was so touched with this small, simple yet touching gift this college friend of mine gave me. It had this personal touch of a letter only to me, and it was full of thoughts I never knew she thought of about our friendship. But I am so glad to hear it still, of course. After all these years, you never know how you affect other people, you never know how you are valued as a friend. So touched, grabe. I heart my friends so much.

Of course, the feeling is mutual. I value them as much as they value me. I am fiercely loyal like that. Taurean trait. Like my tagline in this blog says, I'm just one of two things in people's lives: either I'm your best friend or your worst enemy. And people know, and have experienced, being on both sides. I still abide by this tag, even if I've lost a few good friends along the way. Sans regret. No day but today, as they sang in Rent. People come and people go.

...kick out the style / bring back the jam / sowing the seeds of love...

And even if they know that I am not such a gift-giver this season, they still give me gifts. Universe bless them. Two friends gave me books this year. One has been doing that ever since anyway, and I value it so much. Also, I received lots of chocolates, mostly from colleagues. Hm. Will give that away to kids maybe, as I'm beginning to dislike chocolate this year. Yes, that's another story. I don't know. Maybe some other time.

... we've got the whole wide world in our hands...

Well, I don't know where this post is heading now, but I guess it's my own weird way of greeting all of you. Regardless. Yeah, I'm weird that way. Anyway, signing off now. Back after the big shebang. You can listen to us later at our Cine Chichirya radio show at 6pm, all about Christmas movies and why they are crafted the way they are. And hehe I love it that two out of three of your radio hosts dislike Christmas hahaha. Just listen to discover who, aside from me. That's on DZUP 1602am band if you're in Manila and via dzup.org / dilc.upd.edu.ph live streaming if you're out of town or the country.

Anyway, HOP-PY HOLEY DAZE folks. Don't get heartburn. Eat/drink moderately.

life as we know it

kanina pa ako nakamasid sa langit dahil inaabangan ko ang pagguhit ng kidlat sa itim na kalawakan nito habang paminsan-minsan, nagpaparamdam din ang kulog.

nagtataka rin ako kung bakit umuulan kahit na narinig ko kay ivan mayrina kanina na may ITCZ (sabi sa gfx mapa niya) sa may bandang mindanao (pero bakit dito ang patak?).

gusto ko sanang magreklamo pero bigla kong binawi nang maramdaman ko ang halimuyak ng hanging dumampi sa aking balat nang humarap ako sa bintana. nalimutan ko na na gusto ko nga pala ang pakiramdam nito, na sa panandaliang sandali ay napapayapa ang kalooban mo dahil may yumakap sa iyong pakiramdam na nais mo. inaasam ko na ngayon na sana, marami-rami pang dumampi at yumakap sa akin para mas mapayapa ko pa ang pakiramdam sa loob ko...

pero dahil sa mahirap umasa sa wala o sa di sigurado, babalik na lang tayo sa ating mga nakaugaliang gawain at panandaliang pagtakas sa pagtatanong at pangungutya ng sarili sa sarili.

*

if you knew what i listen to, would you get clues of who i am?

my top 10 favorite songs of all time, in order:

1. downtown by petula clark
2. moonriver (composed by henry mancini, as sung by audrey hepburn in the film BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S)
3. time after time (the tuck and patti version)
4. don't dream it's over (the sixpence none the richer version)
5. winter by tori amos
6. tomorrow (as sung in the musical film ANNIE)
7. selling the drama by live
8. princes familiar by alanis morissette
9. iris by the googoo dolls
10. somewhere over the rainbow (as sung by judy garland in the film WIZARD OF OZ)


go ahead, deconstruct. analyze. theorize. get some pointers.

we need it. bad.

or maybe it's just me...

what's your top ten? does it reflect who you are?

*

i've been running around the metro, all over, since last week and this week will be continuing that endeavor. lunch here, lunch there, meeting here, meeting there. it doesn't end.

with all this running, i've learned how to deal with public transportation with some kind of zen approach. no sense getting frustrated. it helps if you have a vast ocean of patience to dip into at times like these, like traffic, unwanted chitchats from seatmates, or bad weather.

but sometimes, it feels as if that ocean is shrinking into a sea, and right now, it feels like it is just a puny river. maybe that's why this soul is yearning to stretch to other limits. should i let it? we will see. i remembered wanting to try bikram yoga a few years back. i forget why i chose not to. maybe my inner self needs to stretch. bad.

the soul is also yearning to fly. shall we? bangkok sounds about right at this time but i'd settle for baguio anytime. but why? i have to be sure of the motivation first before i do anything, really. the beach is also beckoning. but i could settle for the pool, anytime.

sometimes, it doesn't pay to think. think too much. woe is moi.

woe is moi.

*

people make funny quotes.

last saturday, i was a speaker in a special event in the metro. when i was introduced to the speaker before me, she smiled and beamed, shook my hand and said, "Wow, you're famous!"

reaction shot: HUH???

apparently, to this group, i have some sort of stature. go figure. things that make you go hmmmm...

this afternoon, as i was looking for a dvd of a film i wanted to watch since last year, i overheard the seller talking to a clueless customer.

seller: eto ser maganda, o. mga giyera-giyera iyan, parang historical ba.
me: (thought balloon) wow may komentaryo si ati...
seller: eto naman ser, mga tomboy sila, pero naging babae rin sa huli...
me: *tumaas muna kilay at tenga* (thought balloon) anoyun? asanyun? anoyun? akinnalang...

*

make contact. if not, it's an awful waste of space.

because mrs. dalloway said she will buy the flowers herself.

*

and this blogthing said of me:

You're 6:49 a.m.

You're the time of day right around sunrise, when the sky is still a pale bluish gray. The streets are empty, and the grass and leaves are a little bit sparkly with dew. You are the sound of a few chirpy birds outside the window. You are quiet, peaceful, and contemplative. If you move slowly, it's not because you're lazy ? it's because you know there's no reason to rush. You move like a relaxed cat, pausing for deep stretches that make your muscles feel alive. You are long sips of tea or coffee (out of a mug that's held with both hands) that slowly warm your insides just as the sun is brightening the sky.

yes, lately it feels as if i am morning personified. but the logic as to why still eludes me.

but the description i agree with.

see, i need stretching.

so stretch.

a nice nightcap

it's been a while since i saw a live music performance at a bar that serves liquor. of course, been patronizing our very own friday film bar event only if i like the film and/or the musician involved for the night. tonight, or most proper last night, was a film i wanted to catch, TODO TODO TERROS and capped by the music of cynthia alexander. since her third gig for that night was at 70s bistro, i decided to hang out with the gang there na lang because i live like 30 seconds away from the place. figured i might need the nightcap, and it's near, so it's cool. at saka sabi nga ni teta, pambawi sa last time i caught her there because i arrived like last 4 songs na kaya di ko na sila na-enjoy. tama nga naman.

so here i am.

and it was a nice nightcap indeed. earlier, she sang nice tunes at the film bar but most of them rather made me feel like weeping. i don't know why. well, i know why but of course i'm not sharing with y'all hehe. well, whatever. basta, i got the blues this month and it ain't about jazz, baby. no sirree it ain't. oh well...

so it was a nice nightcap because after a long time of wanting to sample bistro's superb lengua dish again, i got to listen to some cool tunes while downing some affordable liquor at last! too bad cynth's gigs are always no smoking fares kaya suffer ako kanina hahahaha. oh well... bawi na lang tomorrow.

and the bistro gig was happier because the tabla guy was there! she has this indian dude who plays tabla kasi, and he's always there at the bistro gigs kaya talagang ako pumili ng front row seat para clear view of him ang aking perspective. i've always wanted to try to play that instrument kasi. kasi unlike the djembes or bongos na heavy sa palm work, mas hapi sa akin ang tabla kasi more of finger work. e mas sanay ako sa finger work kasi if ever i play skin perks. hm, i dunno why, pero baka my being a lesbian has something to do with that heheheh but i digress...

anyway, it was a nice set. kahit cynth was kinda sleepy na, nabuhayan after midnight. she sang covers na nice to hear after all this time, especially hearing joni mitchell's "both sides now" played with tabla! wahaaaa that was something! and we goaded her to play indigo girls' "ghost" we being me, teta and beng. some girl from the audience sang with her and that was cool. then their rendition of the om shanti song was also ethereal but with drums, thanks to budeths who made an appearance. hm, na-overshadow lang niya si tabla dude kaya well... whatever...

also heard two cynthia songs i like ever since, na tagal ko nang di narinig kaya nagfa-flashback ako when i heard them kanina: "insomnia" and "hello baby." wow grabe lang sa flashback yung hello baby... reminded me of days when i was...i dunno, braver, i guess... and more gutless, but super sappy. hahah go figure. basta.

well, the liquor also helped so that rather completes the night cap for me...

so we're good. for now. i hope tomorrow would bring better tidings.

ciao.


ps buti na lang walang undesirables na nakita kanina hahahaha yun lang worry ko lagi sa gigs ni cynth, except for... hahaha bad chord progression? or maybe bad poetry for us hahaha... not to mention... hay naku bailar bailar ka jan... hahahaha. kakaiba.

chos.


as i said, some people never learn. and some people never learn the difference.


for sure!

deal breakers

attention university of the philippines diliman smokers!!!!

my former teacher who works at the registrar's office just told me that peyups is about to unleash a new university-wide ordinance that will again signify that the university is taking a few dozen steps back into the dark ages.

after banning alcohol in the campus (the one that comes in bottles as hard or soft), they are now going to enforce daw the no smoking ordinance chenes anytime soon. which means no more yosi breaks anywhere in the campus. in effect na naman ito in several areas, like bawal na sa loob ng enclosed airconditioned rooms and such places. pero now, even in the freaking parking lot iba-ban na daw. pati daw mga kotseng napapadaan lang sa campus that happened to have a smoker smoking inside the moving vehicle will be banned. what the fuck di ba? labo kaya nun. imagine being stopped by security like this : "bos, bawal pasok UP kung di mo patayin sigarilyo." labo.

again, when i heard this, like when i first heard that alcohol is banned on campus, napabulalas ako ng "huwaaat? kelan pa tayo naging ateneo?" not to offend our jesuit-trained friends but hey, at least doon kasi may grounds kung bakit may such bans sa mga vice products like alcohol and yosi. even miriam already did that and it was quite a struggle there as narrated before by ms gigi francisco. the truly feminist ones of that school indeed put up a fight! pero wala rin, the "cleaner" people won and when we were in miriam for a meeting before, we had to walk more than a hundred steps towards a small patch of land with a small tent thing near the creek place designated as the only smoking area of that campus. ang labo. i asked if peyups will implement the same thing, put up tents and designated smoking areas and such, and my teacher is not yet knowledgeable about the details of the fine print. shit hits the fan itish!!!

well, let me tell you, that just sucks. i mean, thanks for being concerned about people's health and all, but the point of being people is just that: we are free to choose whatever the hell we want to do, buy, eat, drink and all so long as we are not directly harming people in any way. but outright banning? man, that's just the pits. para siyang censorship during the time of the dictatorship. bawal kahit ano, lalo na kritisismo. labo.

sa upfi na lang where i work, deds na kapag may ganyang chorva. like our meetings and even thesis defense comes to a halt when majority of the faculty decides to have a yosi break, and of course we allow ourselves that, as a release and break from the work and all. hey, it's not like we're smoking marijuana or anything like that di ba? ewan. labo. sabi ko nga kay mam heidi who told me, malaking away itoooooooo. tignan na lang natin how cao will handle this one! faculty una niyang kaaway dito patay siya hahahahahah! tabako pa naman tinitira ng iba riyan. hay nakuh.. hm man, speaking of that, i miss my panatelas... makabili nga.

this smoking thing came to my mind because i was watching the season2 rerun of sex and the city earlier and the ep was the one where carrie first meets aidan and she tries to switch off smoking just because he hates smokers. something like that. sabi nga niya, how much was she willing to trade off or sacrifice for a cigarette. pero tama rin naman siya e. dapat people will accept you no matter who you are, and you just do minor alterations to fit each other's lives in a relationship. to demand for a wardrobe overhaul would be criminal. that means you went into a relationship and wanted to control your partner's everything to suit your own thing. now that is just not sound, just and correct.

sabi nga ni billy joel "don't go changing to try to please me...i love you just the way you are." now if some person told you that, how much of that is true kaya? i've seen friends do 180 degree turns just to please their mates. i, for one, used to do that in the past but thank goddess i snapped out of it. if you meet somebody whom you think you could be with but they demand so many changes from you that you won't even recognize your own self once they are done with you, man, better get the hell outta there. some friends naman were just so dying to be changed that they welcome this kind of overhaul 100 percent. again, to each their own, man. to each their own.

sometimes in order to fit into a beloved's beliefs, you change your own to suit his or hers. perhaps we could chalk it up to symbiosis, but if it becomes too much that you lose your identity, now that's just plain weird. are you willing to do that? if you ask me, after 4 major relationships in this lifetime, no. clarification: not anymore. yes, folks, i was once a sap. too much of a sap, to be exact, that's why i am doing my own overhaul. i owe my intelligence that.

i've always gone by the rent credo of "i'm looking for baggage that goes with mine" because you really cannot separate people from their past, let alone their baggage, no matter how hard they pose the opposite. but if you seek to help your partner with their baggage and attack you for it, man, that's just weird, di ba? labo nun pero i've seen many friends attacked by their mates because of that. same here.

my friends and i have been talking before about this, na ano nga ba ang deal breakers namin when it comes to relationships. iba iba ang sagot diyan, siyempre depende sa mga current nilang kasama o mga nakasama na nila before. i know jealousy is one, lack of honesty and trust is another, and of course who could ever forget non-attentiveness of the other's concerns? or downplaying other's concerns as if theirs is more important than yours. like i had this ex whom i wanted to make damay sa akin regarding a family problem, concerning my mom pa no less, and all she did was dismiss me needlessly and said that more destitute and poorer people in the philippines have bigger problems than me because these people don't have their own houses and their lands are being snatched away from under their noses blah. which got me thinking, na hey, wala rin naman akong sariling bahay a (at that time) so what the fuck? but hey, you know what happened to that relationship. i was really glad i got out of that zombie mode.

so if i find myself treading on familiar grounds again, perhaps it's time to just up and leave, right? maybe. well, let's see how much of a deal breaker this is, because it is sounding to be like one...

sad.

that's why i never believe in soulmates. my friend teta once asked us that before, what we think of that concept. i said i believed no one person has one soulmate, for i believe people have chunks of one soul embedded in them, and it's just about finding the biggest chunk of the same soul in a person. kaya it's possible they could relate to more than one person because more than one came from the same soul, or they share the same soul fragments. something like that. kaya wala yung concept na "she's the one" blah for me. if you find someone sharing the same chunk of soul with you, no matter how big or small the chunk is, it's up to you two to work things out if you belong to each other for a long time or a short time only. then you move on. kaya dapat open tayo lagi sa moving on phase and we shouldn't be stuck with the "waaah it didn't work" stage, whether moving on means finding another person or enhancing your own persona -- but i prefer the latter, actually.

pessimist as it may sound but there will always be more people who will break the deal for you rather than make the deal. that's why we shouldn't be so closeminded about meeting new people or being with other people. dapat bukas tayo sa ganung posibilidad. saka dapat lagi ang bottomline dito e improvement of one's self, kasi yan naman talaga ang tunay na bottomline, kahit ano pa man ang deal na ma-break ninuman.

pastime to exorcise a green-eyed monster

two days or two hours of no communication could either relieve you or drive you nuts.

it drives me nuts.

numbers don't matter. two minutes? two hours... two days! yes, i punctuate it like that. but it's not the same for us all. people punctuate differently when (im)properly motivated. to each their own.

panic attacks. it's common. insecurity fuels panic, and uncalled for scenarios build up in your mind. and unnecessary feelings surface to add more to the already existing surface tension. so unnecessary emotions build up. why oh why do we have to have habits of conjuring up ghosts to scare only ourselves? this is a human habit i have long wondered about. strangeness... to the max.

let me get rid of it. now na.

*

been enjoying my pack of sampoerna menthol lights, a pasalubong from my friend ging who came from bangkok where we usually get this brand. made by the same manufacturers of gudang garam, my usual brand, only better and finer and smoother.

made contact with this brand some years back, when my former malaysian boss went home for a vacation and came back with goodies in tow. that's the life in women NGOs, we share lots of stuff. and she has this habit of bringing pasalubong to everyone from her travels like all of us. it's the culture of sisterhood, i guess -- to share. and my house houses an eclectic collection of asian and western knick-knacks to prove it.

i was new then in the org, and she asked if i smoked, and said yes, and so she pulled out a pack of reds sampoerna, and i was hooked. but my palette looked for the comfort of menthol, so happy was i when i stumbled upon this specificity in one of my earlier bangkok travels. and i just had to buy one ream, man. sarap e.

nice to enjoy this again, here, now, during this time. i feel better now.

and yes, it's not an awful waste of space anymore. she made contact na.

silly praning me...

*

but wait. i hope this doesn't mean dependence. or interdependence. i am so shunning that concept. yes, this is a new social experiment. live day to day, one day at a time, and cherish every hour, and regret no bad hour passed. whatever.

*

i am saddened by some sisters' fate in the love department lately. near or far from me, relationships crumble just like that. but such is the fate of relationships nowadays. like job security, love security doesn't exist anymore. and in this day and age of multi-whatever (-tasking, -media etc), it's faster to move on. the question is, are you/we willing to move on as quickly? i hope you all are.

i feel for you gals. tomorrow will be a better day. trust me. you know that already. just one word: enact.

(((((((hugs from the leaflens))))))))

semisonic's adage still holds. every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

and we all know it.

*

segue.

got a taste of the university council meeting earlier where i joined as salingpusa. you could only join that if you already have the rank of assistant prof and above. so my instructor ass was hauled there by the dean and our director because, "unranked" as i was, i was indeed the "major author" of the curriculum revisions of my department/institute (meaning i was the major arse who culled their comments, made further studies and penned the drafts). which means it's a big deal for those in the academic circles. never did i realize its gravity until it was pointed out to me by colleagues and friends like wendell the assoc dean of cal who kept on raving about it to our fellow writer colleagues in a recent book launch (to my chagrin. who could remain anonymous in events like that if he raves like that? but his heart is in the right place so we forgive him). and yes, this from the same gay guy who ranted before that i could give angel aquino a run for her modeling money because of my very femme-y looks some one decade ako when we first met (when i was looking like a walking ad for a shampoo commercial then, yes). yeah i fooled a lot of people back then when i was/am in my "passing hetero" mode. but i digress.

so the UC meeting was so boring and full of people who are full of it. and i couldn't believe how some of them could be so plugged up their arses that i wondered if i would ever suffer the same fate if i stayed on for a decade more in this university teaching. i just couldn't believe that these people who taught/teaches the future of the country could be so stuck in the prejudices and bigotries of the(ir) past. like mr. kontra made lots of kontra about queer cinema kanina. and just hear the smirks and snickers when he started talking about the term queer. i could not believe that some of these arses have buttplugs so stuck up way way way up theirs that they would react that way. contrary to the virginia slims ad, we haven't gone a long way yet, baby. and what, it's the centennial celebs next year, right? hah.

sad. so sad.

kaya pala you never see the innovative teachers in that meeting. or in any other meeting like that, for that matter. they're out there busying themselves with finding the right teaching tools, finetuning their alternative teaching skills, researching about their more innovative teaching methods, all that self-improvement schtick. ang mga uma-attend ng mga meeting na yan ay karamihan mga naaagnas na sa unibersidad na di na lumalabas sa totoong mundo para mahawakan at maramdaman ang totoong buhay, na stuck na sa insecurities nila na kahit napakarami na nilang nakamit sa buhay ay insecure pa rin sa kalagayan nila sa buhay. sad. so so sad. super sad.

but i'm confident i'm not headed towards that direction. a lot of us young faculty still have the sense to involve ourselves in our multiple lives outside of the university. and i do mean multiple -- from the jobs to the rakets to the personal arts/advocacy/business involvements down to our multiple love lives / orgasms, we are just soooo out there. unlike these old farts, we are more concerned with what our students would learn rather than what our department would look like/project outside/within the university. quality not quantity, substance not image. no, we're not after image. we're after content. in this university of contradictions, i am discovering new things to be sad about and old things to be proud of. hope to find more of the latter. as in. now na. need it bad. as in. you have no idea.

*

cute nito no. the movie in my mind as i muni-muni this: STAND AND DELIVER starring subic-born texas-raised lou diamond phillips. na siguro ang tunay na pangalan e luis diamante. iningglis lang.

but i'd rather be pretty and spunky michelle pfeiffer in DANGEROUS MINDS. and i can rap the theme song pa of that movie! hehe. what can i say? i love old school rap. don't give me none of that materialistic misogynist hiphop shit. rap is it, baby. rap is it. good ol' fashioned beats with rhymes that comment on social issues that affect the personal and influence the political.

word up.