misteryo ng mantsa

Kaninang naghuhugas ako ng pinggan at iba pang gamit pang-kusinang nasa lababo, nahirapan akong alisin ang mantsa sa metal tray ng oven toaster dahil sa nanikit na ito, 'yung sunog na parte ng karneng pinainit ko na dumikit at naiwan doon. Kaya kahit ilang pahid na ng "makabagong" dishwashing liquid ay hindi agad ito naaalis. Nakaka-ilang pasada na rin ako, sabay pasada sa iba pang kailangang hugasan, pero unti-unti lang natatanggal ang nanikit na mantsa. 

Dahil sa ang lalagyan ko ng sponge ay may natirang nanikit na sabong bareta sa gilid niya, naisip kong kayurin ang natitirang "makalumang" panghugas na ito ng pinggan, baka sakaling bumigay ang mantsa. At oo nga, sa mas kaunting pasada, naalis na sa wakas ang ilang beses ko nang pinasadahang mantsa ng tray. Malinis na itong muli.

Sa paghuhugas kanina, hindi ako ako kung wala akong maikokonektang muni-muni sa mga maliliit na bagay na ito, mga bagay na hindi naman talaga maliit kung tutuusin mo. Pero saka na iyon.

Nabuksan kasi kahapon ang isang lumang mantsa na ang akala ko'y natanggal na ng anumang ginamit kong pampasada dito. Naisip ko lang: kung ang mga pinggan ay may dishwashing liquid na puwedeng magtanggal ng mansta nito, ano kaya ang dishwashing liquid ng buhay na puwedeng magtanggal ng mantsa sa iyong pagkatao?

Tao ka pa ba kapag wala ka nang mantsa? Marahil, oo. Pero mas tao ka kung may mga mantsa ka.

Sa isang usapan ng pagkikita ng mga dating kaibigan bukas, nabanggit ng isa sa kanila ang isang mantsa kong akala ko'y matagal ko nang naalis: ang sakit ng betrayal ng isang natatanging kaibigan noong kolehiyo. Kinukumusta daw kasi ako ng kaibigang ito, at nagmungkahi ang kausap ko na isama ito sa kitakits bukas. Na siyempre ay tahasang tinutulan ko. Tinanong ako kung "ready na ba ako" na makita ang ex-friend na ito dati. Sa isang sadyang pagkikita, hindi ito usapin kung ready ako o hindi. Ang dapat na tanong dito ay: gugustuhin ko bang makitang muli ang isang kaibigang tinuring kong kapamilya ko, chosen family 'ika nga namin sa LGBTQ community, na betrayal naman ang sinukli sa akin sa ilang taong pagsasalba ko sa kanya, pagpoprotekta, pagtatanggol kahit siya ang nasa mali, dahil lang sa kapamilya ko siyang tinuring?

Matagal ko nang kinalimutan ito. Sumaya na in leaps ang bounds ang buhay ko matapos ang episode naming iyon. Nagkaroon na ako ng iba pang miyembro sa chosen family ko ngayon. Sa isang dekada halos na di pagkikita at walang komunikasyon, alam kong alam niyang malaki ang mantsang naidulot niya sa buhay ko noon. Na kahit ilang beses kong hugasan, nariyan at nariyan pa rin siya, nagmarka. Kaya over the years, natuto na lang akong isuot ang buhay na may mantsang kaakibat. Ganyan naman talaga kasi ang buhay. Kung giyera ito, battle scars ang tawag diyan. Diyosa lang ang taong walang battle scars sa buhay at mantsa sa pagkatao. Diyosa lang.

Pero dahil hindi tayo diyosa, nakakapag-move on naman tayo. Kahit nakalimutan mo na ang mga kaganapan noon, kahit ibinaon mo na ang sakit na naidulot sa iyo ng negatibong pangyayaring iyon, kahit na pinatawad at pinilit mo nang intindihin kung bakit nila nagawa ang nagawa nila sa iyo, sa paglaon ay may panaka-nakang alaalang sisipa sa iyo para awtomatikong itaas ang pader ng buhay mo para makaiwas sa baka-dumating na muling-delubyo. You learn from things, you carry the lessons, and you don't forget the consequences.  Yes, sometimes past hurts come back like they just happened yesterday. I feel this way whenever I get hurt by someone I truly cared for in my life. Especially people I deemed as my chosen family. 

Kaya no matter how I want to be zen about this and all that jazz, there really are some things that you can't easily meditate out of your system, in a snap. It has been nearly a decade, yes, and it has dissipated. But see, there's still a stain. Stain. Ang pangit pakinggan sa Inggles. "Blemishes" ang definition niya, parang tinaghiyawat ka lang at may naiwang scar na ikinapangit mo. Or maybe ikinaganda kung mahilig ka sa skin decorations and you treat flaws as design. Funny naman ang definition ng "mantsa" sa Tagalog wikipedia: 

"Ang mantsa ay mga duming-dungis sa anumang bagay tulad ng mga damit at tela, na karaniwang mahirap alisin kahit labhan, hugasan o punasan man."

Mas poetic in Filipino, no? Duming-dungis. 

Ang duming-dungis ko ay hindi na madumi, at hindi na rin madungis. Pero may bahid lang na naiwan, katiting. Tanggap ko nang kahit ikula ko pa ito, wala na itong pag-asa. 

Minsan, sa naging trato din sa akin ng tao, mahirap ding maghanap ng pag-asa, lalo na ng pag-asang itatrato ka nila nang mas mainam sa susunod. Matapos kang mantsahan, matapos nilang palipasin ang panahon, hindi ko na inaasahang kikilos sila para magkula. Sadyang ganyan lang talaga yata ang buhay. Sabi nga ng tatay at nanay ko noong iniyakan ko sila sa mga kaganapang ito nang mamantsahan ako noon, "Humanap ka na lang ng ibang kaibigan, anak."

At iyon nga ang nangyari. Hindi ko sinadyang humanap, pero ang kalawakan ang nagbibigay sa akin ng daan para mahanap ko ang mga nilalang na hindi basta-basta magbibigay sa iyo ng mantsa. And yes, to the universe, I am eternally grateful for that faith-in-friendship reboot. 

As for having faith that old friends will resurface and dust off what needs to be dusted off, I'll have none of that. In this life, I've learned that some people in your past would be better off to remain in the past. It's not about having second chances also. Because once you're scarred, then you're scarred. Would you let another scar happen? I guess it's also pretty simple: If I can choose my chosen family, then I can un-choose them, too. Because all this time, the one that I should have chosen -- and should always choose -- is me. 

I choose to live a life free from people who drag me down. 

I choose to live a life free from other people's baggage weighing down on me.

I choose to live a life full of people who also chose me.

I choose to live a life full of people who try to understand my shortcomings and celebrate my strengths.

That's how I choose.

I'm a Taurean so I have this tendency to wallow in things a little bit longer than some. I'd like to believe that I've wallowed enough on this past hurt for years and I'm only emerging from shaking it off my system. Yes, not totally, for there will always be that scar, that stain, 'yung mantsa sa pagkatao, pero hindi naman na ako dapat magpaapekto dito, as much as I can. Pero nakakagulat lang sa akin na parang apektado pa rin ako nang bumulalas ito kahapon. Marahil nga, dahil sa malalim ang pinag-uugatan nito, may mga natitira-tira pang talahib na kailangang tabasin. Lalo na't dahil nga sa pinili ko ang mga taong ito na miyembro ng pamilya kong tinuring.

Well, I'd also like to believe that I'm choosing better, that I've chosen better na, eventually. 

Naalala ko tuloy 'yung opening monologue ni Ewan McGregor sa Trainspotting:

No, I didn't choose heroin naman, mga teh. I chose to be the heroine of my life. O di ba. How about that? #sinopawitty

But I guess, in a way, I did choose a drug, things I got addicted to, in a manner of speaking, which eventually got a hold of me but in some circumstances, I was able to wiggle out my way. 

We all have varying addictions: I chose blind friendships in my twenties. I chose unsupportive relationships in my thirties. But during the late thirties and now I'm in my forties, I'm choosing self-improvement. Always. Some philosopher once said that religion is the opium of the masses. My new addiction is being zen about life. Same same?

*

I know there's also another thing I have to shake off in this new "Life Rewrites at 40: Zen and the Art of Self-Improvement and Self-Maintenance" edition: my tendency to be impatient with lower life forms, or people who have lower tolerance for diversity. I have to learn more how to retreat early when I see it's a losing battle. I should brush up on my Sun Tzu mode, because The Art of War is so much alive in this digital age we call the global village. Dahil gustuhin ko man o hindi, may peste pa ring mga kapitbahay.

And overcoming little hurts from little people whom I chose to be part of my chosen family. Yes, these two I could meditate out of my system. Just give me time. And no, this will not linger on like the lengthy example above. Because this time, there's no stain. I know this for a fact. Because I've finally found the dishwashing liquid of my life.

Meron naman pala. Andiyan siya sa tabi-tabi, katabi ko sa gabi.

Because when the universe conspires, 

the path clears up to your true destination. 

Never lose sight of your genuine way. 

(April 2015 Bencab Museum, Baguio City)

The profoundest of things you find in the most banal of chores. Story of my life. Mindfulness galore. 

And now, I have to choose work.

Later, universe. And thanks.

Missed!

Wah! I'm genuinely sad that I missed/am missing this event like right now!

Ang saya nito last year. Imagine we were in the middle of a typhoon and yet the LGBTQness of Baguio City and beyond were there to partay! And march kahit may rains. At kaming mga queerness peeps sa Manila ay gumora naman regardless. Hey, no weather will stop pride!

So waaah sayang at di ako nakadalo nito this year. Maraming chuvaloo at eklavu kasi currently in terms of my professional and personal lives kaya witekla muna join-join lola mo ditich. Next time my beloved Baguio peeps! Miss ko na rin kayo.

Pero mas miss ko ang misis ko hehe. Kaya eskapo mode muna lola mo. Kasi darating na siya. :)

Alam na! ;)

wanna get hitched?

Then go to New York and avoid Baguio. Oh well.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my latest POC Pinoy LGBT channel article entitled Marriage (inequality): start spreading the news. Crazy intersection of same-sex marriage news, all in one June pride weekend.

Man I miss New York...

lost kuning-kuning in Times Square (March 2010 photo by x)

And Baguio...

inside Camp John Hay (April 2011 photo by superfriend L)

Haha I didn't realize I had one picture that places me on both spots at the same time pala!

Wearing my I heart NY shirt inside Cafe By The Ruins. Thanks for the photo, love. :)

Ayus!

What is the essence of pride?

Buy me a beer and I'll tell you in 1,000 words or less.

But in Baguio.



Excited to see this one again. Skipped the one last year for reasons even international pride organizers couldn't fathom, especially those from the land of the maple leaf and mounted police. (Don't ask; buy me a beer and I'll whisper it to you. But the whole of Baguio already knows! Pfft.)

But the year before that was my first attendance of the Baguio march there. Just generally excited to see how pride is exercised there... because they do it better there. Ah, don't ask. Buy me another beer and I'll tell you for another 1,000 words. Okay, 2,000.

But we are still in tangent in some ways with some stuff down here in imperial Manila as well. At least when they *do* remember to invite people (especially longtime activists who have paved more ways for them to act that way today!). But hey, we can't always keep our hopes up, even if we are fighting for common goals but their tactics are so divisive, exclusionary, and -- dare I say it -- elitist. Ahahaha yes my darlings, that is not an oxymoron. Like what they sang in Moulin Rouge, "I only speak the truth..."



Welcome to Hypocrisy 101.

Well, maybe I am limiting myself to the university-based stuff, since that is my university and I would like to support our fellow queer members of the university student council this year. Yes, when they aren't run by extreme extreme extreme narrow-minded interpretations of dead philosophers' tenets, the USC is an okay entity. Yes, this merits another beer if you want me to expound, but this one has to come with bbq isaw.

Now you owe me a bucket of beer.

More later. But first, read how I connect LGBTQ pride with the relevance of our national hero's 150th birthday here. Worthwhile to engage in.

Later gators.

technoranti + spidermush

and i thought i could turn in early earlier, feeling a bit sleepy already by 1030ish pm (and that's still early in my nocturnal creature book) and i actually fell asleep na despite of the freaking heat, only to be awakened by text messages of little or no import past midnight. arrrrrrrr!

sometimes i really want to turn off technology, just for a while, to experience life as it is, here and now, to just get in touch with nature and with someone by natural means. but i think that's really hard to accomplish in this day and age, especially in techno-crazy manila, where most people carry a cellphone and a digital camera while the rest carry laptops and work on wifi mode and stuff like that. with all the static going in in our stratosphere, i'm not surprised if new diseases get invented every other day. i swear i can already feel a different kind of migraine whenever i go out to an area where people text and wifi to death. haaaay.

that's why living in a semi-cosmopolitan place seems like a good idea to me now, somewhere where there's still an active city-center/s and quite bucolic remote areas that offer fresh air to breathe and frequency-free atmosphere, not to mention an abundant supply of healthy semi-vegetarian food. wow. that would rejuvinate my skin and my health problems ano, not to mention finally exorcise my asthma out of me, even my sinusitis problem. the best yun if ever.

kaya nga migrating to baguio is not a farfetched idea for me. the cooler climate would really be great, only if i didn't stay in the tourist areas. grabe rin pollution rate doon ha; think of it as being trapped inside an airconditioned room where people smoke inside! yep, that's the effect. pero kung sa gilid-gilid doon e puwede na. masarap pang magsulat sa cooler climate. the best. tapos andaming gulay sa palengke, di ba? yum. hm...

yeah, not a bad idea after all...

*

finally succumbed to the lure of blockbuster film viewing earlier, of course with me mum, ang forever date ko sa movies like this. syempre, dahil may ridiculous monopolya ng isang pelikula ngayon, iyon lang ang napanood namin. SPIDERMUSH este SPIDERMAN pala.

third installment of the franchise. may fourth pa ba? sana after twenty years na lang. e bakit yung DIE HARD, o, may 4th movie na now, e yung una nito e alam ko late 80s yata or early 90s. pare ayos.

ewan ko ba why this third film doesn't totally fly for me. para kasing madrama masyado. too many people crying for all sentimental reasons you can think of: a love lost through jealousy and self-sacrifice, crying over the remembrance of a dead loved one, a parent trying to acquire money at all costs just to keep his child healthy, a mother frustrated about a husband's ways, a son discovering his unimportance to his father and his being blinded by revenge for honor, a frustrated artist losing the limelight, best friends turning enemies turning friends again, the death of a friend, the humbling of a fraud and his realization of it, revenge for the deeath of a loved one...sankapa!!! andito na lahat! kulang na lang may mag-out at bugbugin ng tatay para umiyak, and yun na!

cheap lang sana itong pelikula gawin e, kaya lang masyadong ambitious at maarte ang rendering ng special effects niya, kaya ganun. pero winner sa akin ang buhangin tao effect nung kalaban. ayuz. actually, yun lang naman ang spectacular--well, di p anga ganun ka-spectacular in that sense--pero hm...ewan...sayang ang pera.

and then of course, the very story of the good hero turning bad and liking it is, uh...lumang komik story na chong, complete with the costume color change. eto, umitim lang yung costume niya, na parang lumusot siya sa sewers or sa chimney siya dumaan. ayuz. sana naman medyo may konting imagination ang costume change, much like how the clean-cut gwapo look of christopher reeves' superman became a rough, darker shaded-costumed dude with a five o'clock shadow sa SUPERMAN 3.

ang saving grace lang yata sa akin ni spidermush ay yung sequence na nagsa-strut siya sa new york streets in his geek groove na talaga namang nakakatawa hahahaha na nakakainizzzzzz. parang konti na lang, kala ko mag-a-a la SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER ang lolo mo e. well actually, para nga siyang sinapian ni john travolta sa eksenang iyon. nung pumasok siya sa clothes store, kala ko naka-puti na rin siyang bellbottoms na disco70s mode hehehe. watch this film if only for this sequence.

what's with new york streets and non-walking? parang yung linya kay carrie sa SEX AND THE CITY na sabi "you don't walk, you sashay" or strut ba yung ginamit na word, kapag naglalakad daw siya sa kalye. flattered naman ang lola kasi nga kaka-recruit lang sa kanyang mag-runway walk sa fashion week. i like that episode, yung nadapa siya sa runway pero bet pa rin. ayuz.

at hindi ko alam kung bakit pero parang nakakairita si kirsten dunst sa pelikulang to. hm, lahat ata ng karakter nakakairita. kahit yung lola. aunt pala. masyadong madramaaaaaaa.

hay. well, on to the next blockbuster film na lang. patok! may SHREK 3. parang mas funny siya ever hehe. and SIMPSONS THE MOVIE! winner. pero ang pinaka-patok, TRANSFORMERS. pare, the cartoons of my youth itoh! bring it on! naaalala ko pa yung theme song nun "transformers/more than meets the eye/autobots raise their power to destroy the evil forces of/the deceptecons/"
sankapa!