shopping for phds

since my insomnia is back since yuletide 09, and since the internet is back, too, since last week, i am now able to spend some time surfing for things. right now, i'm shopping for phds.

at pan de amerikana
blogging during the pepeng chorva
about the ondoy chorva

yes, as in PhD baga. dagdag na pagpapakadalubhasa. colleagues like doc nic tiongson gave good advise but... i dunno, it's the production persona in me, or the creative persona, or maybe both, pero talagang di ko bet ang purely theoretical and research-oriented program. borlogs to the max itey teh. i really need something to produce creatively, kaya wala, i will stick to my original plan. sabi niya kasi, iba namang field ang kunin ko which will enhance my cinema teaching/filmmaking persona chuva daw, para ibang perspectives naman, so ang top recommendation niya ay anthropology, sociology second.

kaya pala marami sa masscomm ang kumukuha ng anthro o socio. ito ang advise sa kanila. pero dahil sa may sarili akong isip, i'll still go with my original plan: creative writing pa ring walang kamatayan. ayoko na yatang lumayo sa kal, kasi doon may creative production din like film. saka tried and tested na ang phd nila doon kaya i'll go with that. it doesn't hurt that i also know the people there already. saka may gameplan na ako dati pa sa thrust ng tatahakin kong sulatin doon kung sakali.

ang original plan ko talaga is to take a second MA talaga na malikhaing pagsulat naman, but everybody disagrees dahil wala na naman daw akong kelangang aralin sa larangang ito dahil marami na akong alam. ngek. flattered ako sa comments pero ba pa rin ang may pormal na gabay ng aral sa panulat e. para patas lang, inaral ko ang english then filipino. pero wit nga sabi ng mga tanders hehe. ayoko namang straight phd na malikhain kasi i'll be skipping a lot of essentials na sa MA level ko makukuha. wa na. saka sabi nga ng friend kong faculty sa departamento ng filipino, sino daw ba ang makukuha kong titser na okay doon sa MA hehe. kaya kahit siyang taga-doon e dini-discourage ako. now that's a bad sign, ain't it? heheh. good thing i have a lot of friends in a lot of places...

ondoy-damaged deped textbooks
in front of dswd office in marikina

heniwey, solb na ko sa desisyong ito. kebs sa kanila. basta, PhD in Creative Writing pa rin ang gegetlakin ng lola mo. dahil sa kuwentista ako, hindi na fiction ang focus ko kundi creative nonfiction, tutal doon naman ako napapunta eventually sa course ng pag-lie low ko sa fiction. ewan, mas makulay at mas excited ako sa larangang ito lately kaya heto, gusto kong karirin hehe. at least may production, kahit may theoretical and research courses din na included. balanse. all theoretical and no creative makes bayli a... boring academician mwahahahahah. and we don't want that heheh. cheka.

siya sige, hangga't libre aral ako sa peyups, getlak lang ng getlak. maybe after this phd, if ever i'm still teaching in peyups, i'll getlak the second MA in malikhaing pagsulat na ever. bakit ba, gusto ko e. at dahil may phd na ko by that time, wa na say ang mga tanderiffics ever. ayuz.

achieve!

signal number what?

the stars said today:

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)

You have a lot to say about your feelings today, especially as they pertain to family issues. Nevertheless you are better off expressing your love in deed rather than by just talking about it now. Taking care of loved ones can be a source of pleasure, but don't be overprotective; that can push others away instead of drawing them closer.

man that is so swak. talk about pushing love away. ewan... wala, minsan talaga ang plip ko lang. pero i'm just so glad this one has such a deep well of understanding and practical smarts that it makes me wake up and smell the psychosis. so i give myself a dose of those which we realize will make us mark our ways when things go awry.

ah basta. yun na yun.

*

wala na namang pasok bukas? hm, isa lang masasabi ko.... yehei!!!!!!!!!!

haha.

*

at dahil walang pasok ako kanina (my self-imposed bossing-blessed weekly day off) ay na-spare ang byuti ko ng malalakas na ulan at hangin sa labas. masarap matulog hanggang tanghali...hanggang ang isa dyan ay nang-istorbo't tumawag at naghahanap ng koneksyon kay lino cayetano! hahahaha! kulit niyo marns! pero anyway, gudlak diyan sa inyo hahahah. koleth. kala ko nananaginip pa ko nang sagutin ko phone. far out haha.

pero okay na rin at nagising ako kanina, kasi gutom na yung pusa ko at nakatanghod na siya sa aking ilong when i woke up. baka paggising ko e wala na kong ilong at nilapa na niya hehe. pero hindi pa naman siya carnivore. labs lang nya ko. at minamasahe pa niya ko! hehe oo masahista ang ket ko, super. mabigat ang paws niya e. nanganak nga pala to kaya post kao pics sa mga gustong mag-adopt ng kitten diyan. kyut sila lahat pramis.

so just spent the daylight reading up on things for my thesis and also taking care of my desktop computer na matagal ko nang nakaligtaang alagaan. so while doing that, i was also able to jazz up my second floor room anew, with posters and pictures to boot, plus my new working space pa e nabuhay ko ulit. masaya naman. hapi ako. eto's binibinyagan ko na nga right now e o.

i also put up some of my framed photos from the old exhibit at penguin, plus two posters na ever-present sa life ko saan mang wall ako mapatira: isang lgbt-related poster (this time the pride march 2006 poster featuring the anti-discrimination bill) and my small GIRL, INTERRUPTED poster. i so heart that movie kasi, and the actresses that played there -- winona ryder, the it girl of my youth and angelina jolie, the it girl of my lesbian adult life. malaki ang wall pero minimalist pa rin ang arrive kahit may mga posters na na ganito. kakatuwa. at last nabuhayan na naman ang second floor chenes dito. and the cat likes it here, too. so dito muna kami.

kapag ganitong masarap at malamig ang panahon, masarap lang tumambay sa bahay ng ganito.

sana marami pang mga araw na ganito.

*

some feedback. you're welcome cha. keep it up. good work. stay grounded.

pastime to exorcise a green-eyed monster

two days or two hours of no communication could either relieve you or drive you nuts.

it drives me nuts.

numbers don't matter. two minutes? two hours... two days! yes, i punctuate it like that. but it's not the same for us all. people punctuate differently when (im)properly motivated. to each their own.

panic attacks. it's common. insecurity fuels panic, and uncalled for scenarios build up in your mind. and unnecessary feelings surface to add more to the already existing surface tension. so unnecessary emotions build up. why oh why do we have to have habits of conjuring up ghosts to scare only ourselves? this is a human habit i have long wondered about. strangeness... to the max.

let me get rid of it. now na.

*

been enjoying my pack of sampoerna menthol lights, a pasalubong from my friend ging who came from bangkok where we usually get this brand. made by the same manufacturers of gudang garam, my usual brand, only better and finer and smoother.

made contact with this brand some years back, when my former malaysian boss went home for a vacation and came back with goodies in tow. that's the life in women NGOs, we share lots of stuff. and she has this habit of bringing pasalubong to everyone from her travels like all of us. it's the culture of sisterhood, i guess -- to share. and my house houses an eclectic collection of asian and western knick-knacks to prove it.

i was new then in the org, and she asked if i smoked, and said yes, and so she pulled out a pack of reds sampoerna, and i was hooked. but my palette looked for the comfort of menthol, so happy was i when i stumbled upon this specificity in one of my earlier bangkok travels. and i just had to buy one ream, man. sarap e.

nice to enjoy this again, here, now, during this time. i feel better now.

and yes, it's not an awful waste of space anymore. she made contact na.

silly praning me...

*

but wait. i hope this doesn't mean dependence. or interdependence. i am so shunning that concept. yes, this is a new social experiment. live day to day, one day at a time, and cherish every hour, and regret no bad hour passed. whatever.

*

i am saddened by some sisters' fate in the love department lately. near or far from me, relationships crumble just like that. but such is the fate of relationships nowadays. like job security, love security doesn't exist anymore. and in this day and age of multi-whatever (-tasking, -media etc), it's faster to move on. the question is, are you/we willing to move on as quickly? i hope you all are.

i feel for you gals. tomorrow will be a better day. trust me. you know that already. just one word: enact.

(((((((hugs from the leaflens))))))))

semisonic's adage still holds. every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

and we all know it.

*

segue.

got a taste of the university council meeting earlier where i joined as salingpusa. you could only join that if you already have the rank of assistant prof and above. so my instructor ass was hauled there by the dean and our director because, "unranked" as i was, i was indeed the "major author" of the curriculum revisions of my department/institute (meaning i was the major arse who culled their comments, made further studies and penned the drafts). which means it's a big deal for those in the academic circles. never did i realize its gravity until it was pointed out to me by colleagues and friends like wendell the assoc dean of cal who kept on raving about it to our fellow writer colleagues in a recent book launch (to my chagrin. who could remain anonymous in events like that if he raves like that? but his heart is in the right place so we forgive him). and yes, this from the same gay guy who ranted before that i could give angel aquino a run for her modeling money because of my very femme-y looks some one decade ako when we first met (when i was looking like a walking ad for a shampoo commercial then, yes). yeah i fooled a lot of people back then when i was/am in my "passing hetero" mode. but i digress.

so the UC meeting was so boring and full of people who are full of it. and i couldn't believe how some of them could be so plugged up their arses that i wondered if i would ever suffer the same fate if i stayed on for a decade more in this university teaching. i just couldn't believe that these people who taught/teaches the future of the country could be so stuck in the prejudices and bigotries of the(ir) past. like mr. kontra made lots of kontra about queer cinema kanina. and just hear the smirks and snickers when he started talking about the term queer. i could not believe that some of these arses have buttplugs so stuck up way way way up theirs that they would react that way. contrary to the virginia slims ad, we haven't gone a long way yet, baby. and what, it's the centennial celebs next year, right? hah.

sad. so sad.

kaya pala you never see the innovative teachers in that meeting. or in any other meeting like that, for that matter. they're out there busying themselves with finding the right teaching tools, finetuning their alternative teaching skills, researching about their more innovative teaching methods, all that self-improvement schtick. ang mga uma-attend ng mga meeting na yan ay karamihan mga naaagnas na sa unibersidad na di na lumalabas sa totoong mundo para mahawakan at maramdaman ang totoong buhay, na stuck na sa insecurities nila na kahit napakarami na nilang nakamit sa buhay ay insecure pa rin sa kalagayan nila sa buhay. sad. so so sad. super sad.

but i'm confident i'm not headed towards that direction. a lot of us young faculty still have the sense to involve ourselves in our multiple lives outside of the university. and i do mean multiple -- from the jobs to the rakets to the personal arts/advocacy/business involvements down to our multiple love lives / orgasms, we are just soooo out there. unlike these old farts, we are more concerned with what our students would learn rather than what our department would look like/project outside/within the university. quality not quantity, substance not image. no, we're not after image. we're after content. in this university of contradictions, i am discovering new things to be sad about and old things to be proud of. hope to find more of the latter. as in. now na. need it bad. as in. you have no idea.

*

cute nito no. the movie in my mind as i muni-muni this: STAND AND DELIVER starring subic-born texas-raised lou diamond phillips. na siguro ang tunay na pangalan e luis diamante. iningglis lang.

but i'd rather be pretty and spunky michelle pfeiffer in DANGEROUS MINDS. and i can rap the theme song pa of that movie! hehe. what can i say? i love old school rap. don't give me none of that materialistic misogynist hiphop shit. rap is it, baby. rap is it. good ol' fashioned beats with rhymes that comment on social issues that affect the personal and influence the political.

word up.

sa sadyang paghahanap ng liwanag sa di sinasadyang dilim

kababalik ko lang mula sa limang araw na pamamalagi sa tabi ng dagat, pakikipagsapalaran sa mga alon (sa ilalim at ibabaw) at sa pakikipaghuntahan sa mga luma at bagong kaibigan.  masarap ang nangyari, maganda ang kinalabasan at marami akong natutunan. 

kaya siguro ngayon, sa pagbabalik ko sa munting espasyo ko dito sa siyudad na ito, bigla akong naghahanap ng lawak -- lawak ng espasyo, ng dagat, ng lupa, ng isip, at ng damdamin. ilang araw din akong nababad sa laki at luwag ng kalangitan at karagatan kaya marahil ay sadyang hinahanap ko ngayon ang liwanag na sumasambulat sa katauhan ko sa tuwing imumulat ko ang aking mga mata sa umaga. hinahanap ng tenga ko ang bayolente pero nakakahele pa ring pagpagaspas ng alon sa tabi ng lupang tinitirikan ng aking pansamantalang tinirhan. at kahit ilang beses akong sumemplang sa pakikipagsapalaran sa mga alon sa tulong (at hindi) ng surfboard, bigla kong naisip na sana ay naroon pa rin ako, nakatago, nsa gitna, sa lugar na halos walang nakakakilala sa akin at elemento lang ang kaharap. hay ang sarap... 

ilang pagliliwanag rin ng isip at katauhan ang naka-enkuwentro ko doon ng ilang araw. isang kaibigan ang may katipan na may kakaibang pakiramdam, at pinakiramdaman niya ako. nakakagulat ang iba niyang sinabi, ang ilan naman ay kumpirmasyon ng mga kaalamang alam ko na, at ang iba ay pumukaw sa isip ko dahil sa nakapagdulot ito ng panibagong talinhaga sa akin... ang pinaka-pumukaw sa isipan ko ay yung sinabi niyang may sinusubukan akong gawin ngayon, pero alam kong hindi ako iyon o hindi akma sa akin talaga, pero nagugulat na lang ako sa resulta ng ginagawa kong ito dahil sa may mga panibagong aspeto sa sarili ang nadidiskubre ko. interesante, ano? gusto ko ito.     

saka interesante rin yung sinabi niyang hindi naman ako talaga malungkot, pero hindi rin masasabing masaya ako. hm... minsan nga, ganito ang pakiramdam ko... swak. marahil kitang-kita niya ito sa propesyonal at personal kong buhay, hay...pera o bayong? deal or no deal? if the price is right? spin a win? hala. esep esep.

*

halika na kia, lipad ka dito for a month hehe tapos workshop ka. mahal nga diyan. try mo search yung virginia women writers workshop chenes, alam ko may ganun e. balak ko nga sumali dito noon, nawala ko lang ang info. sa cornell u din yata... hm... esep esep. kinakati na yata akong mag-international intellectual mwahahahahahahahahahaha.

*

i think this is the first time i've handled deaths in april. my uncle died last week, and i never went to his wake nor his funeral. we were not exactly close, but well... we live, we learn, then we die. i also just heard that sir ogie juliano of the theater dept died last weekend. wow. deaths in april. hm.

*

nga pala, it's official: nakapasa ako sa aking language proficiency test ng french!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! arriba! esta, voila! oui oui oui c'est vrai!  yebah. so on to thesis writing mode na ako. kaya dnd mega. and then sa may, defense!!!!!!!!!!!! tantananannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. waaaaaaaah.

kaya alam niyo na kung ano ang pinagkakaabalahan ko this summer. weh. so kung makita niyo kong nakatambay somewhere with my laptop... nagbu-bookworm ako nun ehehe. nah. nagtitesis mode yun.

*

naalala ko yung conversation namin ni allyn sa bauang. ati, eto, nag-four corners incense chuva akesh dito sa aking haybols. da best! :) salamat ulit sa reading. sobrang nakatulong sa paglalagay ng perspektiba ng ilang bagay-bagay sa buhay... hello na rin kay ate jen! at sa ibang engkantadang naengkanto ng la union beach... mga ati, mga multiply niyo ha. sige na nga, dun na rin ako lilipat. wait and see. penge mga piktyur. hoy kate ang dami mo raw naiwan hehe. kwami yung bola mo na kay dibayn.

connectivity

amazing talaga ng power ng technology na ito, internet. sarap for research work. grabeh. loads of info talaga at your fingertips, literal. times like these naiisip ko talagang ICT4ME ang adbokasya ko hehe. dedma na sa tumutuligsa sa mga ict4d eks. it works for me, man.

been doing research on four topics (oo grabeh multi-tasker talaga akesh) simultaneously the whole day. productive naman. weird lang yung opac ng peyups. yung libro on literature, nasa masscomm lib. yung book on film and feminism, nasa cswcd lib. nubayan. wafung.

*

abah interesting lately ang mga blog comments ko ha. ei, you can email this blogsterkid at my newly created blog email, leaflens@gmail.com. kung nahihiya kayong mag-comment dito. sa email tayo maghuntahan. dedma na sa spammers. magaling ang gmail mag-filter eh hehe.

*

i stumbled upon this queer encyclopedia site and it's so great. however, as i was browsing their mainpage, may obits list sa gilid, mga notable queers na kamamatay lang plus description and background.

grabe lang yung napansin ko. puro "survived by her partner of thirty-three years" o kaya "survived by her partner of fifty years." ponyetah ang tatagal namang nagsama ng mga byaning na ito.

this gets me thinking again. parang afraid yung thought. i think the hopeless/hapless romantic in me died already because i can say these things now, pero i don't think i'm comfy with settling down with one person for that long! 30 years? 20? not even 10. parang i dread the thought. i really wonder why. pero i just do. siguro na-reinvent ko na nga ang outlook in life ko and  i really don't like the idea of depending on one person for that long. i'd rather be alone actually. or kung may kasama man, siguro hindi na kami aabot ng senior citizen status. at least ako, parang ayokong umabot ng ganun. ewan ko. baka naloloka lang ako or what, pero the thought of growing old scares me na nga, growing old with one person pa.  hm, siguro subliminally, alam ko kasing if i grow old with someone, i will be the one who will do most of the "caregiving" chores (based on my herstory).  parang di ko ata dig yun. i'd rather give care to myself. selifsh ba? ewan ko. basta weird lang ito sa akin. the concept of 'til death do us part.' ick.

not to say na i don't advocate for lgbt marriage. i do. we all have the right to enjoy civil liberties no matter who we are. siguro yun bang thought na you depend on one person for your happiness, sanity, eklat, chuvalulu, mga kantang "how do i live without you" chorva ang anthem. mukhang i'm rebelling on that. short of promoting polygamy na ba ito? hindi naman siguro. i still believe we shouldn't spread ourselves thinly like that, keeping multiple (steady) partners and all. taxing talaga yun at mga matatapang (at may datung) na tao lang ang may kaya nun. i'm not like that, i know. hm, maybe if i turn into a billionaire tomorrw, huway nat? hehe. kidding.

basta. yes, it's so sweet and so romantic, being with "the one" eklat. pero frankly, i don't think there is just one for you.  people never get satisfied; that's a fact. parang tattoo yan e. do you wanna get stuck with one design forever? masyadong mahal magpa-remove nun kaya you have to think hard about the design or if you really want one. kaya nga i settle for henna kasi ako, nagsasawa ako sa design. at least henna puwede mo ilipat lipat. you cherish the first half na malinaw pa siya. and then you just try to move on pag fading na.

henna tattoo and love. what an analogy.

well, i guess nasasabi ko na kasi ito dahil nakaka-ilang relasyon na rin naman akong matagal. as in, serial monogamy type, for as short as 3 months to as long as 5 years. so i guess i learn some things from those times. and the thing that i've learned is, hindi dapat tayo nagpapatali sa length of time. if it's  time to move on, we should do it.  saka it's nice to be alone sometimes. i'm valuing that now. hindi talaga natatapos ang saga ng pagkilala sa sarili, kaya kelangang di ito kaligtaan ninuman.

well, to each her own. violent reactions welcome. e me.

ps nood kayo nitong film.

LESBIYANA LESBIYANA, PAANO KA ISINAPELIKULA?

NOOD  KAYO!  LIBRE  'TO.

VENUE:
University of the Philippines
College of Mass Communication auditorium
Plaridel Hall, UP Campus, Quezon City
Wednesday, 11 January 2006 10am - 12nn

CMC FACULTY COLLOQUIUM

“Lesbiyana Lesbiyana Paano ka Isinapelikula?”
A look at women-loving-women portrayals in mainstream Philippine cinema
by Libay Linsangan Cantor

How are women-loving-women being portrayed in Philippine cinema today?

Since the film Tatlo Magkasalo was commercially shown in 1998, the topic of lesbianism as a central storyline was rarely – if barely – touched upon again by Filipino filmmakers within the mainstream field. There have been a few lesbian or bisexual female characters and lesbian-oriented storylines in a few films, but most – if not all – of these portrayals are not of a major stature. What kind of portrayals are these? How do they show the lives, loves and preoccupations of today’s Filipino lesbian? Do they present a range of characterizations or perpetrate stereotypes that lead to derogatory personifications? But before asking where these characters are today, perhaps we need to ask how lesbians were portrayed in Philippine cinema in the past.

This paper will try to examine the image/s of the lesbian in mainstream cinema through an informal survey of commercially-exhibited films within the last three decades. By selecting certain popular examples, the paper will try to comprehend the celluloid life of the woman-loving-woman – how they were given spaces within the story, how their stories were carried out, and how their personas were treated in whole. This analysis of a Philippine cinematic “lesbian herstory” hopes to produce meaningful insights and hopefully also lead us to a more enlightened and empowered filmic representation of the lesbian experience.


Ms. Libay (Olivia) Linsangan Cantor is an instructor at the UP Film Institute where she finished her BA Film and Audiovisual Communication degree in 1995. She also serves as UPFI’s Faculty Coordinator for Academic Programs and Research. Currently, she is finishing her MA English Studies: Creative Writing at the UP College of Arts and Letters.

Ms. Cantor has garnered honors in different fields such as writing (two Carlos Palanca Awards for Literature in 1997; honorable mention at the Film Development Foundation of the Philippines Inc. 1998 scriptwriting competition); photography (“one of the five highly commendable photographers” at the 2005 World Association for Christian Communication International Photographic Competition, UK) and video (“Jeep Tip” short documentary honored as an “Official Selection” at the 2005 Chicago Filipino-American Film Festival, USA).

She was the co-founder of U.P. Sappho Society, the first university-based lesbian organization in the Philippines. She is currently an applicant of the professional literary organization Artista Para sa Kultura at Dalumat ng Bayan Ink. (Akdang_Bayan).

Her short stories, poems, essays, film/media and cultural/gender analyses/criticism articles have been published in different book anthologies, print and online publications in the Philippines, Australia, Canada and the USA.