how long 'til my soul gets it right?

originally posted at my downelink blog
-----------

there's a thin line between pleasing yourself and pleasing someone else.

how do you tow the line if we both have monsters beneath our beds?

each life has its place. but how do i place mine in yours, and yours in mine?

what makes you think i can start clean-slated? the hardest to learn was the least complicated. it still holds: i'm looking for baggage that goes with mine. weren't you?

i know it's not easy to say "take a chance on me" but i did, and so did you. but when i say i'm gonna do my best and it's ain't no lie, i mean it. you already put me to the test, you already let me try. what happened, then?

i don't know if you'll ever understand why. it's like this: if my life were important i would ask -- will i live or die? but i know the answers lie far from this world. will you close every door to me?

you're not alone. sometimes i doubt it, too. time and time again i've said that i don't care, that i'm immune to gloom, that i'm hard through and through. but every time it matters all my words desert me so anyone can hurt me, and they do... do you understand?

the past is gone but something might be found to take its place. do you believe that? i do. when i found you, i was caught in between all i wish for and all i need. and i love you for it. yes, this is how you remind me of what i really am. can you read my mind? do you know what it is you do to me?

i am not as brave as you. when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am. we're after the same rainbow's end, waiting round the bend.

so where am i in you? i know where you are in me. when you gonna make up your mind? when you gonna love you as much as i do? just a reminder: there's really no day but today. if you need to be loved, here i am, read my mind. you and i could belong to each other.

so what happens now? where am i going to?

don't ask anymore...

*

sige, magsimba ka na. ipagdasal mo na lang ako. sana makakuha ka rin ng kaliwanagan sa sarili mong dilim. hindi ito kontes ng padiliman. iisa lang naman ang hitsura nating lahat kapag walang ilaw. pare-pareho tayong magkakapaan. ang tanong, kaya mo bang sumabay sa lakbay na walang gabay? handa ka bang tanggapin na ang paraan at proseso ng paglalakbay at paggabay ay magkakaiba para sa iba't ibang tao?...









[thanks to my mp3 player for this entry. and to the great songwriters who contribute to the daily soundtrack of my life.]

sensing the sounds of the surroundings

may bagong pool table ang kapitbahay namin dito sa tapat ng apartment. gabi-gabi, naririnig ko ang pagdikit ng tik at tak bago mag-wooshk ang bola sa gilid ng mesa. phthk minsan ang tunog niya, malamang napakapal ang tisa sa dulo ng istik at umiskid sa gilid ng makintab na eight ball o nine, depende sa laro nila.

naiingit ako kasi gabi-gabi kong naririnig ang laro ng billiards ng kapitbahay ko. masama pa't natatanaw ko sila ng bahagya dahil sa nasa ikalawang palapag ako tuwing gabi at sila ay nasa una at bukas na garahe.

sa umaga naman, ang larong naririnig ko ay mula sa mga bata dito sa kapitbahay ko sa compound ng apartment na di ko mawari kung bakit pero ang laro nila ay patungkol sa eskuwelahan. naririnig ko ang mga hirit na "o, prayer position" at "ikaw ang grade 2, siya ang grade 1" tapos "ako ang magba-bayang magiliw!" sabay labas ng mga kuwaderno, krayola, lapis at bag na pampasok nila sa eskuwelahan. hindi ko alam kung malulungkot ako sa mga batang ito dahil sa di sila pinapayagan maglaro sa labas ng kalye para mag-patintero o tumbang preso man lang, o chinese garter tulad ng mga laro namin noong ako ay kasing-edad nila. ni wala na nga yatang naglalaro ng siyato / shato ngayon sa mga kalye ng maynila. malamang di na alam ng mga kabataan ngayon kung ano at paano laruin iyon.

kapag lumisan na ako sa lugar na ito, siguro nag-aagaw na lungkot at saya ang mararamdaman ko dahil sa maiiba nang husto ang mga tunog na maririnig ko sa aking kapaligiran. wala nang sisigaw bigla ng "wowoweeeeee!" tuwing tanghali tulad ng ginagawa ng batang may down syndrome dito sa tabing bahay ko. wala na rin sigurong malakas na boses na magpapakitang-gilas na kausap niya ang bossing niya sa telepono tuwing holiday. wala na ring mga batang malakas ang boses na akala nila ay di sila naririnig nguni't naririnig kong tinatanong nila sa nanay nila tuwing dadaan ako sa pintuan nila na "mama di ba siya yung nakatira sa sebentinayn-see?" at lalong wala nang mga tunog kalyeng maririnig mo sa araw-araw dulot ng mga tinderong may dalang tinda, o mga kandidatong ninakaw ang melodya ng hagibis at ginawang campaign election jingle para maipaalam sa madla na sila ay kumakandidato at dapat paniwalaan mo dahil di sila mangungurakot. sige lang...

mawawala na rin ang pagbubunganga ng isang ale dito sa tabing bahay ko na tuwing alas-nueve ng umaga ay parang on cue na kakausapin ang mga kalalakihang ander sa kanya sa bahay nila. mawawala na rin ang panaka-nakang sigaw ng mga di ko maaninag na karakter at di ko alam kung bakit nila nais pumasok sa compound.

mawawala na rin ang maingay na ugong ng mga bandang pasaway na kasalukuyang may gig sa 70s bistro. yung tipong tatapat pa ang gig nila sa gabing nais mong matulog ng bago mag-hatinggabi pero biglang uugong ang tunog ng gitara nila. gusto mo tuloy itanong na "akala ko ba ang pangalan ng banda niyo ay silent sanctuary?"

nakikini-kinita ko na, na kapag umalis ako dito, mawawala ang ugong ng bintilador at baka mas mapalitan ng ugong ng aircon. ayoko yata iyon. iba ang kaledad ng ugong nila, at mas nanaisin ko pang marinig ang ugong ng bintilador kahit anong oras o init... tignan natin.

ayoko na ring makarinig ng mga pusang nag-aaway o naglalambingan o naglalampungan. kahit mahal ko ang pusa, hindi ko na yata maatim na magkaroon ng alagain sa susunod kong titirhan. ako na lang sana ang kaisa-isang alagain doon. kaya di ko na rin maririnig ang pag-purrrrrr ng dibdib nito habang kayakap ko siya tuwing darating ako sa bahay at kakantahan ko siya ng kantang kasalukuyang tumutugtog sa mp3 player kong suot pagkadating -- sa kanyang kasawiang-palad.

mabuti na rin dahil hindi na ako makakarinig ng pagbukas ng telebisyon ng alas-sais ng umaga para manood ng isang pang-umagang programa habang ako ay kasalukuyang umaarangkada pa lamang ang pagkatulog. nakakaistorbo kasi ito sa tuluyang daloy ng aking pahinga, dahil sa mhga alas-tres ako nakakatulog halos. parusa di ba?

importante para sa akin ang mga tunog na naririnig ko sa kapaligiran. nakakatulong ito sa dikta ng damadamin at muni-muni ko kahit nasaan man ako. minsang itinanong ko sa klase ko kung ano'ng sense ang okay lang sa kanilang mawala. sagot ko, hindi ko yata alintana na mawalan ng pangramdam basta naroon pa ang pandinig at pangtingin ko. tunay na awdyobiswal. pero ayoko ring mawala ang panlasa ko, dahil tunay sa pagkatao ko ang pagiging isang gourmand na mahilig kumain na di lang pang-alis ng gutom.

naiintriga lang ako dahil iniisip ko kung ano'ng klaseng mga tunog ang maririnig ko sa susunod kong tirahan.

abangan.

minimum requirements for living and loving

sabi ng friend ko, subukan ko daw maglista ng minimum requirements na gusto ko sa isang relasyon o karelasyon. ang purpose nito ay para makita mo man lang kung nafu-fulfil at least ang ilan doon o lahat (e minimum na nga e, so dapat lahat). kumbaga, checklist of what you want, what to expect and what not to expect and all that.

sounds fair enough. i tried thinking about some things, so here is mine:

1. dapat malambing sya.

kasi simple lang yan. malambing akong tao kaya gusto ko rin ng malambing na tao. simpleng equation di ba? hindi kelangang syrupy sweet na nakakasuka type. hindi lambing yun, pukyutan yun. yung normal lang, loveydovey type.

2. dapat hindi siya praning

yung tipong hahawakan mo lang yung bag niya e magki-cringe siya at akala niya yayakapin mo siya in public, na takot na takot siyang mangyari dahil baka daw may kakilala siyang makakita sa kanya at isusumbong siya sa nanay niyang religious zealot chenes chenes chenes at kung anu-ano ipapadeklara niya sa mga kaibigan niyo like "hindi naman kami e" or "wala namang nangyari sa atin di ba" or "if they ask, tell them we're just housemates". pookenanginang... which brings us to the next one..

3. dapat out siya

i don't fucking care if i am discriminating against closeted individuals out there. sure, i know your limitations and all that and i respect your rights to privacy and all. but as applied to me, i'd rather have someone there with me who will not barf at the idea of at least holding hands man lang in public. at wala pang pda yun. but not to say i want to pda in public. what i mean is, malambing nga kasi akong tao kaya minsan nailalabas ko ang lambingan in public at dapat okay siya sa ganoon dahil yun ang pagkatao ko.

bottomline is, ang tanda ko na para magtago. at saka, i was not reared inside the closet in the first place. when i discovered i was a lesbian, i did not hide it inside the closet. i shared it with everyone i knew -- even my mom -- because that was how excited and proud i was of discovering who i really was. because it was that monumental a moment. no closet could hold it back or hold it in, kahit expert furniture maker ka pa using bamboo or mahogany.

4. dapat koboy siya

kung trip niyang sumama sa akin para manood ng stage musicals like new voice company's into the woods or kung type niya mag-hangout sa isawan sa peyups para kumain ng isaw at mang-okray ng pseudo-fashionistang passersby, e di gud! ibig sabihin nito, meron siyang level of flexibility that will give lastikman a run for his money. at saka adaptable siya sa maraming bagay, lalo na sa differences ng mga tao. which brings me to the next one...

5. dapat hindi siya classist matapobre freak kundi patient and tolerant of differences

kung mapangmata siya ng sadya sa karakter at hindi out of acting exercises, ibang usapan yun. iba ang nagdo-donya buding-buding-an mode sa tunay na cruella de vil mode. those people deserve the electric chair three times over until their brains fry and their farts turn extra crispy.

dapat pasensiyosa rin siya sa lagay ng ibang tao. hindi niya dapat ibinabalewala ang experiences o concerns ng ibang tao dahil lang sa hindi niya concern iyon o kaya she finds it petty and immature and beneath her. we all have different beats and cycles, so we have to be respectful of this if we expect others to be respectful of our own processes.

kasi sana naiintindihan niya na ako, kaya kong kumeri sa kahit anong klaseng tao, kasi nagawa ko na iyan dati pa at hanggang ngayon. kaya kong matulog sa isang ifugao hut, makihuntahan sa mga muslim, umikot sa urban poor areas, makikain sa mga magsasaka at mangingisda, tumabi sa mga tomador sa kanto o sa bar sa makati, makipag-usap nang malapitan sa mga may HIV/AIDS, gumala sa tondo o forbes park, maki-dinner kasama ang mga anak ng lowest utility sa crew sa set o maki-drinks with the sons of philippine presidents, at makipagpalitang-kuro sa mga nepalese, chinese, taiwanese, new yorker, german, spanish, vietnamese, laotian, cambodian, turkish, iranian, kenyan, nigerian, indian, malaysian, japanese, korean, canadian, american, mexican at mga naniniwalang sila ay sirena. yes i've done all that. so give me credit where credit is due. in short, kaya kong makihalubilo sa mga kaibigan mo o kaaway mo.

6. dapat into the arts siya, o naiintindihan niya ang importance ng arts

dahil sa totoo lang, kung sa gitna ng isang movie premiere ay tatawagan ka niya at itatanong kung bakit ka nanonood ng sine at para san iyon at kailangan ko bang panoorin yung sine na iyon, man it's time to take a hike. hindi ito call para maging bohemian ka. call ito para intindihin mo na the world is not ruled by the left hemisphere of the brain all the time. artistic tayong mga tao, lalo na tayong mga pinoy. get with the program. we invented the karaoke di ba?

7. dapat sensitive siya sa needs mo

kung ang daily conversations niyo ay peppered with "aynako yung boss ko, aynako ang dami kong gagawin, aynako ang daming prublema sa office ko, aynaku kelangan ko asikasuhin si mama at mga pamangkin ko,
aynaku wala akong oras makipag-text sa iyo dahil dami ko pa trabaho..." aynako baka kelangan nang humanap ng isang nilalang na magtatanong sa iyo ng "kamusta ka na? kamusta ang lagay mo?" nang hindi pabalat-bunga at out of obligation at dahil tunay na gusto niya talaga malaman ang lagay mo because she cares. hindi sa dinidikta mong alagaan ka niya pero at least naman dapat she cares di ba? parang hallmark card, nangungumusta with true feelings...

8. dapat honest siya sa feelings niya sa yo

kung talagang like ka niya, dapat iparamdam niya yun sa yo. kung ayaw niya sa yo at napipilitan lang siya, dapat din she has the decency to tell you and let you go. pero kung wala na siyang gusto sa iyo at tinatago ka lang niya diyan sa sidelines as a reserve or spare tire kapag naflat siya, ay it's high time to get outta there and find a new garahe to park your butt in, along with the rest of you. ano ka, carpark? buti nga carpark may earnings e. ikaw wala. dinadaan-daanan ka lang, nalalaspag pa. wa na.

9. dapat matino at masarap kausap

from intellectual banters to simplistic hoots, dapat keri niya lahat ng spectrum ng pag-uusap. saka dapat naa-appreciate din niya ang silent mode. saka dapat aside from being a good talker/conversationalist, she is also a good listener, not patronizing lang. and most of all, nire-respeto ang differences in opinion ninyo, hindi yung aawayin ka niya kung di ka sasang-ayon sa opinyon niya o kaya mamatahin ka dahil iba ang opinyon mo kesa sa kanya. labo di ba.

10. dapat tanggap niya kung ano ka

kung bigla ka niya sasabihan ng "nami-miss ko ang feeling ng sex with a man/with a penis, aynako baka kelangan nang bumiyahe without her. the moment she looks for a body part that you don't have, hightail outta there. and tell her to fuck herself.

11. dapat she is a woman of her word. at walang third party. kahit ex-turned-friend pa man niya yun.

if she ends up as a pathological liar na nagse-send ng "i care for you" text messages (send to many mode) sa yo at sa isa pa niyang kalaguyo ay baka kelangan mo nang mag-isip-isip kung ano ang gagawin sa kanya sakaling magkita kayo sa kalye the next day.kahit pa man may platonic bond pa sila ng ex niya dahil sa maraming domestic matters like housing, bills, a shared child custody, aba puta dapat malinaw ang usapan at alam niya kung saan hahatiin at ilulugar ang mga bagay-bagay. saka sabihin niya yung kaya niyang gawin at gampanan. dapat hindi siya nangangako ng hindi niya kayang tuparin dahil sa totoo lang, masakit at nakakalungkot mag-expect sa wala.

12. dapat hindi siya sinungaling

before and during the relationship syempre. sobrang sakit lang kaya nung malaman mo na kinikita pa niya ang ex niya secretly dahil they want to be friends lang blah or kung hindi niya sinasabi sa yo saan siya pupunta ek, hay...dapat up front lahat ng transaksyones ninyo sa buhay. walang secret secret. walang tinatago. dapat lahad lahat ng bagay na patungkol sa pagsasama niyo.

after the pagsasama, siyempre ibang usapan na yun. pero sana naman hindi rin siya sinungaling to the point na ipagkakalat niya sa mga tao ang mga kasinungalingan about you, like sasabihin niya "kimulimbat niya ang pera ko ng 2 million...pero di bale na, kikitain ko rin yun" o kaya "she physically abused me" o kaya "siya ang lumapit at nag-pursue sa akin, hindi ako, kaya napilitan lang ako pumatol" and all that shit. dibale, kakain din sila ng shit when they reach the 8th circle of hell...

13. at dapat, gagawa siya ng effort para magwork ang relationship niyo.

and this means she will work hard to make efforts to make it work, not leave the hard work and decisions up to you to decide whether the relationship will work or not. yung parang pontius pilate mode na ayaw maghugas ng kamay drama mode. dapat she should also put her stake in the relationship like you are putting stake at it, which means she should find time for it, nurture it, try to work things out when things are not smooth, have time for you and make moments worthwhile. kahit mahirap at magulo.

bottomline: if you want it to work, work on it. if not, let go. let it go, let her go. then go.


-------

o ayan na ang aking dyke's dozen, which is of course, like the baker's is 13...kasi ang dila, puwede ring mag-function bilang daliri. waahahahahahahah naloloka na akoh.

chos.

next step is to evaluate.

see you Oct20sat at the Dyke Dialogues...

yeah yeah i know, i know, it's not the best of titles but hey, mga lawyers nag-isip nyan e so heheheeheh. peace mga ati! hihi. don't sue me!

sabi nga ni fire kagabi, "e i'm not a dyke e!" okay lang yun. sometimes labels are meant for other people, not for us, to identify us. ganun lang yun. hindi naman derogatory e...

ang point lang naman niyan e, punta kayo kung kayo ay babaeng nagmamahal ng babae at kung nais niyong makahuntahan ang mga kaedad niyo, mas bata sa inyo at mas matanda, join kayo dito. kahit wala kayong kakilala, okay lang. maybe this is the chance to meet new friends. kung shy kayo, puwede namang pumunta lang at mag-observe at makinig. walang prublema yun. iba naman tayo sa mga badingerz na pag may new fez e manghahaba ang leeg para ma-sight ang utaw at unahan na sa senyasan galore haaay. i've noticed that this doesn't happen as much in lesbian gatherings...unless you are just so uber-hot na prettybabe na you can't help it if you're gorgeous na talagang luluwa mata ng mga utaw sa yo...but that's another story. men really are from mars (they go to war to be near each other? hehe) and women are from venus (mahilig mag-observe ng beauty from afar, like gazing at the stars and planets chenes).

so again, hindi uso-uso ang "shy ako" mode, ha katê ! hehehe. (oo special mention ka talaga hahahaa. bitbitin mo yung mga pinakilala mo sa aking taga-babaylan.)

one of the organizers, The L Word Manila Meetup Group, is a young group i'm involved with na ang point every month ay magkita-kita kahit simpleng hangout lang somewhere in a cafe in cubao, morato or wherever, chikahan for hours, at kung anupaman. nagsimula ito as online community who like the show when it first came out some years back, then mga Lword-watching marathons sa bahay ng sinuman somewhere ensued. diverse ang mga tao dito. ang iba ay music lovers na nagha-hangout sa mga gigs ng ilang members na may banda, ang ilan naman ay sporty type na mga futbol/soccer gels, at ang iba ay mahilig manood ng sine o gumawa at mag-recite ng tula. at iba pa.

yung isang organizer, yung Rainbow Rights, ay isang LGBT rights org na puro lawyer ang member, mga matagal na rin sa LGBT advocacy movement, na naisipang mag-reconnect sa mga mas bata. masaya yang mga yan, mga miyembro rin ng iba pang lgbt orgs like LEAP (Lesbian Advocates of the Philippines) at involved rin sa Task Force Pride network like me. mga kick-ass lawyers sila. ang ilan sa kanila ang tuma-tumbling sa congress at senado para ipaglaban ang ating mga karapatan sa pagsulong ng Anti-Discrimination Bill (ADB) na itinataguyod ang paglaban sa diskriminasyon based sa sexual orientation/gender identity. kung may legal problem din kayo at lgbt kayo, puwede silang dumulog, para silang NGO.

yung host ng venue, Radar Pridewear, ay mga kaibigan ko na nag-iisip ng mga alternative things for lezzies na events, alternative to the usual disco disco exclusives na sampu sampera na rin diyan sa tabi-tabi. para ito sa mga hindi trip mag-usap sa maiingay na bar type. nasa venue rin ang store ng radar, at doon niyo makikita yung mga shirts na suot ko. bili rin kayo, sale sila ngayon.

sabi nga nila, this is a safe space for women. to tell you a bit of history sa building, dati ay may bar-resto diyan called gills and fins, na sa gabi ay nagiging exclusive lesbian disco dance place. bilang bata pa kami noong late 90s e hangout kami doon lagi, maraming EB ng chatters, special events connected to pride march activities, other lesbian or mixed LGBT activities chenes. doon nag-hold ng launch ang UP Sappho Society noong 1998. masaya sa katipunan noong mga panahong ito...we painted the town pink and purple.

kaya sinusubukan ulit naming buhayin ang lugar ng ganitong mga events. punta kayo mga gels. imbita rin kayo ng mga kaibigan niyo. para sa mga naghahanap ng mga matitinong diskusyon tungkol sa ating katauhan, baka ito na ang pagkakataong hinahanap niyo. at ang importante sa lugar na ito ay: walang husgahan.

okei?

o tara na punta tayo ha.


Rainbow Rights Project (R-Rights), Inc.,
in cooperation with Radar Pridewear and
The LWord Manila MeetupGroup, will be
holding its second informal chat/FGD
this month, entitled "Dyke Dialogues: A
Rainbow Exchange on Identities and
Partnerships" . It will be held on 20
October 2007, Saturday from 1:00-5:00
pm, at the the Roofdeck, FBR Arcade
(the building where Yellow Cab Pizza is),
317 Katipunan Avenue, Quezon City.

Aimed at reaching out to the young
members of the LGBT Community, R-
Rights members will be joined by veteran
Lezz activists who want to interact with
the new Lezz generation.

The activity will be a light discussion
on gender identification and
relationship dynamics and how these
issues determine the Philippine LGBT
advocacy landscape.

RSVP to (0917) 8870501

sensing senses / eksenang one liners

originally posted at my leaflens.multiply.com blog

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i'm lost... responsibility should never be passed on to other people. nor should people accept/take on responsibility that is not clearly theirs. but people still do that. i don't know why.

and then there are those who could not own up or owe their responsibility for whatever reason. that is just so strange. if you did something, either by accident or not, you should be able to face up to your responsibility like a thinking human being.

so think. real hard. and face the music. or learn how.

sometimes i just could not believe how callous other people could get. but then again, i understand why people could become so callous.

go figure.

but a dear friend reminded me of one important tidbit tonight: help is not an obligation. therefore, you are not obliged to help those who are in need, regardless of who they are. or who they were to you.

i should remind myself more about this. i keep forgetting this important fact. like i keep forgetting i no longer have near waist-length hair (ghost hair feeling a la phantom limb mode). sometimes when i lie in my bed, i automatically rearrange my head to as to fix/accommodate my long hair like i still have long hair. then i catch myself doing that and laugh.

quote nga ni barbie last arnis session:

"what happened to libay's hair?"

and she asks this kay fire while i am spitting distance from her ha. hahahah natawa lang ako sa eksena. as if nahagip-hagip nila ng arnis ang hair ko kaya kasalanan nilang umikli ito. hahaha!

and then she goes on to say that she can't come near me that much because i look like her ex. hahahaahahah. funny talaga ang bunnies i swear.

arnis naaaaaaaa!

now you believe Prince has pinoy blood? / eksenang klasrum

forgot to share this here. originally posted at my multiply blog.

----------


in one of my film classes, a student of mine was wondering why president arroyo cited tia carrere and lou diamond phillips when they came here before. sabi niya [something like this, di ko na maalala ang verbatim]:

siya: like, i dunno why they were awarded. e like, they're not pinoy naman or anything...

the class: *gasp* (yung iba) *...* (dedma yung iba)

me: darling, they are pinoy. they have pinoy blood. si lou diamond dito pinanganak sa pinas, sa subic nga yata, pero sa texas siya lumaki. i'm sure ang totoong name niya ay "luis diyamante" or something, pinasosyal lang.
and i went to cite other pinoys or pipol with pinoy blood working as actors in hollywood.

segue to this.

i was reading an interview with one of my favorite american actors, si gina gershon, the undying dyke icon, sa afterellen.com. and this excerpt proves that prince, or tafkap (the artist formerly known as prince) o kung anu man ang pangalan niya ngayon, has pinoy blood talaga [emphasis mine]:


AE: It's been a while since you've done anything musical. I remember when you did Cabaret.

GG: My first professional shows were all music or dance. And then I kind of stopped because I wanted to be a quote-unquote serious actress. I went back and I did Cabaret on Broadway. And the musical director kept looking at me and going: "You actually sing. You're a singer."

I kind of forgot I loved doing [that]. And I had many different opportunities to do music. Prince wanted me to do Purple Rain years ago. He flew me out there and he's changing my name, and for some reason, I backed out of that.

AE: What did he want to change your name to?
GG: Gheena. He goes, "I think I'm going to call you Gheena." I said, "Gheena Gershon?" And he said: "No. Just Gheena." At that moment I knew this was going to be weird. I was so young. I was like, "I want to go to college …"

AE: It could have been worse. He could have said, "I think I'm going to call you Apolongheenia."
GG: Yeah. It just didn't seem right. But looking back, who knows where I would have been now.

---------------------

shet nalaglag ako kakatawa. only a person with pinoy blood would really think of putting an H in your name and interchanging similar-sounding vowels like i to e and multiply them to have one i equals two ee yung ganun...

punyetah. natawa talaga ko dito!

- lheebuy

nyetah.

level of evil lives

as i write this, friday has just passed and it is now saturday. but my mind is still on friday because it was one heck of a day...

levels. maybe people are multi-taskers, multi-talented, multi-whatever. but it always amazes me the level of evil (evilness) one has in them. innate, cultured or developed over time, talagang may level lang ng evil ang isang tao na ikagugulat mo...

like kung may magreklamong irate employee, magtataka ka sa level of evil na kaya nilang gawin, spending so much energy writing emails, letters, petitions and such when they could have spent that time doing their work well and doing what was/is asked of them in the first place instead of spreading hate mail or such and displaying arrogance and bigotry with their words while they contradict their logic in every other paragraph. labo. if they get their jobs well in the first place, e di walang mangyayaring kakaiba, di ba? labo. sila na nga pinagbibigyang madalas, sila pa aangal ng pinakamalakas. in short, rakstar mentality ever. pangks nat ded men, i swear.

meron namang katrabaho mo na malinaw kausap pero pagtalikod mo pala, iba ang gagawin niya at sasabihin. tapos gagamitin pa ang kakaibang koneksyones para magpatulong sa pag-apak ng mas maraming taong hindi naman siya nakikita bilang matino -- dahil sa marami sa kanyang tumitingin ng ganun, kasi nga hindi talaga siya matino ever. di ba? nakakatawa minsan ang professional callboy mode... labo.

meron ding mga malinaw naman kausap at sumusunod sa kinauukulan pero di ko mawari kung naa-abduct ba sila ng alien at hindi nila naaalala ang tama at wastong gawain ng matinong tao. di ko kasi sigurado kung tao pa ang tingin nila sa sarili nila... minsan parang hindi, e. parang outer space waste ito...labo.

meron ding mga kausap na matino at matalino pero mahina ang loob na hindi mo alam kung saan galing iyong panghihinang iyon. tapos ibabato sa iyo lahat ng bato dahil sa sabi nila mas matibay ka at di matitibag kesa sa kanila. tapos idadagdag pa na isa kang source of strength nila at sa iyo sila kumukuha ng lakas. pero paano naman ako? tanong ko pa rin: saan ako kukuha ng sarili kong lakas? no matter how sweet it is, a sugarcane stalk just could produce this much amount of juice, y'know... after that, mahirinan ka na sa nginatngat na hibla. yun. labo.

pero mas nakakatawa yung merong level of coldheartedness diyan na sobra lang na iba na ang level sa ka-afraid-an, yun bang tipong nakakatakot na siyang kilalanin kasi akala mo kilalang-kilala mo na siya tapos eto't nagkaroon lang ng bagong information tungkol sa isang revenge factor e mas tumaas ang level ng evilness niya dahil sa ikinatutuwa niya ang kahirapan ng iba. e revenge factor nga e, sabi ng iba, kasi nga dati siyang nalustayan ng kaluluwa ng taong ito noon. pero kahit na. kaya minsan, akala ng lahat kaibigan niya ang mga nilalang sa paligid niya, pero hindi rin pala. kasi nga nakaramdam na siya ng ibang lebel ng ka-evil-an kaya nag-iiba ang ikot ng utak niya. hm, ewan ko ba sa ganyang tao...labo.

meron din diyang makindatan at mangitian lang, gumigiri na sa pagsusutil at panunulsol ng pagkakanti. pero pag siya naman ang hinarapan mo ng ganting kanti, tangina tiklop! tapos di makatitig sa yo. sa likod ng tahimik na postura, markang demonyo pala ang makikita sa mga isip, puso o dibdib nila. what-everrrrr. labo.

tapos may pahabol pa! wala nga sa eksena, nalapitan lang ng isang nasa eksena, aba't umeksena na siyang sarili! ni wala nga siyang kinalaman sa eksena in the first place, nakiki! kainiz. pero ang topper nito ay, sobrang obvious ang pakiki-eksena niya!!!! labo nito men. as in. labo.

ibang klase talaga ang mga nilalang hane... hay...

*

pero masaya rin ang biyernes kasi last day of classes officially sa peyups. yehey no more classes no more books no more students dirty looks hwehwehwehwe keerowk! yan ang mantra ko every end of sem. kung di mo alam kung saan galing yan, laos kaaaaaaaaaa!

*

i should do a piece about evil, no? dami ko nang source material e. pasensiya kayo't manunulat ang inugnay niyo sa mga lebel niyo. kanya-kanya lang yang creativity when it comes to saying what one wants to say back, di ba la?

tro.

at least in my kind of ranting and exacting revenge, i win awards pa hahahahaa chos! e kayo? huwanaaaaaah. kangkungan galore.

takatak tak tak tak tak...

shame!

originally posted at my downelink blog, with additions...

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as that 70s disco song goes...

back in your arms
is where i wanna be
wanna be-heeeee [yes, kasama yung birit]
back in your arms
that's my high
hiiiiiiiiigh [birit ulit]

if all we need to know is to not be ashamed to let your loved one know that you want her to be with you and you want to be with her, then what's stopping you to shamelessly admit this?

there just ain't no pride in the name of love, honey. what more in the name of love? listen to bono.

i'm just glad no one stopped me. and her.

no more shame.

*

i didn't know that the title of this song was "Shame" until they featured it on THE SEARCH FOR THE NEXT PUSSYCAT DOLL last season and the contestant girls just performed this better than i imagined those puki-ket dalls would... (yes, guilty pleasure to watch this show)

nakakatuwa. you really learn something new every day.

*

here's the rest of the song:

SHAME
[Written by J.H. Fitch & R. Cross]

(If we lose our love it's a shame)
(If we lose our love it's a shame)
(If we lose our love it's a shame)
(Mever gonna find it again no baby)
(If we lose our love it's a shame)
(Never gonna find it again no no no)

Shame
Burning keep my whole body yearning
You got me so confused it's a shame
Sometimes I think I'm going insane
Still I wanna stay
(Back in your arms that's where I wanna be)
Where I wanna be (Wanna be)
(Back in your arms that's my high)
High

Shame
Ooh my mamma says you're playing a game
And what you do to me is a shame
Ooh wouldn't wanna live through the pain
Mamma just don't understand

(Back in your arms that's where I wanna be)
Where I wanna be
(Wanna be)
(Back in your arms that's my high)
High

I can't get enough
(Ooh) Ooh baby enough of that magic touch
Love is in my heart, tearing the rules apart
So why should I be ashamed

Shame
Only love can beat the pain
And if we lose our love it's a shame
Ooh I wouldn't want to live with the pain
Gonna stay forever

(If we lose our love it's a shame)
Oh no
(If we lose our love it's a shame)
(Never gonna find it again no) no (no) no (no) no

I can't get enough
Ooh baby enough of that magic touch
Love is in my heart, tearing the rules apart

Ooh it's a ooh
(Shame)
Gonna stay forever
(Shame)
Only love can beat the pain
No no no
(Shame)
Mamma says you're playing a game
Mamma just don't understand
(Shame)
What you do to me is a shame!

*

i just have to say this to some colleagues and like-minded people in the west.

come on you guys, let's face it. the president of iran is clueless. is there any doubt? what did you expect? typical of him na e...

for those of you who don't know, he spoke in columbia u in ny and in one open forum declared that "there are no gays in iran." that even made its rounds a late night talk shows like jay leno's. which is funny, and i know for a fact, because not too long ago, i befriended a lesbian iranian, and she was just so amazed at how we here could literally walk the streets in tomas morato and hold hands like that, two girls obviously in love. and we listened to her stories of how inequality still exists in the realities where it hits the most. so to those in the diaspora, maybe it's a bit different for you guys, but back in the homeland, that's another story...

oh well. bilog ang mundo. iikot din yan to our favor.

soon!

so keep calm. and remain fabulous! chos.