deconstructing closets turned coffins

What can you say about a life that never had a chance to be lived? Lived out loud, lived in the open, and lived in peace, at peace, with one's being, choices, decisions. 

One could merely speculate.

When I outed myself back in the late '90s as a lesbian to my cousins, it's to react to a rather misogynistic post made by an older male cousin who's in the US military. Army or Navy I can't recall, but he's been there for a while. The post is just one of the maloko posts, like a picture of a jet/plane painted with some sexist shit, I think. Or homophobic, even, I can't recall anymore. Yeah, maybe it was some kind of gay-bashing, to be exact. The exercise is the equivalent of sharing FB posts or memes in your private egroup. In the late '90s and early 2000s, we cousins did that in a family yahoogroup. 

Of course, as a bourgeoning feminist, I won't have none of it. So I called him out, and in the process I outed myself. What if he was mocking lesbians, or women, and I happen to be both. I think I said something like that. So I asked for respect. And outed myself as an example. Would you malign me? Something like that.

Of course later in our annual year-end family reunions, it was a big topic. My sister and I have always said that the Linsangans had a faster network than the internet in spreading stories about whoever. And my outing was the big news of that season. Whoopteedo. Ugh.

Perhaps it's a matter of being uneducated much about the topic, or the world hasn't really Ellen-ified itself yet at that point -- or it hasn't trickled down to Pinoy culture yet -- but being LGBT is still such a scary topic to touch. Especially in a family that didn't have one rainbow carrier -- or so it seems. Maybe not having one that's obvious, I mean, for that outing produced four kinds of reactions from my relatives.

Reaction 1: The come-here-so-we-can-cure-you reaction.

I remember we were in the Provident Village house of my tita here in Marikina, one of the frequent venues of such reunions for it was big enough to hold all of us 7 families and sub-families down the generation line. I went to the long table where the food is served, and I think four female older cousins were there, huddled and talking about something. 

While I was deciding if I wanted to get fresh lumpia or not, one of them said "Huy Libay, 'lika nga rito... turuan ka namin maging tunay na babae. Hahahaha."

And in my mind I was like, oh, so I'm a fake woman now, just because I outed myself as a woman-loving-woman? Ah okay, sure, whatevs. 

I remember just smiling and walking away, munching on whatever it is that I put on my plate, stuffing my mouth with food in an attempt to not say anything scathing back at them. I kinda wanted to say sana "So nakaka-ilang tunay na orgasms na kayo sa life? Kasi kaming lesbians, ever single time, eh. Eh you?" But I didn't have enough raging lesbian-feminist energy that time, so I let it slip.

Reaction 2: The we're-laughing-behind-your-back reaction.

My mom was the second to the youngest of 8 siblings, so naturally I had nieces and nephews that were not too young I often mistake them as my cousins sometimes. One of them was a snarky little bitch, the daughter of an equally snarky cousin but wasn't bitchy at all to me or anyone. Maybe this niece got her bitch from her father's side, the good-for-nothing pogi tambay, her a product of unprotected neighborhood landian, you know the type. 

So this snarky bitch even had the gall to say, "Tita Libay, ano ka pala? Ano ka daw? Ano ka, eh. Ano... hahaha." It was like she was debating with herself -- as she was saying it to me -- if she'll tease me or not. And in my mind I was like, Child! Go back to where you came from. Not gonna interact with you, ever.

Reaction 3: The wish-I-were-you reaction.

That same reunion, I decided to just sit in corners and wait the whole event out until it's time to go home. But one of those corner hiding moments was disturbed by the wackiest cousin I had, the loudest even, and a bit bullying if you're an introvert or pikon, as she was a big joker and kidded everyone -- young and old alike -- without reverence to who she's poking fun at or anything of that sort. And it's always green joke central with her. 

With this kind of persona, you really can't tell if she's kidding you or not at a given moment. You know that kind? Yeah, we all had one of these in the family, right. That's why when she quietly sat beside me in that corner and told me she envied me because I can be who I am openly, I assessed like The Terminator assessing if he'll shoot a person if she's telling the truth or pulling my leg. After some time, I deduced that she was for real.

"Buti ka pa! Buti ka pa!" was her mantra on loop. Paulit-ulit ampotah. I didn't know exactly what she meant, so I asked bluntly. "Bakit, ikaw rin ba? Ano ka rin?!?!" And she beamed with pride that she could show me and only me, "OO 'no!" 

And then we got to discussing when she discovered she was one (high school pa lang daw o college yata, basta school-age post-puberty) and if she's sure (super-sure) and why she never pursued it. "Ano ka? Atakihin sa puso sina Mama, 'no!" Okay, so in a family where an unwanted pregnancy out of wedlock early in life won't warrant a parental heart attack but coming out as a lesbian would, okay then, so be it. 'Yan kayo, eh. 

And then I remember her changing her mantra on loop to "Galing! Ang galing! Galing! Tapang!" Paulit-ulit talaga ampotah ang kulit. But I suppose to someone who chose to closet herself for fear of losing many things, it was indeed a courageous effort. Sometimes I forget about that angle, given that, unlike her or some other relatives, I left home as soon as I could afford to live on my own, as soon as I could pursue being independent, 'yung ikaw ang bubuhay sa sarili mo ba. That kind. 

But maybe I'm just built differently than them, though. Or maybe I stopped subscribing to the usual societal scripts passed on from gen to gen in this society of ours that even a small show of independence is construed as an offense. It was her mother, after all, who also told me in a later reunion, this precious line: "Oy, may bahay kayo, bakit hindi ka dun umuuwi?" 

I swear, you can't make this shit up. 

Reaction 4: The we-don't-know-how-to-react reaction.

Of course, aside from these selected face-to-face reactions, there's always the behind your back reaction. And it has always been a given, for I understood that they don't perhaps know how to react to such a stimuli. Again, this is the late '90s, even early 2000s, and waving the rainbow flag is not as obvious as being pro-dictator's son and shit. 

*

Of course it's not all too bad. I indeed have some family members who were more welcoming than others, in ways they could show, albeit awkward. There were two memorable reactions here, as well, which took place way later already. And by way later, it was the late 2000s and mid-2010s na, when the world is slowly catching up to the better side of things. 

And also, I stopped attending those reunions after Reactions 1-4 happened. I only came back years later, for my mom's sake. And lo and behold, enlightenment of some sort. Ish.

Reaction 2.0 v1: The nice-to-meet-you reaction.

Of course it had to be my more enlightened cousins and cousins-in-law who welcomed my partner at that time with this greeting. [Also, did it matter na pare-pareho kaming UP graduates? Hahaha. Yes! In a way hehe. But I digress.] And it was genuine. 

Or maybe it was also baffling for them because they've always seen me as feminine-ish-presenting (i.e. an astig femme) when the Pinoy concept of the lesbian is merely the butch male-presenting pars na pars stereotype. And to bring to the party an equally feminine-presenting girlfriend in tow perhaps made it clear to them that I'm another kind of tomboy, you know. Whatever that kind is, I didn't care to dissect anymore at that point. Take it or leave it na lang, mga beh. Kebs na ko.

But still, I was glad to see their reactions. There's still hope. For some of them, at least. Kahit katiting.

Reaction 2.0 v2: The I'm-still-grappling-with-this-fact-but-you're-still-okay-naman reaction. 

I really can't fault some relatives if they can't cross over to the digital side of things and if they choose to live in analog, you know what I'm saying? To each their own. 

That's why it's funny when I brought my last partner and her kids to the reunion, the first time I did. And I labeled us as "rainbow family." But when an older cousin was mentioning us or calling us for the usual parlor games or such, she said, "O, Libay, sali kayo. And bring your... friend."

Hahaha that cracked me up. And just shrugged it off. Talagang may ellipsis pause siya pramis hahaha. We really can't expect progress from everyone. So gora lang. At least some of 'em are trying naman. Ten points for Gryffindor na lang.

*

Well, I suppose this flashback was triggered by the death of a cousin. Si Reaction 3. Stroke daw, but that's about all I know.

These later years, we've never really gotten together as a clan anymore, even years prior to the pandemic. Many of us have already left the country and stationed themselves in America or other parts of the world. And those who were left here also had their respective lives and networks of their own. So perhaps we don't have that old energy anymore of gathering up just like the old times. But that's actually okay. In fact, I only went to these shindigs in support of my mom. But even she is okay with not having these shindigs anymore. She's in touch with my titas anyway who are in the US (and yehey marunong na siyang mag-video chat sa messenger with them hihi), and some of them older titas already passed na. So I suppose that's that na, for her. And also for me. We see each other online, on Facebook, and that's okay naman na, I suppose.

Wala lang. I was merely wondering about Reaction 3, kasi from time to time, we still saw each other in the panaka-nakang reunions we have had before. She was telling me in secret where she "gets" her women na daw those days hahaha. Ang kulit pa rin ampotah. Prior to that, she was asking me where to meet women daw. Curious na si bakla that time siguro. That was the time of the makasaysayang Downelink of the aughts as I liked to call that site hahaha. Sabi ko mag-online siya dun, but I didn't think going online was her thing back then. Well, back before Facebook happened, anyway. And later, mukhang alam na rin ng iba sa fam 'yung tungkol sa kanya. Pero parang past fact na lang ang peg. Unrealized, kumbaga. Siya na rin mismo ang nagbabanggit. Or maybe dismissed na lang as the usual "lesbian phase" ganun. It's easier to digest in society kasi. Or easier to shrug off. Well, whatever works for her, I suppose. And the others.

And when her mom died and I went to visit with my partner then, 'yung dinala ko sa reunion as my rainbow fam ek, I saw na naman that spark in my cousin's eyes, the Reaction 3 spark. The wish-I-were-you spark. She was extra warm to me, and extra warm to my ex-partner. I suppose part of her had a coulda-woulda-shoulda moment in her. Now that her parents are gone, could she? Will she? Should she? I never knew anymore, for the clan already drifted apart, save for these occasional small-ish gatherings for a purpose or other. Well, mostly lamay. 

It's just strange that in this day and age pa rin pala, one could just go from the closet to the coffin. This really tells me that we still have a long way to go. As a culture, perhaps it's hard to reconcile being an LGBT member in the modern age and a Filipino trapped in traditional thinking. Even if some of us have it easy, easier pa nga, there are still some who still keep this thing under lock and key. 

And this is why I think we still have a long way to go regarding this advocacy. Eto nga't we're still grappling with sexist shit -- state-sanctioned at that -- what more homophobic shit, di ba? Hay naku, such is society. Kaya we all better vote the proper people this time. And maybe if some of us still remain to live in analog ways in the digital realm, that's okay -- for as long as there's also that good old-fashioned respect, and perhaps understanding, of why some people are the way they are, then that's good enough an existence. Live in harmony, and just don't step on other people's rights to be free, happy, and real. 

Respect pa rin. Don't just tolerate; understand. Anyway...

So long, cuz. RIP. Rakenrol ka na dyan, wherever you are. ☮

a time to cast away stones

Soundtripping in between work duties this afternoon since my head has been feeling woozy, lightheaded but heavy at the same time. Have you had days like that? I have. Hashtag story of my life. And now, blogging while waiting for a Skype ka-meeting to go online.

I'm quoting one of my favorite songs there in the title, by the Byrds.






I grew up listening to many types of music, thanks to the musical tastes of my relatives -- from my Mom's love for Abba and the like, my Papa's love for the Beatles, their love for Elvis Presley, my own discovery of Motown, my titas' varying pop culture tastes, even my Lola's kundiman classics. I guess I'm a well-rounded child growing up.

But this Vietnam war protest era song stuck to me when I heard it when I was a teen, moreso when I was becoming a young adult, as I heard it again in the soundtrack for Forrest Gump. 

"Turn! Turn! Turn!"

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late!

I grew up with that quote in our house, actually. The chorus is from a Bible quote, and that quote was engraved in my mind ever since I saw it displayed atop our turntable in our living room. Nope, my parents aren't that religious, so someone must've given that as a gift to the couple, some Christmas token of sorts, maybe, or an office exchange gift. No harm in displaying it.

Still rings true today, its messaging. To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. And last night was, I suppose, the beginning of a new season of reawakening for me. 

I've had varying thoughts flurrying around my brain after I met up with my father-side cousins and aunts, where my Mom was present but my Papa was absent. I spent the night recollecting a few issues, thoughts, and incidents to my sweetheart, those connected to/with the people she just met during that afternoon (I brought her with me during the family hangout in my new niece's baptism of sorts).  

I guess waking up today with some of those flurries hanging above my head gave me the woozy feeling. It's quite hard to retell, these stories, but what I want to share is, perhaps, the aftermath of the reflections. And here they are: That I should be able to shake off some cobwebs in my soul more, those that have been sticking to me since time immemorial, which sometimes hamper my inner growth of sorts. I suppose the new year also brings you this timing of reevaluation, and they couldn't have come at a better time.

Sometimes it's hard to face the music about certain truths that still pain you in your life. But we really have to be stronger, and we really have to evolve more. We are, after all, still works-in-progress of this vast universe, and we have to be more open to reassess every project we find ourselves in. 

And sometimes, it really is time to gather stones together, but not to throw them at someone, but to throw them away rather. For the backpack of your life could only carry so much weight. And yes, the project has always been one and the same: travel light.

How long 'til my soul gets it right, as another singing group croons. I guess in a lifetime, one would never know. But one could always try trying. Always try. 

Happy Monday, folks. Have an enlightened week ahead. I know I will. 

the thank you list

In less than ten hours, I'll be passing another earthly milestone in this universe: turning 42. While I'm still freshly near the bigger milestone that is 40, I thought I'd make a quick list of things that I am grateful for, so far, in this surprisingly fantastic life I'm having.

1. Thank goddess I'm still alive.

I've had friends, colleagues, acquaintances and relatives who passed away too soon, in this lifetime. A younger cousin, a UP Baguio writer's workshop co-fellow, and lately a professor colleague who encouraged me not to leave teaching, to name a few. Why one's life journey ends while others continue remains a mystery that doesn't require us to solve. It's just like that, and so be it. 

That's why I'm thanking the universe that I remain alive up to this point. Because there was a time when I wish I weren't. I even wrote a short story about it. Hell, that short story even won me my first Palanca, you know. But those thoughts, thankfully, remain in my literature, and not in my real life. Because there's so much to live for, apparently, and so much to experience, accomplish, and feel. And I'm glad I still have the chance to do all those, now.

What an "interesting" way of reminding you about life 

than writing about death, particularly those 

lost in tragedy. Gives you another way of looking 

at life, loss, and the world between it. 

[November 2014 Yolanda book launch in Ortigas]

2. Thank you courage and kickass-ery.

I don't know where I get it, but I thank the universe that I have some form of courage to do the things I did in my life, to stay in situations when I should have left, and to leave even when others said stay. It takes guts to pick up and leave, and it takes guts to stay put as well. 

Also, there are some instances when you needed more than courage -- you needed to be kickass. So I also thank the universe for developing some kickass-ery in me, this creature who started out as an introvert in her early life. Who would have thought, pare? 'Yan ang lagi kong naiisip kapag napapaisip ako sa mga sinuong kong kung anu-ano sa buhay na ito. Glad I came out of them alive, in one piece, and sane. Not to mention fabulous, but I'm already bragging na. So stop.

Yumu-UN lola mo. Yun na! 

Courage also meant weaving in and out 

of different work industries and sectors in this lifetime,

and enjoying every bit of experience along the way.

[November 2014 At the 

UN Convention Center in Bangkok, Thailand]

3. Thank you, open-mindedness.

What I learned in the last two decades of my life is that no matter how solid you think your beliefs, principles and foundations are, there is always room to wiggle in some stuff that could enhance those beliefs, principles and foundations. And there will always be room to deconstruct some of those pillars without destroying the whole system structure. The key here is having an open mind. And boy, was my mind open or what! From job decisions to personal paradigm shifts, I don't think I could have accumulated the snippets of lessons I have if my mind were not that open to begin with. I'm glad it was. Still is! 

Open-mindedness certainly helped me answer 

the questions in last year's guesting sa show ni Kuya Boy. 

[June 2014 at ABS-CBN studios]

4. Thank you family, relatives and silent supporters

I'm also thankful that my nuclear family is still around and very supportive of all the efforts I've been doing in my life. I am extra lucky that there is no issue about being queer in my nuclear family. My mom, pop and sis get it. Some relatives get it, too. And for those relatives who don't, I'm still thankful that they're there by blood relations only, so don't force me to have friendly relations with you as well, especially if you talk about me behind my back.

And those I don't know but who cheer me on and who are supportive of the things I do, read the art I create, or are genuinely happy for me when they practice being quiet spectators of my life, thanks din sa inyo. 

Isaw date with my mum. Yum! 

[2014 somewhere in Marikina]

5. Thank you friendsheeps of all sorts

What I've learned in this life is that you can't really have a steady stream of friends that will stick with you through thick and thin. That's because they also have their own issues and struggles to mind, so sometimes they have no time, energy or effort left to mind yours. Early in this life, I've had this steady stream but once opportunities came their way, they were too eager to abandon solid trust for anything that they glorified more. Money? Fame? Power? Credentials? I don't know. I guess I invested in the wrong people early in my life, treated some friends as my chosen family, only to be hurt by them, one by one, bit by bit. 

But I think they all serve a purpose, these friends, ex-friends, soon to be friends. People appear in your life when you need to learn a lesson, need your hand to be held, need your head to be challenged, need your soul to be stabled. And if they have done their role, then exit frame na sila. Ganyan lang naman talaga yata ang mga tao sa buhay mo, may panahong kailangan na silang mag-curtain call. And for those who have been sticking for far longer than you thought they originally would, be thankful na lang na they're still there.

So thanks, you guys. Big hug from moi.

Sapphic silverbelles in the Summer capital. 

[April 2015 Baguio City]

6. Thank you, brain.

Sometimes we take it for grated that we have a fully functioning brain that was able to withstand challenges in the academic and emotional fields. Even psychological or mental. Lalo na doon siguro. Kaya buti na lang at biniyayaan ako ng ganitong uri ng utak, na kayang magproseso, tumanggap, mag-isip, mag-muni-muni, at lumikha.    

Art meets advocacy in this anthology of LGBT writings. 

Buy the book! [August 2014 UP CWS]

7. Thank you, pag-ibig.

I guess it was a lucky call to not give up on love once more at the time I did. Or maybe it's called taking another chance. Like I've said in this space, I have no problem naman with being single. But it was really nice that I was able to gamble one last time with this thing called love, to see where a new journey could lead me, hand in hand with someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated in this lifetime.

At para sa mga inibig kong di pumatok, salamat na rin dahil walang katapusang materyal ang binibigay niyo sa aking inspirasyon para lumikha. Hihihi. Char! 

Matamis. Minsan strawberry. Minsan love life.  

Madalas ako at siya. Yihiiii!

[April 2015 Baguio city market]

8. To the girl who gets it

Thank you for being The Girl Without An Agenda to being The Girl Who Gets It. Andiyan ka lang pala sa tabi-tabi ng Marikina din. Bakit ngayon ka lang dumating sa buhay ko, sabi nga ng kanta. Siyempre charot yan, kasi if you arrived during the time the universe introduced us for the first time, hindi pa hinog ang bungang matamis nating tinatamasa ngayon. Salamat sa unang halik. Unli kiss ang kapalit niyan.

Nakakatawa pero nung isang araw ko pa iniisip 'yung dati kong listahan ng kung ano ba dapat ang minimum requirements ko sa isang partner. Sa listahang ito, may tumataginting namang pumasa dati, pero nawasak din paglaon ang samahang iyon. Ang pinagkaiba siguro ng checklist na iyon noon sa ngayon ay: wala nang masyadong compromise 'yung mga answers ko ngayon. Kumbaga, mas matured na siya, mas learned, mas wise. And most of all, mas peaceful siguro. 

To check those requirements sa isang partner:
-- dapat malambing sya.
-- dapat hindi siya praning
-- dapat out siya
-- dapat koboy siya
-- dapat hindi siya classist matapobre freak kundi patient and tolerant of differences
-- dapat into the arts siya, o naiintindihan niya ang importance ng arts
-- dapat sensitive siya sa needs mo
-- dapat honest siya sa feelings niya sa yo
-- dapat matino at masarap kausap
-- dapat tanggap niya kung ano ka
-- dapat she is a woman of her word. at walang third party. kahit ex-turned-friend pa man niya yun.
-- dapat hindi siya sinungaling
-- at dapat, gagawa siya ng effort para magwork ang relationship niyo.

Ikaw lahat iyan. This time, I have a feeling na mas malaki-laki at mas profitable ang ROI ko sa investment na ito, this time around. Dahil ikaw ikaw. Kaya salamat sa pagiging ikaw. Hashtag three hearts.

My statement shirts never lie. Ever. 

[2014 somewhere in SM City North EDSA]

9. Salamat, Pilipinas.

Ilang beses na kitang inisip iwanan, sa totoo lang. Pero may certain seduction kang kumakapit sa akin. Ilang bansa na rin ang napuntahan ko, at lagi kitang kinukumpara sa kanila, for better or for worse. Pero ngayon ko lang napagtanto na masaya din naman palang nanatili ako rito. Ito 'yung bahagi ng pinasasalamatan kong courage to stay sa itaas. Kasi kahit anong nangyayari sa iyo dati at ngayon, nandito pa rin ako. At salamat na rin naman, kahit minsan ay hindi masaya dito. Ewan ko ba, pero may hindi ako maipaliwanag na bond sa iyo, pero I'm also thankful that that bond exists. Saka ko na lang ide-decipher kung ano iyon. Probably isaw at crispy pata ang main ingredients nun. And beaches. But I speculate.

Yes, it's the pata. Sankapa! 

[2014 at Livestock QC]

10. Salamat, nega.

Sabi nga ng tattoo ni Angelina Jolie, what nourishes me destroys me. Buti na lang at hindi ako ganun. Well, except siguro kung nasosobrahan ako ng pagkain ng crispy pata. Sabi rin naman ng kanta ni Regine Velasquez, you make me stronger by breaking my heart. Doon relate ako. Kasi sa dami ng hurdles na kailangang talunin sa buhay, buti na lang at long-legged ang lola mo kaya kinakaya naman. 

There's always a way of learning from bad things. In fact, it's best to learn from the bad than the good, because you get creative in thinking about strategies and ways of scrutinizing and avoiding the bad. So okay na rin at may quota ng nega na dumating sa buhay na ito. Kasi kung walang nega, hindi mo rin maa-appreciate ang positive. Kaya good vibes just the same. Saka natututo ka rin to manage the nega. Negatrons transform! na lang ang peg -- transform to be a better fighter. 

Suwerte-suwerte lang kapag nakakasapul. 

O kaya may skill na kaakibat. 

Huwag kalimutan ang bow and arrow na lang. 

[2014 at Gandiva Cafe Ortigas]

*

There are more things to be thankful for, at mauubos ang blog na ito kung ililista nating lahat. But for the magic 42, this will do. 

For now.

See you on the other side. 

 Ang life parang photography. Shoot lang ng shoot. 

Develop from the negatives. Take nothing but great memories. 

Etch those images in your mind. 

[May 1999 somewhere in Dumaguete]

reassigning coping

Ayoko munang mag-Facebook lately for a million reasons as usual but I think the foremost is this one: nalulungkot akong nakikita ang pighati ng ibang tao kasi namatayan sila. Kami pala. Kakamatay lang ng isa kong tita, malayong tita kasi ang lola ko sa fatherside, tiya niya. So pang-ilang tita ko na siya? Di ko alam paano magbilang ng ganun pero basta 'yun, tita ko siya.

Siguro nandoon ang tita kong kapatid ng tatay ko, pati tatay ko yata at nanay ko pupunta siguro doon, sa wake o libing I'm not sure. Parang ayokong pumunta saka di na naman ako inoobliga pati ng parents ko na sumama sa kanila sa ganyan. Basta andun sila, represented na.

Pero siyempre iba pa rin siguro na nandun dapat ako. Ito kasing tita kong ito, si Tita Sioning, madalas dati sa bahay ni lola dumadaan nung bata ako. At saka nung nag-college na ko, lo and behold namang matagpuan ko siyang nagtatrabaho pala siya doon mismo sa Motion Picture Department ng Philippine Information Agency or PIA for you folks na too young to remember that once upon a time, the then UP Film Department had a working relationship with PIA at libre o may huge discount kami sa pagpapa-process ng mga pelikula namin doon na gawa sa school, mga 16mm mostly, tapos we can use their editing suites and flatbeds doon to edit our works, siyempre yung film lab nila will process the negatives and positives etc. Yes, PIA, the same agency where Hollywood director Oliver Stone also had his footage of Platoon processed and stuff, nung nandito sila noon to shoot that Vietnam-set film with an unknown bit player then named Johnny Depp kasama sa cast. Doon din yata niya pina-lab yung Born on the Fourth of July nung nag-shoot sila dito sa Vigan noon nina Tom Cruise. Anyway yeah, PIA was a big deal then. Too bad celluloid film died na. I miss it. 

And that's where my Tita Sioning worked. Nagkagulatan pa kami noon. Showbiz talaga yata ang pupuntahan ko kasi di ko knows na marami akong relatives na nasa periphery ng industriyang ito. But to her, Tita Sioning just considers herself a happy government employee, ganun. Yung mga moments na nawawala ako dun sa loob ng lab o kaya nalilito na kaming film groupmates sa billing ng cashier, Tita Sioning has this beaming big smile when I come up to her sometimes for help. And that eases me somehow, kasi actually, Tita Sioning hugely reminds me of my lola, my lola na parang second nanay ko na dahil sa kanya nga ako lumaki. My lola na, mula noong namatay siya sa Canada some 10 years ago na mahigit yata, hindi ko pa nadadalaw ang puntod niya, hanggang ngayon. Kaya parang ayokong makita ang anumang condolence stuff nila kay Tita Sioning, kasi naaalala ko rin si lola ko doon. At naiiyak ako dahil diyan. 

Film school days, when film really meant shooting using film, and digital was just for clocks. 

Happy memories na lang ang panghawakan na peg. Hindi pa ko tomboy diyan 

pero mahilig na ko sa flannel polos kamusta naman. And so therefore!

[Teresa, Rizal 1995 during my undergrad thesis film shoot]

Saka I guess I have this thing about mortality and growing old. Well, dati pa naman. As much as lolo and lola figures are endearing to me and/or find me endearing, may something sa back of my mind about losing that body and figure you have, succumbing not only to gravity but to mortality as well. Yes, I guess takot ako na hindi immortal ang mga tao. Something like that.

Noong huli kasi kaming nagkita nina Tita Sioning, two years ago yata 'yun, kasi a relative from the father side was here sa bansa, Fil-Am galing US. I can't believe how she has deteriorated in body and health. But she still has that wonderful beaming smile kahit na nag-deteriorate na ang body and face niya, pati 'yung happy spark sa mata niya tuwing ngingiti, andun pa rin. And it really reminds me of my lola. Malaki talaga ang hawig nila. Tapos medyo na-freak out ako nun when she looked at me earnestly then, nung nag-beso at hug ako sa kanya sa resto kung saan kami nagpunta, tapos nakangiti pa rin siya sa akin and she said "Matanda na ako, 'no neneng?" or something like that. I forgot what term of endearment she used to call me, pero parang ganun, something like little girl or something, like how my Ilocano lolo would use ading for us kids. Batanggenya sina lola so walang term pero parang ganun.

Matanda na ako. Ewan ko. That really struck me. At medyo nalungkot ako doon, na makita ang mga tao ng kabataan ko to succumb to stuff like that. Like how lolo's matipuno stance became hunched when he succumbed to his diabetic complications couple of years back. Yeah even him, di ko pa rin nadadalaw doon sa Canada since he passed away. That will be one trip for two closures.

Well, inevitable naman ang tumanda, I know. It's just that I don't want to be reminded of it lang siguro. Like whenever my mom would drag me to bank errands lately dahil pinapapalitan na nila ng tatay ko ang mga bank kyeme kyeme to reflect my name na and my sister's and stuff. Lagi ko nga jino-joke nanay ko, tuwing hihirit siya ng "Para pag sakaling may nangyari sa amin--" tapos hihiritan ko ng joke na "Ma, ang morbid naman waaah!" tapos babatukan niya ako at tatawa kami, then back to business na naman sa transaksiyon, na ako naman eh okay fine just show me where to sign lang ang peg. Pero still, ayoko pa ring isipin. Basta, may ganun.

Kaya parang nire-realign ko na lang kung anuman ang kelangan kong maramdaman ngayon sa pagkamatay ni Tita Sioning ko. Ayoko ngang pumunta na sa wake, at 'wag na nga lang daw sabi ni mommy. So I'm just trying to drown myself with work na lang muna this weekend to get my mind off that na rin, and I'll offer a prayer for her na lang maybe sometime this week or maybe next week if I attend the next service sa MCC. Anniv month pala nila this month kaya aatak ako dun sometime to listen to my lezpastora friend and stuff. 

Kaya maybe sometimes it's best to just reassign your grief into something else, something more productive. I know that's easier said than done pero it's best din that I have looming deadlines that make me haul my ass out in bed and stop thinking about these things and just do the work para mabayaran na. Was so tempted nga to call the friend who texted kung ano daw rampage ko last night, if meron, at mukhang makiki-rampage ang mga lola. Kung wala lang akong deadlines, siguro, rampage kami somewhere, chika-chika like the last time we saw each other nung nagpa-typhoon relief drive kyeme siya sa aming mga biyaning. Anyway maybe soon, another gathering of the sort would happen. Actually bukas nga pala meron, para dito sa aking nybff who's in town at ang good ol' peyups sappho gang ay magkikitakits ulit somewhere in kyusi. Yeah, that would take my mind off things, methinks. So there.

But anyway, I'll stay put for now, but I'm not forgetting it. Happy trails to the heavens, Tita Sioning, at i-hug mo na lang ako ng bonggang-bongga kina lola at lolo sa kitakits niyo. Salamat po.

of mats and neutral vulnerabilities

If there's one thought that will profoundly "hound" me in the next few days, it may be this: never mind if the devil is in the details, for there will always be the god of small things.

A mishmash thought from a myriad of thoughts harvested in the last two weeks, particularly this past one, coming from many points of view. Caught up with two good friends that framed my weekdays last week: the Monday debriefing helped me analyze and break down the necessary elements of a recent event that made me see things beyond my lenses could reach; and the Friday recap also made me realize the multiplicities of personalities and the relevance of my dipping into different gene pools, so to speak. In between, online chitchats with a good friend overseas also helped me solidify some wobbly thoughts in reference to my history, something the Friday soul-defrag session also provided. It was quite interesting for me to learn something that I rarely see of myself, and for that, I am grateful to these friends of mine who are willing to hold up this mirror in front of my face from time to time. Thank you.

Saturday brunch was also a blessing. Nauna na ang "Sunday sermon" ko from my lezzie pastora friend hehe, a session we often do anyway for each other, depending on who needs it. Since she also knows my recent history, I loved how she was able to lay out things in a more, let's just say, omniscient perspective. In particular, I also like how she references familiar stories from the Bible, this time featuring the story of that sick person who was always lying on his mat beside this magical pool that's supposed to heal people each time an angel descends on it from time to time. Since he always misses the chance to dip into the pool, he remains in his mat, waiting for his turn to be healed. That is, until Jesus approached him and ordered him, just ordered him, to get up, pick up his mat, and walk away. Which he did, just like that. A miracle, if it's going to be read in that holy manner. Maybe it's a sensible miracle, you know, because it also has something to do with us recognizing that we could also help heal ourselves without relying on outside divine interventions too much.

I like that story, particularly how my friend pointed out to me that some people are just way too comfortable and too attached to our mats that we don't recognize other ways of being healed, or being helped. Because help comes in different shapes, in different forms, in different circumstances, that we don't have to rely on huge-ass grand production-level types of help arriving our way. For wherever there is goodness, justice and all things nice as my friend said, God will always be there, too. The god of small things nga daw eh, to borrow Arundhati Roy's famous book title. Indeed, God is in the small things. And if people don't realize that, then it truly is their loss, for they like remaining in their mats. And I happen to believe that, as well. Wherever there's beauty, goodness, justice, equality, there is a benevolent supreme being of a kind out there. I just don't like associating the supreme being to just the god of the Christian/Catholic context perhaps, but that doesn't mean I don't believe in a supreme being, because I do -- that's the universe for me. You say towmaytow, I say tohmahtoh, c'est tout. You say god, I say universe. Capiche? D'accord.

Well, theological discourses aside, I just like how the soul-defragging sessions went. To see that in each of us, there is a kind of neutral vulnerability also happening, as my friend pointed out, is something that I had to be reminded of, time and again, maybe more so now since I am older. Like you're open and hurt, but also, you're feeling okay and on the brink of being healed, but maybe energies are low that you just tend to succumb to the negative side of things instead of holding onto the positive outcomes the catalyst might bring. Something to that effect. Parang nasa gitna ka pa ng pagpapagpag ng mga nega kaya para kang vulnerable sa marami pang bagay na puwedeng itapon sa iyo, na masasaktan ka pero alam mong hindi na dapat, or something. I don't know if I'm explaining it right, but the concept caught me, and I like it. Neutral vulnerability. Like you're weak, yes, but you're still not down and out, or something. I guess this is also akin to being thrown a curve ball by life, only to find yourself struggling with the bat and how best to hit the darn ball -- if you decide to hit it at all, that is. Something like that. 

Because love is not blind. 

Woe to those who ignore to see it, though.

Not to label one's self as messianic, or having a hero complex, or superhero complex pa nga sabi ni isang friend, pero it's not really about trying to rescue someone in need, as my friends also surfaced. That's just the superficial level. It's more of being there for a person in need, because you love her. And you do whatever it takes to show this love, to help her when she needs it, and all those things that make up those vows couples recite in holy unions. It was just all about love, and loving. I guess it's also about how this love is manifested, which then leads to the characterization of being messianic or hero-like. But frankly, it's just not really about that. Characterizations are made by others about a particular character. It's not the character per se that defines himself or herself, most of the time. But as the philosophy major of a friend pointed it out as well, of course we have this tendency to help because we get something out of it -- we feel good about ourselves when we help, and we feel good when we help those we love. And sometimes, it's really just that simple. But I guess some people tend to misread that kind of help as well, which is also actually typical, given the type of thought-processing each individual has. So okay, to be labeled as such -- messianic, having a superhero complex -- that I could take. But of course, deep down, I know it's just all about loving, that's all. That's how I love, and as a friend pointed out, minsan ang sarap ko na nga daw batukan dahil masyado akong mabait, pero alam niyang kailangan at kinailangan ko namang gawin ang mga ginawa ko. So ganun lang kasimple, I guess. Kinailangan, at ginusto. 

'Yan lang naman yata lagi ang bottomline. Love, but don't let pride make iral your life. 

Something. Salamat sa rainbow pasalubong beks.

Kumplikado talaga minsan pag-usapan ang buhay, ugali at pag-ibig. Kaya suwerte ko at marami rin akong kausap sa buhay na introspective in this manner, na may capacity to read between the lines and to dissect that which needs to be dissected, and no sugarcoating of results and feedback given back to me. A friend I haven't seen in ages also told me this observation: na baka kailangan, ang love life ay supplementary lang sa main life mo. Of course that's coming from a super-busy with her business kind of person, but it also goes beyond being just plainly workaholic. We've always had this stance naman ever since na if it's there, it's there and if it's not, then it's not. At okay lang to go on with life without having that love aspect lord over you all the time. Especially now that I just stepped into a major intersection of my life -- turning 40 -- and coupling that with leaving an old career -- careers pa nga -- in order to find other things to do in life, or more importantly, focus more on that thing that you love doing the most, which is writing for me. At isa pa nga daw iyan, sabi ni pastora. We all have different ways of "praying" daw, and me recording life the way I do -- writing, journaling -- is also a form of prayer, because not everyone could do everything everyone does. In short, lahat tayo may specialty, at kung may ino-offer kang goodness sa mundo sa pamamagitan ng talento mo o kakayahan -- pagtuturo, pagkanta, o anupaman -- then it could also be a form of "prayer" daw. Again, God being in the "small" things we do in life. Lahat tayo may roles sa buhay, at walang may monopolya lang kung paano tayo magko-contribute ng kabutihan sa mundo kumbaga. Kaya we don't really believe much in the righteous, in those groups that say sila lang ang may all-access pass papuntang langit, na sila lang ang papasok sa pearly gates. Na iba pang diskurso nga yan, na napagchikahan din namin ni pastora, na humaba pa ulit hahaha. Ganyan kami mag-usap, patalun-talon, kung saan may akma, reference lang ng reference hehe.  

Ever-grateful for nuggets na nagets from pastora, 

aside from these pasalubongs from her faith-based trip.

But still, the point is there, and very well taken. Pastora also reminded me na 40 pala ang audition age to become a babaylan. Kaya baka itong purging of things in my life daw ngayon ay may pagka-babaylanic in nature. Not to say na magiging high priestess moda ako, but maybe more of trying to realign myself to be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound chever, taking my life in a totally new direction where I've never been, never did, never thought of. Ito na 'yung tunay na hit reset life button kumbaga, sabi nga niya, with a dash of eat pray love subplot na puwedeng sundan/gawin. Ilan na rin ang nagsabi sa akin niyan recently, and nararamdaman ko rin naman nga iyan, na paparating na, mula last year pa. Siguro, ang pagkakamali ko nga lang ay may mishmash lang ako ng dalawang myths na sinubukan ko lately: that I shouldn't have tried to design a picket fence around the fortress of solitude, for the myths don't match. Maybe the concept of having a family has to take a back seat for now, until I find someone who's willing to become part of that family, wholeheartedly and sincerely. And I have to be on this fortress more in order to harness whatever it is that I need to still harness in this lifetime. Something like that. Nakakatuwang kausap ang mga kaibigan ko, malawak ang referencing namin, mula bibliya patungong pilosopiya hanggang hagingan ng pop culture, ano? Biyaya talaga sila sa akin, sa totoo lang. Muli, maraming salamat. Yakap sa inyong lahat. 

And to cap last week, I also went to my cousin's despedida party. It's her family's real reset life button activating already, for they will up and leave Pinas to partake in a European life naman. And to talk to this cousin of mine, one of my kindred spirits in the family (which is rare, mind you), and discuss life changes and just moving on and taking chances and crossing fingers and praying for callbacks and such, that just rejuvenated me more, man. In an awesome, awesome, awesome way. Excited din to talk of plans of maybe visiting them there soon, so that's another adventure that needs to be bookmarked. For sure!

Bidding bon voyage to my cousin's fam, sume-selfie with my niece. 

Also happy to interact with kids. Always makes me happy.

Oo, tila maraming pinaparamdam at pinapadalang signposts ang kalawakan sa akin lately. Minsan nga, marami na masyado kaya overwhelming to face them all at the same time. Pero as always, we still take things one thing at a time, one day at a time, one thought at a time. Kaya more than fear and doubt, excitement is around the corner. Because this is already life, at 40, rewriting things for me. And I only have one thing to say to that: more ink, please!

Tipa lang ng tipa beks. Arriba! Or should I say allez! :)

Let's drink to life. As always. Kampai!

Grab. Jump. Be.

Kamusta namang ang pambungad na blog ng bagong taon ay tungkol sa pagkawala agad. 

Wala lang, nakakalungkot at nakakabigla lang din kasi kapag may tumatambad sa iyong balitang namatay na si ganun o si ganyan. Lalo na kapag may rele sila sa buhay mo.

Nitong linggong ito lang, early this week if I remember it right, si Susanna yung dati kong bossing na Malaysian sa Isis feminist NGO ay nag-post sa FB na namatay na daw yung isang kaibigan niyang Malaysian feminist din, si Yin San, na mas bata sa kanya at medyo kabatak ko rin ng konti. Nung huli kaming nagkita ni Yin San, andito siya sa Pinas dahil gagawa siya ng docu film tungkol sa women in politics kaya tumutulong ako sa kalakaran. Pero bigla siyang nahinto kasi daw kelangan niyang umuwi dahil sa treatment. Cancer yata ito, sa breast din tulad ni Susanna before, na na-treat naman yata. Sadly, di yata naagapan kay Yin San. Kaya ayun, wala na siya.

Kaninang umaga naman, nakakuha ako ng email tungkol sa isa sa mga best profs ko sa film undergrad ko, si Ma'am Ellen, namayapa na rin. Cancer din siya, matagal na. Di na yata kinaya ng katawan ang treatment. Napasulat nga tuloy ako ng blog tungkol sa kanya sa academic blog ko. Marami ring nagkomento nang i-post ko ito sa FB. Malungkot indeed.

Goes to show that life indeed is short, folks. Kaya kung may nega man, kelangang alpasan natin ito. Tulad nung Biyernes ng gabi, nakipagkita ako at ang isang kaibigan sa isa pang kaibigan dahil heartbroken. Nakipag-break ang jowa niya sa kanya via -- wait for it -- a text message. How idiotic. Over some beers, we were able to characterize this heartbreaker naman at mabuti na-lift namin ang spirits nitong heartbroken. When we were able to piece together a bad puzzle na we said she should be glad it's done, she said "Then it truly is a happy new year." Of course. New year, new beginnings. Lagi namang dapat ganun ang peg. I hope she'll be alright na.

I'm also glad to have interacted with people that matter over the yuletide holidays who are not based here anymore. My sister from California came home and left after the first week of this month. Same with my girlfriend who works abroad. Brief but meaningful encounters naman pareho with these two women I value in my life. Couldn't be happier.

Hanging out with my sis and my cuz in Malate. Glad this happened. 

Helped me pagpag family nega with them. The Persian food also rocked.

But there was also a test of my zen mode when another balikbayan came home, but I limited my interaction with her. I think some issues could remain unresolved for a peaceful coexistence na lang. That was the bottomline there. Like I said, minimize the nega na lang, for a better life. Yes, sometimes you really have to choose your battles. Choose to interact with people that make you happy na lang. If not, then kebs.

Also opening the month are good news and hopeful opportunities. Actually, bago pa man nag-wrap up ang taon last year, may mga clues na. Ang isa dun ay travel. My paper got chosen sa isang international conference in Asia kaya may travel na naman tayo in that manner this year. Sana nga maganap ito. Tapos reigniting some old feminist media involvement again na kahit wa datung, happy naman ang mga interaksyones na nagaganap. Beneficial pa rin naman ito for the soul.

Grab by the horn lang lagi beks. Saka let's see where the wind blows this time, this year. This will be a year of many changes for me. Big time. Pinaghahandaan ko na. And I actually can't wait for all of them to happen. Kaya abang-abang na lang tayo at darating din 'yan.

May bago nga pala akong tattoo. Finally, nagpa-tatt kami sabay ni mahal. Ang saya! Bonding. Ang saket! Siyempre. Pero ganda na naman nung gumaling na. At eto, nag-iisip na naman ako ng next tattoo hehe. Pareho daw kami ng design sabi niya. Now that must be love hehe. Sige isip muna ng design. 

Ikaw, kamusta ang new year mo so far? Sana masaya din. Let's make the most out of it. Life is short. Ang dami pang kelangang gawin sa buhay. Let's rock and roll!

Here we go!

like it's the last night of the world

Sometimes when you sit alone at home and stare out into the world, you can't help but wonder where it will actually end, all of it, and when. The Mayans weren't able to predict it correctly. Perhaps nobody can.

Can you?

Sometimes I stare out into the world and try to feel where I should go. Sometimes I wonder where I should be. But most times, I just question why am I here, in this spot, at this certain point in time. Yes, sometimes overthinking kills the hell out of me.

But that's not why I'm writing here. I'm writing here to get a grip of myself. I want to see if the mixture of emotions I've been having this whole month is still here. Sometimes the mix is good, sometimes it's not. It all depends on what I use to contain it. Shaken, not stirred, as James Bond always says. Yes, they leave me shaken up a bit, even if I don't give a stir. Crazy that.

Life is just one big bar. What's your poison of choice? As for the bartender, it's a dash of melancholia, on the rocks.

Sometimes I wish that deleting bad feelings is 

as easy as deleting finished appointments 

in your smartphone. For cleaner internal 

hard drive storage. But no.

*

Akala ko, all this time, ako lang ang nakakaramdam ng ganito, nakakaranas ng alaala kung kailan masaya ang Pasko, at kung kelan ito huminto sa pagiging masaya. Maraming tao ang nag-aakalang Scrooge lang ako. Di nila alam na malalim ang back story nito. 

At nagulat ako noong isang araw nang madiskubre kong di lang pala ako ang nag-iisip ng back story na ito.

Ang pinsan kong bagong kasal, noong reception nila, nang nagbibigay na silang mag-asawa ng pasasalamat, nagulat ako nang banggitin niyang "may Pasko ulit sa Project 4." Muli kasing umuwi ang kapatid kong nasa America na at ang Tita kong nasa Canada na, para sa kasal niya. Grabe, nagulat ako sa komento. Doon kasi talaga nakaangkla lahat para sa akin. Sa side ng tatay ko, ako ang unang apo, paborito daw ni Lola, sa bahay niya kung saan ako lumaki. Maliit pa lang ako nang ipanganak itong pinsan kong ito. Ang nanay niya ang pinakabatang kapatid ng tatay kong panganay. Parang nakatatandang kapatid ko lang ang nanay niya. Kaya laging ang Pasko, sa bahay ng Lola ko, sa Project 4.

Masamang magkumpara, oo, pero mas masaya lagi ang Pasko dito sa bahay ng Lola ko. Ewan ko ba kung bakit. Siguro kasi halos mga kabatak ko ang mga pinsan ko dito na mas bata sa akin lahat. Di tulad sa pamilya ng nanay ko na ikalawa sa bunso na walong magkakapatid. Kaya lahat halos ng pinsan ko sa kabila, matanda na rin. May mangilan-ngilan akong kabatak dito pero ewan ko ba kung bakit parang mas feel ko ang Pasko sa kabila. Dahil na rin siguro iyon kay Lola, saka kay Lolo.

Nang ipetisyon ni Ninang ko sina Lolo at Lola noong kolehiyo ako, doon na huminto ang Pasko sa Project 4. Kanya-kanyahan na lang minsan. Dalawa sa tita ko, nasa Canada na. Di naman kami close sa pamilya ng tito ko. Ang pinakabata kong tita, na nanay ng kinasal nga, paminsan-minsan din ay nagsasama-sama kami. Pero mula nang nawala na sina Lola, parang wala na rin ang Pasko.

Nang magsarili na rin ako, lalong tumingkad ang kalungkutan ng Pasko. Nasa "reality bites" household ako noon nakatira kung saan mga kabarkada ko noong kolehiyo ang kasama ko nang matanggap ko ang balitang namatay na daw si Lola. Mahigit 10 years ago na ito. Hanggang ngayon, di ko pa nadadalaw ang puntod niya sa Toronto. Last year naman, si Lolo din. Dalawa na silang dadalawin ko kapag nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong pumunta doon. Hay, ang daming closure na kelangan pa rin sa buhay. Sa tanda kong ito...

 Sneak peek of kulit, Cantor style.

Pasko sa Project 4... 'Yan ang back story ng Scrooge mode ko. Well, medyo. Siyempre may ilan pang plot points na kelangang idagdag, pero gets na naman ang esensya kahit papaano. Ganyan lang naman 'yan. Di totoong di ako maka-Diyos o di ako naniniwala sa kapanganakan ni Jesus. Naniniwala ako. Iba lang ang napapaalala sa akin nito sa panahong iyon kasi. Sensya na kung parang damay-damay ang dating. Hay melankolya nga naman...

*

Speaking of God, at the family reunion of the other family the other day, my tita handed me a rainbow-colored rosary as a gift and said "Libay, do you know that I'm praying for you everyday?" The cousin I'm close to in age -- and in thinking -- stared at me as I registered bewilderment. I thought I misread my reaction but I asked a lesbian friend later that night about the situation. "Ay, di ka tanggap bilang lesbiyana?" Wala na namang ibang reading iyon, di ba? And all this time, I thought this side of the family has already gotten over themselves and "accepted" me for being a queer/lesbian. I thought wrong. 

I don't know why but for the life of me, I felt part of my universe crash. I really don't know why. 

So I decided to leave the shindig early and hang out with a couple of lesbian friends. After all these years, you'd think I'd be immune and callous enough not to mind such a comment. But I still cried in the taxi. Fuck it. Fuck it fuck it fuck it. Why this crash?

That's the last time I'm attending that thing. 

Wait. Come to think of it, that's exactly the same reason why I stopped attending that thing during the earlier days of my being a lez. My unenlightened older cousins were intriguing my mom about my "coming out." Leche sila. I told them that if they have questions, address it to me. Deja vu pala ito. Leche. Leche leche leche.

One for the books, man. One for the books. 

*

Maraming salamat at pinagdarasal niyo ako. Marami rin naman taong nagdarasal para sa akin. Ang kaibigan kong pastora, na lesbiyana nga pala kaya may hotline siya kay God, isa iyon. Siyempre lalo na ang girlfriend kong ministry singer, lagi iyon, pinagdarasal niya ako. Mga lesbiyana ito, po. At marami pang iba. 

Sana lang tita, hindi mo ako pinagdarasal dahil sa lesbiyana ako. Sana ipinagdarasal mo ako dahil gusto mo akong magkaroon ng good health, ng success pa sa career ko, more awards pang matatamasa pandagdag sa meron na ko, mga ganun baga. Huwag lang dahil sa gusto mo akong kantutin ng lalaki.

Maraming salamat po. 

* 

It's a good thing my girlfriend is in town. Her presence makes me feel comforted during such crazy times. I just wish I could freely come to their house and ask for a hug. But of course that's not very possible, given certain circumstances. But I am still comforted by the thought that she's just there, sharing the same space as I am, somewhat. No timezone difference. Reachable, almost but not quite, yet in touch. And I love our bonding moments, so far, however few and far between they seem to be this season. It's the holidays, so I don't mind. Duties first before anything else. And I respect that.

The couple that inks together... 

oh I don't know. Make something up. 

Masakit pa eh lech.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to write more to wrap up this one heck of a year. Yeah, heck is an understatement. These past years since the new decade began, things have been a myriad of crazy and cool things. Sometimes they get mixed up as well, in my head and within my surroundings. 

Anyway, I'm just thankful for whatever graces the heavens showered unto me, all the things I got because the universe conspired. Glad to have met the people I did, and to reforge bonds with some of the mainstay cast of my so-called cinematic life. Life is but a stage, as Shakespeare said anyway, so hey, perform like there's no tomorrow! But then again, be glad there is -- a tomorrow.

The sun will come up...tomorrow. Yes, Annie, still hanging on. Come what may.

After all, tomorrow, like happiness, or a chance of a new life, or the choice to continue on with the challenges of life, is always a day away.

Yep. Come what may indeed.

 When life makes you frown, just blink.