feeling the earth move

We're all not kidding when we say "I feel the earth move under my feet" 'no? That was a couple of days ago for us Luzon folks. We were hit by a big earthquake, nothing as disastrous as the '90s versions but still equally shaking and devastating. My heart goes out to the Pampanga people devastated the most. I hope yesterday's Visayas quake didn't do as much damage as the Luzon one. 

Presence of mind ang kailangan sa panahong ganun. Like me, it took me a few seconds to realize what I need to do when it hit. Ano nga ba ang nangyari? 

Nandiyan ako sa Breast Center ng St. Luke's kung saan ako pinapakuha ng doctor ko ng breast ultrasound. Kakatapos ko lang at magpapalit pa lang ako ng robe para makabihis nang umuga bigla ang punyetang cubicle bihisan. Nagdalawang isip pa ako kung magsusuot ako ng bra o shirt na lang o lalabas na lang akong naka-top robe. Mabuti na lang at mabilis akong mag-isip at mabilis ding kumilos sa dilim (nawala ang lights nang umuga na) at nakapagbihis ako sa dilim (years of media production practice ito teh). Paglabas ko, andun si sweetheart ko, naka-robe pa. Kasalukuyan pala siyang nakasalang sa ultrasound din nang umuga ang building. Take note na 12th floor ito kaloka. So siyempre sama kami sa lahat nung sinabi nilang evacuate the building. Baba kami sa stairs with the rest of them folks sa Breast Center, doctors and aides and fellow patients na naka-robe din.

Alam mo, kakaiba 'yang mga taong nadadatnan ko sa Breast Center lagi. Tanong nga ni sweetheart ko, bakit kaya  laging madadaldal 'yung mga tao dun. Hindi kasi ito first time na nagpaganito kami. Yearly mammogram din dito, also monitoring every quarter. Naabisuhan nga din ako ng doc na mag-monitor dahil sa parehong side ng pamilya nagka-breast cancer. Also, my mom was the original na mino-monitor namin dahil ipapa-biopsy nga daw dapat. I searched for a better doctor and that led us to this current good breast specialist we have. Mom's better naman na, nawala ang anumang nagbabadya, pati rin 'yung sa akin. Pero monitor-monitor pa rin nonetheless.

Pagkatapos mong magbayad at proseso sa main desk nila doon, papapasukin ka sa waiting area na maliit kung saan ka magbibihis ng top robe tapos upo ka dun kasama ng ibang naghihintay. Iba-ibang age range ang nakikita namin doon. May super-senior, may mag kaedadan ko. That Monday we were there, may isang super-quiet na parang mas bata sa akin nang konti. I can feel her tension knots from three paces away. Kabado si ati. Samantalang 'yung ibang ale at lola doon, chika galore lang ng kung anik-anik. Current topic nila at that time: Grab prangkisa vs. taxi prangkisa. Enlightening.

Anyway, sabi ko nga kay sweetheart ko, siyempre kinakabahan 'yung iba dun. Kapag kabado ka, the tendency is to keep really quiet or be uber-chatty. Tensed ategurl was obviously quiet and kabado. The others maybe. Or puwede ring bored lang at talagang tendency ng human being ang chumika sa iba. To each her own.

Paminsan-minsan, may makakaupo ka doong isang elder tita or lola na tila may iniinda na, pero ipinasa-Diyos na niya ang estado niya. Mga "let go and let God" type of eklavu peeps din dun. Siyempre, hinid mawawala 'yun sa Pinas. And that's fine.

Kaya nung Lunes na umuga-uga ang St. Luke's at hindi tumitinag even after 10-15 seconds, the elder titas there started to pray, like loudly. I can't remember what, Our Father ba o Hail Mary, basta calling to the heavens for help and protection. And I don't know why, but the agnostic in me panicked more when I heard them chanting like that. Kakapanood ko yata ng religious-themed Pinoy horror movies (hello, Itim pa rin ang scariest, mga ulol LOL) kaya na-associate ko na ang Catholic prayer chants sa doomsday "we're all gonna die!" scenario ampotah. So yes, while I was debating with myself kung magba-bra pa ako or not, hindi nakatulong sa pagyanig ng building ang yanig na naramdaman ko nung narining ko ang prayer chants ng mga tita. Ewan ko ba. 

To each her own na nga lang kasi, di ba. Si sweetheart ko, nakampante daw siya nung narinig niya 'yun. She's more faithful to the faith than I am, obviously, and we respect each other's views on this topic. So nung nagkita na kami sa may reception area, sumabay na kami sa evac through the stairs. Good thing no one really panicked, like panic panic Pinoy style, you know what I mean? Kalma lang. Except nga for those praying titas, na malakas ang boses, I think it's another form of supplying panic kasi. Puwede kayang isarili na lang ang pagdarasal? Ewan ko, that's just me.

Anyway, so I'm glad we came out of that one intact, and nothing was seriously damaged in the vicinity of our lives. My folks are good, my home is great, and my loved ones are okay. So that's a good result of that day.

And now, here we are, today. It's number 46, baby! Where are we today?

I went back here to work for the day. It's one of my favorite coworking spaces in QC. No rest for the wicked, my dears. Hindi humihinto ang komersyo at pagdagsa ng bayarin sa buhay. Kaya kahit bertdey ko ngayon, tatambay muna ako dito para magtrabaho. Busy naman din ang lahat. At may mga deadlines ako kaya kailangan kong habulin silang lahat. 

As always music propels the day. Ewan ko ba, pero naalala ko itong kantang ito kanina nung naliligo ako. Kasi nga nagsimula sa "I feel the earth move" kasi hello, earthquake. Then ni-runthrough ko na 'yung mga kanta ni Carole King sa Tapestry CD niya kamusta naman. So of course, we land here:



Will you still love me tomorrow, world? Kahit maputi na ang buhok ko? I guess so. Asking no one in particular. Maybe the universe, in this case. I don't know how or why I reached this age now. Maybe there's still some purpose, maybe not. Maybe there's more to come. Or maybe this is as good as it gets. Yes, I'm mixing all of my pop culture metaphors here already. It's my birthday, so what.

One thing rings true, though. This shirt:

No day but today, folks. True since 1999, truer now 20 years later. (On a side note, I'm glad this shirt is aging gracefully with me. Sana 'wag masira ever.)

Okay, time to make some money, folks. Ariba! 

At salamat sa lahat ng mga nakaalala. Heart heart.

the thank you list

In less than ten hours, I'll be passing another earthly milestone in this universe: turning 42. While I'm still freshly near the bigger milestone that is 40, I thought I'd make a quick list of things that I am grateful for, so far, in this surprisingly fantastic life I'm having.

1. Thank goddess I'm still alive.

I've had friends, colleagues, acquaintances and relatives who passed away too soon, in this lifetime. A younger cousin, a UP Baguio writer's workshop co-fellow, and lately a professor colleague who encouraged me not to leave teaching, to name a few. Why one's life journey ends while others continue remains a mystery that doesn't require us to solve. It's just like that, and so be it. 

That's why I'm thanking the universe that I remain alive up to this point. Because there was a time when I wish I weren't. I even wrote a short story about it. Hell, that short story even won me my first Palanca, you know. But those thoughts, thankfully, remain in my literature, and not in my real life. Because there's so much to live for, apparently, and so much to experience, accomplish, and feel. And I'm glad I still have the chance to do all those, now.

What an "interesting" way of reminding you about life 

than writing about death, particularly those 

lost in tragedy. Gives you another way of looking 

at life, loss, and the world between it. 

[November 2014 Yolanda book launch in Ortigas]

2. Thank you courage and kickass-ery.

I don't know where I get it, but I thank the universe that I have some form of courage to do the things I did in my life, to stay in situations when I should have left, and to leave even when others said stay. It takes guts to pick up and leave, and it takes guts to stay put as well. 

Also, there are some instances when you needed more than courage -- you needed to be kickass. So I also thank the universe for developing some kickass-ery in me, this creature who started out as an introvert in her early life. Who would have thought, pare? 'Yan ang lagi kong naiisip kapag napapaisip ako sa mga sinuong kong kung anu-ano sa buhay na ito. Glad I came out of them alive, in one piece, and sane. Not to mention fabulous, but I'm already bragging na. So stop.

Yumu-UN lola mo. Yun na! 

Courage also meant weaving in and out 

of different work industries and sectors in this lifetime,

and enjoying every bit of experience along the way.

[November 2014 At the 

UN Convention Center in Bangkok, Thailand]

3. Thank you, open-mindedness.

What I learned in the last two decades of my life is that no matter how solid you think your beliefs, principles and foundations are, there is always room to wiggle in some stuff that could enhance those beliefs, principles and foundations. And there will always be room to deconstruct some of those pillars without destroying the whole system structure. The key here is having an open mind. And boy, was my mind open or what! From job decisions to personal paradigm shifts, I don't think I could have accumulated the snippets of lessons I have if my mind were not that open to begin with. I'm glad it was. Still is! 

Open-mindedness certainly helped me answer 

the questions in last year's guesting sa show ni Kuya Boy. 

[June 2014 at ABS-CBN studios]

4. Thank you family, relatives and silent supporters

I'm also thankful that my nuclear family is still around and very supportive of all the efforts I've been doing in my life. I am extra lucky that there is no issue about being queer in my nuclear family. My mom, pop and sis get it. Some relatives get it, too. And for those relatives who don't, I'm still thankful that they're there by blood relations only, so don't force me to have friendly relations with you as well, especially if you talk about me behind my back.

And those I don't know but who cheer me on and who are supportive of the things I do, read the art I create, or are genuinely happy for me when they practice being quiet spectators of my life, thanks din sa inyo. 

Isaw date with my mum. Yum! 

[2014 somewhere in Marikina]

5. Thank you friendsheeps of all sorts

What I've learned in this life is that you can't really have a steady stream of friends that will stick with you through thick and thin. That's because they also have their own issues and struggles to mind, so sometimes they have no time, energy or effort left to mind yours. Early in this life, I've had this steady stream but once opportunities came their way, they were too eager to abandon solid trust for anything that they glorified more. Money? Fame? Power? Credentials? I don't know. I guess I invested in the wrong people early in my life, treated some friends as my chosen family, only to be hurt by them, one by one, bit by bit. 

But I think they all serve a purpose, these friends, ex-friends, soon to be friends. People appear in your life when you need to learn a lesson, need your hand to be held, need your head to be challenged, need your soul to be stabled. And if they have done their role, then exit frame na sila. Ganyan lang naman talaga yata ang mga tao sa buhay mo, may panahong kailangan na silang mag-curtain call. And for those who have been sticking for far longer than you thought they originally would, be thankful na lang na they're still there.

So thanks, you guys. Big hug from moi.

Sapphic silverbelles in the Summer capital. 

[April 2015 Baguio City]

6. Thank you, brain.

Sometimes we take it for grated that we have a fully functioning brain that was able to withstand challenges in the academic and emotional fields. Even psychological or mental. Lalo na doon siguro. Kaya buti na lang at biniyayaan ako ng ganitong uri ng utak, na kayang magproseso, tumanggap, mag-isip, mag-muni-muni, at lumikha.    

Art meets advocacy in this anthology of LGBT writings. 

Buy the book! [August 2014 UP CWS]

7. Thank you, pag-ibig.

I guess it was a lucky call to not give up on love once more at the time I did. Or maybe it's called taking another chance. Like I've said in this space, I have no problem naman with being single. But it was really nice that I was able to gamble one last time with this thing called love, to see where a new journey could lead me, hand in hand with someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated in this lifetime.

At para sa mga inibig kong di pumatok, salamat na rin dahil walang katapusang materyal ang binibigay niyo sa aking inspirasyon para lumikha. Hihihi. Char! 

Matamis. Minsan strawberry. Minsan love life.  

Madalas ako at siya. Yihiiii!

[April 2015 Baguio city market]

8. To the girl who gets it

Thank you for being The Girl Without An Agenda to being The Girl Who Gets It. Andiyan ka lang pala sa tabi-tabi ng Marikina din. Bakit ngayon ka lang dumating sa buhay ko, sabi nga ng kanta. Siyempre charot yan, kasi if you arrived during the time the universe introduced us for the first time, hindi pa hinog ang bungang matamis nating tinatamasa ngayon. Salamat sa unang halik. Unli kiss ang kapalit niyan.

Nakakatawa pero nung isang araw ko pa iniisip 'yung dati kong listahan ng kung ano ba dapat ang minimum requirements ko sa isang partner. Sa listahang ito, may tumataginting namang pumasa dati, pero nawasak din paglaon ang samahang iyon. Ang pinagkaiba siguro ng checklist na iyon noon sa ngayon ay: wala nang masyadong compromise 'yung mga answers ko ngayon. Kumbaga, mas matured na siya, mas learned, mas wise. And most of all, mas peaceful siguro. 

To check those requirements sa isang partner:
-- dapat malambing sya.
-- dapat hindi siya praning
-- dapat out siya
-- dapat koboy siya
-- dapat hindi siya classist matapobre freak kundi patient and tolerant of differences
-- dapat into the arts siya, o naiintindihan niya ang importance ng arts
-- dapat sensitive siya sa needs mo
-- dapat honest siya sa feelings niya sa yo
-- dapat matino at masarap kausap
-- dapat tanggap niya kung ano ka
-- dapat she is a woman of her word. at walang third party. kahit ex-turned-friend pa man niya yun.
-- dapat hindi siya sinungaling
-- at dapat, gagawa siya ng effort para magwork ang relationship niyo.

Ikaw lahat iyan. This time, I have a feeling na mas malaki-laki at mas profitable ang ROI ko sa investment na ito, this time around. Dahil ikaw ikaw. Kaya salamat sa pagiging ikaw. Hashtag three hearts.

My statement shirts never lie. Ever. 

[2014 somewhere in SM City North EDSA]

9. Salamat, Pilipinas.

Ilang beses na kitang inisip iwanan, sa totoo lang. Pero may certain seduction kang kumakapit sa akin. Ilang bansa na rin ang napuntahan ko, at lagi kitang kinukumpara sa kanila, for better or for worse. Pero ngayon ko lang napagtanto na masaya din naman palang nanatili ako rito. Ito 'yung bahagi ng pinasasalamatan kong courage to stay sa itaas. Kasi kahit anong nangyayari sa iyo dati at ngayon, nandito pa rin ako. At salamat na rin naman, kahit minsan ay hindi masaya dito. Ewan ko ba, pero may hindi ako maipaliwanag na bond sa iyo, pero I'm also thankful that that bond exists. Saka ko na lang ide-decipher kung ano iyon. Probably isaw at crispy pata ang main ingredients nun. And beaches. But I speculate.

Yes, it's the pata. Sankapa! 

[2014 at Livestock QC]

10. Salamat, nega.

Sabi nga ng tattoo ni Angelina Jolie, what nourishes me destroys me. Buti na lang at hindi ako ganun. Well, except siguro kung nasosobrahan ako ng pagkain ng crispy pata. Sabi rin naman ng kanta ni Regine Velasquez, you make me stronger by breaking my heart. Doon relate ako. Kasi sa dami ng hurdles na kailangang talunin sa buhay, buti na lang at long-legged ang lola mo kaya kinakaya naman. 

There's always a way of learning from bad things. In fact, it's best to learn from the bad than the good, because you get creative in thinking about strategies and ways of scrutinizing and avoiding the bad. So okay na rin at may quota ng nega na dumating sa buhay na ito. Kasi kung walang nega, hindi mo rin maa-appreciate ang positive. Kaya good vibes just the same. Saka natututo ka rin to manage the nega. Negatrons transform! na lang ang peg -- transform to be a better fighter. 

Suwerte-suwerte lang kapag nakakasapul. 

O kaya may skill na kaakibat. 

Huwag kalimutan ang bow and arrow na lang. 

[2014 at Gandiva Cafe Ortigas]

*

There are more things to be thankful for, at mauubos ang blog na ito kung ililista nating lahat. But for the magic 42, this will do. 

For now.

See you on the other side. 

 Ang life parang photography. Shoot lang ng shoot. 

Develop from the negatives. Take nothing but great memories. 

Etch those images in your mind. 

[May 1999 somewhere in Dumaguete]

Full gallop it iz

Of course I'm so busy in life, that's why I'm here again! Lolz. If you've been following this, this is my ritual: "procrastinating" by blogging my muni-muni mode stuff when I have I-can-do-that-in-my-sleep type of work. Like LOTS! Like I'm so excited I signed up for a lot of things but a lot of things are also happening so fast that hey, sometimes we only have moments to breathe before the next episode. 

Pause for a break. Or stop... in the name of love? Charut! 

[May 2014 in transit somewhere in Manila]

But hey, I ain't complainin' ya hear? So grateful that I have such a cornucopia of stuff on my plate right now, in many aspects to boot. Work-wise, I've already concluded some, currently concluding a few, continuing some pa rin, starting on some new ones soon, and also trying to take huge ones in, like HUGE pare! Hahaha payaman factor ang lola mo these days which I don't know why hehe. But it's just good to be comfortable like that, in life's work stuff, and to not have insecurities and to not deal with others' shortcomings and destructive tendencies are such a relief for me. Iba na rin 'yung nakakapili ka na ng trabaho at/o pinipili kang katrabaho at ikaw ay kampante sa kalalabasan dahil inaalagaan kang tunay at sapat. So there.

What is the path of least resistance? 

Just flow, beks. Just flow. [April 2014 Baler Fish Port]

As for the home front, I'm also happy and glad that things fall into place. I know this one deserves its own blog to begin with, but let me just say that it's such a surprise from the universe to have stumbled upon someone who is soooooooooo your match. I've long forgotten how it's like to be cared for and nurtured by a person who really embodies the term "partner" and who's also proud to carry the title "girlfriend" that I often find myself pausing and thinking if things are for real. If you know where I came from last year -- mula sa isang pirated na napeke ka sa samahan at isang pekeng siraulong lalo pang dadalawin ng karma-malas sa habangbuhay -- I was so ready to fully sign up and embrace the Brian Kinney-esque mode of my life for good, for all eternity teh! Ganun ang drama ng lola mo. Malay ko bang may mga nilalang pa palang maaasahang magmahal nang maayos at maaliwalas. Suwerte suwerte lang talaga. And... that's all I have to say about that. For now.

#akona! Heart heart.

Tuwa lang din ako sa aspetong personal, tulad ng adbokasiya. Buhay pa naman ang bahay sa larangang iyan kaya gorabels lang to the best of my abilities lagi ang peg. Tulad kagabi, niyakag ako ni byuti Bemz from Ladlad to guest as the L rep sa The Bottomline ni Boy Abunda. So taping galore kami kagabi at abangan na lang ang mga sinabi ng aking, erhm, matatabil na ummm basta, pasaway mode hahaha. Lekat. Heniweyz next Sabado daw eere. Abangan niyo na lang.

Nanibago ako sa on-cam mode -- at sa pag-identify bilang L! 

Lolz tago muna ang genderqueerness beks. 

Haven't done this in a long while, tapos ganito pa ka-huge ang sabak hehe. 

Heniweyz abangan sa huling Sabado ng June Pride Month sa ANC. 

Di ko knows timeslot so google na lang. 

[June 2014 photos swiped from Ladlad's Adel and Chris' FB tags/pages].

 At bilang last salvo ni Psych Prof. Erik beki sa UP Center for Women's Studies, 

may-I-attend kami nina Bubbles ng workshop chuvaness to enlighten  

engender their staff and such chenelyns. Kamusta sa pikit factor bakla.

Ayan mas matino ito. Hate my hair noon hm. Cut na 'yan. 

[May 2014 UP CWS]

Lumipas na pala ang birthday month ko at lumipas din ang Mayo at ang tag-araw nang walang kaabog-abog. Sabi nga ng isang gabay ko, i-celebrate ko daw ang last days of being 40 bilang feeling deprived ako sa masayang selebrasyon ng aking pagsalubong dito dahil sa kaganapan sa buhay ko last year na nakaistorbo ng major marker na ito. Kaya tama, 'yun nga ang ginawa ko. At malay ko bang may malaki palang sorpresang regalo sa akin ang kalawakan sa pamamagitan ng isang nilalang na buong summer kong kinilala ng husto sabay ng pagkilala kong muli sa sarili ko sa larangang ito ng samahan. Masaya siya, sobra. Pumunta kami sa kanila kung saan siya talaga nagmula, at natutuwa rin akong sa ngayon ay kapitbahay ko siya. 'Sensya na at talagang pinaninindigan ko ang hashtag invention ng mga kabatak kong #inlabsibayli hahaha. Ako na! #alamna. 

 Maganda ang araw kapag maganda ang iyong kasama. 

Maaliwalas ang panahon kapag maaliwalas ang inyong pagsasama.

Siya nawa. [April 2014 Baler fish port]

 

 Ang may kasalanan ng aking makasalanang bilbil ngayon. 

Siya nawa. [April 2014 Sabang Beach Baler]

 Kung ganito ba naman ang coffice mo araw-araw, 

talagang gaganahan kang magtipa for life. 

With bonus pako salad! [April 2014 Costa Pacifica Baler]

I'm also so glad that I'm rediscovering friends' capacities as well, in terms of our professional and personal dealings. Also glad to stumble upon new workmates. Yes, I'm in such a good place now that I keep thanking the universe for clearing the skies there for me when I thought I'd have to deal with rainclouds for a long time. Yes, it's good. It's all good.

Vast is the sky, beks. Ako na vast. Basta! [April 2014 Baler]

I hope you all are, too. More stories to come. In the meantime, hop on over to our refurbished POC Pinoy LGBT channel for more kuwentos. My Relationship 2.0 series is well on its way and I have three articles up, narrating the love I finally deserve plus the queer societal reboot that we seem to be having. Plus we're starting a new subsection called LGBT Erotica and I'm starting a column under that called "Kalibugan ng Kuwan" hihihi. Read my first article "Paano nga ba makipag-sex sa kapwa babae?" here.

Or maki-miron na lang sa @leaflens Twitter ko for more daily musings and kulitan. Visual version also available at my @leaflens Instagram account which I am also populating daily. Yes, I have to survive and I like making marks, so those are those.

Okay break time's over. Have a good one, folks. Over and out -- and proud!  

Life is short. Dive! [April 2014 Ermita Hill Baler]

Alangan

Alangan namang palipasin ko ang araw na ito nang walang sinasabi dito, di po ba? Di ba lang. Diva nga. Diva lang teh, devah?

Boink boink. 

Kasalukuyan kong tinutumba ang natitira sa bote ng zinfandel na yan na sinimulan ko kagabi sa countdown patungo sa aking pagbabagong-buhay. Oo, madrama na kung madrama pero putangina naman, minsan mo lang naman layasan ang trenta-something at papasukin ang kwarenta na! Devah! Kaya kelangang mag-diva. Eto na.

Nasabi nga ng mahal ko na baka birthday blues daw kung bakit ako nagkakaganito ngayon. Actually medyo siguro dahil nakadagdag lang ang kasalukuyang state of affairs ko ang sana'y kakaibang pagmamarka ko sana ng isang momentous life moment na ito. Hindi ka na bata, beks, pero hindi ka pa rin naman tanderkats. As in, alangan lang. Alanganing di na bata pero alanganing matanda na. Alanganin ang itawag mo sa akin. Yan ang titulo ng bagong nobelang ito ng bagong chapter ng buhay ko. Masining ba? Siguro, kung sisipagin. Maintriga ba? Ay, as always. Maarte ba? Goes without saying, beks. Ma-art-eh, kaya masining, devah? Diva! Chos.

No, it's not the wine speaking. It's the circumstances that are somewhat out of my control. And I guess as a Taurean Ox, that doesn't fare well with me when farewells are needed to make stuff happen. CrypticYuson na naman ba? Hahaha yeah it's the wine speaking now. No, I'm kidding.

It's basically the frustration I've been feeling since Holy Week. Since last year. Since 2009, to be exact. Since someone decided that I am their enemy and went all ballistic and shit that I should be booted out by hook or by crook, this kalbaryo started for me. And for the life of me, I really don't know what the universe has in store for me in the next chapter of my life that I had/have to undergo all this ninja training at this point in my life. Napapatanong nga ako sa isa sa aking mga bffs na coincidentally ka-birthday ko rin. Sabi ko, nasayang yata ang ilang taon ng buhay ko sa career choice na pinili kong ito, na nasasadlak ngayon sa intriga galore. Pero siyempre ibabato lang niya sa akin ang walang kamatayang Lino Brocka movie line of the millennium -- walang sayang sa buhay bakla, lahat may gamit o silbi, di nga lang malinaw minsan. 

Well to tell you the truth, kating-kati na kong sapian ni Alanis at kumanta ng Thaaaank you clarity dahil sa totoo lang, gusto ko nang luminaw ang lahat. Mainipin lang siguro akong tao, sa totoo lang, na napapahaba lang ng aking pasensiya at nasusupil ang pagiging mainipin sa natutunan kong pagpapakalma sa kalooban at sarili sa pamamagitan ng meditation at sa ninja training: patience module na ilang taon ko na rin namang binubuno. Siyempre, sino ba naman ang may gustong nakabitin ang buhay, nakaabang sa susunod na kabanata, nakaantabay sa pagpalit ng red/yellow light sa green light para gumora na ang life. Wala naman eh. Wala. Kahit sabihin nilang meron, wala, wala, wala! Akala mo lang wala pero meron meron meron! Char!

Hindi pa ko lasing. Imbey lang. K?

 Defining/defying birthday blues earlier kaya bumonchon na lang.

Pero sa narating ko nang puntong ito sa buhay, isa lang ang sigurado ko, above all else, more than everything else: na gusto ko na ng bagong buhay. By default, dapat dati pa naman dapat nagkaroon ng hit reset life button mode ang lola mo. Pero di ko alam kung bakit hinayaan ko nang hinayaang lumipas ang panahon. Dahil minsan, nag-aalangan akong kumilos, nag-aalangan akong lumipad nang malayu-layo, nag-aalangan akong may maiwan, at nag-aalangan ako sa dami ng pagbabagong sasambulat sa katauhan ko. Taurus nga eh, sigurista. Kaya ang pag-aalangan, ayaw na ayaw ng sigurista. Hence, here we are.

Pero dahil sa ayoko ng alanganin, ako na ang gumagawa ng paraan para harapin ang dapat harapin. Kung may tutuldukan, pwes tuldukan! Kung may sisimulan, pwes simulan! Ganun lang dapat kasimple yun. Napakaraming kakilala ko na katulad ko na gumagawa at gumawa na rin nito. Oo, lagi namang may alanganin, pero mas mainam na ang gumalaw kesa sa mas makampante muli. At iyan marahil ang malaki kong pagkakamali sa buhay ko sa nakaraang kalahating dekada -- ang pagiging kampante. Ang isang bff ko pa nga ang nagsabi nito noon pa, na nakikini-kinita na niyang baka nga maiwan ako sa pagiging kampante. Pero sinabi rin niya na hindi na dapat ito ang maramdaman ko ngayon kundi excitement. Tama, excitement na panibagong chapter na ito dapat ng buhay ko, kaya dapat ay itapon na ang pagka-alanganin sa anuman. Tama naman siya. At kahit ano pang sabihin kong nalilito na ako at di ko alam ang gagawin, tama rin ang mahal ko sa pagsabi ng "alam mo naman ang kelangan mong gawin, natatakot ka lang." Sakto. Swak sa banga. Oo, sino ba ang hindi natatakot sa panahong ito ng pagiging alanganin? Tama silang pareho, ang mga babae ng buhay ko na tangi kong pinakikinggan lately, at kahit noon pa. 

Tama sila. Dapat matapos na ang pagiging alanganin. At kailangan ko nang mag-take charge muli sa takbo ng buhay ko. Walang ibang driver dapat ang buhay ko kundi ako lang. Di uso ang chauffeur dito sa Pinas, unless pulitiko ka o mayaman. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ko saglitang naiwala ang tiwala ko sa sarili kong tumayo at manapak muli kapag nasapak at natumba ako nang saglit nang ma-uppercut nang di ko nalalaman. Shrapnel. May sumabog na naman sa paligid at wala akong kinalaman dito, pero ako ang pinaka-tinamaan ng basag na anuman at ako ang nasugatan. Kaya di ako dapat nagmumukmok dahil wala akong kasalanan sa anuman. Wala akong ginawang mali. Nasa gilid lang ako, being fabulous and creative at the same time. 

And that's what they can't stand about me -- that I am indeed fabulous and creative without their help. I guess that's why friends turn into enemies later on, even if I have nary a clue as to what it is/was that I supposedly did to offend them or what. But I guess that's what happens to people whose lives are as empty as a Philippine government office at 5:01pm -- they look at other people's lives because they can't stand looking at their own. Well sorry for living a full life but I plan on continuing that -- without kowtowing to your powertripping asses and egos.

Kaya dito ko na minamarkahan ang pagiging alanganin -- na hindi na ako dapat manatiling nasa bingit ng pagka-alanganin. Hindi totoong walang buhay pagkatapos ng isang chapter sa buhay. Bagkus, napakarami pa ngang chapter na bago na puwedeng isulat. Kaya I'm rolling up my sleeves -- ever gorgeous, ever ready -- and I'm ready to dip my pen again into newer inkwells of life out there, to jot down these new things and to chronicle these upcoming adventures. Because my life doesn't revolve around mediocrity, and when fucktards put me down, there's no other way for me to go but up.   

Tapos na ako sa "proving myself" shitz sa life. Wala na akong kailangan pang i-prove sa mga taong tumitimbang sa akin nguni't nakikitaan akong kulang. Wala akong kailangan i-prove sa mga nagkakalat ng chismis na di ko kaya ang ganito o ganyan. Wala akong kailangang haguring pwet para lamang umabanse sa buhay dahil sa totoo lang, sa talent competition pa lang ay Miss Universe na ako. Huwag mo nang paabutin sa question and answer portion kung ayaw mong malintikan ka sa akin neng! Kaya inyo na ang mga pabonggang longgown competition at swimsuit competition. Dahil sa totoo lang, kayo lang naman ang nagco-compete sa isa't isa dahil matagal na akong Miss Universe mga bakla. I...thank you! Bow!

 This is what Binibining Pilipinas-Tomboy looks like. 

Define gorgeous. And mayabang.

Iba na rin ang life path at life plans ko ngayon. Iba na ang iniisip ko. Recalibration na ang drama ng next chapters ng life ko. Basta't nagagampanan ko ang sining ko at natatapatan ko ang pagmamahal sa akin ng mga mahal ko, okay na ako. Iyon lang naman. Wala akong insatiable desire para sumikat tulad ng nais ng mga naninira sa akin. Wala rin akong ambisyong kunin ang mga posisyon nilang kinalalagyan, yung tipong ikamamatay nilang bitawan ba. Nope, not for me. Kaya kanila na yan. Lubayan na lang nila ako. Puwede bah!

At iyan na marahil ang pinakamalaking muni-muni mode na nabubuo ko sa sarili ko: na kapag kailangan nang gumawa ng bago, gawin lang. Kung di para sa yo, di para sa yo, sabi nga ng mahal ko. Tama naman. Pero siguro, ang kailangan ko ngayon ay habaan pa ang pasensiya, konti pa beks, dahil ang lahat ng forces ay may equal at opposite reactions lang naman kasi. Science lang ang gagabay sa atin dito, in the end, science that things will happen because they should, and faith, faith that these things need to happen for a reason, and the reason will be good, will be better, will be awesome. Just have faith. Science and faith. They will materialize.

In the meantime, may dahilan din kung bakit ito ang pina-tattoo ko sa katauhan kong mga kataga -- dahil totoo sila. HOPE AND KEEP BUSY. 

At once again, lintik lang ang walang karmic retribution.

I hope the next time I post here, I could be more celebratory of things, of life, of love of life and love of things. For now, just let me drown these last remaining vestiges of fear that accumulated within my being without me knowing it. Pagpag-nega mode lang. And soon, like science dictates, iikot ang mundong bilog kaya what was once down will surface to the top again. Just have faith.

And I do.

Because life rewrites at 40, beks. Tipa!

My 39

It's almost an hour after.

Hello 39. Today, we proceed. Not with caution but with care. 

And love.

This is me taking all in stride. All in.

Yep, I'm good. I'm good.


Thanks everyone. Be well.

38 realizations and then some

Squint your eyes and look closer--oh wait, wrong 30something countdown. Chos.

Was spending some time earlier doing what I love doing best these past few years -- writing and revising -- in a place where I am beginning to "un-feel" something that excited my blood some half a decade ago when I realized that I have been making or discovering or unearthing lots of realizations in my realities lately. So before my birthday month ends, I think I want to solidify these flurry of passing/haunting thoughts by writing them down here.

Yes, this will be an indulgence -- much like the rest of the content of this blog, as blogs are really meant for such, hey -- so bear with me. Yes, you can comment, why not. I am a fan of discourse and dialogue as I always say, as long as they are based and anchored on good logic and non-oppressive formats.

Yes, 38. Since last 24th, I turned 38. Gosh, I never realized I'd reach this age but hey, we're still here, and we're still queer. And no, it doesn't mean that each realization is something I highly agree with. You'll see.

So sige, let's do this.

38 realizations by leaflens on the occasion of her 38th bday

1. Despite the years, I am still hot. Haha! Or as we say in Filipino, may asim pa ang lola mo! Chos. I realized this because I saw how people kinda like me but are just fucking afraid of going near me. But that's another realization altogether. See #2.

2. Oo, malakas pala talaga ang dating ko. There's this thing in the Filipino culture where you are branded as someone who comes off as too strong--sometimes for your own good--to other people. But that's not really your fault. You're built that way and people react accordingly. So this means women who like you get intimidated to approach you (woe is me!) and wimpy co-workers evade you altogether because you can call them out on their shit without batting an eyelash while still looking so effortlessly fabulous. And in the Filipino work culture, that's not an asset. Woe is me.

3. No matter how I package myself as "queer" in the Philippines, I will only be perceived by the local LGBTQ community as a "butch lesbian." Like my good lesbian advocate friend said, "Libay, the Philippines is still trying to grasp the concept of the L and the G, and they haven't fully understood the concept of the B and the T." So yeah, in short, good luck to my Q!!!

4. I've been genderqueer-looking for years now even before I realized I was, or even before I discovered such a term existed. And there I was, thinking in all honesty that I can snag the pretty femme out there just because I am also femme (femmes go mostly for femmes here in lezmanila) but no, I have to remember that I would almost look androgynous if not for my freaking huge breasts and hips, which make me sexy. So thus...

5. I realized that I am really sexy, indeed. Hahaha! i just have to dress the part and I'm good! Heck, even straights hit on me when I'm in this "passing het" mode, so there. Hahaha! Which brings me to...

6. I can still pass as straight pala! If during meetings some random guy eyes you like he wants to take you out to a date or something, that really really really means something! Sorry dude, I only go for female-bodied persons. Tough luck.

7. After years of monogamous relationship after monogamous relationship, I realize I might not really be built to be in one for long. Either that or there's just slim pickings for me here in Manila. Or I might not be circulating in the proper crowds. Or maybe I am just conditioned to be with one partner but in essence, I really don't want that. Case in point: as I am seeing someone, I also get attracted to another one, and having crushes on others. And no, it's not simply being a big flirt. Still, with that being said...

8. I think my system would only accept monogamous relationships for now. And that thought scares me because it contradicts with #7. I guess I am a walking irony. And why do I say this? Because...

9. I realize I can't shake off jealousy that easily. Call me Juno but I guess there's this built-in thing when you get so used to monogamy to also push the button called jealousy. I hate it when I am a green-eyed monster like that sometimes, because it consumes me. And I hate being consumed that way.

10. And yet, I also realize that I am cool with open relationships. Now why is that? Maybe due to years of training as well, being with women who also had some thing or other with someone or other out there, during the beginning of our interactions. Which they eventually junk, by the way, to settle down with me in some form of monogamous bliss. But come to think of it, it's just a pity that we all have to end up in monogamy just the same. Which brings me to the realization that...

11. Women want to own me, just me. It's not an exaggeration if I say that all, like all, the girlfriends I've had in my life, uttered this one scary but singular line: "Akin ka lang, ha" meaning they are pleading-slash-reinforcing that I belong to them, and only them. Yes, my girlfriends are more proprietary than proprietary software for gosh sakes man, I swear. I don't know what's with me that they feel the need to put a tag on me and call it off limits to all. Hm. Flattering, I admit, but scary just the same.

12. Being an accomplished LGBTQ advocate in the Philippines don't get you laid, grrl. Like haller. The more people know you and your work in fighting for their rights, the more they avoid you and deify you like you're a golden calf or something. I remember this scene in the film MILK where Harvey Milk's admirers really go to his place and want to sleep with him, just cause, you know. Like that character played by Diego Luna. Hm I might be in the wrong continent to be such. Not that I'm being an advocate to get laid. No such thought in me.

13. The women who wanted to own me eventually ended up treating me bad. Now why is that? Maybe it's because when they are so sure that they had me on a leash, they forget to care. But they also forget that leashes are easy to snap out of. Hay, which brings me to...

14. Women who declare they love me all put me in leashes. And not the kinky way, mind you. Most of them limited my mobility in one way or another -- my artistic expressions, my interactions with other beings, my expression of my sexuality, you name it. I wonder if I have such a puppy personality that they feel the need to tie me up and lead me to the life they wanted for me/us, without asking me first. Sucks, right?

15. In essence, I really embody the "You complement me" principle more than the Jerry Maguire "You complete me" shtick. Like I said before, I am already complete; I am just finding people to complement me, friends and lovers both. The work of completing one's self relies only on one's self.

16. I realized that if I am indeed complete, then I shouldn't feel so unhappy when I don't have a partner/lover. And yes, to tell you the truth, I am indeed happy during these times. Unlike maybe 12 years ago, I guess I've come to be more mature and I've learned that there's no sense wasting over being so girl-hungry and such. Which leads me to the next realization that...

17. I should focus more on myself, and my self-growth. Because I have been setting aside my own growth for the growth of my current partner du jour, I always find myself lacking in terms of growing and nurturing my own needs. That's the sacrifice I chose to make during those days, and most times, I regret them, really. So this is why...

18. The next time I get into a committed relationship, I should keep more "me time" than "we time." Since you also need to preserve your own self intact regardless of having a partner. No, not a fan of that "two become one" shtick, sorry Spice Girls. Which also leads me to...

19. The next time I have a steady girlfriend(s?), we won't live in together. As a writer and probably who I am as a person, I value my privacy so much and I value it if I could keep a space of my own to do things I want to do. Sometimes, I really want to just be in a fortress of solitude like Superman. And I eventually fly in people meaningful in my life inside it every so often, if I feel like it.

20. I realized I have to stick to office hours-hours in order to survive one more year of teaching. Since it gets so lonely whenever the sun sets on me in my dear old alma matter these past few months, I feel I need to get out of the campus if I want longevity in this current course of my life. (Long story, hard to tell...) Just cause. Basta! But that being said...

21. Sometimes I feel I am not cut out to be an academician. Sure, I can spit and duel theories with you, draw up pedagogy chorva like there's no tomorrow, but the practitioner in me sometimes shouts that I could be of better use to humanity if I am outside the academe. Hay... tough call. Which leads me to...

22. If only I made enough money in being a writer, I'd be a full-time writer instead. But we all know that that's not the case here in the Philippines. Hay time management, wherefore art thou?

23. As much as I like working in mainstream media, I still am wary of it. Need I say more? I am an advocate of many rights and that doesn't jive well with some mainstream practices and reflections...

24. But I get drawn to work for like-minded individuals who turn out to be visionaries. I just hope they follow through with their visions this time, though, unlike in the disappointing past.

25. Despite my age, I still seek new challenges in the area of work. Because I'm not trapped in making merely money but making a dent in the universe, I still seek this. Knowledge above profit. Which is not good, I know, in most circumstances...

26. I don't have patience working with morons. No need to elaborate.

27. I don't have patience working with self-entitled powertripping assholes. Enuf said.

28. I think I want to teach where a class really wants to learn, not just whiling away time to finish a four-year bachelor's degree. Sometimes, it feels like that teaching in the premiere state university. I'd rather teach in some place where education will really make a difference.

29. I'm still not rushing things but unlike before, I now want to publish my own book and make my first full-length film asap. I don't know where this is coming from, but heck, if it drives me, then so be it, right?

30. I realize that, no matter what the leader does, the Philippines will still remain in this quagmire of corruption. Since it's already endemic to this culture, much like how tarsiers are endemic to Bohol.

31. I don't think I will ever see true gender equality in my lifetime. Hello the RH bill can't get passed, what more the Anti-Discrimination bill? And other things. Hay...

32. Friends are a thing of the past. The only person you need to rely on is yourself.

33. I am such a fucking romantic. Because I watch a lot of fucking movies and listen to Broadway tunes, is why. Hates. It. I don't want to be hardwired this way no more.

34. No matter how much I hate being in Manila, I'm too chicken to leave it. For some strange reason, we have this symbiotic relationship. Maybe because I'm a writer. Ewan.

35. As much as I'd like to migrate to North America, I'm reluctant to start over. A good friend reminded me of the privilege I have here over the years and yes, she is right. I have been so fucking privileged that I have yet to realize that. Like duh.

36. How I wish envy fueled me to strive more. But that's the thing: I really don't feel genuine envy. At all. Maybe that explains who I am today and why am I in such a state.

37. Yes, I am arrogant. As a friend told me once, we are all arrogant. So yes, I am embracing it. Full force.

38. I like being alone. Even if I have occasional bouts of loneliness and such, in the end, I still like my own personal space and time, my me time, my own time. And if someone didn't understand that, then s/he ain't a friend in the first place.