Buhay Bahaghari LGBT book launch Aug 27 at bts writer chika

At kinarir ko na namang muli ang pagsusulat ng press release para sa nalalapit na book launch ng aming ten thousand years before ma-publish na libro hehehe. Salamat sa superqueer efforts nina former deputy director ng UP Center for Women's Studies na si Prof. Eric Manalastas at POC Pinoy LGBT channel editor naming si Eva "Bubbles" Callueng, ipapanganak na rin ang librong last year pa namin hinulma, hininga, at ngayon iiire na! Ayan siya. 

Cute naman ng cover art hehe. Talagang rainbow kung rainbow. Some of the pertinent details of the launch are here:

Want to read 36 personal essays on what it’s like to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer in the Philippines today? Then get a copy of the book entitled BUHAY BAHAGHARI: THE FILIPINO LGBT CHRONICLES published by the UP Center for Women’s Studies. The anthology will be launched on Wednesday, August 27, 2014 at 1:30-3:30pm inside the UP Center for Women’s Studies premises (Magsaysay Ave. cor. Ylanan Road near the CSWCD/ MassComm/Music college buildings inside the Diliman, QC campus).

Lima pala ang kuwentong isinabak ko dito. Personal essays ang atak, sabi ni editor Bubbles. Dapat dito ko ilalabas 'yung isang bonggang-bonggang academic article kong icho-chopchop ko sana into bite-size friendlier forms pero sabi ng lola ko eh gumawa na lang ng bago dahil masyadong academic nosebleed 'yung lesbian indie film paper ko na 'yun hihi. So kebs na dun at kume-creative nonfiction na lang ang peg ng lola mo.

Yoiks may picture nga pala sa contribs page! 

Buti na lang cute 'yung napili sa akin. Charut! :P

Kaya as usual, I have to tap into the well of my persona during the time I wrote this. What else is new? Life provides the ink and I am merely the recorder. Here are some behind-the-scenes chika of those pieces:

"Showbiz people like us 1: we got our backs" is about my experience as a cultural journalist a.k.a. lifestyle and entertainment journalist featuring closeted people like us and how we kinda have to protect each other in the dog-eat-dog a.k.a. judgmental-hetero-eats-marginalized-queer world of showbizlandia.

"Showbiz people like us 2: gaydar me, gaydar you" is about how clueless peeps ask queers like me to "detect" suspected queers like me, a.k.a. kapag gusto lang mang-canfeermd! ng mga chismosa sa mga kloseta sa showbiz. Yes, this happens. True story.

"The tabloidization of the tomboy: (don’t) print us o lord" is actually the first piece I wrote solely for this anthology. This chronicles my experience when I showed up for an interview as an entertainment editor in a newspaper that turned out to be in tabloid format, so all media vs. queers baggage broke loose.

Siyempre mawawala ba ang mga love chronicles ng buhay? "To fight the unbeatable fight" is my muni-muni about having relationships with women who are closeted and how I negotiate my openly out self in there. "To reach the unreachable love" is the chronicling of my foray into lesbian LDRdom or long distance relationships before, during and after. 

Support for the book in the form of blurbs

 from varied queers and queer allies 

e.g. Boy Abunda, Dr. Margie Holmes, 

Aida Santos, Danton Remoto, Neil Garcia. 

Dumo-Don Quixote lang talaga ang peg? Ewan ko ba. Alam ko single na ako nung sinulat ko ang mga ito, lalo na itong dalawang love articles chenes. Sa tagal na nito, di ko na maalala exactly kung ano 'yung contribs ko at kung ano ang porma at ikot ng headspace ko nun hehe. Naaliw lang ako when I recalled what they were, so I reread them, and the ending of that unbeatable fight piece went something like this nga pala:

Ah, it’s a cycle, this closet of ours, of theirs. Is it somebody’s fault that we’re there, and is it somebody’s fault that it exists? Of course there is some fault somewhere. That’s why we fight an unbeatable fight sometimes. But still, we go on. Closet or no closet, we travel, until we find what what we’re looking for, or until we have to be found by someone looking for us.

She’s out there. Just walk.

Wow. Indeed. And now, here we are, months after I wrote that, I bumped into someone and someone bumped into me. I'm ever so grateful to the universe that I walked that day, that I decided to show up in that seemingly random business meeting, that I decided to get out of my hibernation and socialize with a new soul. That soul turned out to be the love of my life right now, my kindred of all kindred spirits, and all my obra I dedicate to her. Yes, pati na this book's contributions. Thank you, sweetheart.

Mantakin mo nga naman, how our life narratives turn out. Wala lang, natutuwa lang ako. I guess we still can't believe we found each other, na magkalapit lang pala ang orbits namin sa isa't isa, all this time, but we were not fated to meet until the moment we did. Happy. Happy lang talaga. :) Sorry sumingit talaga ang #inlabsiBayli peg ulit ahihihi. #akona

Heniweys hemingways, kitakits sa book launch. Bonggabels din naman ang line-up ng contributors dahil for the first time, reprezent! talaga ang L, G, B, at T ditech, pati na Q because of me. So there. Here's some more info on the book: 

Contributors come from different walks of life who also belong in different industries in society. Some of them are or have been active LGBT rights advocates. Their essays tackle topics like identities and struggles; tensions, anxieties, relations; challenges, changes and the community; and of course love and lessons that come with finding it, losing it, or keeping it. Some of the contributors include longtime queer advocates Fr. Richard Mickley, Chris Jo Salvatierra, Ging Cristobal and Bruce Amoroto; corporate professionals Fire Sia, Mel Abutin and Allan Carreon; development worker Miel Feria; former and current college professors Mikee Inton, Argel Tuason and  Lorna Israel; National Youth Commission’s Percival Cendana and Ernest Lucas; and Carlos Palanca awardees Shakira Sison, Libay Linsangan Cantor and Jhoanna Lynn B. Cruz, to name a few. The essays are written in Filipino and English.

Read the rest of my press release here sa pop media blog kesh. Sayang ang dami yatang di nakahabol sa deadline. Happy sana ito kung ang ibang kabatak ay nakapaglaan ng obra. Maybe a sequel should happen na lang. 

Hehe at sorry kung mayabang pero paminsan-minsan kailangan din nating ipagmayabang na may mga award-winning among the rainbow community, na hindi porke't queer tayo ay kalunos-lunos tayo at hindi fabulous. Excuse me! Hahaha. And the Palanca is always a good marker of an award for us queer writers. Congrats nga rin pala is in order for another win for one of us. Hm not sure if na-announce na niya ang pagkapanalo niya this year ulit pero CONGRATS MAMU! 'Yun muna hehe. You know who you are. Always proud of you. :)

Eclectic lot! Life is like a rainbow indeed -- you never know which hue will rule you at times. So best to be prepared. 

Congrats sa editing efforts ni Bubbles beks at nairaos din ito. Happy! :) Buy the book! Support Philippine literature and the Pinoy LGBTQ community.

Kitakits! :)

Full gallop it iz

Of course I'm so busy in life, that's why I'm here again! Lolz. If you've been following this, this is my ritual: "procrastinating" by blogging my muni-muni mode stuff when I have I-can-do-that-in-my-sleep type of work. Like LOTS! Like I'm so excited I signed up for a lot of things but a lot of things are also happening so fast that hey, sometimes we only have moments to breathe before the next episode. 

Pause for a break. Or stop... in the name of love? Charut! 

[May 2014 in transit somewhere in Manila]

But hey, I ain't complainin' ya hear? So grateful that I have such a cornucopia of stuff on my plate right now, in many aspects to boot. Work-wise, I've already concluded some, currently concluding a few, continuing some pa rin, starting on some new ones soon, and also trying to take huge ones in, like HUGE pare! Hahaha payaman factor ang lola mo these days which I don't know why hehe. But it's just good to be comfortable like that, in life's work stuff, and to not have insecurities and to not deal with others' shortcomings and destructive tendencies are such a relief for me. Iba na rin 'yung nakakapili ka na ng trabaho at/o pinipili kang katrabaho at ikaw ay kampante sa kalalabasan dahil inaalagaan kang tunay at sapat. So there.

What is the path of least resistance? 

Just flow, beks. Just flow. [April 2014 Baler Fish Port]

As for the home front, I'm also happy and glad that things fall into place. I know this one deserves its own blog to begin with, but let me just say that it's such a surprise from the universe to have stumbled upon someone who is soooooooooo your match. I've long forgotten how it's like to be cared for and nurtured by a person who really embodies the term "partner" and who's also proud to carry the title "girlfriend" that I often find myself pausing and thinking if things are for real. If you know where I came from last year -- mula sa isang pirated na napeke ka sa samahan at isang pekeng siraulong lalo pang dadalawin ng karma-malas sa habangbuhay -- I was so ready to fully sign up and embrace the Brian Kinney-esque mode of my life for good, for all eternity teh! Ganun ang drama ng lola mo. Malay ko bang may mga nilalang pa palang maaasahang magmahal nang maayos at maaliwalas. Suwerte suwerte lang talaga. And... that's all I have to say about that. For now.

#akona! Heart heart.

Tuwa lang din ako sa aspetong personal, tulad ng adbokasiya. Buhay pa naman ang bahay sa larangang iyan kaya gorabels lang to the best of my abilities lagi ang peg. Tulad kagabi, niyakag ako ni byuti Bemz from Ladlad to guest as the L rep sa The Bottomline ni Boy Abunda. So taping galore kami kagabi at abangan na lang ang mga sinabi ng aking, erhm, matatabil na ummm basta, pasaway mode hahaha. Lekat. Heniweyz next Sabado daw eere. Abangan niyo na lang.

Nanibago ako sa on-cam mode -- at sa pag-identify bilang L! 

Lolz tago muna ang genderqueerness beks. 

Haven't done this in a long while, tapos ganito pa ka-huge ang sabak hehe. 

Heniweyz abangan sa huling Sabado ng June Pride Month sa ANC. 

Di ko knows timeslot so google na lang. 

[June 2014 photos swiped from Ladlad's Adel and Chris' FB tags/pages].

 At bilang last salvo ni Psych Prof. Erik beki sa UP Center for Women's Studies, 

may-I-attend kami nina Bubbles ng workshop chuvaness to enlighten  

engender their staff and such chenelyns. Kamusta sa pikit factor bakla.

Ayan mas matino ito. Hate my hair noon hm. Cut na 'yan. 

[May 2014 UP CWS]

Lumipas na pala ang birthday month ko at lumipas din ang Mayo at ang tag-araw nang walang kaabog-abog. Sabi nga ng isang gabay ko, i-celebrate ko daw ang last days of being 40 bilang feeling deprived ako sa masayang selebrasyon ng aking pagsalubong dito dahil sa kaganapan sa buhay ko last year na nakaistorbo ng major marker na ito. Kaya tama, 'yun nga ang ginawa ko. At malay ko bang may malaki palang sorpresang regalo sa akin ang kalawakan sa pamamagitan ng isang nilalang na buong summer kong kinilala ng husto sabay ng pagkilala kong muli sa sarili ko sa larangang ito ng samahan. Masaya siya, sobra. Pumunta kami sa kanila kung saan siya talaga nagmula, at natutuwa rin akong sa ngayon ay kapitbahay ko siya. 'Sensya na at talagang pinaninindigan ko ang hashtag invention ng mga kabatak kong #inlabsibayli hahaha. Ako na! #alamna. 

 Maganda ang araw kapag maganda ang iyong kasama. 

Maaliwalas ang panahon kapag maaliwalas ang inyong pagsasama.

Siya nawa. [April 2014 Baler fish port]

 

 Ang may kasalanan ng aking makasalanang bilbil ngayon. 

Siya nawa. [April 2014 Sabang Beach Baler]

 Kung ganito ba naman ang coffice mo araw-araw, 

talagang gaganahan kang magtipa for life. 

With bonus pako salad! [April 2014 Costa Pacifica Baler]

I'm also so glad that I'm rediscovering friends' capacities as well, in terms of our professional and personal dealings. Also glad to stumble upon new workmates. Yes, I'm in such a good place now that I keep thanking the universe for clearing the skies there for me when I thought I'd have to deal with rainclouds for a long time. Yes, it's good. It's all good.

Vast is the sky, beks. Ako na vast. Basta! [April 2014 Baler]

I hope you all are, too. More stories to come. In the meantime, hop on over to our refurbished POC Pinoy LGBT channel for more kuwentos. My Relationship 2.0 series is well on its way and I have three articles up, narrating the love I finally deserve plus the queer societal reboot that we seem to be having. Plus we're starting a new subsection called LGBT Erotica and I'm starting a column under that called "Kalibugan ng Kuwan" hihihi. Read my first article "Paano nga ba makipag-sex sa kapwa babae?" here.

Or maki-miron na lang sa @leaflens Twitter ko for more daily musings and kulitan. Visual version also available at my @leaflens Instagram account which I am also populating daily. Yes, I have to survive and I like making marks, so those are those.

Okay break time's over. Have a good one, folks. Over and out -- and proud!  

Life is short. Dive! [April 2014 Ermita Hill Baler]

Free to have free thoughts

So many independence Day chevers posted all around. Just thought I'd share some here.

First, bumping off my original pitch for POC and wrote this article for the Independence Day special:

Free to be… but are we, really?

Freedom. It’s hard to throw around this word this time of the year, this era in our lifetime. One needs to be flexible in order to enjoy a relative amount of it, this freedom. And this is how we Pinoy LGBTQs have been negotiating our freedom -- by being flexible. Sure, we turn the other cheek, but we never forget incidents. Yes, we try to treat others like how we want to be treated, even if they do bad things to us just because of who we are. We try to forgive those who have hurt us in the past and try to reach out to them in order to have better social/working relations, even if they continue denying us our humanity just because of our SOGI.

 Read the rest here.

Then I went with my pitch and did the Stonewall commemoration article and intersected it with another pitch about how other lesbians don't participate in the advocacy circles, which is totally fine: 

Seeing the spirit of Stonewall simmer

But really, who are we to say what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s effective and what’s backward, or what’s proper or improper? Sometimes, it is all about strategy as well – the strategy of living, and the strategy of survival. How they live their lives outside of the advocacy circles could actually be investigated further, for in their strategies, perhaps they are developing a new(er) version of activism in being queer, in a way writing a new guidebook for queer survival. Perhaps that’s an initial food for thought for all of us as pride month excitedly unfolds.

Read the rest here.

And then one of my superfriends' photog stringer friend got an assignment that meshed LGBTs and Independence Day. Kahit di pa wagi ang balik-alindog program ko, I said what the hey, anything for the cause, teh. Lagi naman eh.

Ito ang kinalabasan nun:

LGBTs speak out on independence in a conservative society

For Libay, a feminist and a human rights advocate, there is a need to change the mindset of society through legislation, education, and media. She thinks that there is a need for a strong law or to amend existing laws that will give rights to LGBT people to enjoy life the same way as heterosexuals do. As part of academe, she believes that it is a never-ending battle to educate the public, especially reaching out to those with negative views about them.

Read the rest here.

But I like the other photos better though.

Kumo-coffice mode with Morena my travel netbook. 

(June 2012 photos courtesy of AC Dimatatac)

I think the photog missed the point of my shirt design. Sayang. 

Oh well papel.  Salamat na rin. 

Check it out. My friends are also there: si Mama Danton my CW classmate long before Ladlad days, then Kakay my superqueer lezpastora friendsheep from Dumaguete, fellow queer blogger Tata, saka my former student Pat.


Ayuz.

Pride on, pride one

Because it's June pride month yo.

peace for pride at peyups (June 2011 UPDiliman)

Plus, you wanna see some history? Since I had to show this to someone recently, might as well share it with you folks.

Presenting the very first LGBTQ lifestyle glossy magazine in the Philippines. The maiden issue of ECHOES, 2001.

Yes, this was the very first. So if anyone else claims otherwise like someone already did before heheh, thank you to our friends who know the truth and went to our defense. Hahaha echos!

Sensya na wala akong matinong scanner so I just took photos. 

Just because we featured them doesn't mean they are. Let's get that straight. Straight as an arrow.  Get that? Straight.

Incorporating some artworks as well.

Less is more. More or less. And hmm ideya ng mga beki ang kinda baktongish approach ha. Ako po'y hamak na lesbiyana lamang, nagsusulat.

 

 I was so lucky to have met the wonderful people who worked in this endeavor. To this day, some of them remain queertastically as friends. Man I miss this gig!

 

 Bongga ni mama. Love the b/w glitter thingie.

Uncredited last-minute write up heheh courtesy of yours truly, to complement Jeff's article. Yah, my role as editorial consultant also meant taga-edit ng mga last-minute nai-submit at tagasulat ng mga di naisulat hahaha. Yah such is life, and it was great.

Fantabulous history.

Of course, our favorite queer hangouts. When they were still actually queer.

Travel buffs and queerdom meet. Of course, it had to be Puerto GAYlera anufi.

Lifestyle was my domain. Began my freelance writing life reviewing restos. Back in 1998. Potah tanda ko na. Pero hey cute pa rin. Chos.

Out and proud is cool. And we began with featuring friends. Two of mine, here.

 Experts weigh in on issues. Of course we had to have Neil.

Queer pioneers reprezent! Of course it had to be Tita Aida, the first lesbian to come out nationally in the country, in the newspaper pa, after the fall of the dictatorship.

 Queer supporters reprezent! Of course we gotta have a Holmes column. Gotta gotta gotta.

Genius graphic artist's idea to have a dual cover feature. We say go lang ng go.

 And therefore.

I can't believe our baby was made 2001 pa. Gosh kung totoong bata 'yan, 11 years old na siya at papasok na sa grade six, at inabutan na ng K12. At malamang pinatuli na 'yan last summer kung boylet o niregla na siya kung gelay. Ganun teh! Shet.


But seriously, I am actually happy that after this stint, at least 2-3 more glossies of the same persuasion came out within the 2000s. I also freelanced as a writer for some of them while eheheh modeled for one. (Yah! Me, a mowdel! Lekat next time ko na scan 'yun ha. Hehe. Abangan!) 

Too bad publications like these were kind of ahead of their time. Maybe now is the time... 

What say you?

Hmmm esep-esep... :)

38 realizations and then some

Squint your eyes and look closer--oh wait, wrong 30something countdown. Chos.

Was spending some time earlier doing what I love doing best these past few years -- writing and revising -- in a place where I am beginning to "un-feel" something that excited my blood some half a decade ago when I realized that I have been making or discovering or unearthing lots of realizations in my realities lately. So before my birthday month ends, I think I want to solidify these flurry of passing/haunting thoughts by writing them down here.

Yes, this will be an indulgence -- much like the rest of the content of this blog, as blogs are really meant for such, hey -- so bear with me. Yes, you can comment, why not. I am a fan of discourse and dialogue as I always say, as long as they are based and anchored on good logic and non-oppressive formats.

Yes, 38. Since last 24th, I turned 38. Gosh, I never realized I'd reach this age but hey, we're still here, and we're still queer. And no, it doesn't mean that each realization is something I highly agree with. You'll see.

So sige, let's do this.

38 realizations by leaflens on the occasion of her 38th bday

1. Despite the years, I am still hot. Haha! Or as we say in Filipino, may asim pa ang lola mo! Chos. I realized this because I saw how people kinda like me but are just fucking afraid of going near me. But that's another realization altogether. See #2.

2. Oo, malakas pala talaga ang dating ko. There's this thing in the Filipino culture where you are branded as someone who comes off as too strong--sometimes for your own good--to other people. But that's not really your fault. You're built that way and people react accordingly. So this means women who like you get intimidated to approach you (woe is me!) and wimpy co-workers evade you altogether because you can call them out on their shit without batting an eyelash while still looking so effortlessly fabulous. And in the Filipino work culture, that's not an asset. Woe is me.

3. No matter how I package myself as "queer" in the Philippines, I will only be perceived by the local LGBTQ community as a "butch lesbian." Like my good lesbian advocate friend said, "Libay, the Philippines is still trying to grasp the concept of the L and the G, and they haven't fully understood the concept of the B and the T." So yeah, in short, good luck to my Q!!!

4. I've been genderqueer-looking for years now even before I realized I was, or even before I discovered such a term existed. And there I was, thinking in all honesty that I can snag the pretty femme out there just because I am also femme (femmes go mostly for femmes here in lezmanila) but no, I have to remember that I would almost look androgynous if not for my freaking huge breasts and hips, which make me sexy. So thus...

5. I realized that I am really sexy, indeed. Hahaha! i just have to dress the part and I'm good! Heck, even straights hit on me when I'm in this "passing het" mode, so there. Hahaha! Which brings me to...

6. I can still pass as straight pala! If during meetings some random guy eyes you like he wants to take you out to a date or something, that really really really means something! Sorry dude, I only go for female-bodied persons. Tough luck.

7. After years of monogamous relationship after monogamous relationship, I realize I might not really be built to be in one for long. Either that or there's just slim pickings for me here in Manila. Or I might not be circulating in the proper crowds. Or maybe I am just conditioned to be with one partner but in essence, I really don't want that. Case in point: as I am seeing someone, I also get attracted to another one, and having crushes on others. And no, it's not simply being a big flirt. Still, with that being said...

8. I think my system would only accept monogamous relationships for now. And that thought scares me because it contradicts with #7. I guess I am a walking irony. And why do I say this? Because...

9. I realize I can't shake off jealousy that easily. Call me Juno but I guess there's this built-in thing when you get so used to monogamy to also push the button called jealousy. I hate it when I am a green-eyed monster like that sometimes, because it consumes me. And I hate being consumed that way.

10. And yet, I also realize that I am cool with open relationships. Now why is that? Maybe due to years of training as well, being with women who also had some thing or other with someone or other out there, during the beginning of our interactions. Which they eventually junk, by the way, to settle down with me in some form of monogamous bliss. But come to think of it, it's just a pity that we all have to end up in monogamy just the same. Which brings me to the realization that...

11. Women want to own me, just me. It's not an exaggeration if I say that all, like all, the girlfriends I've had in my life, uttered this one scary but singular line: "Akin ka lang, ha" meaning they are pleading-slash-reinforcing that I belong to them, and only them. Yes, my girlfriends are more proprietary than proprietary software for gosh sakes man, I swear. I don't know what's with me that they feel the need to put a tag on me and call it off limits to all. Hm. Flattering, I admit, but scary just the same.

12. Being an accomplished LGBTQ advocate in the Philippines don't get you laid, grrl. Like haller. The more people know you and your work in fighting for their rights, the more they avoid you and deify you like you're a golden calf or something. I remember this scene in the film MILK where Harvey Milk's admirers really go to his place and want to sleep with him, just cause, you know. Like that character played by Diego Luna. Hm I might be in the wrong continent to be such. Not that I'm being an advocate to get laid. No such thought in me.

13. The women who wanted to own me eventually ended up treating me bad. Now why is that? Maybe it's because when they are so sure that they had me on a leash, they forget to care. But they also forget that leashes are easy to snap out of. Hay, which brings me to...

14. Women who declare they love me all put me in leashes. And not the kinky way, mind you. Most of them limited my mobility in one way or another -- my artistic expressions, my interactions with other beings, my expression of my sexuality, you name it. I wonder if I have such a puppy personality that they feel the need to tie me up and lead me to the life they wanted for me/us, without asking me first. Sucks, right?

15. In essence, I really embody the "You complement me" principle more than the Jerry Maguire "You complete me" shtick. Like I said before, I am already complete; I am just finding people to complement me, friends and lovers both. The work of completing one's self relies only on one's self.

16. I realized that if I am indeed complete, then I shouldn't feel so unhappy when I don't have a partner/lover. And yes, to tell you the truth, I am indeed happy during these times. Unlike maybe 12 years ago, I guess I've come to be more mature and I've learned that there's no sense wasting over being so girl-hungry and such. Which leads me to the next realization that...

17. I should focus more on myself, and my self-growth. Because I have been setting aside my own growth for the growth of my current partner du jour, I always find myself lacking in terms of growing and nurturing my own needs. That's the sacrifice I chose to make during those days, and most times, I regret them, really. So this is why...

18. The next time I get into a committed relationship, I should keep more "me time" than "we time." Since you also need to preserve your own self intact regardless of having a partner. No, not a fan of that "two become one" shtick, sorry Spice Girls. Which also leads me to...

19. The next time I have a steady girlfriend(s?), we won't live in together. As a writer and probably who I am as a person, I value my privacy so much and I value it if I could keep a space of my own to do things I want to do. Sometimes, I really want to just be in a fortress of solitude like Superman. And I eventually fly in people meaningful in my life inside it every so often, if I feel like it.

20. I realized I have to stick to office hours-hours in order to survive one more year of teaching. Since it gets so lonely whenever the sun sets on me in my dear old alma matter these past few months, I feel I need to get out of the campus if I want longevity in this current course of my life. (Long story, hard to tell...) Just cause. Basta! But that being said...

21. Sometimes I feel I am not cut out to be an academician. Sure, I can spit and duel theories with you, draw up pedagogy chorva like there's no tomorrow, but the practitioner in me sometimes shouts that I could be of better use to humanity if I am outside the academe. Hay... tough call. Which leads me to...

22. If only I made enough money in being a writer, I'd be a full-time writer instead. But we all know that that's not the case here in the Philippines. Hay time management, wherefore art thou?

23. As much as I like working in mainstream media, I still am wary of it. Need I say more? I am an advocate of many rights and that doesn't jive well with some mainstream practices and reflections...

24. But I get drawn to work for like-minded individuals who turn out to be visionaries. I just hope they follow through with their visions this time, though, unlike in the disappointing past.

25. Despite my age, I still seek new challenges in the area of work. Because I'm not trapped in making merely money but making a dent in the universe, I still seek this. Knowledge above profit. Which is not good, I know, in most circumstances...

26. I don't have patience working with morons. No need to elaborate.

27. I don't have patience working with self-entitled powertripping assholes. Enuf said.

28. I think I want to teach where a class really wants to learn, not just whiling away time to finish a four-year bachelor's degree. Sometimes, it feels like that teaching in the premiere state university. I'd rather teach in some place where education will really make a difference.

29. I'm still not rushing things but unlike before, I now want to publish my own book and make my first full-length film asap. I don't know where this is coming from, but heck, if it drives me, then so be it, right?

30. I realize that, no matter what the leader does, the Philippines will still remain in this quagmire of corruption. Since it's already endemic to this culture, much like how tarsiers are endemic to Bohol.

31. I don't think I will ever see true gender equality in my lifetime. Hello the RH bill can't get passed, what more the Anti-Discrimination bill? And other things. Hay...

32. Friends are a thing of the past. The only person you need to rely on is yourself.

33. I am such a fucking romantic. Because I watch a lot of fucking movies and listen to Broadway tunes, is why. Hates. It. I don't want to be hardwired this way no more.

34. No matter how much I hate being in Manila, I'm too chicken to leave it. For some strange reason, we have this symbiotic relationship. Maybe because I'm a writer. Ewan.

35. As much as I'd like to migrate to North America, I'm reluctant to start over. A good friend reminded me of the privilege I have here over the years and yes, she is right. I have been so fucking privileged that I have yet to realize that. Like duh.

36. How I wish envy fueled me to strive more. But that's the thing: I really don't feel genuine envy. At all. Maybe that explains who I am today and why am I in such a state.

37. Yes, I am arrogant. As a friend told me once, we are all arrogant. So yes, I am embracing it. Full force.

38. I like being alone. Even if I have occasional bouts of loneliness and such, in the end, I still like my own personal space and time, my me time, my own time. And if someone didn't understand that, then s/he ain't a friend in the first place.

monthly curse, centuries curse

My freaking period came in early today and I don't know why. I'm supposed to get it like next week pa but here it is, waking me up from deep slumber. And I hate it. And yes, that is why I call it the monthly curse. Once a month, I hate being a woman because of this. I'm sure many of you out there could relate. Group hug!!!

So what does this mean to me? Super-back ache, the lower region or whatever you call that area right above the butt. I don't get pains on my abdomen or that general area. I don't know why. It has always been like that for me, ever since I was in college. Back then, the pain was worse -- I literally can't get up from bed as I am rendered helpless from the waist down. I hated it. Now, it's not like that but it still hurts like hell. Well okay, sometimes I can't get up but it's not that worse. It depends on my physical well-being at a given time, I think. Since I have been working out regularly for the past two months, the pain is not that persistent. So I have to keep up with this workout thing for this curse. And yes, AlaxanFR is my best friend as well during these trying times. Yes, Manny Pacquiao, please keep on endorsing that pain killer. I heart you.

Ah, curses! Good thing it came today so I'll be freer to roam around next week yay! Next week is Pride Week since Pride March happens on December 4. Yeah yeah, I'm marching, I'm marching, get off my back heheh (or get me on my back? Hehe sorry can't resist the segue :P). Two good arguments by two queer women sold me on the idea this year, so... Well maybe a little bit of marching but you know me, ever the photo documentor, so I am ever-present and I roam around. So I'll be doing coverage work for my Pinoy LGBT stint at POC (haha yeah Queer Woman number 1 made argument#1 when she was running out of arguments to convince me to march: "Libay, please attend the Pride March because we need pictures for our articles!" Hahaha! I said "Sure, fine, okay, let go of my arm now." Chos! :P). But as usual, I document these things for my own pictorial archive of the LGBT movement here in the country. But we'll talk about that more next time.

So anyway, last Tuesday, I found myself in dirty, grimy Manila to collect some overdue writers payments and stuff. As I was walking along the Intramuros side where the Manila Cathedral is, I did a double-take because I saw something at the facade.

Look:

Can't see it? Let's take a closer look.

To the left, to the left.
Sorry Beyonce but it ain't about being bootylicious.

To the right (wing), to the right (wing)...
What's the freaking number for?
"Call us if you hate the RH bill, too,
so we can throw curses at these Damasos..."

I was like, what the fuck is that????????????? And yeah, I guess it's all about fucking, and being fucked, for centuries now. Centuries-old curse: religious intolerance!

Since I was preoccupied last weekend up to early this week, I didn't have time to update myself with local news. I was just mortified when my friends from the Reproductive Health advocacy circles started posting videos on Facebook about what happened last weekend.

This particular one interests me the most, since it was also edited out of convenience when this bit made it to the news.

And wait for what that guy shouts at 00:06:14 and 00:06:30. Yes, you have to hold on to your seats for that. Ready? Press play.





Did you miss it? That dude said "You should have told your mothers to have aborted you!" [06:14] and that lady said "Ask your mothers to abort you!" [06:30] and then the woman protester at the end just kept on saying how, in the depressed (poor) areas, you really can't do the natural method since it doesn't work, so she did pills and stuff.

Huwaaw! May ganung factor???? Away, Satan!!!!! *tumbling!*

So that explains that sign I saw at the facade. Freaky, huh?

But I like how the freethinkers just clapped their hands when those two peeps just shouted those lines. So, um, sir, ma'am, are you pro-abortion, then? Homaygad! Did your god hear you shout that? Tsk tsk. Say 10 Our Fathers, 20 Hail Marys and 30 Glory Bes now. Now nah. For salvation!

Hay naku. This is how warped this issue has become. But this still proves one point: that their freaking rosary is still inserted inside our freaking ovaries. Hate that.

All this Pro-Life/Pro-Choice/RH talk just makes me flashback in a weird way during this time I was with my film school friends when we were working with this Fil-Canadian lady producing a documentary for TV called "The Role of the Filipina in National Development" back in 1996. Oh man, I was what, 22 or 23 then? Jeez! And ever the videographer, I was carrying the camera and we walked inside Caritas Manila to interview some woman there who was supposed to give her insights about the docu topic. But just when we entered one of the offices, some crazy nun started showing us these huge posters of aborted fetuses which of course had to look all gory and icky and stuff. One even shoved this small figurine she was holding in her hand in my face while she was ranting about the "philosophies" behind those crazy posters. At first, I couldn't make out what that figurine was, but upon closer look, ah yeah it's that -- an aborted fetus. Made of rubber, I think. Or made of plastic, like them. If my life were a graphic novel then, that scene would have carried a panel with my thought balloon reading: What is this nun about??? Getmeouttahere! Now naaaaaa!

That was so fucking crazy. My girl friend was looking at it as well, and I could see that she was having a harder time hiding her disgust. My guy best friend was also looking but as usual, the artistically weird person that he is, he just absorbed the scene and played along with the crazy nun. When our shoot was over, of course we discussed it and just laughed at the incident. We even thought of comeback scenarios for that nun, if ever that moment gets replayed in our lives. My girl friend would tell the nun that she was having--hold your horses!--premarital sex with her boyfriend!!!! My guy best friend would tell the nun that--oh nooo!--he masturbates!!! So I kinda ran out of my own shock value excuse since, um, hm, I was still a virgin then and um, hm, I didn't subscribe to any kind of "label" then (but of course by default, people think I'm straight because I have big boobs. Yes, that's a valid equation/hypothesis/conclusion in the Philippines). But ah, a couple of years later after that incident, I guess I made my big in-yo'-face: I became a lesbian!!!!! Insert thunder and lightning here. Woooooo! My ticket to damnation! Yes, my friends and I are a merry bunch of sinners.

And a few weeks after that shoot, a campaign was launched and the country -- or at least Metro Manila -- soon became familiar with the terms "pro-choice" and "pro-life." Hmmmmmm... When was this? Fourteen years ago? Hmmmmmmm...

Cut to: present time.

Fourteen years after, nothing much has changed. Well, the world changed, in some parts. Like hey, look at what our main colonial master did -- they legalized freaking gay marriage? Good heavens!!!! While us, its former colonial subject, still have people banishing satan awaaaaaaay! because people want to use condoms. And protect women. And protect people. Generally.

Haaaay lost...

I never really had a clearer and bigger picture about how fucked up RH situations are in the world because of bigotry, prejudice and religious righteousness until I started being exposed to women's issues at my former NGO, Isis International. While working there, I came upon this group Catholics for Choice or something like that which had really cool campaigns about contraceptive use.

Look at their poster:



Cool, huh. Look at more here.

But that's the thing. How come those Damaso RH "protesters" were excluded from this so-called religious ritual? They are, after all, Catholics, too, as they said. But alas, there is a "right kind of Catholic" as that pro-life person said in the video. Hmmmm...

The right kind of Catholic. What is that? Beats me. I've lived in this country for 37 years now and I don't think I've seen the right kind of Catholic, yet. I didn't know that there was a right way and a wrong way of practicing your religion according to so-called religious leaders. Hay curses, foiled again.

I think the point here is, when are they going to open their eyes to the real realities of things? Like that poor woman from the urban poor sector said, their realities are different where they are. But these church-going people in Manila Cathedral have their own kind of realities, I guess. I just wish they won't impose their own kind of morality on others, you know. Especially on the poor and disadvantaged people. Hay...

Manila, my Manila, what will happen to you?

And going back to me, I guess every time, every month, I get this monthly curse, it's just sad to think that I don't even have a say in what goes on in my body, according to the laws of this land, according to the non-insinuated "laws" of the Catholic church. Who owns women's bodies? Sadly, in the Philippines, not the women.

And I get reminded of that ownership every month. Every. Freaking. Month.

Where's that freaking Alaxan?????? *pop*

mid-week lull

It's a rainy Wednesday here in Metro Manila so it's a good thing I decided to rest today, stay home and relax after almost four days of being away out of town.

That new header picture was where I was:

first time to see a Philippine beach this year

That's White Rock beach in Subic, outside SBMA I should add. Dati pa siya, right? I've been to SBMA several times during my, ahem, youth (my pop managed the phone system set-up during Gordon's time, right after the Americans left the naval base), but not here in White Rock.

Well, I was trying to post this one:

first day beach view from the resort area

But it won't fit. So there.

Will retire this one for now:

dried leaves in a New Jersey backyard, March 2010

Yes, I took that picture. It's not part of some generic template, mind you.

Anyway, the weekend getaway was fun, although it's not exactly a vacation. I was there to conduct a video production for advocacy workshop with a group of media practitioner friends. It was part of my old women's media NGO office Isis International Manila's activist school program where Asia-Pacific and Filipino women NGO workers stay here for a few weeks and learn theory and praxis stuff focusing on specific advocacies. This workshop's theme was Re-examining Gender-Based Violence, as I learned that GBV is the new term that somehow replaced VAW, or violence against women.

So I taught the production and advocacy lectures while my friend and colleague X taught the editing lecture. We subdivided the participants to three groups and each was expected to create their own film there. And they did, under our supervision and coaching.

I love this photo:

me supervising the third team's shoot,
with L-R Bushra from Pakistan, Yuen from China,
and Pratima from Nepal

Looks like a movie still of a Bollywood film, thanks to Bushra's South Asian looks there hehe (photo documentation by my friend/teammate Teta).

So that was where I was. And to tell you frankly, I really, really, really love this engagement. It's everything I want, ideally, out of a job: teaching media production (especially filmmaking) to people with an advocacy bent, doing (women's rights) advocacy work (although I also like LGBT rights, of course) while getting paid (even if it's not that big; I make exceptions for my types of advocacy), and being with like-minded media/arts-oriented friends. All in one.

That was last weekend.

But this gig is not yet over. As my post title says, this is the mid-week lull. Tomorrow, the video production participants will finalize their films, polish their works and learn extra about DVD file conversions and stuff. Then on Friday, there will be a launch of their works, the video prod peeps and the participants who joined the other workshop in Subic, the theater production peeps. That one was handled by Mae Quesada from PETA.

From our rough presentations yesterday before we left, the feedback and reactions from both groups were good, and also inspiring. The new sistahs at Isis were happy, and I'm feeling they want us to do this again. Well actually, they do, as their mother hen told me already hehe. Man, I am so there! Anytime, I told them. Anytime. Yeah, I really live for these things. That's why I hope to do more.
*

It's also my break today from starting school. Sure, sometimes it's fun to teach the young ones about filmmaking, but then sometimes the advocacy part gets lost on them. I guess the usual college student is more self-centered these days more than before. And this is what saddens me. Some are afraid of being labeled as activists, some evade calling their works feminist, and some are just plainly apathetic about what goes on outside their comfy internet-wired bedrooms. But still, I teach, and I won't leave teaching until I somehow affect at least some of them about how to treat the world fairly, equitably and humanely while doing the craft and art both they and I love.

I guess teaching gives me some kind of positivity, some hope that future citizens would be better than present adults, since some adults have been giving me some shit lately even if I am already avoiding them. Hey, that's another blog post, bleh. But we start all that acad stuff next week, during the second week of class, during the time I know most of them are done with their enrollment stuff. I don't want to teach a class that's not yet ready. So I'll see them next week.

As for now, I'll just chill and write here, post some stuff, face other work engagements, and relax.

and we rest