What can you say about a life that never had a chance to be lived? Lived out loud, lived in the open, and lived in peace, at peace, with one's being, choices, decisions.
One could merely speculate.
When I outed myself back in the late '90s as a lesbian to my cousins, it's to react to a rather misogynistic post made by an older male cousin who's in the US military. Army or Navy I can't recall, but he's been there for a while. The post is just one of the maloko posts, like a picture of a jet/plane painted with some sexist shit, I think. Or homophobic, even, I can't recall anymore. Yeah, maybe it was some kind of gay-bashing, to be exact. The exercise is the equivalent of sharing FB posts or memes in your private egroup. In the late '90s and early 2000s, we cousins did that in a family yahoogroup.
Of course, as a bourgeoning feminist, I won't have none of it. So I called him out, and in the process I outed myself. What if he was mocking lesbians, or women, and I happen to be both. I think I said something like that. So I asked for respect. And outed myself as an example. Would you malign me? Something like that.
Of course later in our annual year-end family reunions, it was a big topic. My sister and I have always said that the Linsangans had a faster network than the internet in spreading stories about whoever. And my outing was the big news of that season. Whoopteedo. Ugh.
Perhaps it's a matter of being uneducated much about the topic, or the world hasn't really Ellen-ified itself yet at that point -- or it hasn't trickled down to Pinoy culture yet -- but being LGBT is still such a scary topic to touch. Especially in a family that didn't have one rainbow carrier -- or so it seems. Maybe not having one that's obvious, I mean, for that outing produced four kinds of reactions from my relatives.
Reaction 1: The come-here-so-we-can-cure-you reaction.
I remember we were in the Provident Village house of my tita here in Marikina, one of the frequent venues of such reunions for it was big enough to hold all of us 7 families and sub-families down the generation line. I went to the long table where the food is served, and I think four female older cousins were there, huddled and talking about something.
While I was deciding if I wanted to get fresh lumpia or not, one of them said "Huy Libay, 'lika nga rito... turuan ka namin maging tunay na babae. Hahahaha."
And in my mind I was like, oh, so I'm a fake woman now, just because I outed myself as a woman-loving-woman? Ah okay, sure, whatevs.
I remember just smiling and walking away, munching on whatever it is that I put on my plate, stuffing my mouth with food in an attempt to not say anything scathing back at them. I kinda wanted to say sana "So nakaka-ilang tunay na orgasms na kayo sa life? Kasi kaming lesbians, ever single time, eh. Eh you?" But I didn't have enough raging lesbian-feminist energy that time, so I let it slip.
Reaction 2: The we're-laughing-behind-your-back reaction.
My mom was the second to the youngest of 8 siblings, so naturally I had nieces and nephews that were not too young I often mistake them as my cousins sometimes. One of them was a snarky little bitch, the daughter of an equally snarky cousin but wasn't bitchy at all to me or anyone. Maybe this niece got her bitch from her father's side, the good-for-nothing pogi tambay, her a product of unprotected neighborhood landian, you know the type.
So this snarky bitch even had the gall to say, "Tita Libay, ano ka pala? Ano ka daw? Ano ka, eh. Ano... hahaha." It was like she was debating with herself -- as she was saying it to me -- if she'll tease me or not. And in my mind I was like, Child! Go back to where you came from. Not gonna interact with you, ever.
Reaction 3: The wish-I-were-you reaction.
That same reunion, I decided to just sit in corners and wait the whole event out until it's time to go home. But one of those corner hiding moments was disturbed by the wackiest cousin I had, the loudest even, and a bit bullying if you're an introvert or pikon, as she was a big joker and kidded everyone -- young and old alike -- without reverence to who she's poking fun at or anything of that sort. And it's always green joke central with her.
With this kind of persona, you really can't tell if she's kidding you or not at a given moment. You know that kind? Yeah, we all had one of these in the family, right. That's why when she quietly sat beside me in that corner and told me she envied me because I can be who I am openly, I assessed like The Terminator assessing if he'll shoot a person if she's telling the truth or pulling my leg. After some time, I deduced that she was for real.
"Buti ka pa! Buti ka pa!" was her mantra on loop. Paulit-ulit ampotah. I didn't know exactly what she meant, so I asked bluntly. "Bakit, ikaw rin ba? Ano ka rin?!?!" And she beamed with pride that she could show me and only me, "OO 'no!"
And then we got to discussing when she discovered she was one (high school pa lang daw o college yata, basta school-age post-puberty) and if she's sure (super-sure) and why she never pursued it. "Ano ka? Atakihin sa puso sina Mama, 'no!" Okay, so in a family where an unwanted pregnancy out of wedlock early in life won't warrant a parental heart attack but coming out as a lesbian would, okay then, so be it. 'Yan kayo, eh.
And then I remember her changing her mantra on loop to "Galing! Ang galing! Galing! Tapang!" Paulit-ulit talaga ampotah ang kulit. But I suppose to someone who chose to closet herself for fear of losing many things, it was indeed a courageous effort. Sometimes I forget about that angle, given that, unlike her or some other relatives, I left home as soon as I could afford to live on my own, as soon as I could pursue being independent, 'yung ikaw ang bubuhay sa sarili mo ba. That kind.
But maybe I'm just built differently than them, though. Or maybe I stopped subscribing to the usual societal scripts passed on from gen to gen in this society of ours that even a small show of independence is construed as an offense. It was her mother, after all, who also told me in a later reunion, this precious line: "Oy, may bahay kayo, bakit hindi ka dun umuuwi?"
I swear, you can't make this shit up.
Reaction 4: The we-don't-know-how-to-react reaction.
Of course, aside from these selected face-to-face reactions, there's always the behind your back reaction. And it has always been a given, for I understood that they don't perhaps know how to react to such a stimuli. Again, this is the late '90s, even early 2000s, and waving the rainbow flag is not as obvious as being pro-dictator's son and shit.
*
Of course it's not all too bad. I indeed have some family members who were more welcoming than others, in ways they could show, albeit awkward. There were two memorable reactions here, as well, which took place way later already. And by way later, it was the late 2000s and mid-2010s na, when the world is slowly catching up to the better side of things.
And also, I stopped attending those reunions after Reactions 1-4 happened. I only came back years later, for my mom's sake. And lo and behold, enlightenment of some sort. Ish.
Reaction 2.0 v1: The nice-to-meet-you reaction.
Of course it had to be my more enlightened cousins and cousins-in-law who welcomed my partner at that time with this greeting. [Also, did it matter na pare-pareho kaming UP graduates? Hahaha. Yes! In a way hehe. But I digress.] And it was genuine.
Or maybe it was also baffling for them because they've always seen me as feminine-ish-presenting (i.e. an astig femme) when the Pinoy concept of the lesbian is merely the butch male-presenting pars na pars stereotype. And to bring to the party an equally feminine-presenting girlfriend in tow perhaps made it clear to them that I'm another kind of tomboy, you know. Whatever that kind is, I didn't care to dissect anymore at that point. Take it or leave it na lang, mga beh. Kebs na ko.
But still, I was glad to see their reactions. There's still hope. For some of them, at least. Kahit katiting.
Reaction 2.0 v2: The I'm-still-grappling-with-this-fact-but-you're-still-okay-naman reaction.
I really can't fault some relatives if they can't cross over to the digital side of things and if they choose to live in analog, you know what I'm saying? To each their own.
That's why it's funny when I brought my last partner and her kids to the reunion, the first time I did. And I labeled us as "rainbow family." But when an older cousin was mentioning us or calling us for the usual parlor games or such, she said, "O, Libay, sali kayo. And bring your... friend."
Hahaha that cracked me up. And just shrugged it off. Talagang may ellipsis pause siya pramis hahaha. We really can't expect progress from everyone. So gora lang. At least some of 'em are trying naman. Ten points for Gryffindor na lang.
*
Well, I suppose this flashback was triggered by the death of a cousin. Si Reaction 3. Stroke daw, but that's about all I know.
These later years, we've never really gotten together as a clan anymore, even years prior to the pandemic. Many of us have already left the country and stationed themselves in America or other parts of the world. And those who were left here also had their respective lives and networks of their own. So perhaps we don't have that old energy anymore of gathering up just like the old times. But that's actually okay. In fact, I only went to these shindigs in support of my mom. But even she is okay with not having these shindigs anymore. She's in touch with my titas anyway who are in the US (and yehey marunong na siyang mag-video chat sa messenger with them hihi), and some of them older titas already passed na. So I suppose that's that na, for her. And also for me. We see each other online, on Facebook, and that's okay naman na, I suppose.
Wala lang. I was merely wondering about Reaction 3, kasi from time to time, we still saw each other in the panaka-nakang reunions we have had before. She was telling me in secret where she "gets" her women na daw those days hahaha. Ang kulit pa rin ampotah. Prior to that, she was asking me where to meet women daw. Curious na si bakla that time siguro. That was the time of the makasaysayang Downelink of the aughts as I liked to call that site hahaha. Sabi ko mag-online siya dun, but I didn't think going online was her thing back then. Well, back before Facebook happened, anyway. And later, mukhang alam na rin ng iba sa fam 'yung tungkol sa kanya. Pero parang past fact na lang ang peg. Unrealized, kumbaga. Siya na rin mismo ang nagbabanggit. Or maybe dismissed na lang as the usual "lesbian phase" ganun. It's easier to digest in society kasi. Or easier to shrug off. Well, whatever works for her, I suppose. And the others.
And when her mom died and I went to visit with my partner then, 'yung dinala ko sa reunion as my rainbow fam ek, I saw na naman that spark in my cousin's eyes, the Reaction 3 spark. The wish-I-were-you spark. She was extra warm to me, and extra warm to my ex-partner. I suppose part of her had a coulda-woulda-shoulda moment in her. Now that her parents are gone, could she? Will she? Should she? I never knew anymore, for the clan already drifted apart, save for these occasional small-ish gatherings for a purpose or other. Well, mostly lamay.
It's just strange that in this day and age pa rin pala, one could just go from the closet to the coffin. This really tells me that we still have a long way to go. As a culture, perhaps it's hard to reconcile being an LGBT member in the modern age and a Filipino trapped in traditional thinking. Even if some of us have it easy, easier pa nga, there are still some who still keep this thing under lock and key.
And this is why I think we still have a long way to go regarding this advocacy. Eto nga't we're still grappling with sexist shit -- state-sanctioned at that -- what more homophobic shit, di ba? Hay naku, such is society. Kaya we all better vote the proper people this time. And maybe if some of us still remain to live in analog ways in the digital realm, that's okay -- for as long as there's also that good old-fashioned respect, and perhaps understanding, of why some people are the way they are, then that's good enough an existence. Live in harmony, and just don't step on other people's rights to be free, happy, and real.
Respect pa rin. Don't just tolerate; understand. Anyway...
So long, cuz. RIP. Rakenrol ka na dyan, wherever you are. ☮
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