It's a Sunday as I type this, around four in the afternoon to be exact. It's a special day for Christ-loving Filipinos -- even those who support sons of dictators who had people killed -- because it's Easter Sunday. Easter nga ba? I have long shunned such practices of organized religions that I really can't recall some of 'em anymore. But it's what they call in Filipino as "Pasko ng pagkabuhay" dahil Jesus rose from the dead, after dying last Good Friday at around 3pm impunto. Kung paano nila narating na itakda ang saktong time of death ni Hesukristo is beyond me. Basta follow lang where He leads, ganun.
But this is not a religious post. This is about another kind of awakening. Or reawakening perhaps, and not the kind that leads to enlightenment. Well, sort of, maybe. Kasi kahit papaano, naliwanagan na akong meron pa pala akong trigger na naiwan sa akin ng isang '90s trauma. Ish. Anak ng totchang sa layo 'no? To be exact, 1997 siya. Kung hihiramin ko ang Delorean ni Marty McFly, pwede kong tuntunin ang exact time and place when that trauma started this trigger. Hm, but do you really want to do that? Maybe for small ones that don't matter much -- until it triggers you nga. Siguro.
Listeners of our old podcast TitaTibx know very well na ako ang always triggeredt tita between the two us na host hahaha. Trademark ko na yata ang ma-trigger. May painuman pa nga daw minsan sabi nung isang listener, na tuwing mati-trigger daw ako, isang shot! Hahaha malalaseng kayong mga teta nyan hahaha. But eh, whatevs.
Anyway, I was quietly doing some relaxed work this afternoon when I recognized again a music sampling in one of the lo-fi playlists I love sa Spotify. See, I subscribe to all kinds of lo-fi instrumental beats kasi, na ito na pala ang tawag sa dati kong alam na chillout/lounge/triphop/trance and their intersections. LO-FI. Cute naman. Mood music rin, and I always tune in to the coffeehouse/cafe vibes, the upbeat beats, the chillax or lounge beats, mga ganyan, perfect background music for working without calling attention to itself.
That is, until may sumingit na isang sampling sa isang song na tumugtog. At ang background ay naging front-and-center bigla.
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In the '90s, back when people and posers lol loved going to ABG's, I loved going to a bar called Lava Lounge in Makati instead (less konyo, ish lol) because the DJ was spinning vibes like these doon. There saka sa Verve Room sa Malate ko lang naririnig 'yung ganito dati. And no, I didn't go to raves. I didn't like techno techno lang kasi. |
If you're not familiar to music sampling, it's a heavy hip-hop practice way before hip-hop was known as rap, like legit orig rap rap, y'knowwhatimsayin. I'm a huge fan of the genre when it evolved, and one trademark of the early days was getting some bars of music from an existing song and repeating it over and over to integrate it into a new song. Kaya siya sampling.
Ito 'yung ginawa ni Vanilla Ice nung '90s sa "Ice Ice Baby" na 'yung umpisang beats niya is a sample of Queen and David Bowie's song "Under Pressure." Eh hindi nagpaalam si bakla hahaha kaya they sued him. Ewan kung sino nanalo, i-Google niyo na lang. But that, in a nutshell, is what sampling is all about. We hear this now everywhere, not just sa rap or hip-hop. Kahit mga pop songs ginagawa na 'yan.
So apparently, this one song in one of the lo-fi playlists of mine had a sample that triggered a '90s memory for me. It's a Portishead sampling, isang grupong parang ninuno na rin nitong lo-fi of today. So siyempre, ang trigger at trauma ay ex-related lol, a tale of how I became an accidental kabit hahaha lekat.
In the '90s, kapag may ka-LDR ka, lalo na sa USA, mahirap mag-usap araw-araw. Mahal ang per minutong call, di pa naiimbento ang video chat let alone text (or hindi pa pinalalaganap ng Globe sa ibang networks ang SMS at wala pa ang Smart nito), aabot ng 3-4 weeks bago makarating ang love letter mong hinulog sa post office, pati package na cassette tape na pinag-record-an mo ng musings mo sa nyowa mo kasi mas tipid ito at mas marami kang masasabi sa isang 90-minute cassette kesa sa 9-minute phone call na almost 20x siguro ang presyo kesa sa presyo ng blank cassette at airmail stamp.
So when I met this girl who said she likes me pero meron siyang ka-LDR na parang papawala na sila kasi nga bibihira na silang mag-communicate kasi nga LDR heygard, I thought it really was the tail end na of their relationship. It was March 1997 when I met her. We broke up December 1997. In the middle of that, dun ko nadiskubreng accidental kabit ako, kasi kahit hindi pa naman siya official na hiwalay, may emotional connections pa rin pala naman, unlike what she implied the first time we got together. Of course she could refute this, but well, that's how it was impressed upon me. And people around her started saying na she should choose na between the two of us, or to let go na lang of the one in the LDR kasi malabo nga ang LDR talaga, to begin with, or bahala siya basta huwag kaming kawawain pareho sa sitwasyong ginawa niya. I never pressured her to do any choosing, but I did chime in on the fact that she should tell the other one about me, and then saka siya mag-decide. After all, years later, I would develop this kind of nontrad thinking na it's okay to have multiple people in your life for as long as you all know each other's existence. Walang secret-secret. But of course, when you commit to being monogamous, then by all means uphold it naman. Ganun lang naman kasimple sa akin iyon.
Pero iba pala sa kanya. Or kanila.
All of a sudden, nagka-dilemma siya. Parang "torn between two lovers" ang peg na di ko magets. Sabi siya nang sabi na papawala na sila nung isa yadda yadda, pero as the months progressed, siguro may lumalamon sa kalooban niya kaya nag-iiba ang timpla niya dun sa isa. She finally got around to saying it in a cassette tape, and when the other one received it, she made the expensive call to Manila to say na she's going home sa Pasko and they should discuss muna in person before deciding on whatever. And I was like, e di good, sige gora 'yan. And she was thankful that I thought that way. At that point, I even told her keri lang if hindi ako ang wagi sa usapang ito, kung sila ang matuloy. Ang mas importante sa akin, honor the timeline na lang of deciding when the other one comes home.
But the plot twist is, bago dumating yung isa, this torn girl broke up with me bigla. Walang kaabog-abog. Doon ako nagulat. Ang ganda ng usapan, di ba? Adult-like. But I guess at the tender age of 23, you can't still be considered a full-ass adult, kasi malapit pa 'yung 23 sa 19, sa teen, teenager, like anak ng teenapay sa biglaang desisyong walang isang salita. Anyway kebs.
So the long and short of it is, I was staying in her room, in a 3-room old house where 2 of the other rooms were being rented out to other people ng nanay niya who owns the house, or tita yata, basta family. Para siyang caretaker occupying the 3rd room collecting rent. Wala 'yung isang renter for the yuletide holidays and the other room was locked na kasi kaka-move out lang nung andun. Nakakatawa kasi to add insult to injury, gusto niya doon din tumira itong balikbayan niyang ka-LDR sa same house where I was also living since we hooked up nung March. Wagi 'no? Ano 'to, Melrose Place??? Kaloka si ati.
Pero siyempre bahay nila 'yun, wala pa akong means to move out somewhere dahil biglaan lahat, so sabi ko dun sila sa newly vacated room leche. So inari ko 'yung espasyo niya hahaha. Buset eh. Pero dahil nga andun lahat ng stuff niya, gusto niya doon kami mag-meetup, kaming tatlo, hang out and get to know each other, inuman ganyan. Ang ganda ng eksena di ba? Pampelikula ampota. Kung di ka gagawing serial killer character ng moment na 'yun, siguro unabomber pwede, na iisang tao lang ang target mong tsugiin lol.
Ang haba ng back story ng trigger na ito, 'no? Kailangan kasi ng proper setup para mas maintindihan ang impact kung bakit trigger 'yung trigger. So eto na nga. Dahil parang mas matured ako at si balikbayan dun sa girl-in-1-degree-separation namin, open kaming ma-meet ang isa't isa at mag-usap -- which we did, later on, pero di namin sinama 'yung isang tanga hahaha. Kaba niya kung ano magaganap sa amin. But we just talked like the adults we are (or we're tying to be), and just concluded that such is life. Hinayaan ko na sila, and I told them to just leave me be. Na hindi namin parehong sinadyang manggulo ng anuman or manakit and stuff like that. In fact, enlightening siyang kausap, and she said the same about me. So keri naman kami. Balik tayo dun sa tanga hahaha.
So eto na. Kakarating lang nga yata ni LDR, gustong iuwi ni tanga sa room niya, mag-meet at inuman daw kaming tatlo. O e di sige, dala kayo bote, jamming tayo. Dun kami sa kuwarto niyang katiting, na mag-dalawang dipa ka lang eh sagad na ang wall-to-wall. May component siya na may CD at cassette player. Ikinasa niya ang isang CD na dala ni balikbayan as background while we were making tagay in between uncomfortable silences and tanga's attempts to lighten the obviously heavy walang-uuwing-buhay-dito situation. Being a semi-people pleaser -- or maybe para lang walang dead air sa aming broadcast day -- the ex raved and went on and on about her balikbayan's choice of music faves, mga inuwing CD ni ati from the yooseopey na parang di naman naririnig sa Top 40 Pinoy airwaves pa back then (or maybe sa niche lang like 99.5RT at NU107 lang ganyan). Isa na nga doon itong CD ng Portishead.
Now since I love lounge/triphop-y sounds like that, dapat nagustuhan ko siya di ba. I love their groove. It's just that this one song of theirs na sikat 'yung paulit-ulit na pinatutugtog ni tanga that night. And it stuck to my brain, and unfortunately, it stapled itself to this trauma file that this episode produced. That I didn't know all this time na, in the filing cabinet of my mind, andun pa pala itong stapled song na ito, naka-attach sa file ng particular traumatic moment na 'yun for me. So naturally, whenever I hear that song or even just a sample of it, my mind suddenly time-travels back to that night, that episode, that moment, that halukay-kalamay feeling happening on my insides, clouding my brain, and hurting my heart. And I didn't realize na may ganung effect pa rin pala now, pero not that powerful enough to knock my wind off. It's like a momentary stop lang, napapaisip ka, like biglang naalala ng utak mo o puso mo (o pareho sila, I dunno exactly) 'yung sakit ba. No, not the lost love or breakup or any romantic pining shit like that. Shit na lang 'yun sa akin now. It's all about me, the trigger, and how I was made to feel. Parang mas 'yun ang naiwang latak, I suppose.
But the effect, like I said, is not that impactful. In fact, it's like an echo of an effect na lang. Ito pala 'yung sinasabi nilang echo na lang, na parang alam mong andun 'yung tunog, pero wa ka na care sa pinanggalingan, pero minsan may naiwang tunog lang na kasingbilis mawawala kung gaano kabilis ding lumitaw ito. Echo nga eh. Hindi nagtatagal. Parang ganun na lang. So I suppose it's not entirely a huge trigger, like trigger-trigger, now that I write about it. It's merely like an echo of a trigger, latak siguro ng naramdaman noon, ganun na lang.
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Songs -- even samples of them -- could make you travel back to memories past. Just gauge the kind of journey you'll embark on. |
It's strange how thoughts and feelings could play tricks on you sometimes. And it's also comforting, in a way, to know that such a monumental trigger of yore could be now reduced to an echo of its existence. Madaling mawala, sa isang iglap lang din ng paglitaw niya. And what's comforting about that is the fact that I GOT OVER IT. Kung anuman 'yung yucky episode na 'yun na ang sama sama sama sama sa pakiramdam mo at that time, isang blog post na lang siya ngayon. Like part of your personal narrative. Not a good part, but a part nonetheless -- one that made you, or makes you, what you are right now. The fact that I was able to overcome whatever it is that I needed to overcome that time, I did it mehn. Mas doon ako nako-comfort. I DID IT! Sabi nga ng isang friend sa akin lately, "Kaya mo 'yan, ikaw pa." Parang sa tingin niya, may track record na ako of surviving, I suppose. And yeah, I think I like that perspective and angle -- track record of survival. Overcoming. Being able to overcome. Becoming. Becoming stronger. Become you.
Ayus.
You know, that night, I kept on saying in between the uncomfy silence na this could all become a good scene for a movie script someday. And that's what I did with my anger, resentment, sadness, and brokenhearted grief that time -- I rolled it up into one giant ball of ink and used it to pen a screenplay that would later give me an honorable mention award at the 1998 Film Development Foundation of the Philippines' annual scriptwriting competition. Yes, children, pwede mong gawing art ang trauma, at puwede mo pang pagkakitaan lol. Pak na pak, 'no.
Funny what an afternoon could bring. Amusing what life makes out of it, too. Mga patay na nabubuhay. Mga nabuhay na di rin naman nagtagal. Ang kamatayan ng pagdaramdam. Ang pagkabuhay ng tamang pakiramdam.
Word. ☮🧡🔥
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