tick tick... huh?

It's strange. I just finished watching Tick, Tick... Boom, Lin-Manuel Miranda's film take on Jonathan Larson's bio-stage musical. It's good, really nice. Poignant, now that you know the back story of it all, or perhaps the forward story of it. Fast-forward to his almost 36th birthday, as Rent is about to break out to become the breakout of all breakouts of that time for him. But sadly, he wasn't there to see it. Tragic.

What's strange, funny in a non-funny-haha way, and perhaps inspiring-ish, is that it's strange how I discover his work at a time when perhaps the universe wants to tell me something. Like I was, what, just a newly outed lesbian during the late '90s. Some smart dykey kiddo introduces the musical to me, in tapes, I think. Like cassette tapes. And I've never identified with any artistic work more than I did with that creation at that time -- and oh, Reality Bites, man. Well, after all, these are cultural products of my time, like Gen X time. Power to the Gen Xers, baby! That's us. That's me!

I just find it fascinating how some people are so absorbed with making it with an age deadline. Like, you know, self-imposed.

"I want to make my first million at 30!"

"I want to have my own car at 25!"

"I want to do my art before I turn 40!"

Yadda yadda yadda. You know how it is.

Such an obsession with age. And this race against age. What's up with that? I never could fathom that. Or perhaps I'm one of the lucky ones who never had to. After all, some things fell on my lap during certain stages in my life that, if you look back now, indeed seemed a bit... ahead. Of my time? Nah. Just... maybe ahead. Or like, I dunno... Nauna akong nakarating doon bago ang iba. Bago ang lahat? Hindi naman.

Well, hindi naman kasi ako obsessed sa age race na ito, to begin with. Or even career race, as well. Like back in film school, UP CMC Film Dept pa lang noon, I had friends, classmates, who were already hell-bent on their career track even before we graduated. Heck, they already ACTED the goddamn part even before we left the campus, you know. Like ang angas na, ang snob na, ang diva na, ang attitude na. Sure, there's something to admire with these people. But I question the way they pave their paths kasi. I don't believe in stepping on other people just to get your way. So I ceased being friends with the likes of these. Them. Medyo marami sila, eh. Eh ang lola mo, nag-segue.

Sure, we were all film majors. But I also developed this sudden talent to write. Well, not that I haven't been doing this sort of thing. I was doing some things back in high school. I've long been writing journals back when it was still not icky to call them diaries. I mean hey, after all, Anne Frank set the bar high, y'know. Rest in power.

So with this writing thing, not that I was a newbie or an overnight sensation. Heck, I cringe and shiver at the thought of being regarded nga as a sensation... even if that was what happened during my turn at the UP National Writers' Workshop in Baguio, my first literary workshop ever, back in '97. A year after Rent debuted on Broadway, at wala pa akong kamalay-malay sa kanya. March 'yung sa Baguio, so I was what, 23 pa lang mehn. I entered two short stories in Filipino, one about this someone committing suicide, and the other is a children's story about environmentalism. The second one was okay, it was supposed to be my film thesis back in MassComm, pero na-reject. So I turned the script into a short story instead. Pampadagdag lang actually sa submissions, because they needed two to workshop. I only had that one, the more controversial one, "Si Joe Cool Kasi."

Do you know how controversial that was? You know, you had the likes of Dr. Jing Hidalgo, theater stalwart Anton Juan, I think national artist NVM Gonzales, feminist writer Lilia Quindoza-Santiago, sino pa ba andun? Basta, ang dami ng panel eh, people I just met at that time, kasi wala naman ako sa literary circle, malay ko ba. Galing showbiz lola mo, so sina Ms. Boots Anson Roa ang mga nakakakila sa akin, mga ganyan, galing sa showbiz work ko sa Premiere Productions. 

So this is what went down. Hindi ugali sa workshop na alam kung ano and gawa nino. Pseudonyms kami lahat, para objective ang analysis. Big reveal lang kapag 2nd week at 2nd work mo na yung wino-workshop, saka pa lang magpapakilala. Tapos puwede ka nilang tanungin about your work. Eh kasi sa sobrang baffled sila sa naratibo ko, may gusto silang malaman. So it required revealing the author na. Excited kasi ang discussion. The story is about a person who committed suicide, and she was talking to someone na pinagbilinan niya sa suicide note, a best friend, pero di siya naririnig o nakikita. Now the way the story went, hindi mo alam if multo ba siyang nagmo-monologue na di nakikita ng iba or what. And then it led to the discourse na baka naman hindi dalawang tao ito, kundi iisa lang. Aha! Tatalino mag-isip ano? So sila-silang literary greats, they were debating the merits and details of my narrative. Man, I tell ya, debating! Ang init lang ng usapan grabe! At sabi nga nila, magpakilala na ang author para malinawan silang lahat dahil walang makakatulog sa gabi kakaisip hahahahahaha. So I did. Tapos nagpalakpakan sila grabe. Nakakaloka. I can't forget that moment, ever. Sobrang... kakatuwa. Kaka-humble. Kaka-proud. Ewan. Basta. 

Suffice it to say that that Baguio event was a big turning point for me. It somehow legitimized that I can be a writer pala -- of literature. I mean, sure, my film teachers have always praised my stuff, the biggest and maybe one of the earliest compliments I got for my writing was in scriptwriting class. And then I got picked pa for a special advanced screenwriting workshop sponsored by the French Embassy. I thought scripting for film and TV would be my world. Medyo-medyo, later, oo. Pero may pivot muna pala sa literatura.

At the age of 23 pala, napuri ako ng mga literary greats, na hindi ko pa alam na greats pala sila. I was elated and humbled at the same time. At 23. And I never really pegged my age to be important then. Basta andun ako, in the here and now, enjoying the space, absorbing the events, relishing the learnings communicated my way. Ang saya, ang sarap, nakaka-proud. Na may kaya kang gawin sa sarili mo, without connections, and to be praised for your work -- lauded, even -- oh man, 'yun pala pakiramdam ng jackpot.

But wait, there's more! Meron pa pala. Big reveals.

Pivotal talaga ang 1997. So siyempre nag-Abril, ang 23 naging 24. At ang Marso na-fast forward sa Setyembre, September 1 to be exact, ang laging araw ng award-an ng Don Carlos Palanca Memorial Award for Literature. Malay ko ba kung ano 'yun. Well, oo, the year before, alam ko na. I submitted a script, try try lang. Saka some chaka-chaka poetry, juvenile stuff. Try try lang. Olats. Eh nitong 1997, sinali ko itong dalawang na-workshop sa Baguio. People encouraged me to enter them, so I did. Pero ang mas gusto ko talang prize eh sa scriptwriting category, kasi nga alam ko yun ang strength ko. Pero lo and behold, maikling kuwento category pala ang kokorona sa akin. Pareho silang nakasungkit ng premyo. Third prize pareho. Keri lang. Di naman kailangang first. In this world kasi, a Palanca is a Palanca is a Palanca. By any other position would smell as sweet. Hahaha sorry Shakespeare, pa-plagiarize kay Juliet.

So I was an adult, and I won two Palancas na. All before I turned 25. So major achievement pala 'yun. I didn't know, man. Like I said, I never put stock in this age race in my life. No biggie. But then, a year later, ewan kung nag-25 na ba ako nun or what. Oo yata, nag-birthday na ko. Sinali ko naman ang isang full-length script sa annual FDFPI screenwriting compet. 'Yan 'yung ang tawag na ngayon ay FDCP, 'yung office ni Liza Diño now. One of the 10 honorable mentions, out of hundreds that regularly apply. Again, accolades. At age 25. And it was at that awarding ceremony that I outed myself to my mom. Well, push and pull, man. But that's for another post.

Again, ayan, edad na naman. So 25 na ko. May awards na ko, paano ba 'yan. Tapos mga year 2000 I finally had my script work aired on TV. Epol/Apple, sa Dos. It felt nice. Y2K, turn of the century ba, the millennium eklavu, basta. I turned 27 then. I can legit call myself a scriptwriter na, paid at that. Then I quit that to pursue a newspaper job. A friend referred me to an opening, a pivotal one pala na madidiskubre ko na lang later how, parang 'yung pagpasok ko sa literary world na wala akong kakila-kilala sa kanila pa. Ito naman, what, I was 27, 'til 28. I became the entertainment editor of a small tabloid-size newspaper called Pinoy Times, owned by PDI founder Eugenia Apostol. And then nag-EDSA Dos. The paper had a role there, if you remember your Erap impeachment senate hearing case chuva. Yes, children, parte ako sa dahilan, ish, kaya napatalsik si Erap sa Malacañang hahaha. Sorry not sorry. Plunderer eh. Hay, Pilipinas kong minumutya... but that's another post again.

Again, babalikan na naman natin ang edad. Late twenties na pala ako, pero di ko naman masyadong naramdaman. Nakatungtong na ako ng trenta, the big 3 0 na much celebrated ng iba, much dreaded, or much whatever. Much ado about nothing naman for me. Ewan ko ba. Sabi ko sa inyo walang rele itong age race na ito eh. I'm just glad things happened the way they did in my life. Saka ko na babasahan ng iba pang theoretical analysis kung ano ang naging epekto sa akin niyan regarding professional and personal ties, relationships, and stuff like that. Meron, actually, now that I'm plotting it like this, na about and around the age race thing, thanks to Jonathan Larson's Tick Tick lintik na muni-muni. Ayan, napa-recall tuloy ako ng sarili kong boom booms ng life.

So yeah, ang bagets pa pala nun, no? Come to think of it. At 23, at 25, at 27. Every two years may ganap, beh! Hanep no. Tapos ang susunod nang ganap ay yung sa pagtuturo na. Aughts na rin, 2005 to be exact. That same year kinulit-kulit ako ng mga leche kong kabarkada noong college na magdirek sa Siyete daw. Kasi nasisita na sila ng accounting hahaha. Puro sila-sila ang nasa payslips, director slash writer slash EP slash AP whatever. So I reluctantly agreed to take it on. Bakit ba. Wala namang mawawala. Not that I haven't been directing anyway. Dami ko nang na-direct na docu saka AVP as rakets back then. So TV directing is just another form. Gorabels.

So again, back to that age race. Ilang taon na ba ko nung nagdirek ako? If 2005, that's 32. The same age and year I became a university professor with the lowest ranking ever: instructor. Naabot ko naman ang pagiging assistant prof, pero hindi ko rin naman hangad yung mga title-title na yun. Gusto ko lang namang magturo, ganun lang kasimple ang objective eh. Yung ibang tao pala kasi sa akademya, as I found out, iba ang obsession. Full professor, merit promotions, chenes chenes. Siguro keri lang sila dun, kasi dun tutok ang career nila. But I never really sought out to be that kasi e, you know. Just like how the trajectory of my so-called career came. I go where I feel like going, or where the universe nudges me towards, tanggap lang nang tanggap, trial and error. Masaya naman eh, basta kumikita ako ng pambayad sa Meralco at rent, gora. Basta may makabuluhan akong naiko-contribute sa mundo dahil sa trabaho ko, gora. Ganun lang naman eh. Unlike my film classmates na hell-bent. Ayan, at that age, thirtysomethings na kami, may ulcer na, may sakit sa kidney, sa kung saan pa, naoperahan, etc. Mga stress-related sicknesses. Media life pressures. Mga sickening paths to stardom. I don't wanna even go there. Ibang post na lang din yun. Basta in short, ayoko ng naging buhay nila. Kahit mga naging direktor eklat eklat sila. Di naman yun ang aim ko anyway.

Ngayon ko nga lang napapagtanto na ang big deal nga pala when you frame achievements via age, no? Pero OA lang kasi yung obsession dito. Mga 20 under 20, 30 under 30, mga linshak na countdowns na ganyan sa mga glossies. Kakatawa. Well, okay lang naman ako sa mga crucial pivots ng life ko. So marami-rami na rin pala akong naabot at narating sa murang edad pa lang. Ngayon ko lang nakikita nga how big of a deal it was. At 23, 25, winning awards. At 27, 32, being in mainstream media. Kakaiba, no. Kakaiba.

Kaya siguro ang petiks lang ng pakiramdam ko now, at 48. Dalawang kandirit na lang, half a century na ko, pare. Pero wala naman akong hinahabol pa. Wala akong obsession. Yung iba naman, may mga obsessions pala na being the first naman. Na again, it doesn't really matter to me. The first lesbian to do this do that. The first woman to be like this like that. The first Pinay to achieve this achieve that. Ewan ko ba, sa inyo na 'yan. Sino ba nagsabing may karera ang buhay, at dapat nating unahan ang isa't isa? Like that age race, I never could really fathom this race to be the first at something. May contest, teh? I didn't get the memo.

Basta ako, chill lang. I'm zen, I'm happy. Be nice. Be kind. Magkaiba 'yun ha. Exist within, reverberate throughout. Ganun lang. Waves. Comes and goes, crests and troughs. Try to surf life. Hang ten lang lagi. Sana. Sure, may wipeouts. Pero natututo ka kasi for the next steps, for the next waves. So it comes, and it goes, and it comes again, and it goes again. But you're still there, breathing, alive. And free.

So, may idadagdag pa ba ako sa roster, now na may nahakot na naman pala ako sa buhay regarding age-pegged accolades and milestones? Hm, petiks lang. Bago ako umalis ng peyups nga pala, after teaching for 8 years, na-bestow-an lola mo ng titulo ng UP System: Artist 2. Na dapat 2010 na award siya, pero 2011 ata dumating dahil delayed, o 2012 na nga yata. So sige, sabihin na nating 2012 ang awarding. Anong ganap? I was 39 na at that time, UP Artist II pare. Biggie ito sa system, so keri na rin. Then a year later, before turning 40, I up and left hahaha. Without a kabog. Kapag puno na ang salop, sabi nga kasi ni FPJ dati. Layas na lang ang queen of walkout hahaha. But that's for another post again.

Nang lumipas ba ang 40, may bagong ganap pa ba? Oo naman, may pahabol pa pala si universe na di ko naman namalayan, damay lang ba. Mga 2014 pala yun, a year after my short stint sa Rappler, na-award-an pala 'yung trabaho ko dun. Damay lang sa accolades, Spark Media Excellence eklavu. I didn't even know may ganun. Sinali ng mga bagets ang brand marketing campaign na pinangunahan ko doon. Again, di ko rin naman hiningi 'yun. Pinasubok lang sa akin ni Maria Ressa nung pumunta ako dun para interbiyuhin siya for the CCP Encyclopedia of Arts, isa siya sa toka ko sa raket na 'yun. Matagal na kasi akong binebenta sa kanya ng common good friend namin, as a lifestyle and entertainment beat editor dapat, papabukas pa lang si Rappler baby niya. Di naman naganap. Pero yun nga, that time na pinuntahan ko office niya, humingi ng tulong si ati. Alam niya yatang feminista rin ako tulad ng friend namin, eh ganun yung campaign, tapos lifestyle pa, women empowerment. Attend daw ako ng event and tingnan ko lang if bet ko. Pina-meeting ako sa mga bagets in-charge doon sa campaign. Attend naman ng event si bakla, gora naman ng meeting si bakla, getlak naman ng project si bakla. Sayang, raket eh hehe. Saka ganda ng bayad so go! Kaya after my peyups titser life, balik media ang raket ulit. And I couldn't be happier.

O e teka, anong edad na ko nun sa Rappler? If 2014, alam ko nag-birthday na ko, nasa somewhere in Samar-Leyte ako for a Typhoon Yolanda book project, tawag mga bagets, winsung daw kami sa somewhere sa Singapore awards eklat. O siya, teynks for the FYI. Kakatungtong ko lang ng 40 nung hinila ako ni Maria sa baby niya, so 41 ako nung nanalo kami ng something something. Ewan, nasa LinkedIn ko yung details, tingnan niyo na lang hehe. Pero ayan, oo, wala pa ring humpay, may humabol pa pagtungtong ng kuwarenta. Kahit di na bagets, may nagegets pa rin. Kereh.

O ayan na. Age race, age milestones, chenes chenes. May hihingin pa ba ko? May ipagdarasal pa ba sa universe? Wala naman. Mga bonus naman na kasi yang mga ganyan ganyan sa buhay, award award. Kaya kuntento naman ako. Happy kaya ako sa life stages ko, kuntento ako sa life journey ko. Hits and misses, I won't trade them for anything. Choose your own adventure ito, eh. Lifelong. And I'm liking the trajectory, so far, of my narrative arc of life. Maganda ang plotting, pasado kay ma'am hahaha. Char.

Siguro ang aim na lang ng life now, na tatapak na tayo sa tapwe, ay ang yumaman hahaha. Doesn't hurt to ask! And it doesn't hurt to have it. It's security, baby! Sa totoo lang, yung nagsabi na money doesn't buy you happiness, tanga lang niya at di niya alam kung paano mag-spend hahaha. Not in a materialistic way, hey. Basta. But that's for another post na lang din. Hahaha daming digressions ihhh. Bakit ba. Blog ko to eh. So there.

Anyway, konting tumbling na lang, Abril na. Tapos 49 na ko. O di ba, itong Tick Tick Boom eh 29 si bakla na nag-a-a-angst sa buhay, kesyo wala pa siyang nagagawa sa buhay, samantalang si Stephen Sondheim daw eh 27 nung unang lumabas yung obra niya eklavu, West Side Story nga ata yun. Ewan. Age obsession, is it an American thing? Now that it's like 20 years apart kami muling nagtagpo, 29-49, ano na ang ganap, koya? Napaisip ako sa mga nilalaman ng musika niya, nilalahad ng kuwento niya, pinapakita ng pangarap niya. Na ang bottomline ay: hindi libreng mangarap. Kailangan mong paghirapan. Siyempre, hard work naman talaga ang susi sa lahat. Pero kasi iba yung minamadali mo sarili mo. Parang ang stressful lang nun. Nagpa-panic siya sa pagiging 30 and wala pang ganap. Well, kanya-kanya na lang tayo ng tahak, beks. I'm happy with my trajectory. Sa totoo lang, nakaka-relate ako sa sitwasyon mo sa Nueba York noon. Been there been that! LOL. Pero at some point, we need to grow up. And I'm glad I did.

I have a secret. Aaminin ko na, na nung pinapakinggan ko ulit ang Rent in my 40s, you know whose musings made more sense now to me than anyone there? Yung vini-vilify nilang si Benny.

What happened to Benny

What happened to his heart

And the ideals he once pursued...

Kanta mo nga. Pero alam mo, his idea made the most sense!!! That concept of the cyber arts building? That was golden!!!

You want to produce films and write songs?

You need somewhere to do it!

It's what we used to dream about

Think twice before you pooh-pooh it

You'll see boys

You'll see boys

You'll see - the beauty of a studio

That lets us do our work and get paid

With condos on the top

Whose rent keeps open our shop

Di baaaaaa. Parang matagal ko nang pangarap yan, isang building na may business para sa mga biyaning: may mini-sinehan, cafe, tugz-tugz club, self-service laundromat, a 7-11 hehe, tapos nakatira ka sa taas, penthouse. Langya. I swear, nung narinig ko ulit ito, I caught myself saying... ang tatanga naman ng mga whiny 'Muricans na 'to hahaha. Nanglilimahid na kayo ihhhh, di pa ba mag-iisip kumita ng pera? Hahaha. Ewan. Pero of course, the original intention of this character and his ideas is not lost naman sa akin. Para lang itong nung pinanood ko ulit from season one ang Sex and the City nung mga late 30s na yata ako. Muntik ko nang batuhin ang TV at nabubuwisit ako kay Carrie hahaha na parang, ayan kasi, labo mo teh, gaga ka eh, arte-arte, kaya urong-sulong sa yo si Big. Hahahahaha naintindihan ko na si Big!!! Eh kung kalukadidang ko rin kasi si Carrie, malamang binato ko ng sapatos yan sa inis at sa arte hahahaha. Binato ng Blahniks niya hahaha kainiz. Hay. Ewan. Life.

Yeah, I grew up. I freaking grew up. That's life. My life.

Anyway, it's nearly 4am as I wrap this up. I closed up shop at 11ish kasi, had dinner after that, decided to watch a movie para ma-digest ang food before I sleep, kaya nag-ending tayo kay Academy Awardee filmie na iti. Tick Tick nga. Infernez kay lolo mong Lin, maganda nga siya. Dazurv ang noms. So abangan na lang natin next week ang resulta.

Kaya heto, napasulat ako ng muni-muni, kahit near 2am na, dapat natutulog na ko. Eh may nasundot sa utak ko itong pelikula, sa puso pati, sa diwa at kaluluwa lalo. Kaya heto tayo, tumitipa.

At oo, kahit para doon lang, maraming salamat, JL. Tagal ko nang di nagtitipa nang matagal, nang mahaba. May nag-udyok din nung isang araw. Nasusugan lang ulit ngayon. So perhaps I really needed to see that film at the time I did. I don't know why. Again, perhaps the universe is telling me something. What it exactly is, is a mystery I'm happy to leave at that, for now -- a mystery.

And hey, if you're still here after all this, thanks for reading.

Nyt world.