early morning dread

Ang ganda pa rin ng bahay ko. 'Yung pakiramdam na gigising ka at makakasilip ka mula sa bintana ng ganitong tanawin.

Good morning, sunshine.
[March2022 Marikina]

Peaceful.

Kahit higit isang dekada na 'ko rito -- nearly 15 years to be exact -- maganda pa rin ang gising ko sa umaga. At never kong na-feel 'yung early morning dread. Alam mo 'yun?

Buong buhay ko, ramdam ko ito, eh. Nung bata pa 'ko, gigising ako -- or correction, gigisingin ako -- dahil papasok na sa school. Mula sa earliest memories ko na 5 years old ako, katabi ni Lola sa kama niyang malaki, ramdam ko ang "dread" kasi nga parang tinatamad ka pang tumayo, inaantok ka pa at ayaw mo pang magising, at gusto mo lang matulog muna. 

Dread. 'Yung pakiramdam din na kasi di mo gustong pumasok sa school kasi may bullies, pagti-trip-an na naman nila ang high-tech mong relong bili ng Papa mo sa Japan trip niya, kasi may dice game. Bongga kasi 'yung ganito, sa Japan lang nabibili, wala pang for export, at bihira ang ganitong relo noong grade 4 ako, 10 years old, 1983. Panahon ng diktadurya pa rin. Minamando-mando ako ng mga tyrannical classmates kong mas malalaking bulas kesa sa akin. Sobrang bait kapag hihiramin 'yung relo ko, tapos halos ihagis nila pabalik sakin nang may poot kapag kukunin ko na. Yeah, dread. I dreaded that feeling of being bullied.

Dread. Akala ko noong elementarya lang itong pakiramdam na ito. Buong school life din pala. Siguro, part and parcel na ito ng pagiging estudyante, na dinisenyo ang early childhood life natin na ipilit ang pagpasok sa eskwela, whether you like it or not. Kukuha at kukuhaka ng edukasyon, by hook or by crook. Parang there's no other way of existing save for this one. Not that I dread learning, but I dread some "small" things associated with it lang, or perhaps I'm rebelling against these rituals. Like bakit hindi pwedeng after lunch ang classes? Pwede rin bang gabi lang? O kaya kahit late morning tawad na, mga 10am siguro simula, hindi yung pipilitin kang gisingin ng 6am (or 5 if malayo school mo sa bahay), tapos commute ka o ihahatid ka o susunduin ka ng school bus/van/jeep/tricycle service mga bandang 6-6:30 depende sa dami ninyo at sa ruta ng sasakyan papasok sa school mo. The more layo you are, the bigger your suffering. Olats ka. Basta makaabot lang sa 7-7:30am flag ceremony at hindi mamarkahang tardy, pilit kang gigising kahit tulog pa ang diwa mo.

Nawala nang slight ang dread na 'yan nung college, na hallelujah praise the godless society of UP na you can choose your schedule of classes pala!!! Freedooooooom! But no, kung wala kang choice at kailangan mong kunin ang dapat kunin, halakata, suffer ka sa 7am PE2 class na -- wait for it -- swimming!!! Sa second semmmmmm! Kung kelan malamiiiiiig! Lekat. O kaya kung may prof kang hinahabol o klase na umaga lang ang sked nila kasi, surprise (no) surprise, rumaraket sa labas ang titser mo after lunch hanggang gabi. Na saka ko lang nalaman kung bakit nung naging titser din ako dun -- baba sweldo, mehn. Di ka mabubuhay kung gusto mo ng konyo lifestyle hahaha. E kung simpleng tao ka lang naman at kaya mo ang payak na pamumuhay, aba gora! Natatanging guro awardee na 'yan, o ha! Chos. 

Pero kahit pala paglaki ko at ako na ang guro, minsan nga may early morning dread pa rin sa paggising. 'Yung tipong ang aga ng sikat ng araw pero kailangan mas maaga ka sa kanyang bumangon para makipagsapalaran sa sakayan palabas Marikina papuntang Katipunan Ave, tapos pila ulit sa jeep papasok peyups. Kelan-kelan na lang 'yan. Isipin ninyo 'yung palabas Marikina papuntang Ortigas na office kaya, na noong panahon ng late '90s at even early 2000s ay pahirapan pa rin kung wala kang tsikot. Suwerte ang may tsikot... o hindi rin. Kasi nung una, may tsikot akong pumapasok sa opis, pero sapalaran din sa traffic, ngawit paa sa kaka-menor, at gudlak na lang kung may maabutan kang parking spot na bukas pa along Emerald Ave. or thereabouts. 

Again, it's not that I don't like waking up to work. In fact, I loooove my work. It's simply this early morning dread of waking up way too early to overcome what you know will be obstacles to reaching your happy place of work. That's because some systems -- or many, perhaps -- in this country never work well. Back then, I should say. And to some extent, even some, now. There has been progress, for sure. Like for one, I'm happy about the invention of ride-hailing apps. Pero siyempre kailangan malaki-laki ang budget mo sa mahal nila di ba. Kaya yeah, hail for work-from-home setups na rin! 

Kaya wherever I find myself waking up during certain mornings, minsan makakaramdam ka ng dread na ito. Pero hindi rin pala ito exclusive sa kung ano ang gagawin mo sa araw o mga daily hurdles na haharapin at feeling mo ayaw mong gumising. Minsan, depende rin kung saan ka gumigising.

This was how I felt waking up sometimes beside an ex of mine, in their ancestral home na '70s pa yata tinayo. You know, sometimes houses have this feeling, that they make you feel this early morning dread. I don't know why. Maybe it's the way the sun shines inside the room, the way the rays hit your face or body while still asleep, or maybe the overall general feeling of discomfort that you don't know existed, pero napaparamdam sa iyo somewhat. Or maybe it's also the heaviness of their house, the decades of unresolved family issues, the ongoing family discrepancies, the neverending covert/overt family tensions. Negativities also permeate the air, and it was very obvious in that house. That big, once glorious, but now sad-looking house. Feeling ko nagpaparamdam din kasi 'yung bahay na hindi na siya inaalagaan nang husto rin. Kaya ganun na lang ang aura na namamayani doon. And siyempre, nagta-translate minsan ito sa early moring dread nga. 

Kaya sobrang happy respite lang tuwing uuwi o babalik ako dito sa bahay ko, sa kakarampot kong 40 square meters na existence, pero siksik naman sa aura ng maraming paghuhugutang peace of mind. Na minsan na akong nagkamaling nagpatira ako ng mga nilalang dito saglit na nakayurak ng aura na iyan, nang bongga, among other things na nasira nila sa bahay ko without remorse man lang. Nababoy baga. Kaya ayoko na, wa na. Kung magkakajowa ako ulit, live out pare, live out. Iba pa rin yung mag-isa ka sa bahay, but that's a philosophy for some other time.

Anyway, I just wanted to jot this down. Been a while since I went back to blogging. I was in the middle of working here on my bed this morning actually when I chanced upon that view outside my window, the sun shining and beckoning, making me feel like I want to rise up and face the challenges of the day -- sans remorse, sans regret, sans dread. And this, this is when I know I'm in my happy place. That feeling of waking up without that early morning dread. 

I'm home. ☮