connection

how often do we need to connect to others to feel we're alive?

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just watched the pilot ep of HEROES on the c/s channel. there's this congressman-wannabe whose rich biyuda mom got arrested because of shoplifting socks. nakakatawa kung tutuusin pero when asked why she did it, sabi niya " to feel alive again."

there was no connection there, at least the direct one, pero same goal siya. to feel alive.

baligtarin natin. when do you feel dead?

can you answer that, honestly?

ako, i'm not sure.

*

the reason why i love the movie STAND BY ME, aside from having a great storyline and great actors, is that i love this line uttered by river phoenix's character.

"i wish i could live in a place where nobody knows me."

made a poem with that line. stashed here somewhere. i don't feel so confident about my english poetry so i don't show it to anyone. emily dickinson mode. chos.

i'm at this point in my life right now where i feel i need to restart, reboot the system, totally. if needed, i'd get a new operating system.

sometimes, i just want to draw a line around me, make it a ring of fire, so no one could approach me, and all things they hurl at me would get burned, and the burn would backdraft towards them. balik sa inyo. kumbaga. those childhood play words, kung totoo man..

*

a friend suggested na baka hindi reboot ang kelangan. baka realignment lang. kumbaga sa kotse, ayusin lang ang paling ng gulong, alamin kung bakit laging pumapaling sa ibang direksyon. baka nga wala sa alignment ang gulong. mahirap talaga yun.

baka nga.

lately it seems i'm running on empty. parang laging natutuyuan ng gas. ewan ko ba. i don't know what triggers that. gusto ko lang ikuwento dito. baka may maka-relate at may suggestion, makikinig ako.

*

pero start of the sem na naman halos. reboot galore na rin ito. yun lang ang gusto ko sa teaching. every sem is a reboot of sorts, kahit minor. kahit di total defrag. puwede na.

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don't get me wrong. i still feel alive. just...clouded, i guess. by lots of things. my mind just needs to unclutter. dami kasing iniisip lagi e...

and no, i'm certain: i don't feel dead. just...overwhelmed. and exhausted.

*

but yes, i need to connect. to people. or at least, persons. i don't need a crowd when one person would do.

and most times, one is enough.

*

one thing i haven't been doing since this new millennium/decade started is meditate. i think i need to get back to that. that worked well before. i should continue that, no? yeah.

only the venue is not apt for that.

hay naku, ayan na naman tayo...

basta. i swear this should be the last. up or out na ito. out of the country, that is. talagang last na, kasi napapagod na ko sa kakaganito.

basta.

i'm talking to myself, don't mind me.

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i just realized i miss dancing. dancing in a safe space with kindred spirits.

the problem is, my dancing partners are no longer my kindred spirits. part of that cleansing thing. better off than... whatever.

*

sabi rin sa HEROES kanina, "love is overrated."

not so original, but still so true. so we forgive the writers for being cliche.

*

to connect with those who connected here...

indi thanks for that comment. life truly is weird mare. pero hope you're happy where you are, weird man ang paligid or not.

ponpkpn, will really call your graphics talent someday for some project like that. sige ha.

ki thanks for your insights. ayoko na kay reema chanco hahahaha. what a fleeting crush. parang haiskul. hehe. cattyshack it is! just let me get that damn visa and visit ako jan in the near future. ayoko nang maging lesbiyana sa manila. masyadong maintriga. kahit sa hindi jowa, pinipilit kang i-partner up. chismosas... labo.

glenn intriga ko sa nobela. basahin ko nga yan.

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such is the burden of being out. may kausapin ka lang, may tignan ka lang na babae, may batiin ka lang, sasabihin nilang type mo sila. may kasama ka lang lagi, jowa mo na. labo.

ang utak talaga ng tao ano, by default malicious.

i wonder why is that so. hypothalamus problem? hmm. realignment lang yan mga ati.

*

natatawa ako sa mga paimportante.

*

ayoko na kay angelina jolie. i divorce you i divorce you i divorce you. hiwalay na tayo. hehehe. chos.

she's just so het now. wala na ang kanyang bisexual mystique. blah.

same with michelle rodriguez. blah. lost na siya ever. basta.

*

bakit ba puro bisexual ang na-a-attract ko? weird lang. am i some kind of bisexual magnet? hm.

ewan.

but this one, i really want an answer from the universe. di ko kasi maintindihan e.

wala lang...

*

a friend read my palm earlier. mataas daw ang libido ko. tama ba? hm...

buti naman. at least with that, i know i'm alive!

ayuz.

*

sa mga may sakit diyan, get well soon.
sa mga aalis, bon voyage.
sa mga dadating, welcome back.
sa mga nandyan lang...salamat.

umiikot na chenelyn sa chuva na itich huwaynat

sa dami ng nadaanan ko, nakausap, nakapalitan ng kuro-kuro at nanais na makapalitan pa ng karagdagang kuro-kuro ngayong araw, di ko na alam kung ano ang uunahin kong banggitin sa inyo dito.

i guess that's the curse of people who think too much, comme moi. haynakuh. again, gusto ko regaluhan niyo ko sa pasko ng "turn off brain momentarily" device para naman makapagpahinga ako at ma-enjoy lang ang buhay as it flows. di ba? hay...

i am eating piattos as i type this, any lo and behold, my cat likes to eat piattos din. hm. sabagay, kahit anong kainin ko, type niya kainin...

whoa waitaminit. siguro naman hindi. panu kung ang gusto kong kainin ay....*tutut!* hehehe.

bastuuus.

*

i hate it. the freaking heat is back. ilang araw na tayong presko sa wakas after that april heat tapos aaarrrgggh babalik lang pala ngayon. hay nakuh. climate change na nga ba ini!!! super. ang henet sa bahay na toh, it's even hot to have sex mwahahahahaha. yah ganon kainit. kainizzzz.

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speaking of sex, ang tagal ko na ring tagtuyot kaya siguro sumisipa na naman ang libog mode ko. hello tignan nga sa baba ang pukimonologue ko. kung di ba produkto yan ng libog, ewan ko nah.

hmm pero reremedyuhan natin yang tagtuyot na yan hehehehhe. soon! abangan.

*

i opted to go back to the dating circle again,just to feel that i'm alive and still kicking, and i am amazed at what is available out there. it's just surprising to find openly out people like me out there, hanging out with openly out people like them, too. see, for the longest time, i've been tied to women who are closeted in one form or another, be it their family, workplace, or whatnot. but as a good friend once told me, kasi i am attracted to women that are hard to have. hence closeted nga. hmmmm, revelation!

pero ngayon, parang gusto ko na ng babaeng hindi takot ilantad ang kanyang sekswalidad sa labas ng lipunan. isang babae na hindi natatakot sa sasabihin ng iba, at walang ganong mawawala sa kanya sa pagpapakita ng sarili niya sa madla. not to get me wrong ha. this is not dissing closeted people. i respect them with utmost pride, kasi i know how hard it is to keep this facet of their life hidden. sana nga, kung puwede lang, i-open na lang ang lahat. pero iba nga kasi ang kalakaran ng society, kaya hindi puwede. ganun talaga ang buhay e...

may kaibigan akong ilan nang date ang ganun, di takot maglantad. naninibago nga siya, kasi halos lagpas sampung taon siyang tali sa tagong relasyon. ang hirap ano. samantalang ako, limang taong tali at tago dati. ayoko na yatang maging tali at tago...

hay.

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kung may natutunan man akong aral sa kaganapan ng buhay ng aking bespren n si carol, ito ay ang palasak nang aral na LIFE'S TOO SHORT! as in, life's too short to have regrets, life's too short to wonder on what you want to do, life's too short to just watch it pass you by without being in it. yun. ganun kaikli ang buhay. di mo alam what will happen next, kaya dapat live life to the fullest. sabi nga ng aking bading fictional idol na si brian kinney, no regrets, no apologies dapat. tangina fuck your brains out mwahahahah.

pero that's the gay guy speaking. iba pa rin ang babaeng nagmamahal ng kapwa babae e. lalo na sa bansang ito. hay nakuh...

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commercial. congrats sa friend kong si omeng at natanggap siya sa iligan workshop! yehey! kasama niya si det. ayus. maghasik kayo diyan ng chorva, mga byaning at bading! go ever!'

puta bat ba kasi nalimutan kong ihulog ang entry ko e. e di sana tatlo tayo diyang manghahada esteeeeee magwo-workshop teeheheheehe. e kasi i focused on my energies sa iyas e, laos naman. i guess saint la salle is not too keen on lesbian stories, hane? hm, e ang habol ko lang naman sa bacolod e makakain ulit sa pla-pla, sa manukan country, at mag-horde ng katakut-takot na quan's butterscotch brownies. i guess they were on to me! heheheehhe. chos.

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man i so wish i am in new york right now, where i could just walk a couple of blocks and be inside a bona fide lesbian bar, have a drink, flirt around, and maybe just exercise my goddess-given right to be a lesbian. waaah kia ampunin mo na koh! tanginah when my sister gets her citizenship, lalarga ko sa castro hehehhehehehehhehe. chos.

asan? asan? asaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan???????

sorry but this piqued my interest and i have to react to it:

Artists Have More Sexual Partners, U.K. Survey Hints

A survey of 425 British men and women found that creative people have more sexual partners. [talaga? saan? saan? saan?]

Researchers at the University of Newcastle upon Tyne and the Open University asked participants about their artistic skills and their history of sexual encounters since the age of 18.

Professional artists and poets reported sleeping with twice as many partners as other adults sampled. [ay oo tru yan talagang ang mga po-wettttsssss na yannnn...hehehe. punyeta bat ba kas ko fictionist eh linshak]

Daniel Nettle, a psychology professor at the University of Newcastle's School of Biology, said two factors may explain the findings.

"Creative people are often considered to be very attractive and get lots of attention as a result," he said. "They tend to be charismatic and produce art and poetry that grabs people's interest." [e di ba rockstars ganun din? hm..]

Alternatively "it could also be that very creative types lead a bohemian lifestyle and tend to act on more sexual impulses and opportunities, often purely for experience's sake, than the average person would," he said. [tru ka jan, ati. will try anything once, for experience!]

"Moreover, it's common to find that this sexual behavior is tolerated in creative people. Partners, even long-term ones, are less likely to expect loyalty and fidelity from them." [pakiulit nga yun????? LESS LIKELY TO EXPECT LOYALTY AND FIDELITY... totooh ba tohhhhh??? not in 'pinasssss!]

According to the survey, professional artists and poets had between four to ten sexual partners, on average, compared to three partners for nonartists. [ano yan, per night, per month, per year...or in their lifetime? again ati, depende sa lokasyonnnnnnnn]

 

hehe apec ako ah. hahahahah. must be tigang nah hahahahahahaa. chos.

someone in an artists' egroup posted the link kaya ko nabasa to. 2005 survey pa ito pero i guess keri pa rin siya. read the whole thingie here .

weird lang. i think this all depends pa rin on the location. tama pa rin ang sabi ni ALFIE. kaya gusto ko nang pumunta sa new york, as in now nah! hehe. was chatting with a dear friend last week and how i envied her location. man, she was just two blocks or so away from 2 lesbian bars! what a 'hood! wanna be there! men, kelan magkakaroon ng ganyan dito????? asa pa ko noh. hay.... location. location. relocate? heheh. hmm lemme think...

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i just discovered the wonderful wonderful world of  couscous cooking! sarafff! so flexible siya! at more manageable than rice. okay, may bago na kong carbo-like. goodbye kanin. later pasta. mas bet yung organic type kesa sa regular ones, altho mas matigas yung regular ones. pero mas bet ko ang texture ng organic. yum.

i so love santi's. dami kong nadidiskubre lagi. next up, the non-msg seasoning mix chuvaloos. and of course, camembert!

speaking of explorations, i really wanna explore the mediterranean cuisine more. greco-med to be exact. kaya gusto ko ring pumunta ng greece e. sarap. pero kung may grocery na ganito ang tinda dito, pakitimbrehan mo naman ako o. pliz! 

sex and (love)life, or the end of it

okay ba?
 

What kind of sex are you?

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bed lang? i can also be sex on the floor! hahahhaha. sex on the chair? hahaha. ayuz.

i would have preferred a woman to woman photo, but since the world is still predominantly hetero, this will do. at least mukhang effeminate yung mhin. and yes, that is a nice position. it works ahahahah chos!

hay i'm such a dyke, i know. been with the company of fellow dykes kasi for the past days and i'm truly enjoying it. iba talaga ang company eh, kahit hindi kayo super close pero friendships pa rin. that's what i'm talking about talaga (see previous blog rants about this), kakaibang camaraderie of like-minded peeps. hay...

attended my friend's housewarming party last night and it was such a blast. sometimes, when single dykes hold housewarmings like that, it usually means they just broke up with someone and moved out on their own. i felt like that a couple of years back when i decided to move on with my life alone. memories came flashing back because of the similarities my friend underwent. kakaiba talaga ang parallelisms ng lesbian lives.

minsan talaga, there are times when you have to face life alone. tinanong nga ng isang acquaintance kahapon na ano ang balak ng mga tao pagtanda. another acquaintance kasi was telling her story of coming out, on national newspapers, sa parents. and then her dad approached her and told her to get a girl and settle down with her so somebody will take care of her daw. haha kakaiba, ang sweet.

ako sabi ko, prepared naman ako to grow old alone. there's really nothing wrong with that. i want to do a lot of things and travel all over and experience lots of things kaya hindi na ako nag-iilusyon ng mga settling down chenelyn. sabi ko mas sine-secure ko lang ang savings para may pension plan insurance chenes ako pagtanda. saka ayoko nang magpatali sa mga settling down chenelyn dahil if i do, then i wouldn't be able to do the things i really want to do in life. tama na yung naging stagnant ako for several years to take care of a relationship. i figured the relationship should take care of me naman this time if i have one. kung walang ganung option, e di wala. kaya happy lang. sabi nga ni cole porter sa song niya, anything goes.

hindi naman ako nalulungkot o natatakot mag-isa. in fact, kampante akong mag-isa, just like my gay friend dati who said na ayaw niya ng commitment lalo na yung may katabi matulog sa kama. hay bading talaga. of course having someone would be a blast naman e. pero like i said, hindi nga ako nagpapa-pressure sa homonormativity ng local lesbian scene na kelangan may partner ka kundi loser ka chenes. pero alam mo, sa dami ng nagtatapos na relasyon left and right now, nag-iiba na rin ang homonormativity na ito e, nacha-challenge na -- at least ng mga ka-age range at ka-adbokasiya ko. sabi nga ng isang friend kagabi, nato-trauma na ang mga tao sa relasyon lalo na't years and counting ang mga pinanggalingan. yung isa, 15 years. yung isa, 10. ako, 5. meron ding 3 and 4.  grabe lang anesh? e kasi naman, what's the point of holding on kung wala na talagang patutunguhan ang relasyon, lalo na if it doesn't serve the both of you at isa lang ang may ganansiya sa samahan? unfair. ako, ang una kong barometer lagi ay kung di na ko nakakapagsulat creatively and actively ng gusto kong sulatin kaya ngayon, bumabalik na yung sabi sa akin nina peach dati na "nagtatae ako ng storya." oo nga, gusto ko itong mode na ito. kung magagawa ko ito while being with someone who understands what this is about, what i am about, and what my art is all about, e di bet! if i find someone like that, puwede na ulit buksan ang option na settling down mode, pero hindi na yung usual settling down na with a house, savings chenes chenes na napaka-hetero na set-up pliz. if she's a fellow gypsy like me, then go! we can trot around the world and create our individual art. happy di ba?

yung friend kong nagpa-housewarm, masaya siya ngayon kasi nadidiskubre niya na marami pa palang options available for her. yun nga ang nawawala kapag nabulagan tayo sa isang relasyong one-way ang arugaan: di natin nakikita what's best for us. and i'm glad she's seeing that now. about time, too.

so with what's happening in our lives, our advocacies, our art and our work, i'd say we dykes are all in good hands (good fingers? hehe) so far. and i'm so glad. for those who don't understand or get that, get out of our radar, please, kahit kabaro ka pa namin. like i said, like-minded peeps dapat. if you're broadcasting from a different frequency altogether, look for a freaking new frequency band and get off ours.

saka yung mga nakikisakay lang, i just wanna say one thing: lesbianism is not a marketing angle; it's a way of life. it's OUR life, so stop using it and selling it like you really understand it. we don't need a spokesperson; we already have some. look for your own stories to tell and stop using us as material.