29 May 2007


how often do we need to connect to others to feel we're alive?


just watched the pilot ep of HEROES on the c/s channel. there's this congressman-wannabe whose rich biyuda mom got arrested because of shoplifting socks. nakakatawa kung tutuusin pero when asked why she did it, sabi niya " to feel alive again."

there was no connection there, at least the direct one, pero same goal siya. to feel alive.

baligtarin natin. when do you feel dead?

can you answer that, honestly?

ako, i'm not sure.


the reason why i love the movie STAND BY ME, aside from having a great storyline and great actors, is that i love this line uttered by river phoenix's character.

"i wish i could live in a place where nobody knows me."

made a poem with that line. stashed here somewhere. i don't feel so confident about my english poetry so i don't show it to anyone. emily dickinson mode. chos.

i'm at this point in my life right now where i feel i need to restart, reboot the system, totally. if needed, i'd get a new operating system.

sometimes, i just want to draw a line around me, make it a ring of fire, so no one could approach me, and all things they hurl at me would get burned, and the burn would backdraft towards them. balik sa inyo. kumbaga. those childhood play words, kung totoo man..


a friend suggested na baka hindi reboot ang kelangan. baka realignment lang. kumbaga sa kotse, ayusin lang ang paling ng gulong, alamin kung bakit laging pumapaling sa ibang direksyon. baka nga wala sa alignment ang gulong. mahirap talaga yun.

baka nga.

lately it seems i'm running on empty. parang laging natutuyuan ng gas. ewan ko ba. i don't know what triggers that. gusto ko lang ikuwento dito. baka may maka-relate at may suggestion, makikinig ako.


pero start of the sem na naman halos. reboot galore na rin ito. yun lang ang gusto ko sa teaching. every sem is a reboot of sorts, kahit minor. kahit di total defrag. puwede na.


don't get me wrong. i still feel alive. just...clouded, i guess. by lots of things. my mind just needs to unclutter. dami kasing iniisip lagi e...

and no, i'm certain: i don't feel dead. just...overwhelmed. and exhausted.


but yes, i need to connect. to people. or at least, persons. i don't need a crowd when one person would do.

and most times, one is enough.


one thing i haven't been doing since this new millennium/decade started is meditate. i think i need to get back to that. that worked well before. i should continue that, no? yeah.

only the venue is not apt for that.

hay naku, ayan na naman tayo...

basta. i swear this should be the last. up or out na ito. out of the country, that is. talagang last na, kasi napapagod na ko sa kakaganito.


i'm talking to myself, don't mind me.


i just realized i miss dancing. dancing in a safe space with kindred spirits.

the problem is, my dancing partners are no longer my kindred spirits. part of that cleansing thing. better off than... whatever.


sabi rin sa HEROES kanina, "love is overrated."

not so original, but still so true. so we forgive the writers for being cliche.


to connect with those who connected here...

indi thanks for that comment. life truly is weird mare. pero hope you're happy where you are, weird man ang paligid or not.

ponpkpn, will really call your graphics talent someday for some project like that. sige ha.

ki thanks for your insights. ayoko na kay reema chanco hahahaha. what a fleeting crush. parang haiskul. hehe. cattyshack it is! just let me get that damn visa and visit ako jan in the near future. ayoko nang maging lesbiyana sa manila. masyadong maintriga. kahit sa hindi jowa, pinipilit kang i-partner up. chismosas... labo.

glenn intriga ko sa nobela. basahin ko nga yan.


such is the burden of being out. may kausapin ka lang, may tignan ka lang na babae, may batiin ka lang, sasabihin nilang type mo sila. may kasama ka lang lagi, jowa mo na. labo.

ang utak talaga ng tao ano, by default malicious.

i wonder why is that so. hypothalamus problem? hmm. realignment lang yan mga ati.


natatawa ako sa mga paimportante.


ayoko na kay angelina jolie. i divorce you i divorce you i divorce you. hiwalay na tayo. hehehe. chos.

she's just so het now. wala na ang kanyang bisexual mystique. blah.

same with michelle rodriguez. blah. lost na siya ever. basta.


bakit ba puro bisexual ang na-a-attract ko? weird lang. am i some kind of bisexual magnet? hm.


but this one, i really want an answer from the universe. di ko kasi maintindihan e.

wala lang...


a friend read my palm earlier. mataas daw ang libido ko. tama ba? hm...

buti naman. at least with that, i know i'm alive!



sa mga may sakit diyan, get well soon.
sa mga aalis, bon voyage.
sa mga dadating, welcome back.
sa mga nandyan lang...salamat.


  1. Hay nako, Mother, you need to come here talaga. The best part about New York, even after being a resident of 5 years, I still feel invisible. I can walk in my neighborhood and nobody will know me, recognize me, bring up my past, mention my reputation, or call me names. I'm just a negligible quiet Asian girl watching the world go by. And, if I ever feel like not having a conversation, I can always respond by saying "No English!" :o) Kelan ka ba pupunta ha?! Why don't you try this year sabayan mo si Dre in August?

  2. Hay sis, I can totally relate. Pareho tayong kailangan ng reboot. Labas naman tayo minsan, inihaw na kolesterol at beer tayo ulit sa Morato. - Marninay