isang tumbling na lang, #alamna na

Agosto 31, huling araw ng buwan. At isang tulog na lang, alam mo na kung ano ang kasunod: Pasko.

Pilipino ako, kaya ganito ang kalendaryo ko. Kahit di ko gusto, nakikiayon ako sa mga ito. Walang choice, eh, kasi lahat sila ganun ang pag-iisip. "Ber" months na naman, sasabihin sa TV mamaya, tapos ayan na, ang walang katuturang countdown ng __ days to go before Xmas. Na di ko mawari kung bakit kelangang i-countdown samantalang alam naman nating darating siya sigurado. Ewan.

Kung matagal ka nang nagbabasa ng blog ko at kung matagal mo na rin akong kakilala, alam mong di ko masyadong paborito ang panahong ito. Ito kasi ang isa sa mga sagrado dapat na panahon na ginagawang komersyal ang selebrasyon at sobrang stretched pa sa mga Pinoy. Saan ka nakakita ng paskong limang buwan ang celebration? Onli in da Pilipins sabi nga. 

 This is what Ms. Bah Humbug looks like circa July 2012. 

Cute pa rin naman eh 'no? Chos.

Pero di lang naman komersyalisasyon ang dahilan. Dati pa ito. Nakatali sa alaala ng namatay kong lola ang pasko, kaya parang nalulungkot pa rin ako hanggang ngayon na i-celebrate ito. Pero I tried naman, I really did, several times before, and I enjoyed it somewhat. Ang latest nga lang na manifestation nito ay noong subukan ng huli kong ex na dalhin ang pasko sa bahay ko. At masaya naman itong naganap noong panahong iyon. Akala ko, mula noon, ay mas tuloy-tuloy na ang pagtanggap ko sa pasko. Tutal, mainit na tinatanggap ito ng karamihan sa paligid ko, lalo na ng mga mas nakababata, at ng mga bata. Ang pasko ay para sa mga bata lang naman talaga. Bahala na tayong matatanda kung paano natin ito titimplahin para sa atin.

Pero wala rin, naging masaklap din ang ending ng kuwentong iyon kaya mas tinalikuran ko yata lalo ang pasko dahil doon. Mas gusto ko pa ang new year, sa totoo lang, kasi may aabangan kang bago. Mas gusto ko ang ritwal na kakabit sa pagbabago ng taon. Magpasabog ka ng paputok, magsindi ng lusis, mag-ingay, para matakot at mawala ang mga nega na nanikit sa balat mo sa taong iiwan. Magsabog ka ng mga barya para mas maraming pera ang bumalik sa iyo. Maglagay ka ng bilog sa katawan, bumili ng mga bilog na prutas, magsuot ng bilog-bilog sa damit, para daw suwerte ang sumalubong. Tumalon ka para tumangkad ka. Aaminin ko, ito ginagawa ko pa rin -- ang tumalon -- kasi gusto ko talagang maging 5'7" eh, sensya na, kapos ako ng ilang inches. Eh baka mangyari, malay mo, di ba. Di ba ang saya: out with the old, in with the new. And it encompasses all things in life, your inner and outer. Kaya 'yan, mas trip ko 'yan, new year.

Christmas is like strawberries. 

Sometimes they're sweet, sometimes they're huge, 

sometimes they're ordinary looking. 

But they're always red and green, 

and you always know when they're coming.

Pero ngayon, iba na ang peg ko sa pasko na naman. Naka-angkla na naman sa isang nilalang. (As usual, gumagana lang yata ang ilang kapasidad ng katawan at utak ko kapag nakaangkla sa pag-ibig. Mantakin mo nga naman...) Di lang sa isa this time, sa iba pang mas maliliit na nilalang. Ang pasko ay para sa mga bata, sabi ko nga, at sa mga matatandang may inaarugang mga bata. So dahil ako ay may matandang inaarugang may inaarugang bata, tila ganun ang magiging porma at kalakaran ng pasko ko. nakikini-kinita ko na. Maaga na nga akong nagplano, eh, sankapa. Iniisip ko nung second quarter pa lang ng taon, kapag nasungkit ko 'yung isang malaking biyaya ng buhay na inaabangan ko, gusto ko silang dalhin sa isang lugar kung saan mas maligaya ang pasko sa lahat. Pero dahil sa di umukol at di bumukol ang ganansiyang iyon, tila wala ring mangyayari sa iniisip kong plano. Unless magkaroon ng panibago anytime soon, eh di tignan natin kung puwede pang maganap ang binabalak. Sana nga meron. 

Masilayan ko lang ang pitak na ito sa pisngi niya, 

pumipitik na naman ang pulso ng puso ko. 

Eh ganun eh bakit ba hamu na minsan lang ito.

Pero matuloy man o hindi, palagay ko ay maiiba na naman ang mukha ng pasko ngayong taon sa akin. Dahil nga sa mga nilalang na ito. Di ko na masyadong iniisip pa 'yung mga mas bongga. Iibahin ko na lang ang magiging timpla. Puwede namang maging masaya kahit di ganun ka-bongga. Basta magkakasama. At saka, naalala ko lang, panahon ng pasko nga pala 'yun, naalala ko pa, ang unang itinakda naming panahon na magkita. Before or after, before yata. Hm, panibagong naratibong nakaangkla sa pasko ito.

Grabe, ang bilis ng panahon. Mga Oktubre ko siya nakilala last year, bunga ng patalun-talon ng malikot na mata at isip sa internet, as usual. Disyembre namin itinakdang mag-date, pag-uwi raw niya mula sa ibang bansa kung saan siya nakadestino. Okay lang daw bang mag-date kami ng panahon ng pasko. Oo naman sabi ko. Ako naman si bookmark, kung maganap, okay, kung hindi, keri lang. Ganun naman talaga di ba? Hanggang sa matulak nang matulak ang December date na iyon na naging January, na naganap na nga ng bongga. Hanggang sa lumipad na ulit siya paalis pagtapos ng new year. Nasarado naman ang usapan, at alam niyo na iyan dahil sa lagi siyang laman ng isip ko sa pagsusulat dito. Tapos eto na, malapit na ang October, malapit na ang December, ang takda ng sunod na pag-uwi niya. Lumalapit na ang lahat. At isang tumbling na nga lang, parang pasko na. Kaya parang andiyan na rin siya, malapit na. 

 Funny how things could transform Ms. Bah Humbug into Ms. Smiley Face.

Di ko alam na may aabangan pala akong mas malaking pagdating sa pasko.  Parang delivery lang ni Santa Claus. Hm, sana naka-ribbon.

Hay pasko, pasko sa Pilipinas. Isang tulog na lang, pasko na. Bukas. Mantakin mo nga naman. Ako si Miss Bah Humbug naghihintay na ng pasko.

I guess this really is love.

 padala niya noong pebrero, pasko ng mga puso

Be. Vibrant.

Posted this on my FB status earlier and my Twitter as well:

"Woke up with a feeling that the future feels hopeful. Aiming for it. Have a good week ahead, folks. Life is short; be vibrant."

Indeed, it feels like it. Perhaps it's because of the tall glass of homemade iced coffee I just had, that momentary peek I got of my girlfriend on choppy Skype earlier, or perhaps the excess two hours of sleep I got today (coming from an early semi-crash last night thanks to almost half a liter of watered down supermarket mix lime mojito), or whatever else that worked prior to the second I am typing this. But indeed, life feels good, hopeful and somewhat sunny, mimicking the weather we are having right outside my window here in the eastern part of Metro Manila.

The stars are also cooperating with their thoughts. Yes, I know these are not fool-proof messages from the universe but they are still nice to look at once in a while. Today's general readings said:

General Daily Horoscope Influences

What we do now has consequences in the future, and the ambitious Capricorn Moon reminds us that the most reliable way to ensure success now is to work hard until it pays off. Although the Moon symbolizes our fluctuating moods, we try to gain stability by building and reinforcing structures in our lives that don't change. Meanwhile, our assumptions are challenged today as logical Mercury aligns with evolutionary Pluto and revolutionary Uranus.

Work hard. Yes, doing that. Although sometimes it doesn't feel like it's paying off. But that's what being hopeful meant, also since I got quite a few insights yesterday from talking with my cousin. I was in our cousin's housewarming somewhere down south of Metro Manila the whole day yesterday, and it was quite a nice timing that I got to hang out with the Linsangans there in that sunny, quiet area. But that particular conversation I had with my cousin was the one that really gave me more hope that indeed, life doesn't need to be professionally stagnant. Yeah, listening, universe, listening.

And then my main sun sign Taurus had this to say:

Monday, Aug 27th, 2012 -- You may feel as if you are meeting resistance wherever you go when you would much rather be spending quality time with a close friend or partner. But others might seem emotionally cooler now as they set up roadblocks to delay your possible satisfaction. Try not to get too worked up over the stress. Instead, concentrate on the love that is in your life; celebrate the cup being half-full instead of complaining that it's half-empty.

Bull-headed, careful not to cross. Yep, check. 

Also steady and secure, therefore reliable and yes, for keeps.

 Yep, check and check. (May 2012 SM Marikina)

Yes, roadblocks. I've long identified them, where they're coming from, and why the people around me, especially those I never expected to act that way, throw these blocks along my way when, ever since I've been loyal a friend to them, all I ever did was remove blocks from their own paths in order for them to move on smoothly. But I guess that's over now. And last Saturday was full of moments that tested me to be stronger inside to mentally hurdle those blocks. Indeed, twas a success. And I could move on. And yes, the focus is on love these days, these weeks, these past few months. Love. It fuels me to move towards newer destinations. And I am liking the journey so far. I just hope she is, too.  
 
And then, ever since my astrologer-artist-prof friend laid out that I have another moon sign ascending eklat churvaloo (forgot what it's called) and that I should also check that out, I always check it na rin as well. Mine's Cancer pala. And my superfriend M actually wasn't surprised to learn of this as she said she sees Cancer traits in me pala, kasi pareho kami ng sister niya. So here's what Cancer said naman:

Monday, Aug 27th, 2012 -- Your emotional neediness could prevent you from finding happiness now, for it is not likely that others will meet your expectations. This is not as bad as it might sound since the real lesson here is about learning what you can give yourself. Use your time wisely to clearly define what you want from a relationship. If you are already in a close partnership of any kind, you may need to back off a bit to allow everyone involved more breathing room.

So this is where the fiercely loyal trait comes from pala. 

Aside from being nurturing and wanting to be nurtured. 

Okay, noted. (August 2011 somewhere in GenSan City)

Breathing room. A friend of hers advised me to give her that. Cancers tend to love fiercely pala, and sometimes that turns to smothering na pala. I don't want my nurturing to be smothering. After all, they say too much of a good thing is bad. I wonder if that is also advisable in love. Is there such a thing as being too sweet or loving too much? Hm, I don't know. But still, regardless of the advise, I will continue to give the kind of affection that I know, supply her with the kind of loving I know. But of course, being tempered to assess the new being being addressed, one should also be careful. Like the reading said, breathing room. We always take life one day at a time, like it says there in my blog motto. That, too, is applicable with love. And other things in life as well. 

The two readings have always been insightful to me, especially coming from this site I've been subscribed to for almost a decade na yata. It's cool. And nice to read naman. And it gives me a few thoughts to ponder on as I go about my day or as I assess my day at the end of it. And comparing these readings with what's happening in my life recently as well, well, they check out pretty well. Yes, sometimes I do think too much. But sometimes, you know, when I think, a lot of emotions also go with that activity. It's just that sometimes, it takes a brave soul to decipher that out, and an even braver one to accept it as such.

I'm glad that I'm surrounded with brave souls in my life right now. They may not be ever-present physically here, or may be located in different parts of the country and the world, but they are still there, and it's comforting to realize that. And for some of them to give me new things to ponder on, showing me that there are indeed many more roads to choose from other than the path I've been traversing of late, then it makes me really hopeful that there is life beyond where I am now. And I thank the universe for giving me all these clues, all these conversations, all these moments, all these feelings, and of course all these people.

So yes, life is short. Let's be vibrant.
 

And smile while traveling with the sun. 

(August 2012 somewhere in Paranaque)

Went forth and multiplied

While many folks from Metro Manila are currently enjoying their four-day long weekend starting today, I decided to just stay home and not roll with the crowd flowing out of the metro. This is just like holy week hello. I usually jump the holidays before or after, and I rarely go during. I guess I'm lucky enough to afford that because of the nature of my work and our schedules so yes, I consider myself lucky.

Decided to also beef up my online presence again. I'm doing multi-tasking stuff here again as usual. I am writing my usual contributing writer articles then also checking papers from school then also tinkering with my blogs and doing this whole ginormous project of transferring my content from Multiply.Com. Ever since they announced they're shutting down, it just boggled me how years of content could be shifted out of there.

I started  my leaflens multiply account as an offshoot of this one. I wanted a more dynamic site and that one was a portal of sorts. Before social networking sites became popular like Facebook, we had Multiply because it combined social networking and blogging. You get to add photo albums and have specific sections for reviews. That's what I'm doing now, shifting out the film reviews I did and dumping them all to my film review blog. Also my book and TV reviews I am dumping them all into my media and pop culture blog. But the blog posts I am not sure about.

sometimes it's better to blog in private

What I liked about Multiply is it could also control who gets to see your content. If you feel like posting a blog entry to be viewed by the public or by specific contacts only (just like in Facebook), then you could control it. Only your contacts or specific contacts could see some posts. Thing is, I blogged very privately in that space and I'm not so sure if I should dump them back here in such a public space. But still, it will be archived in a chronological order still, so old posts will still remain as old posts -- buried. Hm I don't know. Should I?

A lot of the things I blogged about there focused on one past relationship, something which I don't really want to bring back anymore. Yes, even the memories. Yeah, me, someone who has been journaling like crazy since I was in high school and who keeps all of these personal historical archives of mine up to now, contemplating on deleting several portions of my life as documented in that blog journal. I don't know. The jury is still out. Should I publicize those posts or not? Remains to be seen.

In the meantime, just enjoy the long weekend folks. Stay safe. And yes, thanks for reading.

You're so vain...

You probably think this post is about you... but wait Carly Simon, it is about me. Indeed hehe. 

Joke. Just wanted to share with you Outrage Magazine's feature on me. I was flattered to get an email from its editor and they interviewed me for it via email. Outrage has been out there for a while and I am glad that it exists.

Of course being who I am, I had tons of things to say that cannot be contained in one online section alone. So I decided to paste here our entire conversation via email, and highlighted my favorite part/s that they edited out in the final feature. Especially about that inspiration bit hehe. :)

Have fun. Live and learn, everyone. Plus, love. Yes, the verb.

    • When did you start becoming an LGBT advocate?

I guess before I labeled myself as an LGBTQ advocate, I was a women's rights advocate first. It's because growing up, I witnessed inequalities in my living spheres which were not giving justice to being a woman in Philippine society. Be it in school, the church, even in my own family, I see this gender imbalance. In the process, I didn't even know the definition of a feminist but I was already being a feminist at that time pala. This label I carried all throughout my life until I discovered that I prefer women than men before I turned 24. This was when the concept of lesbian-feminism was introduced to me. I guess it's not a far cry from what I have observed growing up as a feminist. Only this time, another layer was added to the feminist struggle: that of being a lesbian. In essence, you really don't just *become* an advocate of any sort unless you make it a point in your life to fight the social injustices and inequalities you see/ hear/ experience in your life and in the lives of others, even in a very simple manner, such as trying to educate people about gender inequalities or standing up to a person with macho thinking, things like that. Advocacy doesn't have to be grand, or grandstanding.

    • Who/What triggered you to be an LGBT advocate?

The same thing that triggered me to be a women's rights advocate: when I saw and felt social injustices for myself, this time because I identified as a woman-loving-woman already. Now the key word in that phrase is "love" but narrow-minded people just equate this love with just sex/lust, with abnormality, and with hate. And when I saw that many women like me were experiencing the same thing, I thought something should be done in order to correct these misconceptions and lies. I got particularly inspired when I saw organized groups of women -- not just your stereotypical stone butch type of women -- organize because they were lesbians. I met lesbians who were mothers, who were professors, who looked like your average girl next door. I saw that when I was introduced to the Baguio-based org Lesbond in 1997. And the same year, during the Manila June Pride March, I met and saw other groupings based in Manila. And then in 1998, there was this Asian Lesbian Networking Conference in QC where I saw other Asians and westerners of Asian descent who were lesbians. I realized that I am in good company, and that there's more to being a lesbian than just "merely" being with a woman. I learned issues, concerns, and human rights being denied us. I guess those events culminated into my becoming an advocate.

But there are different approaches to doing advocacy work. I am not like the usual hardcore (usually fulltime) advocate/activist out there. I try to do my advocacy directly in the work that I do, or integrate it in the arts I am involved in. For example, I think the biggest challenge still lies with how people are being misinformed about queers because of the way we are depicted/ represented in media. My being a queer advocate goes hand in hand with my being a media advocate. We should still do something in this sphere because media's far-reaching effect is undeniable. So whenever I work on TV or in print, I try to incorporate that kind of awareness either directly or indirectly depending on the medium. (We even tried to come out with the very first LGBT lifestyle glossy magazine before; these efforts are right up my alley. See this: http://leaflens.blogspot.com/2012/06/pride-on-pride-one.html )

And if that doesn't fly sometimes, that's the reason why I still keep a blog (the original leaflens at blogspot, up since 2005 but started way back in 2002 pa). Some exes in the past castigated me for being so out in the open in my blog. But what if, in a random search, some lesbian who feels lonely and who is looking for others like her to connect with find linkages through my blog? What if, in my random writings about lesbian lives, they also get encouraged to face their own lesbian life? You know, small stories could matter like that. And I have gotten many emails in the past from lesbians who tell me these things, like how my "simple blogging" over the years have affected them in some manner. Sometimes they even write to me for advice about their situations, usually about love, of course. Some readers I even met and became my friends eventually.

This is why I write the stories I write -- to be read by people who may have use for them, who may find something of value in my thoughts, who could use these thoughts and elevate them to better thoughts for their own good. Whatever helps.
 

    • What are the key issues you believe we should focus on in the LGBT community in the Philippines?

There are still a lot of issues we have to face but I think what we need to sort out first is how we work with each other, and how we will engage those within the LGBTQ community but who are outside the advocacy circles. There are more people outside than inside, and that has to be addressed. Sometimes there is some kind of inner discrimination happening here, an advocate/non-advocate divide, and advocates just tend to stay within their side of this line. We shouldn't be exclusionary like that because we're all in this together.

How will we reach everyone? Of course that's a challenge. That's why I think it's crucial to kind of segment our efforts first and then come together later on in a clearer forum/arena maybe where we can intersect our issues to achieve a common goal. For instance, there's a pressing need to address the HIV situation but in the gay/msm community first perhaps, and then bringing this campaign to a wider audience. I've seen that happen in a previous/ongoing campaign (is it called the Red Whistle? That could be a start). And then the lesbians also have to face certain issues within their sphere, for instance the problem of poorer lesbians who get discriminated in their jobs or workplace because they are lesbian. Upper class lesbians don't have this job security problem, but they still have their own issues, especially about coming out to their families and in the workplace as well. How could we help each other? The transwomen are a good example of how they are working within their own sphere in order to make some changes, and then translating that to a larger context by applying it to the larger LGBTQ community. Things like that.

But I think what's more effective is if we get the law on our side as well. Too many queers have been hurt by existing laws that harm us, or some laws are bent in order to harm us. Like those vagrancy laws they use to extort money from gay men, and also the absence of laws that recognize us as legal partners, or even as common-law partners. We should at least have that. Like when partners end up not having visitation rights when their partners get sick, just because they're not recognized by the law as an entity, that really irks me. Simple things like that should be addressed. This is why I think there should be some kind of anti-discrimination law, to protect us in social spheres, and to guarantee the practice of the rights denied us. We should really work on this ADB being passed; let's look beyond color/ political lines. Let's look at lives. Queer lives. Our lives. That's more important than politicking, di ba?

    • What disappoints you in the local LGBT community?

In general, I am sometimes disappointed at the lack of awareness of even just the gender-specific issues of certain sectors in the local LGBTQ community, but I know I shouldn't be. We shouldn't be outright judgmental in that manner because we also have to understand that each sector within the community has their own specific strategies for survival in a patriarchal, homophobic society such as ours. But if their lack of awareness already borders on hurting others, then that's where I draw the line. For example, there are lesbians who are victims of domestic abuse by their girlfriends. Isn't it basic human knowledge that we should love our partners and not beat them up to to a pulp, just because we sometimes feel that we need to be 'macho" or whatever. Or if there are "papogi" or pa-macho lesbians out there who will try to steal another person's girlfriend just to show/prove that they can, just to add to their so-called pogi points? Things like that irritate me.

As far as LGBTQ advocacy in the community goes, there are also major disappointments. I think we have to focus more on being issue-based rather than personality-based. Sometimes we are forgetting that we are fighting for a common cause and that it doesn't matter whoever gets shoved in the limelight. But the light blinds some of us, and therefore we often think that we should always be in it. Visibility is really great, especially with what's happening now in traditional media and new media technologies, but there should also be advocacy in this visibility we carry. There's a difference between being a public figure and being a celebrity.
 

    • What inspires you in the LGBT community? Why so?

I get inspired by the new people I meet, those who have just come out to themselves and are searching for their queer niche in the world. Sometimes they are curious and they ask questions. That is why I entertain some who come up to me or email me or read and comment on my blog or Twitter about queer stuff. This means people are willing to discover more and learn, and I am always for that, for education and learning. There are also those who want to start projects or are starting projects, and I also encourage that as well. Whatever helps raise our image is cool.

I also get inspired by those who have been there in the advocacy circles for ages yet they are still not tired to entertain the new ones. Like I said, we need to help each other because this is all our fight, "young" or "old."

    • What achievements are you specifically most proud of?

Achievements that I have garnered? Well, when it comes to my arts and work, I am most proud of recognition given by peers and esteemed individuals/ organizations/ institutions in the fields I am involved in. Just recently, my alma mater UP honored me with a UP Artist II award to recognize my body of work in the last 5 years which involves my directing/scriptwriting work for TV, my handful of short films/ documentaries and literary publications. To be honored this way as a UP faculty and a media/arts practitioner is something that elates me to this day. It means my life work is being recognized and I appreciate that very much. The same goes for my earliest award as well, my two Palanca Awards for literature. That somewhat validates that I am indeed an effective writer and I am happy with that kind of validation.

But this kind of recognition takes things to a higher level whenever the recognized work of mine is queer-oriented. An example of this is when my lesbian-themed screenplay was cited for an honorable mention in a national scriptwriting competition before. That somewhat validates the advocacy, that it's okay to write a film about lesbian lives. The same goes for my stories that get picked up for publication in book anthologies. I am happy whenever a story about the lives of women-loving-women get featured this way; this shows more visibility, and also educates others about us, about how we are. Hopefully, such exposures will lead to the eradication of discriminatory views against us. This is why I do the things I do, write the things I write.

But in terms of life in general, my achievement has always been simpler, I guess. I am a happy camper whenever I find a like-minded individual who shares life with me as a friend, a kindred spirit, and a lover. Sometimes it's rare to find all of that in one human being so it's quite an achievement if you bump into one of those in this lifetime. Luckily, right now, the universe paired me with such an individual and that makes me a very happy human. The real test of achievement is making it work. So far, so good.

    • How would you want for the LGBT community to know, and remember you?

Wow, existential. Hm I'm not sure. I think however they see me is up to them. But it wouldn't hurt if I am remembered as that queer woman writer who writes about women-loving-women in literature, online, and in blogs. And that queer professor who also tries to inculcate proper queer awareness in the university where she circulates.

Or if that's too much to ask, puwede na rin to be remembered as "that age-defying cute queer" hahaha! Chos! Shucks bahala na sila teh! Kebs. Basta happy-happy lang. Keri na anumang kembot. :)

    • Future plans as far as LGBT advocacy is concerned?

To just continue doing what I'm doing --  write stories and essays about queer women's lives. To continue what I've been doing in the past years. To keep my blog going. To still try to work within the realms of media in order to have a better representation of queers.

To just be. And to be there. //

I talk too much, 'no? Hehe. Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment.

Who woulda thought? It figures.

It's great to see the sun shining brightly today. 

 today's view from my bed

I swear, I've never been happier to see this sun shine. This week was just crazy. Super-duper crazy. I mean, who would have thought that we were gonna have another Ondoy in our midst, in the same lifetime??? I swear, 2009 was deja vu-ed all over again last Tuesday as Marikina experienced flooding again, but not that isolated. Sadly, this time, it was Quezon City that was hit hard first. Pictures coming out of my Twitter feed revealed knee-high, thigh-high, waist-deep, chest-deep waters in familiar territories I frequent, areas I never experienced to have waters that much before, like Philcoa for instance. That was crazy. 

Last Tuesday. Street at the back of my building is my barometer if things are worse. 

No flood, it's generally okay. Floods like this, then the river ran wild again.

In front of the mall, waters rose to waist-high, they said, many hours after I took this photo, 

making it impossible to pass through this area going in and out of Marikina.

Of course the usual suspects were already there on the list, like Pasig and us here in Marikina. But what surprised me this time was Cainta. I mean man, all points going inside this area from my area was all blocked by floods. This made me sad because I was hoping to get a glimpse of my girlfriend before she flies off to work again abroad. The last time I saw her was when her mother was laid to rest last Sunday. Never even got a chance to kiss her properly, just a simple goodbye beso, I think, and a quick hug. Even the hug felt obligatory since we were in their house and well, we are still on the down low there even if I think everybody already knows. You know how most families have the "don't ask don't tell" principle when it comes to these relationships. (wrote about that before: read here) We're not totally out to them yet so we're still playing it by ear. But I think her other family members already got the idea with my presence there during the wakes. I think I even sensed a nod of recognition from her kuya when he asked me to help him secure the pews on the church during the final mass. I appreciated that small gesture; meant a huge deal. Not sure about the dad, though, but I think her dear mom also gave the nod already before she left. (And, for a brief moment, after. Yes sometimes my senses are open that way, too.) Sometimes, you just feel these things, and you have to trust what you feel. I'm good with that. 

Thursday scene. Took a walk to survey things outside. 

River still overflowed overtaking the jog and bike lanes on the banks.

Things looking a bit ominous on the other side of the river. See the bar places 

at the left side getting overtaken by the river again. Goodbye inuman for now.

But well, I guess you can't fight with mother nature. I was just glad that she was able to make it out of their flooded town, and even gladder that her sis and dad were able to get back in unharmed. See, in times like these, abilidad talaga ang nangingibabaw, kasama na ang dasal siyempre, at ang kasagutan dito ng sumagot sa ating dasal. Told her to just have faith that they'll make it, because I know they won't get harmed. Yes, sometimes, you have to trust your instincts and have faith in things, too. 

My family is another story. Veterans of the Provident Village mishap, they learned already. My tita's house there is already abandoned and my tito's now with my cousin and my other cousin is settled somewhere else. Just one cousin left there and good thing they were able to go out before the waters rose again. Too bad for my other tita's house that got submerged again, this time in Twinville subdivision. I don't know what they'll do with that now. They were able to recover it last time. Well, we'll see. As for my folks, they're okay and good. Our house is in a higher area in our village so no worries there. 

Thanks to the weather bureau/science dept initiative Project NOAH, 

I was able to "spy"on my parents' house in reel-time to see if the area 

was affected by floods. Gotta love technology this way. 

Good thing I'm also in higher ground. Waters didn't even reach the lobby like before. Everything's back to normal and business as usual around this area so it's good. My favorite neighborhood coffice place was just closed the last time I went down so I don't know if they're open already. So I just decided to stay in today and write here.

Good thing my outside world connections were also intact during those times. I'm so fucking glad I got a cable TV subscription early this year, and decided to avail of it for one whole year. I was able to see what was going on around me, outside and everywhere. The great news footage were helpful to relay news to people who need it, who didn't have access. Also tweeted some photos of the floods to several news carriers so I'm glad my internet was alive and well during that time. Times like these, my internal media person kicks in talaga, the default set-up to report things happening. My inner (photo)journalist is still there, thank goddess. It comes in handy. And actually, I've been thinking of tapping into that more, but that's for another blogpost na lang.

photos processed via instagram

What a week. What a way to start a new month. Endings, washings, being knocked down but having the gall not to stay down. As always, we get up, and we just don't stand up, we walk and forge on ahead. We remember lessons from these circumstances, but we also learn how to move on. Like what the current affirmative posters circulating says, the Filipino spirit is waterproof. 

Not only waterproof but creative as well. As always. Photo grabbed from here.

Indeed, it is. Never believe otherwise.
 

aruga at alaga ldr style

Mababaw akong nilalang. Simple lang ang mga bagay na nakakapagpaligaya sa akin, 'yung tipo ng ligayang kinikilig ka at magkakaroon ng warm feeling sa heart mo. Isa na doon 'yung simpleng pagmemensahe sa akin ng mahal ko ng kanyang abisong pang-alaga.

wag ka na maglalalabas, maulan

Mga ganyang simpleng mensahe lang. Lalo na sa nangyayari ngayon sa Maynila, na ilang araw nang walang humpay na umuulan. Binabaha na nga ang ilang parte ng mga tirahan dito kaya mga mensahe ng pag-aalala ang pinapadala niya. Mga tanong kung may kandila na ba ako dito (meron pa), mag-charge na ng cellphone (keri na), mga ganyan. 

Minsan naman, sa maliliit na daily things niya ito pinapakita sa akin.

teka, kumain ka na ba

Alam niya na kasi ang habits ko kaya pinangangalagaan niya ako. Pati sa lagi kong nababanggit sa twitter, lagi niyang ramdam kung masama ang pakiramdam ko, 'yung hindi health-related pero soul-related. Ganun na siya ka-plugged sa akin. Grabe lang. Surprising, at nakakatuwa minsan. At nakakatuwang maramdaman muli ang ganitong klase ng aruga mula sa isang nilalang. I never realized that I missed this.

Mas mahalaga ang bawa't kibot ng care na ganito dahil sa long distance ang relasyon kasi namin pati. O kaya kung andito siya sa bansa, andoon siya sa kanila siyempre pero ganun pa rin ang mga mensahe niya -- mga mensahe ng pag-aalaga at aruga. Tulad na lang nung isang beses kong sinabing dadalo ako ng get-together na may inuman at kuntodo paalala siya na 'wag ako iinom na sobra sa kaya ko, ganun. Na kapag nalabag ng slight ay syempre makukudaan ako hehe. Pero kahit 'yun, natutuwa akong marinig. 

O baka naman nasa honeymoon stage pa rin kami kaya natutuwa ako sa mga ganun. Pero hindi rin. Parang mas narapido ang honeymoon stage sa relasyon namin kaya 'yung usual 6-month probation period ay nalipasan na namin in less than six months. Sabi nga niya noong Abril, parang matagal na naming kilala ang isa't isa sa lebel ng interaksiyon namin noong mga panahong iyon. Na para sa akin, rare. Minsan kasi, may pagkakataong matagal mo nang kasa-kasama ang isang tao pero nariyang nauna na siyang inlab sa 'yo tapos ikaw pinag-iisipan mo pa. Pero dito, mutual eh. Ewan. Basta. Ganun.

Kung anuman, ayus lang. Sadyang natutuwa lang siguro ako na maalagaan nang ganung lebel ulit sa buhay ko, na mas sobra-sobra pa nga yata ngayon kesa sa mga iba sa nakaraan. Parang ganun. Oo, puwede na sigurong mag-compare ng past and present pero base lang sa lessons learned, hindi sa maliliit na mga bagay. Hm come to think of it, baka nga dapat sa maliliit na bagay, kasi dito mas tumatatak ang pagkatao, na kapag pinagsama-sama ang maliliit, nagiging malaki ang impact. Parang ganun. Eh sa ngayon, parehong meron mula sa kanya -- maliliit na effort, at saka malalaking effort. Kaya ayun, jackpot 'ata ang lola mo. So far, so right.

[insert buntong hininga here, not a sigh but a sigh of utter relief, relief that you're in good hands this time]

Maulan, kaya kung anu-ano na naman ang naiisip ko na gusto kong ibahagi dito. Pero bakit ba. Lugar ito na sinusubukan kong punuin ng pagmamahal din, at iba pa tungkol sa buhay kaya heto, binabasa ninyo. Wala, natutuwa lang ako sa naramdaman ko kanina kaya gusto ko lang na mahawa ang mambabasa sa tuwa rin, di sa nang-iinggit pero spreading the goodwill and joy lang ang peg kumbaga. Kaya heto na iyon. Ilang kislap ng kalooban sa maulang gabi.

Sana tumila na ang ulan.

In between a wake and being awake

It's a few minutes before one in the morning as I type this, currently slumped on the floor of my girlfriend's bedroom in the house where she grew up. I am looking over her as she catches some much-needed sleep during this time. The lights are on and so is that electric fan than takes ten thousand years to start. She's still wearing the jeans she wore since arriving in the country earlier, when I picked her up at the airport for the early morning flight arrival. Her shirt still the one she wore the whole evening. Times like these, comfort and vanity are thrown out the window for momentary rest and recharge. I'm glad she's resting.

My mind is flying, a-flurry with a million thoughts. To sit here and absorb the memories this room contains. It's strange, I admit. No stranger than the first time she entered my condo and exclaimed in disbelief that I lived in a place like that, that I must be a player because I had such a pad. What amazing thoughts. Makes me smile right now to compare notes in my head. I glance at her and I am glad she is still in deep slumber.

I don't want to leave her alone right now. I know how this feels, this grief from a huge loss, like it's heavy and empty inside at the same time. In the living room, her dear mother lies, ready to be taken to her final resting place twelve hours from now. She has been suffering from cancer and she lost the fight. But she looks so peaceful now, a far cry from when I first met her at the hospital, when, after leaving, she asked my girl's sister the million dollar question: "Boyfriend ba 'yun ng ate mo?" Funny. From their stories of her, she must be one fierce, fiesty and fun person to have around. Too bad I wasn't able to experience that for myself. I think we would have clicked. Mothers and grandparents of my partners at least those I met -- tend to love me. It's automatic.

So many people still outside chatting, playing bingo, drinking bottomless instant coffee, chatting. Kids of guests still up past their bedtime as their elders try to keep the wake awake. Such is the tradition we uphold in this country full of rituals. They say the dead still needs to be guarded, not to be left alone. Funny how we interpret the concept of loneliness in this context. The dead cannot be lonely, yet we feel lonely because we were already left alone by the dearly departed.

Yes, I think too much. Also, I haven't had much sleep today, just the three hours I was able to manage going home earlier to change clothes after picking her up, in preparation for tonight's last night of vigil, or lamay as we call it in the Philippines. And this gets me thinking of past events, related events, that makes me feel emotional here for another reason.

Earlier, my girl and her longtime bestfriend were talking about some friends of theirs who kept on promising to visit but didn't. It was also a topic at the "tibs table" earlier where I saw and heard her laugh so hard for the first time since coming back home again during conversations with her butchy friends and their femmey girlfriends. I swear, almost seven months of being with her and I still feel uncomfortable that she is surrounded by such strong dichotomies. Anyway that's for another blogpost. What I want to focus on is the "test of true friendship" discourse we had at that table. We all felt like it was such a bummer to have this kind of unnatural selection of friendships, to weed out those who are only there during the good times but when happy hour fades, they, too, fade.

That was my biggest heartache last year, perhaps even bigger than the heartache of losing my lolo, himself suffering from diabetes complications for months already. I so wanted to go to Canada then but financial constraints didn't permit me to attend his wake and see him for the last time. Even if I was a lola's girl, lolo's presence in my life was equally important.

Come to think of it, as I was listening to the priest's sermon tonight during the mass, it got me thinking that I still don't have closure from when I lost my lola. It was 2000 then, I think, when my mom called me and said "Wala na si Lola." Wala na. That easily someone you love is gone. I was younger then and of course a bit penniless, being in between fulltime jobs and only freelancing, and studying my masters. So of course I couldn't go to Toronto for her wake. I was 27 then, a time I was starting to love my new life as a lesbian, but also suffering from it the year lola died. I remember the heaviness of that relationship with the devastation of that loss, and my great friends had one quick but reckless solution for a temporary escape: meth. What I've learned from my favorite gay show Queer As Folk I enacted then: you only do drugs with your friends. I swear, the moment the stuff touched my being, happiness. But of course after the hit, back to reality. I never touched the stuff again after that episode. And yes, more than a decade later, I still need closure.

Told you my mind's entertaining a million thoughts right now. Sorry for the segues. But going back to that friendship thing, it's just too bad that my great friends aren't here in the country to console me in person last year, but they still did virtually. Now I have two souls I've been relying on for deep friendship these past years, and lo and behold, I never heard a peep from either of them when lolo died. Not a single word. Not even a stupid comment on Facebook. It also complicates things to consider that they also had some money or work-related conflicts around that time, things that broke my heart anew, but that I already talked about in this space before. So my bottomline is, during times of grief, you really discover who your real friends are. Theory of unnatural selection.

I've always liked that quote I've been reading on the interwebs, the one attributed to Oprah. It says something about the people who ride with you in the limo and the people who are willing to ride with you when the limo breaks down and you have to take the bus. Something like that. Last year, I realized who those bus people are in my life and who are those limo ones. All these decades I've been cherishing friendships with limo riders. I never realized. I wish I realized this sooner. Could have evaded me this heaps upon heaps of heartache from people who never truly saw me as a friend, but a direct competitor. A fucking competition. I didn' t know friendships also have olympic categories. I missed that memo. A good friend contextualized that for me early this week. I am just happy that I have such friends around me still, those bus riders I never realized were willing to ride the bus with me. This, too, I wish I realized earlier. But all good lessons come in the end, my friend. All in the end.

I'll be turning 40 next year. Who knew there are still a lot to learn about life, about yourself, about relationships. Who knew. Sitting here amidst people suffering from a loss, sometimes all we need is another perspective to realize that some losses are actually gains. We just have to let the sadness pass, try harder to fight off melancholy, and try our darnedest to move on. Because we do, we really do, closure or no closure. What we have is perhaps better than closure: coping. And now, we know who the people are who will supply us some of that when needed. If needed.

Rest in peace Nanay. And thank you. Like what she said after singing, they're okay. And I'll see to it that she will be. Promise po.