24 March 2005

axe: because latest impressions last

it's still true that i belong to the twilight zone generation.

for those of you younger ones who don't remember, the twilight zone is an excellent show about mind-boggling things about seemingly ordinary, everyday things and occurrences. and correction, our generation, the one that the original generation x label applies (applied?), is a cross between the twilight zone and mtv, when the music station was at its adolescent stage (teen years?).

anyway, that's how i feel right now. i am in the twilight zone, but some kind of angry music is blaring at the background (marilyn manson or metallica, take your pick), the soundtrack of my life at this time or something. i dunno, but sometimes, i just don't know why the people who surround me surround me at this time. configuration of the stars, conscription of fates, what have you. i don't really give a fuck. it's just a fucker that sometimes, the ones you pegged as friends and confidantes turn out to be the ones who will leave daggers on your back. and alas, such is mine woe. to carry on with these daggers or not. whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous blabber...or to remove them one by one and throw them back one by one, a la circus style where you try not to hit the girl on the revolving wheel. i guess you can say that today, i realized one very important thing in this lifetime: i am not born to carry daggers for long, especially those people place behind my back. it's actually like that revelation scene in THE MATRIX, where the bullets were about to hit neo, but then, he suddenly got it, he suddenly felt that things within the matrix are in his control and not in the agents' hands, and then he stops the bullets in mid-air and puts them down without using his hands, and then he looks at the agents with fresh new eyes...ready to pounce and attack, and fight back.

it ain't inevitable after all, agent smith. it ain't inevitable.

am i ready to pounce? am i ready to fight back? i think i wasn't built like that. if some people are built to mess with other people's lives just because their own lives SUCK TO HIGH HEAVEN, then i have to just tolerate that, but i won't tolerate that if the life they're messing with is mine or my loved ones' lives. so i guess, word to the (un)wise: if your life sucks, don't go around looking at others' lives and waiting for their lives to become as miserable as yours. because in the end, all is fair in love and war, and the fabulous people get noticed even if they sit quietly in one corner...

so i remain as such: fabulous. bakla ako e, bakit ba? tse! :P

sometimes i wonder how much of an activist we really, truly are. i wonder why some people who work in social justice movements do not practice much justice in their social lives. they only want to move. sadly, their move is a lateral one. not much progress if you don't strive harder to push that level-up button. you lose one turn, and you might lose the chance to play in the bigger games of life, not to mention you lose access to cooler weapons. i wonder why there are people like these in these spaces... you sometimes wonder if they really are after promoting an advocacy or getting the money or the résumé entry. god, never mind living the advocacy! the way they stab others' backs, you would think they are so progressive. (my god, with friends like that, who needs enemies, diba?) sadly, i discovered that they are regressing. and regressing. and regressing. which made me think: maybe that's why they try to wound me. it's like that scene in that film where joaquim phoenix is the emperor and russell crowe was like.. ah, THE GLADIATOR, where he stabbed russell first before suiting him up with armour, so when they go out to the coliseum and fight, the emperor would have an unfair advantage. they all want an unfair advantage. or maybe they just want to see other people miserable, too. parang yung album ng gin blossoms, NEW MISERABLE EXPERIENCE. maybe they're looking for that in me right now. well, news flash. it's not that i am going to make it last because i am challenged. the thing is, it is lasting as it is because there is a certain bond that got formed, a beautiful bond, that they thought wasn't possible. ionic, covalent, whatever kind, i don't know. all i know is that us atoms try to exist in this sphere and we're happy and non-destructive. harmonious co-existence, chemically balanced. that's why i don't understand why other atoms around us explode and jitter and all, to the point of almost exploding big time, a la big bang theory. sadly, they don't create new universes with their bangs, only black holes that suck the marrow out of life, their lives as well as the ones that they guard with or without permission. so it's really up to me if i want to belong to this kind of orbital flow or just jump to the nearest galaxy and orbit there peacefully with more beautiful planets and heavenly bodies. like neo said, there is no spoon.

thus, that was the decision formed tonight. jump to another galaxy, a more accepting galaxy, a galaxy where the term social justice movement truly applies, where advocates need not label themselves as advocates because everyone can see their advocacy in their actions, not in their concept papers and org memberships, where when people say in solidarity, they really mean it.

the silver galaxy never failed me. this is still the reliable sphere. sibling scribes are also reliable. i didn't really realize that the worlds i left are the ones that are more real than the one i chose to embark on. how disappointing. how sad. i never learn. people disappoint me all the time. why am i so surprised with these new ones? maybe because they packaged themselves as saints when what they truly are is a bunch of liliths and succubus(es) (succubi?). i guess this is what happens to me whenever i decide to erase people in my life. 'ika nga ng aking good friend, guhitan na ito. bihira akong mangguhit ng tao at mangbura, lalo na't naging kaibigan ko sila. tatlo pa lang yata sa earth and ginuhitan kong nilalang, pero with the way they conduct their behaviour, i think madadagdagan pa ito ng ilan pa.

bring out the chalk, man. bring out the chalk.

or the labrys... >:P

life's too short to be preoccupied with others' mediocrity. (what was that again: smart people talk about ideas. mediocre people talk about other people. hmm, may gitna pa yun e...)

walk around and breathe, look at the way the light plays with the shadows.

stop and smell or admire odorless flowers.

enjoy laugh times with children.

and before you know it, la vita e bella again. es verdad.

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