cultivating a culture of caring in a careless and often cruel kingdom

galing talaga ng universe. it knows when to speak to me, clearly.

Taurus Horoscopes

(Apr 20 - May 20)

Yesterday | Today | Tomorrow

Wednesday, Jun 4th, 2008 -- Slowing down to do something right is often your greatest strength. While others rush ahead, you are building the foundation that can sustain your growth. Now, however, you are tempted to surge forward in a burst of enthusiasm. Containing your excitement may be challenging, yet it is currently the wisest course of action.

haaaaay... fine.

supposed to be sleeping now but i can't seem to shake un-sleep off. even my jowa's trick of a bath before bedtime doesn't seem to work now. overload of info and emotion is what i dealt with today, so perhaps the mind is still reacting very much. actually, it has been reacting that way since last week, hence the eye bags.

as a child of three-four told me:

her: ay, bakit ang itim ng ganito niyo? (pointing at her eyebags)
me: eh...ewan ko. (thought balloon: sino ba itong batang ito?)
her: grabe, ang itim!
me: oo nga e! (thought balloon: sino ba 'tong mahaderang batang ito't parang matanda kung mag-bibo?)

later, i found out that kid was my granddaughter. lola na ko! anak siya ng pamangkin ko na anak ng pinsan ko. at dalawa na pala sila. wow, time flies when you're growing...old? ngyar.

*

been thinking about care and the lack of it lately. lately, i've also come to realize that in this country, there seems to be a lack of caring culture, especially of late. ewan ko kung bakit. yun bang igu-groom mo or you take care of them because you generally want to help and all, pero in the end, the hand that fed them will be the hand that they bite and spit out -- and blame you for their actions! kaloka.

sometimes i don't know if i care too much to a fault that i am blinded by the bad things i'm supposed to see clearly. maybe it's because i am a bull born in the year of the ox. double stubbornness? perhaps. in this earth, i've met only two beings like me with those same signs, and we three each suffered from our respective stubbornness of our signs. (trivia lang na lahat kami lesbiyana at magkakakilala ngayon. weird.) suffered in terms of love, hating, jobs, work conditions, everything. kanya-kanya lang degree of denial/acceptance/resistance ek, pero may degree pa rin somewhat.

like in work. i know i care about the thing i do when i care about what happens to the company or institution where i work. no matter if the people are mostly devil incarnates, i try to stick it out because i believe in the institution and believe that it could do something important. that's what happened to my first full-time job. i devoted my life already to that company yet, corporate as it was, it didn't care back the way i/we thought it would. but we learn something everyday, and that time, i learned that one should put corporate living suspect, because by its very nature, it doesn't nurture.

that happened to me several times more, but in different circumstances. so i just took it as challenges that i have to hurdle, obstacles i had to overcome in order for me to reach my career climax. i guess i could say i'm getting there, but it's still a long way up. uphill battle is what it is.

same is true with this current engagement. no matter how much you care for an institution, there will be people who don't care who will look at how you run things and wait for you to fall or make mistakes. lucky for me i have two great goddesses on my side/at my back who look out for me and give me guidance when i thought i was already lost and on my own. i see that they care, because they genuinely care about the people they work with and the service we are giving/doing.

it's just sad that i can't say the same for all of us there. kung hindi inggit, yuyurakan ka, o iiwanan kang nakabitin. it's fine for me if someone i helped just said a simple thank you. simple lang. mababaw lang ako kaya simpleng pasasalamat lang sa nagawa ko sa kanya e okay na ako. hindi ako naniniwala sa konsepto ng utang na loob o sa konsepto ng "one day, you have to return the favor to me." that's so showbiz. napagdaanan ko na rin yan pero sa totoong showbiz world kaya keri ko lang, kasi kalakaran talaga. pero kung outside showbiz, naiinis ako kasi hindi ito nature nun. hinding-hindi. or, hindi dapat. kaya lang, parang hindi yun ang nangyayari.

nariyan na sasabihin ng iba na nagpapasok ako ng tao sa trabaho dahil kaibigan ko (wow thank you, ang dami ko palang kaibigan!). nariyan na sasabihing ako ang dahilan ng kanilang pagkaalis sa trabaho (there is such a thing as being "self-reflexive" you know. yun yung self-check baga) kaya they will damn me to hell, them and their minions, too. it's just a good thing that their minions are outnumbered by people who care more about the institution we are in who are not blinded by the supposed glitz and glamor they are being shown by the uncaring people. someone even said it was being divisive and elitist, sa circles nila. and i always appreciate that kind of honest feedback.

siguro may isa silang di naiisip, itong mga kritiko ko sa trabaho. sana makita nila na ma paglilinis ng bahay na ginagawa hindi lang ako kundi ng mga taong tinuturing na mahalaga at makabuluhan ang ginagawa namin sa pang-araw-araw naming gawain. na hindi ito glitz at glamour, or it's not about having a beautiful office, or it's not about paghaharang ng contacts and all, or it's not about gaining points to gain a better position. no, it's not about that. it's about the work, it's about the institution, and it's about the love of the art. yun yung caring. yun ang care. ngayon, kung sino mang hudas ang magwawalanghiya sa institusyon at sa mga tao doon, siyempre inaayos yan agad. dagliang gagawan ito ng paraan, remedyo at lunas, kung maaari. minsan, sasabihin ng karamihan na di kami nakikinig sa kanila. kung di namin ginagawa iyon, bakit kaya wala na riyan ang mga taong una nilang nakagisnan? yan ang tinatawag na paglilinis ng bahay. minsan, kahit ang nakakalat sa bahay mo ay tipak ng kristal o sa tingin nila'y piraso ng ginto, kahit ano pa man yan, kalat pa rin siya. kalat. na nakakadumi, na nakakasugat ng paa pag natapakan, na nakakaabala ng karamihan. abala. kaya kelangang alisin, walisin, tanggalin. iyan ang hindi nila naiintindihang madalas.

tama. ako ang dakilang taga-walis. akala lang nila minsan, ako lang ang nagdedesisyong magwalis. pero kadalasan diyan, dalawa ang kasama ko sa pag-aanalisa kung ano ang dapat walisin o hindi. kaya tatlo ay para may majority rule. minsan, wagi ako. minsan, laos ako. pero yun ang ganda ng demokrasya -- majority wins.

kaya siguro ako napapagod lately ng madalas. pati utak ko, pagod, hindi lang pisikal. kaya siguro nahihirapan akong matulog. sobra. kahit iniba ko na ang blocking ng pd sa set ko, wala pa ring tulog na dumarating. mahirap...

para sa mga nanonood lang sa tabi, akala nila ganoon kadali ang magwalis. mahirap siya. sobra. ako ang napagbubuntunan ng sama ng loob, ng chismis, ng pagyuyurak, ng kritisimo. pero salamat na lang sa training at pinanggalingan ko, nahulma ako sa paggawa ng armor na kayang harangan ang mga ito. paminsan-minsan lang may lumulusot na pana sa achilles heel kaya natatabig ng konti, pero di pa rin natitibag o matitibag. isang salita lang yan: KEBER!

kadalasan, maraming hinihingi ang kapaligiran na sobra sa kakayanan mong ibigay. pero kinakaya mo, dahil gusto mo, dahil may paninindigan ka sa espasyong ginagalawan mo, dahil may paniniwala ka sa mga magdadala ng hinaharap ng bayang ito, ng industriyang ginagawalan namin/natin. pero kung yuyurakan mo ang mga magdadalang ito, ako ang makakaaway mo. kung ginagamit mo lang ang mga ito para palawigin ang sarili mong proyekto o kapakanan, mag-isip-isip ka na. kaya ka natatanggal. kaya ka napapalitan. kaya na hindi nare-renew. kaya ka hindi na tinatawag muli. kahit pa anak ka ng diyos. kahit pa anak ka ng kumpare ng diyos. kahit pa anak ka ng kumpare ng kapitbahay ng diyos. kahit pa ikaw ang diyos (sa tingin mo). kahit sikat ka. kahit anak ka ng sikat. kahit anak ka ng kapitbahay ng sikat. kahit anak ka ngapitbahay ng kumpare ng kakilala ng sikat. kahit sabihin mong kahit kelan, puwede ka namang bumalik. kahit gumawa ka ng sarili mong espasyo para akitin ang ibang nabubulag sa liwanag ng peke. kahit magbuo ka ng sarili mong grupo at daotin ang mga grupong galing sa amin. kahit sabihin mong nag-resign ka kahit ang totoo e you were fired because you fucked up big time. kahit na ano pang press release ang gawin mo para yurakan ako/kami/ito. kahit iparamdam mong gusto mog tumulong pero ang totoo pala e may resentment ka sa pinapagawa sa yo. kahit may tatlong letra pagkatapos ng pangalan mo na wala kaming lahat. kahit ikaw na ang pinakamatagal na nilalang sa espasyong ito na tinubuan na ng ugat kaya ang utak mo ay nagka-ugat na rin at huminto na sa pag-function. kahit na ang self-esteem mo ay sobrang inversely proportional sa grabe lang na achievements mo. kahit na nanunuhog ka ng menor de edad at nangbubuntis nang walang pananagutan. kahit na mas matanda ka sa akin at di ka naniniwalang "old age does not bring instant wisdom." kahit na. kahit na. yes, kahit na. may ganung factor. may ganun.

meron.

mahirap magtantiya. mahirap tumantiya. kaya tama pa rin ang mantra. one day at a time. one hour at a time. one fault at a time. one moment at a time.

ganyan na lang.

*



a basta. ako masaya. ako mainam. kung di ka agree, wala akong magagawa. puwede rin namang di ako agree sa iyo. kanya-kanya na lang chever if ever.

if ever...