05 September 2007

on giving up, giving in and giving out

i think i'm reacting to an upsurge of conservatism and traditionalism these days. maybe that's why i'm haywiring. i don't really understand when, in this day and age of pomo thinking (or postmodern, as what my friend roselle said), dapat nga post-pomo and meta-whatever na dapat ang approach natin sa ating mga buhay at sining kaya lang di ko mawari kung bakit tila pabaligtad yata ang orbit ng earth around the sun.

but no. until the old geezers and their younger minions die, there is no hope for the uplifting and challenging of norms in this country. i honestly wonder where all the progressives have gone. i can't seem to detect them with any available radar on board.

it gets me thinking again. thinking of leaving. i really wonder why there is such a backlash/backslide in conservative mode of approaching art and artists when in fact, the very essence of art and artists is not nailed on conservatism. that is such a strange thing to realize. but what's worse is to see how the supposed messengers of post-pomo thinking are harking back to the old ways when even the dark ages seemed peachy. now that is one scary motherfucking realization all right. hay...

man. only a voyage dans le lune or a journey down the 2000 leagues under the sea would cure/solve/remedy all this. hay... but are we ready to plunge? we will channel georges melies and jules verne for this one. plus maybe with a little help from icarus might be nice.

dig in. take off.

*

shut down and shut off. these are the two modes i have been ruminating on doing lately. i wonder why is that so?

*

i am genuinely saddened by the fact that there are still no legal rights to claim your loved one's rightful earnings as yours, in the event of sickness or death. everything reverts back to the family, who may or may not have cared for the lovers in the fist place. and people around them are somewhat reinforcing that. i am just so saddened.

my default is to identify and sympathize with the one who was left. but again, even if they didn't mean to, people have their homophobias surface when in fact it is so easy for them to just join the fight and fight for their friends' rights. but they do not do that.

sad...

however, in the end, sometimes economics rule far better than romance, or even love. and economics do not have emotions, just denominations. pera o bayong?

pera syempre, sabi nila.

yun na.

*

hermit crab mode

october 1997. i was in beautiful bantayan island about 2 hours away from cebu's city center, holed in a resort with literary luminaries and hopeful young and not so young writers. kinda beatnik poet ed geronia picked up a hermit crab and made a name plate for him, and put him on the table with all our things and nameplates. yes, hermit crab became part of the UP writers workshop.

i am flashbacking to this moment now because it was the first time i saw a hermit crab. and when i saw what it could do, i was amazed. whenever and wherever it wanted, it could retract inside its own little world and hide from its strong shell if it doesn't want anybody to bother it. and not even the roar of the seas could make its head appear and such. at that time, i admired the hermit crab.

and now, i want to be a hermit crab. for real.

where do i find a fairy godmother with a wand, now?

pish tosh.

*

earlier, i kissed (more like beso besoed) a worker who pretends to be an artist who pretends to care for real. my friend, who was with me and who was also kissed, shared a few laughs with me when we assessed the whole scenario.some people never learn, and some people never learn to tell the difference.

indeed.

the bottomline is still the same: opportunists suck. reek. stench to near-death levels it makes kamineros wanna puke.

blah.

*

there is still one bottomline here. we are faced with a hamlet mode. to be or not to be. but then, there is no outrageous fortune to partake of. no slings, not even arrows... but maybe ghosts that haunt the castle at certain times of sanity when aloneness seems to creep within the edifice of the building and of the body, when the creeping produces burning within the mind and numbing of the heart, but mostly, stilling of the heart that could either bleed or beat.

hala na-possess na ko ni shakespeare. magiging bakla na rin ako? chos.

petrarchan sonnet ka jan.

*

2 down, 4 more to go, plus an older sibling and a friend, and the mother.

life will not stink anymore when this happens. i hope this happens soon. soon enough!

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