Para kay Mang CV

Sinimulan kong buksan ang pahinang ito para magsulat ng isang post tungkol kay Mang CV. Pero parang tila nailabas ko na yata kagabi ang anumang raw emotions na kailangan kong mailabas. Kaya ire-repost ko na lang dito yung nilagay ko sa Instagram/FB kagabi, matapos ko siyang dalawin sa huling pagkakataon sa mundong ito.

Paalam, Mang CV. At salamat. Maraming salamat.

Yung eksenang pasko ng pagkabuhay ngayon pero galing ako sa patay. Paano, nag-roll credits na kasi si Mang CV, dakilang property custodian sa UP Masscomm Film dept kung saan ako nag-undergrad na naging UP Film Institute kung saan ako nagturo. Nakita ko ang parehong side ng film at mahalaga ang naging function ni Mang CV sa buhay film namin, mula sa panahong kinakapa ko ang pag-develop ng Tri-X roll ko sa darkroom hanggang sa naging honor ma-refer ng batchmates mo na "wow para ka nang si Mang CV" dahil kayang-kaya ko nang kapain ang Bolex cam nung nag-spaghetti ang 16mm film sa loob nito isang beses na nagshu-shoot ako ng film thesis ko, hanggang sa pagtambay naming barkada sa room niya after class para manood lang ng koleksiyon ng rare films na di namin nahihiram sa labas tulad ng mga pelikula ni Zhang Yimou, Francois Truffaut at marami pa, hanggang sa inatasan akong maging head ng academic programs and research division ng Film Insti nang naging faculty ako, narinig ko ilang beses sa buhay na ito ang suporta niya na "sige, ako bahala" kapag kailangan ko ng tulong niya. Cool lang siya at mapagpasensiya lagi, kaya kinainis ko nang may isang lecturer dati na nakawala ng library book dahil pinatong daw niya sa mesa ni Mang CV expecting him to return it pero nung nawala, si Mang CV pa ang pinapabayad niya at di niya inako ang kasalanan. Kaya tuwing nakikita ko ngayon ang lecturer na ito, na sinipa namin pero pinulot ng ibang departamento, ito ang naaalala ko lagi. Di ko na alam kung ano ang naging resolusyon doon pero sana ang mga taong tulad ni Mang CV ay nirerespeto. Nalulungkot ako ngayon dahil di man lang ako nakapagpaalam at nakapagpasalamat nang husto o pormal sa mga mabubuting budhi na staff nang bigla akong mag-alsa balutan sa pagtuturo. Pero alam kong alam niyang kailangan ko na kasing tumalilis noon; minsan, kailangan mong mag-exit frame bigla sa ilang eksena sa buhay. Kaya ngayon ako nagpaalam, at alam kong cool lang siyang tatango na "okay lang" sabay ngiti. Paalam Mang CV. Regards mo ko kay Ma'am Ellen, Sir Hammy at Sir Joven diyan. Cut ka na dito, pero take 2 ka na diyan, change location lang. Ingat po.

my March 8 talk - where are the lesbians on women's day?

Hang out with me on International Women's Day in case you're in the vicinity of UP Diliman and you are free and want to listen to a small talk I'm delivering about lesbian literature. It's free of charge and open to the public.

Yes, shameless plug. Kitakits.

CMC Faculty Colloquium 2011

March 8 Tuesday 2:30-4pm

UP College of Mass Communication

Auditorium (Plaridel Hall annex building)

Decoding decades of absence:

Searching for lesbianism in Philippine literature in English

by libay linsangan cantor

Abstract:

This paper is a survey of the notable batch of the earliest lesbian-themed literary short stories written in English in the Philippines published by mainstream magazines and publishing houses from the early 1990s up to the early 2000s. The aim of this paper is to analyze what types of narratives are being selected for publication which directly indicates the level of authenticity of how Filipino lesbians are characterized and constructed and also indicative of how lesbianism as a theme is carried out in Philippine literature in English. The objective of utilizing this process is to trace how lesbian literature emerged within this literary space and how it runs parallel to or clashes with the tradition of women writing in English in the Philippines.

Author:

Libay Linsangan Cantor is a two-time winner of the Don Carlos Palanca Memorial Awards for Literature in 1997 for her short story in Filipino “Si Joe Cool Kasi” (Joe Cool’s Fault) and the short story for children in Filipino “Si Totoy sa Gubat ng Diwata” (Totoy in the Forest of the Fairies).

She used to have a literary column entitled “The Scribe Vibe” at the Manila Times newspaper’s Sunday Times section which ran from 2008 to 2010. She now contributes regularly to the Philippine Online Chronicles (POC) Pinoy LGBT channel online webzine by Vibal Foundation since June 2010.

She is also a trained TV/film scriptwriter and won honorable mention for her lesbian-themed screenplay at the 1998’s Film Development of the Philippines Inc.’s annual screenwriting competition. She began scriptwriting for children’s TV shows in 2001 with the ABS-CBN Foundation-produced Epol/Apple educational program. In 2006, she began directing for TV, handling the Saturday morning TV show Lovely Day for GMA-7. She also scripted and directed a few episodes of other GMA-7 children’s shows Happy Land and Sunnyville in 2009-2010.

Libay has a BA in Film and Audiovisual Communication from UP College of Mass Communication and an MA in Creative Writing from the UP College of Arts and Letters. She was a co-founder of the now defunct UP Sappho Society (1999), the first university-based lesbian organization in the Philippines. She is currently part of the Asia-Pacific advisory board for the International Fund for Sexual Minorities of the New York-based Astraea Lesbian Foundation for Justice.

(en)rage(d) against the dying of the light(bulb)

Apologies to Dylan Thomas for re-appropriating that poetic line of his, but there's no other feeling to feel, really, but rage (so be enraged!) against the dying (or already dead?) open-mindedness of, um, academic freedom (?) in my beloved University of the Philippines, in this case the Diliman flagship campus. Snuff the lightbulb there Dylan, especially the French kind, for bigotry was, once again, proven to exist in my alma mater.

Insert sob here. Sing with me now: where have all the open-minded-yoopee-peeps-gone? Sorry, no flowers this time, folks.

photo by me, taken during the
Dec 2010 UP Diliman lantern parade

To know what I'm talking about, this link at the UP Babaylan blog explains it all. Babaylan is the first university-based LGBT organization in the campus, in the country, and in Asia. And the discriminated one was one of them -- Ms. Hender. The gist of the case is, Hender identifies as a woman and she requested her French teacher to utilize feminine French pronouns in addressing her. But this was not approved by the teacher who said that part of this prof's reason was that "she is a Christian" and then the chair of their department agreed with this Christian prof and denied Hender's request as well, because this chair said Hender is still legally male regardless of her gender identity.

Insert tumbling flashback here! Like now na!

A good gay friend of mine, an ex-UP prof I should say (he had his own reasons for leaving), messaged me on FB to say that he also flashbacked to three-four years ago upon hearing of Hender's incident. And why is that? Because one UP prof also told me -- yes, moi! -- during that time that he cannot continue as my MA thesis adviser because I was writing about lesbian erotica fiction for my thesis and that "he is a Christian" as well. Read about my account of that in this POC article. Opo, pinagkakitaan ko na ang homophobia niya, bakit ba. Hmp!

Tell me why this incident is so wrong in so many levels. S'il vous plait.

Okay let me count the ways. Un, deux, trois...

1. It happened in UP? Where the society is supposed to be "godless" as they say? And where liberal thought is the highlight of each minute. Supposedly. Hm.

2. Professors, supposed purveyors of knowledge, purport bigotry, prejudice and homophobia instead. I wonder how one can teach with so much negativity? What kind of lessons are they imparting? Hm.

3. It's 2011, not 1911, not 2001, and definitely not 1986. Society should have since progressed. Even just a tad bit. Especially about dealing with often marginalized sectors like the LGBTQ community. Or maybe not. In the Philippines. Yet. Hm.

4. And Ms. French teacher, you know that what you did is not right. Ce n'est pas juste. Pramis, beki ka. Hm.

Sing with me now: Things that make you go hmmmmm...

Ewan.

To share my own thoughts about this, I have to cite a recent example -- a parallel one -- that happened in my class this semester. I have a student who looks, acts and is so like a girl, so I thought she was biologically a girl. Let's hide her using the name "Christian Santos." I made a booboo at the start of the semester with Christian when I was doing the roll call. Upon calling the obviously masculine-originated name of Christian, I looked up to see the face behind the name. When I saw a pretty girl raise her hand upon being called Christian, I did a double-take and said "Oh, you're Christian?" And she answered with a smile and answered demurely, "Yes ma'am." And I don't know why but I said "Oh, so a girl with a boy's name, huh. Cool." And then continued to call the roll.

A few meetings after, when Christian became active in the class discussions, it was only then that I realized that she was transgender. So siyempre, tumbing ang lola mo! How could have I missed that? I felt massively horrified that I made that first day of class mistake of cracking that name comment. So after that third class meeting, I called her outside the room and talked to her. I first apologized to her for saying that bit about the name double-take I did during our first day, and clarified if she identified as transpinay. She said she actually identifies more as a girl, really, and that's what she is comfortable with. Again, I apologized for not recognizing her gender identity immediately and she said it's okay and smiled. I then asked if she was a member of any org, and she said she is with UP Babaylan. We had some small talk about the upcoming Pride March then before parting. So that was cool. I was appeased and I was glad that I was able to correct that booboo of mine.

How I wish that French prof could have just done the same for Hender. Or if she needs some pointers, I could gladly sit with her and chat about this, prof to prof. That is, if her Christianity is not offended by my queerness. Which I highly doubt. Hm. Okay scrap that. Let her read the Bible na lang. For more enlightenment. Chos.

Imagine if this kind of I'm-a-Christian-and-you're-queer-so-you're-eeew bigotry in UP can happen to me before, a graduate student and a professor in the university as well, I could just imagine how queer undergrads are silenced by such prejudice on a daily basis. Oh my.

What do we do, then?

Its funny that I write this today, during the 25th anniversary of the EDSA 1 People Power revolution. Twenty-five years ago today, Filipinos got collectively tired of the suppression of a lot of freedoms one usually enjoys on this earth. Twenty-five years ago today, Filipinos got collectively courageous and stood for days in the middle of a highway and peacefully demanded to reclaim their rightful place in this country, their country, our country. Twenty-five years ago today, the world respected and recognized our move to be silent no more, to speak up against oppression openly, without fear or prejudice, without giving a damn to what will happen at that certain instant but only giving a damn about what future the country and the people would have if nothing was done back then. Like the anti-dictatorship slogan said: NEVER AGAIN!

So nuns and priests prayed on the sidewalks, mothers packed food to share with other rallyists they didn't know on the streets, children looked at tora-tora planes flying in the skies and the army tanks on the streets in awe, like they were in the middle of a live diorama of war, teenagers wore yellow shirts and head bands, musicians sang folk protest songs, and everyone else chimed in. And a few days later, the country underwent a drastic paradigm shift. And the rest, as they say, is l'histoire.

Twenty-five years ago, Miss Hender may not have been born yet. Twenty-five years ago, I was a twelve year old looking at the skies in awe of those tora-tora planes. Twenty-five years later, Hender is a student in UP Diliman learning the French language. Twenty-five years later, I have obtained my BA and MA and am currently teaching in UP Diliman. But twenty-five years later, for Hender and me, it still feels like an earlier 1986 for us -- before the rallies, before the prayers, before the fight against oppression.

Twenty-five years after 1986, people like Hender and I, we feel like we are still in a dictatorship, as powers that be tell us that we cannot freely and openly declare who we really are, laws and religious guidelines are crafted to curtail our human rights, and some people around us don't give a flying fuck as long as they could enjoy the daily privileges that are denied us in the first place -- the privilege to live freely and openly, the privilege to love who we want to love, the privilege to be with people we love, the privilege to be who we are.

What do we do, then?

photo taken by me during the
June 2009 LGBT Pride March in Baguio

To ask Dylan Thomas to wrap this up, we should continue doing what we did, and still do -- live, love, speak up, act up, work together, FIGHT! To all queer people out there who are continually being suppressed and oppressed, please, do not go gentle into that good night. And always rage against the dying of the light. Or better yet, do not let our torches of freedom be snuffed, for we do not want to be in the dark with these people from the Dark Ages.

Rage! And fight! Speak up! But as always -- while being fabulous. Because that's what we have and they don't have. Itsura lang teh!

Stop homophobia in UP. Prejudice against queers? I say NEVER AGAIN.

Teachers, learn your lessons, please. For real.

I -- thank you. Bow.

of natural highs and eliminating lows

As I write this, it's two hours before the final rehearsals for this year's Hagikhikan 2010, or the University of the Philippines Diliman's annual Faculty Follies show where different UPD profs, instructors and lecturers show their lighter side to a bunch of eager colleagues, students, staff and whoever wants to watch teachers make a fool of themselves at the UP Theater.

This was us yesterday as we were rehearsing. Photo from my college film buddy and co-UP Film Institute colleague Melissa:

Hanep!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's soooo happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fraaaaaakkk!!! December 15 3pm and 7pm at the UP Theater.
That's the day I become a Youtube sensation! Wooot :P

I just shook off my pending stage fright this morning by spending two hours at the gym downstairs where I live. Well, it worked! Working out lately has given me a new sense of natural high, one I've been missing for months -- nay, years now, actually. I'm glad to rediscover this, sweating out the bad vibes and kicking in on the endorphin supply to trick my brain and body to feel happy, successfully.

And goddess knows I need new supplies of natural highs these months, 'no? Yeah, the universe is telling me... and sending me some. Which is cool. I think.

One such natural high is having meaningful conversations with new friends from abroad, new friends I've been hanging out with lately, young ones who provide me a new sense of kinship in some strange way with the female power of the universe. I always like hanging out with new people regardless of age, as long as they exhibit that emotional maturity that is so lacking in some adults I interact with here. So imagine the breath of fresh air these idealistic young thinkers are providing me. I miss having these kinds of discourses. Not that I'm not getting any from existing friends. It's an addition to that.

Ah yes, friends. That is another natural high I've been honing lately. The support they've been sending me, in any kind and any permutation, is very much welcomed especially during this last quarter of the year. Whether it's a special gym workout, beer buckets in Cubao X, dinner or lunch breaks from work and play, impromptu movie dates, momentary dancing parties, quiet chats over coffee or whatever whether person-to-person or via online means, they're all good, all welcome, all valued. Interactions give me personal highs. I heart my friends.

I guess this college participation thing at the faculty follies is my latest natural high in that regard. And again, goddess knows I need to have more highs in that space at these times. And I'm glad I'm getting it from colleagues, friends and allies there. Or as I'd like to term them, people who are not insecure of me (my intelligence? my beauty? my spunk? my energies? my in-your-face queerness? take your pick!) and therefore do not need or see the need to pull me down or malign me or stab me behind my back. Oh yeah, that's heavy, huh? Well, buy me some drinks and I'll tell you about it sometime heheh...

But I guess that's the thing with having natural highs. I want to have more so I could eliminate lows, such deep lows, that I have been in danger of being trapped in. I guess I am thankful to the universe for showing me quite a few comets of opportunities that gave me much-needed inspiration and direction to just be, just act, just take it all in stride, and grab the bull by the horn. Hey, this bull is hearing it, universe. Send some more feelers!

One major low, one that I was expecting to be a low, was the latest pride march. Sure, it was cool, it was closer, but somewhere along its preparation, I also decided that this should be my last. My last Manila pride march. I don't know; this is a helluva long discourse. Maybe some other time. But this is the reason why I borrowed a friend's DSLR and captured it the way I wanted to, this time digitally. And I got the 1,000+ pictures to fill me with enough memories to live with.

somebody, a friend of a friend, took this kinda stalker photo
of me during pride hahaha. but i love it! it's showing the good work
i've been doing for myself lately. this is the first time after 10 years
that i wore a tank top in public. dig that! i kid you not.
gotta love your own body! :)

No, this doesn't mean I'm dying or moving or whatnot. I just decided. Sometimes, you would know that enough is enough, and one should know when enough is indeed enough. That's called gut feel. And we should trust our bodies more, listen to what it's saying to us about a lot of things because sometimes, our minds don't have a clue and our hearts are just blinded by emotions, mostly fear. Or maybe insecurity.

I was just talking to a good friend about this last night over some vodka sprite. How do you conquer lows? I shared with her how I've managed to wake up from this decade-long slumber, that my interaction with new people, especially her, roused me up from this deep sleep and made me realize that who I really am is this person that's buried deep down in some emotional quagmire that was suddenly built around me, most times without my consent but sometimes with my permission. And after flagellating myself for letting that happen to me, I came to realize that it's time to take it back, take me back, TAKE THE REAL ME BACK. And thus, I am putting her back in orbit, in circulation, and whoever wants to hang out in this universe is most welcome to make contact, for it is not an awful waste of space as Carl Sagan once wrote, but it is a reclaiming of a once-awesome space I am reliving in this new time-space continuum we call today.

Yes, sorry I'm a geek lyk dat :P

Welcome to my universe. Feel free to orbit around.
(taken by my sister at the Griffith Observatory
in LA, California April 2010)

Maybe that's all it takes for one to discover one's self again -- having new interactions, new conversations, new ways of looking at old(er) things. That's what's happening to me right now. And recent conversations with former students also affirm me towards that direction. Sometimes it's just so heartwarming to realize how you've taught some of these great kids well, and they're now the ones who are teaching me back the lessons I taught them. Funny that.

Full circle. I love it.

And perhaps other highs to replace some lows will be rolling in in a few weeks or so. Contributing to much appreciated security of sorts in other parts of my life. That's cool. The first one already kicked in, and I hope there's more to come. But that's another blog post altogether.

So there you go. And that's where I am, and that's where I'll be heading, I guess. Like my headline says in DL, I'm just revolving around four-letter words. Whatever those words are, they don't matter, as long as the spirit or essence behind them are the ones ruling me, making me happy, checking my gear in order, guiding me. And they need not be literally taken as well.

Life.
Love?
Lust.
Shit!
Fuck.
Damn!
Yeah!
Hate.
Cool.


Sometimes, there's just too many four-letter words. So we take them one day at a time.

As always.