14 January 2012


It's a Saturday night as I write this, and it's also the calm before the storm...

Nothing serious, just taking it easy right now. I have this feeling that life will become hectic once Monday comes. No, I take that back. I k
now for a fact that it will be hectic, and who knows what follows soon after.

It's from all points in my life, I guess. My family's going to be busy once my tita, who spent a g
reat deal of time last year in Canada with my lolo before he died, is coming home, and my other tita and tito are coming home with them. Stories galore. We'll be spending a lot of time together here since I reneged on my promise to spend last Christmas in Toronto with them, simply because I wasn't able to afford it back then (and because I don't think I could survive winter!). This should be fun. I'm actually excited to hang out with them again. I miss this side of the family. And for that, I'm planning to spend my birthday in Canada with them, but that also remains to be seen, as I don't know what life has in store for me during summer. So we'll see. Hoping, and keeping mental notes about things.

Another Canadian presence is here, my high school best friend from Calgary, who told me this funny story of not being able to get her present to me, a Canadian specialty, past through customs haha! Oh man, that was such a bummer. But I'm just glad she's here, and we could hang out again. Awaiting for another hangout session soon before she leaves later this month. We had a blast with our batchmates in our reunion last week, and we're replicating that fun again soon. This is cool.

goofing around with my high school classmates
(January 2012 somewhere in Marikina, photo by Neri)

I'm also in the middle of preparing for a work gig next week for my former NGO. While it's currently inducing a bit of stress on my part, I also can't wait to start it. I need to get busy again, that's why. Plus of course the extra money won't hurt. Funding future life plans is the main thing now. So yes, universe, keep 'em coming.

And then I'm also seriously contemplating on starting another project which another kindred spirit brought up, since one pending project we were going to do got shelved. Again another stress inducer at the moment. Oh well, such is life. I just hope we ace this one as well, because I am intrigued and excited by the prospect that this project would bring, even if it won't earn me as much as I hope I could get. The work is enough. Yes, I need to be busy. And then we also spent a good deal of time yesterday talking about her current pet project outside Manila, since she's moving back there already. Yeah, another good friend leaving Manila. I've been having lots of those lately, but at least, she's just within reach in the country. We're both excited about her pet project and I will definitely be helping out on that one.

getting busy with work, as exemplified by the state of my office (December 2011 in UP)

But I am also neglecting two huge personal writing projects on my plate since last month. I don't know, maybe I'm not really ready to give that to the world. Maybe. Even if friends are already excited to see it and do it with me. Well, we'll see again. Or maybe I'm just being lazy to face it. I don't know why. I'm really excited about them but at the same time I don't know which or where to start! Haha creative dilemma overflow indeed! If only I didn't need to spend some time earning a living, I'd rather be doing this the whole time, you know. But as we all know, writing doesn't earn you much in this country, unless you sell out... which I am also currently doing. Ah! Artistic woes. Why you no leave me? Hm.

New year, new look. Genderqueer is here.
(January 2012 at my crib)

I guess I'm also a bit distracted lately in other aspects. But it's a good kind of distraction, because it's the kind that heals my soul. It's a distraction that makes me smile. I'd rather be happy in being distracted this way than being sad and wallowing on something unattainable, or something that doesn't feel like it wants me, or maybe the universe doesn't want it to happen for me, to me, for some strange reason only the universe knows, you know. Well, you know what I mean. Being unsure. It disrupts the calmness of my being, especially if I always spend my free time worrying about someone I care about so deeply. Oh man. I don't know if I'm making sense here but the point is, I just want things to be calmer inside of me. Fortified, still working on it, and the next step is achieving inner calm.

But I also hope that the people I deeply care for also deeply care for themselves as well, and that is what worries me. Well, no choice; that's how I am with people I love and care for. I worry about them, by default. You'll know that I don't give a flying fuck about someone if I don't spend time worrying about their well-being. My true
friends know this, as well as my family. So regardless if you're new in my sphere but if you're cool enough to be in it, then I automatically care for you, no matter the degree of our relationship, no matter the newness of our interaction. Of course if you've been in my life for a while, even if you don't get in touch, I still worry about you, because I care for you, especially if you know that you mean a lot to me as a human being, whatever permutation of relationship we have. I guess that's just how I am programmed. I guess it's not only in material things I am generous with, but with emotions as well, as some have pointed out in the past to me. Hm, well, what else will we do with a beating heart, eh? Such is life. Feel it.

So yeah, calm. I hope to have that soon. Or maybe now? In the nea
r future. Well, I don't know. Any kind of calm is good for me right now.

getting busy with life, as exemplified by my writing nook (December 2011 at my crib)

Another thing that's making me unstable is school. Well, what else is new? Not teaching, but the other stuff. It all started last week as our institute prep
ared for revamps in our graduate curriculum, and of course I am involved in such changes again. That was last week's stress. Also pressured to finish one paper I am presenting in a film conference in Hong Kong by March, but I will only go if the school gives me funds. Although I'd really love to travel again, it's quite hard to sync that with another incentive that's making me stay here during that time. Well, we'll see. Priorities. Yes, we still need to do them. And to focus, too. Ah! Distractions. Of the good kind. The excitable kind. We need that as well. To live. So we weigh. As we feel.

So many things happening on my plate right now, and most times I don't know where to start. Creative endeavors, interactions with people, events, projects, what have you. Life. Yes, it's happening. Yes, it's moving. So yes, I need this ca
lm, right before life takes me off to different directions again, ever so early in the year. It's quite exciting, to tell you the truth. Many promising details. Many surprising turnouts, and many excitable leads. I guess this year of the dragon will definitely roar for this ox, in more ways than one. In fact, it already has taken me off the ground, as I am floating a bit already. It's also a leap year as I checked, so maybe this is the year we leap again to things unknown. Whatever those things are, we have yet to discover. The important thing is, we decide to move, and not to be stagnant. We decide to be active, we decide to be creative. And best of all, we decide to be happy.

Toasting the new year with a bit of, uh, cholesterol on the side.
Hey, life is short! Indulge! (January 2012 at my crib)

Indeed, life is short to merely think of what once was. We have to be awake to see what else could be there, could happen, could take place. No regrets, no excuses, no apologies. Again, maximum amount of pleasure, minimum
amount of bullshit. This should be the mantra for the year.

Okay let's move!

chillin' with my new girlfriend Nona (okay that's my 7Dcam, before y'all react haha!)
during our family xmas get-together (December 2011 somewhere in Pasig)


  1. I hope you don't mind I added you to my Google Reader blog roll. It's hard to find well-written blogs these days, especially those written by fellow Pinays. Yours is well-written. Keep writing!


    P.S. You don't like horror movies? Really? :-)

    1. heya, i always welcome new liaisons, so it's cool. thank you for reading. haha yeah horror movies are something else. got enough horror in daily life so i figure i need something else in my cinematic fare haha! :P feel free to comment as well. i'm a fan of feedback. :)

  2. I promise I'm not stalking but I just had to keep reading when I found out you're a two-time Palanca awardee. One word: Epic! I can only try to keep writing but I can never seem to regurgitate something substantial or worthy or submission. Ugh! A girl can only dream :P


    1. haha well, you won't be considered a stalker if you somewhat identify yourself and point to me where i could see you in cyberspace, even just a peek :) but i respect anonymity as well, so what the hell, just read on! this is why i write -- to be read. bah, awards, that was a long time ago. i'm only as good as my last articulation. but sometimes, we need to operationalize our dreams, so hey, life's too short - submit. :)

  3. This silly girl doesn't have a Facebook page. Except for my cheesy, mushy-driven blog, the renaissance chick, there's really nothing. So, I should just introduce myself na lang. I'm Tata :) life's too short. Heard this twice today. Maybe it's high time I start listening :)


    1. haha thanks tata. now that's better for conversations, don't you think? :) now where is that blog of yours? sige na, pasilip lang. i don't judge, don't worry hehe :P

      and PS there's no such thing as silly. and writers don't believe in cheesy. cheese is but one of the stuff that makes the bread of life lovelier to bite (er, no religious pun intended). so hey, don't dismiss it hehe.

  4. Sige na nga, visit renaissancechick.blog.com. if you've got the time. It's more of embarrassment really rather my worrying about you judging me. Went through some rough times recently and it's all over my blog. So I apologize for the drama. Hehehe!

    My, oh my, such lovely words. But yeah, mighty good point you've got there :)

    P.S. this is nice, i like chatting with you, libay :)

    1. tata, come on, you kidding me? you talking "drama all over a blog?" haller teh, anech kaya ang mga nakasulat na itech sa blogchenelyn koh??? since 2005 caramba! hahaha! this girl i dated sabi nga niya dati, masyado daw akong out and confessional sa blog ko kyeme kyeme. but your reason is precisely why i blog in the first place -- kasi sana may mapulot na something useful ang fellow queers out there from my blog, even if i'm writing my personal stuff (di naman yata too revealing; i've learned to tame down over the years haha!)

      so bet lang yan. write write. sometimes it's also nice to chat outside of this. so if you want to do that, just holler. i'm always open to meet new people for chats. miss congeniality kyeme drama ng lola mo hehe :) we can chat about your blog naman hehe. it's nice. don't belittle yourself pls. i'm at leaflens@gmail.com. for more! chos. :)

  5. Out and confessional? Oh my gawd! That's me, right here! Hehe! When I started translating my being the way I am -- what's the difference pala between being a queer and a lesbian? -- via my blog, I never really cared much about what other people may think but when I start writing, I notice I don't filter. It's liberating that way. Then I reread what I've written and I get bothered about its effect on the people concerned, i.e. the past. Wala lang :)

    Reading your blog, I noticed you talk about NVM. We're related, he's my lolo. Not directly though, my grandmother is his younger sister. :)

    I'll probably take you up on that offer, halata bang wala akong makausap? i'm at ameyra.rosales@gmail. You're cool, libay, and thanks for being so accommodating. Ikaw na :)

  6. haha ayt! you got mail! :) thanks tata!

  7. well aint this quaint. yay to the interwebs