27 February 2009

wala ako sa mood...

...and it's not about procrastination this time. this is about something heavier -- temporality.

wikipedia defines it as such:

Temporality is a term often used in philosophy in talking about the way time is. The traditional mode of temporality is a linear procession of past, present, future. Some 20th century philosophers have made various interpretations of temporality in ways other than this linear manner; for example, the present moment emerging only from where our projected future is curled back into a past.

so bear with me if this unusual rant takes a longer time to unfold and express.

earlier, i blogged about how i had such a fucker of a day last wednesday, the actual people power 1 celebration day, and how my day started and ended in traffic, with my butt clearly ensconced into the fabric or material of the seat i was occupying. but it didn't end there. after the long trip back from uplb, my co-worker friend avie and i met up with fellow co-worker and friend teta din somewhere in riverbanks area marikina. a pity we arrived late for bellini's in calumpang, but still early for the new scenic pugad dencio's. we settled down there with our boxes of baked los banos goodies in tow, and discussed for about 2 hours or more, some issues and concerns that concern our work and all.

that was also indeed tiring.

but amidst all that talk in scenic riverside dencio's, a text from my mother zapped what energy was left of me. it said:

"wala na si dona. bumigay na heart."

earlier that day, i asked my new academic info officer, bang, to research on what sepsis is. simply put by teta's friend mavi, it just means blood infection, could be of the fatal kind. as i was gearing up last wednes
day morning to start my day, my mum texted that my young cousin dona slipped into a coma, because of complications of pneumonia, and sepsis as the doctor said. asthma runs in our family, and this whole medical condition of hers began with simple coughing and a bit of asthma fit. the night before that, her youngest sister boojing texted all her cousins to tell of her ate dona's situation. that was just a shocker.

and now this. she's gone.

dona was just 31. she was 3 months pregnant, as i learned from a cousin. she already has a child, a small kid named agatha. as pretty as her. well, everyone in the linsangan clan was pretty, after all. no bragging intended. we are blessed with good genes that carry pretty faces, big but
ts and humongous boobs. the female of the species, that is. although some male cousins have manboobs, but that's another issue...

"baby" agatha and dona,
from cousin aja's blog

she was just 31. my younger sister jazz, my only sibling, is 32. kami-kami ang magkababata, partly because their family (orfinada) and ours (cantor) grew up in project 4, a suburb in quezon city. our mom and their mom are sisters, sila ang bunso sa linsangan clan sisters or as we cousins fondly call them, "the golden girls." they had one brother, si kuyang, who died when i was young. my mom is the second youngest, my tita boochie was the youngest. tita boochie is dona's mom.

kaya ang close ko nang cousins, halos mga 2-4 years older sa akin, or 2-4 years younger sa akin. wala akong ka-age sa kanila, pero mas close ako sa younger batch. some of my older cousins have kids already, and these kids ay medyo malapit pa sa amin ng edad, kaya mas chika ko rin sila in a way. ganun din sina dona. kaya sometimes, growing up, i never liked attending the yearly linsangan reunions because i felt i was in the middle, with no particular ka-batch, until i caught up with my older cousins when i graduated and became a working professional. pero itong mga mas bata ang ka-chokaran ko. like sina dona nga, at kapatid ko, at ako, pinagchichismisan namin ang ibang relatives at kung anu-ano pang issues sa clan ek. you know the drill. until our own lives put spaces in between our interactions as we grew older, experienced things outside our clan, and met people we related to better even if they were not our relatives.

so to learn that 31 year old younger cousin dona was gone made me think of temporality, of how our own ticking clocks tick loud enough for us to hear it, to better prepare us for what's about to come, or ignore it altogether and live life the way we want it to. with all the blah blah problems we have been having lately at work, it pales in comparison now when i think of my own temporailty, whether i will still be here with you today after i publish this post, or if tomorrow i'll be another fertilizer at loyola memorial.

yeah, it's like that. it doesn't affect me this much when the death is of someone not that close, although i've been profoundly affected by deaths of people who are not my relatives but who were somehow close, or served as mentors. but this one is different. i grew up with this girl. she was there when i was making my film thesis (she acted in it). i saw her and her brother grow up. we were neighbors in bugallon street in project 4. we visited them often when they relocated to cainta. our family and their family was close. her mom and my mom are movie-watching buddies. it's different this time. i am affected. deeply affected. even if, in the past years, i didn't agree to where she was steering her life a bit (puro gimik), maybe now, in hindsight, it had a purpose, sabi nga ng nanay niya. na baka maikli lang talaga ang buhay niya kaya party dito, party doon, clubbing dito, nightlife doon ang ginawa. and i agree. baka nga that ticking clock was underneath all these actions, and we just weren't aware of it. but she was.

isa pang gusto ko sa family nila, alam nila ang media world. si tito bong kasi, may relatives na producers noon sa channel 9. dona's younger brother hugo was actually a contemporary of juday, or actually mas nauna pa siya umarte at umiyak sa soaps kesa kay juday, kasabay nila si gladys reyes na laging kontrabida, pero mabait sa totoong buhay. when i was 13, sila ang ka-hangout ko sa studios ng channel 9 where they taped their soaps, at doon ako unang nakakita ng tv shoot sa buhay ko, kaya may ganun akong affinity sa kanilang pamilya. kaya sa film thesis ko sa film school, silang magkapatid ang kinuha kong artista para sanay na. saka na-a-appreciate nila ang media work ko ng tunay, unlike my other relatives na flashy lang ang tingin dito, syempre kasi hindi nila naiintindihan ang inner workings ng media/showbiz.

kaya medyo weird na nakita ko siya sa loob ng kabaong, lifeless. ang magimik na pinsan e wala nang buhay. ang labo. and it still makes me tear up when i think about it. ang dami namang puwede mamatay muna di ba? satan has a long list. i have my own list, if the grim reaper wants it. just don't take young people like her away, like this. not like this. and not this early.

ang labo.

kaya for two days now, i opted to stay at home for now. next week na ko lalabas ulit, after her sunday burial. wala ako sa mood. dedma sa deadlines. hindi ako mamamatay kapag di ko sila na-beat. dedma sa responsibilities. life is too short to be stressed out by them, especially the unnecessary ones. those things can wait. just let me mourn for a while. then i'll be okay again. hindi ito OA. a weird sense of deep loss lang naman. and it's sad, really sad. when i entered the loyola chapel yesterday, hindi pa nga ako nakakasilip sa coffin, her dad, tito bong, burst into tears when he saw me. and i hugged him and i burst into tears as well. we instantly felt that loss, and we couldn't help it.

no, not like this. she's so young. marami pang puwedeng gawin. at paano na si agatha?

hay naku...things like this make me think of my own mortality, and how life is short, and how i have been lucky so far, to have attained all that i have attained in my life, and to reach the things i did, stuff like that. too bad she won't have that now.

yesterday at the wake, i knew her younger brother hugo already had his cry. but as i was chatting with my other cousins, i was watching him, standing alone in front of the coffin, his ar mscrossed near his chest, occasionally looking closely at her face, perhaps wondering if what he was seeing was true, or maybe hoping that what he was seeing was untrue. i welled up when i saw this scene, but i fought against it. nakakalungkot. nakakalungkot talaga.

so who's to say that 31 is a young age to die? most. pero paano kung iyon lang ang limit ng temporality niya? it makes me think of my own temporality then, kung ilang taon pa ako dito sa mundo, maglalakad, magsusulat, kakain, manonood ng sine, magmumuni-muni. i know i don't want to be a 70 year old invalid, so the moment na maging invalid ako, euthanasia na please. ayokong maging pabigat, at ayoko ring maging useless. ayoko ring naka-display ako sa wake. gawan niyo na lang ako ng avp na ipe-playback sa wake, tapos closed casket just like journalist louie beltran's, and after that, cremation na lang. part of my ashes sana maisambulat sa outer space, kung pagbibigyan ng NASA. the rest, itago ng sinumang nais magtago. ayokong ilibing, ayoko ng may tombstone. basta kung maalala ng tao, e di naalala. kung hindi, keri lang.

god. all of these problems at work, in life, seem useless now, banal, baseless, if confronted with mortality. so you see, it's not really procrastination. told you it was something else.

so i'll just let this pass. for now. ganun na lang siguro.

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