bad poetry night

originally posted at my downelink blog

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since this space is just asleep, i thought i'd wake it up with bad poetry hehehe. i am by nature a fictionist, to paraphrase leslie cheung's character in farewell my concubine. i'm not so confident about my poetry but what the hey, this space is a safe one for sharing among like-minded womyn, so i'll go for it...

so i'll just post my poetry here in the hopes that you gals would be able to decode it and maybe figure it out if i mean what i say or if i'm just pulling your leg... well, it's up to you to believe it or not. after all, i'm writing this during the influence of some liquid or substance whatsoever (whatever's in the legal limit, mind you).

whatever. here goes.

oh yeah, comments are most welcome. good AND bad. i don't cry at criticism, trust me. i'll even love you for it. yes, that's how masochistic i am about words...

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Resurfacing, unsaid
(for grace)

I keep wondering if you still have time for me
What’s everything for?
The future’s too far from the here and now
But I know you worry about that a lot
The whys, the heretofores sometimes leave me
Wandering to see if there is more
Time for me to have time for me
Unlike you

Driven by speed or caution
Is not the way to go
For us
Maybe it’s time you said those
Dreaded words we both avoid
To say to each other:
It’s not working for me.
Or is it such a dreaded
Declamation that makes us feel
Entwined with work that we hope the other
Could just forget the whole thing
That is us?

Is there still an us?

Makes me wonder how people tick
Tucked in their own spaces
Talking about things that preoccupy
When the thing that we wanted most
To hear is not signified
In any matter or form whatsoever
Make or break, so be it
But who’s the first one
To acknowledge?

I know it would never be you
For that is your nature
To wait on things that satisfy
And leave formalities unattended
Until it is too late to restart
And all you will be left with is
Yourself, without a start,
From the start.

I know it would never be me
For it is in my nature
To behold the moment too much
And let you take your steps
Even if it means
You step on me, too
I have been known to be that
And do that, and be that, still

Makes me wonder if I’ve ever
Really changed for the better
Or for the worse
Some people think I deserve better
Than you, but I fought otherwise
Now, I am beginning to think
They are right
All along
But only about the part where
They think I could do better
Than be with someone
They don’t trust

I don’t know who to believe anymore
Them, or me, or you
Who keep on saying words that
Make me hold on
To what we have
Even if what we have is something
I could not quantify, or even qualify
As belonging to me, or to you

Clearly we do not see each other as
Property
Belonging, being, owing
Terms we do not use
In this day and age, we scoffed,
These are outmoded thoughts
But deep down, we both know
We wish those thoughts
Might some day – one day –
Apply to us. To me, to you,
And to that put together –
To us.

To us.

As to where we’re headed
That might be up to you
Entirely
Should you decide on things
For the better, without me,
Then so be it.
If you decide to be with me,
For worse,
Then so be it.
So long as you stay committed
To the truth
I will not question any argument
You will present as I mourn

No, it was never meant to be
Maybe it was meant to be
Something else
But we interpreted things differently
Or maybe it was not just
Our time to shine
Together

Whatever the ending
I know we had a beautiful beginning
Still, I am happy to have felt that
And for me to know
That you have felt that, too,
Is enough reason for me
To go on…without you
Should you decide to be,
To go on without me

I thank you.

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