29 February 2012

violet serene like none i had seen apart from dreams that escape me

No wonder this year is jumpy. Yes, pun intended. It's a leap year. And today marks that. So I thought I'd mark it with an entry that just punctuates a lot in me and also makes an ellipsis into future things to come.

Lots of people in our social network feeds have been making a big fuss about this day. So love mo
nth this year added an extra day. So what?

Extra heartbeats, that's what.

But first, let me get back to that phone call.

*


Hey you,

Yes, you. I am thankful that we finally got to talk. I have been wondering about you, ever since you left. I always thought you have been distant because you cannot bear the thought of a separation. But like I told you, and warned (for future use), distance
doesn't mean disconnection, unless that's how you interpret it. I know you had so many loose ends to tie up or untie within you, around you, inside you. Congratulations on your major victories. But while you were out in battle, I was kinda suffering from the loss of connection. I've never felt so isolated. And to think how connected we are as human beings -- or should I say were. We were connected.

It's funny that Tracy Chapman has to play while I type this portion. I will slightly remember that trip, your company, the good times, when this song plays. It will always hav
e a special place in my heart, that city, those moments, you. And I don't know about you but I don't want to let go of good memories. The times we spent, shared, they were invaluable. You came at a time when I needed that connection in my life. And I thank the universe for giving me that moment, that instance, to start a spark and somehow have some embers kept alive, to bring back the heat in my being ever so coldly doused by accident. You know the story. You know the motivation. You offered a friendship, and I thank you for being there. And more importantly, thank you for being you.

Thank you. Since
rely.

Now I don't know about keeping heartbeats alive for so many people as we often discussed and tried to practice (and quite failed), but sometimes, this heart of mine, I now realize that it could beat for many, but there would be more extra beats for someone who would see those beats and raise it tenfold. And that is what I wanted to tell you, ever since you got in touch again. But I feel that you didn't want to ask, so I didn't tell. I know that kind of silence between us, when we want to ask but we don't, and perhaps it's best to keep it that way, eh? Sometimes. Maybe one of these days, we will have the courage to ask the questions we've been dying to ask, but we would need more time to muster up more courage to accept the answers to those questions.

Yes, in your absence, my heart did not grow fonder. The distance killed me, I have to be brutally honest. The
silence pained me. And yes, sometimes, I have felt mad, like what you said. And sometimes, I also have to do the reading, for a change, with what is being written -- or perhaps not being written. Regardless if this is just my reading or not, it's still coming from me, and you know me and brutal truth, nothing like it. So this is that.

Now I know I shouldn't be selfish, but I know I also have to preserve something of me for me. And th
at is perhaps what happened during the time you were battling out your demons. Congratulations on that, by the way. I am so proud of you that you have done that. Now please, as a last call, plea, whatever you call it, please, never let anybody treat you that way again, because whether you believe it or not, you deserve to be treated better than that. Always. Never forget.

And also, never forget that you will always have a special place in my heart, because once upon a time, you were an important part of my being. And that I still care for you, immensely. And that I am still looking forward to the day when our paths will cross again, and we could catch up, as great friends.

Stories don't end. They just evolve, my dear. They evolve. And perhaps this is our evolution.

So thank you.

*

But let me get back to the chats as well.

*

Hey you,

Yes, you now, I'm talking to you. Now.

You are my now. I thank you for accepting that. I also thank you for giving me all that you have been giving me. I am actually still in awe and shock that you have extended your heart and mind, especially your patience and understanding, in accommodating needs I might have, and wants I might pursue. But the key word there is might. See, even if we have already declared our love for each other, you still permit me to go around and see other people. Wow. Can I just say wow! How revolutionary is that? I'm sorry but you know how our country lacks revolutionaries in that aspect. Or saints for that aspect. You are both, to me, now -- a saintly revolutionary, a revolutionary saint. Wow. Ikaw na teh. Ikaw na.

I know, I saw you when you saw my hesitation. It's my history, my baggage, my past. It still haunts sometimes. Not the good ones, but only the bad ones. I have to ask you to be extra patient even more, for sometimes, when memories come back to me, the pain does, too. But it doesn't mean that I am not yet over it, or that I need to be left alone to deal with it. No, it's not like that. Like what we chatted about, it's not like that, at all. Trust me when I say that I am okay, that I am sure about this, about us, that I am overflowing with happiness that you love me, and that I love you already, as well. And also, trust me
that you are making me feel like I want to be monogamous for you, even if you encourage me not to. I don't know. Those extra beats, they're all yours. All yours. And like you said earlier, this is getting more intense, as time passes. What a leap we made, eh, from those simple moments here in Metrowalk to that moment in Singapore, and now this. Wow. Our love travels quickly. I sincerely wish I don't blunder and that we could both keep in cadence with it...

B
ut like you said, let's make this work. I am willing. Let's work on it. Yes, let's. I have been hesitant to gamble this way again. But you make me feel like it's worth it, again. So here I am. With you. For you. By your side. Yes, I am not counting. Like you said, we don't need a million reasons why. It just is. It's just that. Love. It happens. And it hit you, hard. And then, it did me, too. Ah, yes, we're in this together, whether you like it or not. Thank you. Thank you so very much. For trusting. For the opening. For everything. For accepting.

Thank you. Really, thank you.

I love you.

*

I don't know what I did to deserve these kinds of interactions, feeling, affection, all the nice things thrown my way this year. But for what it's worth, thank you universe. Thank you. Thank you for lighting the path. Thanks for giving clues. Thanks for leading them to my nook of the world. Maybe I'm just plain lucky, or maybe I'm just in the right place at the right time. But whatever it is, please, universe, help me preserve it this time. Help.

See, I take chances. I jump. I leap. Perhaps this is what this year means. The year of jumps. To wherever and to whatever, I say bring it on! And let's see how the story goes, anew.

We write. And then, we smile.


2 comments :

  1. hay im really hoping we could pisball someday..twistedhalo

    ReplyDelete