20 January 2011

What's the matter here?

Another one pulled out of DL just now.

This is for all of us who over-think. May our vibes decrease... and get re-channeled to things that matter most. Like living.


Slap you, slap you silly
make me say

oh what's the matter here?
-- 10,000 Maniacs, What's The Matter Here

I know the song has a different context but just the same, the lines above may as well refer to me.

I needed that friendly slap yesterday from two great friends over coffee. We shared our own bouts of our current affairs of the heart/loins/hypothalamus with each other and we just ranted and raved at the same time, also dishing out advice to each other about the situations we are in, at this point in our lives.

The quote that particularly struck me is something I already know anyway, as the other female-bodied in the trio told me that I HAVE NO PROBLEM and the male-bodied one echoed what I told him the other day, which was I AM OVER-THINKING, AGAIN. They both reminded me of a crucial bottomline to all of this: BE HAPPY. But we also reminded each other that the bulk of one's happiness should still rest on our own shoulders, and not to be dangerously transfixed to the other party, the objects and subjects of our affections, desires and longings.

You know what, my friends, CHECK THAT!!!

So again, let me ask: Leaf, what's the matter here?



and the search for the brain's off-switch continues...
(Amtrak-ing my way from Southern California to
Central California coast, April 2010)

But still, I am sometimes bound by thoughts that should not haunt me in the first place, since I still have to remind myself not to create new ghosts out of happy spirits roaming around. Of course I can't help it, still, since we are still trying to regenerate the charred soul from the burning of the heart a few months back.

But the good this is, we try. And we still try. And we will never stop trying. D'accord? Oui. So yes, universe, please, send more positive vibes, interactions, support, and best of all -- self-confidence.

But first, this exhalation:


I am crying over things
that maybe don't exist
I am crying over moments
that may not be happening
I am crying over levels
that could not be explored
I am crying over feelings
that should not be felt, at all

Oh why am I sobbing
over fences gladly torn down?
Why am I crying
over shackles already broken?
Why am I grieving
over endings that haven't begun?
Why am I shedding
tears over smiles etched in my being?

Maybe it's because of you
and the way you interacted with me
Maybe it's because of us
and the way we connect with each other
Maybe it's because of them
and the way they try to still box us in
Or maybe it's because of me
and the way I am falling--have fallen--for you.


It's actually unfinished, but I think I'll just leave it like that for now. It's the product of an emotionally defective being anyways. Will repair some other time.


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