15 January 2011

a quest to find beautiful souls

When I am not publicly blogging in this space, I am pouring my heart out in a space called DL, which offers some (form of) positive and (sort of) safe space for women like me.

But this particular rumination I think I could share here.

This is for all of you who are, like me, also in the process of challenging (homo)normative notions and structures of desire.

May our tribe increase.


a quest to find beautiful souls

Sometimes I look around this space and I look at my spaces offline. And it seems that I see the similar people around. If ever I wanted to engage with some girl, I don't think it would work well for me, simply because I lack this thing called anonymity. Hence the slim pickings when it comes to scanning for possible engagements.

Anonymity doesn't work well for me in this country, perhaps because of the career choices and artistic engagements I have chosen to pursue. Plus there's this thing called the age gap, which people find a negative thing here most times. Plus there's this thing called homonormativity, which basically means the only alternative to being single is being coupled. No chance of entertaining gray areas of engagements. Most people are afraid to reconstruct their notions of desire in this country, it seems. And that makes me sad. And frustrated.

Which gets me thinking. What about the girls, the attractions, the flirtations? In a city with a population of 11 million (and rising), Metro Manila feels so ridiculously small for me now, like what a friend in the US echoed before. Another friend in the US also mentioned the anonymity she has been enjoying over the years since she chose to be a New Yorker instead of a Manilenya. I am getting cues from them now.

This girl I have been seeing recently asked me once why I never got it on with s
omeone here in Manila ever since I became single again, since I could practically have anyone I choose, she says, because of who I am and how I look or maybe how I am (yes, she flatters me so). And I said one simple thing: I don't see anyone who interests me that much or in that way here, recently, lately. Or maybe that's a harsh judgment to make. Maybe I haven't been circulating much is more proper to say, since everywhere you look, there are a lot of women-loving-women you could actually hook up with if you are not so damn choosy.

Ah yes, but that's my problem. Perhaps I am too choosy. Or am I?

Well, depends. I think I have to be attracted to someone that intensely before I could make any move. And what attracts me these days? Open-mindedness for one, or the capacity of lacking judgmental traits on one's being, perhaps. Light persona is another, meaning one should not feel burdened by another's drama queen modes and emotional baggage of their pasts, carrying it on in the present. A third one is a challenging intellect, eliminating those beauty without brains people I see scattered all around in this space. And fourth, someone who is open to having sexual encounters without the patriarchal religious baggage we were all born with. Yes, I have shed mine a long long long time ago, and it's sad to note that there are not enough sex-positive women out there in Manila to engage with in this level.

Yes, I am picky like that. Or am I?

I am not one to fall in love this time. Like what I have blogged before, I am curiously mortified to be in love again these days, even if I feel like I am beginning to feel it again at the fringes of my being. Yes, I still am upholding a moratorium on relationships (thank you Alanis for the term) and would like to challenge the homonormative ways of engaging with like-minded and like-bodied people. But sadly, I still think I am in the wrong city/country to be queer, if these are my objectives and intentions.

So it all boils down to having slim pickings. Here, offline, or anywhere else.

And you know what? It sucks. Big time.

Same can, same content? Sometimes.
So help me Warhol. Andy ko kinakaya ito.
(at the Museum of Modern Art, New York /
March 2010 photo by X)

But why am I saying this, even if I am happily seeing someone and engaging with her in all of the ways I wanted to. Well, maybe I am just dreading the time when our engagement will eventually end. As with all other things on earth, happiness also has an expiration date for me with this being, this beautiful soul.

And thus, I wonder when the next beautiful soul would arrive, or from where the next beautiful soul would emerge.

But that's just me. I wonder endlessly. About life, about love, about lust, about satisfaction, about excitement, about contentment.

Yes, I do think a lot. Not that it's a bad thing. On the contrary, it helps me so. To process things and situations objectively. It helps.

So thus, I continue to wonder. And perhaps wander. Out there. But maybe I should expand my horizons more. And hope that more women find more courage to be in this same wavelength that I have been broadcasting from.

But still, it doesn't actually hurt to be alone sometimes. I also need my personal space. And I'd like to retain that, still. And I'm actually happy with that state, to tell you the truth. But of course, sometimes, it pays to be a bit happier.

But that's just me.


  1. anonymity rocks! :) but you're not choosy. nothing wrong with having high standards if you know you're a great catch. forward march teh!

  2. omg!!!! thanks for that comment and reassurance teh! love yah!!! but how come i know i am a great catch yet others aren't in on it??? i am in the wrong freaking continent, dontcha theeenk? join ya soon? ;P

    miss you terribly.

  3. First off, I agree with the first commenter (kia). Anonymity rocks.

    I know exactly how you feel. I've been in relationships but I've only been in love once. That was the girl who popped my cherry, after so many of my boyfriends failed. LOL. (Like I said, anonymity rocks.) Thing is, I am afraid what I had with her...I'll never experience it with another woman. We connected on so many levels and our conceptual lenses are so easy to synchronize.

    I doubt it's choosiness that's keeping you back, though. You may be on to something. I mean, why would you settle for someone you have lukewarm feelings for? And it's difficult to find someone who can rock your world in a way that's so intense, you seem to forget your reason. It found me...at the wrong time. And the thought of going through all of that again -- even though falling in love with her made me feel more alive than I have ever felt -- is just so traumatic. I don't know how people go through so many cycles of relationships and not get tired by all the bull crap.

    I mean, how come all those girls on "L Word" get laid and connect all the time? LOL. Yeah, it's fiction. But fiction can give you tons of weird ideas...

    Ok, I'm (bitterly) rambling. I will go now. Haha!

  4. hey malditera, i agree that it's really traumatic to undergo all that. this is also why i decided to reinvent my approach and strategy of dealing with desire and passion. and in some instances, i do envy our gay counterparts for having this "no excuses, no apologies" stance like my QAF idol brian kinney. but yeah, our word, like TLW, is totally different. dyke drama at its finest! that's why i'm trying to steer clear of it now. and, as a good friend reminded, one of the best ways to do that is to avoid being scared of ghosts you invent for yourself. :) so yes, i am a ghostbuster now and yes, i am a happy fool right now, in a different and reinvented way of pursuing desire :) and i'm loving it!

    love is always a gamble, so reconstruct your desires! it's awesome, trust me. :)