function vs. feeling + loathing the l word

question: do you need to feel first before you could function, or do you need to function first before you could actually feel something?

just a thought. what are yours on this? comment tag below or message board to your left. or leaflens at gmail. write on...

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i don't know whose brilliant idea it was to show THE L WORD on cable tv in the philippines. but if SEX AND THE CITY gets bloody beeped because they say penis, vagina, and yes, even sex(!), imagine what more they would chop off the l word. no more than its essence lang naman. tangina.

just caught that big scene near the end of season 1, the opening of the provocations art exhibit and all the girlies and the boylets were there, of course. intense-filled episode this is, for this is the ep where all of the characters receive a major turning point: shane the playgirl exposes her heart on her sleeve and gets shot down for it bigtime; kit the hetero is getting swayed by the wooing of a drag king; bette the married one resists the call of temptation yet again from her carpenter mistress; tina who's married to bette discovers the affair and bursts; marina loonily plays the field to play her loony object of desire; loony jenny enters the scene with a boy date but meets her girl date and receives a call from sorry loony marina and ends up staring at her room with her girl date and boy date both in there -- dressed and asleep; dana gets torn between her crazy fiancee and an old-time friend who frenches her; and alice frenches long-time friend dana whom she has been pining for secretly all this time of bad plant and pay-off storyarcing.

yeah, talk about dyke drama. all of this happens in just one sequence! sankapa!

but three brilliant moments also happen in this episode, especially after this dyke drama sequence.

one -- bette goes home and finds tina. no words are exchanged much, only dagger looks from the aggrieved party that could be more aptly termed as longsword looks, and begging forgiveness looks from the guilty one. etc2ndave channel had the tenacity to edit out the most crucial part of this scene: the sex. yes, when tina finally let it all out and started hitting bette, bette retaliated by pinning tina down on the bed and, yeah, fucking her. just plain fucked her. but it was not for pleasure. no, it wasn't a pity fuck, either. it was an appease-forgive fuck. understand? if you ever experienced being in such an emotional state of rage/anger/frustration and had your lover-fighter pacify you with sex but not for both of your enjoyment but for something else, you will understand the poignancy of this scene. to those who cannot relate...lucky you.

two -- best friends dana and alice share a kiss but again, this gets chopped off. we only see alice hesitating a lot, trying to convince dana that the latter cannot marry because because because, and then *poof* and then we see a shell-shocked dana left on the porch while a flushed alice rushes off. the kiss between friends is not a new storyline but for those who were in this situation before, the scene will get to you, i'm sure.

three -- tina wanted to tell alice about bette's affair with candance. but instead of saying it out bluntly, she just cries, grabs a pen, goes to the board where the chart of lesbian lives are connected/linked together (who slept with whom and so on and so forth), draws a line from bette's name and tries to write "candace" at the other end of that line, but she breaks down crying even more after writing just "c" and "a", and alice consoles her. brilliant brilliant execution this is. now this is the perfect example of the "show, don't tell" tip. good good good.

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is it this complicated to be a dyke? not really. well, okay, yes, but the complication is not solely owned by the gay world. it is this complicated to be a human being in love, in lust, in like and living life. it's that simple.

i guess that's why i asked if feeling comes first or function comes first. function, meaning we go about our daily routines or daily lives as individuals without feeling much for other people. feeling, meaning we go by how we feel for all things around us, especially the people we care for and nurture, or want to care for and nurture. what should come first, feeling or functioning? or do they go together? or should they even be together? hm.

i ask this because some people say they could function better if they could feel first, meaning they should feel something about their actions, work and whatnot before they could execute it or something like that. and then there are some people who say that in order for a person to function, they need to feel first in order to be functional. magkaiba yun e. and yes, some people say i belong to the second category of feel-function but i don't really know about that...

i don't know if i'm making sense here, but in my mind, what i want to say is clear. not sure if it's translating well...oh well...

i dunno. am i really trying to explore feeling and functioning, or am i talking about being fair game? well, maybe that's also within the periphery of my thoughts. but that might be another discussion altogether.

ahhh. ewan. haywire na rin yata ako from watching this episode earlier and being frustrated because of the cuts. it gives an awfully different narrative when they did that, sa totoo lang. hay...

but i could feel for these girls, really, especially now. that's what's great about this show as i watch it again and again. it gets better and it gets personal that i could actually forgive the bad writing in it and the contrived plotlines of some characters. i never knew these three moments would resonate with me better these days. maybe it's because i've also had similar moments, regardless of which character i could relate to. maybe relate ako sa lahat sa kanila. kakaiba talaga... kaya sometimes i hate this show, because it feels true, and it appears true, and i could relate to most of the plotlines and characters. kakainiz.

it doesn't help that one of my favorite songs in the soundtrack is the soundtrack of the final sequences of this particular ep...

In The Sun
(by Joseph Arthur)

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

'Cause if i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
If i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
You

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

kasi sa totoo lang, i am indeed caught in between all i wished for and all i need. kaya i love this song now more than ever, even if it makes the tear ducts function a bit.

but the thing is, i also need this thing that i wished for. this thing that i wish for, i feel for it, have always felt for it, before and up to now. this thing that i need is what i have and have been having in order to function for the past two years or so.

now only if i could have both. but the world doesn't really work that way. so i will always be caught in between. sometimes i mind, sometimes i don't mind. most times, i just try not to think about it.

hay naku, may god's love be with me talaga...

'til the next ep.