i've been on a somewhat cleansing diet of sorts lately. i've been trying to turn really, truly semi-vegetarian this past year but it's really a struggle in a country of carnivores. but i'm happy to say that since i came back from india early march, i've been sticking to the semi-veggie mode successfully. yep, no backsliding of isaw here, pramis.
since my birthday, though, i've been doing another kind of cleansing diet, and this one is for the soul and mind. i've been carrying a lot of load lately and i decided it's time to take out the trash. and that i did.
what surprised me the most in this cleansing the soul thing is that the thing that i was cleansing myself of is fake friendships. at first, it was really hard to accept and even to just acknowledge that i have to rid myself of some people i call friends simply because they are not really friends. a handful of these people i've invested in over the years, big investments when it comes to emotional relations that come with friendship territory. but if the same friends stab you in the back without batting an eyelash, then that's sign enough to move on.
and move on i did. not only did i share these laments with some of my really true friends, but i am glad i shared it with my parents, too. they know these people who have been there with me ever since our school days. and i liked the insights i got from them regarding trusting people and being backstabbed when you least expect it. to quote my pop "maghanap ka na lang ng bagong kaibigan." and he's right. my mom even said she smelled this thing even before it happened, knowing the personalities of these so-called friends of mine. i heart my parents.
to complete the cleansing ritual, i got myself a new sim card and selected the people i want to be in touch with. it's funny how i always thought that a 250-capacity phonebook sim was not enough for me to keep even half of my contacts. perhaps five-eight years ago, that was true. but now that i've become selective of who to keep in touch with, i realized that i did not need the whole 250. i was able to trim it down to half of that. imagine that.
it's so funny to think that the friends i never expected to hang around for long hung out longer than the ones i expected to be there forever. i guess my credo was right all along: there's no such thing as forever.
at least i learned of their true nature now, before it's way too late. so yeah, no more washed up, fucked up, insecure self-absorbed friends for me. i need to rid myself of those energies. i don't want to have those vibes. they can keep them.
sa pangyayaring ito sa buhay ko, nabuwag ang paniniwala ko sa isang grupo na pinanghawakan kong isalba mula't sapul nang ito'y naitatag. nakakalungkot isipin na iyong bagay na ayaw na ayaw naming maging ay naging kami din. sinumpa naming magtutulungan sa industriyang saksakan ng saksakan at apakan ng apakan para umangat. lingid sa kaalaman ko, ako rin pala ay sasaksakin at aapakan para lamang ang iba ay umangat. nakakagulat at nakakalungkot isipin na ang pagsaksak at pag-apak ay magmumula sa grupong ito pa. sobrang nalungkot ako roon. sobra-sobrang hinanakit.
kaya naisip kong duminstansiya muna sa mundo namin -- mundong masalimuot kahit masaya. showbiz, filmmaking, kung anuman ang tawag mo rito. mas hinaharap ko ang iba kong mundo, dahil ang pakiramdam nito ay mas totoo -- panulat, literatura, musika, litratuhan. dito ako laging nakakahanap ng katahimikan ng pag-iisip, at kapayapaan sa pagmumuni-muni kaya dito na muna ako maglalagi. sa ngayon.
i just turned 34 and i am at this moment in my life when i feel like doing stuff that i really want to do. of course the financial haunt will always be there, but i am trying to silence this persona in me that was spoiled by high-paying jobs and rackets over the years. now, it's just time to do the things i want to do and tell the stories i want to tell in whatever form i want to use to tell it. ganyan lang ang mode, para masaya. at mas madali. no more drama queen modes and other condescending contradictory congregations for me. simplicity always works. always.
and yeah, karma works just as damn well, too.