15 July 2006

take me baby or leave me

current beverage: absolut rasptangvo
who i'd love to kill today: irresponsible neighbors
who i'd love to hug today: jonathan larson, for
rent

as part of my early nightcap (yea, in this part of the philippines, 9 friggin' 16 pm is fucking too early), let me wax poetic and wane rhetoric.

eh? wala pa ngang 10 sips wafung na ko hehe. di tulad ng isa riyan na dalawang gabi nang naka-peach and gin hehe. toast, mare! salut to ecrivaines qui beber! hehe. ah wala labo labo na ang romance languages sa utak ko. io sono wafung beaucoup, verdad.

aga kasi pullout bukas, 4am. me pa na nakakatulog ng 2am diba. gudlak sa akin. so i need fuel to sleep. wah.

soundtrack of my life tonight is the ever-reliable rent musical. hay i missed the movie showing, dearies, even sa sarili kong turf (kundangan ba naman kasing ipakita ng ala-una ng hapon!) heniwey...

it just hit me how i love this song pala. no matter how freaking hard it is becoming for the mind, heart and especially the soul, it's nice to remember this.

how do you measure the life of a woman or a man?

i don't want to be remembered as that loner who saw life via an angsty myopic lens. i'd rather be remembered for the works i've done and hopefully i hope these works will mean something to some poor unfortunate soul out there. that's what i felt when i was writing my young adult novel earlier. yea, the writing bug bit hard today -- even with 3 hours of sleep lang to go by -- it just kept on coming out. hay sa wakas matatapos ko yata ito by my deadline of august. salamat sa goddess naman.

the reason why i delayed this novel and risked an inc in my penalty MA subject is because i really want to cook this one well. i feel i have something good here, and i don't want to rush it just for the grade. i've never been grade-conscious naman in my life. i care more about producing good work kaya i really want to sit on this one and let it marinate until it's ready to be cooked just right. and the cooking is just going swell, thank you very much.
kaya dedma na muna sa gym today. writing prevails over everything - yea, even gimmicks or even lovelife/sexlife. kaya dami ko na ring tinanggihan at inatrasan today. i don't regret it one bit. i'm now more than halfway through this novel and i'm glad. sana nga walang shoot bukas at dire-diretso lang ito e. pero well, something else beckons so... let's see if it can beckon ever so loudly the next times... it's the thing i have to decide on soon. again. ah well.

i'm writing about the coming out and discovery of a young adult of her lesbianism. it's like a guide for those who have been lost, unsure and excited at the same time. i hope i had something like it to guide me then. something i needed when i "turned" (aba parang bampira ano? or werewolf hehe. but in a way, i see being queer as such --  a turning point for me, like a level up in being human hehe tarush). and as i write it, i just figured that i'm not just writing it for young adults but for anyone who has ever had any doubts about their sexuality and who they are, in general. a lot of adults i know are like that. so i'm hoping that this work might serve someone some good somehow sometime soon.

*

it just occurred to me yesterday how the pop culture clutches that held up my persona's principles are so dated as of today.  currently reading douglas coupland's polariods frm the dead and i can't help but think that the days of the gen x-er's rule is over. to paraphrase larson, we're living in asia at the beginning of the millenium. so many changes. so many adjustments to make. so many things to adapt and adopt. no matter how much we want to slow down, we can't. AND WHY IS THAT?????????

it boggles this mind.

*

back to the hobby of music. i'm beginning to get more and more convinced that i should go back to what i tried years ago. i know i'm no musician but there's one instrument that clicked with me and i think i have to at least reconnect with that. music has always fueled this being ever since i can listen to the radio and music has guided this being for so long, especially during the traversing of rough terrains so i should be more in touch with the medium, too, even if just for a bit. so that's what i'm gearing up to these days. that's why i can't decide much on the thing i have to decide on soon. hay. cryptic na ba? dedma na. you know what i mean.

no day but today kasi e. sabi nga, i can't control my destiny. so better live life to the fullest. forget regret or life is yours to miss. kaya kahit ano pa man ang tingin ng ibang tight ass dito, isa lang maasabi ko sa kanila.

LA VIE BOHEME, folks. tangna niyo kung di niyo magets yun.

*

okay so that's absolut talking hehe. pardon my french.

*

how do you measure a year in the life? to segue to tori amos' song, if i die today i'd be a happy phantom. and i'll go chasing those fuckers in malakanyang away hehe. para naman magkaroon ng totoong reform sa pinas.

how do you figure a lest year on earth? hm that's tricky. sabi nga, remember the love. seasons of love. minsan kasi tagtuyot ka sa love. minsan tag-ulan ang love. minsan, wala, drought.  hm. minsan lalamigin ka sa pagkawala. minsan sobra kang paiinitin sa lagi niyang pagiging nariyan. so ano bang season ang magandang timpla para sa pagmamahal?

hay naku eto na naman tayo. pag pagmamahal ang pinag-uusapan, hindi na matatapos yang usapang yan. kasi it's like catching the most elusive body of water using pantyhose. it just won't hold long, dearie. it gives form to the pantyhose for  while, but it doesn't fill its every centimeter for long. o ayos ba sa metaphor. ngayon ka lang nakarinig ng paghahambing ng pagmamahal sa lingerie, ano hehe. wala, this is the spirits talking in me. i better not interfere it. so go lang.

*

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i just learned that the shoot tomorrow is cancelled. why didn't i get a text advisory? ngyarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

puwede pa bang humabol sa penguin? hmmm.



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