Of Queen's Gambit moves and love gambles

Funny what binge-watching a Netflix series at the wee hours of Samhain would pop out: truths that kill regrets. It's Dia De Los Muertos, after all. 

Something has to die. 

And for me, what died but I'm not mourning over is the reason for the pain that still envelops me once in a while. All because of this pivotally poignant scene in The Queen's Gambit:

Moses Ingram (Jolene) and Anya Taylor-Joy (Beth).
Their chemistry works.

Love the way this scene was shot. The camera dollies in from a floor level angle, going toward the actors that play orphan pals Jolene and Beth, until it ends in this full shot of them sitting on the racquetball court floor. Jolene is the unofficial BFF of chess prodigy Beth, and they meet up years later when the former is working/studying to become a lawyer while the latter is trying to juggle her drinking and pill-popping habits with winning chess tournaments. 

This scene from the last episode is where Beth tells Jolene she needs the money to fly to Russia to compete with the greatest grandmaster there, and Jolene offers to share 3k to make it happen. And three grand is huge for the late '60s, when this story is set. 

Their conversation struck me hard. Jolene said Beth can pay her back when she wins in Russia. "What if I don't win?" replied the laconic prodigy. "It's still worth it," retorted Jolene, expounding on how they always got each other's back anyway, even if they're not physically together, or just because they're not related doesn't mean they don't support each other. Growing up as orphans in a Catholic-run orphanage had its challenges, but they coped.

Jolene's dialogue is just golden:

"For a time, I was all you had. And for a time, you was all I had. I'm not your guardian angel. I'm not here to save you. Heck, I can't even save me! I'm here because you need me to be here. That's what family does. That's what we are."

Gold. Can't get more sparkly than that.

And that's when I realized something, out of the myriad of love gambles I have had in this lifetime -- that a partner should be family, should be treated as one, and not as an entity that's separate from that concept. 

Family. How do we define it and how do we reinvent it -- as lesbians, as women, as Filipinos, as fortysomethings. It's different for each of us yet similar as well. Parallel, perhaps, I don't know. Sometimes you just need to be there for your partner, your girlfriend, the love of your life, whatever you term each other. Just be there. And being there means understanding what they need at a certain moment, at a precise turning point in their lives, during a phase whether challenging or celebratory. Just be there. And being there means understanding who your partner is, and what your partner really needs. Really, really needs -- according to who she is, not according to who she is to you.

Boom. Mic drop. Di ba lang.

But understanding doesn't often go hand-in-hand with loving, much less listening, more so being there, and caring. It's different. Alien, sometimes. Some say love and understanding are a package deal. Open the package and unbox something else, folks.

Truths.

There's this book that theorized our love languages, saying we all have variations. And by understanding love languages, we would achieve harmony in relationships. But often, what happens is that we impose our love language on our partner. We tend to forget that we sometimes speak differently when it comes to caring. Your version of care may not be applicable to her, or may not be what she needs at the moment, at that life stage, during that life phase. Are you mature enough to realize the nuances? 

But still, we insist. Even if our partners tell us otherwise, we still insist. And this has been the move that baffles me, each and every time a relationship is about to end on my part. I don't understand why it becomes difficult to see three, five, ten moves ahead, that we'll eventually be checkmated out of a mate, for real, if we don't check closely. If three moves are too demanding for some, how about one? Just one move, anticipate it next, before it's too late. One fucking move.

Sadly, life ain't a chessboard, 'no? Nyet.

No.

I'm not a big chess fan but I taught myself how to play this sport, just like I taught myself how to play that colorful Chinese Checkers boardgame lying around sa bahay ng lola ko where I grew up. My papa was a big fan and a player in his youth, that's why I hear about certain grandmaster names from him. Something something Kasparov, Spassky, Fischer, ganyan. There was a chessboard set kept in the house somewhere, and I found it interesting to play during my early years -- before the Atari arrived. But that's for another blog post. 

And little did I know that the basics of this game would serve as philosophical foundations I would enact in my lifetime. For instance, touch move ka na ba? Kasi may laro doon na once hinawakan mo ang piece, kailangan mong igalaw ito. Same with life; can you really "return to sender" many of your decisions, your actions, your thoughts, your words, kapag nailabas na? Madalas hindi. Napasubo ka na kung napasubo, kaya ituloy mo na lang at panindigan mo. Or, kung takot kang lumabas sa comfort zone, hanggang kailan ka mananatiling trapped sa square mo na 'yan? 

Touch move.

And making guesses, educational or intuition level man, also characterizes the game. Kapag sinabi ko ito, ano kaya ang sasabihin niya? Kapag ginawa ko ito, ito ang puwedeng maging resulta, saka ito, saka ito pa, hanggang sa dumating dito sa dulo, hanggang ito na ang ending. In scriptwriting and fiction writing, we call this the "cause and effect chain" of storytelling: ang isang cause ay nagiging effect, pushing the narrative forward. The effect of that cause then becomes another cause that produces another effect, and so on and so forth. Moves. Anticipate the moves. That's why chess players stare at the board for so long kahit akala mo walang nangyayari. Nasa utak nila ang laro; iniisip nila at ina-anticipate ang countermoves sa moves nila. 

You'll see that a lot in this 7-ep limited series. Which is finely acted, by the way, and I love the '60s chic and groove, plus the "quiet cinema" style of filmmaking it employed, which is often rare for TV series kasi nga TV needs constant "audio hooks" in the form of dialogues or overwhelming music. Pero minsan, tahimik lang ang eksena dito, and you can enjoy the visual spectacle neatly presented in a scene. Man, it made chess exciting, what can I say. Kahit hindi ka player, the characters will also hook you. So yes, it's that good, in my book.

Based pala siya sa isang 1983 coming-of-age novel.
It's super-feminist actually. 

At nakakaaliw dahil habang naaaliw na naman ako sa kakapanood ng series, deluge of nuggets rain on me like this current typhoon we're having.  

So this Queen's Gambit thing explained, according to this chess website:

The Queen’s Gambit is probably the most popular gambit. The objective of the queen’s gambit is to temporarily sacrifice a pawn to gain control of the center of the board. It's one of the most popular openings because of its attacking prowess. White will be attacking and it will be up to black to defend correctly. If you enjoy putting constant pressure on your opponent, then the queen’s gambit is a perfect opening for you.

Meaning ito ang ginagamit ng isa sa pagbukas ng laro, at doon na minsan natitimpla ang takbo ng laro at kung paano magre-respond ang kalaban. Di ba parang relasyon lang? Paano ninyo binuksan o sinimulan ang pagiging magkasama? At gaano ninyo katagal kinailangang kilalanin ang isa't isa? Ano-anong mga piyesa sa chessboard of your lovelife ang kinailangan ninyong i-sacrifice, i-give up, i-corner, i-rescue from being trapped? 

Puta napaisip ako dito lekat. Pampatulog lang dapat ang ilang episodes nito, pero I ended up binge-watching it because these truths suddenly appeared to me, like how the chessboard appears to Beth the prodigy in a hallucinatory way while she's on drugs. Watch it to know what I mean. Kahit hindi ka mahilig sa chess, itatawid ka ng show sa storytelling.

Tulad ng ginagawa ng mga chess players na pine-play out ang moves/games nila even after the game is done, manalo man o matalo sila, bigla kong naisip na i-play out ang mga naging opening ko sa lovelife, or opening nila, sino ba ang nagga-gambit sa amin, palitan ba, at ano na ang mga naisakripisyo kong piyesa para lang manatili sila sa laro, o manatili pa akong nakikipaglaro.

Di ba sabi ng isang quote,
"When love is no longer being served on the table,
it's time to get up."
Parang ganun ang nuggets na na-gets ko
sa show na ito as they're playing chess.

Alam nating maraming pagkakataon na kailangan ka nang umatras dahil natatalo ka na, na kahit anong uri ng remedyong gawin mo, wala eh, wala talaga, walang wala. Pero puwede itong gawin sa madiplomasyang paraan. Tulad ng itinuro ng orphanage custodian sa child chess prodigy noong umpisa pa lang, kailangan alam mo na kung kailan ihihinto ang laro.

"You have to resign now."

Resign. Resign the game. Stop it, if it's not worth killing your brain cells over na. Minsan ang hirap. Napako ka na sa pagkakaupo sa harap ng board, tulad ng napako ka na sa isang relasyong sa tingin mo ay hindi ka mabubuhay kapag nawala ito. Kaya kahit hindi na maganda sa laro mo, kapit-tuko ka sa partner mo dahil may pangangailangan itong naidudulot -- or so you think. Or so you are TRAINED or CONDITIONED to think.

Mahirap din naman kasi to just easily resign, admit defeat, add another failed relationship to your growing listahan sa tindahan ni Aling Nenang Sawi or whatnot. Minsan naman, may nagwo-work pa naman sa samahan ninyo talaga, kaya lang may mga dealbreakers ka ring hindi na mapalampas na. Kaya sometimes, nakikipag-break ka after 6 months lang, o minsan after 6 years, even 6 days kung talagang may kahindik-hindik kang di matanggap-tanggap. It's your stats. Depende talaga ang laro sa kalaro mo. Depende rin ito sa kung paano mo lalaruin ang laro, at ang kalaro mo.

Hay jusme. Love. Gamble. Same same. Anuna earth. How do we do diz.

Nakakaloka ang mga life revelations na ito. Grabe lang. Of course, this is not the first time I get inspired by pop culture fare or literature or art or theater and out pours nuggets of wisdom na na-gets ko sa mga works na ito, my favorite being the classic Warrick Brown philosophy I blogged way back 2010 pa about one of my favorite CSI characters. Puta, a decade ago na pala. Grabe lang, this earth. 

Family -- that's what we are, sabi sa Queen's Gambit. Family -- that's what we're not, sabi sa Bayli Gambit.

I resign.

It was easier to move when I saw it played out in front of me. I can see where she's heading, and I can see where she's not. Ayoko nang umabot sa mas madugo pang checkmate-an, kaya mas madiplomasyang paraan na lang ng pagtatapos ang naganap. But of course, diplomatic doesn't mean not equally devastating nor gut-wrenching. Hence the pain.

Life could still be a dream, sweetheart, 
to paraphrase that song.
Indeed, new ones can still be captured.
Abre los ojos. See better.

Well, in the immortal words of that song, here's where the story ends. But that's okay. Na-checkmate ka man ng buhay, laging andiyan lang ang laro. Up to you if you wanna pick it up. In the immortal words of yet another song, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Cause and effect. Just keep moving your narrative forward -- gambit or no gambit.

Anyway, have a safe week ahead of you. Ingat sa bagyo, folks. Over and out -- and proud.